mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Sept 25, 2023 1:03:05 GMT -5
HaRDCoRe iN ColoR Bad Moon Rising Kansas City, Missouri 9/11/23 Report by Lochlyn Laughton
LUNAR PRO is the regional federation that claims to be set on the moon. Most of the wrestlers have astronauts or alien gimmicks, and they all move around incredibly slowly like they were in different gravity. It is cute, but I don't really see the longterm appeal. Still, I was able to catch their fiftieth show - and it was a really good time, until the following occurred....
LPW Interplanetary Championship Commander T'wrrrr (c) vs. Kudor
After a number of attempts to introduce everyone's favourite blue backflipping alien first, the champion entered. T'wrrr's plastic mask and ill-fitting costume call to mind a bastard cross between Star Wars' Admiral Ackbar and a Star Fleet officer. When the champ eventually slowly jumps down to the ring, the officials again try to announce Kudor. Screams behind me in the audience lead to an unfortunate appearance by the hated Dinosaur Bones. I firmly believe that Bones is responsible for a number missing persons in our industry, and should be banned. Losing my interest in Lunar Pro, I began to leave - but the human crush created by Bones rampage towards the ring meant the exit was blocked. I begrudgingly witnessed the following: Bones insist that Kudor was actually located inside him like one of the xenomorph chestbursters from the film ALIENS, and that he would be appearing as Kudor's proxy. The officials seemed to question this, until Bones produced paperwork that suggested Kudor was under contract with Bones. It all got rather confusing, but before the United Federation of LPW can deny Bones request - T'wrrr attacks before the bell! ...with a phaser. Sadly, because Bones isn't a Lunar Pro regular he doesn't realize he's supposed to be disintegrated by the "pew pew" sounds - and the match continues. Bones is also oblivious to how slow he's supposed to be moving in the "moon atmosphere" so frequently overtakes T'wrrr, no sells laser gun shots, then beats him around like a rag doll. Eventually a dozen men in similar outfits run in to save T'wrrr, but Bones makes quick work of them with tail shots. It should be noted that Bones eats half of these henchmen, and I don't see how you can fake that. I know a lot of readers point to Mrs. Wombat and say "look he's not killing people" - but I didn't see where T'wrrr's crew mates could be hiding. After a number of near falls, Bones decided to pay tribute to Kudor with a cartwheel - only his tiny t-rex arms don't support his weight, and he basically hit a ganso bomb... on himself. Bones neck looks snapped, unfortunately his tail connected knocking T'wrrr out - leaving the smaller competitor prone for when the larger monster fell. 1. 2. 3. Winner: Kudor
Despite not being involved in the match - unless he's being digested, Kudor was declared the new LPW Interplanetary champion.
At this point I found my way through the crowds to the exit. I left Bad Moon Rising before it finished, but I was alarmed by an absence of Trekker - who you would think would be a lock for this federation. If readers haven't seen her lately, might I suggest you sign my online petition to ban Dinosaur Bones from the XHF?
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Sept 25, 2023 2:28:11 GMT -5
BONES DIGEST PAGES FROM THE JOURNAL OF MILES DRUCKER Entry 78.
Has it really been two spawning seasons of the Lesser Underbridge Gore Maggots since that horrible woman won the Crystal Skull?
Our ragtag party continues its attempts to liberate the mystical artifact from the wretched Trekker, with the promise that recovering it will give us salvation from this constant nightmare. For her part, Trekker continues to insist that this is part of an away mission - while refusing to give it to us due to a "Prime Directive." We have tracked her down on five separate occasions, but each "title defence" sees her succeed in frustrating our challenge and escaping to torment us another day. Who knows where she disappears too. For our continued suffering, I hope she transports to hell.
Food has become scarce inside the beast. The other day our Merry Murder Hobo club came across a partially chewed Shaolin Bronze Man who said that our host had become an apprentice at Shaolin Kitchen to better appreciate the culinary arts. If the Dread Lord is putting more time into cooking than eating, it is little wonder our landscape is becoming increasingly barren.
Entry 79.
Lack of food is causing our group to in-fight. This morning Lili accused Venöm of faking his leg injuries, and said he was only keeping the act up so that Träcy would keep pushing him around in a wheelchair. I don't feel the giant panda said this out of concern for Träcy's well being, as much as it wanted to be pushed around in the chair instead. The rest of the group found this troubling, because would take the lot of us to shift him - so we came to Venöm's defence, assuring the bear of his struggles. In truth, I don't actually speak Mandarin - so I may have made that whole argument up to pass the time.
Tracking Trekker across an area known as Chult, we cornered her at the Tomb of Annihilation.
Crystal Skull Championship Tomb of Annihilation Death Match Paramount+'s Star Trekker (c) vs The Murder Hobo Express (everyone)
She runs quickly for a faux federation officer, but the numbers were with us - and I was sure our motley crew would finally win back our Crystal Skull salvation. Tragically, it was at this exact moment that internal tensions boiled over. With escape in our grasp, King Edmund IV wanted to get a stone from Biff Bluebird? Just as Bluebird had Trekker in a headlock, he was attacked by Mutt. Harsh Winter Pilgrim attempted to calm the two, caring for Christian charity, only to get rolled over by the two brawling men. Lili and Kudor fought off some liches to rescue Trekker, only to get into a brawl of their own to decide who was going to pin her. In the confusion, Handicapable Venöm tried to shoot Trekker with his tranquilizer gun - only to hit the Panda. Already sore about having to walk across Chult - a doped up Lili attacked the hobbled member of the crew. While the other members attempted to separate the two, Trekker once again beamed out. Winner: Trekker
Supremia Stone Biff Bluebird (owner?) vs. King Edmund IV (Mutt)
Just when it looked like the Budlight mascot was going to get his hands on some monster meet to change names, Edmund got a sceptre shot in - allowing Mutt to subdue the stone holder. Winner: King Edmund IV
In defeat, however, Bluebird admitted to trading the stone for food. Edmund didn't seem convinced, as Bluebird's name hadn't changed - but Bird admitted that his name had changed so badly, that he kept it under wraps, and was fortunate enough to eat some ghoul that turned it back. Under further interrogation, Bluebird admitted that he had traded the stone to the Wizard of Gore. Frustrated with the ineffective group, Edmund IV and Mutt quickly took their leave.
Wheelchair Venöm (owner) vs. Lili (scary and lazy)
To his credit, our Dinosaur Hunter didn't get up and run away even as the panda speared into his chair. He might really need it. It took all of us - though my journalistic integrity kept me from getting involved - to keep the panda from mauling the man who killed Turok. The fight was fierce, but in our hearts we knew we had to protect Venöm....... because Chult is infested with dinosaurs and its the one location where our tracker's skills would actually help our survival rating. Just because everyone was trying to hold Lili down doesn't mean the brute isn't the biggest member of our troop - it was an uphill battle. Fortunately just as Lili was about to chew off Wiley Sharp's arm - the tranquilizer kicked in. Winner: Venöm While the conscious members searched for Trekker's trail, I decided to follow the Supremia contingent.
Entry 80.
Arriving at the Bone City Palace, King Edmund IV discovered a number of Boneheads loading a hot air ballon with treasure. Apparently the food shortage had become bad enough that the Wizard of Bone had schemed an alternative exit strategy.
While the Wizard collected more trinkets, King Edmund IV sprung into action - stealing his hot air ballon.
I'd like to say I joined the Supremians on the dirigible, but Mutt threw me like a lawn dart into the approaching Bonehead guards.
As they ascended, the Wizard revealed he was in possession of the Supremia Stone - and if King Edmund IV truly valued it? He would enter the End of Days tournament and get the food lines flowing again. Some of that went over my head.
The last we saw of King Edmund IV and Mutt was the balloon approaching a giant crevice I have to assume was the dracolich's mouth. I can't imagine the two will survive the exit.
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