MEANWHILE.... AT THE TOKYO DOME.The audience are SPENT.
Hawke: That was the greatest thing I have ever seen.
Stokes: I will never wash these eyes again.
Hawke: I may have to retire from broadcasting. Wrestling is broken for me. How can I commentate in a world where I KNOW I will never watch anything as bloody, intense, technically masterful, passionate, fluid, PURE or flat out as good... as Black Venom again?
Stokes: I'll take over your global commentating, Joey, I'm used to living with regret.
Hawke: Thanks Tumbleweed.
Stokes: And I can die happy having witnessed that breathtaking spectacle.
Hawke: Fans, be sure to tell your friends and families to order the repeat of tonight's broadcast, which was all solid, but JUST for the glory that is Black Venom.
Stokes: Don't get their hopes up. That will be edited out of the broadcast... never to be seen again.
Hawke: But why?
Stokes: It was too good, the wrestling equivalent of an oldy time religious experience... not meant for mortal eyes.
Hawke: Too true.
As it dawns on the excited answers that its all downhill from here - life - they take a moment to collect themselves.
Hawke: Well fans thanks for joining-
Stokes: Hang on Joey, we still have the main event.
Hawke: What could possibly follow the holy grail we just witnessed?
Stokes: The only thing that could possibly follow it... a snake wrestling a dog.
Joey does a spit take.
Hawke: Why would you close with that?
Stokes: Two reasons. Wrestling doggies are special attractions, like bears, dwarves, or women. It's got that sideshow hooha that all them kids like on their ticktocks. Let's folks know its an event.
Hawke: If you say so...
Stokes: And besides. You ever hear of Triple V working the undercard? I put Vile anywhere but the main event, and he'd skin me alive. Seriously. I'd be a coat. ...A nice duster I imagine, with double breasted inline pockets for your nicknacks and whatnots. Quality craftsmanship, none of that Philippine sweat shop single's stitch work. Yeah, 32theV is a heck of a guy.
Hawke: Um, the person working in Hardkore Florida, isn't the Vincent Viper you know.
Stokes: Sure he is, professional wrestling equivalent of Beelzebub... a little more Satanic than Venom... short guy, talks with a lisp?
Hawke: Definitely not the same.
Stokes: ...Yeah, no one else would dare use his name. Marty Donovan must really have it in for that doggie. Should be one heck of a contest.
HKW FLORIDA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ACE (c) vs. Vile Vince Viper XIV
Hawke: Well fans its the heavyweight title from Hardkore World's Florida territory, don't let the fact that they weren't given a Supremacy X slot fool you - I'm assured that it is a real federation.
Stokes: Network brass were probably just worried the doggie would run circles around his tail, instead of Curtis D. Kanyon. There is a certain Psychotic Goth professional polish... but I have a feeling this match will make them regret their elitist decision.
Hawke: Oh, I'm sure this match will make us all regret a number of things, Tumbleweed.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is scheduled for one fall, is for the HKW Florida championship, and has a two hour time limit because THERE MUST BE A WINNER!
Hawke: That is a shame. Time limit draw is about the only non-finish we haven't seen tonight... oh no... is this going two hours?
Stokes: Don't worry, Joey. It'd only take Vile two hours to go through the pooch if he had to wait in line at the veterinarian to have the animal put to sleep... and Vile ain't that kind.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the champion, standing at 2'2", and weighing in at 88lbs - he comes to us from Naples, Florida - please give a warm XHF welcome to Florida Man's faithful dog, ACCCCCCCCCCCE!!!!!!!!!
Up on the entrance ramp, a member of the ring crew places a hoola hoop upright on a stand. After a few seconds of playing with a lighter, the crew member sets the hoop on fire! Within moments of the blaze, a dark shadow bounds out of the back curtains and leaps through the flaming ring! It's a derelict whose five sheets to the wind! It's a surprisingly hairy child with developmental problems! NO! It's Florida Man's trusty canine, ACE! As George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" pumps over the PA system, the German Sheppard races down the aisle like it had been trained to bite the nuts off intruders to the ring.
Hawke: The champion coming out first?
Stokes: It's a doggie, Joey. I think its mighty impressive he came out at all. I don't even want to know how much steak the crew rubbed on the ring.
Hawke: I know the XHF has a lot of bears, but I just want to say for the record, I am very uncomfortable with the implied animal violence that ACE represents.
Stokes: Exactly. Special attraction! Remind me not to tell you about the working conditions on Milo and Otis, these Japanese fans are very open minded.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent...
Bonnie Jenkins: The man, the myth, the legend... Vile "Vince" Viperrrrrrr- Fourteen!
The audience start crowding around the guardrails in anticipation of the next performer. Fond or not, the hall of famer is one of their earliest memories of wrestling. How long has he been doing this? Many of them were shocked the old man hadn't retired, or died, let alone was appearing in such a small outfit as HKW:F'd... so actually seeing him perform is quite the novelty. A sea of ancient merch clearly acquired on ebay to be autographed this evening - from giant foam gloves, to those plushies that were choking hazards - lines the aisle. So the crowd looks visible confused when the Teddybears' "Cobrastyle" starts blasting out of the PA system. Ray Bryant pulls back the curtains, for a teenager in a scaley onesie to worm out on the ground.
Skip Mercer: Ssss... imma snake!
Yes this cheap knockoff... is a teenager in a scaley onesie. Confusion soon leads to hatred, as the crowd notices the 14 in graphics package- feeling suckered by this obvious imposter. Oblivious to the negative reaction, the 14th person to use the Vile Vince Viper gimmick, hops around trying to work the crowd. They throw shit at him. Making matters worse, this Viperteer thinks the boos are because he's breaking character, and decides to act more like a snake... crawling even slower.
Stokes: Wait, did Vile somehow find the fountain of youth, and revert back to his more juvenile fourteen-year-old self? Why has he been holding out on me? To be fourteen again!
Hawke: No, it's clearly a ripoff.
Stokes: ...but that's suicidal.
Finally arriving at ringside, Skip's manager sits at the timekeeper's table, while Mercer shakes hands with ACE, and pets him for knowing how to shake.
Stokes: Someone stop this nonsense!
DING! DING! DING!Hawke: There's the bell.
Ace licks VVV's face.
Skip Mercer: Hahahahahaha- he's tickling me!
Raymond Bryant: Keep your game face on, Skip!
Stokes: No good can come of this...
Hawke: You think?
A glass of water on the announcer's desk starts to vibrate. Faint at first, but then harder as something big draws near...
Hawke: Viper throwing a stick, playing catch with Ace.
Stokes: Jesus H. Christ!
Suddenly a fifteen foot tyrannosaurus rex robot that looks suspiciously like Grimlock - the Dinobot, not Steve Awesome - burst through entranceway.
Stokes: YES! I knew if I held this show he'd return. Welcome Back BONSEY!
Hawke: Have your eyes checked, Stokes, it's a robot!
MECHA Dinosaur Bones:
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - sound of a fax machine -
AAAAAA!!!Giant mechanical eyes stare daggers at the ring. Steam shoots out of its nose. The ground vibrates with each massive step, as the robot dinosaur starts to lumber down the aisle.
Stokes: He doesn't look happy.
Hawke: Someone use dog food to lure Ace out of here, otherwise-
The robot attacks the ring.
MAIN EVENT
THREE-WAY-DANCE
MECHA DINOSAUR BONES vs. ACE vs. VILE VINCE VIPER 14
Skip Mercer tries to leap out of the ring, but the large robot gives chase.