SNACK ATTACK. [02] POPS "Jonah Out" 4/14/23
Jun 24, 2023 21:09:15 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 1 more like this
Post by mosler on Jun 24, 2023 21:09:15 GMT -5
HaRDCoRe iN CoLoR
POPS “Jonah Out”
Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California
April 14th, 2023
Review by Lochlyn Laughton
Catching a Magnificent Mimi film retrospective at the Pacific Resident Theatre with my friend Miles Drucker, who you may know from a rival publication. We were making our way down the boardwalk towards the screening, when we noticed a crowd forming on the beach. Joining the onlookers we discovered the beached carcass of a whale. As local officials debated how to get rid of it, we started to leave; less we miss one of Miss Mimi’s cinematic classics. It was at that moment we noticed a masked man, who looked suspiciously like a professional wrestler suggest they clear the whale carcass with dynamite. The helpful suggestion came from one Florida Man, and when asked where they could procure dynamite – he had that as well.
The explosion was magnificent. At least until the beach was rained down upon by rotting whale entrails – who pizza pocket appearance was not unlike similar bombings in the movie, Tremors. The subsequent mess made the officials even more hysterical, as this was apparently the site for a POPS pop-up wrestling show – and with the state of the beach they would have to cancel. The mention of POPS had Miles insist we leave, but I was curious about the promotion and didn’t take his sagely advise – to tragic consequences.
Noticing how many foodies were on the roster, promoter Lucerio Villaini came up with a novel approach to cleaning the area.
BLUBBER BATTLE
LiLi vs. Kudor vs. DINOSAUR BONES vs. Mutt vs. Wiley Sharpe vs. ‘Al Cole Hall vs. Protein Enthusiast vs. So Many Seagulls vs. South Beached Whale Dietician vs. Eating Disorder Lifeguard Suzie vs. Body Shaming Toni vs. Wall of Muscle vs. Supremia Secret Police
It took a lot out of me to view the spectacle, walk around the whale innards, and not get knocked into them by voracious stars who apparently look on anything as a free meal. While I would normally think of Dinosaur Bones as the frontrunner for such a contest, the dracolich seemed completely defeated and put out by the thought of a competitive eating match. Instead the large beast ignored the fish guts, and focused on chowing down on competitors that were struggling. This is how he consumed ‘Al Cole Hall. Apparently something in ‘Al didn’t sit with the monster, who started telling everyone how much he loved them – in between hiccups. I had a nice conversation with Colorado native Wiley Sharpe – who had a hankering for seafood, and didn’t see a huge difference between the fat and his preferred Rocky Mountain Oysters. This concept soon changed, when Wiley had a hard time stomaching his first mouthful of the waste. The Supremia Secret Police cleaned the beach like they didn’t regularly eat, but none of them were a match for Mutt who put his countrymen to shame. While Mutt was packing it away, his liege kept shouting about a missing gem – but these requests were lost in the feeding frenzy. The giant panda LiLi apparently has a reputation for winning these contests, and was leaving Mutt in the sand. Kudor – who has previously been handicapped by his inability to process vegetables, looked on the rotting mammal with no small amount of drool. The only thing slowing the creature down was his need to summersault backwards whenever he wanted to pick up another piece – but even then it was neck and neck between him and LiLi. One of them would be the clear victory; at least it would have been, until Kudor accidentally ate a piece of seaweed. Close enough in texture to the greens that bane the extraterrestrials existence, the weed causes Kudor to spew fire out of every orifice. Most of the projectile fire ended up catching LiLi in the back – causing the duo to brawl. While they were distracted, Mutt continued to force down all the blubber he could see. How long he keeps it down is anyone’s guess.
Winner: MUTT
Post-Cleaning. Mutt presented Edmund IV with a giant ruby he found inside some whale stomach lining. Apparently not the gem he was searching for, Edmund tossed it back into the sea – much to the lament of his impoverished workforce. At this point the rest of the Supremia Secret Police turned on Mutt – who was last seen fleeing down the beach. Displeased with his giant ruby, Edmund IV didn’t say anything to stop them.
The show.
Many teenagers who knew one move, and bodybuilders with none were tapped to make up the undercard. So many Rock Bottoms, I can still see them in my dreams. After a good ten of these questionable squashes, I finally noticed performers that Miles and myself could put a name too.
Kudor – apparently still sporting fire – made short work of Body By Ben.
The Furious Five – LiLi, TigerPaw, and a mantis they kept in a cage, defeated the Gummi Bears. This was more like a handicap match, because early in the encounter LiLi attempted to tag in the mantis and just crushed it. TigerPaw blew out her knee in the opening minute. I’m told the dwarf dressed as Gruffi Gummie also works as Brownie Briggs. I would have much rather seen that then the copyright infringing cartoon characters. A panda taking on three little people went about as well as it could have.
MAIN EVENT
POPS World Heavyweight Championship
“RSO” Frank Wilkes (c) vs. DINOSAUR BONES
Apparently Bones pinned the champion in a tag match, which set up this title bout. Not sure if that was on purpose, as this made NO SENSE on paper. Bones angry that Mutt had been declared a better eater, and still a little drunk from eating ‘Al Cole Hall – spent the better part of twenty minutes making excuses to the crowd. For his part, Wilkes tried to sneak attack, and generally press the advantage, but his limited moveset never looked believable against the dracolich. A volleyball shot eventually reminded Bones that he was in a match, and he promptly tried to eat Wilkes. Frank Wilkes then used a child in the audience as a human shield. The POP crowd was thoroughly behind Wilkes as the local hero, against the outsider monster – but there are some things they won’t let him get away with. Child endangerment is one of them. The subsequent riot resulted in a...
NO CONTEST.
Generally I found POPS far less offensive than my friend, though I wish we had spent the time with Magnificent Mimi films instead. Sadly, it was in the middle of this riot that Bones started trying to bite audience members and subsequently consumed my colleague, Miles Drucker. A lot of these rag writers are pretty sleazy, but Miles was one of the good guys. I always assumed that Bones eating people was a gimmick, not unlike a lady disappearing in a magic show, but I waited an hour after the show and Miles was nowhere to be seen. I have since filed a report with local police who chalked the tragedy up to “wrestling.”
Dinosaur Bones needs to be cancelled, and POPS too for giving the monster a venue.