SNACK ATTACK. [04] THE TROJAN POPEYES
Jul 19, 2023 20:44:57 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and bloodiedfox like this
Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 20:44:57 GMT -5
HaRDCoRe iN ColoR
The Trojan Popeye
San Juan, Puerto Rico
7/11/23
Report by Lochlyn Laughton
On July 11th, the wrestling world was invited to the launch of a spectacular expedition. King Edmund IV the ruler of Supremia became aware Mrs. Wombat’s passing on GUNS 2022 Halloween Special, when the first lady of GUNS was devoured by Dinosaur Bones. The monarch was moved by the plight of her husband and children, and incensed enough to go on a big game hunt. While bagging a lion, his royal highness heard that La Authentico Wombat believed his better half to still be alive in the infernal dracolich. Known for his magnanimous nature and philanthropic enterprises, King Edmund IV immediately set off with plans to rescue Mrs. Wombat, or at least retrieve her corpse. Commissioning a craft to traverse the innards of a giant lizard, the submersible was dubbed the Trojan Popeyes.
Those reporters who attended the christening expecting food from the popular Louisiana restaurant chain – would soon be disappointed, as the King’s great generosity only extended to pig fries as snacks. This put off the majority of the writer’s while still drawing a crowd...
PIG FRIES EATOFF
LiLi vs. Kudor vs. Wiley Sharpe vs. so many starving Supremia secret police vs. writer who will do anything for a free meal (Phil)
Whenever questionable food is being served, the backwards-flipping alien and giant panda are soon to follow. They have developed quite the rivalry. The Supremia Secret Police provided little challenge in scoffing down fried pig testicles, as their stomachs had shrunken too much over years of neglect to make a real dent in the offering. Phil is disgusting for eating those things, and if he thinks he’s getting a ride home in my car – he has another thing coming. Kudor would be a shoe-in to sweep up this type of protein, but was let down by a recent development where it attempts to mimic human reactions. In this case, Kudor believed the fried testicles to be chewing gum. The creature actually managed to blow some impressive bubbles, but it really hurt his consumption rate. LiLi has consistently shown he has an appetite that can’t be beat, but in this case, to make the food more palatable, he clumped the fries into the shape of human babies. Don’t play with your food, LiLi! The babies made out of pig testicles weren’t that much more disturbing than the food itself, but the time taken to sculpt them threw off LiLi’s stride. Wiley Sharpe – whose favourite food is Bull testicles, took to these pig testicles like a pig to testicles. He wasn’t so much chewing as inhaling them deep fried nads. I didn’t want to watch, but I couldn’t look away. Sharpe is not human.
Winner: Wiley Sharpe
It was then that a number of Supremia Secret Police acting as breadcrumbs, led Dinosaur Bones to the launch sight. There must have been an easier way to coax the beast into the target area, but apparently it wasn’t more economic. Before boarding their craft, we heard King Edmund IV get in a row with his tracker Vënom who is now confined to a wheelchair. I can already hear the QAnon groups now trying to use this to prove that Vënom is actually VENOM who had his ability to walk impaired by El Combatiante at the GUNS Birthday Bash. Too guys with similar sounding names can both be confined to wheelchairs without trying to see elaborate conspiracies. King Edmund IV was concerned that Vënom wouldn’t be able to track as well, but Vënom’s counter argument was that they would be in the sub the whole time. At that point, Träcy wheeled him in.
The tiny submarine has been designed to look like a box of Popeye’s Chicken, and seats a six-person crew. King Edmund IV, Mutt, Vënom, Träcy, L.A. Wombat and Olmec Captain Nemo. Would this only be a three-hour tour?
DINOSAUR BONES vs. GIANT Popeyes Chicken Container
Even when small, a sub that is large enough to fit five is nothing to sneeze at. It took Dinosaur Bones a few attempts to swallow it whole. There was some initial chewing, but it didn’t look like it compromised the structural integrity of the craft – which functions with a Logitech controller – can you believe it? With a final gulp, the maiden voyage of the Trojan Popeyes appears to have been a smashing success.
Winner: Dinosaur Bones
Bon voyage. It is my sincerest hope that King Edmund is able to reunite L.A. Wombat with his wife, but when they hold a press conference to announce it – can we get better food?