BONE-LAND. [05] BATTLE FOR HEGEMONY (in pieces)
Jan 16, 2024 3:22:52 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, h2f, and 2 more like this
Post by mosler on Jan 16, 2024 3:22:52 GMT -5
Tokyo, Japan.
Despite certain Japanese affiliates suggesting that the majestic arena had been burnt to a crisp, the Tokyo Dome has never looked better. Was it all a dream, or has it been painstakingly rebuilt over the past year? Aerial views show the memorable structure against the bustling cityscape as night falls, before cutting to drone shots of the interior. While many of the local fans were apparently put to the flame by J-RoK, enough of them survived that the Dome appears to be at full capacity. If you rebuild it, they will come. Like his Field of Dreams inspiration, are the 55,000 souls in attendance enough to wake the appetite of The Dread Lord? As the drones zoom past the attendees, John Coltrane's "My Favourite Things" plays over the PA system, and purple fireworks signal the start of the broadcast.
The camera cuts from the establishing shots of the venue to the announce position at ringside, where the voice of the Dinosaur Bones federation, "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes, has been joined for the broadcast by Joey Hawke. The sheer number of wrestling fans in attendance brings a tear to the old cowboy's eye.
Hawke: Happy New Years, XHF! Welcome fans to the first PREMIUM Global Event of the Year! Before you can have Supremacy, there must be a Battle For Hegemony! Traditionally used to select the top contenders for the X*Crown, this year it has been misappropriated by the Dinosaur Bones promotion to raise the necessary funds required to drain the La Brea Tar Pits and rescue the corpse of its founder, Dinosaur Bones.
Stokes: Darn tooting'! Though with these many apes gathered in one place, Bonsey may come to us with out an exaction, just to get his grub on!
Hawke: ...excuse me...
Stokes: Hooo doggie! What a crowd! XHF, we surely do appreciate the support!
Hawke: It's an impressive line-up...
Stokes: And how! Folks liked treaten' us like we were a phoney federation, that only existed to keep Bones from getting in trouble for chowin' down... but look at us now! Swallowing all the global titles like they were McNuggets! And with ARM815H1 MK.69 heading to Supremacy - it's only a matter of time for we round 'em all up!
Hawke: Let's not get ahead of ourselves Tumbleweed. To get to Supremacy, first The Glorious Reign of Supremia's King Edmund the Forth has to defend the tag championship against J-Rok's Off The Wagon, and Trekker has to defend the JHC against HKW's Simon Cruise.
Stokes: We surely appreciate the support.
Hawke: Also on the card, Florida Man defending his W:UK Commonwealth title against Oblivion Death Squad's Moloch, GUNS Phoenix title will be contested with Redmond Fury attempted to claim his strap from the Widow Wombat...
Stokes: And I was mighty sorry the XHF didn't think HKW Florida deserved an X slot, but we got the next best thing, as their top dog puts his collar on the line against that young whippersnapper Vile "Vince" Viper. Haven't seen young Vinnie since '78.
Hawke: ....I think this is that Viper's great, great, great, great, great grandson.
Stokes: ........Jesus.
Hawke: But kicking off festivities, we have a Battle Royale!
Hawke: Back at the End of Days 2023 Pay Per View-
Stokes: When poor Bonsey was once again confined to the tar pit-
Hawke: The same Junior heavyweight match saw Zoran Sainovic sink beneath the tar, and he is presumed dead, but there was one victim whose fate is known.
Stokes: Bonsey has a hard time telling us warm blooded critters apart, and feasted well on Al Jabroni. So I thought it was only fitting to pay tribute to his brave sacrifice. For the past two months, the DB brand has been hosting qualifiers across Europe and the Americas, to make sure only the best and the brightest would compete in this memorial...
Hawke: Let's throw it over to Bonnie Jenkins...
A picture of the late Al Jabroni appears on the tron. He appears genuinely peaceful in the image. It should be noted that heavy black bars cover up a veritable valley of genitalia that surround the cherubesque Jabroni, as it has clearly been taken on a pornset. Panning down from the orgy still frame, the camera finds Bonnie Jenkins standing in the centre of the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, our opening contest of the evening is a BATTLE ROYALE for the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup! The only way to eliminate an opponent is to throw them out over the top rope, and have both feet touch the ground until only one wrestler remains...
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first the GUNS Tag Team Champions... Noel Edmonds and MISTER BLOOOOOOOOOOBBBY, THOSE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the Tokyo Dome until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to centre of the ring to how Bonnie's close-up, and await the battle royale fodder to come.
Noel Edmonds: For Al's sake, we've got this in the bag! Besides the numbers are with us...
It is at this unfortunate moment that Noel notices Bonnie walking down the steel steps.
Noel Edmonds: Hang on, aren't you forgetting something?
Bonnie Jenkins (continuing to timekeeper's table): No.
Noel Edmonds: What about our opponents? The rest of the participants?
Bonnie Jenkins: You're it.
Noel Edmonds: NOW WAIT, what about all the people who want to pay tribute to Al's life?
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Blobby grabs Noel by the neck to throw him out- so Noel calls a timeout.
Noel Edmonds: Change of plans! Rather than work together against all the pathetic, unemployed, Next Level losers we thought were going to come out of the woodwork like it was HOBO Fights and someone had offered a turkey sandwich as a prize - it looks like it's down to us already.
Agreeing enthusiastically, Blobby again grabs Edmond by the neck to toss him.
Noel Edmonds: So you're going to have to eliminate yourself.
Mr.Blobby: Blobby?
Noel Edmonds (pointing to the floor): I'm not taking that bump. I'm libel to break something. Nothing for it. You have to throw yourself out.
Blobby starts to make a counter argument for why Al would have preferred for the Christmas crooner to win this memorial match, but wrestling isn't decided by fanciful speeches, and it doesn't take long before Noel evicersates any reasonable point. Crestfallen Blobby resigns himself to the sacrifice.
Hawke: So the Crinkly Bottom Boys are the only participants? I thought the Bones federation conducted hundreds of qualifiers...
Stokes: We did.
Hawke: But only these two advanced to the actual battle royale?
Stokes: We were very thorough.
Hawke: I'm just surprised more talent aren't trying to honour Jabroni's memory.
Stokes: ...Well... not to speak ill of the dead, but its not like Al didn't spend the last year of his career as Bonsey's thrall. Very Reinfeld like, tricking all manner of folks into becoming happy meals. I can see were Jabroni's legacy might be tarnished by that.
Hawke: Don't you do the same?
Stokes: I have Bonesy eating take-out, not taking people out. That is slander, Joey.
Hawke: I take it back. ....And speaking of taking it back, it looks like Blobby is having second thoughts about taking a dive.
Noel is already celebrating his win, when Blobby cheap shots the old man from behind - sending Noel over the top rope. No sooner does Edmonds hit the concert HARD, then Blobby acts like he was just climbing over the top rope and it was an honest mistake.
Edmonds: MY LEG!
Hawke: Noel looks hurt. That's why you don't see a lot of oxygenarians in battle royals.
Stokes: Couldn't pay me to be in a battle royal, dagnabbit.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Noel Edmonds has been eliminated, therefore the last participant in the battle royal, and winner of the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup,
MISSSSSSSSSTER BLOBBBBBBY!
Mr.Blobby raises his plastic cup with Jabroni's likeness, like he just won the Super Bowl. The Japanese audience are quite enthustiastic - not because they are overly familiar with the BBC origins of the Crinkley crew, but Blobby large misshapen form appeals to their mascot culture. As Edmonds howls of pain cut into the festivities, Mr.Blobby decides to run away.
Hawke: And there you have it, what might be our only clean finish of the show.
Stokes: You ain't lying.
Hawke: As Mr.Blobby possibly seriously injures his tag team championship partner, AND tries to avoid Noel's wrath... a friendly reminder that GUNS Season five will be launching shortly. Will the GUNS Tag Champions be on the same page in time to defend?
Stokes: They are cooking with fire!
Despite certain Japanese affiliates suggesting that the majestic arena had been burnt to a crisp, the Tokyo Dome has never looked better. Was it all a dream, or has it been painstakingly rebuilt over the past year? Aerial views show the memorable structure against the bustling cityscape as night falls, before cutting to drone shots of the interior. While many of the local fans were apparently put to the flame by J-RoK, enough of them survived that the Dome appears to be at full capacity. If you rebuild it, they will come. Like his Field of Dreams inspiration, are the 55,000 souls in attendance enough to wake the appetite of The Dread Lord? As the drones zoom past the attendees, John Coltrane's "My Favourite Things" plays over the PA system, and purple fireworks signal the start of the broadcast.
DINOSAUR BONES, in association with THE XHF NETWORK Hungrily Presents:
BATTLE FOR HEGEMONY V
DINO-LAND V
THE DINOSAUR BONES MEMORIAL BBQ V
The camera cuts from the establishing shots of the venue to the announce position at ringside, where the voice of the Dinosaur Bones federation, "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes, has been joined for the broadcast by Joey Hawke. The sheer number of wrestling fans in attendance brings a tear to the old cowboy's eye.
Hawke: Happy New Years, XHF! Welcome fans to the first PREMIUM Global Event of the Year! Before you can have Supremacy, there must be a Battle For Hegemony! Traditionally used to select the top contenders for the X*Crown, this year it has been misappropriated by the Dinosaur Bones promotion to raise the necessary funds required to drain the La Brea Tar Pits and rescue the corpse of its founder, Dinosaur Bones.
Stokes: Darn tooting'! Though with these many apes gathered in one place, Bonsey may come to us with out an exaction, just to get his grub on!
Hawke: ...excuse me...
Stokes: Hooo doggie! What a crowd! XHF, we surely do appreciate the support!
Hawke: It's an impressive line-up...
Stokes: And how! Folks liked treaten' us like we were a phoney federation, that only existed to keep Bones from getting in trouble for chowin' down... but look at us now! Swallowing all the global titles like they were McNuggets! And with ARM815H1 MK.69 heading to Supremacy - it's only a matter of time for we round 'em all up!
Hawke: Let's not get ahead of ourselves Tumbleweed. To get to Supremacy, first The Glorious Reign of Supremia's King Edmund the Forth has to defend the tag championship against J-Rok's Off The Wagon, and Trekker has to defend the JHC against HKW's Simon Cruise.
Stokes: We surely appreciate the support.
Hawke: Also on the card, Florida Man defending his W:UK Commonwealth title against Oblivion Death Squad's Moloch, GUNS Phoenix title will be contested with Redmond Fury attempted to claim his strap from the Widow Wombat...
Stokes: And I was mighty sorry the XHF didn't think HKW Florida deserved an X slot, but we got the next best thing, as their top dog puts his collar on the line against that young whippersnapper Vile "Vince" Viper. Haven't seen young Vinnie since '78.
Hawke: ....I think this is that Viper's great, great, great, great, great grandson.
Stokes: ........Jesus.
Hawke: But kicking off festivities, we have a Battle Royale!
THE AL JABRONI MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYALE
Hawke: Back at the End of Days 2023 Pay Per View-
Stokes: When poor Bonsey was once again confined to the tar pit-
Hawke: The same Junior heavyweight match saw Zoran Sainovic sink beneath the tar, and he is presumed dead, but there was one victim whose fate is known.
Stokes: Bonsey has a hard time telling us warm blooded critters apart, and feasted well on Al Jabroni. So I thought it was only fitting to pay tribute to his brave sacrifice. For the past two months, the DB brand has been hosting qualifiers across Europe and the Americas, to make sure only the best and the brightest would compete in this memorial...
Hawke: Let's throw it over to Bonnie Jenkins...
A picture of the late Al Jabroni appears on the tron. He appears genuinely peaceful in the image. It should be noted that heavy black bars cover up a veritable valley of genitalia that surround the cherubesque Jabroni, as it has clearly been taken on a pornset. Panning down from the orgy still frame, the camera finds Bonnie Jenkins standing in the centre of the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, our opening contest of the evening is a BATTLE ROYALE for the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup! The only way to eliminate an opponent is to throw them out over the top rope, and have both feet touch the ground until only one wrestler remains...
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first the GUNS Tag Team Champions... Noel Edmonds and MISTER BLOOOOOOOOOOBBBY, THOSE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the Tokyo Dome until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to centre of the ring to how Bonnie's close-up, and await the battle royale fodder to come.
Noel Edmonds: For Al's sake, we've got this in the bag! Besides the numbers are with us...
It is at this unfortunate moment that Noel notices Bonnie walking down the steel steps.
Noel Edmonds: Hang on, aren't you forgetting something?
Bonnie Jenkins (continuing to timekeeper's table): No.
Noel Edmonds: What about our opponents? The rest of the participants?
Bonnie Jenkins: You're it.
Noel Edmonds: NOW WAIT, what about all the people who want to pay tribute to Al's life?
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Blobby grabs Noel by the neck to throw him out- so Noel calls a timeout.
Noel Edmonds: Change of plans! Rather than work together against all the pathetic, unemployed, Next Level losers we thought were going to come out of the woodwork like it was HOBO Fights and someone had offered a turkey sandwich as a prize - it looks like it's down to us already.
Agreeing enthusiastically, Blobby again grabs Edmond by the neck to toss him.
Noel Edmonds: So you're going to have to eliminate yourself.
Mr.Blobby: Blobby?
Noel Edmonds (pointing to the floor): I'm not taking that bump. I'm libel to break something. Nothing for it. You have to throw yourself out.
Blobby starts to make a counter argument for why Al would have preferred for the Christmas crooner to win this memorial match, but wrestling isn't decided by fanciful speeches, and it doesn't take long before Noel evicersates any reasonable point. Crestfallen Blobby resigns himself to the sacrifice.
Hawke: So the Crinkly Bottom Boys are the only participants? I thought the Bones federation conducted hundreds of qualifiers...
Stokes: We did.
Hawke: But only these two advanced to the actual battle royale?
Stokes: We were very thorough.
Hawke: I'm just surprised more talent aren't trying to honour Jabroni's memory.
Stokes: ...Well... not to speak ill of the dead, but its not like Al didn't spend the last year of his career as Bonsey's thrall. Very Reinfeld like, tricking all manner of folks into becoming happy meals. I can see were Jabroni's legacy might be tarnished by that.
Hawke: Don't you do the same?
Stokes: I have Bonesy eating take-out, not taking people out. That is slander, Joey.
Hawke: I take it back. ....And speaking of taking it back, it looks like Blobby is having second thoughts about taking a dive.
Noel is already celebrating his win, when Blobby cheap shots the old man from behind - sending Noel over the top rope. No sooner does Edmonds hit the concert HARD, then Blobby acts like he was just climbing over the top rope and it was an honest mistake.
Edmonds: MY LEG!
Hawke: Noel looks hurt. That's why you don't see a lot of oxygenarians in battle royals.
Stokes: Couldn't pay me to be in a battle royal, dagnabbit.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Noel Edmonds has been eliminated, therefore the last participant in the battle royal, and winner of the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup,
MISSSSSSSSSTER BLOBBBBBBY!
Mr.Blobby raises his plastic cup with Jabroni's likeness, like he just won the Super Bowl. The Japanese audience are quite enthustiastic - not because they are overly familiar with the BBC origins of the Crinkley crew, but Blobby large misshapen form appeals to their mascot culture. As Edmonds howls of pain cut into the festivities, Mr.Blobby decides to run away.
Hawke: And there you have it, what might be our only clean finish of the show.
Stokes: You ain't lying.
Hawke: As Mr.Blobby possibly seriously injures his tag team championship partner, AND tries to avoid Noel's wrath... a friendly reminder that GUNS Season five will be launching shortly. Will the GUNS Tag Champions be on the same page in time to defend?
Stokes: They are cooking with fire!