SNACK ATTACK. [03] PAS "B&G&M&S" 6/10/23
Jul 5, 2023 9:32:48 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Venom đź•·, and 1 more like this
Post by mosler on Jul 5, 2023 9:32:48 GMT -5
WRESTLING WITH THE TRUTH
PAS “Blood & Guts & Muscles & Stuff”
Pearl City, Oahu, Hawaii
6/10/23
Report by Harold Thomas
* The 18 Bronze Men def. Hawaii Joey – through sheer strength of numbers [6:58]
* Shaka Flash def. Fish Roe Man, with a rolling Samoan drop that popped most of the balloons affixed to Man simulating eggs. [12:10]
* Aleki the Great & Wiley Sharpe def. The Reef Shark Brothers, when Sharpe used a senton bomb on Teddie Sharkey. [5:32]
* King Edmund IV def. some local politician, when Mutt defeated their aide in an arm wrestling match. [3:11] This victory may have made Edmund the ruler of the local parent teacher association...
* Paramount+’s Star Trekker def. Hungry Ghost Mui with a victory roll to win the PAS Women’s Championship. [10:01]
* Wing the PAS Orphan def. Kidnapper Johnny via paint bucket to the crotch, in a home alone style parody that went on for entirely too long. [45:20]
* Kudor, Banana Splitz, & LiLi def. Kimo the Breaker, “Hot Lava” Moana Mora, & Ferocious Tiki, when Kudor took Mora out with The Bakuhatsa. [22:34]
* In the main event, The Extinction Connection def. The Luau Mafia in a children’s science fair volcano death match. [17:13]
After the show, there was a commotion with the gate receipts – with a number of participants feeling shortchanged. The promoter attempted to make up the difference in Pipi Kalua – which the more ravenous of competitors were happy with, until they realized that a lifetime of Hawaiian beef jerky might make travel difficult. There was nothing to do but see who could put it away the fastest.
Pipi Kalua Eat Off
Wiley Sharpe vs. Paramount+’s Star Trekker vs. Hungry Ghost Mui vs. WING the PAS Orphan vs. Kudor vs. Mutt vs. Icepick
After putting away five pieces of Pipi Kalua, all the color drained from WING’s face – and it looked like some of the child’s organs were shutting down. Mutt has never looked happier, until King Edmund IV demanded he abandon the contest to help supervise a grade school curriculum that they had accidentally annexed into the kingdom of Supremia. After their spirited title fight, Hungry Ghost was looking to get revenge on the Trekker – with both women so preoccupied with their rivalry, that they were completely oblivious to the rest of the contest. Wiley Sharpe – finding the Pipi Kalua close to the bull testicles of his heart, was a front-runner; but no longer shackled by the horrific side effects of vegetables – Kudor was in a league of its own. Further helping the terrifying alien was a large cheering section that seemed to think it was Stitch from the popular Disney movie.
Winner: Kudor
When Trekker became aware of the result, and the possible Disney connection, her Paramount brand loyalty kicked in – with her swearing revenge on the alien menace that is Kudor. For my part, I was shocked that some of the evening’s more gluttonous stars weren’t in attendance, and sought them out.
I found Dinosaur Bones attempting to sign up a representative for XHF Overheated. Apparently he has his own wrestling federation? There were a number of interested parties, who were turned off by the fine print in the contract, which required waving responsibility if they accidentally get eaten. This still suckered in a number of participants who were too tired from their matches to bother reading, or who didn’t use English as a first language. To select the tastiest competitor for the slot, Bones had them simmer in a pot.
BEEF STEW BOIL DEATH MATCH
LiLi vs. The 18 Bronze Men vs. Fish Roe Man vs. Leroy Sharkey vs. Ferocious Tiki
There wasn’t enough room for all 18 on the Bronze Men to fit in the giant cauldron, so two of them had to stay out. This clearly threw the other 16 off their game. While the twenty competitors lounged around like it was a Jacuzzi, Dinosaur Bones continued to check on their health, and add ingredients. The moment a can of beef broth was thrown in the water, Fish Roe Man tapped out – considering mixing with it unseemly. The smallest competitor Leroy Sharkey had a hard time with the heat, and also made an early exit to the teasing of his older brother. With Bones continuing to throw logs on the fire, in between covering the competitors in spring onions – the heat eventually got to one of the 16 competing Bronze Men. The bald one. Unfortunately, it was ruled that his exit caused the whole Shaolin fighting team to be eliminated. This left only the giant panda, whose weight easily absorbed the heat – and the Tiki statue who was made of stone. This battle could have gone on forever, and indeed did – at least an hour by my estimation – before Bones couldn’t contain his hunger any further and consumed the ferocious idol.
Winner: LiLi
The dracolich wished the panda well at Overheated, only because it was reminded by its cowboy partner that LiLi couldn’t be eaten until after the Network events.