.::The XHF Network Presents: End of Days! (PPV)::.
Oct 30, 2023 5:33:51 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, Kira Izumi, and 5 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 30, 2023 5:33:51 GMT -5
The XHF Network Proudly Presents: END OF DAYS 2023
Date: October 29, 2023
Golden 1 Center, Sacramento, CA
Attendance: 17,800
The future is looking bright for the XHF! We arrive on the golden banks of Sacramento to close out the End of Days season. The winner of the EOD tourney will challenge the X*Crown Champion, Cross Recoba. The tag team annihilator winners challenge the new tag champs, the Oblivion Death Squad. We see the Phoenix and Hardcore titles defended, and Dinosaur Bones sends EVERY representative to a huge multi-being fuster cluck of a match for the Junior Heavyweight title! A stripped down affair on the shore, we look to the future by allowing these stars who will carry these titles onward to show what they can do and why they represent the XHF!
Theme Song: Banks of Sacramento by Nathan Evans
The dulcet guitar chords of "Banks of Sacramento" by Nathan Evans begin to softly sing over the speakers of the Golden 1 Arena in said capital city. The scene fades to a black and white video played over the Xtremetron, and taking over the entire broadcast to those watching at home. We get a camera view of a man entering the fabled X*Crown vault in the XHF HQ in Minnesota. As the camera slowly scans the walls, the title belts in the photographs of the various X*Crown champions glow gold in the black and white video feed. The old school VHS tracking static gives the whole thing an art house feel. The camera continues around the vault, each of the dead federation titles also glows gold over the static, making them pop at the screen.
Sing and heave and heave and sing. To my hoodah, to my hoodah
Heave and make the hand-spikes spring. To my hoodah, hoodah-ho
It's blow, boys, blow. For California-oh
For there's plenty of gold, so I've been told
On the banks of Sacramento
The camera fades to a sepia toned video that looks like it's played on old parchment, complete with skips and cuts. The scene is a clipshow of old XHF matches from the pre-network days. Each short clip ends with someone having their hands raised by a referee and a gold glowing Phoenix title handed to them. A quick skip and we are now in the Ascension Wrestling Federation. We see faces like Neo James Carner, Greg Adkins, Aiden Merric, and others all hoisting the golden belt high as it alone exudes its true color.
Lime house Docks to Sydney Heads. To my hoodah, to my hoodah
Was never more than 70 days, To my hoodah, hoodah-ho
It's blow, boys, blow. For California-oh
For there's plenty of gold, so I've been told
On the banks of Sacramento
The feed now cuts to a more old school cathode ray tube TV PPV feel. The color is there but muted, the static is distracting but not obstructing. We see scenes of fighters bludgeoning each other to oblivion with various weaponry. We are treated to blood spray, devoid of the crimson hue we are used to, as light tubes, tables, chairs, and the like are all used to break the bodies and bones of other fighters. We see men like The Unknown, Slain, Hardcore Harry, and Shock all raise the golden full-color Hardcore Title high, faces marred by the crimson mask. We skip to a slightly higher quality feed and now the same golden glowing title is being held by Spike Kane, Jason Long, and Steve Awesome. Steve lowers his sunglasses as his eyes flash with that same golden color...
Around Cape Horn in the month of May. To my hoodah, to my hoodah
Around Cape Horn is a very long way To my hoodah, hoodah-ho.
It's blow, boys, blow, For California-oh
For there's plenty of gold, so I've been told
On the banks of Sacramento
We cut to what looks like security camera footage, complete with GUI elements, a red REC in the corner, but no color in the footage. We watch as we see a collection of wrestlers trying to climb a jungle of ladders. Finally a single man manages to get his hands on a glowing golden Junior Heavyweight title. As we fade from Nelly Angel and the cruiserfest: rise of the ladders, we cut to images of Slain, Platinum, and Venom all raising the title high. Finally we cut to more modern camera footage showing Lord Dominicus holding a bright golden belt in contrast to his vantablack visage. We cut to Bloodied Fox, Myojin, and finally El Rey and Zoran battling in the ring as the golden JHW belt glows behind them on the timekeeper's table...
We're the bullies for to kick her through To my hoodah, to my hoodah.
Roll down the hill with a hullabaloo. To my hoodah, hoodah-ho.
It's blow, boys, blow For California-oh
For there's plenty of gold, so I've been told
On the banks of Sacramento
We cut back to the X*Crown vault ... each of the pictures now seems to come alive. The image of Rat Bastard in its frame fades into an image of Ratty winning his tournament match and being handed 4 golden shining belts. The images of each champion begin to shift into video of them winning their title match and then celebrating in black and white with a bright auric title collection. Down the line, Mongo the Destroyer, Rage, Gravedigger. Destruction, Scorpion, Reeshi. The camera turns and we get the wall pictures of Death Trap, Rob Arnold, Dylan Black. Adrien Cochrane, Zoran Sainovic, Bloodied Fox, ... and Cross Recoba. The image of Cross zooms in on his face, his eyes flashing gold as he says, "Welcome to the End ... of Days ..."
Round the Horn and up the Line. To my hoodah, to my hoodah
We're the bullies for to make her shine. To my hoodah, hoodah-ho
It's blow, boys, blow, For California-oh
For there's plenty of gold, so I've been told
On the banks of Sacramento
As the song fades, we flash back into the Golden 1 Center and fly over the thousands of XHF Network fans here to witness the glut of gold here tonight on the banks of Sacramento. The camera changes to ringside and we approach the commentary desk, where we find our usual culprits; Randy Angel and Joey Hawke.
Hawke: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO SACRAMENTO!
Randy: The XHF Network proudly brings to you ... 2023's END OF DAYS!
The crowd goes nutso as they cheer and hold up signs.
Hawke: We have seven exciting matches for you tonight, with six of them for titles. The reports are true, tonight at least there is plenty of gold on the Banks of Sacramento!
Randy: And we are here with you for the long haul! We've got the best seats, we got our gallon jugs of super sake, and we have the best wrestling in the business! Let's kick this show off! Bonnie Jenkins! TAKE IT AWAY!
Bonnie Jenkins: The first match of the evening is brought to you by The Diamond Training Facility. It's scheduled for ONE FALL with the winner becoming the number one contender to the DTF CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Introducing first...
Thunder crashes before the song starts, the lights turning dim like torchlight. Andrej walks out as the singing starts; his footfalls timed perfectly to the drums.
Bonnie Jenkins: From a country that... to be honest, I'm not sure how to pronounce it... standing at five foot and nine inches and weighing in tonight at three hundred pounds... ANDREJ VON GRAPPLE!!!
He's smiling but gets more serious as he looks towards the ring. As he comes up, there is a group of fans cheering loudly, all making the same hand signal that Andrej does. He smiles a big smile, giving them thumbs up before high fiving a couple kids and tussling one of the kid's head of hair.
Hawke: Well, Randy, I see another drink is in hand so that much mean it's time to get this show kicked off and boy do we have a big, big match tonight from Jack Diamond's group over there at DTF.
Randy: *Holding his cup up in a toast* You have to love anyone who is DTF.
Hawke: The fans here certainly love Andrej Von Grapple, and how can you not? He exudes pure joy every time he is in an arena, or on shore as we are tonight.
As he makes his way to ringside, he looks into the ring as the camera pans around him and captures his thickly muscled form. He jumps up to the ring ropes, slipping into the ring between them before doing his Raven inspired hand gesture to honor his family and old country.
Randy: What exactly is that about?
Hawke: It's Andrej's way to honor his family, particularly his mother who he's very close with. The other way he honors them. Being a force to be reckoned with in the ring, and tonight that will be put to the test against the former XHF Phoenix Champion.
He moves to his corner, letting another smile crack across his face as he gets excited for the brawl that's about to begin.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent...
BEEEEEEEEEEEF
Rings out over the P.A. System followed by the sounds of “ATliens” by OutKast. As the song breaks in BEEF jumps out from behind the curtain landing with a thud that rings out throughout the arena.
Bonnie Jenkins: From Atlanta, Georgia, he stands at six feet, two inches and tips the scale at three hundred and twenty pounds... GUNs Bodyguard and former XHF Phoenix Champion.... BEEEEEEEEEEEF!!!
Hawke: Here he is, Randy. The man who is known worldwide but chooses to spend his time these days in Vegas, polishing up on a business that he absolutely loves!
Randy: I can think of many other things I'd rather do in Vegas than kiss up to Jack Diamond and sweat with a bunch of other rookies.
Hawke: It's about always getting better for BEEF. Sure, he's been in high profile matches since showing up in XHF even having success on the global level, but he knows there is an untapped potential that will not only make him scary, but scary good.
The big man poses for the crowd to rounds of “BEEEEEEF” before beginning his decent down the ramp. He doesn’t interact with the fans other than giving them a smile as he locks eyes with Andrej on his way down the ramp.
Hawke: This match is to see who becomes the number one contender for Brayden Duncan's DTF Championship. They met last month Diamond Mine Four and Andrej Von Grapple was able to get the win, but not without a bit of controversy. DTF referee, Sarah Sharp failed to see BEEF's foot under the ropes, awarding the victory to Andrej.
Randy: A victory is a victory.
Hawke: Well, Andrej didn't think so. He went to Jack Diamond and asked for this match.
Randy: He did what?
Once he's at next to the ring, he shows off his athleticism by leaping up into the ring apron. He surveys the ring before stepping through the ropes and posing for the crowd one more time in the center of the ring.
Hawke: Andrej wanted to make sure that if he's going to get a victory, he does it the right way and without question.
Randy: Let's see how far that gets him in the XHF. Even his trainer, Jack Diamond, is no stranger to sneaking out a win here and there.
Hawke: Both men are meeting in the middle of the ring, look at the intense stare from BEEF.
BEEF doesn't take his eyes off Andrej, and Andrej returns the gaze. BEEF nods his head slowly, before raising a fist. Andrej breaks his gaze and looks at BEEF's huge hand before breaking into a huge smile and fist bumping his opponent, as the two of them back to their corners.
Hawke: Great display of sportsmanship there, as BEEF offers a fist bump as most likely a thank you for the rematch. Andrej always excited to fight slaps at his shoulders in the corner, pumping himself up. Both men are ready, and the ref calls for the bell, here we go!
DTF CHAMPIONSHIP #1 CONTENDERSHIP
One Fall Match
BEEF vs. Andrej Von Grapple
DING! DING!
At the sound of the bell, both men march to the middle of the ring with intensity, having the same idea as they throw huge rights that land. They each shake off the blow. Andrej smiles and BEEF nods. They simultaneously reach out with their left hand, grabbing at the top of their opponent's head and unleash a flurry of rights. As the crowd is whipped into a frenzy, the referee has to step in and separate the two. BEEF throws his hands up and backs away as Andrej Von Grapple gives a hardy laugh and claps on his way back to his corner, excited by the match of intensity from BEEF.
Hawke: Bold move by the official there, stepping in between these two behemoths.
Randy: Very true. I'm just wondering why the two of them backed off. I say throw blows until one man is left standing. It makes no sense.
Hawke: Both of these men obviously love to fight but want to do so in within the rules.
Randy: Well, if you ask me, backing off here shows a line of weakness.
Hawke: Are you going to tell either of these men that?
Randy: ...
Hawke: I thought so. Both men regroup and look to approach things differently this time.
After a share of approving looks between both men, BEEF and Andrej step towards the center of the ring again. Both men trying to calculate the other's move, looking for leverage. Von Grapple wiggles his fingers, which gets the briefest glance from BEEF but it's enough to do the trick as Von Grapple quickly reaches in for a lock up. He pushes BEEF back but only inches as El Rey's best friend quickly adjusts and the two men jockey for position. It's BEEF who gets the advantage first, able to push Andrej towards the corner. He begins to throw left and right hooks to the body. Andrej absorbs the attack and grabs BEEF by the shoulders, displaying great strength to reverse the position, so that now BEEF was backed into the turnbuckles. Andrej goes for a corner lariat, but BEEF ducks under and immediately charges towards the ropes. He rebounds and looks to be going for a tackle, but Andrej stops him with a massive knee to the gut.
Hawke: Loading up, wait for it! BEEEEEEEE- OH!
Randy: Denied. That knee to the gut may have cracked a rib... or a T-bone...
Andrej grabs a side headlock and squeezes, eliciting a grunt from BEEF. BEEF tries to pick Andrej up for a back body drop but the Modern Day Berzerker leans his weight forward to block, squeezing harder on the sides of BEEF's neck in the process. BEEF shifts his own weight, planting his back leg and uses his powerful base to push out and send Andrej into the ropes. On the rebound, both men go for a shoulder block. Flesh smacks but neither budge, much to the delight of the crowd.
Randy: Did you hear that? That would have destroyed anyone else.
Hawke: Looks like we are going to see which immovable object moves first.
They look at each other and then both back into opposite sides of the ropes before taking off in a full sprint. They meet in the middle of the ring, both going for a big splash and again each absorbs the blow, coming to a dead stop. Andrej smiles and pats BEEF on the shoulder, who just snarls back.
Hawke: BEEF not really happy about that, but it looks like Andrej is only trying to compliment the big guy.
Randy: Or patronize him.
BEEF runs to the ropes again and comes back with a clothesline. The impact makes Andrej take a few steps back, but he doesn't go down. Andrej nods his head and decides it's his turn. He backs to the ropes and charges at BEEF, but BEEF has had enough of the game and runs directly at Andrej who tries a quick clothesline of his own, but BEEF is able to quickly run under his arm, rebound on the ropes and as Andrej stops and turns, he is met with all the BEEF he can handle in the form of a picture perfect Hurricanrana.
Randy: Holy-
"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
Randy: Yeah, what they said.
Hawke: A beautiful Hurricanrana and Andrej is impressed!
As BEEF pops back up, Andrej rolls over and up to a knee, looking around and listening to the crowd. While most in attendance has a look of shock on their face, Andrej is impressed. As he stands back up, BEEF immediately looks to close the gap and this time when they lock up, he quickly moves into a side headlock of his own. The ref leans in and checks to make sure it's a legal hold, which creates just enough distraction so that Andrej is able to spin out of the hold. BEEF however stays with it can grabs a front face lock.
Hawke: BEEF grabs a front face lock, possibly looking for a DDT or suplex here. Andrej driving forward...
Andrej wraps his arms around the waist of BEEF and does his best impersonation of an American football offensive linemen, driving BEEF towards the corner. BEEF's back hits the post with a thud that shakes the ring, and he releases the face lock. Andrej grabs on to the middle ropes on each side of BEEF and backs up before slamming his shoulder into BEEF's midsection. BEEF gasps for air but doesn't find it as Andrej sends another shoulder thrust into the gut. Andrej backs up a third time as the crowd anticipates a final blow, but BEEF is able to grab the top ropes and using them, lifts himself up as Andrej thrusts forward, catching him with a knee to the face. Still crouched over, Andrej is shocked. BEEF lands back down on his feet and quickly assess the scene and starts driving elbows down across Andrej's back.
Randy: TENDERIZED BEEF-
Hawke: No, Andrej gets out of there! Smart decision!
Randy: Yeah, your night can go from decent to ER in a hurry with those elbows strikes. Speaking of tenderized beef, have you ever marinated your steaks in beer? I like to use a little combo beer and bourbon, for the marinade too!
Hawke: Let's focus on the action...Andrej charges!
Andrej, who had pushed off of BEEF to find separation from the driving elbows, hopes to catch his opponent by surprise, running towards the corner for a splash. BEEF sidesteps, and Andrej shakes the ring this time. Now BEEF wants to send a message, as he throws his own shoulder thrust into Andrej's stomach, doubling him over. He chooses not to match Andrej's count, as he stands, and raises Andrej's head, standing him up. BEEF raises a huge arm and chops down across Andrej's chest, the slap echoing.
"WOOOO!"
BEEF takes a couple steps back, but immediately lunges in for a corner lariat, stunning Andrej enough for BEEF to flips him to the ground on his back. Before Andrej has a chance to recover, BEEF is in the corner, and hops up to the middle turnbuckle, grabs the top ropes and leaps back, pushing off to land on Andrej with a huge splash from the second rope. The ref slides over to make a count.
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Hawke: Near-fall by BEEF after that thunderous splash.
Randy: How can anybody kick out from that?
Hawke: Well Randy, we've established that Andrej isn't your normal person. I hear the man bench presses tree trunks.
BEEF gets to his feet and bends over, lifting Andrej off the mat. Andrej gets to a knee and throws a shot to BEEF's side, slowing him. BEEF presses on and pulls Andrej up to his feet and whips him to the ropes and on the rebound pops Andrej up and slams him down into a powerbomb. The crowd explodes into cheers as BEEF hooks a leg.
ONE!
TWO!
THR-KICKOUT!
Randy: How?!
BEEF looks at the ref, who confirms it was only a two count. BEEF drops his head for a moment in disappointment, but quickly snaps out of it and stands up, pulling Andrej up with him. He shoots Andrej to the ropes, but Andrej reverses, sending BEEF into them. As Andrej runs in, BEEF smartly drops, pulling the top rope down with him, sending Andrej tumbling over the ropes, bouncing hard off the apron and lading with a thump to the outside of the ring, and rolling over coming to a stop as he hits the barricade.
Randy: Lookout!
Hawke: Andrej Von Grapple is sprawled out down at ringside. The crowd is enjoying what they are seeing so far, Randy.
Randy: At the same time, they have to be thanking the crew who set those barricades up or he may have been in their laps!
BEEF uses the time to walk around the ring and catch his breath as the ref begins the count. Andrej pulls himself up to a knee, facing the crowd, trying to figure out what happened.
ONE!
BEEF stretches his neck side-to-side, and moves his arm and shoulder in circles, the battle already creating a strain on his body.
TWO!
Andrej starts to pull himself up on the barricade, his eyes still a bit glassy, having taken a bump to his head amidst the tumble.
THREE!
Hawke: I think someone may need to check on Andrej here, he may have hit his head. He's not looking all there.
Randy: Are you sure it's not just... his look?
FOUR!
BEEF sees Andrej gets to his feet and looks around the arena as the crowd starts stirring.
FIVE!
Hawke: He's not going to...
Randy: HE IS!
Hawke: WATCH OUT!
BEEF hits the ropes furthest away from where Andrej is, and sprints. Just as Andrej backs up away from the guardrail and turns towards the ring, BEEF comes diving through the middle and top rope, crashing into him and driving him back into the barricade, causing several fans to drop their drinks.
"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
Hawke: Suicide Dive!
Randy: And all that glorious elixir splashes to the floor! Poor fans!
Hawke: Poor fans? Poor Andrej! He just got hit with an anvil!
ONE!
The ref walks to the ropes and checks the carnage below, before restarting the count. BEEF rolls over onto his side as Andrej looks completely out of it.
TWO!
BEEF slides and crawls towards to the ring, and reaches a meaty paw up, grabbing onto the ring skirt and pulling himself up to a knee.
THREE!
Hawke: I think if BEEF can pull himself into the ring, this one is over.
Randy: Yeah, you can count to a hundred, Andrej is not getting up. I've had that same look many of late-night parties.
FOUR!
BEEF is able to pull himself back up onto his feet, bending over with his hands on the ring apron, having taken a big impact from the dive as well. He turns to look at his downed opponent. And then at the ref in the ring.
FIVE!
Randy: What is he doing?
SIX!
BEEF bends down and tries to lift Andrej up, but it's all dead weight. He strains and actually begins to drag him towards the ring!
Hawke: BEEF isn't wanting to win this match by count out, you have to respect that. He knows that the first match between these two left a lot of doubts in the fans, and he wants this to be decisive! You have to respect that!
Randy: I guess. Respect doesn't always pay off though.
SEVEN!
BEEF now has Andrej beside the ring, but he's still out. BEEF again strains and begins to essentially deadlift the three hundred pounds.
EIGHT!
He gets Andrej up, propped against the apron and pushes him into the ring, against having to lift all of the weight.
Hawke: He's got Andrej back in the ring, if he doesn't hurry, he's at risk to being counted out now!
Randy: It would serve him right, the quest for honor can be heartbreaking at times!
NINE!
BEEF, completely gassed, climbs up and rolls under the bottom ropes, breaking the count just in time. He uses his body weight to push Andrej away from the ropes and falls over his chest as the referee drops down to make the count.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-SHOULDER UP!
Randy: Wow, that was close!
Hawke: Yeah, but you have to think just how taxing that was for BEEF. He not only had to lift Andrej up and over to the ring, but he also lifted him into the ring, pushed him away from the ropes. He not only spent a lot of time but a lot of energy, and just didn't have enough to hook the leg fully. The result? Near fall.
Randy: BEEF is struggling now too...
BEEF can barely push himself up to a knee, the sweat dripping off the big man. Andrej on the other hand is already using the ropes to pull himself back up.
Hawke: Possibly a little playing opossum there by Andrej. I think he leaned into the "being out" narrative to get BEEF to exert all the energy. Despite taking the brunt of that suicide dive, he looks like the fresher fighter here, and he's back to his feet!
Andrej finishes pulling himself up by the top rope, and notices BEEF slowly pushing himself up to a stand. He wastes no time, spinning and absolutely wrecking BEEF with a clothesline! BEEF crashes to the mat, and Andrej falls with him.
Randy: OH MY-
Hawke: HAMMER SWING! Andrej falls to the mat and is in position!
Randy: It's over! New number one contend-wait...
Hawke: Oh no!
Andrej is getting ready to make the cover and looks towards the ropes. He notices that BEEF's legs are just under the bottom rope. He crawls over and grabs at BEEF's knee, trying to pull him over and away from the ropes. It takes him a moment, but he finally gets him and rolls over, his back lying on BEEF's chest! The ref slides in.
Hawke: The cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-SHOULDER UP!!!
Hawke: And BEEF is able to get the shoulder up just in time!
Randy: Andrej wasted too much time there, I don't even think the ref noticed the foot under the ropes!
Hawke: Yeah, but he had too, Randy. The last thing Andrej wanted to do was to have another questionable win. It's admirable.
Randy: Again, honor doesn't always lead to victory.
Andrej looks upset for a moment, but he looks around and sees the crowd on their feet, cheering. He feeds off of their reaction, feeling better about doing the right thing. He pulls himself up and collects himself as the crowd gets louder.
"THIS IS AWESOME!"
Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap.
"THIS IS AWESOME!"
Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap.
Instead of feeling sorry for himself, Andrej decided to up the pressure, almost going into a euphoric trance. He stalks over towards BEEF who has started to crawl towards the ropes and Andrej lands a big kick to the side of BEEF's leg. BEEF rolls over on his back to try and avoid another kick while also reaching down to his thigh. Andrej steps over and drops to a knee on BEEF's knee!
Hawke: Cerebral showing from Von Grapple. That could have easily broken a patella or torn an ACL, MCL, PCL...
Randy: We get it, all the CLs. The point is, that couldn't have felt good, and BEEF is in pain!
Hawke: These two are more than likely near equal when it comes to strength. If BEEF has an advantage, it's in his quickness and athleticism, and Andrej is quickly taking that advantage away! He stays on the attack.
Andrej reaches down and begins to lift BEEF up off the mat. BEEF is favoring his leg, hardly able to put any weight on it. In one swift motion, Andrej picks BEEF up and lifts him on his shoulder!
Hawke: Look at the raw display of power!
Randy: Trees, Joey... Trees! You said it yourself; the man isn't normal!
Hawke: BEEF is trying to get out of it, but he can't even use that knee at the moment to kick off the shoulder. Andrej moves to the center of the ring! OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE!
The ring shakes as the air comes out of BEEF and the audience. Andrej is able to land on BEEF after the huge slam and the ref makes the count!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-KICKOUT!
Hawke: He kicked out!
Randy: That is... This is just ridiculous!
Hawke: Well, BEEF isn't normal either... one can't gloss over that.
The frustration washes back over Andrej's face again but it's more of a determined frustration. Welcoming the challenge, he gets back up and raises his arm in the air, playing to the crowd. He pats the inside of his bicep as he stands over BEEF, waiting for him to stand.
Hawke: Andrej knows he has BEEF right where he wants him and is looking to end it here.
Randy: Looks like he is loading up for the Hammer Swing again!
Hawke: That discus clothesline almost ended the match a big ago, and this time BEEF is attempting to get to his feet in the center of the ring. If Andrej connects on this one, it's over!
Andrej circles his prey, making sure to stay out of BEEF's eyesight just as he starts to push himself up to one knee. Then shifting all his weight over to his good leg, BEEF finally pushes himself up to his feet. As he puts the other leg down, he tests it and almost loses balance because of the pain in his knee. He steadies himself and turns, but Andrej is already spinning!
Hawke: HAMMER SW-No! BEEF ducks it!
BEEF sees the clothesline just in time and runs over it, hobbling to the ropes as quick as he can. He sloppily rebounds but it's enough to give him the momentum and he crashes into Andrej with the force of a Mack truck. The impact lifts Andrej up and he hits the canvas with a thud.
Randy: BEEEEEEEEEEEF!
Hawke: With a tackle like that, you have to think those Diamond Mine shows may start drawing the attention of Mark Davis! Both men are down absolutely spent!
Randy: It may end up being a last man standing type of match when it's all said and done.
During the impact, BEEF plants his foot and his knee buckles, and he hits the mat as well. He lies there, his chest moving up and down heavily as he slaps at his leg in frustration, a grimace on his face. Andrej is dazed, staring at the stars. The ref checks on both men before beginning a double count.
ONE!
BEEF turns over and reaches for the ropes. The fans have all stood to their feet clapping, stomping, anything they can do to motivate the two men to push forward.
TWO!
The Georgia giant beings to pull himself up as Andrej still blinks his eyes in the middle of the ring, trying to get rid of the stars. He moves his feet, making sure he still has control of his extremities.
THREE!
BEEF gets back to his feet, albeit a little wobbly. He looks over his shoulder to Andrej who is beginning to roll over.
Hawke: BEEF is back to his feet, and it appears Andrej will join him. What do you have to do to keep either of these men down?
Randy: Well, not be in the ring with them in the first place. Offer them a drink and call it a truce?
Hawke: I don't think that's happening tonight. These men love to fight and want to prove that each of them is the best.
FOUR!
BEEF steps over to Andrej who has made it to all fours.
FIVE!
BEEF reaches down and pulls his opponent up just as the ref makes it to the count of six. He whips Andrej into the corner and follows. BEEF delivers a right body hook. Then a left. Right. Left. The speed and precision of the punches ramp up as Andrej is struggling. BEEF turns and hits a back elbow that whips Andrej's head back. BEEF hops out of the corner before turning and charging back in for a big splash, but nobody is home and BEEF takes the top turnbuckle right to his sternum. Andrej gingerly moves towards him, having difficulty breathing after the rib shots, and grabs BEEF's shoulders. He leans back, putting every pound of his bodyweight and strength into a heavy headbutt that downs BEEF. Andrej holds his head, laughing almost hysterically, but a hardy laugh that those in the first few rows can't help to smile about.
Hawke: Nordic Greeting! He just leveled him with that headbutt.
Randy: If that's how the Norse greet you, I'll pass.
Hawke: Andrej hooks the leg! ONE! TWO! TH-NO! BEEF KICKED OUT! And look at him, he's still laughing!
Andrej, instead of frustration or anger, laughs louder at the near fall. He pulls himself off the mat and walks around the ring a minute, clapping his big hands. The proud look on his face shows just how much he enjoys being locked in such a close battle with a formidable opponent. Andrej crouches a bit, waiting for BEEF who is slowly pulling himself up. When BEEF stands, Andrej quickly moves in and wraps his arms around BEEF's big body! He squeezes so hard he becomes a shade rosier.
Hawke: There's the bearhug, the Asbjom's Wrath! There are many people that would have to immediately tap out to the hold or risk permanent internal damage, and few cracked ribs, maybe worse. But locking it on someone of BEEF's stature... does he have enough to get the submission?
Randy: Does my car have an IID?
Hawke: I... what?
BEEF fights the bearhug, trying to wedge his massive arms between his sides and Andrej's arms. He is almost able to create space but Andrej yells out, squeezing the hold even harder. BEEF is losing some of his strength as he continues pushing his arms down.
Hawke: Anyways, BEEF is starting to slow. We know from watching him the last six years that he relies on his deceptive quickness and speed and his power. The problem we are seeing tonight is the power has been matched by Andrej. Couple that with some of the big blows he's absorbed, the work on the knee earlier in the match, and that same quickness that is usually an asset, and you have a recipe for absolutely draining your stamina reserves. I think BEEF just has very little left in the tank here and is fading quickly.
Andrej continues restricting the airflow to BEEF's lungs. BEEF looks like he is about out but fires up again and tries to break the hold but realizes he's exerting too much energy. He gets his hands up to Andrej's shoulder to give him some leverage to cock his head back, before unloading a huge headbutt directly into the bridge of Andrej's nose. Blood sprays as Andrej breaks the hold, reaching for his nose while doubling over.
Hawke: Oh! A huge headbutt from BEEF this time! That's one way to break a hold!
Randy: Annnnnd we have blood...
BEEF, seeing stars from the headbutt, shakes it off and sees Andrej bent over holding his nose, his hands covered in the warm crimson paint. He proceeds to unload elbow after elbow down onto Andrej. The ref steps over to check on Andrej which prompts BEEF to back off.
Hawke: Back to Tenderized BEEF! Andrej is in a world of trouble here and the ref may stop the match! BEEF backs off.
Randy: No, finish the-
He doesn't back off for long, seeing the red, he bullishly spins and fires a powerful elbow towards Andrej's face.
Hawke: BEEFbo!
Randy: No! Caught!
The ref jumps out of the way and Andrej looks up thanks to that reaction, is able to catch the incoming arm of BEEF, and begins to wrench the forearm and elbow in an awkward direction, bringing BEEF down to his knees, trying to turn and twist his body in the process to take the pressure of his joints. He tries to use brute strength to pull his arm away, but Andrej is able to steady himself and control BEEF down further to the mat. BEEF yells out in part for motivation, and also because of the shooting pain in his arm from wrist to shoulder. He stretches out and just before his face touches the mat, Andrej unloads a huge, hammering blow to the back of BEEF head. His head bounces on the canvas with a sickening thump.
Hawke: ASGEIR DEVASTATION!
Randy: *spits out his drink and starts coughing* What the fu-
Hawke: Stop the match! We may need a docto- I... I can't believe it; BEEF is still moving. Randy, he's trying to push himself up! What is BEEF made up!
Randy: Is that a trick question? Cow?
Astonishingly, and to the delight of the crowd, BEEF quickly pushes himself up to his knees and starts to stand, but it doesn't take much to realize he's only doing so on autopilot. His eyes are glossed over, a million miles away. Andrej, no longer laughing, looks laser focused as he steps over behind BEEF and grapples him, draping BEEFs arm around his neck.
Hawke: You're ridiculous. Andrej stalks over. Looks to be going for a side supl-NO he flips him...
Andrej lifts BEEF up before impressively flipping him over with more ease than anyone should flip a three hundred and twenty pounder over, before spiking BEEF down on his head. The sudden stop leaves BEEF's body sticking straight in the air for a brief second before falling over.
"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
Hawke: CABER TOSS!!!
Randy: Timberrrrrrrr
Hawke: Andrej hits the Caber Toss and BEEF is out! Can he get there to make the cover?
Andrej lays there breathing heavily, having exhausted all of his strength to turn BEEF there and drop him. He rolls over and looks at his opponent, eyes wide. The notorious Norse crawls over before collapsing and draping his arm over the heaving chest of BEEF.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
The refs hand hits the mat for a third and final time, followed seconds later by the faintest kick of a leg from BEEF.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: He's done it! It's over!
Randy: Did you see BEEF react even as the ref was making the final count?
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of the match, and NEWWWW NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE DTF CHAMPIONSHIP!!! ANDREJ VONNNN GRAPPPLLLE!!!!
Hawke: You're right, I'm seeing that on my monitor now. Even on dream street, BEEF had the wherewithal to attempt a kickout, even if it was a weak one that was slightly late. But there he is, Randy, the new DTF number one contender... Andrej Von Grapple.
Andrej has his hand raised and he is all smiles, but the exhaustion covers his face. As sweat beads rapidly, he makes it to his feet and holds up an arm to the crowd who are cheering loudly for him. Andrej turns his attention to his fallen foe and walks over to him.
Randy: That may have been impressive, but didn't he already lose to the champion before? Oh no, here we go, he's going to finish off the big man and send him back to Atlanta permanently...
Hawke: Yes, he did lose to Brayden Duncan but since then he's looked nearly unstoppable. And... that's not Von Grapples character.
Andrej reaches down and grabs BEEF, helping him get to his feet. BEEF stumbles but Andrej holds out a big arm and steadies him. Once BEEF is able to blink a few times and open his eyes, he looks at Andrej and then down at the big hand extended in front of him. BEEF reaches out and grabs the hand, giving it an approving shake as the crowd explodes into cheers. BEEF shakily steps to the side and raises Andrej's arm to the crowd. As he lets go, he claps and exits the ring, allowing Andrej to continue celebrating happily.
Randy: Well, that was anti-climactic...
Hawke: It's two amazing athletes, Randy, with nothing but the upmost respect for each other and each of them left it all in the ring tonight. Andrej got the best of BEEF tonight, but you could run this match back over and over and never predict which of these two mountains would stand tall at the end of the night. What a great way to kick of this year's End of Days! And that was only to GET a title match, we still are loaded tonight with actual title matches! What a time to be a fan of the XHF Network!
The camera pans around the rig where a dozen barrels have been set up around ringside, with an equal number of officials monitoring them.
Randy: What am I looking at?
Hawke: End of Days may take place at the end of October, but XHF officials have done their best to distance the tournament from the Halloween season. Still a few trappings find a way to seep through, like the classic we're seeing here, Randy. A Bobbing for Apples Death Match...
Randy: Sounds like something Kira would come up with.
Hawke: Actually it originated in a former affiliate that we really don't talk about anymore. I was surprised to see it mentioned, but then, you give Florida Man a blank contract ad these things happen-
Randy: What fool did that?
Hawke: Florida Man won the Seven Sea Skirmish at Marty and Tinto's Birthday Bash. It entitled him to an HKW title shot of his choice. Then at the HKW/J-RoK joint show, the Man from Florida showed why his home federation should REALLY be using him more often - winning the HKW California Title. Later in the program, J-RoK evened the score when Kilroy Evans captured the YTA championship from Kira Izumi. Now, Florida Man was the longest reigning YTA champion and considered it a great insult to have a rival federation hold HIS title... so on CAR's EoD week, Flo DEMANDED that Marty Donovan let him use his SSS shot to go after Kilroy...
Randy: And Marty accepted? The Fool!
Hawke: With Florida Man filling out the paperwork, we have a singles title that looks to be defended in a tag match.... with the same man on both teams.
Randy: Of course he is- when will Marty learn?
Hawke: Marty has so many successful tag teams, and so much bad karma, I feel like we can see this happen to him another ten times before it gets old. Let's send it over to Bonnie to kick his misery off!
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is an interpromotional tag match featuring stars from Hardkore World, for the J-RoK YTA Championship! AND IS A BOBBING FOR APPLES DEATH MATCH! BARRELS FILLED WITH WATER AND APPLES HAVE BEEN PLACED AROUND THE RING... BUT THEY ALSO INCLUDE VARIOUS WEAPONS. ANYTHING FOUND IN A BARREL IS LEGAL TO USE... PROVIDED YOU RETRIEVE THE CONTENTS WITH YOUR MOUTHS...
The officials hold up loose ropes used to bind wrists when wrestlers wish to dip into the barrel.
Randy: Is it worth almost drowning for a folding chair?
Hawke: I doubt there are folding chairs in the barrels.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first - FLORIDA MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gimme Some Lovin' by The Spencer Davis Group pumps over the PA system, as Florida Man crashes through the entranceway with his mobility scooter! Entrance curtain getting caught on a wheel, that shit gets pulled down causing fabulous guest stars to loitering around the back to scatter like roaches. Playing Freebird on an airhorn, the Man from Florida doesn't think the audience appreciates his Zepplin cover as much as they should, so starts popping wheelies on his scooter to really work them into a frenzy. Suddenly an elderly man who can barely stand is helped in by security. Maybe it wasn't Walmart's mobility scooter that Florida stole? Fleeing security, the gator faced luchador slaps hand as he quickly makes his way to the ring. Once the bell rings, he can't be arrested until the match is over.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his partner-
"Oh no you don't!"
Not waiting for his entrance music, Marty Donovan stomps down the aisle. Always excited to see his friend, Florida Man runs back up the aisle to meet him.
Florida Man: Word up, Marty!
Marty Donovan: What the hell, Flo! This was supposed to be a singles match-
Florida Man: Exactly Marty, Kilroy will never know what hit him-
Bonnie Jenkins: The Epcot Mafia!
Marty Donovan (yelling back to Bonnie): No it isn't! (to camera) I'm going home-
Disney's Own waves off Florida Man, and starts marching up the aisle to leave-
"What the hell, Marty!"
Stomping out of the back, YTA champion Kilroy Evans charges down the aisle to confront his tag partner.
Kilroy Evans: I thought you'd changed. Turned over a new leaf, and you do me like this?
Marty Donovan: I'm not doing anyone!
Kilroy leans in and places a hand on Marty's shoulder.
Kilroy Evans: C'mon, this seems really important to him. Just be a team player!
Marty Donovan: Which team?!
Kilroy shrugs while Marty fumes.
Suddenly Lil' Corny runs out from the back.
Tinto: That stealer of kisses can only mean- THE MISCHIEF EXPRESS!
Having announced his charges, the little boy trips on curtain that's been pulled down by the mobility scooter, ad face plants at the entranceway.
Florida Man: Marty you sell out!
Marty Donovan: Oh no, you two work this out yourselves. I have a very clear contract stipulation when it comes to getting involved in anything J-RoK related - don't.
Kilroy Evans: That's fair.
Kilroy steps to the side to let Marty leave-
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Randy: What's that sound?
Hawke: ...Florida Man has retrieved a chainsaw from one of the barrels.
JROK YTA CHAMPIONSHIP TAG TEAM MATCH
Bobbing for Apples Deathmatch
Epcot Mafia vs. Mischief Express
DING! DING! DING!
Florida Man (thumbs up): Way to distract him, Marty!
Marty Donovan: Damn it-
Before Marty can explain that he isn't helping Florida Man get a chainsaw - because no one in their right mind would - Kilroy punches his partner.
Marty Donovan: Don't hit me, hit Florida Man!
Kilroy Evans: He looks kinda busy! Come here!
Evans would follow-up with more of an ass kicking, but immediately has to side step a chainsaw swing. Sparks fly off the guardrail as Evans sidetracks another swing. More sparks as Evans rolls under a chainsaw thrust. A few fans that think the blades are gimmicked try to move in for selfies, only to QUICKLY change their minds when the blade gets too close.
Hawke: I always think of Kilroy as more of a everything and the kitchen sink throwing tough guy, but this is some damn impressive counter wrestling...
Randy: Trying to not get maimed can make a guy get technical pretty fast...
After another dozen close shaves going up and down the aisle, Florida Man manages to dislodge one of the guardrails. Kilroy picks up the guardrail, ready to swing it like a really awkward bat - but an official stops him.
Hawke: Only objects picked out of the barrels are legal to use.
Kilroy isn't able to follow through the swing, but does get the guardrail up as a shield, and not a second two late - as FML goes for a decapitation. Metal on metal shoots a stream of sparks up into the air. Leaning into the chainsaw, Florida is able to get Kilroy down to a knee - redirecting the sparks so that Evans disappears into them. Taking advantage of the one sided weaponry, Flo stands on the guardrail, forcing Kilroy down to the concrete, then standing further on it. Just when it looks like the XHF is going to broadcast its first snuff video, Marty Donovan pulls the chainsaw out of Florida Man's hands.
Florida Man: Marty, if you wanted to be the one to turn him into delicious cat food - ya just had to ask.
Marty Donovan (tossing chainsaw to the ground): NO ONE is going to CHAINSAW anyone else!
Kilroy Evans: Aw man!
Florida Man: So you're taking his side!
While the Epcot Mafia exchange words, Kilroy Evans heads over to the barrels to find an implement of murder of his own.
Marty Donovan: There is no SIDES. I'm on the side of no chainsaws in wrestling matches. Without chainsaws, I'm sure you and Kilroy could have a very entertaining match. In fact, I encourage you two to have one... without me. I need to prepare to beat Recoba for the HKW World Title, so I don't have time for YET ANOTHER tag match that is actually a three way dance. I like you both. So I am leaving. After I'm gone feel free to use chainsaws again. I don't care!
Florida Man: ...........Traitor!
Rather than let Marty leave, Florida Man tries to strangle him. It isn't long before the two are rolling around, fighting over a headlock like a couple of kids. You wouldn't be surprised if the eventual winner gave the loser a noogie, as is their way. While the school yard brawl rages, Kilroy Evans is desperately searching through one of the barrels for a weapon. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple... Kilroy's jaw is starting to get sore.
Kilroy Evans (spitting out apple): Is there anything in this barrel other than apples?
Referee Jammin' Jimmie Jameson: ....no clue.
Referee Bombastic Bruce Bombinger (other side of the ring): Tell him to stop putting the apples back in the bin.
Referee Jammin' Jimmie Jameson: If you're putting the apples back in, you might be cycling through the same ones.
Kilroy Evans: Do you see the orchard at my feet? I'm CLEARLY not putting the damn things back!
Kilroy bobs back in. A few feet from his orchid, the Epcot Mafia have finally rolled out of the aisle and into the ringside area. Spinning Florida Man's mask around so he can't see, Marty takes control of the headlock and starts fight back up to his feet. Trying to free himself, FML starts to lift Marty up for a belly-to-back suppler, but Disney's Own puts the breaks on. Florida tries it again, but again Marty plants his feet. A half dozen other tries - at a certain point it becomes clear that Florida Man is just straighten his mask, and the concrete floor suplex attempts are just a by product. When Florida Man turns his mask back around, the first thing he sees Kilroy Evans valiantly emerge from a barrel - and producing.... an apple.
Kilroy Evans: If only he was a doctor!
Florida Man: Tie me up, while Kilroy has lunch? Marty you monster!
Kilroy Evans (steaming): Help yourself!
A furious Evans whips the apple at Florida Man's head, catching him in the nose. Not a second later the mask is shooting out blood from the fake snout like a fire hose. A hush falls over the crowd for the brutal injury...
Randy: DAMN, those apples are killer!
Kilroy Evans: How do you like THEM apples?!
Realizing the error of his judgemental ways, Kilroy drops to the ground, collecting his discarded fruit based arsenal. Marty continues to hang on for dear life, as FML bleeds all over him.
Marty Donovan: Aw my boots. Well I hope you two are happy, now I won't be able to use my Li Shang outfit for Hardkore Halloween!
Kilroy tries to whip another apple at Florida Man,only for the gator to "accidentally" pull Marty in front of it as a shield. The apple catches Marty in the stomach, causing him to cough up a comedic amount of blood, he was gut punched by Mike Tyson. As Kilroy warms up to become a better pitcher, Florida Man continues to use Marty as a shield from his headlocked position - while the audience behind them, also seem to be using both men as a shield.
Hawke: CURVE BALL! That somehow managed to hit both of them.
The Epcot Mafia are weak in the knees, but it is at this moment that Florida Man finally hits his belly-to-back suplex on the concrete floor. Finally free, the raging gator tosses an unconscious Marty head first into one of the barrels.
Florida Man: Find me a watermelon or something, pal.
As the water didn't revive him, Marty seems a little too out of it to help. He may be concussed by that apple shot. Florida Man then charges at Kilroy Evans, who whips killer apples his way with slider after slider. Each fruit shot leaves a massive weld, but Florida Man fights through the blinding pain to catch Kilroy with a running hip attack.
Hawke: Having run out of apples without bobbing again, Evans and Man are now brawling around the ring. This is closer to the tempo we were all expecting by these experienced maniacs.
Randy: Oh, and Marty finally woke up instead of drowning - coughing up a lot of water, but it could have been worse.
Hawke: Kilroy goes for the SHAKE HANDS WITH DANGER... now following it up - spinebuster into the steel steps! That is going to leave a mark. A second spinebuster knocks the steps loose.
Finding the blood shooting out of Florida Man's snout to be distracting, Kilroy ties it off... then hits a double arm DDT on the concrete floor. Leaving his challenger in a pile, Evans heads over to patch thing up with Marty.
Kilroy Evans: Look, I'm not going to be able to settle things with him in a tag match, we might as well end this.
Marty Donovan (still coughing up water): About time! Welcome to my world.
Kilroy Evans: Okay, so climb into the ring, I'll pin you and we can blow this place.
Marty Donovan: Why can't I pin you?
Kilroy Evans: If you pin me, HE wins. If I pin you, WE win.
Marty Donovan: I have a big title match in a few days, I need to look strong for it!
Kilroy Evans: I don't think this match is making any of us look good. Alright, regular fight it is, then!
Marty Donovan: I'm just gonna start punching you.
Kilroy Evans: That's the spirit!
At an impasse, The Mischief Express EXPLODES!
Hawke: Marty and Kilroy at one another's throats! Throwing incredibly stiff shots at one another-
While the Mischief's are busy EXPLODING, Florida Man is bobbing for apples... and pulls out a musket. Just what the doctor ordered! Florida Man promptly uses the musket to shoot that YTA stealing Kilroy's brains out! At least he would, if the gun powder wasn't damp. Having fresh gun powder on him, because technically the bullet would still be legal, Florida Man starts cleaning and preparing his musket while an oblivious Kilroy and Marty put on a Kilroy and Marty classic on the other side of the ring. The audience are trying to get the Mischief Expresses' attention to point out that Florida Man is doing something stupid and dangerous, but his opponents are too bust kicking out of one another's finishers. They aren't even in the ring, no three counts, they are just kicking out to be dickish.
Florida Man: Got it!
As Florida Man takes aim at Kilroy, Evans looks like a deer in the headlights.
Kilroy Evans: Why does he get all the decent plunder?
Florida Man lights the lock... these things sure take awhile to fire.
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Before Florida Man can kill again, Kilroy and Marty start to run around the ring. They are getting closer. What are they running from? Oh no!
Hawke: Florida Man joining the Mischief Express in running away - the musket fires off harmlessly into the cheap seats.
Randy: What are the running- ugh.
Tinto has gotten his hands on the chainsaw, unfortunately he doesn't have the upper body strength to hold a chainsaw, so now he's being dragged around the ring by it in circles. The three wrestlers run a few feet ahead of the blade, trying not to lose an ankle.
Marty Donovan: WHY?
Tinto: DOOM!
The active participants look like ghosts to Lil' Corny's Pac-Man.
Florida Man: Just let go!
Tinto: I'm helping!
The three men leap up on the time keeper's table to avoid being maimed. Tinto keeps circling. In relative safety off the floor, the trio go back to their weird tag politics brawling. Is it the Mischief Express versus Florida Man, or the Epcot Mafia versus Kilroy Evans? It is hard to say, except eventually the brawling gets so confused that Kilroy and Florida hit Marty with a double closeline that knocks him off the table!
Randy: Did those two bitter rivals just become the Mischief Mafia?
Hawke: For Marty's sake I hope not-
Realizing they've gotten confused and thrown their beloved tag partner to the dangerous children, Kilroy and Florida for together once more to pull Marty off the floor before he's accidentally impaled by Tinto. Those of you playing "Tinto Eventually Kills Marty" BINGO, can count it as working for the attempt. Pleased with themselves, Florida Man and Kilroy Evans shake hands - then remembering how much they hate each other, both get knocked off the time keeper's table with duelling lariats. Collapsing on the floor, they are in Tinto's oncoming path.
Randy: This is going to be messy-
Hawke: No time, Marty can only save one of them. WHICH ONE IS IT GOING TO BE?
Before Marty can commit to either friendship, the chainsaw runs out of gasoline. Tinto is left feeling very dizzy.
Tinto: I think I'm going to be sick-
Rising to his feet, Florida Man dunks the small child into an apple barrel, leaving him to drown.
Kilroy Evans: That does it!
Reaching into a barrel with his hand, Kilroy pulls out a speargun. Before he can use it, it's snatched away by Jammin' Jimmie.
Referee Jammin' Jimmie Jameson: You can only use your mouth-
Cursing this horrible stipulation, Kilroy bobs back in for.... another apple.
Hawke: It does seem a little weird that Florida Man is getting lethal objects, while Kilroy can only produce apples.
Randy: Florida Man dumped all his points into the luck stat.
Hawke: That actually explains a lot.
Pushing past Florida Man, Marty Donovan reaches into the far barrel to fish a growling Tinto out. Tinto hands Marty a hand grenade.
Tinto: Here you go Mister Marty!
Referee Slappin' Sal Mon (confiscating the hand grenade): No hands.
Marty Donovan: Better luck next time-
Before Marty can hoist Tinto completely out, Florida Man recognizes that the Marty Donovan that works with Lil' Corny is the evil mirror universe Marty, and on the opposite side. Kicking this slumming it doppelgänger of his best friend in the nuts, Florida Man then grabs Marty's legs - dumping Disney's Own headfirst into the barrel.
Randy: Marty is drowning again.
An apple catches Florida Man in the broken snout, causing it to bleed again. Marty is trying to get out of the barrel, but Florida Man pins him down, trying to protect both of them from the barrage of apples that Kilroy is throwing the Epcot Mafia's way. Tinto doesn't help Marty's escape, using the flailing legs to climb out himself.
Hawke: Marty Donovan is stuck halfway down a barrel full of god knows what kind of plunder, and Tinto is climbing on him like a raft.
Randy: That is not a good situation.
Tinto has ninja stars in his mouth.
Florida Man (taking stars): Hells yeah.
Tinto (sticking tongue out at referee): Those were for Mister Marty.
In between ducking apples, Florida Man starts tossing ninja stars at Kilroy. The trick is in the wrist, fortunately Florida Man doesn't know that trick, so only lightly cuts the fans standing behind Evans - no murder. Marty's legs aren't kicking as strongly.
Hawke: They seem to be out of things to throw at one another, so are both moving onto other barrels! Florida Man bobbing in picks up... a cattle prod!
Randy: Not to be outdone... Kilroy going deep for... it's an apple!
Kilroy throws the apple at Florida Man, only to have it explode when the volts from prod connect. Since the device, and Florida Man, are both soaking wet, he seems to fry himself a little as well.
Hawke: Tinto finally being lifted out of the barrel by the referees...
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Hawke: And he has a buzzsaw!
The child is once again taken for a ride by the device. Kilroy Evans and Florida Man now leap over Tinto, then bob for weapons, knowing they have forty seconds before having to leap again - like clockwork.
Hawke: Florida Man bobbing... and has a katana!
Randy: Kilroy Evans has everyone in the arena rooting for... yup, another apple.
The apple is thrown, but the katana cuts it in two! Both men have to leap over Tinto again, as Florida Man rushes in with his sword - Kilroy Evans goes in again.
Randy: I don't believe it! Kilroy managed to pull out a folding chair-
Hawke: He broke the apple pattern! Now dueling chair and katana!
Randy: But how did they fit that chair in there...
On fire, except drenched from the barrels, Florida Man and Kilroy Evans thrust, pivot, counter, with chairshot after katana strike - looking like an Errol Flynn swashbuckler. Even as they dance around grievous bodily harm, they still have to jump over the occasional Tinto buzz by.
Hawke: The crowd are on their feet-
Randy: One of these shots connect and its over-
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: What?
Everyone looks confused. Was that the time limit? They haven't murdered one another yet.
Bonnie Jenkins: Officials have determined that Marty Donovan is unable to continue...
Everyone looks back to the barrels, where paramedics are performing CPR on a thoroughly drowned Marty Donovan.
Hawke: Marty knocked out!
Randy: But which Marty was it?
Hawke: What do you mean?
Randy: Epcot Marty or Mischief Marty?
Hawke: They can't determine it that wa-
Bonnie Jenkins: So the winners of this match... THE EPCOT MAFIA,
SO Florida Man IS YOUR NEW YTA CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd chant "Let Them Finish" while Kilroy Evans and Florida Man race over to the water logged Marty. When the juice runs out on Tinto's saw, he joins them as well. The boy stands over Marty looking inconsolable. Apparently the referees took his BFG away. When Marty finally comes to he has some rather choice words for both his guilty looking tag partners - but if they are picked up on camera, they would definitely be censored.
Hawke: How can they tell which Marty is which?
Randy: Don't sweat the details, Joey.
As Kilroy and half-dead Marty have a heart to heart, Florida Man collects his championship - heading up to the entranceway to celebrate with his fans.
Hawke: Pretty loud Florida Man chants.
Randy: Large J-RoK contingent on the west coast. He won an HKW title for them, and just reclaimed a J-RoK title... not bad, considering the federation wants nothing to do with him.
Hawke: Yes, when the chips were down Florida Man rescued their YTA title from a hostile federation - threw away his Seven Sea Skirmish shot to help them. I think some people in J-RoK might just owe that gator an apology-
#SMACK#
Suddenly out of the back, Kira Izumi charges over Florida Man with a forklift! The crowd don't care for that at all.
Hawke: KIRA WITHA SNEAK ATTACK!
Randy: Kira Shenmue'd him!
A loud beeping sound denotes the forklift backing up, as Kira rolls back over the champion.
Kira Izumi: After the gold was stolen from me... I never got my AUTOMATIC REMATCH!
JROK YTA CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Forklift Deathmatch
Kira Izumi vs. Florida Man (c)
DING! DING! DING!
An official runs up to make the three count. Florida Man is pinned to the ground under the weight of the forklift. Kira doesn't even get out of his seat, happily making the vehicle assisted pin.
Hawke: Not like this-
1. 2. 3.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: ...nope.
Kira Izumi: Your winner of this match, and NEW J-RoK YTA Champion, ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd start pelting the stage with garbage. The forklift starts to tilt as Florida Man attempts to shift it off of him. Realizing he might not be able to drive out, Kira rips the YTA off of the spitting mad Floridian poses for the less than receptive crowd then makes his exit.
Florida Man: KIRA - I AM GOING TO END YOU........... (trying to get forklift off his crotch) dang.
Hawke: How do you like that? Florida Man actually wins the title back, and Kira immediately steals it. I think we all saw who the real company man was tonight.[/quote]
Hawke: Well fans, as you see, we've been joined at the announce position by a guest-
Magnus: Good Evening XHF.
Hawke: Welcome Magnus. ...Which can only mean one thing-
Randy: Ozawa is finally winning the Phoenix for J-RoK!
Magnus: Randy! I hate my Ex-husband more than the next guy, and would dance a jig if he died, but why would you wish for J-RoK to steal GUNS top strap?
Randy: Until the Anniversary show goes down, I'm a loyal Japanese company man.
Apparently End of Days exists in a timeline where the J-RoK Anniversary went down in November.
Magnus: Perhaps I'll have Off the Wagon challenge for the new BEAR Interspecies Tag Titles at GUNS season premier?
Randy: Ugh...
Hawke: That's great news about the premier. Given the state of GUNS Arena, I thought for sure it would take a lot longer to go back into business. When are you thinking of firing back up?
Magnus: Oh look, Bonnie is waiting for us in the ring-
Leaning forward, the GUNS founder physically points just so the camera will follow his arm, smash panning off of him to the ring announcer.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the XHF Phoenix Championship!
The crowd cheer loudly, anything for a time fight.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introduction first the challenger, who want me to inform you that he is definitely from GUNS...
The audience boo this obvious lie.
Bonnie Jenkins: Regardless of what Network affiliate you think he is actually working for - please give a warm XHF welcome to.................RRRRIVAL RRRRRRRRRRRRECRUITER OZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAWAAAAA!!!
The curtains are drawn back, as a nondescript Japanese businessman steps out of the back. Rival Recruiter Ozawa is followed by number of wrestlers who certainly look like J-RoK young lions. With his muscle backing him, Ozawa smiles at the jeering crowd - the group making their way down the aisle swaggering in sync with Salt-N-Pepa's "I'll Take Your Man."
Magnus: I'm so conflicted right now...
Hawke: If you were that concerned about a wrestler from another company winning your belt... again... why do you let Ozawa pretend to work for GUNS?
Magnus: He's very good at getting undesirables to sign elsewhere... that Jesse Jamester was GUNS dead weight, bleeding my talent budget dry for non-appearances like a contemporary Lanny Poffo, before that "Tour of Violence" magically got him out of our hair. Ozawa serves a purpose. I just wish it was anyone else challenging Redmond, so I could root for them.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent... coming to us from Akron, Ohio... standing at 6'3", and weighing in at 275 pounds... he holds the longest reign, most defences, and most number of times holding the championship... please give a warm welcome to...The GUNSHOW..MISTER GUNS...THE BUCKEYE BRUISER...OHIO'S FAVOURITE SON...RED HOT FURY...........YOUR XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDMOND FURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The familiar notes of "Real American" act as a siren's call, beckoning the audience to crowd around the aisle, before the pyro goes off. White sparks explode across the entrance curtain. Stepping out of the back, Redmond Fury wears the Phoenix championship around his impossibly chiseled waist. The wall of muscle gives a big smile to his fans. Moving with the tune, Fury slaps hands, signs autographs, busts moves, all while taking the time to flex for the camera.
Hawke: This all spun out of a defense at the Marty Birthday Bash, where Ozawa was a member of Tinto's Eleven challenging for the Phoenix. Ozawa was brought in to Rival Recruit Fury's faithful bear, Ursusla... only to feel the Grizzly's rage. Vowing revenge on the second week of the End of Days tournament, Ozawa recruited a small army to win the title... who were all eaten by the dracolich. Now it falls on Ozawa himself without any help...
Randy: Except for the half dozen youths looking mean on the outside...
Hawke: ...Without ANY help, to take care of Fury by himself.
Randy: GO J-ROK!
Hawke: ...That Anniversary show can't come fast enough.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
One Fall Match
Rival Recruiter Ozawa vs. Redmond Fury (c)
DING! DING! DING!
Fury seems happy to lock-up, while Ozawa is intent to circle, act like he actually has plans to shoot in, only to stop and work out against the ropes. Eventually the stall tactics prove too much for Fury to bear, as the larger man grabs Double R by the neck and tosses him across the ring. The GUNS heavy audience that make up Global event shows - because they dominated the X for the past two years, and no longer have an arena to call their own, EXPLODE for the muscular hero.
Hawke: Fury manhandling Ozawa like a rag doll.
Magnus: What do you expect? The damn Ox is almost double the invader's size!
Ozawa tries to fight back with a fistful of salt, but Fury ducks the weapon, and rocks the devious challenger into the corner with a forearm smash. Ozawa tries to fight out with rapid fire eye gouges, but Fury weaves around the cheap shots with the footwork of a technically achieved boxer, using his size to muscle RRO into the corner. Here it looks like Fury is setting up a Buckeye Bomber when referee Danny Dash interjects himself.
Magnus: Dash calling for a rope break. Since when was leaning on a guy a submission hold worthy of a rope break?
Randy: Look at the size of him! Having that slab of muscle on top of you, would be way more pressure than a bearhug.
Magnus: Fair enough.
While Fury starts to step back, Ozawa kicks low instead of honouring the clean break. Rather than sell the low blow, Fury just plugs his thigh master, then plugs Ozawa in the mouth with a bicep bop. The impact almost causes Double R to bounce out of the ring. While the Japanese challenger tries to get out of the ropes, Danny Dash gets in Fury's face for attacking instead of letting Ozawa off the ropes. Fury and Dash exchange some heated words before Fury returns to his opponent, and is eye gouged. As Fury staggers back, Ozawa comes off the rope with a flying double axe-handle chop to the back. Still nursing injuries from the sarlacc pit - Fury doubles over. Bruised kidney, no doubt. RRO lets loose a volley of karate chops to the injured right side, finishing his flourish with a buffoonish crane kick. SMACK! Despite how silly the move looked, it sounded like it burst Fury's kidney. Pulling Fury throat first across the top rope, Ozawa starts to choke Fury while throwing stiff knees into the pained looking side. Pleased with himself, Ozawa tries to start a "GUNS" chant but the audience responds by throwing trash... they see right through him. An especially nasty looking kneelift to hip, apparently lands on enough damaged tissue, that an agonized Fury throws a back elbow that knocks Ozawa clear across the ring. Danny Dash once again gets in Fury's face warning him about the closed strikes.
Hawke: The referee seems to be giving Fury a much harder time than Ozawa.
Magnus: For all you know, Dash is angry that his wife spends all their disposable income on the Fury Road fan club.
Randy: That's possible. You know how many XHF stars are on the road 300 days a year? So many significant others subscribing to Fury's OnlyFans. He'd be rich, even if he didn't have all Magnus' money.
Magnus: You think I'm joking about the bear versus humans dressed as salmon tag league?
Randy: .......I'll be good.
Hawke: While Fury is busy with Dash, Ozawa off the top with a flying leg lariat! Takes the larger man down... then snaps off a springboard double stomp to the ribs! There's the cover...
ONE!
TWO!
Randy: Big kickout, but Fury favouring his side.
Ozawa stands on Fury's right side, striking a pose for nearby rag writer's to snap photographs. Groaning, Fury shoves him off. Ozawa comes back with a punt, but Fury fights through the pain. Ozawa continues to kick away, but quickly loses ground, having to back peddle to keep the distance up. Jumping away from some big forearm shots, Ozawa finds himself on the ropes - but Fury keeps charging forward. The larger man continues to ignore kicks, and follow Ozawa to the top turnbuckle, ducking a discus punch, and shoving Ozawa so that DoubleR CROTCHES himself on the top rope. Fury dives into Ozawa, taking him off the top with a flying body press which sends both men outside to the floor.
Hawke: Ozawa crushed like a bug-
Magnus: But I don't think Redmond did himself any favours going out there, here come Ozawa's goons.
The young lions start to horde towards Fury, only stopping from pouncing because of Dash. 1! Getting to his feet Fury looks ready to destroy the youths, but seeing them keeping their distance turns back to the Recruiter. 2! Outside the ring, Fury WHIPS Ozawa into the guardrail. 3! Ozawa staggers off into a big backdrop, that again sends him crashing into steel. 4! Fury charges in for an Buckeye Bomber, only for Ozawa to bring a knee up into his kidney. 5! Ozawa goes for another double axe-handle chop, but Fury no sells it. 6! Ozawa makes a break for it, with Fury in hot pursuit. 7! The Young Lions get in the way, giving Ozawa enough space to get in the ring first. 8! Fury rolls in after him, but Ozawa is ready, stomping away at the right hip. Reaching into his coat pocket, Ozawa takes a moment before hitting a loaded fist drop. He tosses a roll of quarters out to his flunkies, while hooking a leg.
Hawke: What was that? Was that a loaded punch?
Magnus: I mean, it looks good on Redmond, but is the referee seeing none of this?
Hawke: Evidence out of the ring, and Ozawa with the pin-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randy: Fury grabs the ropes. Going to take a lot more than that to knock the big man out. An anvil maybe?
Ozawa slaps on an abdominal stretch, to apply further pressure on the damaged kidney. It isn't long before Fury straight-up powers out of it, pulling Ozawa into a-
Hawke: BUCKEYE BREEZE!
Magnus: Damn it. I mean.... go team?
Hawke: Crowd on their feet, and there's the cover....
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
Rising, Fury raises his arms in victory - but Danny Dash informs him the match is still going on.
Randy: Wait, that wasn't it? There was a bell. A REALLY LOUD BELL. Some of us might be nursing hangovers, so the bell should only be used at the start and finish of the match.
Magnus: Redmond arguing with Dash, the pinhead. I hate to say it but Red never would have broken the pin if not for the bell.
Hawke: Wait, that was on purpose! Ozawa has... RIVAL RECRUITED timekeeper Tanya Fudd!
Randy: How could Tanya be seduced into helping Ozawa? The sacred duty of the ring bell is bonded.
Hawke: Ozawa has a way of twisting anyone's heart to his own purposes. I mean how else could he get rational people to willingly join J-RoK?
Randy: HEY, this tie tomorrow, I might be their champion!
Hawke: I rest my case.
While Fury is telling Dash off, Ozawa crawls up behind and hits a European uppercut to the testicles. This time Fury can't no sell the low blow, and doubles over, setting himself up for a double armed DDT. Hanging onto the neck, Ozawa brings a knee into the big man's ribs before rolling through for a makeshift la majestical.
Hawke: Quick roll up- onetwoth-
The crowd cheer as Fury kicks out in such a pronounced manner that Dash is startled into stopping his insane fast count.
Randy: That was... a little quick.
Hawke: Could Ozawa have Rival Recruited Dash too?
Magnus: Don't make it sound so impressive, Dash could be bought with a Twinkie.
Hawke: That may have been a perfectly normal count- and the Young Lions have hit the ring to stomp a whole in Fury. The fact that Dash isn't calling for a DQ strongly suggests that he has bee recruited.
Rising, Ozawa joins his flunkies in stomping away at Fury. Danny Dash stops to tie his shoe, but the crooked referee isn't fooling anyone.
Magnus: Come on Redmond, don't let J-RoK steal our title. Ugh. Damn this defence.
Randy: This numbers are similar to Tinto's Eleven - but the gang beating looks more like prison hazing.
Hawke: This is outrageous. First Ozawa takes advantage of an existing injury, and now needs a dozen cronies to act as muscle? Since winning the Phoenix in the last days of the AWF, Redmond Fury has taken on all comers, but this is pushing it...
Magnus: Get a room!
Randy: That's a trick, Joey, don't fall for it - he'll get jealous.
Suddenly an EPIC bicep bash knocks the six men off the strong man. Looking terrified, Ozawa starts to crawl away. The Young Lions begin to regroup, but Fury brains one after another with his PEC POPS. The crowd are eating it up, as Fury just levels the attackers.
Hawke: He's doing it!
Randy: I have faith in their fighting spirit. These brave young men are just resting.
Hawke: Resting, he kicked them out cold. Now coming after Ozawa...
DoubleR scrambles towards the corner with Fury hot on his heels. Ozawa tries to back kick, but Fury gras the ankle. Fury starts to lift Ozawa up for an Orphanizer, when suddenly the ringside cameraman smashes his camera rig over Fury's head! The picture cuts to a long shot of the ring.
Hawke: Even the cameraman has been Rival Recruited!
Randy: That's Tony B... he's like Fury's biggest fan.
Hawke: Diabolical!
Shaking off the camera attack, Fury knocks Tony B off the apron with a light shoulder tackle... then still holding Ozawa hits the-
Hawke: BUCKEYE BREEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: I can't watch. ...............where's the pin?
Hawke: Danny Dash killing time, trying to pretend he has a cramp to buy Ozawa time. ....But Ozawa is basically a pancake, so this isn't going to work.
Disappointed in the referee, Fury hooks on the orphanizer - but not so hard it will knock Double R out, just make him squirm.
Hawke: Orphanizer! And Ozawa taps-
Randy: I think he's just flailing around. J-RoK is tougher than this. Dash certainly doesn't see it.
The referee continues to turn a blind eye, but Ozawa grabs at his foot, taps out on his leg. Taps out again. Finally the pain is such that Ozawa says something else to recruit Ozawa back to Fury's side.
Hawke: I don't know what Ozawa said, but Dash calling for the bell. Looks like Fury will win by submission.
Sadly, Tanya is still in on the conspiracy. Getting annoyed by the situation, Fury takes matters into his own hands. Letting go of Ozawa, Fury tosses three of the young lions at the time keeper's table like they were darts.
DING! ...DING! D..ING!
"Real American" starts pumping over the PA system to the delight of the crowd.
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match... and STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, THE BUCKEYE BRUISER...REEEEEEEEEDMOND FUUUUUUUURY!
Magnus: I hate this result so much I could spit.
Hawke: Could have been worse.
Magnus: Yeah.
Suddenly XHF Shockmaster, UrsusLa and Unboxed Ken come out of the back, carrying a very reluctant Mrs. Wombat.
Magnus: About time!
Hawke: The XHF thought she was eaten by Dinosaur Bones - to the point where her own husband, WOMBAT, got eaten to rescue her. It turns out she was just on a year long shopping spree...
Magnus: While I raised her kids!
Randy: Biggest heel in the XHF by a long shot.
Hawke: Well Fury thinks its all psychological trauma, and is planning to force Ozawa to rival recruit her back to her family.
Magnus: Me and... my former husband... have a lot of history. Most of it isn't pleasant. There is a lot of bad blood. But if Redmond could somehow turn Mrs. Wombat into the doormat we all loved at the Christmas Parties, and get those eighteen tiny mouths away from my meagre savings... I'd be willing to call it all bygones.
Randy: Wow. You must really hate kids.
Magnus: You have no idea.
Ozawa attempts to crawl off, but Fury holds him tight. Unboxed Ken rolls Mrs. Wombat under the bottom rope - the First Lady of GUNS tries to kick him in the face. She is about to turn tail and run, when UrsusLa almost bites her. Sneering, Wombat starts cursing like crazy.
Redmond Fury: Now return her maternal instincts-
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: I'm not a miracle- Urk- fine.
For fear of his arm being ripped off his body, then used to club him, Rival Recruiter Ozawa whispers something to Mrs. Wombat. She falls to her knees, crying, then looks around...
Mrs. Wombat: My babies.... where...
Magnus: It's an End of Days miracle!
Lowering his guard, Fury gestures for Unboxed Ken and XHF Shockmaster run off to collect the 18 Wombat children.
Unboxed Ken (giving the announce position a thumbs up): We're free Magnus!
Only for Mrs. Wombat to grab the XHF Phoenix Title and smash it so hard over Redmond's head that gold plates fall off. Blood shooting out of his forehead like a lawn sprinkler, Fury drops to his knees. Laughing, Ozawa rises - getting clear of the blood so Mrs. Wombat can hit the champion again. SMASH! She does.
Hawke: She was just playing us... or Ozawa got to her!
Unboxed Ken (stopping his retreat): Darn it, MAGNUS WE HAVE TO RUN!
Magnus: Damn Fury can't get anything right!
Leaving the announce position, Magnus and Unboxed Ken flee before they once again have to act as the legal guardians to the Wombats.
Redmond Fury: th... is... isn... you.
Mrs. Wombat: You don't know me.
More plates are bent as Wombat further destroys Fury's scalp with the belt.
UrsusLa: RRRRRRRRRRRAWR!
The man eating grizzly bear climbs into the ring. Ozawa is quick to dive out - landing on XHF Shockmaster, who was returning to help.
Redmond Fury: urs... no....
Before the champion can stop her, UrsusLa eats both Mrs. Wombat and the Phoenix title. A hush falls over the crowd, who genuinely hated Mrs. Wombat... but this seems like a painful End of Days flashback.
Randy: ...Maybe she wasn't really eaten.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Someone gut that man eating bear!
Redmond Fury: ....un... urs... run....
Having successfully recruited the entire security force to his whims, Ozawa sends them after the Grizzly - who swats at a few before bounding away.
Hawke: How is the man eating bear still part of GUNS roster?
Randy: Good question, Joey. Magnus picked a good time to escape. Still, if Fury got out of that horrible monster, I'm sure Mrs. Wombat can.
Hawke: Perhaps this is the start of an amazing adventure?
Randy: I just don't envy whoever has to check the bear stool for the title. Fury is the champion so that would be his job right?
Hawke: You really got on Magnus' nerves tonight.
Randy: ...Damn it. At least J-RoK doesn't have bears eating people.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following bout is scheduled for ONE fall anywhere in the arena! This match is sanctioned under Hardcore rules, with a sixty minute time limit!
Hawke: Brutality awaits.
Randy: That it does.
♫ You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything ♫
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first! Hailing from Calgary, Alberta CANADA! Weighing in this evening at two-hundred-eighty-three pounds! Standing six-foot-six-inches tall! Known in the Northern hemisphere as the Canadian Nightmare, to the XHF Network he is the MURDER LIZARD, and now as he graces Japan with his Tour of Violence, I present to you, the JROK NEW WAVE CHAMPION or better known as, 'THE VIOLENT ONE" --- JESSSSSE JAMESSSSSTEEEEER!
Taking a moment to soak it in, the Murder Lizard scans the arena, and makes his way down the aisle towards the ring. As he approaches the ring side area, Jesse steps up on the second step of the black ring steps, cracking his neck and shrugging his shoulders in a warmup manner. The murder lizard proceeds to wipe his boots on the apron, putting the ring to his back as he leans one arm over the top rope and a hand up to his eyebrows, getting a better look at the audience. In one motion, he steps between the ropes and enters the ring, showing authority in his body language; shoulders back, head up, face looking straight ahead. Jesse throws his right fist up in the air, and then lets it slowly return to his side as the music begins to fade out.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing NEXT! The reigning defending XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION! The Face of the Franchise! A former X*Crown champion! Ladies and gentlemen, representing HardKore World — STEEEEVE AWWWWESOME!!!
All the lights in the arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting
his name.
"AWE-SOME! AWE-SOME! AWE-SOME!"
Dramatic Pause.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
"Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery"
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Hawke: A hardcore showdown to end all showdowns.
Randy: This marks their second time during End of Days of facing each other. But this time, it’s for the XHF Hardcore title that Steve has become very attached to.
XHF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Hardcore Match
Jesse Jamester vs. Steve Awesome (c)
DING! Ding! Ding!
Coming out of the gates swinging, Jesse clubs Steve Awesome across the chest with a heavy palm backing him into the corner. The Murder Lizard leaves no time for Steve to get a grapple in and clubs away before Steve ducks a swinging arm and kicks Jesse in the back of the knee. Steve grabs the Murder Lizard by the hair and hooks his neck for a hard neckbreaker. Steve rolls out of the ring and grabs the boots of Jesse Jamester, pulling the Violent One to the turnbuckle but Jesse stops him and pulls his legs back causing Steve to headbutt the post. Steve staggers around outside the ring before face flopping on the outside ring mat.
Hawke: Dazed and confused Steve goes down from a plan foiled by the Murder Lizard.
Randy: Jesse rolls out of the ring now.
Pulling the apron skirt up, Jesse pulls out the hardware in the form of a table, a ladder, and two chairs. Jesse picks up the table and sets it up so the table is longsways using the apron and the guardrail to keep it suspended off the floor. Steve is back on his feet and grabs a chair that Jesse pulled out, tossing it a turning Murder Lizard to connect to his mask!
Randy: Steel chair to the face of Jesse!
Hawke: Steve props the ladder up on the apron and goes back a few steps now.
Randy: Running up and jumping off the ladder, Steve grabs the head of Jesse Jamester – DENIED!
Pushing Steve’s momentum up, Jesse separates Steve from his head and drops him stomach first on the angled ladder! Steve bounces off the ladder and rolls backwards onto the outside ring mat.
Hawke: Steve looking worse for wear after being tossed back on the ladder he positioned.
Randy: The unlikely demise of your enemy is your own self. It’s an AA thing.
Pulling Steve by the hair, Jesse gets him up on the apron and climbs up himself. Positioning Steve’s head between his knees before lifting him up for a powerbomb! Steve slips over the top rope and lands on the second turnbuckle where he kicks off his foot and bulldog’s Jesse through the table he setup on the outside!
Randy: Jesse goes chest and face first through the table!
Hawke: Splinters everywhere at ringside!
Randy: This got physical and quick.
Hawke: Yes it did, but we expected it with the history between Steve Awesome and Jesse Jamester. These two have had wars, both in words and in the ring.
Randy: The third one is happening right here in front of us tonight.
Rolling Jesse over, Steve goes for the pin.
One!
Two!
Th—kick out!
Steve gets to his knees and shakes his head at the referee arguing three but the referee demands it’s a two. Reaching under the ring skirt, Steve pulls out a wheel of barbed wire that has wire cutters hanging from them.
Hawke: Steve looks to be pulling a page out of Jesse’s playbook here.
Randy: If you can’t beat them, join them. Or dismantle them with barbed wire.
Cutting the wire, Steve begins to unravel it using the ring skirt as protection. After he gets about six feet of barbed wire free he snips it from the wheel and turns around to a big boot! Jesse picks up Steve and the barbed wire, rolling Steve into the ring. Climbing the apron, Jesse gets in the ring and begins to wrap his taped up forearm with the barbed wire.
Randy: We haven’t seen this since 2021!
Hawke: The once banned move, the Nemesis Lock, now completely legal in this hardcore match!
Randy: If he gets this locked on with the barbed wire, Steve will have to tap out.
Turned around from the apron, Jesse stares mask to mask with a hooded figure who’s only noticeable feature is the black mask with a purple M on the forehead who sprays him with a purple mist in the eyes! The masked figure grabs Jesse by the back of the neck and guillotines him on the top rope as the barbed wire cuts into his flesh on the top of his chest!
Hawke: Who was that?!
Randy: Not a friend of Jesse’s it appears.
Hawke: And Steve is up, but has no idea what just happened!
Randy: SUPERKICK!
The superkick lands on Jesse’s mask and sends him tumbling into the ropes. A second Superkick! And Jesse goes down! Steve uses the turnbuckle and quickly ascends them to hit a high angle moonsault that lands perfectly! He covers Jesse for the pin!
Steve Awesome: THIGH SLAP CITY BITCH! They heard those slaps in MEXICO!
One!
Two!
Three!
Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of this match and STILL XHF Hardcore Champion – Steve Awesome!
Hawke: What a steal for Steve Awesome here tonight!
Randy: Not what we expected, or these fans as they look on in shock.
Hawke: That masked figure just gave Steve an easy night, or easier than it was going to be.
Hawke: Coming up next should be one of our hardtest hitting matches of the night. The EOD winners, The End, take on the newly crowned XHF Global Tag Team champions, Oblivion Death Squad!
Randy: The followers of Hardkore go to war with The Scourge!
The crowd quietens as the lights around the seating and ringside area fade. The silence is broken by the cranking noise of spotlights from pill boxes and armaments set upon walls surrounding the beach.
Bonnie Jenkins: Weighing in at four-hundred-and-fifty-one pounds. They are the former NLW Tag Team Champions, Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE HOLDERS and WINNERS OF THE 2023 TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR…Mehrunes Smith….Scott Fargo…THE END!!!!!!!
With a huge explosion, the crowd are awoken by heavily distorted guitars. Pale green and murky orange lights now snake around the beach and ringside area, pulsing to the beat of the music. Another crank, this one faint, is heard as two spotlights center on the entranceway. Out of the shadows and into the light, two men walk out. Mehrunes Smith, his leather coat brushing against the tentacles of his mask as he takes in the setting and hears the crowd. Scott Fargo has his sights firmly fixed on their opponents inside the ring as he unzips his black hoody.
Archenemy - In the Eye of the Storm blasts across the speakers of the arena. The lights go down with a wail of sirens, and searchlights sweep over the crowd before focusing on the ramp as the music hits. The pyros go off with an explosion of flames and sparks, and stomping side by side the KGB Death Squad emerges from the back. Behind them follows Donzig or Sinclair Godfrey, who motion for them to head for the ring. They pause at the bottom of the ramp, glaring about before they storm the ring. Yelling as they pace around the inside of the ropes as they wait for their opponents.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, making their way to ring accomonied by Sinclair Godfrey! Weighing in at six hundred and twenty pounds! They are the Current XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD…Mormo….Moloch…OBLIVION DEATH SQUAD!!!!
XHF GLOBAL TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
One Fall Match
The End vs. Oblivion Death Squad (c)
Hawke: Mehrunes and Mormo lock up. Mormo irish whips the smaller man into the ropes and then backdrops him.
The crowd gasps at the air Smith got on that move as he writhes around in pain.
Hawke: Mormo giving Smith no time to recover. He pulls the Hardkore champion up into a stalling vertical suplex.
Randy: He might hold him up there all day!
Mormo yells in Albanian before carelessly slamming Mehrunes, who sits up with his back arched in pain.
Hawke: Mormo floors Mehrunes with a discus punch.
Randy: So far this has been all ODS!
He irish whips Smith across the ring.
Hawke: Smith ducks under a lariat and bounces back the other way. He takes down the big man with a picture perfect dropkick!
Mehrunes tags in Scott Fargo. He steps through the ropes and unleashes a flurry of stomps on Mormo. Papito pulls the excessive Fargo off of him, but Scott pushes the ref back to the mat, which gets a huge pop from the crowd.
Randy: Heh, stupid Papito.
Hawke: Scott Fargo hits him with a couple more stomps and then grabs Mormo by his leg. He applies a stepover toe hold and then turns it into a cradle with the ropes for leverage!
Papito: 1...kick out!
Hawke: Fargo attempts to swing but Mormo ducks and atomic drops him on the turnbuckle. He pulls him back upside down into a tree of woe. Mormo kicks Fargo in the groin!
Randy: To think that one wrestling attack has jeopardize an entire generation of disinterested Valvoline employees.
Hawke: Mormo steps on Fargo' throat, suffocating his opponent!
Randy: Stop! His voice is weird enough already as is!
Hawke: Mormo irish whips Scott and hits him with a monstrous lariot!
Mormo tags in Moloch. He runs at Fargo with a wild haymaker.
Hawke: Scott Fargo ducks a punch and drops Moloch on the back of his head with a swinging saito suplex!
The fans cheer at the show of strength from the smaller Fargo.
Hawke: Scott yanks Moloch's up by an ear, then hammers him with a series of punches square to the face!
Moloch falls to his knees dazed. Scott Fargo hits the ropes and then tattoos him with a stiff European uppercut.
Hawke: Shotgun blast! Many didn’t expect to see The End get by Zoran Sainovic and El Rey.
Randy: This team is starting to win me over. Mostly because they hurt Marty Donovan.
Hawke: Both competitors are trading punches. Fargo is rocked by a big left hand. Moloch scoops Fargo up and bodyslams him into a backbreaker!
Moloch tags Mormo back in. Mormo bearhugs Scott Fargo and Moloch comes off the ropes with a Hart attack clothesline.
Hawke: What a devastating combo! They go for the pin!
Papito: 1...2...kick out!
Hawke: Mormo lifts Fargo up and delivers a sambo suplex. Wow! That looked nasty.
Randy: You don’t take the titles from Cut Throat Chaos by going easy on people. It’s like Sinclair explained. Win or lose, fighting ODS will change you forever.
Mormo runs into the ropes and clocks Fargo in the back of the head with a clothesline!
Hawke: Mormo irish whips Fargo, but Scott jumps onto the middle of the top rope!
The crowd pops in excitement as the smaller competitor springboard tornado DDTs the charging giant. Mormo gets to his knees and catches a slap to the face by Scott Fargo.
Hawke: No love lost between these two. Mormo responds with a slap of his own. Fargo answers with another slap. Dear lord, Mormo bites his forehead!
Randy: Welp, I ain’t ever going to WUK.
Fargo screams in agony as the audience gasps. Mormo hits an uppercut of his own, sending the bitten man across the ring.
Hawke: Scott Fargo tags in Mehrunes. He grabs a keylock on Mormo's arm. He wrenches back on Mormo's wrist, trying to break his elbow.
Mehrunes straightens out Mormo's arm and knee drops it! Mormo rolls around, clutching his elbow. Mehrunes bounces into the ropes and connects with a baseball slide to the face.
Hawke: Smith goes for the pin!
Papito: 1...kick out!
Hawke: Mehrunes tags in Scott Fargo. They apply a double fujiwara armbar on Mormo.
Randy: A livid Papito giving them the five count! He’s already mad about Scott pushing him over earlier. Understandably, the man is practically a turtle. We’re lucky he was able to get off his back at all.
Moloch hits the ring and connects with a kick square to Mehrune’s face.
Hawke: Everyone is in the ring now. Moloch booting Smith and Fargo off of his partner. Papito is struggling to regain any authority.
Randy: It’s like he’s at home with his cats!
Hawke: Papito finally gets the illegal wrestlers out of the ring. Mormo grabs Fargo by the throat and tosses him to the canvas with a double handed chokeslam! He goes for a pin!
Papito: 1...2...kick out!
Mormo yanks him up, but Fargo responds with a poke to the eye.
Hawke: Scott Fargo tags in Mehrunes. Smith once again fujiwara armbars his blinded opponent.
Randy: Smith is one of the best submission artists in the game, but Mormo is as tough as they come. He’s refusing to tap!
Changing tactics, Mehrunes releases the arm and runs into the ropes, but Sinclair trips him.
Hawke: Just great! First an eye poke and now manager interference. This was a good clean match!
Randy: I’m cool with a little cheating just as long as Godzilla doesn’t squash us.
Papito goes to scold Sinclair, but ends up just flirting with her instead.
Hawke: Mormo irish whips Mehrunes into the ropes and sidewalk slams him. He then tags in Moloch.
Hawke: Moloch enters the fray. Up to now the action has mostly been Mormo.
Moloch lifts Mehrunes in a fireman's carry but Mehrunes drops behind him with a backcracker!
Randy: Great counter! Smith goes for the pin.
Papito: 1...2...kick out!
Hawke: Moloch blocks a punch and drops Mehrunes with a headbutt.
Molock presses Mehrunes high over his head.
Hawke: Moloch shows off his strength. The Hardkore World tag champion is begging to be put down.
Randy: Careful what you wish for!
Molock tosses Smith down to the mat face first. He then tags in his partner.
Hawke: Mormo is back in the match. He irish whips Mehrunes into the ropes. He dips down for a backdrop, but Mehrunes knees him in the face!
Randy: Smith wasn’t going to fall for that move again. He goes for the pin.
Papito: 1...2...kick out!
Hawke: Mehrunes grabs Mormo by the arm, and drops down into an armbreaker!
Mormo clutches his shoulder and rolls around on the mat. Sinclair pounds on the mat for him to tag out. Mehrunes pulls him up into a hammerlock, but Mormo goes behind and tiger suplexes him into a pin.
Papito: 1...2...kick out!
Hawke: What a battle of technique against power. We might be seeing the start of a legendary tag team rivalry here.
Hawke: Both men are struggling to get to their feet, but Smith is a little quicker. He puts Mormo into a crossface.
Mormo cries out in pain, but shakes his head when Papito asks him if he wants to submit.
Hawke: Mormo reaches for rope, but he is a long way off. Moloch comes into the ring for the save and…FRONT FLIP SENTON!
The crowd explodes at seeing the big man leave his feet, squashing Mehrunes beneath him. Fargo runs in to save his flattened partner.
Randy: That was awesome!
Hawke: Moloch powerslams Scott Fargo into the mat!
Mormo and Mehrunes roll around the mat in pain as Fargo stumbles to his feet using the ropes.
Hawke: The legal men are both still down. Their partners are standing again. Moloch rushes in on Fargo and CACTUS CLOTHESLINE!
The roof comes off the arena as the near 300 pound man goes tumbling over the top rope with his opponent.
Hawke: What a fearless technique from the big man. That couldn’t have been a fun ride for Scott Fargo, crashing to the mat with an extra 290 pounds on top of him.
Randy: Don’t think it was any fun for Moloch either. Looks like he hit his head pretty hard on the ground.
Struggling to their feet, Mooch and Fargo start exchanging punches as the men in the ring recover.
Hawke: This tag team match has been turned into a brawl at ringside. Fargo slams Moloch’s head into the ring post. The Albanian’s face is now a crimson mask!
Randy: Fargo ain’t done yet! Spinning back kict! He’s targeting that wounded head.
Meanwhile in the ring, Mormo has risen to a knee and clutches his wounded arm.
Hawke: Fargo has his opponent wobbling around. He rushes in for an uppercut! LOOK OUT!
Moloch Death Valley Bombs Fargo through the commentator’s table. Both men lay destroyed in a pile by Randy Angel’s feet.
Randy: Those idiots spilled my Super Saki!
Hawke: Never mind that! We’ve got blood loss and broken tables! Fargo and Moloch are out cold!
Back in the ring, Mormo lands a big boot to the rising Smith.
Hawke: Just as quickly as Mehrunes gets up, he is dropped again. Mormo reaches down and…TRIANGLE CHOKE! SMITH HAS HIM IN THE DROWNER!
Randy: He’s caught in the kraken’s tentacles and his partner is out cold!
Sinclair, who was checking on the destruction outside of the ring, suddenly notices the drowner and panics.
Hawke: Sinclair is screaming for Moloch to get back up and help his partner. It’s no use! He’s out cold. There is no help to be found.
Randy: Help might not be needed. Look at Mormo!
The Albanian is fighting to his feet, trying to rise with Smith still locked on.
Hawke: Mormo is battling through! He’s trying to get up for a powerbomb.
Randy: He’s the ODS member that has taken more punishment in this match too! This is incredible!
The crowd chants back and forth widely, split on who they want to see win. Mormo manages to get to his feet as Mehrunes holds on for dear life.
Hawke: MORMO IS UP HE’S GOING FOR THE POWERBOMB!
Suddenly, the champion's legs buckle and he collapses back down to the mat. Papito frantically calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Bonnie Jenkins: Here are you winners…and NEW XHF GLOBAL TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, THE END!
Hawke: Mormo passes out! The End Wins! What a finish! This was an absolute war! The new champions are in no state to accept the belts. All four competitors are still down from that brutal battle. Mongo needs to be making plans for an immediate rematch because that was outstanding.
Randy: No, he needs to be getting me a refill.
The shot fades out on Papito awkwardly waiting with the belts as all four men receive medical attention.
Hawke: Well folks it's been a memorable End of Days....
Randy: But what's coming up next, I'll drink to forget.
Hawke: You sure will, Randy! At the start of the month Zoran Sainovic defended the Junior Heavyweight Championship in Hardkore World against his tag partner and protege, El Rey, in a match so brutal that it may have negatively impacted their Annihilator results.
Randy: They did stab one another while celebrating.
Hawke: Tonight, the JHC is defended in the fictional federation that is Dinosaur Bones. You may find yourselves wondering how does the TWO TON Dinosaur Bones count as a junior? Well he presented a list of wrestlers that he claims to have eaten, that all come in under the weight limit.
Randy: ....including El Rey's mother and father....
Hawke: With Zoran claiming to have set up the paperwork for the defence when HE was champion, and not forcing his surrogate son, El Rey, to get eaten as some sort of petty revenge. The verdict is still out on that claim. The fact remains that El Rey will be defending the title against a number of wrestlers we haven't seen since The Dread Lord apparently ate them. Making matters more stacked against El Rey, is that Zoran agreed to Bones' signature match - which also means that while still in California, it is not occurring in the arena tonight.
Randy: Thank goodness for small blessings.
Hawke: It is just a stones throw away.... so let's throw it over to our colleagues at the La Brea Tar Pits, in Los Angelas! Take it away, Sylvia!
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
ONE FALL MATCH
Dinosaur Bones vs. El Rey (c)
A graphic clearly showing all the official participants, from their recentest known photographs, flashes on the screen before cutting to the La Brea Tar Pits at night. Statues designed to look like original victims, plastic dinosaurs, wooly mammoths and the like, stick up out of the very real tar. Security hold back curious onlookers to make sure there are less people eaten than there were at EOD Week 2. It is now late enough in the evening that the Museum aspect of the grim park has closed, which just enough lights to make the atmosphere grim. One bright spot is the glowing smile of "The Banker's Daughter" Sylvia Starr - the GUNS announcer trying her luck at hazard pay ringside commentating.
Sylvia Starr: Joey. Randy. That's right, we are down at Le Brea for a Tar Pit Death Match. The rules of the contest are simple, two wrestlers, one tar pit - the first one to be thrown in loses.
An elderly cowboy steps into frame to join her.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Whoa doggy - this sure is gonna be a rootin' tootin' barn burner of a contest. Now Bonesy has been in forty two of these here tar death matches, and I'm happy to report he ain't lost one in over 65 million years.
Zoran Sainovic: Zat is quite ze streak. Clearly inflated, but impressive.
The camera adjusts again to include the Final Boss.
Sylvia Starr: As you can see, I have been joined on commentary by champion and hosting federation's respective tag partners. Zoran, you raise a good point about the uphill battle you have signed your protege up for. Most people consider this revenge for you losing the strap.
Zoran Sainovic (eating a Big Mac): I've never been more insulted. When Rey won ze JHC off me, I was so happy I could kiss him. Like passing on a curse. You ever see It Follows?
Sylvia Starr: As calm as you are, how can Rey - who weighs substantially less - be expected to throw Dinosaur Bones into a tar pit?
Zoran Sainovic: Don't sell Rey short, he learned from ze very best.
Behind the trio, Dinosaur Bones stalks down pathways - trying to sniff out the junior champion.
Sylvia Starr: As you can see the match is already underway. We all came here when it was still broad daylight to set-up, but El Rey apparently beat us to it. So Bones has spent the last four hours trying to find his opponent, but thus far isn't having any luck. The champion might be looking to retain on a time limit draw, sadly the contract his mentor signed stipulated that there would be no time limit-
"...god damn it."
Somewhere in the area, a very stealthy champion curses one of the commentators for this obvious trap.
Al Jabroni: That came from over THERE-
Hearing El Rey's mutterings, Bones' Reinfieldesque sidekick Al Jabroni starts searching the area of the sound for the hidden champion.
Dinosaur Bones: IF YOU DO NOT WISH THIS ENCOUNTER, THAT IS ALRIGHT WITH ME - FLESHLING REY. I JUST THOUGHT WE COULD REVIEW SOME MCDONALDS ON YELP, LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS... WON'T YOU JOIN ME FOR A BITE?
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: The kid is slow, but he will probably see through that.
Zoran Sainovic: Jabroni and Bones acting like Rey is hiding. Idiots. I didn't raise a coward. Ze longer zis match goes, ze more likely zose giant oafs gas zemselves. He is a zinking champion-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Now lets say hypothetically speaking that your greenhorn somehow manages to get Bones in that nasty mess. How do we know which Bones wrestler won?
Sylvia Starr: We have Dr. Doofenshmirtz on hand with his "Proximity Predictor" device - which will tell us which person inside of Bones landed in the Tar last.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz (monitoring device): When I created this, the scientific community called me a fool, but who is the fool now?
The medium shot gets even wider to include the mad scientist in the foursome...
Al Jabroni: I've got him!
The camera quickly cuts away from the team to the far side of the grounds, where Al Jabroni has pulled El Rey out of a bush with a full nelson. Jabroni got so wrapped up in the idea of feeding Bones another star, and staying off the menu for another week, that he forget that Rey is actually quite accomplished. Atlanta's Favourite Son leaps up trying to wrestle his arms free from the Nelson, but Jabroni hangs on tight. Leaping into a railing, El Rey almost losses his footing - which would essentially send him straight into the tar. Pivoting off, Rey forces his weight back, causing Jabroni to crumple under a makeshift senton. The move breaks the Nelson - from a grounded position, Jabroni tries to hang onto one arm - but El Rey throws enough elbows that he shakes him off. With Dinosaur Bones lumbering towards them, El Rey starts to find a new position for guerrilla warfare - only for Jabroni to grab his leg. The former NLW star is REALLY loyal to Bones' appetite. With Bones drawing ever closer, Rey just start kicking the shit out of Jabroni - desperately trying to force him to make a break. Jabroni takes the beating, not letting go. He knows what awaits failure, and is worried if he gets eaten by Bones again - all those guys he abandoned in the Technodrome might want revenge.
Sylvia Starr: Bones charging in - goes for a BITE-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Don't do that Bonsey! If you eat him, he'll retain!
Sylvia Starr: NO! El Rey matrixing under the large mouth-
It looks really cool, until the champion trips over Jabroni. Under the dracolich's feet - the two men roll around like luchadors in an effort to avoid being stepped on. Bones takes this as a challenge, trying to stomp faster! The end of the chain sequence sees the two of them by the railing again, with Jabroni once again holding a full nelson!
Al Jabroni: Here he is Oh Great One your meal is serv-
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Bones goes to win with a tail strike, only for Rey to slide out - leaving Jabroni to eat tail.
#Wilhelm Scream#
Al Jabroni is sent soaring through the air - before landing in the tar, while El Rey is free to creep off for another hiding space.
Sylvia Starr: I think it's safe to say that AL JABRONI has been eliminated!
The Dinosaur looks around for his prey.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
With his friends dead, the Harsh Winter Pilgrim goes on one last religious journey to the heart of Dinosaur Bones's left leg. He thinks he'll miss ARM815H1 MK.69 most of all. Labouring under the impression they were all murdered by the Mecha Rankor, HWP treats this as a one way trip - approaching some foul looking locals.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Excuse me brothers, is this where the joint to operate the left knee is located?
Mayor McKneecap: Indeed it is good sir! Our fair city attracts tourists from far and wide the INSIDE to get a gander at our glorious golden joint!
The Mayor points at a line - there has to be a hundred people already waiting. The city shakes, like El Rey just hit Dinosaur Bones with a dropkick to the knee before hiding again. Has the title fight begun?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I hate to trouble you, but might I cut in line? I am on a most urgent mission from God.
The looks from the fellow pilgrims suggest no cuts. Stones from the buildings above continue to fall down, the sky crumbling as El Rey reigns down dropkick after dropkick.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
El Rey is able to five off twelve rapid fire knife-edge chops to the leg, before Bones can notice. The moment Bones DOES notice, El Rey avoids a bite and once again scampers off into the shadows. Has he figured out the attack pattern? It's less Assassin's Creed and more Dark Souls.
Zoran Sainovic: My boy continuing to run and gun- Bones doesn't know what hit him!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Well partner, I reckon Bonesy doesn't know a lot of things, but it's never stopped him from eating 'em.
Sylvia Starr: I'm just impressed that you two have avoided helping your respective friends, and managed to stay on commentary.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm a professional.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: And I'm too old to be messing around in a tar pit. Who has the time to wash that crud off?
Zoran Sainovic: Besides, Rey has zis in hand.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Until he's in mouth.
El Rey repeatedly stomps on Bones tail, staying behind the monster in a blind spot. The first forty or so stomps go unnoticed, but when the Dread Lord finally feels something he's so enraged he rips a lamp post out of the ground to use as a club. Sparks fly, as the electrical cords are severed. The lamp goes out, allowing Rey to roll out of harms way and find another hiding space, but Bones continues to swig his club.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
GHOST PUMPKIN FEST.
The Village of Pizza Hut Boxopolis is celebrating its annual pumpkin harvest, in which they hope to grow enough gourds to make it through another year being slowly digested. The former Buzz Lightyear, now Jim Nothingofnote owing to how often he transforms due to consuming questionable meats - is strolling down the cardboard strewn sidewalk when he accidentally steps on a ferret creature.
"Eek."
Never willing to pass up a good mystery meat, when faced with the quest of will you eat this? The answer has to be yes. So Jim chows down, and-
Jim Nothingofnote: Ughhhh...
Transforms into...
Tongo the Transformer: Argh.
Could this be the beginning of an origin story?
AMG: Put that creature down, you oaf!
Kudor: Rarrraaahnu!
The Uncanny Murder Hobo Express - whose Yellow Team line-up consists of AMG, Kudor, Olympia, Träcy, Venöm, and Wiley Sharp - emerge from a large cardboard building that used to hold a deluxe pizza with extra mushrooms. Without the use of a wheelchair, Venöm has fixed his broken legs to an inflatable velociraptor - which bounces along like a bean bag.
Tongo the Transformer: Are you guys a sight for sore eyes! ....I thought the Rankor got you-
Happy to be reunited with the gang, Tongo starts to go for a hug - but AMG catches him in the side of the head with a stiletto.
AMG: Focus. My minions have been chasing rumours of this snipe The Silver Snipe is apparently located in this greasy paper mill. It is rare enough that there might only be one in existence-
Wiley Sharp: Are you going to finish those testicles?
Tongo the Transformer (holding out ferret): Be my guest-
Kudor: Naaaaanuaaaan.
Träcy: ...That certainly looks like the snipe.
Venöm: My tracking skills pay off again!
Everyone beats up Tongo.
AMG: You just HAVE to stick ever slab of beef you see in your mouth!
Tongo the Transformer: I'm really sorry-
The prison beating continues... hopefully they don't pulverize Tongo into a steak, because then he might eat himself.
"waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
The shrill cry.... comes from another ferret mourning the half-eaten corpse of the first one. The Murder Hobos stop dead in their Tongo beating tracks, to observe this second critter.
Kudor: baaaaahaaaaanu.
Träcy: Two of them.
Venöm: Well... now that the male is dead, it's not like they were going to repopulate the species.
AMG: GET HER MY MINIONS!
The Murder Hobo Express charge towards the silver snipe, scarring it into scampering off... into a Lower Decks tote bag.
Star Trekker: Mission accomplished.
Tying off her bag, the former Crystal Skull champion claims the spoils.
AMG: RELEASE THE VERMIN!
Kudor: naaaaannnnnnnannnne.
Träcy: Kudor is right, it doesn't matter who claims the reward - getting that creature to the Wizard could help all of us. I miss my family. So I hope you'll put the community first, over your own petty, selfish, childish, short sighted desires.
Star Trekker: In the late 24th century we have evolved past such ego trips. No, it is not for me that I keep this creature from your leader, but the PRIME DIRECTIVE.
Träcy: You bit-
Star Trekker: Hostile primitives. Cover fire!
Before Träcy can rip Trekker a new one, Tripp Tucker and Malcolm Reed pop up from behind a giant Hawaiian pizza box, and start to shoot phasers - actually Roman candles. They are still incredibly annoying. The Murder Hobos fight through the burning pain, and attack the Star Fleet contingent. As the group brawl wildly, the Murder Hobos numbers start to press an advantage. Eventually Kudor manages to pry the sack from the Star Trekker's hand.
Kudor: blllllllllllllaaaah.
The alien backflips around ever single person involved in this scuffle, before landing next to Trekker - who he hands the sack back to. Backwards. Circular motions. Not understanding the culture, Olympia attacks Kudor for the betrayal - only to find the blue monster quite adept at biting people while retreating.
Star Trekker: To the defiant!
Venöm: Call that a knife-
Doing his best Paul Hogan impression, Venöm hops on his dinosaur bouncing sack over to Trekker with a threatening knife. Not caring for these primitive weapons, Trekker starts to had over the snipe when.
"别挡我的路,混蛋们"
Lili - crystal skull on head - rides Venöm's stolen wheelchair like a bat out of hell into the two of them. The impact knocks the knife out of Venöm's hand. The giant panda ushers in the Murder Hobo's Blue Team. ARM815H1 MK.69. Al Cole Hall. King Edmund IV & Mutt all charge Ito the fray - or send Mutt for them.
Star Trekker: Where I come from, we have medical technology to take care of that-
Venöm: What does that mea-?
Looking down, Trekker has picked up Venöm's knife and used it to Mae small incisions on his dinosaur ball's legs. Now the Raptor is deflating at the ankles, and much like Venöm looks immobile. Venöm is left double lame. Not recognizing Buzz Lightyear's new form - ARM815H1 MK.69 and Tongo are tearing out one another's throats... and having more Murder Hobos present has just added to the in-fighting.
Wiley Sharp: I could go for another one.
Wiley Sharp finishes the silver snipe's testicles. HP/MP restored! ...but you're still hungry.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
Bones continues to swing the lamp pole around as a club.
Dinosaur Bones: THERE IS A SIZZLER DOWN THE BLOCK, WHAT SAY WE FORGET ABOUT THIS MISUNDERSTANDING AND ASSIGN A RATING TO THEIR WAIT STAFF OUT OF FIVE?
Wait for it... Bones then beats the shit out a bush he thinks might be Rey. Losing his temper, the dracolich bellows.
Dinosaur Bones: IF YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK YOU ARE A CHICKEN, THAT IS JUST MAKING ME MORE HUNGRY! ...I AM JUST TRYING TO REUNITE YOU WITH YOUR FLESHLING PARENTS!
Hitting a nerve, Bones smiles as an enraged El Rey dives out of the bushes and runs towards him. That might just be how Bones face looks. Waiting for the pitch, Bones swings his club at the encroaching El Rey - only to have the actual junior leap onto the post, then jump off it with a knee strike to the jaw. Landing back on the post, Rey leap frogs over a bite attempt, hooks a leg across Bones neck - and goes for a TRIUMPH. Momentum sending Bones towards the tar - the dracolich needs to use his post as a cane to avoid falling forwards.
Zoran Sainovic: Shouldn't have brought up ze biological "parents."
Sylvia Starr: El Rey taking it too Bones, dodging claws while throwing stiff knee strikes - I've never seen him this fired up. Bones slipping backwards towards the tar - but being held up by a guard rail.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: A lucky shot - when Bones gets his footing back, one good tail strike is going to send that runt packing.
Jumping into the guardrail, El Rey springboards off with a forearm strike that takes Bones down to a knee. He then charges in with a slinger splash that makes Bones lean so hard into the guard rail, it breaks off- falling into the tar below.
Sylvia Starr: That railing was the only thing keeping Bones up-
Zoran Sainovic: Of course, if Rey can beat me- zere isn't a man, woman, or dinosaur in ze XHF zat can beat him.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: I don't much care for the looks of this-
Sylvia Starr: E-Reytio Variation 2!!!
Running into the down Bones, El Rey grabs his neck and flips over- it isn't pretty but he drags both over the edge towards the tar pit-
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
The falling rubble from the war outside sends the last fifty pilgrims scattering for safety. Using the chaos as an excuse to move forward, Harsh Winter Pilgrim shaves a few hours off his wait, arriving at the golden joint that connects Dinosaur Bones left leg.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Lord guide my hand-
Is that a crank? HWP starts to roll the crank, hoping to set up a murderous kick.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
Zoran Sainovic: Did zey both go in?
A camera races to the edge, only to find Bones and Rey struggling to stay on a rock face just above the sticky black finish. The two continue to trade shots, El Rey completely abandoning character to heroically take vengeance for his parents WHO WERE EATEN BY THE LIZARD.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: You got this Bones! 43 and 0!
Sylvia Starr: Both participants brawling away, with Bones shorter arms letting Rey hit more combinations- not to mention those vicious knees!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Sure miss, but only one of them is made of flesh - and Rey is looking pretty pulverized to me.
Zoran Sainovic: What? Your favourite is doing better because he already looks dead? Do you even hear yourself?
Bones doesn't have the same ability to lunge, like his left leg was firmly planted in the ground. He can react, but forward movement is difficult. Gravel gives way under their feet, both men sliding closer and closer to the tar as they continue to brawl. Rey refusing to act like the little man in the scenario, ad out for whatever passes as blood. Running out of room, Bones desperately swings his tail - which connects... then tries to make up the distance only to run right into a-
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Sylvia Starr: SLICED BREAD!!!!!
The impact sends the dracolich falling towards the tar-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
Putting his working right leg out, Bones stands on the previously displaced guardrail - using it as a step to avoid the tar. Smelling blood, El Rey charges down and dives into-
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Sylvia Starr: SOCIETY KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Zoran lets out a disappointed groan.
Sylvia Starr: NO! Bones catching Rey in his mouth - just biting the hell out of his ribs.
Shaking his head like a torture rack, Bones makes sure to chew out any bravery that El Rey possessed.
Sylvia Starr: RELEASE BITE-PLEX!
A bite suplex. Dinosaur Bones spits El Rey out, not finding him half as appetizing as his parents. The goal is to toss the young fleshing into the tar, but unfortunately Rey lands on the model of a wooly mammoth.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
Ghost Pumpkin Fest.
Both Murder Hobo Teams, and the Away Team have found themselves under siege by zombie vegetables. ...But I'm getting dirty looks from the admin team, so just pretend that wasn't your favourite part, because we aren't paying attention to it.
Amidst the chaos, Mutt wanders up to Lili carrying a new born swaddled in a cotton blanket.
King Edmund IV: I require a new crown, so have seen fit to trading this human baby for the insignificant bauble you wear on the furry bubble you call a head.
Lili: 我愿意用我的右睾丸作为人类婴儿零食!
King Edmund IV: Yes. I am magnanimous.
The giant panda can't remember the last time she feasted on human baby, and happily hands the Crystal Skull over to Mutt. Mutt carries it back to the monarch.
Winner of this Negotiation: King Edmund IV
Spoils: Crystal Skull Championship
King Edmund IV: Hurry you worthless fool.
Mutt and Edmund start to leave, as Lili bites into her delicious baby boy - rather starchy. Another pumpkin! And this one isn't even a zombie that can feel pain.
Lili: 你欺骗了我!
Uh oh. The angry Panda starts to wheel at high speeds towards the tricksters-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Only to have a stick shoved in the wheel.
The wheelchair stops, with Lili sent flying out - pinning Trekker to the ground, who promptly drops the silver snipe in lower deck tote bag.
Using the stick to pull himself up, Venöm places his now crippled balloon dinosaur steed into the wheel chair, as the dinosaur needs it too. Now both Venöm and Raptor are in the chair, like some sort of horrible Voltron figure.
Venöm: Game on.
Lili rises wanting to get the chair back, only for Venöm to shoot her full of tranquilizers. The panda falls backwards, this time crushing Olympia and Sharp.
Speeding forward, Venöm picks up the bag.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
On his wooly mammoth, Rey looks like he's bleeding out.
Dinosaur Bones is still having mobility problems with his left leg, but does manage to jump over to the mammoth platform himself.
Al Jabroni: That... was... awful...
Covered in tar, Jabroni slowly crawls up onto the mammoth.
Dinosaur Bones: ...
Unfortunately Bones can't tell humans apart, and thinking that Jabroni MIGHT be Rey, promptly swallows his minion.
Sylvia Starr: Nasty way to go.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm more concerned about Bones, you have any idea what kind of diseases Jabroni has?
Sylvia Starr: You can joke, but you aren't fooling anyone- Rey is at that devil's mercy.
Zoran Sainovic: Zese zings happen. ....Zere is always a cost for beating ze boss.
So evil.
Dinosaur Bones: Mmmmmmmph.
Sadly, the tar on Jabroni has acted like peanut butter, sealing Bones mouth shut. Unable to rend the champion apart again with a bite, Bones stomps on him a few times, until- his leg seizes up.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
Sweat drips off the Harsh Winter Pilgrim as he continues to work the crank, hoping to deliver Rey a death blow.
MEANWHILE.... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
On the wooly mammoth, Dinosaur Bones suddenly finds his left leg moving backwards like he was going to commit some massive punt.
Sylvia Starr: If he's going to kick Rey off, he should do it - there is no need to be so theoretical.
Holding his stomach with one arm like it was the only thing holding in his guts, Rey rises with an uppercut. Then an elbow. Then a forearm. It is hard throwing strikes without further opening the bite marks, but even barely standing he fights away. Mouth tarred shut, leg climbing further to the heavens, Dinosaur Bones has no defence against this assault.
Zoran Sainovic: Well... zis is unfortunate.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Looks like demonic possession - fight through it Bones!
Sylvia Starr: El Rey fighting against the odds, an actually cruiserweight fighting against the weight equivalent of twenty men and maybe just as many ghosts - but he's doing it! Bones is barely hanging on - the tail is the only thing keeping him up- Rey has this-
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Somewhere Harsh Winter Pilgrim lets go of a release lever.
Sylvia Starr: CRANE KICK!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Right on the kisser!
The impact of the massive kick knocks El Rey off the mammoth, down into the tar.
Sylvia Starr: And with that El Rey is eliminated!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Bones wins! First global shot, and we were a natural!
Sylvia Starr: Yes, but which member of Bones will win? There are still members to be eliminated-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Dangnabit. So Bonsey is gonna have to take a tar plunge? Zoran you lying dawg-
Zoran Sainovic: What is he doing.
With one tiny arm, Bones clears away enough tar to open his mouth. With the other, he lifts El Rey out of the tar - the former Champion is only partially covered. Enough to be eliminated, but not enough to be unappetizing.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Looks like it's feeding time.
Zoran Sainovic: Zis is unacceptable.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Ha, yah can't win 'em all, Zoran!
Zoran Sainovic: Ze match clearly stipulated zat to win, Bones could not eat Rey. Zis is a breach of contract.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: So the kid gets a little more roughed up than you were planing, those are the breaks when you mess with the bull.
Abandoning the announce position, Zoran Sainovic starts to charge closer to the tar pit. Stokes tries to cut the commissioner off, only to get stabbed for his troubles.
Sylvia Starr: You had to know these two would get involved at some point... though maybe hoped Bill would come out better. Can we get a paramedic over here?
In the tar pit, Bones scrapes some of the black substance off of Rey's leg.
Dinosaur Bones: NOW THAT THE CONTRACT HAS BEEN FULFILLED, TIME FOR A REUNION...
The dracolich starts to put Rey in his mouth, only for Zoran to ram into body with a body block that sends all three into the pit.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST!
The world suddenly turns at a 70 degree angle.
Something terrible wrong is going on.
Venöm collects the silver snipe again - only to have his wheels cause him to fall backwards. Fortunately Tongo is big enough I his current transforming state to keep Venöm fro rolling into a bed of man eating ghost pumpkins. Reaching out, Venöm catches Träcy to keep her from meeting a similar fate - only the monetary act of heroism leaves him open to a tote bag snatch.
Star Trekker (checking on silver snipe): The planet has become unstable. Three to beam out!
Buildings start to collapse, as the Murder Hobo Express huddle together - waiting for the end.
MEANWHILE.... OUTSIDE THE BEAST!
Dinosaur Bones lies halfway submerged in tar. El Rey is in his mouth. Zoran is holding the jaws open with his legs.
Zoran Sainovic: Sorry about zis Rey...
Dinosaur Bones: MMMMMMMMM-
Zoran Sainovic: Struggling to keep legs open.
Dinosaur Bones: Mmmmmmm-
Zoran Sainovic: You should know better zan zis, Bones.
Leaning forwards, Zoran lifts Rey up- with the former champion out of his throat, Bones is able to move his jaw further, almost hallowing the two men.
Dinosaur Bones: ONL IGHI NEVIBL.
Zoran Sainovic: You try to play me? I don't suffer fools.
Grunting, Zoran tosses Rey to the safety of the mammoth.
Zoran Sainovic (nodding at Rey): You did great, son.
SNAP.
Dinosaur Bones closes his jaw. Zoran is able to get his legs out in time, but is now standing on Bones closed mouth. And there are only two possible exits.
Dinosaur Bones: ANY LAST WORDS... APE?
Zoran Sainovic (shaking head): You'll NEVER take me, savage...
Reaching into his coat pockets, Sainovic pulls out two GUNS.
Zoran Sainovic: ...NOT WHILE I HAVE MY KNIFE PISTOLS!
Firing, Zoran shoots two blades down into Bones eye cavities. This causes the beast to scream in rage - but not for Zoran to get away, as both monsters plunge down into the tar pits.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes (coughing up blood from the stabbing): BONES!
Sylvia Starr: OH MY- they both went under!
You expect them to suddenly emerge, to at least fight the horrible fate - but all that emerges are bubbles - before a stillness overtakes the beckoning darkness.
Sylvia Starr (trying to no sell the possible death they just witnessed): Uh, Dr. Doofenshmirtz I assume all our participants have been under the tar pit now. Who was the last one eliminated?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz (looking in device) Wiley Sharp. Olympia. AMG. Marmaduke Matters. Buzz Lightbear. Tracy. Harsh Winter Pilgrim... Venom is under now, but he appears to have been the last-
"What am I? Tasha Yar?"
The camera pans over to Paramount +'s Star Trekker - who has apparently beamed out of the beast at the last minute.
Star Trekker (wearing a tank top): Do you see any tar on me?
Sylvia Starr: You were on the roll call, so the winner of this match, and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, DINOSAUR BONES' STAR TREKKER!
The Trekker collects his strap.
....Unfortunately while she is putting it on, the silver snipe eats a hole through her tote bag. The trouble with tribbles.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall, and is your MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! And it is for the XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP!
*The lights dim, blue and gold spotlights slowly circle around the darkened arena. The haunting vocal intro to “The Hard Sell” by Coheed and Cambria plays. The tron has come to life when the lights dimmed and displays "And now … The XHF Network presents … its MAIN ATTRACTION!" A foot shatters the screen as the guitar rocks the arena. DT slowly walks into a blue spotlight on the stage with his head down hidden under a hoodie. It's black and has his custom interlocking DT logo with an Italian flag and mariners compass on it on the back. He stands in the spotlight and slowly looks up showing off his signature bowler hat and sunglasses under the hood.
"I'm paranoid and sick of this world's misconception of things I did. My language poured across this wrist in a metaphoric disaster.
My guess, I'm missing out the punch line, unless this hanging noose is fitted to be all mine..."
He slowly pushes the hood back revealing a serious face as he lowers his sunglasses before pulling them off and placing them in his hoodie pocket as he gazes around the cozy arena. The spotlights turn into one tracking light following him to the ring as he high fives the fans along the entryway.
Bonnie Jenkins: Making his way to the ring, hailing from the emerald city of Seattle, Washington, standing at 6'4" and weighing in at 260 pounds, he is the Master of the Dragon Sleeper … one half of the longest reigning former XHF Global Tag Team Champions, Top of the Class … and your only 2 time End of Days winner, winner of the 2023 End of Days Tournament … “The Main Attraction” ... DEATH TRAP!
"I stood by everything I loved, while you never understood me much. Cuz there's only ONE of ME and TOO MANY of YOU fighting over nothing. There's never enough cool for everyone, and before you know it? You're selling out to be in."
He unzips the hoodie as he moves towards the ring and drops the hoodie to the floor as he reaches the ring steps. He stops on the ring steps to look out at the crowd. He climbs to the apron and spins, hooking his arms over the top rope. A blue spotlight illuminates DT in the ring as the crowd erupts for the XHF Legend. The Xtremetron shows “Top of the Class, Cream of the Crop.” He points out to the crowd and amps them up before stepping through the middle rope and running to the opposite side, grasping the top rope as he steps onto the bottom rope and points out at the crowd again. He steps to the center of the ring and removes his hat, tossing it to the timekeeper, before stretching on the ropes and cracking his neck and knuckles, waiting for the bell.*
Hawke: Well here he is, the only two time End of Days winner, Death Trap, looking to join that elusive 3-time X*Crown champ club.
Randy: Yes but Cross is fresh and Death Trap has been through four brutal matches … and some crises of conscience … and his leg being as solid as a toothpick!
Hawke: It is indeed going to be a difficult go for the XHF Legend.
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. whilst the HKW World Heavyweight Championship is produly displayed around his waist.
The crowd responds with a cavalcade of boos and jeers. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Bonnie Jenkins: Coming to the ring, standing at six feet and one inch, and weighing in at 230 pounds, hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada.... and the self-proclaimed 'Box Office Smash of the XHF NETWORK'..... he is the current reigning and defending XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION … 'THE FOX' CROSS RECOBA!!
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lions head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match.
Randy: And there is the new X*Crown champion. Here making his first defense against the EOD winner.
Hawke: And Death Trap really wanted to win this to take the title off his newfound rival, Bloodied Fox. But Cross beat him to the punch.
Randy: Well let’s see if he’s a flash in the pan or if he is up to snuff! *snorts sake …* OH GOD THAT WAS A MISTAKE!
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
One Fall Match
"The Main Attraction" Death Trap vs. "The XHF Box Office Smash" Cross Recoba (c)
DING DING DING!
Referee Bill Flamingo calls for the bell and the two men begin to circle one another. Cross immediately shoots in with a feint. DT immediately dodges back. Recoba simply chuckles to himself as he taps his own left leg and stretches it. Death Trap smirks back and acknowledges the brace on his knee but then bounces back and forth between his feet to show that he is not going to let it hamper him. They begin to circle again. A collar and elbow tie-up follows and the larger wrestler, DT, gets the quick advantage. He begins to drive Cross back towards the ropes. But Recoba kicks him in the left knee and breaks the grapple before hitting a deep arm drag. Driving a quick elbow to the back of the neck, the champ backs off as his challenger wheels around quick and pops to his feet, right leg first. Charging in, the Main Attraction gets taken for another ride with a hip toss that flows right into a sleeper hold on the seated former champ. A quick reach to the ropes with the right foot causes Bill Flamingo to get Cross to break the hold. Which he does … at four. Mistress pounds on the mat to inspire her man as Cross backs to the middle of the ring, hands up in innocence.
Randy: Well Cross is using his speed to get moves off quicker and assert control on Death Trap.
Hawke: And he’s already using that leg to his advantage.
Death Trap pulls himself up on the ropes and flexes his neck and leg. He huffs in annoyance before putting up his guard again. This time it’s the champ that shoots in quick. Splaying back, DT manages to block the double leg. Using all his strength, DT manages to pull Cross up and hits a gut-wrench suplex. He floats over and uses his full weight to hold Cross down while grinding his forearm into the nose and mouth of the champ. Cross manages to swing his legs up and catch the left arm of DT and pull him off balance enough to roll out of harm’s way. The Fox pops to his feet and attacks only to eat a high roundhouse for his trouble. The submission expert then pounces and locks in a buffalo sleeper on the champ.
Hawke: And control again swings. These two are two of the best mat technicians in the XHF so this could quickly become a war of attrition.
Randy: Well normally that would favor DT and his stamina, but he’s gone through four grueling matches and has some easy targets. I think the only loser here may be my alcohol supply.
As Randy sips from his silly straw into a tankard of ale, Death Trap is trying to torque the shoulder and neck of Cross off his body. Recoba manages to get his feet planted and pushes up. He grabs the head of his foe with his free hand and drops into a jaw breaker, freeing himself. Wasting little time, the box office smash rolls to his feet and charges in for a chop block. The Main Attraction manages to avoid it by moving his leg out of the way and on the rebound, he swings for the Hard Sell back roundhouse. Recoba manages to skid to a stop just short of eating a boot to the face. Unfortunately the stall allows DT to plant his feet and hit a standing front dropkick to the sternum. The Seattle Sensation then follows up by kipping up, weight mostly on his right leg, and grabbing the legs of his opponent and locking in a torture half crab!
Hawke: A favorite move of DT from his time in MCCW, this move is mainly meant to put immense pressure on the hip and knee.
Randy: If you can’t stand, you can’t fight. He just wants a level playing field.
Hawke: Both of these men are going to try and get the ultimate satisfaction of tapping the other out. This could be a very methodical match.
Showing little emotion to make sure not to give his Seattle-born foe the satisfaction, Cross begins to work his way out of the hold. He squirms and tries to roll to relieve the pressure on his hip. DT stands to readjust and the champ takes advantage by kicking at the left knee with his free leg. The submission machine releases the hold to stumble away and make sure not to take any unnecessary damage. Bill Flamingo backs DT off to check on Recoba, but the Fox is to his feet quickly and stomps out his right leg and laughs a bit. He gives a look that oozes confidence and mimes rolling up his cuffs before he tells the ref he’s good to go. Flamingo waves them back at each other and Cross runs off the ropes. DT leapfrogs him, then dives to the mat letting Cross hurdle him before he pops to his feet looking for a back drop driver. The wily champion however skids to a halt and sends a huge kick to the chest of the challenger before hitting a huge standing dropkick to the man. As the master of the dragon sleeper stumbles, Cross follows and hits another dropkick which sends DT to the ropes. Recoba pounces on the legs of his foe and upends him over the top rope and to the floor.
Hawke: OH! Those dropkicks are finding their mark on the Main Attraction! Death Trap is down to the outside!
Randy: And Cross isn’t done!
Bill Flamingo begins to count out DT. As soon as Recoba sees Death Trap begin to rise to his knees, he charges to the ropes and looks to leap over for the million lira dropkick, but he stops when Dr. Chaos charges in between them to check on DT and give him a sip of water. Cross looks at Flamingo but Bill says he’ll allow it. The X*Crown champ takes a step back and shrugs before he again moves to the ropes to dropkick them both! Boos erupt from the crowd until Mistress Discipline strides in between her manager and the man in the ring. With a smirk, Cross just backs off and tells Flamingo to count faster. At five DT climbs to the apron. Recoba makes a move for a suplex into the ring but Death Trap blocks it and drops Cross’s neck on the top rope with a guillotine before launching a shoulder through the middle ropes and into the gut of the champ. He rears back and goes again but Cross dodges and kicks him with a punt right to the throat. Death Trap begins to cough and grab at his windpipe and the champ uses this to pull him into the ring and drop him with a DDT. He then rolls into a pin.
ONE!
TW-kickout from the CAR superstar.
Hawke: A good series of attacks from Cross. He seemed wary about getting Mistress Discipline involved in any way.
Randy: She’s brutal man, do you blame him?
The champ rises to his feet and begins to rain boots down to the neck of DT. The former champ flinches in pain before reacting to roll out of the way. He rolls over and Cross grabs that left leg and hooks in the half crab. Making a seat out of the lumbar region of the Seattle Spine, the champ has the challenger yelling in agony. Cross begins to undo the brace on the knee. Bill Flamingo jumps in to tell him off.
Cross Recoba: Where in the rules does it say I can’t remove his clothing?
Flamingo is having none of it and tells him to cut it out. Cross relents and just deepens the hold. As soon as the ref drops down to ask DT if he’s going to quit, Cross goes back to the brace and begins to unstrap it. Flamingo however was prepared for this and forcibly removes the knee from his hand and in doing so, breaks the submission. Recoba now gets right in the ref’s face but the ref doesn’t back down. While Recoba remarks about allowing people to stop his attack on DT but not allowing him to just work a body part, DT surges to his right leg and grabs Cross from behind and locks in a standing dragon sleeper!
Randy: You thought you could argue with the ref without consequence? A FOOLISH MISCALCULATION! And that’s bingo on my bingo card for the night.
Hawke: What?
Randy: I win, Joey.
Hawke: What do you wi-
Randy: MORE BOOZE! *a stagehand brings him a tequila sunrise.*
DT kneels down and plants the knee in the spine of Cross as he torques the hold. Thinking quickly, Recoba pushes off the mat and flips behind DT and drags him into a dragon sleeper of his own! However, being the self-proclaimed master of the move, Death Trap quickly spins in the hold so he is now in a guillotine style hold but with one of Cross’s arms hooked in his own. He then flips the champ with a belly to belly overhead release suplex! Cross lands hard on his back and skids on the mat. He sits up and DT goes off the ropes and comes at him for the shining wizard!
Randy: BREAKDOWN!
Hawke: NO! Cross ducked back at the last second!
Indeed, DT misses the right knee to the head as Cross lies back down. DT rolls to his feet as Cross rolls to the ropes and ducks underneath, looking back at DT in astonishment.
Death Trap: Doesn’t take a stable base to leave my feet and hit you with my good leg, bro.
Cross Recoba: So it would seem.
Cross slides under the ropes and back into the ring. He rises to his feet and holds his cervical spine from that landing. In a flash of inspiration, and with a smirk on his face, Cross charges in again. DT again goes for the Hard Sell, but this time, the champ slides underneath with a sliding dropkick to the planted left leg and DT crumples in a heap to the mat. He grabs his leg in pain as Cross immediately snatches it and hits a grounded dragon screw. He maintains the grip on the leg and rolls to his feet. He pulls the leg up and hits an awkward looking dragon screw that DT seems to resist more this time.
Hawke: Oh that was devious.
Randy: What happened?
Hawke: He used the dragon screw to hide from the ref that he was unhooking that brace.
Indeed as DT scoots away from Cross, we see the Box Office Smash walk to the ropes as Bill Flamingo checks on DT. And as soon as the ref isn’t looking, the brace is sent sailing into the crowd. DT complains to the ref as the crowd boos the champ. DT rises to his feet and hobbles a bit on the leg. Cross charges in and DT lifts the leg out of the way of a chop block attempt, but on the rebound, Cross spears the back of the left knee with a shoulder anyway. He immediately scoops the leg up and into a high angle single leg crab! DT slams his hand on the mat in pain again and begins to try and pull to the ropes. The champ however plants a boot on the back of the neck of the challenger and grinds it as he holds the submission. Death Trap, thinks quickly and grabs the leg on his neck and torques the hell out of it to get the champ to fall down. He slides back to the ropes and uses them to pull to a vertical base, keeping his left foot off the mat. Cross lifts an eyebrow and charges in again. DT goes for that high roundhouse but the plant leg gives out and Cross leaps over him as he crumbles, lands on the ropes, and springs off with an elbow drop to the back of the neck. He then stacks DT in a figure 4 jackknife pin.
ONE!
TWO!
Behind the ref’s back, a hand reaches into the ring and shoves Cross breaking the pin as the pile falls to the side.
Randy: Mistress Discipline just broke the pin without anyone seeing it!
Hawke: Yes but what are the odds Cross didn’t FEEL that?
Pounding the mat in annoyance, The Box Office Smash retreats to the corner and spies the women on the outside. He points to them and yells to stay away from the ring. They both put a hand over their mouth in mock outrage over being called out! The Fox turns his attention back to the challenger. As he tries to get to his feet, DT is dumped over the top rope to the floor again by a exploder suplex over the top rope. The champ grabs his back from the strain of lifting the heavier DT that violently. But the challenger is crumpled in a heap on the outside. Cross slides under the bottom rope and lands on the neck of DT with a version of a double stomp before he walks to the steel steps. Dr. Chaos leaps to the apron and begins to yell at Flamingo for allowing this. As Cross sees this he instinctively grasps his titanium cane on the steel steps and turns to face DT who is crawling away. He suddenly swings the cane to his side and catches Mistress in the stomach as she attempts an attack from behind. Cross spins and places the lion head under her chin.
Cross Recoba: You really should wait your turn. I’ll have your boy toy crawling back to you crying soon enough.
He shoves her away and places the cane on the steps before turning back to DT. DT however turns and shoves Cross off of him and spine first into the steps.
Randy: Well Cross stopped the interference of Mistress, but DT bought himself some time.
Hawke: Indeed. But DT is in a bad way. He needs a bigger surge to turn this around.
Death Trap thinks quick and uses the apron to pull to his feet and roll under the ropes as Bill Flamingo counts three. He then rolls back under the ropes and grabs the head of the champ. He hits a pair of clinch knee strikes before slamming Cross’s face off the steel steps. On the rebound, DT catches Cross and slams him backwards, back of his neck striking the stairs. Hopping on one leg, DT pulls his foe to his feet and sends him under the bottom rope. As the ref counts five, DT climbs the steps, gingerly. Death Trap steps through the middle rope, but as he does Cross dives onto the rope and lands on it with his chest. The rebound comes up and trips up DT who spills into the ring. Cross grabs his bad leg and handstands up before dropping both knees onto the exposed knee. He then stacks up a pin!
ONE! Cross sneakily puts his feet on the ropes.
TWO! Chaos runs by and knocks them off the rope.
TH-DT kicks out.
Randy: The champ trying to steal one there, but again was stopped by the ladies of the DT fan club.
Hawke: It is nice that DT’s entire fan club is here at ringside for him...
Cross, now fuming mad, shouts at Chaos to go to the back. He then grabs Death Trap’s legs and looks to set up the Scorpion Ankle Lock! Death Trap struggles and fights it and manages to kick Cross back. But the champ hits the ropes, rebounds and hits a running knee drop to the knee of DT and then grabs the leg again. He manages to cross the legs of DT but the challenger resists being turned over into the hold. He instead uses his strength to pull his legs toward him in a crunch, and catches the champ in a small package.
ONE!
Kickout by Cross.
Death Trap now grabs the ropes as he rolls away. Pulling to his feet, he steps away from the ropes as Cross kips up to his own feet. He charges in with a feint, DT reacts as last time by lifting his right leg to kick. But he grimaces and stops himself. Cross now shoots in. … And DT clobbers him with the roundhouse black mass kick … with his left foot. Cross’s neck snaps to the side in a horrific fashion as he crumbles.
Hawke: HOLY SHIT! The Hard Sell with the injured leg as the weapon.
Death Trap: I can kick with both legs, asshole.
Randy: Well that was not expected. Ambidextrous kicker!
Hawke: And apparently the force of impact is not as painful as the force of the torque of using his whole weight on the leg.
Death Trap grabs the arm of Cross and hooks it, locking in the omoplata crossface.
Randy: Seattle Stretch! He wants to put some serious strain on that neck of the champ!
DT howls at Cross to tap out. Cross simply grits his teeth and grunts in pain. He begins to slowly use his legs to drag himself toward the ropes. He inches closer and closer. DT however pulls the head of Cross and rolls them over and back into the crossface in the middle of the ring. Left with little option, Cross reaches his free hand towards DT, he manages to pull his extended arm close enough that he can reach DT with an eye gouge, and rakes the eyes hard. Death Trap releases the hold and grabs at his face. The champ rolls away and holds his neck in pain.
Hawke: Cross got out of it with less than savory methods.
Randy: SO he gets a talking to from the ref, he is still the champ.
DT slowly climbs to his feet and stumbles to the corner, holding his face. Cross is slow to his feet. He shakes out the cobwebs and stalks the Seattle superstar. DT stumbles towards Cross. High angle German suplex on the back of the neck! He bridges!
ONE!
TW-DT kicks out.
Cross holds the grip and pulls the heavier star to his feet. German Suplex! Cross release the grip and laughs.
Cross Recoba: How’s that neck, Dave?
Indeed, the Main Attraction is holding his neck in agony. Cross however takes this as a sign and grabs the legs of DT and twists them into a pretzel. He rolls DT over and gets the Scorpion Ankle Lock locked in!
Hawke: LUPARA BIANCA! It might be over!
Randy: Like DT knows when to give up.
DT again yells out in pain and begins to use his arms to try and drag the smaller Cross to the ropes. Cross however plants that foot on the neck of DT and forces it to the mat hard. He holds the boot there and just grinds it on the neck as he torques the scorpion ankle lock. DT however will not tap out. He grits his teeth and pounds a fist to the mat and continues to try and drag. The champ can feel that meditation state of DT’s kicking in as the sounds of pain begin to soften and the man is laser focused on the ropes. Cross removes the foot and drags him to the middle of the ring and knees on the neck this time. DT growls and yells out a firm no when asked to submit.
Cross Recoba: Is it really worth it to be crippled, Dave? Just give up. It’s going to happen anyway.
Death Trap: Fuck off you hack!
Cross Recoba: Well name calling is simply uncalled for.
DT continues to use his arms to drag himself. However the hold has been on a long time. But with Cross kneeling on his neck, the hold is not as locked in as when he was upright. DT manages to use all his willpower and fortitude to force his right leg free and kick Cross on the way back to break the hold. DT immediately drags himself to the corner and grabs his leg in agony. Cross stalks him, smirk on his face. He pulls DT out of the corner … and gets a rolling elbow for his troubles. Spitting blood from his lip, Cross turns back and gets a chop to the chest from the man hopping on his right leg. A second chop and the crowd shouts WOO! Before a third can come, Cross snaps off a crisp kick to the left knee, and DT buckles and lands on that knee. Cross hooks him for a suplex and lifts him … BRAINBUSTER!
Hawke: HE GOT HIM WITH THE BRAINBUSTAHHHH!
Randy: DT is a resilient bastard but he is circling the drain here.
Cross pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-DT rolls the shoulder.
The Fox now is the one to check with the ref because certainly that was three. DT holds his neck in agony but the champ clicks his tongue and drags him, ever so slowly to his feet. BRAINBUSTER!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-DT just kicks free.
Cross … fumes. He stomps the neck of DT a few times and drags him up. EXPLODER 98!
Randy: LANSKY BALLROOM LOVE LETTER!
Hawke: Death Trap’s neck is eating a ton of punishment.
Cross pins.
ONE!
TWO!
Chaos grabs DT’s foot and puts it on the bottom rope and scampers. THRE-Bill Flamingo sees the leg and stops the count.
Cross leaps up and asks to have his hand raised but Flamingo shows him the foot. Recoba yells at him that clearly that wasn’t possible, someone put it there. But the ref assures him that HE is calling the match and it isn’t over. Recoba now grabs DT and hauls him to his feet, barely able to stand on his own. He sets up for another brainbuster … but DT blocks it with the leg wrapped on Cross. Cross lifts again but again gets blocked … suddenly DT grabs the leg of Cross and lifts him into the cradle position and quickly spikes him on the top of his head with the cradle DDT!
Hawke: MAIN ATTRACTION! But he’s too out of it to pin!
Randy: A double ten count serves Cross more than Death Trap.
Indeed, the impact finisher has severely damaged the neck and head of the champion. But DT is on the mat huddled in a fetal position with one hand on the back of his neck, the other on his left knee. Mistress Discipline is finally back in the realm of the living and sprints over to give him a pep talk. He is not hearing it. Cross begins to stir at six. At eight he has dragged himself to a corner. At nine he is vertical and DT is up to his knees. Flamingo waves off the count. Cross approaches DT and kicks him in the chest. Kicks him again. He then sends a knee to the face, sending DT to his back. He reaches in and the Main Attraction snaps his legs up and into the hanging double arm bar! Cross yells in pain as DT’s tree trunk legs begin to pull the shoulders from their sockets and put a ton of pressure on the neck. He yells out and refuses to submit. Summoning all his power, Cross manages to lift DT off the mat! He uses the corner to do a modified buckle bomb to get DT to lose his grip. A step away and soon Cross has DT hung from him and steps over the arms and into the Garibaldi’s Guillotine! Nobody ever escapes this on their own. DT is yelling in pain and refuses to tap. He silences himself and goes into that head space again. He reaches for the ropes. Cross sees how close he is and goes to move. Dr. Chaos leaps onto the apron again and Bill Flamingo goes to yell at her. Mistress’s hand reaches in and catches the foot of Cross who stumbles and falls forward losing the hold.
Randy: MISTRESS JUST FREED DT FROM CERTAIN DOOM!
Hawke: He was never escaping that move. But he’s been given a second chance here!
Cross is irate as he turns around. He charges Chaos, who drops from the apron and runs back up to the barricade. He then informs Bill Flamingo of the grabbing of his foot. Flamingo says he saw nothing. Cross, taking a deep breath, calms himself. He then goes over to DT and pulls him to a standing position. And hits a northern lights suplex! Bridge!
ONE!
TWO!
DT rolls the shoulder.
Shocked at this, the Box Office Smash pulls DT to his feet again … and eats a question mark kick to the face. Both men fall to their hands and knees. After a six count they both stand. A haymaker from DT. European uppercut from Cross. Clinching knee from DT. Rib kick from Cross. They both begin swinging wildly. Finally Cross kicks the left knee and DT goes to his knees. Snap suplex with floatover pin!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-NO! DT JUST rolls the shoulder.
Hawke: So close but DT just will not say die!
Randy: They are both low on energy.
Cross attempts for the scorpion ankle lock again but DT pulls him into a cradle!
ONE!
TWO!
Cross shifts his weight and the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
DT breaks the hold.
Both men are slow to their feet and another slugfest ensues. DT fires off that Hard Sell kick but Cross ducks and then looks for retaliation … but that left foot swings back with a roundhouse and catches the neck of the champ! Cross somehow stays standing and fires off a roundhouse of his own and catches the neck of DT. He then grabs DT and looks for a DDT but DT pulls himself free and hits a cutter!
Randy: CUT THE STRINGS!
DT slowly shoves Cross over and drapes the arm.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-No! A roll of the shoulder.
DT now pounds the mat in shock. He is slow to his feet. He moves to lock in the Death Trap! But Cross grabs the bottom rope and pulls away. DT forces Cross from the ropes and to his feet. Cross pokes him in the eye, spinning him around. A kick to the back of the left knee crumples DT. Cross hooks him for a German suplex! He lifts, and in midair rotates to slam him away from the ropes and shifts into a dragon suplex from that high angle, slamming DT on the back of his neck again!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DT kicks at 3.1!
Bill Flamingo calls for the bell! It’s Over! DT didn’t kick out in time!
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOUR WINNER BY PINFALL …. AND STILL! YOUR XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION … CROSS RECOBA!
Randy: HE DID IT! Cross retains!
Hawke: Even making history wasn’t enough to get DT that elusive third reign.
Both men stay down for an uncomfortably long time. Cross finally crawls to his feet. DT is in shock. He sits up and shows 2 fingers to Flamingo. Bill shows him 3 and apologizes. DT grabs his head in shock. Cross just looks down at him.
Cross Recoba: More in the tank than I gave you credit for.
DT just glares back at him and then looks down at the mat in a malaise. Cross reaches a hand down to him. DT looks at it, then up at Cross. He hears the crowd cheering … and then before he can take the hand …
Hawke: WHAT THE HELL!
Mistress Discipline blindsides Cross with a Final Bell bicycle knee strike to the side of the head. Cross drops the belt he was handed and falls to the mat. Mistress then gets that Muta Lock called the Suspenion and begins wrenching the head and neck of the champ!
Mistress Discipline: HOW DARE YOU DENY US OUR TITLE! You do not deserve that belt. WE are the top of the class!
The fans don’t know how to react to this. DT just stares in shock, unable to process this. The referees storm the ring to free Cross. Mistress backs off … Cross crawls to the ropes and looks back at her with disgust.
The security and refs have Mistress held back. Cross slowly stands, shaking out the cobwebs and rubbing the swelling jaw. Suddenly DT begins to pull security off of his wife and beat them down!
Death Trap: Who gave you the right to touch my wife. Hands off!
Mistress storms to Cross and begins to rain punches on him. Suddenly both DT and Mistress stop … they both have darts in their backsides.
Mistress Discipline: Chaos? Why?
Chaos drops her tranq gun and lets security pull the former global tag champs from the ring. Cross finally is handed his X*Crown title belt from Bill Flamingo again. He grabs the back of his neck in pain and holds it up high …
Randy: Ladies and gentlemen that will end our show tonight-
”REGRETS! I’VE HAD MINE!”
As Danko Jones plays over the speakers, Cross simply looks up in anger as Steve Awesome slowly strides out to the stage. He blows a kiss at DT and crotch chops at Mistress as they are dragged away in a stupor of tranquilizers.
Steve Awesome: Cross. Hey buddy. Congrats! You won! But your night isn’t over. I am still your hardcore champion… the true HardKore Champion … but I also … have this…
He holds up the nCw title. From the back come a bunch of road agents and Steve’s documentary crew trying to get him to reconsider!
Steve Awesome: THIS TITLE! Entitles me to an X*Crown shot WHENEVER I WANT. All I gotta do is cash it in! And hey, I’m so sore … SO so sore *he winks at the camera* from my hardcore title match. You are looking in sporting shape! *he looks back at the camera and whispers* Ugly fucker.
Cross Recoba: Steve, let me stop you. You do not get to cash that thing in on me whenever you want. You use it to cut the line. So why not take your sorry ass to the back and meet me on HKW and-
Steve Awesome: No hey, I totally get it! I’d be afraid of me too. I mean we both know you can’t ACTUALLY wrestle. And if I were in Tapout I’d be the world champ in a day. I mean is it really even a fed if you can’t get me in there? And then we both know that I will be the HardKore World champion before too long too. Your next challenger might be an unforgivable putz but … we ALL know I’m next. So here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna march down there, hand over this title, slap my thigh and laugh at you as I kick your head off. And take your title.
Cross Recoba: Why would I ever fight you now? There’s no benefit in it for me when I know I can have you on our own show.
Steve Awesome: I mean you can have the match or I can come there and kick your-
From out of nowhere, Steve is blasted by a flying clothesline to the back of the head! A man begins to rain down punches on the Hardcore Champ and sends him careening down the ramp. An Irish Whip sends Steve crashing into the steel steps! The man lowers his Disney branded hoodie and reveals …
Hawke: DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN! He is absolutely annihilating Steve in the face of the HKW Champion!
Marty lines up a shot … and charges Steve and crushes his head against the steel steps with a perfect-
Randy: DIS-KNEE! Steve is broken! He is bleeding! He might be concussed!
Marty grabs him and pulls him to his feet and slings him into the ring. Cross clicks his tongue.
Cross Recoba: You know what Steve? I’m feeling generous. I will GLADLY add your title to my collection and then never have to worry about it again! Ref, get this match started.
Flamingo looks skeptical. Cross stands Steve up and leans him in the corner. He grabs the ncw title off the mat and hands it over.
Cross Recoba:GO! NOW! Stop wasting my time!
As he does this, Steve sits down … and reaches to the steps and grabs the titanium cane.
As Flamingo hands over the title … Steve pulls to his feet … and walks to the middle of the ring. Cross turns to meet him … BLAM! Cane to the face. Steve tosses the cane as the ref turns around!
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
One Fall Match to add the NCW Title to the X*Crown
"The Face of the Franchise" Steve Awesome vs. "The XHF Box Office Smash" Cross Recoba (c)
DING! DING! DING!
Steve laughs and pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-Cross somehow rolls the shoulder.
Steve looks up puzzled. He holds up three fingers to the ref. Ref says no! He pins again!
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout!
Steve is in disbelief … and dizzy as hell. He slowly stands up. He stumbles to the corner and begins to tune up the band. Cross is very slow to stand, holding his neck, bleeding from the forehead like a crimson mask. Steve charges, thigh slap super-CAUGHT!
Steve Awesome: DUDE! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! I SLAPPED MY THIGH SO HARD!
Cross snaps him to the ground and locks in the scorpion ankle lock! Steve yells out in agony! He begins to complain to the ref that Cross cheated by blocking that amazing thigh slap and ruining the shot! He should be forced to forfeit! Flamingo just asks if he gives up. Steve yells no! He begins to claw his way to the ropes. He gets oh so close when Marty Donovan runs over and gets in his face. Steve refuses to grab the rope because of this. Bad move as Cross drags him back to the middle of the ring and really torques the ankle. Steve’s ankle is about to snap. Finally he has no choice. Steve taps out.
Bonnie Jenkins: YOUR WINNER AND UNIFYING THE NCW TITLE INTO THE X*CROWN … CROSS RECOBA!
Steve passes out in the hold before Cross will release him. Cross collapses to the mat in pain as medics rush to check on his head and neck. The X*Crown is draped over him.
Randy: MARTY COST STEVE THE TITLE! You all saw it! Steve had this won!
Hawke: Regardless of that, Cross is now the new NCW champ and unified it into the X*Crown! What a night for the XHF Box Office Smash! Nobody will deny his legacy now. Two 2-time X*Crown champs felled by his hand in one long main event!
Randy: Well ladies and germs! We ran over because of Steve so we are out of time. We have new Global Tag Team Champions and a new Junior Heavyweight Champion!
Hawke: For Bonnie and Randy, I’m Joey Hawke and we will see you in January for Supremacy!
CREDITS AND THANKS
Intro and Outro - Dave D-Flipz
X*Crown Matches and Setup - Dave D-Flipz
JHW Match - Mosler
Tag Team Title Match - Marty
Hardcore Title Match - Jesse
Phoenix Title Match - Mosler and Terras
YTA Title Match - Mosler
DTF Match - Jack Diamond
Intro and Outro - Dave D-Flipz
X*Crown Matches and Setup - Dave D-Flipz
JHW Match - Mosler
Tag Team Title Match - Marty
Hardcore Title Match - Jesse
Phoenix Title Match - Mosler and Terras
YTA Title Match - Mosler
DTF Match - Jack Diamond