December 2023 RACE: Sippy Cup and Rememberance
Dec 31, 2023 18:09:22 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 1 more like this
Post by h2f on Dec 31, 2023 18:09:22 GMT -5
December 2023 Sippy Cup Race Featuring the CAR Rememberance
Grandma Mary: Mary’s Christmas!
Uncle: Happy Holidays, y’all!
Grandma Mary: No. There are some holidays that I don’t want to be happy. We do this one at a time.
Uncle: Well, Christmas was last week. It’s New Years now.
He gestures to the view of the mountains and race track. The race track can kindly be described as eclectic-ly festive. The stands are covered in paper snowflakes, the first third of the track has fake pumpkins of unusual size, the last third has a large fake sun. But the focus is aimed at the large jumbotron video screen facing the stands.
Grandma Mary: Fine. I’m ready to burn the tree anyways. As we close out 2023, the ENTIRE CAR Planning Committee planned this race to feature a remembrance of previous races. Butt. First. We take a moment to remember what we have lost. Not just in 2023. CAR remembers those who are no longer with us.
Uncle: You mean the departed crews?
Grandma Mary: Yes, please turn to the jumbotron.
A rainbow bridge, being a euphemism for the death of an innocent, forms in the wake of a small kitten.
Uncle: Oh. That kind of departed.
A small dog chases after the kitten.
Uncle: Was Princess Poochipino IV even in CAR?
Grandma Mary: Shhh. Dead pets get people canceled. Don’t mock their pa-
The beautiful, unsinged Armbishi running after them with open arms.
Uncle: I feel like this might be mocking their pain.
Grandma Mary: This is what happens when you leave the safety of CAR. He goes to GUNS he gets BLOWED … UP! The Greater XHF is a dangerous place.
A man, who looks suspiciously like Bob, The Formerly Immortal (Because He Used To Be A Book), chases after Armbishi. Or, more likely, the small kitten of his downfall.
Uncle: These are the moments that remind us to hug those we love.
Grandma Mary: Don’t touch me. Save your sappy words, the video isn’t over yet.
The screen is overwhelmed by a crowd of city folk. No face is clear as they run past shouting Go, Go, Go, Go, Go. In their wake are aliens.
Grandma Mary: Technically, they didn’t leave CAR but, by the sheer volume of deaths that got by the censors, I’ve included it. Objections may be addressed to the CAR Planning Committee and will be considered.
A smiling little boy runs across the screen next. He’s waving a video game display box in a bandaged hand.
Uncle: Tinto? How did he even edit himself into this?
Grandma Mary: That rascal is always getting into places he shouldn’t be. One day there will be consequences. There. That’s the end of the video.
Uncle: I don’t feel like we covered everyone.
Grandma Mary: There are some losses that are too real to be included. Our hearts remain with those who have lost someone in 2023. CAR is our happy place. But sometimes it is important to acknowledge the real pain we try to escape.
Uncle: While we must focus on the good things we expect, or hope, to happen in 2024, it is important to realize… there will be rough days. Please remember to take care of yourself in 2024. Remember to talk to others. Remember that you are not alone. I hope you can find more joy than sadness.
Grandma Mary: Frankly, I hope I’m still able to insult your fashion sense in 2025. It brings me joy.
Uncle: You’ve ruined the moment. Bring out the crews.
Grandma Mary: Our three crews racing today represent the stiff competition CAR can field on any given month. They show that XHF talent has more talents than just hitting each other real hard.
Uncle: Though they can also do that too.
Grandma Mary: Please welcome: Reedy Creek, Team Wood, and Bowler Hat Brigade. Additionally, the CAR Planning Committee would like to take a moment to recognize the support we have received from Florida Man, who has agreed to sit at the finish line and text me updates.
Uncle: About the race.
Grandma Mary: About who has won the race! First, though, we must begin the end of the year with a-
Grandma Mary: Reedy Creek and Bowler Hat Brigade are very close.
Crew Radio:
Death Trap: SUCK ON MY STYLISH FANCY HABERDASHERY YOU CLODS!
Dr. Chaos: He’s certainly gotten wordy hasn’t he?
Uncle: Unusually violent as we approach the Pumpkin Cannons.
Grandma Mary: These pumpkins have been waiting for a while. The freeze thaw cycle has not been kind to them- check out that air!
Uncle: The first pumpkin is in the air and heading for Team Wood. They veer right. Reedy Creek veers left.
Grandma Mary: Another is in the air! It’s aiming just in front of the Bowler Hat Brigade’s corvette.
Crew Radio:
Mistress Discipline: STOP DAMAGING HIM! He is important. I need him in one piece for the celebratory … after party.
Uncle: All of our crews are important. Also, we don’t have an afterparty on the books.
Grandma Mary: New Year’s Party at my house!
Uncle: What? No! Let us focus on this race please. The Crews have made it past the pumpkins and are heading for the-
Grandma Mary: Feather cannon! Kicking doof at his own game.
Uncle: They aren’t even in this race.
Crew Radio:
Greg Adkins: Not the feathers again! I’m closing my eyes. Jesus, take the wheel! I mean Frank! Frank, take the wheel!
Uncle: and now we can’t see. Mom. Mom, did you think this one through?
Grandma Mary: Yes. It’s the second obstacle, not the third. The feathers will clear before the end of the race.
Uncle: What was that?
Grandma Mary: Reedy Creek and Bowler Hat have caught up to Team Wood.
Uncle: How can you tell?
Grandma Mary: The colors in the feathers. They’re all bunched up there, see.
Uncle: Looks like Bowler Hat is edging forward.
Grandma Mary: Looks like Reedy Creek is Edging forward.
Uncle: Here comes the beach balls
Grandma Mary: Reedy Creek bears right.
Uncle: Bowler Hat in the lead.
Grandma Mary: Team Wood swerves left.
Uncle: Reedy Creek in front.
Grandma Mary: Here comes the finish line.
Uncle: It’s a close one!
Grandma Mary: While we wait for the official words on who won. CAR would like to thank all those who have participated in the Sippy Cup today. CAR would also like to thank all those who have participated in CAR this year. We are in a unique situation in that it is difficult to recognize everyone for their efforts. We know that the behind the race track, our crews put in a ton of effort that is not limited to what is seen in the races. Thank you for your efforts.
Uncle: And thank you to our viewers. Without you, we would be very sad.
Grandma Mary: You’re still sad. Now, third place will be awarded to Team Wood.
Uncle: They had a really strong showing earlier in the season and we look forward to seeing what they can do in the future.
Grandma Mary: Yes. The first and second place are harder to place. Both crews have really included good work. They both deserve to win. They both are a vital part of the CAR family. That is why we outsource all decisions on winners to an independent person.
Uncle: And it's a tie, isn’t it.
Grandma Mary: The Sippy Cup will be awarded to BOTH Bowler Hat and Reedy Creek. Both Crews have earned their own Sippy Cups! Good job, crews.
Uncle: I’m sure Mongo will love this.
Grandma Mary: Speaking of Mongo, CAR will be sending a representative to the Super-Pee-Duper event.
Uncle: The what now?
Grandma Mary: In January, Mistress Discipline will face off with all those… degenerates in the larger XHF. I’m sure she has what it takes to take CAR to the top! See you all in the new year!