Post by h2f on Jul 25, 2023 16:02:29 GMT -5
**whatever graphic XHF wants to add here or the CAR graphic. I don’t have the silicone cup graphic that isn’t the one used in the show last year.**
Outside the Central Savings Bank, where the XHF Night of Champions is occuring, CAR has assembled at a red light.
Grandma Mary: Welcome, XHF fans, to the CAR Silicone Cup! The CAR Cup made from a chest prosthetic. I’m glad you have found the light!
Uncle: The arena exit signs were well lit. Oh! You mean the street light.
Grandma Mary: I meant the light in each of our teams’, and our CARnie fans’, hearts that shine a little brighter for a CAR race. The whole CAR Planning Committee would like to thank the XHF and XHF Community, excepting GUNS, for welcoming us into their hearts and minds.
Uncle: By “minds”, do you mean thinking about how much fun CAR is to watch?
Grandma Mary: Please welcome the Angry Mad Chemists! Recently they have been mistaken for a cult with a device that causes infatuation with them. This seems wholly false, anyone with their driver’s backside is sure to cause infatuation.
Uncle: I believe he’s still sensitive about that.
Grandma Mary: Oh. Well. Next to them we have the CopyCat, an impressive winner despite the reduced horsepower of his eco-friendly vehicle.
Uncle: The vehicle is entirely made from cardboard and powered by the man running with it strapped to his body.
Grandma Mary: He won the Sippy Cup and traffic is certainly keeping things walking speed.
Uncle: This is a race, Mother!
Grandma Mary: I’m introducing the crews! Fans, please welcome Mother. The Car.
Uncle: Congratulations to the crew for their-
Grandma Mary: The whole CAR Planning Committee extends their best wishes for the future!
Uncle: Such a happy place to be in one's life.
Grandma Mary: The Happiest Place. Sadly, the same sentiment cannot be extended to our final crew, Reedy Creek. And with that we are read-
The light changes to green.
Grandma Mary: Go!
Uncle: And they're off! Reedy Creek and CopyCat are in the lead as they sprint off the starting line.
Grandma Mary: CopyCat is moving surprisingly fast today. But Mother is right on their heels.
Uncle: AMC is bringing up the rear but this is still everyone's race as the racers catch up to the traffic.
Grandma Mary: Wow! This traffic is like four lanes of Grandfather Mountain Highland Games' traffic. Someone grab some bagpipes! They aren’t going to escape this quickly.
Uncle: I thought Mongo secured a closed road for this race?
Grandma Mary: He asked if we would go halfsies- the traffic are the obstacles this month.
Uncle: Ahh! That’s what you were hiding from me?
Grandma Mary: Sure. CopyCat has started weaving through the other cars like an overly wide bicycle.
Uncle: I think the Industrial Woman just caused a fender bender.
Grandma Mary: She looks fine. I’m sure the other car just panicked at the sound of someone else's horn and decided to kiss someone else’s bumper with their bumper.
Uncle: Reedy Creek sure is leaning on their insulting horn.
Grandma Mary: Those insults, while surprising, don’t seem to be phasing the drivers around them.
Uncle: Yeah. We can’t play what the non-racers are saying in response.
Grandma Mary: Oh, come on! Let’s see what happens:
The radio cracked as they turn the volume up:
Billy: BEEP BEEP MOTHER TRUCKERS! Chemical weapons away!
The radio is turned back down as the Chemists do nothing because that isn’t an approved modification and use of an unapproved modification would forfeit the race.
Grandma Mary: Well. That was anticlimactic.
Uncle: Honestly, it was better than I thought it would be. Looks like they've hit a red light.
Grandma Mary: Wow. They’re all stuck here. No one got past it. I think this is a great time to talk about our CAR Sponsor-
Uncle: Uh oh, there appears to be a man who has made his way onto the crosswalk. I thought we shut those down? Maybe he’s a fan or venue employee?
Grandma Mary: Oh, he’s gonna get hurt, someone needs to get him out of there!
Uncle: I can’t believe it, this man is now standing in the middle of the road seemingly trying to flag these cars down?!
Grandma Mary: What is he doing??
Uncle: Does anyone recognize him? This guy is gonna get himself and everyone else killed!
The light changes to green and all vehicles resume their journey.
Uncle: Mother just whizzed past him, and he didn’t even look up from his phone!
Grandma Mary: Is that? Yes, that is Hardkore World’s color commentator, Phil Blauer?
Uncle: But what is he doing in the road?
Sound amplifying equipment for audience response:
Phil: Uber?? Are any of you guys my Uber?
Phil throws his arms up exasperated.
Phil: I really don’t have time for this, I have to get to the show or Gilligan O’Halloran or whatever his name is does that thing where he points to his wrist where a watch would be.
CopyCat attempts to run past as Phil tries to get in the “backseat” of the cardboard car. He can’t find the door handle, because there isn’t one.
Phil: Finally! Take me to Liberty Ave in Lower Manhattan! And step on it!
Phil sniffs and eyes the smoking cigar against the cardboard side of the car.
Phil: Look chum, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job but having your front seat on fire is not how you get a 5 star rating.
Phil walks towards another side street for better options.
Grandma Mary: -and stay out. How did the rest of the teams take this?
She turns the radio back up:
Billy: NO YOOOOOUR MOTHER IS A BEAVER! How rude you all are!
She turns the radio back down.
Uncle: I did notice an odd number of beavers in the city today.
A large number of Pokemon Bidoof are dancing on the sidewalks of the race course.
Grandma Mary: That’s a rude thing to say about a lady. Oh! You mean the furries? That’s not what I think of when I hear the term beaver.
Uncle: I suppose they do look a little cartoonish. They aren’t wearing pants! Or Shirts! I don’t think anyone was ready to see this many naked beavers in the city today.
Grandma Mary: You do understand it’s a colloquial anatomical term, right?
Uncle: I think these are from a kids cartoon. They seem to be taunting the AMC.
Grandma Mary: That’s a no then? Mother is really in the racing spirit today. Accelerating and slamming on her breaks like that joke about a blonde at a blinking red light.
Uncle: What joke?
Grandma Mary: What goes VROOM, Screech, VROOM, Screech, VROOOM, Screech?
Uncle: Not Reedy Creek, they are really gliding through the traffic. Look at the lane change. Like tempered rage or barely controlled fury. Beautiful. It’s like watching the clouds roll in.
Grandma Mary: Speaking of clouds rolling in, it looks like NYC is about to get a summer thunderstorm to rival Florida. I wonder if that’s the metaphor Reedy Creek wants?
Uncle: Wha- Oh. That’s a shade of purple blue that reminds me of the whale here at the NYC’s American Museum of Natural History.
Grandma Mary: A curtain of rain is chasing the racers.
The Forest Force usher spectators from the metal bleachers onto the sidewalks and into stores.
In the crew designated area, Tinto grabs himself with a metal shield, and hides under a tree. J.R. runs to Bogdan with an umbrella, because the most toxic relationship in the XHF is kind of a cute couple.
The oncoming wall of water hits with a bang of thunder. A bright day suddenly turns dark, except for the flashes of lightning.
The radio amplifies the concerns of others:
Ovi: Surely our ablative armor and chemical engine will counter the fact our car is unpainted ferro-magnetic metal …
The amount of metal used in CAR is concerning. Except for CopyCat. Who is, in fact, surrounded by non-electromagnetic cardboard. It is now very wet. He is very wet. The “vehicle” is showing serious signs of deterioration.
Grandma Mary: Oh! The final red light before the finish line. Reedy Creek has slammed to a stop. Mother would have run it but had to stop or slam into Reedy Creek. CopyCat has swerved to avoid hitting anyone in their delicate vehicle.
Uncle: Another person in the crosswalk? Jez. Where is the Forest Force?
Grandma Mary: Still helping people off the- *pause for thunder* - bleachers. That was a close one. Only three seconds.
Uncle: Lightning can hit anywhere in two miles. If you count the number of seconds between the flash of lightning and the sound of thunder, and then divide by 5, you'll get the distance in miles to the lightning. That’s anything within ten seconds.
Grandma Mary: Right now, I’m more concerned about visibility. *Pause for thunder* We can’t call off the race that is so close to the end, but I can’t see all the vehicles now and the finish line is even further away.
Uncle: I’m more concerned that the vehicles can’t see each- *Thunder clap* -other.
Grandma Mary: Green light! The traffic is movin’ but I can’t see who is where anymore.
Uncle: Well, I’m right here and I think this is a great time to tell you about this race’s sponsor- *Crack of thunder drowns out what he says next*
Grandma Mary: I agree! Please support CAR by supporting our sponsor *Thunder shakes the room*.
Uncle: And there’s the end of the race whistle. Time to talk winners!
Grandma Mary: Every crew at CAR is a winner! Our four crews this month did an excellent job, especially considering the inclement climate. You are all winners to me! And each other. This month’s Fan Belt is a four way tie.
Uncle: For those who aren’t ‘in-the-know’ and somehow still with us, the Fan Belt is a CAR title awarded to the crew that receives the most votes each month we have voting open. Any XHF user in good standing can cast a vote for a crew that raced that month during the voting window on the voting thread.
Grandma Mary: CAR values participation and positive feedback from our fans. CAR would like to thank the following people for their help in planning today’s race: Kuroi, Johnnie Valentine, and D-Flipz.
A text message lights up Grandma Mary’s cell phone.
Uncle: Oh, good. You had someone snap a photo of the finish line. Wait. Is that a yellow cab car blocking the whole shot? Do you have it from a different angle?
*The two swipe through other photos.*
Grandma Mary: This rainstorm is really… not helping.
Uncle: The Silicone Cup is the CAR XHF title and will be awarded to one crew. One. Crew. Mom. One. Crew.
Grandma Mary: Alright fine. Here’s an almost acceptable shot. The winner of this year’s Silicone Cup is Angry Mad Chemists. Y’all are the biggest boob.
From several blocks away
Billy: *sobs* MY BOOB! FINALLY! …. Now I need a complete set …
Uncle: They aren’t…
Grandma Mary: Please join us next month in CAR for a Sippy Cup Qualifier. New crews that want to race next month are accepted now through the end of the sign up window on the 5th.
Outside the Central Savings Bank, where the XHF Night of Champions is occuring, CAR has assembled at a red light.
Grandma Mary: Welcome, XHF fans, to the CAR Silicone Cup! The CAR Cup made from a chest prosthetic. I’m glad you have found the light!
Uncle: The arena exit signs were well lit. Oh! You mean the street light.
Grandma Mary: I meant the light in each of our teams’, and our CARnie fans’, hearts that shine a little brighter for a CAR race. The whole CAR Planning Committee would like to thank the XHF and XHF Community, excepting GUNS, for welcoming us into their hearts and minds.
Uncle: By “minds”, do you mean thinking about how much fun CAR is to watch?
Grandma Mary: Please welcome the Angry Mad Chemists! Recently they have been mistaken for a cult with a device that causes infatuation with them. This seems wholly false, anyone with their driver’s backside is sure to cause infatuation.
Uncle: I believe he’s still sensitive about that.
Grandma Mary: Oh. Well. Next to them we have the CopyCat, an impressive winner despite the reduced horsepower of his eco-friendly vehicle.
Uncle: The vehicle is entirely made from cardboard and powered by the man running with it strapped to his body.
Grandma Mary: He won the Sippy Cup and traffic is certainly keeping things walking speed.
Uncle: This is a race, Mother!
Grandma Mary: I’m introducing the crews! Fans, please welcome Mother. The Car.
Uncle: Congratulations to the crew for their-
Grandma Mary: The whole CAR Planning Committee extends their best wishes for the future!
Uncle: Such a happy place to be in one's life.
Grandma Mary: The Happiest Place. Sadly, the same sentiment cannot be extended to our final crew, Reedy Creek. And with that we are read-
The light changes to green.
Grandma Mary: Go!
Uncle: And they're off! Reedy Creek and CopyCat are in the lead as they sprint off the starting line.
Grandma Mary: CopyCat is moving surprisingly fast today. But Mother is right on their heels.
Uncle: AMC is bringing up the rear but this is still everyone's race as the racers catch up to the traffic.
Grandma Mary: Wow! This traffic is like four lanes of Grandfather Mountain Highland Games' traffic. Someone grab some bagpipes! They aren’t going to escape this quickly.
Uncle: I thought Mongo secured a closed road for this race?
Grandma Mary: He asked if we would go halfsies- the traffic are the obstacles this month.
Uncle: Ahh! That’s what you were hiding from me?
Grandma Mary: Sure. CopyCat has started weaving through the other cars like an overly wide bicycle.
Uncle: I think the Industrial Woman just caused a fender bender.
Grandma Mary: She looks fine. I’m sure the other car just panicked at the sound of someone else's horn and decided to kiss someone else’s bumper with their bumper.
Uncle: Reedy Creek sure is leaning on their insulting horn.
Grandma Mary: Those insults, while surprising, don’t seem to be phasing the drivers around them.
Uncle: Yeah. We can’t play what the non-racers are saying in response.
Grandma Mary: Oh, come on! Let’s see what happens:
The radio cracked as they turn the volume up:
Billy: BEEP BEEP MOTHER TRUCKERS! Chemical weapons away!
The radio is turned back down as the Chemists do nothing because that isn’t an approved modification and use of an unapproved modification would forfeit the race.
Grandma Mary: Well. That was anticlimactic.
Uncle: Honestly, it was better than I thought it would be. Looks like they've hit a red light.
Grandma Mary: Wow. They’re all stuck here. No one got past it. I think this is a great time to talk about our CAR Sponsor-
Uncle: Uh oh, there appears to be a man who has made his way onto the crosswalk. I thought we shut those down? Maybe he’s a fan or venue employee?
Grandma Mary: Oh, he’s gonna get hurt, someone needs to get him out of there!
Uncle: I can’t believe it, this man is now standing in the middle of the road seemingly trying to flag these cars down?!
Grandma Mary: What is he doing??
Uncle: Does anyone recognize him? This guy is gonna get himself and everyone else killed!
The light changes to green and all vehicles resume their journey.
Uncle: Mother just whizzed past him, and he didn’t even look up from his phone!
Grandma Mary: Is that? Yes, that is Hardkore World’s color commentator, Phil Blauer?
Uncle: But what is he doing in the road?
Sound amplifying equipment for audience response:
Phil: Uber?? Are any of you guys my Uber?
Phil throws his arms up exasperated.
Phil: I really don’t have time for this, I have to get to the show or Gilligan O’Halloran or whatever his name is does that thing where he points to his wrist where a watch would be.
CopyCat attempts to run past as Phil tries to get in the “backseat” of the cardboard car. He can’t find the door handle, because there isn’t one.
Phil: Finally! Take me to Liberty Ave in Lower Manhattan! And step on it!
Phil sniffs and eyes the smoking cigar against the cardboard side of the car.
Phil: Look chum, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job but having your front seat on fire is not how you get a 5 star rating.
Phil walks towards another side street for better options.
Grandma Mary: -and stay out. How did the rest of the teams take this?
She turns the radio back up:
Billy: NO YOOOOOUR MOTHER IS A BEAVER! How rude you all are!
She turns the radio back down.
Uncle: I did notice an odd number of beavers in the city today.
A large number of Pokemon Bidoof are dancing on the sidewalks of the race course.
Grandma Mary: That’s a rude thing to say about a lady. Oh! You mean the furries? That’s not what I think of when I hear the term beaver.
Uncle: I suppose they do look a little cartoonish. They aren’t wearing pants! Or Shirts! I don’t think anyone was ready to see this many naked beavers in the city today.
Grandma Mary: You do understand it’s a colloquial anatomical term, right?
Uncle: I think these are from a kids cartoon. They seem to be taunting the AMC.
Grandma Mary: That’s a no then? Mother is really in the racing spirit today. Accelerating and slamming on her breaks like that joke about a blonde at a blinking red light.
Uncle: What joke?
Grandma Mary: What goes VROOM, Screech, VROOM, Screech, VROOOM, Screech?
Uncle: Not Reedy Creek, they are really gliding through the traffic. Look at the lane change. Like tempered rage or barely controlled fury. Beautiful. It’s like watching the clouds roll in.
Grandma Mary: Speaking of clouds rolling in, it looks like NYC is about to get a summer thunderstorm to rival Florida. I wonder if that’s the metaphor Reedy Creek wants?
Uncle: Wha- Oh. That’s a shade of purple blue that reminds me of the whale here at the NYC’s American Museum of Natural History.
Grandma Mary: A curtain of rain is chasing the racers.
The Forest Force usher spectators from the metal bleachers onto the sidewalks and into stores.
In the crew designated area, Tinto grabs himself with a metal shield, and hides under a tree. J.R. runs to Bogdan with an umbrella, because the most toxic relationship in the XHF is kind of a cute couple.
The oncoming wall of water hits with a bang of thunder. A bright day suddenly turns dark, except for the flashes of lightning.
The radio amplifies the concerns of others:
Ovi: Surely our ablative armor and chemical engine will counter the fact our car is unpainted ferro-magnetic metal …
The amount of metal used in CAR is concerning. Except for CopyCat. Who is, in fact, surrounded by non-electromagnetic cardboard. It is now very wet. He is very wet. The “vehicle” is showing serious signs of deterioration.
Grandma Mary: Oh! The final red light before the finish line. Reedy Creek has slammed to a stop. Mother would have run it but had to stop or slam into Reedy Creek. CopyCat has swerved to avoid hitting anyone in their delicate vehicle.
Uncle: Another person in the crosswalk? Jez. Where is the Forest Force?
Grandma Mary: Still helping people off the- *pause for thunder* - bleachers. That was a close one. Only three seconds.
Uncle: Lightning can hit anywhere in two miles. If you count the number of seconds between the flash of lightning and the sound of thunder, and then divide by 5, you'll get the distance in miles to the lightning. That’s anything within ten seconds.
Grandma Mary: Right now, I’m more concerned about visibility. *Pause for thunder* We can’t call off the race that is so close to the end, but I can’t see all the vehicles now and the finish line is even further away.
Uncle: I’m more concerned that the vehicles can’t see each- *Thunder clap* -other.
Grandma Mary: Green light! The traffic is movin’ but I can’t see who is where anymore.
Uncle: Well, I’m right here and I think this is a great time to tell you about this race’s sponsor- *Crack of thunder drowns out what he says next*
Grandma Mary: I agree! Please support CAR by supporting our sponsor *Thunder shakes the room*.
Uncle: And there’s the end of the race whistle. Time to talk winners!
Grandma Mary: Every crew at CAR is a winner! Our four crews this month did an excellent job, especially considering the inclement climate. You are all winners to me! And each other. This month’s Fan Belt is a four way tie.
Uncle: For those who aren’t ‘in-the-know’ and somehow still with us, the Fan Belt is a CAR title awarded to the crew that receives the most votes each month we have voting open. Any XHF user in good standing can cast a vote for a crew that raced that month during the voting window on the voting thread.
Grandma Mary: CAR values participation and positive feedback from our fans. CAR would like to thank the following people for their help in planning today’s race: Kuroi, Johnnie Valentine, and D-Flipz.
A text message lights up Grandma Mary’s cell phone.
Uncle: Oh, good. You had someone snap a photo of the finish line. Wait. Is that a yellow cab car blocking the whole shot? Do you have it from a different angle?
*The two swipe through other photos.*
Grandma Mary: This rainstorm is really… not helping.
Uncle: The Silicone Cup is the CAR XHF title and will be awarded to one crew. One. Crew. Mom. One. Crew.
Grandma Mary: Alright fine. Here’s an almost acceptable shot. The winner of this year’s Silicone Cup is Angry Mad Chemists. Y’all are the biggest boob.
From several blocks away
Billy: *sobs* MY BOOB! FINALLY! …. Now I need a complete set …
Uncle: They aren’t…
Grandma Mary: Please join us next month in CAR for a Sippy Cup Qualifier. New crews that want to race next month are accepted now through the end of the sign up window on the 5th.