***EDITOR'S NOTE: The following was originally 8K, and had substantially more wrestling & actual roster members - only the board going down last night ate it... so this is the super abridged version, with apologies.MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.The once fertile parasite colony has seen better days, as the interior of the monster is now covered in growing seas of black ooze. The steady flow of outside goods, constantly inhaled by their monstrous host, which had created a consumer paradise - has come grinding to a halt. Almost like the devourer of worlds was in a place where he could no longer eat.
In the City of Bone, the citizens starve to death.
What is keeping the Wizard of Bone from getting the mouth to run on time?
Rather than attend to his people's needs, the ruler seems distracted, and offers simple distractions for them. At the moment the city is hosting a Clavicle Duos championship, and while the blood runs - it does little to fill their bellies or make them forget that the land is being taken over by black ooze.
Yet for these dire circumstances, there is one borough that still celebrates life.
Wooftra: ...I'm so hungry...
A small child weeps in the corner of a shanty, drawing her father's attention.
Heyouseff: Why do you cry my child?
Wooftra: We haven't eaten in weeks.
Heyouseff: Weeks? You don't know how good you have it. Why when me, your mother, and our thirty brothers were your age - we could go years without so much as a scrap.
Wooftra: I don't believe you, papa!
Getoutofthewaysen: Your papa speaks true, niece. We survived on wish roaches. That when you eat a cockroach, but it's imaginary, and you just wish you had that kind of protein. It's why we took the perilous journey to this brave new world, for better opportunities...
Heyouseff: I have eaten more in the past five years than I had in my previous thirty. So even if the yummy slime isn't flowing as freely, believe me, this is a paradise my child.
Suddenly the sounds of joyous holiday singing turn to shrieks of terror. Alarmed, Heyouseff goes to the shack's door.
Heyouseff (waving down a wailing neighbour): Singing this traditional carol seems in poor taste-
Mangycursimon (pulling herself away): RUN! HE HAS RETURNED!
The woman frantically moves on. He? He who? Who could inspire such buts of traditional holiday hysteria in Heyouseff's fellow countrymen? He can think of only one... but that is impossible. They had decided to settle inside a monster, because they knew it was the one place they couldn't be found. Their own private heaven.
Heyouseff: No... no... it can't be-
Wooftra (joining him outside): What is it, papa?
Heyouseff: Run my little Wooftra - The Devil has found u*
Before the warning leaves his lips Heyouseff & child are trampled by a rampaging MUTT.
King Edmund IV: Out of the way, you worthless peasants!
Mutt charges through dozens of sickly thin fleeing locals, barely able to breath as he carries a throne above his head with King Edmund IV riding it like a Ferrari. The King of Supremia curses at the filthy masses that slow his transportation. How furious would Edmund be if he noticed the signs proudly proclaiming this hovel "New Supremia." The monarch would have these dissidents turned into a human centipede - fortunately his attention is too fixed on the raging Panda that is hot on their heels. Since stealing the Crystal Skull championship with the offer of a tasty baby that turned out to be a knockoff, King Edmund IV has had the previous champion hot on his trail. Sadly the glut of fleeing Supremian defectors clog up the hood's exit - blocking a path out.
CRYSTAL SKULL CHAMPIONSHIP
NEW SUPREMIA GHETTO STREET FIGHT
King Edmund IV (c) w/Mutt vs. Lili
Exhausted from carrying his liege, Mutt carefully places the throne down so that he can defend them against the foul tempered Chinese national. Not caring for the view of the upcoming battle, KE4 demands that Mutt reposition the throne at a higher vantage point. Mutt happily obliges but runs out of time before he can properly Feng shui the throne, as Lili charges into him - mauling the poorly paid slave like a giant panda working over a wish bone. The throne falls over. YOU FILTHY COMMONER! Incensed at this poor form, not at all finishing school behaviour, King Edmund IV breaks his sceptre across the panda's head. All this physical excursion in exhausting. Turning to take a rest on his throne, KE4 is shocked to discover lying on the ground. If Mutt had wages you had believe they'd be garnished! Of course, Edmund has turned his back on the match so quickly that he's oblivious to the giant panda that NO SOLD the sceptre shot and is fixing to start its own federation by eating him. Before Lili can chow down on the king, a mess of gore that answers to Mutt grabs its heel, desperately trying to save its lord. Unimpressed, Lili sits on Mutt. All the blood mats in his hair, so that when Lili stands up - Mutt is stuck to him. Noticing the carnivorous beast stalking after him, King Edmund IV tries to push past the fleeing Supremia dissidents. At the sight of him, the downtrodden masses pass out - like feinting goats. What the hell is their problem? Grabbing an unconscious janitor who used to be the royal Supremia physician, not that Edmund can tell his proletarians apart to know the connection, KE4 uses the man as a human shield! Lili promptly eats the janitor. King Edmund IV continues to use human shields, but Lili just eats away. Edmund is labouring under the impression that Lili will eventually get full. ...he should really watch the shows. Weight bearing bones are crushes as Lili charges after Edmund, until eventually Little Supremia looks even more desperate than the locals original home country. As King Edmund IV runs out of substitute meal replacements for the angry beast - the smell of blood draws salvation... as The NEO Mecha Rankor crashes the party.
Result: NO CONTEST.
The NEO Mecha Rankor is the cyborg ranker seen in the JHC promos, dressed as NEO from the Matrix. He may have bullet-fu time bending skills.
Though the Neo Mecha Rankor should be more pissed at King Edmund IV for using him as a parachute sack - the bloody Mutt that Lili is accidentally wearing as a shawl draws the bigger beasts hunger, and the two monsters are soon throwing each other through the shanty town like this was Police Story.
ELSEWHERE.The Ivory Spire.
At the peak of this threatening city hall, The Wizard of Bone watches a large television - the problem is it only picks up one signal, and its Hardkore World Florida. Something about Marty Donovan's Montana based regional drives the local bureaucrat up the wall, and he vents over its program rather than deal with his own world slowly being submerged in black ooze.
Here the Hooded Scratch, Marmaduke Matters and Tongo the Transformer petition the wizard for sandbags to reinforce the barricade keeping the black river at bay on main bone street. Rather than listen to their petition, The Wizard of Bone complains about HKW:F having a tiger - and considers them deeply derivative. He seems very passionate about it. Tongo and Marmaduke pretend to care, not wanting to insult their host. Having no need for YES MEN, The Wizard promptly signs the two men up for the Clavicle Duos Championship in an effort to placate them without giving away the precious sandbags - and suggests if they win it, they call themselves the YES MEN.
On their way out of the spire to apparently become a tag team for the end of the world, Tongo notices a familiar glimmer amongst the wizards' hooded treasure - and uses his BEER MASCOT LVL 5 "mildly inebriated hustle" skill to five finger the Supremia Stone. I knew those skills would come in handy.ELSEWHERE.Stan Mikita Celebration Square.
The City of Bones' city centre has had a large screen set-up to play films for the doomed denizens.
...Only it isn't safe to gather, both for fear of black ooze rapids washing away groups, and because the locals getting together might riot against the current administration. So to discourage Boners from congregating at Stan Mikitas - the film of choice is Britney Spears' Crossroads.
This painful to watch film choice lends itself to another championship match at least.
CLAVICLE DUOS CHAMPIONSHIP
SPEARS CROSSROADS DEATH MATCH
...over a hundred violent sociopaths (so all your characters) - are patiently seated in the centre of the square watching the horrible movie. The last two people watching the film - having shown their ability to fight adversity together, just like Britney does with her friends Mimi & Kit - will be awarded silver clavicles. Now most people like having two clavicles so the joint winners will be recognized as the Bones tag champions.
Unlike the Crystal Skull screening, the Murder Hobo Express is actually behaving themselves for Crossroads. After the conservatorship press, none of them want to get cancelled for vomiting out of their eyes for this insipid movie. There best efforts are for not - when a much more appealing show bursts through a rickety house.
NEO Mecha Rankor vs. Lili
The two large beasts take their war into the public screening. Just when Britney is learning the power of friendship, the Rankor tosses Lili into the crowd. AMG breaks the giant panda's fall, only to be knocked out in the process. The referee rules AMG out - clueing the rest of the viewers into the fact that there is an easier way to win the clavicles then watching a Britney Spears movie. Bedlam ensues. ...Also the Rankor and Lili are considered part of the screening despite jining five minutes in. Trying to enjoy Anson Mount, and not caring for the Rankor's Neo Mecha mug blocking the screen, ARM815H1 MK.69 takes exception, and tackles the giant monster.
ARM815H1 MK.69 vs. NEO Mecha Rankor
The much larger brute puts up a good fight, but the razor sharp claws of the Furminator go to town, rocking the obstruction away from the film screening. Despite the Rankor being six times bigger than the furry badass, ARM815H1 chops the beast down to size - slicing off pieces like he was carving a turkey. As the two brawl down man bone street - the offence pushes NEO against the barricaded wall. With nowhere to run, the Rankor is left open to a vicious right hook that rips its metal jaw clear off. The force KOs it - right through the barricade.
Winner: ARM815H1 MK.69
SKILL LEVEL UP!
Became a LVL 56 Britney Army General, learned "Leave Britney Alone."
Officials desperately try to plug up the ranker shaped hole in their barricade as black ooze slowly fills up the Main Street. ARM815H1 MK.69 goes to return to his Anson Mount viewing - only to be told he wandered far enough away from the screening that he was eliminated. ARM815H1 MK.69 doesn't care about the clavicle titles, he just wants to watch a Britney Spears film. No dice. Frustrated, the deadliest warrior in all Bone-Land wanders off Main Bone Street, towards the weeping sea - with the look of a progene sex maniac that has given up.ELSEWHERE.Stan Mikita Celebration Square.While the rest of the Crossroads participants are at each others throats, Al Cole Hall is doing quite well. By virtue of sleeping one off, but having perfected the skill of using toothpicks to keep his eyes open so he can't be accused of sleeping on the job.
Wiley Sharpe gets through the gruelling girl power by providing a running commentary on the film with his BFF, The Cretan Minotaur. The duo's bromance blossomed out of Snack Attack Adventure Module 1701b.
Kudor backflips both the YES Men through a wall into a blackmarket. Recovering, Tongo is shocked to find everyone drinking Budlight. Resources have been scare since black ooze first appeared, where did all this liquid ambrosia come from? Marmaduke Matters explains that even though you can't get your hands on wish roaches in Bones, there is an overabundance of Bud Light - which began massing earlier in the year. "Like you couldn't give it away." Something is terribly wrong with the force. Fearing for the state of Bud Light in his absence, Tongo resolves to escape this purgatory no matter what.
Having arrived at the square from the destroyed New Supremia, an exhausted King Edmund IV approaches a concession stand that has been set-up for the event. Reaching down he downs a water. Träcy - the proprietor - demands payment. Insulted that she thinks he isn't good for it, King Edmund IV tries to give her a thousand Edmundbucks - but she doesn't accept those. As the argument becomes more heated, Träcy produces her price list.
"Bottled Water = $ Crystal Skull"King Edmund IV starts to refuse, but a referee makes it official.
Winner and *NEW* Crystal Skull Champion,
Personal Support Worker Träcy!SKILL LEVEL UP!
Träcy became a LVL 8 Sketchy Shopkeeper - learned "Shortchange Children."
SKILL LEVEL UP!
Träcy became a LVL 9 Sketchy Shopkeeper - learned "Expiry Date Time Traveller."
"My Left Foot" Venöm rolls away from Crossroads to celebrate with his better half. Officials warn he'll be eliminated, but ö doesn't care - if anything it will keep that damn panda from stealing his wheelchair. Venöm reminds Träcy that the skull is apparently their ticket back to Atlanta, the Kansas of the XHF Network. Just when it looks like one of the Crystal Skull holders is actually going to use it to take everyone home... Träcy stops herself from using it. She kind of likes the idea of being the champion of the family. Damn it.
Incensed at this theft, King Edmund IV decides he's done with the substandard federation - and promptly walks off, calling Mutt to join him. In his roadkill state, Mutt is still have a hard time peeling himself off of Lili, but backflip kicks from Kudor are slowly helping to knock him free.
ELSEWHERE.The Scarred Shores.
A determined ARM815H1 MK.69 walks towards the weeping sea.
Suddenly a large wave approaches... with a massive creature emerging from the black tar pool.
ARM815H1 MK.69 vs. Space Battleship Yamato
Before the large spaceship can fire up the Dimensional Wave Motion Explosive Compression Emitter - ARM815H1 MK.69 knocks it the fuck out with one punch. Yamato buckles in on itself - belching smoke.
Winner:
ARM815H1 MK.69SKILL LEVEL UP!
Became a LEVEL 255 Giant Slayer, learned "Fox Trot Fever"
Finished with the beast, ARM815H1 MK.69 turns to leave... only to slip.
That was embarrassing.
What is this muck on his paw? Lube?
No.
The upper half of Al Jabroni's rotting, waterlogged corpse.
The Furmenator thinks about using Upper Al as a fleshlight, but then notices a piece of paper clasped in the dead man's hand. Breaking off some fingers for later, ARM815H1 MK.69 removes the piece of paper which is how he became THE DINOSAUR BONES REPRESENTATIVE FOR THE SUPREMACY X*CROWN MATCH.
FINALLY, a chance to murder Bloodied Fox.*
*News travels slow in Bone-Land, but I'm sure Cross Recoba has said something about Armbishi that will give ARM815H1 MK.69 a reason to skull fuck the X*Crown champ. A lot of furry metal cock in the eye, really makes you think about deep dive history promos that reference deceased friends of your victims.
...But first things first, getting slim that used to be Al Jabroni off his paw.
ARM815H1 MK.69 looks like Charlie Brown dancing, as he tries to scrape the Al Jabroni off his paw.
The Beast that is Space Battleship Yamato belches up more smoke, and makes a few horrific noises, before a hatch opens up and Harsh Winter Pilgrim falls out.
HWP greets his old pal. 69, and points to the sweet submarine he picked up in knee joint city. Not only did he kick Rey's head off, Pilgrim found a vehicle that will let all his friends escape this tacky netherworld. With it, they can drop down into the black ooze, and make their way out an exit that might otherwise process them. Having been eliminated by Kudor, the YES MEN joins ARM815H1 MK.69 in admiring Pilgrim's plan. The quartet are so busy catching up, that they don't notice the enraged despot until he's half way up the ship.
Control of Space Battleship Yamato
King Edmund IV vs. ARM815H1 MK.69, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, Tongo the Transformer & Marmaduke Matters
Before the heroes of Bones can stop him, KE4 calls for Mutt - who promptly takes Tongo hostage. The protagonists can't tell if the bloodied Mutt is holding a shiv to Tongo's throat or an oh Henry bar? HWP is pretty sure its an Oh Henry, but is rendered powerless by the belief that Tongo might have a peanut allergy? The last they see of Tongo is Mutt dragging him into the ship before it disappears into the tar.
Winner:
The Glorious King Edmund IV (w/Mutt & Tongo the Transformer)
Spoils: Space Battleship Yamato, Oh Henry Bar x 1, Hostage x 1, Jabroni Leftovers x 3
Exp 999.
Skill Level Up!
Mutt became a LVL 4 Prison Enforcer, learned "Snitches Get Stitches"There is a piece of Al Jabroni MEAT.
Will you eat it?
Yes.
Before Tongo can eat the Jabroni meat and transform into a better person, the kind of person that doesn't eat human flesh, OR cannibalize corpses, Mutt slaps him with an Oh Henry bar. This is how people get Stockholm syndrome.ELSEWHERE.Stan Mikita Celebration Square.Back at the Crossroads screening, Kudor and Lili trade shots. Only Kudor does his backwards, which annoys his Bones rival to no end.
Olympia comments that it is nice to see The Cretan Minotaur and Wiley Sharp put their differences aside. What differences? His favourite food. What food? Wiley tells the Minotaur about his fondness for Rocky Mountain Oysters. Salivating, the Minotaur says he'd love to try them. Wiley promises to cook the Cretan Minotaur up a pair just as soon as they escape this maze and get back to Montana. Olympia asks Wiley if he knows Rocky Mountain Oysters are bull testicles? Come again?
Wiley Sharp starts to vomit profusely, thinking about his mouth watering favourite food.
The sound of vomiting is so loud that Al Cole Hall is startled awake - with such a start that he manages to close his eyes despite the toothpicks. Screaming in pain, Al starts to throw blind punches which knock Olympia out of her chair.
The Cretan Minotaur holds Wiley's hair back so the Rocky Mountain Oyster loving Montana native doesn't puke into it - the bromance is still alive and well. Officials inform the two that they need to keep their attention of Britney if they want to stay in the contest. Wiley continues to puke a river, while the Minotaur dutifully supports his friend. Both are eliminated.
Officials check to see if Al has blinded himself, but they aren't doctors, so all they are really qualified to do is eliminate him for not having all five senses trained on Britney Spears.
The screening is almost completely cleared out, Olympia feels confidant that-
A reverse hurricanrana from Kudor sends Lili crashing into Olympia. He thanks her for catching him, but of course, she is unconscious.
Winners and NEW Clavicle Duos Champions,
Kudor & LiliSKILL LEVEL UP!
Became a LVL 1 Feuding Tag Team, learned "Slow Tags"
It takes a lot of officials to keep the hated rivals apart, and inform them that they are now going to be seeing a lot more of one another.
ELSEWHERE.The Scarred Shores.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim mourns the loss of his boat. He really was going to get everyone out alive.
...except for Al that is. Jeez, he's everywhere.
Holding his Supremacy contract, ARM815H1 MK.69 dreams of getting revenge on Fox. He needs out. He tried to protect his friends as long as he could, but he is out of time. Pilgrim promises to find another way, but ARM815H1 MK.69 points north - and says he's just going to walk north until he breaks free.
Pilgrim tries to protest, but is distracted by the loud fighting of Lili and Kudor from up at the square. They can't even stop for a minute. As frustrated as ARM815H1 MK.69 is, if Pilgrim keeps him around the rest of the Murder Hobo Express... no one is going to get out alive. Sighing, HWP wishes MK.69 a safe journey.
ARM815H1 MK.69 promises to send help, then starts his own pilgrimage.
As they watch the Furminator disappear into the darkness, Marmaduke points out to HWP that their alien friend was the only thing keeping the scary threats in check.
Life just got a whole lot harder.