SNACK ATTACK. [06] “Fort George Heights Ribfest”
Jul 20, 2023 0:44:05 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and bloodiedfox like this
Post by mosler on Jul 20, 2023 0:44:05 GMT -5
HaRDCoRe iN ColoR
“Fort George Heights Ribfest”
Bridgetown, Barbados
7/16/23
Report by Lochlyn Laughton
Between the deaths of colleagues, and all the horrible wrestling I’ve had to endure over the past few months, it was time to enjoy a vacation. Sadly, as I set down on the sandy beaches of the Barbados – certain characters seemed to follow me.
While enjoying the Fort George Heights neighbourhood Ribfest – two figures that I thought were children’s entertainers suddenly began eyeing the food. LiLi the Giant Panda who always treats anything edible without arms reach as a challenge, and Dinosaur Bones who exists to eat. Upon seeing the juicy meat, and his eating rival, LiLi threw down what I can only assume was a challenge in mandarin. Sick to death of food being used for entertainment instead of calories, Bones proceeded to FLIP THE GRILL OVER! Not cool, that smelt delicious. These two had already come to blows at a recent DAWN show – but this time there was no food between them.
GRUDGE MATCH
DINOSAUR BONES vs. LILI
LiLi immediately charged the dracolich, but Bones kept the panda at bay with a tail strike. SMACK! That left a mark on the Chinese national’s white chest hair. Shaking it off, the panda ducked under a bite – decapitation attempt. It’s a true testament to Bones’ coordination that he missed a target of LiLi’s size. The brute must be in a feeding frenzy. LiLi stomps on the dracolich’s tail – getting his attention. When he charges back, LiLi goes for the GAME of DEATH – recognizing Bruce Lee crane kick from the bucket list of legs he wants to eat, Bones puts the breaks on and swings his tail again. LiLi jumps over the tail, and tries to connect with the crane kick – only Bones is able to bring his tiny arms up in time. Happy families have started loading up their grills again, and also crowding around the two like they were entertainment and not VICIOUS ANIMALS. LiLi uses a series of paw slaps to send Bones tumbling into a grill – flames shoot up as the dracolich falls on it. LiLi repeatedly slams the lid on him, while Bones desperately tries to hold it open with his tiny t-rex arms. If there was any meat on him it would be well done. Eventually the weight of the two causes the grill to collapse to the ground, the two roll around – more rough housing than hitting any strikes that could be identified as moves. Rolling back into the overturned grill, Bones shoves LiLi’s head in the burning coals. This causes the panda to yelp, but it’s in Mandarin so there is no way to tell what he is calling for. Grabbing a fork, LiLi stabs Bones in the eye – which would mean more if it wasn’t empty. The two continue to trade blows as they struggle to their feet. Pulling the fork out of his eye socket, Bones grabs a tourist and swallows the man to hulk up. Two can play at that game! LiLi reaches into the audience, and tries to snatch a human baby – but before he can get the chance, Bones uses his tail to swipe more hot coals in the bear’s face. LiLi goes for an avalanche, but Bones turns it into a backdrop – sending the Panda into another grill. Grabbing the ribs off it, LiLi chows down for just the energy she needs! Bones gets his tiny claws on a butcher’s knife – but LiLi is undeterred, counting as he sucks down ribs. Dropping the knife, Bones puts his tiny fingers in his ears – not wanting to hear as the audience counts along with LiLi’s heroic rib eating record. 114. 115! Grabbing a bottle of BBQ sauce, Bones squirts it in LiLi’s face – but the panda just keeps using it to eat the ribs. Outraged, Bones decides to try the sauce himself – EATING LILI.
A referee shows up like this is a real match, and tells Bones that eating people is against the rules. Little late for that ref. Maybe you should have had that heart to heart YEARS AGO.
Winner: LiLi by DQ
Having consumed another of the competitive eaters that mocked his appetite, has Bones finally grown enough as a dracolich to take on hotdogs again? I refuse to support his homicidal run anymore, so viewers watching Night of Champions will have to fill me in.