SNACK ATTACK. [01] POPS "Soda Blues" 3/16/23
Jun 15, 2023 13:32:37 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 6 more like this
Post by mosler on Jun 15, 2023 13:32:37 GMT -5
Squared Circle Observatory
POPS “Soda Blues”
Greensboro, North Carolina
March 16th, 2023
Review By Miles Drucker
For the past year I’d been chasing rumours on the American Independent circuit of a federation that specialized in pop-up shows. Sadly POPS business model means that its highly unlikely you’ll ever be able to see one of their events, with no notice on where or when their shows will go down. Its blind luck that I stumbled across Soda Blues, having heard that the abandoned factory it went down in was actually hosting a sale on BTS branded sneakers.
Last minute booking means that the federation doesn’t have a lot of recurring stars, instead relying on local teenagers with limited skillsets not far removed from backyard wrestling. To distract from the potentially dangerous in-ring content, the youths are given outlandish gimmicks – I counted seven different robot characters, which varied from street samurai styled cyborgs to giant toasters suffering from amnesia. These potentially lawsuit courting accidents are supplemented by a few seedy veterans that function as regular faces, and recognizable guest stars to actual draw.
The undercard was clearly made up of locals, based on the amount of family members supporting the teen performers. More than one audience brawl broke out, which put the in-ring action to shame. There was no official program to differentiate the stars, and the ring announcer was more muffled than the drive-thru speaker reading back orders at a KFC. This makes calling the results difficult, but the undercard saw a cyborg beat an android, a toaster beat an automated vacuum, and a nativity pageant defeated the Voltron cats when a kid dressed as a palm tree pinned blue lion.
The first recognizable star came in the form of Bud Lightbeer – a cardboard box estimation of Buzz Lightyear advertising Bud Light. Given how many of the athletes involved were minors, this inclusion was far more suspect than usual. His opponent was Brownie Briggs – a dwarf whose gimmick is based on the mythological fairy folk – the brownie. Brownie is supposed to be so small that you can barely see him, but despite his physical condition – Briggs is large enough that it looks ridiculous. Still, Briggs roamed around the ring, shooting darts at Bud, who proceeded to act shocked at his invisible assailant. Bud may have been blind drunk. The Home Alone style pratfall beating finally came to an end when Bud accidentally hit the dwarf with TO INFINITY!
MAIN EVENT.
The Extinction Connection (Dinosaur Bones & “Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes)
Vs.
The Non-Contract Players (Jean Pierre Celine & “RSO” Frank Wilkes)
Wilkes is the POPS heavyweight champion; he has a basic moveset but has taken a wildly offensive gimmick a long way. His partner, Jean Pierre Celine, is an incredibly annoying French stereotype – and the closest thing this match has to a worker. NCP are heat magnets, they are also the good guys of this encounter – defending POPS honour against “outsider” menaces. Bones is a giant inflatable T-Rex skeleton that eats people. His partner is a cowboy who looks the wrong side of eighty. Though individually entertaining, these four stars combine into a complete train wreck. Stokes being forced to Ricky Morton is uncomfortable given his age, and reminded me of Flair’s Last Match... only Stokes is the heel and being booed, while being wailed on by the Registered Sex Offender. A ten-minute portion saw Stokes gasping for breath, while the audience chanted POPS. It’s hopelessly broken, and completely reliant on JCP. After a solid FORTY MINUTES, Bones accidentally stepped on Wilkes for the three count. The way all the performers and referee reacted, that MIGHT not have been the planned ending. Wilkes looked crushed, while a confused Bones attempted to continue the match. This suggests they wanted to give them more time. Jesus.
Given how much I’d built POPS up in my head, Soda Blues was extremely disappointing. I really wanted those BTS sneakers.
POST SHOW.
One of the digs that the boys go to unwind after the program is apparently an Olive Garden up the road. Not having had the best time, but hoping to clarify the names of the teenagers in the opening matches – I decided to try my luck. Only upon arriving at the restaurant I found the Olive Garden in ruins. Onlookers reported a UFO flying into it, an explosion, and Dinosaur Bones eating it as possible reasons for its rundown condition. I just thought it was an Olive Garden in North Carolina.
The parking lot around the restaurant was full of what looked like secret service agents in traditional Morris dancer garb – desperately searching the rubble. A child trapped under concrete? No. When they actually discover one, King Edmund IV sneers at the traumatized girl, and tells them to keep looking. Whatever they lost must be very valuable.
Trying to avoid all the attention was the great Venöm or possibly his inferior doppelganger Venom, who was sneaking around in the bushes like a raptor. With Solid Snake level stealth, he rolled from one shrub to another, like he was wanted for murder.
Having lost electricity due to most of the building disappearing, the remaining Olive Garden staff starting bringing out a seemingly endless supply of Kale that was going bad. This prompted Olive Garden survivors to engage in...
Spoiled Kale Eat Off
DINOSAUR BONES vs. Kudor vs. LiLi vs. The Living Dumpster vs. Mutt vs. The Supremia Secret Service vs. Betty Branston vs. Egg Chen vs. Bliss Ng vs. The Orvilles from Kentucky
Substantial help in recognizing the various participants is thanks to fellow witness Greg Branston, who was a patron in the restaurant when the structure collapsed.
Faced with another eating contest, Dinosaur Bones lumbered away from the venue, with a suicidal look in the ocular cavity where its eye used to be.
No sooner had the browning veg been brought out into the sun, then the Supremia Secret Service abandoned their search – diving on the mass of Kale like they hadn’t eaten in years. Who knows how many Olive Garden waiters were accidentally consumed in the feeding frenzy? King Edmund IV promised the usual tortures to get his men in line, which really slowed down Mutt’s appetite despite his being in the lead. Confronted by vegetables, Kudor didn’t look at them like food, but enemies. Apparently having had a recent painful encounter with greens, Kudor instead fighting three lumps of Kale like his life depended on it. Far from actually joining the eating contest, Kudor instead engaged in a handicap match against these inanimate objects. Perhaps it's the alien’s insistence on moving backwards, but the kale almost got into its mouth on multiple occasions. Close calls, but eventually Kudor was able to tear the kale’s throats out (…) and backflipped into the sunset like a conquering hero. As King Edmund IV’s insistence gets shriller, eventually Mutt had to drop out, leaving only LiLi to continue putting the spoiled kale away like they were human babies.
Winner: LiLi
Even after the other participants started getting sick, the panda just kept eating. Further observations were made difficult when emergency services arrived and concerned about a further gas explosion, cordoned off the area. From Edmund’s reactions, it doesn’t look like Supremia managed to retrieve what they were searching for.
Was unable to get seating, so will not rate this North Carolina Olive Garden – but when it comes to POPS, this is probably my only outing with them.