Post by mosler on Dec 10, 2023 17:15:31 GMT -5
The following is reposted from the End of Days PPV, having given them over a month to avoid stealing thunder.
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Hawke: Well folks it's been a memorable End of Days....
Randy: But what's coming up next, I'll drink to forget.
Hawke: You sure will, Randy! At the start of the month Zoran Sainovic defended the Junior Heavyweight Championship in Hardkore World against his tag partner and protege, El Rey, in a match so brutal that it may have negatively impacted their Annihilator results.
Randy: They did stab one another while celebrating.
Hawke: Tonight, the JHC is defended in the fictional federation that is Dinosaur Bones. You may find yourselves wondering how does the TWO TON Dinosaur Bones count as a junior? Well he presented a list of wrestlers that he claims to have eaten, that all come in under the weight limit.
Randy: ....including El Rey's mother and father....
Hawke: With Zoran claiming to have set up the paperwork for the defence when HE was champion, and not forcing his surrogate son, El Rey, to get eaten as some sort of petty revenge. The verdict is still out on that claim. The fact remains that El Rey will be defending the title against a number of wrestlers we haven't seen since The Dread Lord apparently ate them. Making matters more stacked against El Rey, is that Zoran agreed to Bones' signature match - which also means that while still in California, it is not occurring in the arena tonight.
Randy: Thank goodness for small blessings.
Hawke: It is just a stones throw away.... so let's throw it over to our colleagues at the La Brea Tar Pits, in Los Angelas! Take it away, Sylvia!
A graphic clearly showing all the official participants, from their recentest known photographs, flashes on the screen before cutting to the La Brea Tar Pits at night. Statues designed to look like original victims, plastic dinosaurs, wooly mammoths and the like, stick up out of the very real tar. Security hold back curious onlookers to make sure there are less people eaten than there were at EOD Week 2. It is now late enough in the evening that the Museum aspect of the grim park has closed, which just enough lights to make the atmosphere grim. One bright spot is the glowing smile of "The Banker's Daughter" Sylvia Starr - the GUNS announcer trying her luck at hazard pay ringside commentating.
Sylvia Starr: Joey. Randy. That's right, we are down at Le Brea for a Tar Pit Death Match. The rules of the contest are simple, two wrestlers, one tar pit - the first one to be thrown in loses.
An elderly cowboy steps into frame to join her.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Whoa doggy - this sure is gonna be a rootin' tootin' barn burner of a contest. Now Bonesy has been in forty two of these here tar death matches, and I'm happy to report he ain't lost one in over 65 million years.
Zoran Sainovic: Zat is quite ze streak. Clearly inflated, but impressive.
The camera adjusts again to include the Final Boss.
Sylvia Starr: As you can see, I have been joined on commentary by champion and hosting federation's respective tag partners. Zoran, you raise a good point about the uphill battle you have signed your protege up for. Most people consider this revenge for you losing the strap.
Zoran Sainovic (eating a Big Mac): I've never been more insulted. When Rey won ze JHC off me, I was so happy I could kiss him. Like passing on a curse. You ever see It Follows?
Sylvia Starr: As calm as you are, how can Rey - who weighs substantially less - be expected to throw Dinosaur Bones into a tar pit?
Zoran Sainovic: Don't sell Rey short, he learned from ze very best.
Behind the trio, Dinosaur Bones stalks down pathways - trying to sniff out the junior champion.
Sylvia Starr: As you can see the match is already underway. We all came here when it was still broad daylight to set-up, but El Rey apparently beat us to it. So Bones has spent the last four hours trying to find his opponent, but thus far isn't having any luck. The champion might be looking to retain on a time limit draw, sadly the contract his mentor signed stipulated that there would be no time limit-
"...god damn it."
Somewhere in the area, a very stealthy champion curses one of the commentators for this obvious trap.
Al Jabroni: That came from over THERE-
Hearing El Rey's mutterings, Bones' Reinfieldesque sidekick Al Jabroni starts searching the area of the sound for the hidden champion.
Dinosaur Bones: IF YOU DO NOT WISH THIS ENCOUNTER, THAT IS ALRIGHT WITH ME - FLESHLING REY. I JUST THOUGHT WE COULD REVIEW SOME MCDONALDS ON YELP, LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS... WON'T YOU JOIN ME FOR A BITE?
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: The kid is slow, but he will probably see through that.
Zoran Sainovic: Jabroni and Bones acting like Rey is hiding. Idiots. I didn't raise a coward. Ze longer zis match goes, ze more likely zose giant oafs gas zemselves. He is a zinking champion-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Now lets say hypothetically speaking that your greenhorn somehow manages to get Bones in that nasty mess. How do we know which Bones wrestler won?
Sylvia Starr: We have Dr. Doofenshmirtz on hand with his "Proximity Predictor" device - which will tell us which person inside of Bones landed in the Tar last.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz (monitoring device): When I created this, the scientific community called me a fool, but who is the fool now?
The medium shot gets even wider to include the mad scientist in the foursome...
Al Jabroni: I've got him!
The camera quickly cuts away from the team to the far side of the grounds, where Al Jabroni has pulled El Rey out of a bush with a full nelson. Jabroni got so wrapped up in the idea of feeding Bones another star, and staying off the menu for another week, that he forget that Rey is actually quite accomplished. Atlanta's Favourite Son leaps up trying to wrestle his arms free from the Nelson, but Jabroni hangs on tight. Leaping into a railing, El Rey almost losses his footing - which would essentially send him straight into the tar. Pivoting off, Rey forces his weight back, causing Jabroni to crumple under a makeshift senton. The move breaks the Nelson - from a grounded position, Jabroni tries to hang onto one arm - but El Rey throws enough elbows that he shakes him off. With Dinosaur Bones lumbering towards them, El Rey starts to find a new position for guerrilla warfare - only for Jabroni to grab his leg. The former NLW star is REALLY loyal to Bones' appetite. With Bones drawing ever closer, Rey just start kicking the shit out of Jabroni - desperately trying to force him to make a break. Jabroni takes the beating, not letting go. He knows what awaits failure, and is worried if he gets eaten by Bones again - all those guys he abandoned in the Technodrome might want revenge.
Sylvia Starr: Bones charging in - goes for a BITE-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Don't do that Bonsey! If you eat him, he'll retain!
Sylvia Starr: NO! El Rey matrixing under the large mouth-
It looks really cool, until the champion trips over Jabroni. Under the dracolich's feet - the two men roll around like luchadors in an effort to avoid being stepped on. Bones takes this as a challenge, trying to stomp faster! The end of the chain sequence sees the two of them by the railing again, with Jabroni once again holding a full nelson!
Al Jabroni: Here he is Oh Great One your meal is serv-
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Bones goes to win with a tail strike, only for Rey to slide out - leaving Jabroni to eat tail.
#Wilhelm Scream#
Al Jabroni is sent soaring through the air - before landing in the tar, while El Rey is free to creep off for another hiding space.
Sylvia Starr: I think it's safe to say that AL JABRONI has been eliminated!
The Dinosaur looks around for his prey.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
With his friends dead, the Harsh Winter Pilgrim goes on one last religious journey to the heart of Dinosaur Bones's left leg. He thinks he'll miss ARM815H1 MK.69 most of all. Labouring under the impression they were all murdered by the Mecha Rankor, HWP treats this as a one way trip - approaching some foul looking locals.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Excuse me brothers, is this where the joint to operate the left knee is located?
Mayor McKneecap: Indeed it is good sir! Our fair city attracts tourists from far and wide the INSIDE to get a gander at our glorious golden joint!
The Mayor points at a line - there has to be a hundred people already waiting. The city shakes, like El Rey just hit Dinosaur Bones with a dropkick to the knee before hiding again. Has the title fight begun?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I hate to trouble you, but might I cut in line? I am on a most urgent mission from God.
The looks from the fellow pilgrims suggest no cuts. Stones from the buildings above continue to fall down, the sky crumbling as El Rey reigns down dropkick after dropkick.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
El Rey is able to five off twelve rapid fire knife-edge chops to the leg, before Bones can notice. The moment Bones DOES notice, El Rey avoids a bite and once again scampers off into the shadows. Has he figured out the attack pattern? It's less Assassin's Creed and more Dark Souls.
Zoran Sainovic: My boy continuing to run and gun- Bones doesn't know what hit him!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Well partner, I reckon Bonesy doesn't know a lot of things, but it's never stopped him from eating 'em.
Sylvia Starr: I'm just impressed that you two have avoided helping your respective friends, and managed to stay on commentary.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm a professional.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: And I'm too old to be messing around in a tar pit. Who has the time to wash that crud off?
Zoran Sainovic: Besides, Rey has zis in hand.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Until he's in mouth.
El Rey repeatedly stomps on Bones tail, staying behind the monster in a blind spot. The first forty or so stomps go unnoticed, but when the Dread Lord finally feels something he's so enraged he rips a lamp post out of the ground to use as a club. Sparks fly, as the electrical cords are severed. The lamp goes out, allowing Rey to roll out of harms way and find another hiding space, but Bones continues to swig his club.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
GHOST PUMPKIN FEST.
The Village of Pizza Hut Boxopolis is celebrating its annual pumpkin harvest, in which they hope to grow enough gourds to make it through another year being slowly digested. The former Buzz Lightyear, now Jim Nothingofnote owing to how often he transforms due to consuming questionable meats - is strolling down the cardboard strewn sidewalk when he accidentally steps on a ferret creature.
"Eek."
Never willing to pass up a good mystery meat, when faced with the quest of will you eat this? The answer has to be yes. So Jim chows down, and-
Jim Nothingofnote: Ughhhh...
Transforms into...
Tongo the Transformer: Argh.
Could this be the beginning of an origin story?
AMG: Put that creature down, you oaf!
Kudor: Rarrraaahnu!
The Uncanny Murder Hobo Express - whose Yellow Team line-up consists of AMG, Kudor, Olympia, Träcy, Venöm, and Wiley Sharp - emerge from a large cardboard building that used to hold a deluxe pizza with extra mushrooms. Without the use of a wheelchair, Venöm has fixed his broken legs to an inflatable velociraptor - which bounces along like a bean bag.
Tongo the Transformer: Are you guys a sight for sore eyes! ....I thought the Rankor got you-
Happy to be reunited with the gang, Tongo starts to go for a hug - but AMG catches him in the side of the head with a stiletto.
AMG: Focus. My minions have been chasing rumours of this snipe The Silver Snipe is apparently located in this greasy paper mill. It is rare enough that there might only be one in existence-
Wiley Sharp: Are you going to finish those testicles?
Tongo the Transformer (holding out ferret): Be my guest-
Kudor: Naaaaanuaaaan.
Träcy: ...That certainly looks like the snipe.
Venöm: My tracking skills pay off again!
Everyone beats up Tongo.
AMG: You just HAVE to stick ever slab of beef you see in your mouth!
Tongo the Transformer: I'm really sorry-
The prison beating continues... hopefully they don't pulverize Tongo into a steak, because then he might eat himself.
"waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
The shrill cry.... comes from another ferret mourning the half-eaten corpse of the first one. The Murder Hobos stop dead in their Tongo beating tracks, to observe this second critter.
Kudor: baaaaahaaaaanu.
Träcy: Two of them.
Venöm: Well... now that the male is dead, it's not like they were going to repopulate the species.
AMG: GET HER MY MINIONS!
The Murder Hobo Express charge towards the silver snipe, scarring it into scampering off... into a Lower Decks tote bag.
Star Trekker: Mission accomplished.
Tying off her bag, the former Crystal Skull champion claims the spoils.
AMG: RELEASE THE VERMIN!
Kudor: naaaaannnnnnnannnne.
Träcy: Kudor is right, it doesn't matter who claims the reward - getting that creature to the Wizard could help all of us. I miss my family. So I hope you'll put the community first, over your own petty, selfish, childish, short sighted desires.
Star Trekker: In the late 24th century we have evolved past such ego trips. No, it is not for me that I keep this creature from your leader, but the PRIME DIRECTIVE.
Träcy: You bit-
Star Trekker: Hostile primitives. Cover fire!
Before Träcy can rip Trekker a new one, Tripp Tucker and Malcolm Reed pop up from behind a giant Hawaiian pizza box, and start to shoot phasers - actually Roman candles. They are still incredibly annoying. The Murder Hobos fight through the burning pain, and attack the Star Fleet contingent. As the group brawl wildly, the Murder Hobos numbers start to press an advantage. Eventually Kudor manages to pry the sack from the Star Trekker's hand.
Kudor: blllllllllllllaaaah.
The alien backflips around ever single person involved in this scuffle, before landing next to Trekker - who he hands the sack back to. Backwards. Circular motions. Not understanding the culture, Olympia attacks Kudor for the betrayal - only to find the blue monster quite adept at biting people while retreating.
Star Trekker: To the defiant!
Venöm: Call that a knife-
Doing his best Paul Hogan impression, Venöm hops on his dinosaur bouncing sack over to Trekker with a threatening knife. Not caring for these primitive weapons, Trekker starts to had over the snipe when.
"别挡我的路,混蛋们"
Lili - crystal skull on head - rides Venöm's stolen wheelchair like a bat out of hell into the two of them. The impact knocks the knife out of Venöm's hand. The giant panda ushers in the Murder Hobo's Blue Team. ARM815H1 MK.69. Al Cole Hall. King Edmund IV & Mutt all charge Ito the fray - or send Mutt for them.
Star Trekker: Where I come from, we have medical technology to take care of that-
Venöm: What does that mea-?
Looking down, Trekker has picked up Venöm's knife and used it to Mae small incisions on his dinosaur ball's legs. Now the Raptor is deflating at the ankles, and much like Venöm looks immobile. Venöm is left double lame. Not recognizing Buzz Lightyear's new form - ARM815H1 MK.69 and Tongo are tearing out one another's throats... and having more Murder Hobos present has just added to the in-fighting.
Wiley Sharp: I could go for another one.
Wiley Sharp finishes the silver snipe's testicles. HP/MP restored! ...but you're still hungry.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
Bones continues to swing the lamp pole around as a club.
Dinosaur Bones: THERE IS A SIZZLER DOWN THE BLOCK, WHAT SAY WE FORGET ABOUT THIS MISUNDERSTANDING AND ASSIGN A RATING TO THEIR WAIT STAFF OUT OF FIVE?
Wait for it... Bones then beats the shit out a bush he thinks might be Rey. Losing his temper, the dracolich bellows.
Dinosaur Bones: IF YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK YOU ARE A CHICKEN, THAT IS JUST MAKING ME MORE HUNGRY! ...I AM JUST TRYING TO REUNITE YOU WITH YOUR FLESHLING PARENTS!
Hitting a nerve, Bones smiles as an enraged El Rey dives out of the bushes and runs towards him. That might just be how Bones face looks. Waiting for the pitch, Bones swings his club at the encroaching El Rey - only to have the actual junior leap onto the post, then jump off it with a knee strike to the jaw. Landing back on the post, Rey leap frogs over a bite attempt, hooks a leg across Bones neck - and goes for a TRIUMPH. Momentum sending Bones towards the tar - the dracolich needs to use his post as a cane to avoid falling forwards.
Zoran Sainovic: Shouldn't have brought up ze biological "parents."
Sylvia Starr: El Rey taking it too Bones, dodging claws while throwing stiff knee strikes - I've never seen him this fired up. Bones slipping backwards towards the tar - but being held up by a guard rail.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: A lucky shot - when Bones gets his footing back, one good tail strike is going to send that runt packing.
Jumping into the guardrail, El Rey springboards off with a forearm strike that takes Bones down to a knee. He then charges in with a slinger splash that makes Bones lean so hard into the guard rail, it breaks off- falling into the tar below.
Sylvia Starr: That railing was the only thing keeping Bones up-
Zoran Sainovic: Of course, if Rey can beat me- zere isn't a man, woman, or dinosaur in ze XHF zat can beat him.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: I don't much care for the looks of this-
Sylvia Starr: E-Reytio Variation 2!!!
Running into the down Bones, El Rey grabs his neck and flips over- it isn't pretty but he drags both over the edge towards the tar pit-
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
The falling rubble from the war outside sends the last fifty pilgrims scattering for safety. Using the chaos as an excuse to move forward, Harsh Winter Pilgrim shaves a few hours off his wait, arriving at the golden joint that connects Dinosaur Bones left leg.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Lord guide my hand-
Is that a crank? HWP starts to roll the crank, hoping to set up a murderous kick.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
Zoran Sainovic: Did zey both go in?
A camera races to the edge, only to find Bones and Rey struggling to stay on a rock face just above the sticky black finish. The two continue to trade shots, El Rey completely abandoning character to heroically take vengeance for his parents WHO WERE EATEN BY THE LIZARD.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: You got this Bones! 43 and 0!
Sylvia Starr: Both participants brawling away, with Bones shorter arms letting Rey hit more combinations- not to mention those vicious knees!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Sure miss, but only one of them is made of flesh - and Rey is looking pretty pulverized to me.
Zoran Sainovic: What? Your favourite is doing better because he already looks dead? Do you even hear yourself?
Bones doesn't have the same ability to lunge, like his left leg was firmly planted in the ground. He can react, but forward movement is difficult. Gravel gives way under their feet, both men sliding closer and closer to the tar as they continue to brawl. Rey refusing to act like the little man in the scenario, ad out for whatever passes as blood. Running out of room, Bones desperately swings his tail - which connects... then tries to make up the distance only to run right into a-
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Sylvia Starr: SLICED BREAD!!!!!
The impact sends the dracolich falling towards the tar-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
Putting his working right leg out, Bones stands on the previously displaced guardrail - using it as a step to avoid the tar. Smelling blood, El Rey charges down and dives into-
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Sylvia Starr: SOCIETY KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Zoran lets out a disappointed groan.
Sylvia Starr: NO! Bones catching Rey in his mouth - just biting the hell out of his ribs.
Shaking his head like a torture rack, Bones makes sure to chew out any bravery that El Rey possessed.
Sylvia Starr: RELEASE BITE-PLEX!
A bite suplex. Dinosaur Bones spits El Rey out, not finding him half as appetizing as his parents. The goal is to toss the young fleshing into the tar, but unfortunately Rey lands on the model of a wooly mammoth.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
Ghost Pumpkin Fest.
Both Murder Hobo Teams, and the Away Team have found themselves under siege by zombie vegetables. ...But I'm getting dirty looks from the admin team, so just pretend that wasn't your favourite part, because we aren't paying attention to it.
Amidst the chaos, Mutt wanders up to Lili carrying a new born swaddled in a cotton blanket.
King Edmund IV: I require a new crown, so have seen fit to trading this human baby for the insignificant bauble you wear on the furry bubble you call a head.
Lili: 我愿意用我的右睾丸作为人类婴儿零食!
King Edmund IV: Yes. I am magnanimous.
The giant panda can't remember the last time she feasted on human baby, and happily hands the Crystal Skull over to Mutt. Mutt carries it back to the monarch.
Winner of this Negotiation: King Edmund IV
Spoils: Crystal Skull Championship
King Edmund IV: Hurry you worthless fool.
Mutt and Edmund start to leave, as Lili bites into her delicious baby boy - rather starchy. Another pumpkin! And this one isn't even a zombie that can feel pain.
Lili: 你欺骗了我!
Uh oh. The angry Panda starts to wheel at high speeds towards the tricksters-
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Only to have a stick shoved in the wheel.
The wheelchair stops, with Lili sent flying out - pinning Trekker to the ground, who promptly drops the silver snipe in lower deck tote bag.
Using the stick to pull himself up, Venöm places his now crippled balloon dinosaur steed into the wheel chair, as the dinosaur needs it too. Now both Venöm and Raptor are in the chair, like some sort of horrible Voltron figure.
Venöm: Game on.
Lili rises wanting to get the chair back, only for Venöm to shoot her full of tranquilizers. The panda falls backwards, this time crushing Olympia and Sharp.
Speeding forward, Venöm picks up the bag.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
On his wooly mammoth, Rey looks like he's bleeding out.
Dinosaur Bones is still having mobility problems with his left leg, but does manage to jump over to the mammoth platform himself.
Al Jabroni: That... was... awful...
Covered in tar, Jabroni slowly crawls up onto the mammoth.
Dinosaur Bones: ...
Unfortunately Bones can't tell humans apart, and thinking that Jabroni MIGHT be Rey, promptly swallows his minion.
Sylvia Starr: Nasty way to go.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm more concerned about Bones, you have any idea what kind of diseases Jabroni has?
Sylvia Starr: You can joke, but you aren't fooling anyone- Rey is at that devil's mercy.
Zoran Sainovic: Zese zings happen. ....Zere is always a cost for beating ze boss.
So evil.
Dinosaur Bones: Mmmmmmmph.
Sadly, the tar on Jabroni has acted like peanut butter, sealing Bones mouth shut. Unable to rend the champion apart again with a bite, Bones stomps on him a few times, until- his leg seizes up.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
Sweat drips off the Harsh Winter Pilgrim as he continues to work the crank, hoping to deliver Rey a death blow.
MEANWHILE.... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
On the wooly mammoth, Dinosaur Bones suddenly finds his left leg moving backwards like he was going to commit some massive punt.
Sylvia Starr: If he's going to kick Rey off, he should do it - there is no need to be so theoretical.
Holding his stomach with one arm like it was the only thing holding in his guts, Rey rises with an uppercut. Then an elbow. Then a forearm. It is hard throwing strikes without further opening the bite marks, but even barely standing he fights away. Mouth tarred shut, leg climbing further to the heavens, Dinosaur Bones has no defence against this assault.
Zoran Sainovic: Well... zis is unfortunate.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Looks like demonic possession - fight through it Bones!
Sylvia Starr: El Rey fighting against the odds, an actually cruiserweight fighting against the weight equivalent of twenty men and maybe just as many ghosts - but he's doing it! Bones is barely hanging on - the tail is the only thing keeping him up- Rey has this-
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Somewhere Harsh Winter Pilgrim lets go of a release lever.
Sylvia Starr: CRANE KICK!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Right on the kisser!
The impact of the massive kick knocks El Rey off the mammoth, down into the tar.
Sylvia Starr: And with that El Rey is eliminated!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Bones wins! First global shot, and we were a natural!
Sylvia Starr: Yes, but which member of Bones will win? There are still members to be eliminated-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Dangnabit. So Bonsey is gonna have to take a tar plunge? Zoran you lying dawg-
Zoran Sainovic: What is he doing.
With one tiny arm, Bones clears away enough tar to open his mouth. With the other, he lifts El Rey out of the tar - the former Champion is only partially covered. Enough to be eliminated, but not enough to be unappetizing.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Looks like it's feeding time.
Zoran Sainovic: Zis is unacceptable.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Ha, yah can't win 'em all, Zoran!
Zoran Sainovic: Ze match clearly stipulated zat to win, Bones could not eat Rey. Zis is a breach of contract.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: So the kid gets a little more roughed up than you were planing, those are the breaks when you mess with the bull.
Abandoning the announce position, Zoran Sainovic starts to charge closer to the tar pit. Stokes tries to cut the commissioner off, only to get stabbed for his troubles.
Sylvia Starr: You had to know these two would get involved at some point... though maybe hoped Bill would come out better. Can we get a paramedic over here?
In the tar pit, Bones scrapes some of the black substance off of Rey's leg.
Dinosaur Bones: NOW THAT THE CONTRACT HAS BEEN FULFILLED, TIME FOR A REUNION...
The dracolich starts to put Rey in his mouth, only for Zoran to ram into body with a body block that sends all three into the pit.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST!
The world suddenly turns at a 70 degree angle.
Something terrible wrong is going on.
Venöm collects the silver snipe again - only to have his wheels cause him to fall backwards. Fortunately Tongo is big enough I his current transforming state to keep Venöm fro rolling into a bed of man eating ghost pumpkins. Reaching out, Venöm catches Träcy to keep her from meeting a similar fate - only the monetary act of heroism leaves him open to a tote bag snatch.
Star Trekker (checking on silver snipe): The planet has become unstable. Three to beam out!
Buildings start to collapse, as the Murder Hobo Express huddle together - waiting for the end.
MEANWHILE.... OUTSIDE THE BEAST!
Dinosaur Bones lies halfway submerged in tar. El Rey is in his mouth. Zoran is holding the jaws open with his legs.
Zoran Sainovic: Sorry about zis Rey...
Dinosaur Bones: MMMMMMMMM-
Zoran Sainovic: Struggling to keep legs open.
Dinosaur Bones: Mmmmmmm-
Zoran Sainovic: You should know better zan zis, Bones.
Leaning forwards, Zoran lifts Rey up- with the former champion out of his throat, Bones is able to move his jaw further, almost hallowing the two men.
Dinosaur Bones: ONL IGHI NEVIBL.
Zoran Sainovic: You try to play me? I don't suffer fools.
Grunting, Zoran tosses Rey to the safety of the mammoth.
Zoran Sainovic (nodding at Rey): You did great, son.
SNAP.
Dinosaur Bones closes his jaw. Zoran is able to get his legs out in time, but is now standing on Bones closed mouth. And there are only two possible exits.
Dinosaur Bones: ANY LAST WORDS... APE?
Zoran Sainovic (shaking head): You'll NEVER take me, savage...
Reaching into his coat pockets, Sainovic pulls out two GUNS.
Zoran Sainovic: ...NOT WHILE I HAVE MY KNIFE PISTOLS!
Firing, Zoran shoots two blades down into Bones eye cavities. This causes the beast to scream in rage - but not for Zoran to get away, as both monsters plunge down into the tar pits.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes (coughing up blood from the stabbing): BONES!
Sylvia Starr: OH MY- they both went under!
You expect them to suddenly emerge, to at least fight the horrible fate - but all that emerges are bubbles - before a stillness overtakes the beckoning darkness.
Sylvia Starr (trying to no sell the possible death they just witnessed): Uh, Dr. Doofenshmirtz I assume all our participants have been under the tar pit now. Who was the last one eliminated?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz (looking in device) Wiley Sharp. Olympia. AMG. Marmaduke Matters. Buzz Lightbear. Tracy. Harsh Winter Pilgrim... Venom is under now, but he appears to have been the last-
"What am I? Tasha Yar?"
The camera pans over to Paramount +'s Star Trekker - who has apparently beamed out of the beast at the last minute.
Star Trekker (wearing a tank top): Do you see any tar on me?
Sylvia Starr: You were on the roll call, so the winner of this match, and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, DINOSAUR BONES' STAR TREKKER!
The Trekker collects his strap.
....Unfortunately while she is putting it on, the silver snipe eats a hole through her tote bag. The trouble with tribbles.
*****************************
Hawke: Well folks it's been a memorable End of Days....
Randy: But what's coming up next, I'll drink to forget.
Hawke: You sure will, Randy! At the start of the month Zoran Sainovic defended the Junior Heavyweight Championship in Hardkore World against his tag partner and protege, El Rey, in a match so brutal that it may have negatively impacted their Annihilator results.
Randy: They did stab one another while celebrating.
Hawke: Tonight, the JHC is defended in the fictional federation that is Dinosaur Bones. You may find yourselves wondering how does the TWO TON Dinosaur Bones count as a junior? Well he presented a list of wrestlers that he claims to have eaten, that all come in under the weight limit.
Randy: ....including El Rey's mother and father....
Hawke: With Zoran claiming to have set up the paperwork for the defence when HE was champion, and not forcing his surrogate son, El Rey, to get eaten as some sort of petty revenge. The verdict is still out on that claim. The fact remains that El Rey will be defending the title against a number of wrestlers we haven't seen since The Dread Lord apparently ate them. Making matters more stacked against El Rey, is that Zoran agreed to Bones' signature match - which also means that while still in California, it is not occurring in the arena tonight.
Randy: Thank goodness for small blessings.
Hawke: It is just a stones throw away.... so let's throw it over to our colleagues at the La Brea Tar Pits, in Los Angelas! Take it away, Sylvia!
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
TAR PIT DEATH MATCH
EL REY (c) vs. Al Jabroni, AMG, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, Jim Nothingofnote, Kudor, Olympia, Marmaduke Matters Paramount+'s Star Trekker, Personal Support Worker Träcy, Venöm the Dinosaur Hunter, & Wiley Sharp
A graphic clearly showing all the official participants, from their recentest known photographs, flashes on the screen before cutting to the La Brea Tar Pits at night. Statues designed to look like original victims, plastic dinosaurs, wooly mammoths and the like, stick up out of the very real tar. Security hold back curious onlookers to make sure there are less people eaten than there were at EOD Week 2. It is now late enough in the evening that the Museum aspect of the grim park has closed, which just enough lights to make the atmosphere grim. One bright spot is the glowing smile of "The Banker's Daughter" Sylvia Starr - the GUNS announcer trying her luck at hazard pay ringside commentating.
Sylvia Starr: Joey. Randy. That's right, we are down at Le Brea for a Tar Pit Death Match. The rules of the contest are simple, two wrestlers, one tar pit - the first one to be thrown in loses.
An elderly cowboy steps into frame to join her.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Whoa doggy - this sure is gonna be a rootin' tootin' barn burner of a contest. Now Bonesy has been in forty two of these here tar death matches, and I'm happy to report he ain't lost one in over 65 million years.
Zoran Sainovic: Zat is quite ze streak. Clearly inflated, but impressive.
The camera adjusts again to include the Final Boss.
Sylvia Starr: As you can see, I have been joined on commentary by champion and hosting federation's respective tag partners. Zoran, you raise a good point about the uphill battle you have signed your protege up for. Most people consider this revenge for you losing the strap.
Zoran Sainovic (eating a Big Mac): I've never been more insulted. When Rey won ze JHC off me, I was so happy I could kiss him. Like passing on a curse. You ever see It Follows?
Sylvia Starr: As calm as you are, how can Rey - who weighs substantially less - be expected to throw Dinosaur Bones into a tar pit?
Zoran Sainovic: Don't sell Rey short, he learned from ze very best.
Behind the trio, Dinosaur Bones stalks down pathways - trying to sniff out the junior champion.
Sylvia Starr: As you can see the match is already underway. We all came here when it was still broad daylight to set-up, but El Rey apparently beat us to it. So Bones has spent the last four hours trying to find his opponent, but thus far isn't having any luck. The champion might be looking to retain on a time limit draw, sadly the contract his mentor signed stipulated that there would be no time limit-
"...god damn it."
Somewhere in the area, a very stealthy champion curses one of the commentators for this obvious trap.
Al Jabroni: That came from over THERE-
Hearing El Rey's mutterings, Bones' Reinfieldesque sidekick Al Jabroni starts searching the area of the sound for the hidden champion.
Dinosaur Bones: IF YOU DO NOT WISH THIS ENCOUNTER, THAT IS ALRIGHT WITH ME - FLESHLING REY. I JUST THOUGHT WE COULD REVIEW SOME MCDONALDS ON YELP, LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS... WON'T YOU JOIN ME FOR A BITE?
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: The kid is slow, but he will probably see through that.
Zoran Sainovic: Jabroni and Bones acting like Rey is hiding. Idiots. I didn't raise a coward. Ze longer zis match goes, ze more likely zose giant oafs gas zemselves. He is a zinking champion-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Now lets say hypothetically speaking that your greenhorn somehow manages to get Bones in that nasty mess. How do we know which Bones wrestler won?
Sylvia Starr: We have Dr. Doofenshmirtz on hand with his "Proximity Predictor" device - which will tell us which person inside of Bones landed in the Tar last.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz (monitoring device): When I created this, the scientific community called me a fool, but who is the fool now?
The medium shot gets even wider to include the mad scientist in the foursome...
Al Jabroni: I've got him!
The camera quickly cuts away from the team to the far side of the grounds, where Al Jabroni has pulled El Rey out of a bush with a full nelson. Jabroni got so wrapped up in the idea of feeding Bones another star, and staying off the menu for another week, that he forget that Rey is actually quite accomplished. Atlanta's Favourite Son leaps up trying to wrestle his arms free from the Nelson, but Jabroni hangs on tight. Leaping into a railing, El Rey almost losses his footing - which would essentially send him straight into the tar. Pivoting off, Rey forces his weight back, causing Jabroni to crumple under a makeshift senton. The move breaks the Nelson - from a grounded position, Jabroni tries to hang onto one arm - but El Rey throws enough elbows that he shakes him off. With Dinosaur Bones lumbering towards them, El Rey starts to find a new position for guerrilla warfare - only for Jabroni to grab his leg. The former NLW star is REALLY loyal to Bones' appetite. With Bones drawing ever closer, Rey just start kicking the shit out of Jabroni - desperately trying to force him to make a break. Jabroni takes the beating, not letting go. He knows what awaits failure, and is worried if he gets eaten by Bones again - all those guys he abandoned in the Technodrome might want revenge.
Sylvia Starr: Bones charging in - goes for a BITE-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Don't do that Bonsey! If you eat him, he'll retain!
Sylvia Starr: NO! El Rey matrixing under the large mouth-
It looks really cool, until the champion trips over Jabroni. Under the dracolich's feet - the two men roll around like luchadors in an effort to avoid being stepped on. Bones takes this as a challenge, trying to stomp faster! The end of the chain sequence sees the two of them by the railing again, with Jabroni once again holding a full nelson!
Al Jabroni: Here he is Oh Great One your meal is serv-
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Bones goes to win with a tail strike, only for Rey to slide out - leaving Jabroni to eat tail.
#Wilhelm Scream#
Al Jabroni is sent soaring through the air - before landing in the tar, while El Rey is free to creep off for another hiding space.
Sylvia Starr: I think it's safe to say that AL JABRONI has been eliminated!
The Dinosaur looks around for his prey.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
With his friends dead, the Harsh Winter Pilgrim goes on one last religious journey to the heart of Dinosaur Bones's left leg. He thinks he'll miss ARM815H1 MK.69 most of all. Labouring under the impression they were all murdered by the Mecha Rankor, HWP treats this as a one way trip - approaching some foul looking locals.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Excuse me brothers, is this where the joint to operate the left knee is located?
Mayor McKneecap: Indeed it is good sir! Our fair city attracts tourists from far and wide the INSIDE to get a gander at our glorious golden joint!
The Mayor points at a line - there has to be a hundred people already waiting. The city shakes, like El Rey just hit Dinosaur Bones with a dropkick to the knee before hiding again. Has the title fight begun?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I hate to trouble you, but might I cut in line? I am on a most urgent mission from God.
The looks from the fellow pilgrims suggest no cuts. Stones from the buildings above continue to fall down, the sky crumbling as El Rey reigns down dropkick after dropkick.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
El Rey is able to five off twelve rapid fire knife-edge chops to the leg, before Bones can notice. The moment Bones DOES notice, El Rey avoids a bite and once again scampers off into the shadows. Has he figured out the attack pattern? It's less Assassin's Creed and more Dark Souls.
Zoran Sainovic: My boy continuing to run and gun- Bones doesn't know what hit him!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Well partner, I reckon Bonesy doesn't know a lot of things, but it's never stopped him from eating 'em.
Sylvia Starr: I'm just impressed that you two have avoided helping your respective friends, and managed to stay on commentary.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm a professional.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: And I'm too old to be messing around in a tar pit. Who has the time to wash that crud off?
Zoran Sainovic: Besides, Rey has zis in hand.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Until he's in mouth.
El Rey repeatedly stomps on Bones tail, staying behind the monster in a blind spot. The first forty or so stomps go unnoticed, but when the Dread Lord finally feels something he's so enraged he rips a lamp post out of the ground to use as a club. Sparks fly, as the electrical cords are severed. The lamp goes out, allowing Rey to roll out of harms way and find another hiding space, but Bones continues to swig his club.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
GHOST PUMPKIN FEST.
The Village of Pizza Hut Boxopolis is celebrating its annual pumpkin harvest, in which they hope to grow enough gourds to make it through another year being slowly digested. The former Buzz Lightyear, now Jim Nothingofnote owing to how often he transforms due to consuming questionable meats - is strolling down the cardboard strewn sidewalk when he accidentally steps on a ferret creature.
"Eek."
Never willing to pass up a good mystery meat, when faced with the quest of will you eat this? The answer has to be yes. So Jim chows down, and-
Jim Nothingofnote: Ughhhh...
Transforms into...
Tongo the Transformer: Argh.
Could this be the beginning of an origin story?
AMG: Put that creature down, you oaf!
Kudor: Rarrraaahnu!
The Uncanny Murder Hobo Express - whose Yellow Team line-up consists of AMG, Kudor, Olympia, Träcy, Venöm, and Wiley Sharp - emerge from a large cardboard building that used to hold a deluxe pizza with extra mushrooms. Without the use of a wheelchair, Venöm has fixed his broken legs to an inflatable velociraptor - which bounces along like a bean bag.
Tongo the Transformer: Are you guys a sight for sore eyes! ....I thought the Rankor got you-
Happy to be reunited with the gang, Tongo starts to go for a hug - but AMG catches him in the side of the head with a stiletto.
AMG: Focus. My minions have been chasing rumours of this snipe The Silver Snipe is apparently located in this greasy paper mill. It is rare enough that there might only be one in existence-
Wiley Sharp: Are you going to finish those testicles?
Tongo the Transformer (holding out ferret): Be my guest-
Kudor: Naaaaanuaaaan.
Träcy: ...That certainly looks like the snipe.
Venöm: My tracking skills pay off again!
Everyone beats up Tongo.
AMG: You just HAVE to stick ever slab of beef you see in your mouth!
Tongo the Transformer: I'm really sorry-
The prison beating continues... hopefully they don't pulverize Tongo into a steak, because then he might eat himself.
"waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
The shrill cry.... comes from another ferret mourning the half-eaten corpse of the first one. The Murder Hobos stop dead in their Tongo beating tracks, to observe this second critter.
Kudor: baaaaahaaaaanu.
Träcy: Two of them.
Venöm: Well... now that the male is dead, it's not like they were going to repopulate the species.
AMG: GET HER MY MINIONS!
The Murder Hobo Express charge towards the silver snipe, scarring it into scampering off... into a Lower Decks tote bag.
Star Trekker: Mission accomplished.
Tying off her bag, the former Crystal Skull champion claims the spoils.
AMG: RELEASE THE VERMIN!
Kudor: naaaaannnnnnnannnne.
Träcy: Kudor is right, it doesn't matter who claims the reward - getting that creature to the Wizard could help all of us. I miss my family. So I hope you'll put the community first, over your own petty, selfish, childish, short sighted desires.
Star Trekker: In the late 24th century we have evolved past such ego trips. No, it is not for me that I keep this creature from your leader, but the PRIME DIRECTIVE.
Träcy: You bit-
Star Trekker: Hostile primitives. Cover fire!
Before Träcy can rip Trekker a new one, Tripp Tucker and Malcolm Reed pop up from behind a giant Hawaiian pizza box, and start to shoot phasers - actually Roman candles. They are still incredibly annoying. The Murder Hobos fight through the burning pain, and attack the Star Fleet contingent. As the group brawl wildly, the Murder Hobos numbers start to press an advantage. Eventually Kudor manages to pry the sack from the Star Trekker's hand.
Kudor: blllllllllllllaaaah.
The alien backflips around ever single person involved in this scuffle, before landing next to Trekker - who he hands the sack back to. Backwards. Circular motions. Not understanding the culture, Olympia attacks Kudor for the betrayal - only to find the blue monster quite adept at biting people while retreating.
Star Trekker: To the defiant!
Venöm: Call that a knife-
Doing his best Paul Hogan impression, Venöm hops on his dinosaur bouncing sack over to Trekker with a threatening knife. Not caring for these primitive weapons, Trekker starts to had over the snipe when.
"别挡我的路,混蛋们"
Lili - crystal skull on head - rides Venöm's stolen wheelchair like a bat out of hell into the two of them. The impact knocks the knife out of Venöm's hand. The giant panda ushers in the Murder Hobo's Blue Team. ARM815H1 MK.69. Al Cole Hall. King Edmund IV & Mutt all charge Ito the fray - or send Mutt for them.
Star Trekker: Where I come from, we have medical technology to take care of that-
Venöm: What does that mea-?
Looking down, Trekker has picked up Venöm's knife and used it to Mae small incisions on his dinosaur ball's legs. Now the Raptor is deflating at the ankles, and much like Venöm looks immobile. Venöm is left double lame. Not recognizing Buzz Lightyear's new form - ARM815H1 MK.69 and Tongo are tearing out one another's throats... and having more Murder Hobos present has just added to the in-fighting.
Wiley Sharp: I could go for another one.
Wiley Sharp finishes the silver snipe's testicles. HP/MP restored! ...but you're still hungry.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
Bones continues to swing the lamp pole around as a club.
Dinosaur Bones: THERE IS A SIZZLER DOWN THE BLOCK, WHAT SAY WE FORGET ABOUT THIS MISUNDERSTANDING AND ASSIGN A RATING TO THEIR WAIT STAFF OUT OF FIVE?
Wait for it... Bones then beats the shit out a bush he thinks might be Rey. Losing his temper, the dracolich bellows.
Dinosaur Bones: IF YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK YOU ARE A CHICKEN, THAT IS JUST MAKING ME MORE HUNGRY! ...I AM JUST TRYING TO REUNITE YOU WITH YOUR FLESHLING PARENTS!
Hitting a nerve, Bones smiles as an enraged El Rey dives out of the bushes and runs towards him. That might just be how Bones face looks. Waiting for the pitch, Bones swings his club at the encroaching El Rey - only to have the actual junior leap onto the post, then jump off it with a knee strike to the jaw. Landing back on the post, Rey leap frogs over a bite attempt, hooks a leg across Bones neck - and goes for a TRIUMPH. Momentum sending Bones towards the tar - the dracolich needs to use his post as a cane to avoid falling forwards.
Zoran Sainovic: Shouldn't have brought up ze biological "parents."
Sylvia Starr: El Rey taking it too Bones, dodging claws while throwing stiff knee strikes - I've never seen him this fired up. Bones slipping backwards towards the tar - but being held up by a guard rail.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: A lucky shot - when Bones gets his footing back, one good tail strike is going to send that runt packing.
Jumping into the guardrail, El Rey springboards off with a forearm strike that takes Bones down to a knee. He then charges in with a slinger splash that makes Bones lean so hard into the guard rail, it breaks off- falling into the tar below.
Sylvia Starr: That railing was the only thing keeping Bones up-
Zoran Sainovic: Of course, if Rey can beat me- zere isn't a man, woman, or dinosaur in ze XHF zat can beat him.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: I don't much care for the looks of this-
Sylvia Starr: E-Reytio Variation 2!!!
Running into the down Bones, El Rey grabs his neck and flips over- it isn't pretty but he drags both over the edge towards the tar pit-
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
The falling rubble from the war outside sends the last fifty pilgrims scattering for safety. Using the chaos as an excuse to move forward, Harsh Winter Pilgrim shaves a few hours off his wait, arriving at the golden joint that connects Dinosaur Bones left leg.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Lord guide my hand-
Is that a crank? HWP starts to roll the crank, hoping to set up a murderous kick.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
Zoran Sainovic: Did zey both go in?
A camera races to the edge, only to find Bones and Rey struggling to stay on a rock face just above the sticky black finish. The two continue to trade shots, El Rey completely abandoning character to heroically take vengeance for his parents WHO WERE EATEN BY THE LIZARD.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: You got this Bones! 43 and 0!
Sylvia Starr: Both participants brawling away, with Bones shorter arms letting Rey hit more combinations- not to mention those vicious knees!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Sure miss, but only one of them is made of flesh - and Rey is looking pretty pulverized to me.
Zoran Sainovic: What? Your favourite is doing better because he already looks dead? Do you even hear yourself?
Bones doesn't have the same ability to lunge, like his left leg was firmly planted in the ground. He can react, but forward movement is difficult. Gravel gives way under their feet, both men sliding closer and closer to the tar as they continue to brawl. Rey refusing to act like the little man in the scenario, ad out for whatever passes as blood. Running out of room, Bones desperately swings his tail - which connects... then tries to make up the distance only to run right into a-
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Sylvia Starr: SLICED BREAD!!!!!
The impact sends the dracolich falling towards the tar-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
Putting his working right leg out, Bones stands on the previously displaced guardrail - using it as a step to avoid the tar. Smelling blood, El Rey charges down and dives into-
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Sylvia Starr: SOCIETY KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Zoran lets out a disappointed groan.
Sylvia Starr: NO! Bones catching Rey in his mouth - just biting the hell out of his ribs.
Shaking his head like a torture rack, Bones makes sure to chew out any bravery that El Rey possessed.
Sylvia Starr: RELEASE BITE-PLEX!
A bite suplex. Dinosaur Bones spits El Rey out, not finding him half as appetizing as his parents. The goal is to toss the young fleshing into the tar, but unfortunately Rey lands on the model of a wooly mammoth.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
Ghost Pumpkin Fest.
Both Murder Hobo Teams, and the Away Team have found themselves under siege by zombie vegetables. ...But I'm getting dirty looks from the admin team, so just pretend that wasn't your favourite part, because we aren't paying attention to it.
Amidst the chaos, Mutt wanders up to Lili carrying a new born swaddled in a cotton blanket.
King Edmund IV: I require a new crown, so have seen fit to trading this human baby for the insignificant bauble you wear on the furry bubble you call a head.
Lili: 我愿意用我的右睾丸作为人类婴儿零食!
King Edmund IV: Yes. I am magnanimous.
The giant panda can't remember the last time she feasted on human baby, and happily hands the Crystal Skull over to Mutt. Mutt carries it back to the monarch.
Winner of this Negotiation: King Edmund IV
Spoils: Crystal Skull Championship
King Edmund IV: Hurry you worthless fool.
Mutt and Edmund start to leave, as Lili bites into her delicious baby boy - rather starchy. Another pumpkin! And this one isn't even a zombie that can feel pain.
Lili: 你欺骗了我!
Uh oh. The angry Panda starts to wheel at high speeds towards the tricksters-
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Only to have a stick shoved in the wheel.
The wheelchair stops, with Lili sent flying out - pinning Trekker to the ground, who promptly drops the silver snipe in lower deck tote bag.
Using the stick to pull himself up, Venöm places his now crippled balloon dinosaur steed into the wheel chair, as the dinosaur needs it too. Now both Venöm and Raptor are in the chair, like some sort of horrible Voltron figure.
Venöm: Game on.
Lili rises wanting to get the chair back, only for Venöm to shoot her full of tranquilizers. The panda falls backwards, this time crushing Olympia and Sharp.
Speeding forward, Venöm picks up the bag.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
On his wooly mammoth, Rey looks like he's bleeding out.
Dinosaur Bones is still having mobility problems with his left leg, but does manage to jump over to the mammoth platform himself.
Al Jabroni: That... was... awful...
Covered in tar, Jabroni slowly crawls up onto the mammoth.
Dinosaur Bones: ...
Unfortunately Bones can't tell humans apart, and thinking that Jabroni MIGHT be Rey, promptly swallows his minion.
Sylvia Starr: Nasty way to go.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm more concerned about Bones, you have any idea what kind of diseases Jabroni has?
Sylvia Starr: You can joke, but you aren't fooling anyone- Rey is at that devil's mercy.
Zoran Sainovic: Zese zings happen. ....Zere is always a cost for beating ze boss.
So evil.
Dinosaur Bones: Mmmmmmmph.
Sadly, the tar on Jabroni has acted like peanut butter, sealing Bones mouth shut. Unable to rend the champion apart again with a bite, Bones stomps on him a few times, until- his leg seizes up.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
KNEE CAP CITY.
Sweat drips off the Harsh Winter Pilgrim as he continues to work the crank, hoping to deliver Rey a death blow.
MEANWHILE.... OUTSIDE THE BEAST.
On the wooly mammoth, Dinosaur Bones suddenly finds his left leg moving backwards like he was going to commit some massive punt.
Sylvia Starr: If he's going to kick Rey off, he should do it - there is no need to be so theoretical.
Holding his stomach with one arm like it was the only thing holding in his guts, Rey rises with an uppercut. Then an elbow. Then a forearm. It is hard throwing strikes without further opening the bite marks, but even barely standing he fights away. Mouth tarred shut, leg climbing further to the heavens, Dinosaur Bones has no defence against this assault.
Zoran Sainovic: Well... zis is unfortunate.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Looks like demonic possession - fight through it Bones!
Sylvia Starr: El Rey fighting against the odds, an actually cruiserweight fighting against the weight equivalent of twenty men and maybe just as many ghosts - but he's doing it! Bones is barely hanging on - the tail is the only thing keeping him up- Rey has this-
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Somewhere Harsh Winter Pilgrim lets go of a release lever.
Sylvia Starr: CRANE KICK!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Right on the kisser!
The impact of the massive kick knocks El Rey off the mammoth, down into the tar.
Sylvia Starr: And with that El Rey is eliminated!
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Bones wins! First global shot, and we were a natural!
Sylvia Starr: Yes, but which member of Bones will win? There are still members to be eliminated-
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Dangnabit. So Bonsey is gonna have to take a tar plunge? Zoran you lying dawg-
Zoran Sainovic: What is he doing.
With one tiny arm, Bones clears away enough tar to open his mouth. With the other, he lifts El Rey out of the tar - the former Champion is only partially covered. Enough to be eliminated, but not enough to be unappetizing.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Looks like it's feeding time.
Zoran Sainovic: Zis is unacceptable.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Ha, yah can't win 'em all, Zoran!
Zoran Sainovic: Ze match clearly stipulated zat to win, Bones could not eat Rey. Zis is a breach of contract.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: So the kid gets a little more roughed up than you were planing, those are the breaks when you mess with the bull.
Abandoning the announce position, Zoran Sainovic starts to charge closer to the tar pit. Stokes tries to cut the commissioner off, only to get stabbed for his troubles.
Sylvia Starr: You had to know these two would get involved at some point... though maybe hoped Bill would come out better. Can we get a paramedic over here?
In the tar pit, Bones scrapes some of the black substance off of Rey's leg.
Dinosaur Bones: NOW THAT THE CONTRACT HAS BEEN FULFILLED, TIME FOR A REUNION...
The dracolich starts to put Rey in his mouth, only for Zoran to ram into body with a body block that sends all three into the pit.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST!
The world suddenly turns at a 70 degree angle.
Something terrible wrong is going on.
Venöm collects the silver snipe again - only to have his wheels cause him to fall backwards. Fortunately Tongo is big enough I his current transforming state to keep Venöm fro rolling into a bed of man eating ghost pumpkins. Reaching out, Venöm catches Träcy to keep her from meeting a similar fate - only the monetary act of heroism leaves him open to a tote bag snatch.
Star Trekker (checking on silver snipe): The planet has become unstable. Three to beam out!
Buildings start to collapse, as the Murder Hobo Express huddle together - waiting for the end.
MEANWHILE.... OUTSIDE THE BEAST!
Dinosaur Bones lies halfway submerged in tar. El Rey is in his mouth. Zoran is holding the jaws open with his legs.
Zoran Sainovic: Sorry about zis Rey...
Dinosaur Bones: MMMMMMMMM-
Zoran Sainovic: Struggling to keep legs open.
Dinosaur Bones: Mmmmmmm-
Zoran Sainovic: You should know better zan zis, Bones.
Leaning forwards, Zoran lifts Rey up- with the former champion out of his throat, Bones is able to move his jaw further, almost hallowing the two men.
Dinosaur Bones: ONL IGHI NEVIBL.
Zoran Sainovic: You try to play me? I don't suffer fools.
Grunting, Zoran tosses Rey to the safety of the mammoth.
Zoran Sainovic (nodding at Rey): You did great, son.
SNAP.
Dinosaur Bones closes his jaw. Zoran is able to get his legs out in time, but is now standing on Bones closed mouth. And there are only two possible exits.
Dinosaur Bones: ANY LAST WORDS... APE?
Zoran Sainovic (shaking head): You'll NEVER take me, savage...
Reaching into his coat pockets, Sainovic pulls out two GUNS.
Zoran Sainovic: ...NOT WHILE I HAVE MY KNIFE PISTOLS!
Firing, Zoran shoots two blades down into Bones eye cavities. This causes the beast to scream in rage - but not for Zoran to get away, as both monsters plunge down into the tar pits.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes (coughing up blood from the stabbing): BONES!
Sylvia Starr: OH MY- they both went under!
You expect them to suddenly emerge, to at least fight the horrible fate - but all that emerges are bubbles - before a stillness overtakes the beckoning darkness.
Sylvia Starr (trying to no sell the possible death they just witnessed): Uh, Dr. Doofenshmirtz I assume all our participants have been under the tar pit now. Who was the last one eliminated?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz (looking in device) Wiley Sharp. Olympia. AMG. Marmaduke Matters. Buzz Lightbear. Tracy. Harsh Winter Pilgrim... Venom is under now, but he appears to have been the last-
"What am I? Tasha Yar?"
The camera pans over to Paramount +'s Star Trekker - who has apparently beamed out of the beast at the last minute.
Star Trekker (wearing a tank top): Do you see any tar on me?
Sylvia Starr: You were on the roll call, so the winner of this match, and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, DINOSAUR BONES' STAR TREKKER!
The Trekker collects his strap.
....Unfortunately while she is putting it on, the silver snipe eats a hole through her tote bag. The trouble with tribbles.