SNACK ATTACK. [05] A Celebration
Jul 19, 2023 22:20:16 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Venom đź•·, and 2 more like this
Post by mosler on Jul 19, 2023 22:20:16 GMT -5
WRESTLING WITH THE TRUTH
DAWN “A Celebration”
Branson, Missouri
7/12/23
Report by Harold Thomas
This outlaw outfit is known as DANGEROUS ACTION WRESTLING NEGLIGIBLE, and they have a worse track record for major injuries, than any backyard promotion in America today. It isn’t that DAWN performers have more questionable training than the paralyzed teenagers that haunt your aunt’s garden, or that the promoters ask stupider things from them than Japanese indies – but a combination of the two that makes it a very hazardous workplace.
Before this show – which promised a running with scissors bunkhouse stampede – could get underway, they brought out a large cake to celebrate two whole weeks as a company without suffering an injury. To claim that dubious achievement, I bet they haven’t put a show on in three weeks. At the same time I am almost positive that cake has enough peanuts on it to hit someone’s allergy, though knowing DAWN’s reputation it might be bursting with fish bones as well.
True to their one-dimensional characters, the moment that free food is offered – this creates a feeding frenzy amongst certain superstars that frequent this road less travelled. Before any of the twelve people in the audience can indulge, the cake is surrounded by a rogues gallery of disproportionate appetite.
CAKE Eating Competition
Tom Foolery vs. LiLi vs. Short Order Cook, Shorter Temper vs. Kudor vs. Black Cat Path Crosser vs. Wiley Sharpe vs. Dude Who Climbs vs. Any Pill Will Do Joanne
Dinosaur Bones, who is on the show to defend his DAWN heavyweight title, insists that he will eat the cat, but wants no part of the eating competition. Apparently he’s now food shy? While the referee insists that EVERYONE has to enjoy cake, King Dedede – who definitely wasn’t a participant – proceeds to breathe in the sweets, and then run away. Kudor attempts to cut him off, so the Kirby antagonist dives into the one place he expects no one will follow, Dinosaur Bones’ mouth. The video game character doesn’t appreciate how angry Kudor gets when its prey is stolen. The backwards flipping extraterrestrial made his way to a power star, which he proceeded to RIDE down Bones’ stomach. ...Never seen that before. Hopefully this is like Aliens, and he can POP back out? No sooner had Kudor disappeared into the dracolich, than Bones started choking. LiLi attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuverer – or possibly murder Bones? He didn’t cough up Kudor. The effort swings his tail often enough that at least Foolery, Cook, Crosser, Climbs, and Joanne will all need to be rushed to emergency with serious contusions. When Bones finally peeled LiLi off him, he turned and mistook Shape as the helpful assailant. Incensed, Bones swallowed Wiley Sharpe whole! The referee declared that since Shape wasn’t cake, and Bones had wilfully ate him – that he was disqualified. Bones argued that he wasn’t part of the contest, so he couldn’t be disqualified, and that there was no cake, so was there really a contest? He said this in much louder words. Still, the dracolich’s DQ means the last stomach standing is...
Winner: LILI
LiLi raised his arms in victory, though seemed disappointed there was no more food. Annoyed to now be losing matches when he’s not even competing, Bones took his frustrations out on the winner – with Skeleton and Panda have a massive tussle that knocked the referee off the ramp. He has a massive head trauma. As the brawl disappeared from the crowd, the nature of crew’s injuries meant the rest of the “show” needed to be cancelled. It’ll be a very long time before DAWN can celebrate this achievement again.