mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 18, 2023 23:50:33 GMT -5
IN A COLD DARK PLACE...
The slimy ebony surface reflects just enough light from bioluminescent mushrooms to make out the cavernous nature of the setting. The faint illumination eventually makes out non-organic materials across the black cave’s floor – pieces of Olive Garden? Partially chewed fragments of building form a bread trail eventually leading to a larger clearing, and some truly strange refuse. The emergency lights of a space ship that looks surprisingly like the box for a Budlight, flicker on and off like the craft still had some life left in it. Sadly the giant teeth marks in it’s roof suggest that time is against this vehicle.
Staggering away from the alcoholic star ship, its inebriated astronaut tries to remember desert island scenarios from his days at the Anheuser-Busch Space Program – to remember the best ways to survive an extended stay in a hostile environment. As the lone figure moves further from his downed box, his surroundings becomes increasingly grim - it is then that he notices it...
A sparkling light peaks out from behind a stalagmite.
Reaching behind the sharp rock, Bud Lightbeer picks up the glittering gem. King Edmund IV would give his kingdom for the Supremia Stone. Unaware of its value, the beer mascot places it in the left pocket of his space suit before continuing down the lonely cavern.
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 18, 2023 23:57:14 GMT -5
THE CONVENTION.
Comics. Anime. Former stars of film and television – truly there is something for everyone. Given how many of the attendees are wearing costumes, no one even gives Dinosaur Bones a second look.Chewbacca: Whoa, can I take my picture with you dinosaur dude? Dinosaur Bones: NO.Running up, The Powerpuff Girls take selfies with the beast before he can lash out at them with his tail. Not even able to brutalize children. Clearly Dinosaur Bones is suffering from deep depression. The convention is so packed with apes that the Dread Lord can’t avoid their horrible stench. It’s all quite nauseating. Dinosaur Bones: CAN WE LEAVE YET?“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Nah Bonsey – they got Gordon Ramsey signing autographs. You want to rekindle your love of the gastronomic arts; I reckon talking to a world-class chef outta get food appreciation going- Dinosaur Bones: WHAT’S THE POINT?Since losing a competitive eating contest to Takeru Kobayashi – The Dread Lord has been suicidal. Unfortunately, already being dead – the monster doesn’t have a lot of options.“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Why look at that - a Pepperidge Farm Star Wars Cookie eating contest! I reckon that’ll put a cookie-eating smile on your puss. Dinosaur Bones: NO MORE FOOD BATTLES!“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Ya gotta eat something, Bonsey to keep your strength up. Dinosaur Bones: I HAVE A LESSER APE PROCURING A SNACK AS WE SPEAK...MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONVENTION...The scene opens up on a deserted expo stand. In loud, bright letters reads a banner that proclaims: AL JABRONI: WRESTLING AND PORN SUPERSTAR!! This is news to anyone at the expo as the stand is more deserted than the lounge after a Bastards promo. Underneath the, quite frankly, sad banner is a smaller sign: ‘TRY OUT THE NEW WRESTLING PORN GAME PHENOMENOM - AJW: FUCK FOREVER!’ Al Jabroni: Last time I trust the Matsunaga Estate. ‘Sure, Al. No-one’s used the AJW lettering for wrestling since 2005…Al Jabroni Wrestling, it’s not like I’m promising gravur- Jabroni trails off as he spots a sign. The camera pans around and we see what caught his eye. SEE YOUR STARS IN ACTION - CULT ACTOR POP SING-OFF HERE TODAY! We see a wicked grin form on Jabroni’s face. Al Jabroni: This will stop him from calling me a hairless pig-monkey…
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 0:09:40 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEASTMiles Drucker: I’d kill for an orangina right about now... Marmaduke Matters: Stop talking about liquids... ARM815H1 MK.69: YOU BOYS SURE ARE... THIRSTY.The heroic trio of ARM815H1 MK.69, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, and Marmaduke Matters are so dehydrated from their adventures in the volcanic heart of Mount Doom that their unwanted chronicler Miles Drucker has managed to catch up with them. Unable to read a giant cave, Drucker continues to complain about overpriced soft drinks, while the protagonists of our federation STRONGLY contemplate chopping the rag writer’s head off to drink his blood. It is in this dry death march, that they spot...‘Al Cole Hall vs. Olive Garden Waiter Having kicked many a drunk out of his family restaurant, the Olive Garden Waiter knows how to handle ‘Al – who is in the belligerent phase of his drunken master style. Apparently dogs can’t look up. Twisting an arm behind his back, OGW uses basic bouncer tactics to strong arm the OTW super fan towards a pit. Legs giving out on him, Hall pulls the OGW over with an accidental bulldog – then while trying to help him up, accidentally kicks him down the hole. If he remembers this moment, Hall is going to regret it. Winner: ‘Al Cole Hall GAINED 2 exp, 1 skill point. SKILL LEVEL UP! ‘Al Cole Hall is now a Level 12 barfly! Contracted “Cirrhosis Stage 3”Harsh Winter Pilgrim (looking down the crevice for signs of the waiter): There’s no saving the poor soul... ‘Al Cole Hall: Don’t worry pal... *hic* we’re all going to get out of here. Marmaduke Matters: How can you be so calm about this? 'Al Cole Hall (pointing at his OtW drink responsibly tee): I'm a proud Wagoneer - I know that Off the Wagon will save me. MEANWHILE AT A BAR IN JAPAN...Knocking over a dozen empties while trying to hit on a coat rack his beer goggles have mistaken for a beautiful woman, Kris Quake suddenly spasms like Christopher Walken in the Dead Zone.Kris Quake: RANDY! Next to him at the bar, Randy Angel finishes another beer, and is trying to make a pyramid out of empties to woo the coat rack away from Quake. Randy Angel: What? Kris Quake: One of our fans is in trouble! Randy Angel: We have to rescue him! ......................after a beat, the two go back to drinking. MEANWHILE... BACK INSIDE THE BEAST...Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Forgive me brother, but where did you get that libation? ‘Al Cole Hall: What this (holds up a bottle of Victoria Bitters) – there’s a whole *hic* stack of them down that- Before the OtW super fan can even finish pointing, he’s almost knocked over by the parched crew...
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 0:19:54 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE CONVENTION
Jabroni is about to enter the backstage area of the Cult Actor Pop Sing-Off before he is stopped by a porn star.
Porn Star: Don’t do it, Al. You still have some credibility, we still get invites to podcasts and …well, I have OnlyFans but don’t do it!
Al Jabroni: If I told you there was a literal dinosaur that’d be mad with me, what would you say?
Porn Star: Well, I did work with Ron Jeremy so…I guess I can relate…
Standing aside, she lets Jabroni go backstage. He steps through the curtain and into a pep talk for one of the entrants.
David Hasselhoff: Come on, now. You can do this if you really put your mind to it. The Disney Hags all cried off. Where’s Sabrina Carpenter or Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez?
Jeremy Jackson: They have careers, David! Careers!!!
David Hasselhoff: Don’t sass me now, Hobester. I’m your father and I’ve always looked out for you. They’re not here because they’re scared and not like those women in the UK Big Brother were but they’re worried they’ll be exposed against your natural talent!
Jeremy Jackson: I’m not Hobie! I’m going to suck tonight and I know it and you know it!
David Hasselhoff: You’re unbeatable, Hobe. You can trust me, I’m your dad! I’ve been around the block and seen a few things; you know, you aren’t the first. I was a Navy SEAL, I sang with the Beach Boys…I boned your babysitter, the live-in maid AND Princess Catherine Randenberg and boy, she lived up to her name! I’d enter myself but, you know…
Jeremy Jackson:The organizers can’t trust you around anything stronger than mouthwash?
Hasselhoff cuffs the now middle-aged Jackson around the head.
David Hasselhoff: I told you, Hobe, don’t…sass…back. I got you into this…
Jeremy Jackson: And the steroids and the…
David Hasselhoff: Don’t pin your wife on me, that was all you proving you’re a real piece of shit off the block! Focus! Who are you worried about?
Voice: SHAMONE!
Jeremy Jackson: Him…
Corey Feldman moonwalks into shot. Hair like he’s twenty, clothes like he’s Jackson, moves like Hasselhoff taught him to dance after the mouthwash was broken out.
Corey Feldman: If it isn’t the Hobester…HEE-HEE!
David Hasselhoff: See, embrace your brand, Hobe…
Corey Feldman: Dad….
Hasselhoff raises a knowing eyebrow.
Corey Feldman: You know that it’s coming down to you and me, Hobatron. It always does, John Schneider knows it, Jack Wagner knows it, Gloria Lansing knows it and Lisa Whelchel might not know it yet but she will. I’m taking the trophy home again this year, Hobe, I’m going to use it to bag me a pornstar!
Jabroni sees an opening as a lightbulb goes off in his head.
Al Jabroni: Well isn’t this great, guys! I’m Al Jabroni one of the judges and wouldn’t you believe it? The winner this year gets invited to a party with pornstars all-night alongside their winnings!
Corey Feldman: You’re not taking away the Law & Order episode?
Al Jabroni: Never!
Jeremy Jackson: But who are you?
Al Jabroni: Al Jabroni, porn empressario and director of the upcoming porn NutBuster movie…The Flash…Bang!
Corey Feldman: So, where’s this party?
Al Jabroni: It’s at a castle…
Corey Feldman: A Castle?
Al Jabroni: Where else can we keep the other part of your winnings….a real-life dinosaur skeleton that you’ll never be apart from!
Al worries he’s said too much.
David Hasselhoff: And their managers too?
Al Jabroni: Sadly not, but there’s always next year, huh? Look, I’ll leave you to work on your…craft.
Jabroni walks away and approaches a table in front of the stage and sits down. A woman approaches him.
Woman: Excuse me, this is for the judges.
Al Jabroni: Can I be one?
The woman looks around and shrugs.
Woman: You can do the whole thing…
Al Jabroni: Really?
Woman: Your funeral…GIRLS, WAIT UP! MINE’S A MIMOSA!
MEANWHILE... ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONVENTION...
A line-up to get an autograph from Gordon Ramsey snacks all around the convention floor.
Dinosaur Bones: THIS IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER!
“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Didn’t you spend something like a hundred million years trapped in tar? This should be nothing, Bonesy!
Dinosaur Bones: ALL THAT OIL DREAMING TAUGHT ME WAS THAT MY TIME IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS! BESIDES... WHAT IF THIS GREAT CULINARY APE GOES HOME BEFORE WE GET TO THE FRONT?
“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Have a little faith partner- Gordon Ramsey is just the hombre to get your appreciation of food back on track!
Dinosaur Bones: PERHAPS I CAN EAT THROUGH THE LINE-
“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Security would just take him out of here. Nah, if you’re that desperate to wander – roam around the convention, I’ll wait in line and call you when we’re close to the front.
Dinosaur Bones: I DID SEE SOME ESPECIALLY TASTY CAST MEMBERS FROM STRANGER THINGS-
“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: That’s the spirit! Also they got a drinking contest-
Dinosaur Bones: NO MORE CONSUMPTION CONTESTS!
“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: This is drink not food. You’ll drink them varmints under the table!
Dinosaur Bones: NO CONTESTS. I WILL JUST LOOK FOR A SNACK... THAT HAIRLESS HALFWIT WAS SUPPOSED TO PROCURE ME ONE...
With that Dinosaur Bones leaves his elderly cowboy manager to wait in line.
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE CONTEST...
It’s time for the Cult Actor Pop Sing-Off and the crowd is almost at capacity at five people. Come on, be serious, you can meet actual celebrities or you can see a talent show full of what are essentially strangers, go figure. Facilities and logistics nailed the demand for this one.
We can skip through this quickly to save you.
This is as terrible as you think it’s going to be. Go on, watch it, we dare you. It makes Fingerbang by the South Park boys look as sophisticated as a Leonard Cohen song.
Next up, Corey Feldman.
Again, Viewer Discretion is advised. It starts properly at 2:50 and it’s tragic. It’s so bad that I almost resent Corey Haim for not being around to be in it and thus invoke the Two Corey rule of all Eighties movies.
It comes down to Al Jabroni. Can John Schneider go back to appearing on the very worst of TV movies? Can Corey Feldman stop murdering Cry Little Sister every couple of years? We all wait with bated breath.
Al Jabroni: HOBIE WINS!
Jeremy Jackson: My name’s not Hobie!
Al Jabroni: It is, it says it right here on this trophy!!
A very meagre and modest trophy is presented.
Al Jabroni: Now everyone clap out our winner as I take him to meet Dino Bones!
Jeremy Jackson: It has a name?
Al Jabroni: It moves!
Jeremy Jackson: Cool…I think.
Al Jabroni: Relax, it’s not like he can eat you.
Jeremy Jackson: What?
Al Jabroni: Nevermind, red or white?
Jeremy Jackson: I like my wine like my women so full-bodied red…
Al Jabroni (Mutters): Makes sense for the white-meat asshole…
Jeremy Jackson: WHAT?
Al Jabroni: Pornstars, Hobie, pornstars… They wander off into the convention.
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 0:26:26 GMT -5
MEANWHILE INSIDE THE BEAST...The Anheuser-Busch Astronaut stumbles on some bottles.Victoria Bitter Boy: Watch it you! Another human life? And breathing this atmosphere? Bud Lightbeer opens the cardboard visor to greet his new friend. Bud Lightbeer: Are you a sight for sore eyes, I swear I’ve been wandering this strange place for months. I’ve completely lost track of time, hope. Why I feel like when I finally make my escape, I’ll exit into a bizarre reality where Budweiser isn’t the most popular beer in America. BUT WAIT- I know you- Victoria Bitter Boy: I should hope so- Bud Lightbeer: OH MY GOD, VICTORIA BITTER BOY – THE MASCOT FOR ONE OF AUSTRALIA’S FINEST BEVERAGES! I don’t mind saying that you’re one of the reasons I got into the alcohol mascot game. Victoria Bitter Boy: It’s always nice to meet a fan- Bud Lightbeer: Do you have any advice for an up-and-coming beer mascot, Mister Boy sir? Victoria Bitter Boy: Yeah, this hell beast underworld isn’t big enough for the both of us. Bud Lightbeer: Excuse m- Victoria Bitter Boy vs. Bud Lightbeer Before Bud can recognize that his hero is calling for a trial of combat, the bitter boy smashes a bottle of his namesake across Lightbeer’s face. It shatters, busting him open, and leaving the glass to fall down into his beer carton space suit. Fortunately it’s made out of beer cartons, so quite absorbent. Unfortunately, it absorbs broken glass, not punches – so Bud really feels the rapid fire fists that Boy uses to punch the sharp refuse into his gut. Victoria Bitter Boy goes for a triangle choke, only for Bud to fight out of it with a trusty bite to the ankle. Trying to wipe glass out of his face without slashing his eyes, Bud uses his free arm to throw blind haymakers. Victoria dances around the uncoordinated offence, hitting low blow after low blow! The few times that Bud uncovers his face to try to get his bearings, Boy can be trusted to hit an eye gouge. Just when it looks like Victoria is going to finish the space man, a group of parched travelers come across their encounter. Switching from easily threatened bastard to smiling salesman, Boy welcomes these exhausted travelers to enjoy the refreshing taste of Victoria Bitters. Sadly while Boy is distracted, Bud gets behind him and hits a belly-to-back suplex that sends his Australian backwards into a few hundred Victoria Bitters bottles – all of which shatter. Winner: Bud Lightbeer Gained 10 Exp, 4 skill points. SKILL LEVEL UP! Bud Lightbeer became a LEVEL 2 PARTY POOPER. Learned ID check. Spoils: The Scorn of the main party & MONSTER MEAT.Do you wish to eat it? Yes.Bud Lightbeer ate the monster meat... and transformed! Bud Lightbeer is now Bud Lightyear!Bud Lightyear: Greetings friends! Marmaduke Matters (trying to lick up beer, but mainly getting glass): It’s seeping into the ground... Bud smiles at his new companions... they may lynch him.
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 0:35:50 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST...Dinosaur Bones uses a satin handkerchief to daintily wipe the Hobie from where his lips would be. It is no small feat with his tiny arms. Perhaps it’s all the heroine clogging up the arteries of the former Baywatch star, but Bones finds himself increasingly thirsty.Dinosaur Bones: HAS THAT HAIRLESS APE BROUGHT ME SUBSTANDARD MEAT? MC Escher: YO, YO, YO – the Romulan Ale drink off is about to begin! A large banner reads:ROMULAN ALE DRINKING CONTEST! Dinosaur Bones has had his dignity insulted by too many competitive eating losses waste his time on another. IS HE A COWARD? NO! He has nothing to prove to the likes of us!Florida Man: Did somebody say free model airplane glue? J-RoK’s least favourite son joins the usual suspects of LiLi, Kudor, Wiley Sharpe, a Dalek, and about a hundred teenagers dressed as NEO. Turning his back on the competition, Bones starts to leave-Trekker: Enjoying shore leave, Bones? Dinosaur Bones: I WAS JUST LEAVING- Trekker: Probably for the best, during my cadet days at Star Fleet Academy I was known for drinking people under the table... Dinosaur Bones: ..........IT’S ON! Romulan Ale Drinking Contest Dinosaur Bones vs. Paramount+’s Star Trekker vs. LiLi vs. Kudor vs. Tom Baker dressed as a Dalek vs. Wiley Sharpe vs. Florida Man vs. NEO vs. NEO vs. NEO vs. NEO vs. NEO… etc. Most of the fans dressed as NEO are actually teenagers who shouldn’t be drinking. If only Bud Lighyear had been around to use his lame ID check ability. This means that after the first mug of Romulan Ale, a good hundred of the competitors are passed out, pissing themselves, or crying for their mothers in between getting violently sick. The usual suspects trade shot for shot. Dinosaur Bones actually does a lot better than usual, since his tiny arms don’t actually let the mugs reach his lips and most of the ale spills on where his chest would be. He scores 12 shots in rapid succession before a judge informs him it has to go down his throat. Still a substantial lead...
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 0:39:23 GMT -5
MEANWHILE INSIDE THE BEAST...The crowd is getting ugly.
If the ceiling wasn’t so high, Bud Lightyear would be swinging from it.Bud Lightyear: Now people, I thought we were all here to have a good time... Marmaduke Matters: Do you have anything to drink – because it looks like you just killed us all... Bud Lightyear: I left it all back at my ship- Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I’m so dehydrated; I can’t even produce tears... ARM815H1 MK.69: MY SENSORS ARE PICKING UP A LOUD RUSHING NOISE COMING THIS WAY- Marmaduke Matters: Knowing our luck probably sand- Bud Lightyear (smiling as he looks past his assailants): DRINK RESPONSIBLY! A wall of orangish water we can only assume in Romulan Ale races down the cavern like a tidal wave. Harsh Winter Pilgrim: My prayers have bee- The Adventures are washed away.THE RIVER OF FEAR
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 0:49:34 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST, BUT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.Träcy is watching Days of Our Lives, when the door is thrown open.Vënom: Feel like going on a vacation? Not waiting for a response, the Dinosaur Hunter V-lines to a far closet, where he starts pulling out their luggage. Träcy: This is sudde- where’s the fire? Vënom: Look, we might have to leave town for a few years- Träcy (hands on hips): What did you do this time? Vënom: NOTHING. Nothing! Guy walks around with a quiver of explosive arrows, you’d think he could land on his back without setting the damned things off.* *Vënom murdered Turok Dinosaur Hunter in DINO-LAND episode 1.Träcy: Damn it Ven- ënom... you better take me someplace warm. Vënom: Babe, as long as there are no extradition agreements in place, the sky is the limit for you! A regular Bönnie and Clÿde. Träcy starts to put some incriminating documents from one of their side hustles through a shredder, while Vënom continues his whirlwind packing. Sadly, the heat is on- and it doesn’t take long before law enforcement is bursting through the window.
Vënom & Träcy vs. The Fuzz x 3 Incensed at the mess they made of the floor she JUST VACCUMED, Träcy flies into a rage – breaking the shredder she was using over Fuzz #1’s head. Tiny pieces of paper fill the room. She continues to beat the unconscious cop over the head with the broken machine until it comes apart. For his part, Vënom uses his Dinosaur Hunting skills on the cops – unfortunately because they aren’t reptiles, this proves ineffective, and he soon finds himself in a double headlock. An elbow knocks Fuzz #3 off of him, setting up Fuzz #2 for a side suplex into a coffee table. The agent doesn’t explode – but for a moment, Vënom’s heart skips. The trauma is real. Träcy starts to ask if their friend Lloyd still owns that pig farm where they can dispose of the bodies, but before Vënom can answer, he is put in a waistlock by the still active Fuzz #2. Running back into the flatscreen TV loosens the law enforcement officer’s grip – leaving him open for a bicycle kick. As Fuzz #3 begins to get up, Vënom hits a running bulldog driving one cop into another. Winner: Vënom & Träcy Gaining 5 exp and 3 skill points. SKILL LEVEL UP! Träcy became a LEVEL 11 Gangster’s Moll. Learned “Questionable Alibi” Spoils: Wish Sandwiches x 3, Supremia Secret Police Walkie Talkie (Dixie cups on string) Two more cops enter through the front window, so Träcy naturally goes after them with her frying pan. It is at this moment, that a familiar GUNS face enters- La Authentico Wombat: Oh jeez, I’m sorry Ven- Vënom: You led them straight to me, you narc! SNITCHES GET STITCHES L.A. Wombat vs. Vënom Before an explanation can be given – the two men come to blows! As one might expect from an encounter between these two titans, L.A. Wombat immediately tries to subdue Vënom with a wristlock. Not because it’s the only move he is really confident in, but it’s relatively easy to have a conversation while holding a person’s hand. Too incensed to listen to reason, the hot blooded dinosaur hunter tries to throw the marsupial off with a series of brutal suplexes – with Wombat generally landing on his feet, and deflecting to the point where their kitchen brawl looks more like chain wrestling. After their twentieth pass, now looking more like dance than brawling – Wombat finally puts Vënom in a headlock, only to be hit over the head with a frying pan by Träcy. Winner: Vënom Gaining 10 exp and 4 skill points. SKILL LEVEL UP! Vënom became a LEVEL 2 interpretive dancer. Learned “Jazz Hands.” Spoils: Money x 200, and a picture of Wombat’s deceased wife.“I apologize for my people.”Mutt enters the trashed living room, unfurling a red carpet for King Edmund IV of Supremia. King Edmund IV: These useless PEASANTS are unfamiliar with windows! They thought they were entering through your door! Träcy tries to attack the monarch with her frying pan, but Vënom holds her back. Mutt was more than ready to take the blow for his liege, if he had – he probably would have become a level 99 doormat. Better luck next time, Mutt!Vënom: You have no jurisdiction over... King Edmund IV: SILENCE! ...I came here with an employment proposal. Rising from the floor, blood streaming down the side of his head, La Authentico Wombat joins the conversation. L.A. Wombat: He’s helping me... King Edmund IV: You see along with my blue blood, I am quite famous for my philanthropy. That part must be OBVIOUS, even to commoners like yourself. But what may not be completely obvious is that I recently came across a heart wrenching story on your American television – it seems that Wombat’s wife was consumed by a Dinosaur Bones? Yes, Supremian scientists discovered dinosaurs! Look it up! ...just not on your western books. Supremian journals accurately describe this sufficiently enough. Anyway, Wombat believes the lady to still be alive inside the creature, so I have decided to mount an expedition into the stomach of the beast to rescue her. Luckily for you, I have decided to give your life meaning! I am appointing YOU to be the guide in this expedition! Vënom: I’ve never been inside Bones... King Edmund IV: DO NOT CONTRADICT ME! OF COURSE I KNOW THAT! Anyways, I have decreed that the success of our rescue mission may well rely on your unique set of dinosaur hunting skills. Obviously, the only thing that can kill a dinosaur, other than SUPREMIA'S MIGHT, is venom. Everyone knows that. Vënom’s chest puffs out. And Träcy called him a fool for taking dinosaur tracking classes at night school. Vënom: I’m sorry, but I promised Träcy we’d be going on a tropical vaca- Through the broken windows the red lights of police cars can be seen approaching. Vënom: ...But I am motivated to get out of the country for a little while. L.A. Wombat: You mean? Vënom (trying to sound altruistic): I couldn’t stand it if it was Träcy inside Bones. Yes, Wombat – WE’RE GOING TO SAVE YOUR WIFE!King Edmund IV smiles. ..............This humanitarian mission is the perfect cover to rescue his Supremia Stone.
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
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Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 1:00:28 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.The caves are so full of Romulan ale that they have become like rapids, with the adventures trying to grab onto stalagmites to avoid drowning, but failing miserably. Harsh Winter Pilgrim: This looks (glug) like (glug) the end... ARM815H1 MK.69: THIS UNIT IS SO WET! AQUAPHILIA IS ONE THING, BUT THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS!“HANG ON!”A cloaked figure moves towards them with a raft. One arm pokes out of his black garb to steer the rickety vessel – while a hood is pulled tight around his face, giving an otherworldly presence. The very portrait of Charon, ferrying the dead on the river Styx. The ghostly ferryman directs his sketchy barge towards the doomed adventures, getting close enough for them to scurry aboard.Bud Lightyear (coughing up ale): th... anks... Hooded Figure: ...Scratch. Down here, we have to look out for one another. Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Here’s another one- HWP tries to fish out another drowned rat.‘Al Cole Hall (trying to drink all the ale he can): Nah, I’m good thanks! Harsh Winter Pilgrim vs. ‘Al Cole Hall The Wagoneer tries to jump back into the rapids, more concerned with getting his Romulan Ale on than saving his skin. Recognizing the signs of illness, Pilgrim attempts to restrain Hall from his Pale Ale Fever. Hall runs to the edge of the raft, only for Pilgrim to take him down with a drop toehold. Hall then tries to baseball slide out to certain doom, but Pilgrim grounds him with a headlock. Hall starts throwing punches to knock off his would-be saviour, but Pilgrim holds on, taking the pain. Taking some slack rope from the raft, Pilgrim hogties the sick man too it. Winner: Harsh Winter PilgrimGained 3 exp, 1 skill point. SKILL LEVEL UP! Harsh Winter Pilgrim became a LVL 4 Junior Woodchuck. Learned “Hide from Mrs. Beakley” Spoils: Skunky Romulan Ale x 8 pints.Harsh Winter Pilgrim: No one is going to die on this shepard's watch. Hobie’s severed head floats by.Harsh Winter Pilgrim: ...starting now. Marmaduke Matters: Where is this river taking us? Scratch: City of Bone. Before the adventures can wrap their heads around a metropolis existing within this horrible place, a number of figures drop down from the stalactites on the ceiling. ARM815H1 MK.69, Harsh Winter Pilgrim & Bud Lightyear vs. Olive Garden Waiters x 5 These Olive Garden Waiters are armed with broken stalactites as clubs. They all seem quite content to attack Scratch, and generally break up the raft. If Scratch’s hit points drop to zero, it’s game over! Pilgrim is able to use his basic brawling to keep one of the waiters at bay, but ducking club shots means that he can’t land any real offence. Lightyear still feeling a little woozy from all that Victoria Bitter Boy meat he ate, mainly absorbs hits from club shots directed at their ferryman. Fortunately, ARM815H1 MK.69 is basically a killing machine, whose sharp claws easily cut through both clubs and wait staff. The first is knocked into the ale, and possibly in half, by a razor sharp uppercut. Running its nails down another’s back leaves the poor waiter open to a dropkick by HWP which sends the fool falling into the vicious waters. Lightyear finally gets in a hip attack, which knocks his waiter off as well. An overhand chop again has nails chopping through flesh, fortunately the waiter falls into the water before they can fall apart. Seeing this is enough to have the last waiter run away, taking the coward’s way out to a watery grave. WINNERS: ARM815H1 MK.69, Harsh Winter Pilgrim & Bud Lightyear.Gained 10 Exp, 5 skill points. SKILL LEVEL UP! ARM815H1 MK.69 became a LVL 4 Lover Not A Fighter Learned to play Careless Whisper on the recorder. Harsh Winter Pilgrim became a LVL 4 Paladin. Which gives him 2 ability points. Bud Lightyear became a LVL 3 Party Pooper. ...And really wished he’d changed job classes before this fight. Spoils: Wilted Salad x 10, Stale Breadsticks x Endless, and MONSTER MEAT!Do you wish to eat it? Yes. Bud Lightyear ate the monster meat... and transformed! Bud Lightyear is now Budd Lightyear!Miles Drucker: Where the devil did they come from? “You thought you’d destroyed my evil lair.”The Supervillainess drops from the ceiling onto the raft, in high heels, no easy feat. AMG: But my real lair was actually inside this beast – a base so secret that no one will be able to thwart my plans for world domination! Marmaduke Matters (coughing up ale): Cut it, lady. You’re clearly just as trapped in here as we are- AMG vs. Marmaduke Matters Not taking too kindly to being accused of obviously lying, the super villainess promptly kicks Matters square in the testicles. Her twelve-inch stiletto heel does the rest. Winner: AMGGained 5 exp, 2 skill points SKILL LEVEL UP! AMG became a LVL 8 Ballerina! Learned The Nut Cracker.Marmaduke Matters: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. The numbers are with our heroes, but the noises that Matters is making has them think twice about rushing AMG. Sure she can only castrate one, or two of them, but which ones is it going to be?AMG: Now that you’ve murdered all my minions, there is nothing for it – you’ll have to replace them. Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I answer to a HIGHER POWER. AMG (putting on an act): ........So you’d leave me defenceless in this scary place. And that’s how AMG became the self-proclaimed leader of this adventuring party. Keeping the debate from going further is the raft suddenly plunging down a waterfall of Romulan Ale.
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 1:04:58 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST
Romulan Ale Contest Continued...
Trekker: Isthatallyougotalabamaman?
Florida Man: Iwillbury………………………you.
A rivalry is brewing as Trekker and the hated nemesis she believes to be a gorn, Florida Man – trade shot for shot. Wiley Sharp’s favourite thing to eat is bull testicles, covered by a fancy name – but even he is looking green at the amount of star trek themed alcohol he’s consumed. Tom Baker suddenly starts violently throwing up, fortunately he’s inside a Dalek costume so no one sees it fill up with sick and drown the actor. The smell hits Sharp though, who promptly taps out. LiLi has consistently proven herself the favourite when it comes to food competitions, but apparently Romulan Ale is stronger stuff than she’s used to in China – as the giant panda has a tie wrapped around his head like he was Rambo. Kudor has had a number of setbacks with earth food, but given a beverage that is also from outer space, has taken to it like a fish to water. You wouldn’t know that the Kudor was being effected by the booze at all, except he flips forward. This blows LiLi’s mind, who promptly passes out.
MC Escher: We’re down to four competitors!
Dinosaur Bones: FINALLY MY STOMACH’S HONOUR WILL BE RESTOR-
“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Bonsey – we’re next!
The fates laugh.
Grumbling, Bones gets up and staggers towards the Gordon Ramsey autograph booth, eliminating himself.
MC Escher: We are down to three-
Florida Man and Trekker stagger off together like cadets who’ve just enjoyed their first beer. Arm in arm, the bitter rivals are a little friendlier than usual thanks in no part to the gallons of Romulan Ale they’ve consumed.
MC Escher: There you have it – the WINNER OF THE ROMULAN ALE DRINKING CONTEST-
KUDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kudor: BLA-bla-blaaaaaaaaaa!
The alien flips forwards. That isn’t right. Feeling like he’s been poisoned, Kudor promptly attacks some half-conscious NEOS.
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 1:09:14 GMT -5
MEANWHILE INSIDE THE BEAST...RAFT DEATH MATCH The Murder Hobos (AMG, ARM815H1 MK.69, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, Budd Lightyear, Marmaduke Matters & tied up ‘Al Cole Hall) vs. MOSASAURUS Miles Drucker: JESUS CHRIST!
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 1:13:54 GMT -5
MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THE BEAST...Dinosaur Bones approaches Gordon Ramsey’s table.Gordon Ramsey: Nice costume, how old are you little boy? Dinosaur Bones: MISTER RAMSEY, I RECENTLY LOST MY LOVE OF FOOD, DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR- Gordon Ramsey: Looks like you love food a little too much there, big boy. Maybe it’s the Romulan Ale getting to his head, but Bones doesn’t see why a celebrated Appetite Holy Man should get away with as much fat shaming as he does.
Dinosaur Bones vs. Gordon Ramsey The dracolich immediately bites into the celebrity chef. Gordon Ramsey: I’m not even cooked, I’m raw, YOU’RE GONNA KILL SOMEONE! Ramsey barely has time to call him a donkey before Bones finishes chewing. Winner: DINOSAUR BONESSKILL LEVEL UP! Gained +2 pallet, can now identify quality of conditioner used by hairy apes.Dinosaur Bones: WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT.
Accidentally contracted a bad case of Tourettes. “Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes (shrug): Well we tried... maybe Bobby Flay will provide real help. Dinosaur Bones: SURE BILL....... SURE.... Even as it comes out of his mouth, Stokes knows this is a lie. Bones wipes the Gordon off the area where his lips would be, he was really hoping for a miracle.
The Extinction Connection walk off through the convention to the sad piano exit them from the Incredible Hulk.
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mosler
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 1:17:48 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST
Pieces of raft drift up on the red sand of a beach.
Apparently even combining their powers like the Power Rangers, the Mosasaurus fight proved a little too much for the Murder Hobos. The adventure party slowly crawl out of the pooling orange liquid that they really hope is some Star Wars themed beverage. With his one good arm, the hooded figure of Scratch drags Lightyear out of the water, while the frail frame of Pilgrim carries the Furminator.
Marmaduke Matters (cough): Sorry about your... boat.
Scratch: Little matter. We have arrived.
AMG: Now this is a fortress worthy of me.
Off in the distance, is the majestic City of Bone – looking as impressive as the Emerald City or Metropolis, if everything was made out of skulls. Somewhere between Gaudi and Giger...
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: But if all the survivors live here, haven’t they given up?
Budd Lightyear: That’s right, we want out-
Scratch: Its lord can assist us. .....Wizard of Bone.
ARM815H1 MK.69: THIS UNIT IS ALL ABOUT THE BONE.
Marmaduke Matters: So we just meet this Wizard and we’re home?
Scratch: It is within his power. ...But meeting him will not be easy.
The adventurers nod in understanding. If they can survive a Mosasaurus, how hard can it be?
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mosler
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Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 1:22:19 GMT -5
MEANWHILE... THE NEXT MORNING
The first rays of sunlight pour through a tree, gently dancing across the face of Paramount+’s Star Trekker. She has been closer to the source, but it’s usually tempered by federation glass – so the warmth is a pleasant sensation. Normally she’d have a ridiculous hangover, but in the 24th century they eliminated such awful medical conditions. Still, last night is foggy. The last thing she remembers was drinking Bones under a table-
Opening her eyes, Trekker finds herself... on top of the 7-Eleven located just before the i75 turnoff for Bonita Springs.
A sheet covers up her unmentionables, but finding her star fleet uniform may be difficult in this unusual setting. Trekker slowly sits up, at the same time as her companion from the previous evening. Starring at one another, then the sheets, then the clothes thrown around, the reaction is mutual.
Trekker & Florida Man (in unison): NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
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