Sippy Cup Qualifier 2: September 2023 Race
Sept 30, 2023 18:44:21 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by h2f on Sept 30, 2023 18:44:21 GMT -5
Sippy Cup Qualifier 2 September 2023 Race
The seven mountain peaks surrounding the town of Seven Devils can just be seen from the CAR racetrack. A location which has been decorated with all the glittering glory of the Las Vegas strip at high noon! Which, for anyone who has yet to experience the dry heat, is honestly more of the shimmer of sweat. Thankfully, CAR has avoided the additional aroma of toasted drunken sadness.
Grandma Mary: Hold on, let me turn the air down.
Uncle: Maw, you just started the live stream. Shall I introduce the first crew?
Grandma Mary: Don’t you dare!
Uncle: Well… Thank you all for joining CAR at our second of several Sippy Cup qualifiers. Next month we will be switching gears a little and holding an Athletic Cup. As a reminder, we have a new golden jock strap for the winner and several more available in the CAR gift shop. For the Athletic Cup we will-
Grandma Mary: BE JOINING END OF DAYS! More info to follow. Our first crew at the starting line is the Angry Mad Chemists!
Uncle: They’re looking a little tired but in good spirits.
Grandma Mary: Next up is Death Trap’s hat.
Uncle: Pretty sure that’s not their name.
Grandma Mary: But it is their most memorable feature. Well, not right now. He looks so sad. Look at the state of that beard, and... the abs seem lacking.
Uncle: Don't be so vain and don't kick a man when he's down. Death Trap, we all good through some things. Hang in there, Buddy.
Grandma Mary: Under new management is Reedy Creek Racing. As long as it isn’t GUNS, that’s fine.
Uncle: Didn’t you just poach one of their people?
Grandma Mary: And next to them is, of course, Team Wood. They had a strong showing last month and they aren’t in GUNS. I don’t think. Pretty sure?
Uncle: And next to Team Wood is-
Grandma Mary: Our new FURRY-ous racer! Well. He’s a scaly but I’m not here to kink shame. Actually, he looked kinda familiar somehow. I wondered if I knew his-
Uncle: This is RRR and the Florida’s man isn’t from around these parts so I doubt you knew his family back in the day. Perhaps you remember him from the GUNS SHOW.
Grandma Mary: Maybe. Or another XHF Event. That seems more likely. I'm not really into scalies. We are hosting an XHF event next month. But more on that at the end of the race! PULL THE LEVER!
Uncle: Down at the starting line, the combined might of the Forest Force jumps and grabs the lever of a giant slot machine. It slowly descends until an audible click starts a whirl of three wheels. The first symbol is.. Tiger Beetle?
Grandma Mary: It’s CARS emblem. The second symbol is also the Tiger Beetle.
Uncle: The third symbol is… wait for it… Tiger Beetle! The machine has lit up like a Christmas tree and blinging and bonging like church bells.
Grandma Mary: AND THEY'RE OFF! Team wood has taken an early lead, Reedy Creek next.
Uncle: DT is gaining on them with RRR and AMC are neck and neck.
Grandma Mary: The spacing is tight as they approach the first lucky challenge! Cannons! I LOVE cannons!
Greg Adkins maneuvers his car to the other side of Death Trap from the sources of the poker chips as they start flying. Death Traps corvette veers wildly.
Radio
DT: No! NO! My BABY! What have they done!
Ovi: Those tiny things won’t even get the ablative armor and chemical coating ready to sweat! Do they not know that mass matters in projectiles!?
Florida man lowers his window and holds a basket out to collect the poker chips.
Uncle: He must realize we bought those in bulk and they have no value, right? He’s doing this for the views, right?
Grandma Mary: We shall find out later! Looks like Death Trap stopped to assess his car. That’s gunna cost him time.
DT cries over his car while buffing out a poker chip ding with a bowler hat.
Uncle: Maw, you just started the live stream. Shall I introduce the first crew?
Grandma Mary: Don’t you dare!
Uncle: Well… Thank you all for joining CAR at our second of several Sippy Cup qualifiers. Next month we will be switching gears a little and holding an Athletic Cup. As a reminder, we have a new golden jock strap for the winner and several more available in the CAR gift shop. For the Athletic Cup we will-
Grandma Mary: BE JOINING END OF DAYS! More info to follow. Our first crew at the starting line is the Angry Mad Chemists!
Uncle: They’re looking a little tired but in good spirits.
Grandma Mary: Next up is Death Trap’s hat.
Uncle: Pretty sure that’s not their name.
Grandma Mary: But it is their most memorable feature. Well, not right now. He looks so sad. Look at the state of that beard, and... the abs seem lacking.
Uncle: Don't be so vain and don't kick a man when he's down. Death Trap, we all good through some things. Hang in there, Buddy.
Grandma Mary: Under new management is Reedy Creek Racing. As long as it isn’t GUNS, that’s fine.
Uncle: Didn’t you just poach one of their people?
Grandma Mary: And next to them is, of course, Team Wood. They had a strong showing last month and they aren’t in GUNS. I don’t think. Pretty sure?
Uncle: And next to Team Wood is-
Grandma Mary: Our new FURRY-ous racer! Well. He’s a scaly but I’m not here to kink shame. Actually, he looked kinda familiar somehow. I wondered if I knew his-
Uncle: This is RRR and the Florida’s man isn’t from around these parts so I doubt you knew his family back in the day. Perhaps you remember him from the GUNS SHOW.
Grandma Mary: Maybe. Or another XHF Event. That seems more likely. I'm not really into scalies. We are hosting an XHF event next month. But more on that at the end of the race! PULL THE LEVER!
Uncle: Down at the starting line, the combined might of the Forest Force jumps and grabs the lever of a giant slot machine. It slowly descends until an audible click starts a whirl of three wheels. The first symbol is.. Tiger Beetle?
Grandma Mary: It’s CARS emblem. The second symbol is also the Tiger Beetle.
Uncle: The third symbol is… wait for it… Tiger Beetle! The machine has lit up like a Christmas tree and blinging and bonging like church bells.
Grandma Mary: AND THEY'RE OFF! Team wood has taken an early lead, Reedy Creek next.
Uncle: DT is gaining on them with RRR and AMC are neck and neck.
Grandma Mary: The spacing is tight as they approach the first lucky challenge! Cannons! I LOVE cannons!
Greg Adkins maneuvers his car to the other side of Death Trap from the sources of the poker chips as they start flying. Death Traps corvette veers wildly.
Radio
DT: No! NO! My BABY! What have they done!
Ovi: Those tiny things won’t even get the ablative armor and chemical coating ready to sweat! Do they not know that mass matters in projectiles!?
Florida man lowers his window and holds a basket out to collect the poker chips.
Uncle: He must realize we bought those in bulk and they have no value, right? He’s doing this for the views, right?
Grandma Mary: We shall find out later! Looks like Death Trap stopped to assess his car. That’s gunna cost him time.
DT cries over his car while buffing out a poker chip ding with a bowler hat.
Uncle: The rest are already heading towards the card bridge. Rest assured, dear CARnies that that bridge is stable. It has been rated up to 5000 pounds!
Grandma Mary: And don’t worry, those ratings are always low balling it. Here comes the first crew. And the second crew.
Uncle: The Angry Mad Chemists approach the bridge!
The bridge collapses under the weight of the Chemistruckanator.
Uncle: Greg Adkins swerves to avoid the now collapsed bridge and almost hits Reedy Creek. RRR zooms around them and they follow.
Grandma Mary: Well, not AMC. They are stuck. But that bridge should have held!! I tested it myself!
Uncle: Looks like Death Trap is back on the course and catching up as AMC attempts to dig themselves out of this one.
Grandma Mary: Forest! Make a note to look into this! Wait. First, fire up the Dancing Girls.
The Go Go girls begin dancing to music only they hear as the racers approach.
Grandma Mary: The water pistols are the latest in fire fighting technology.
Uncle: Fire fightin’? I thought these were like super soakers!!
Grandma Mary: Like, yes. Better, also yes. Looks like both Team Wood and RRR have been distracted by the water works.
Uncle: I don’t think that's- hey, the water is actually pushing the cars away from the girls.
Grandma Mary: High pressured stuff! Looks like AMC is out of the collapse and DT has caught up to RRR and Greg. And here comes the finish line!!
Grandma Mary: What a great race! I love a good race where we can see who won! Speaking of, Rival Recruiter Racing has started strong with their first fan belt! Great job!
Uncle: Great job to all our racers! As you know, CAR only announces the top three places and we had five teams this month.
Grandma Mary: Which makes it very lucky that there was a tie!!
Uncle: What! We can’t have a five way tie for first place.
Grandma Mary: Don’t be silly, the tie wasn’t in first place. That goes to Reedy Creek this month. The tie was for second place, which will be awarded to Team Wood and Rival Recruiter Racing.
Uncle: You realized this means RRR has the same number of points as first place, right?
Grandma Mary: This is just one way CAR is better than GUNS!
Uncle: Third places will be awarded to-
Grandma Mary: Death Trap! You did it, you earned a placement.
Uncle: And that’s the race folks! A great one today! Sorry for the late race start this month. We won’t have that problem next month because it will be an XHF event.
Grandma Mary: That’s right! I’m excited to announce two wrestling matches as a preamble to the Athletic Cup!
Uncle: The October Athletic Cup will be a speed boat race. More details will be available in the sign up notification later.
Grandma Mary: Additionally, the XHF will include a Swab the Deck match with NO WEAPONS and Pirate Ship Battle Match, where the only weapons available are water guns and pool noodles.
Uncle: We’re not giving them these water guns, are we?
Grandma Mary: Of course not, they don’t travel and I want to see someone get hit in the face with a wet pool noodle.
Uncle: Ah, my youth. Thank you everyone for a great month, I hope to see you next month.