JH Title Match 6: The Unsponsored Mascot
Feb 15, 2024 20:08:28 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, bloodiedfox, and 1 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Feb 15, 2024 20:08:28 GMT -5
*BANG BANG BANG! A Parmount paperweight is repeatedly slammed again an metallic surface. A notation on the screen lets us know that we’re at the Paramount+ office in New York. It appears to be some sort of dimly-lit seminar room. The faceless (due to the darkness) audience chants “UNSUB!” over and over again (To find out what that means, watch Criminal Minds, currently streaming on Paramount+…and several other services as well!). A voice bellows from behind a series of podiums.*
Judge: WE WILL HAVE ORDER!
*He again clangs the paperweight until the people quiet down. The man is not alone; several others are behind similar podiums in order to make them look taller. In front of them stands a single lithe figure, the Star Trekker.*
Judge: You have been found guilty of advertising content that is featured on a rival streaming service- thus you have committed treason against us! Now you shall be sent-
Trekker: What!? I don’t even get a proper trial?
*One of the other’s behind the podiums speaks up.*
Executive: Legally speaking this isn’t a trial, it’s a disciplinary hearing.
Trekker: Whatever. Look- I mean look at me. Have I ever done anything except promote Star Trek? I even won a title for you guys!
*She holds up the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship.*
Trekker: And what, because YOU sold out and let another streaming service have the Star Trek movies for a while I’M to blame? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
*Again the makeshift gavel is banged, sparks fly from the force.*
Judge: SILENCE! For the act of promoting another streaming service the Star Trek Initiative has been rescinded.
Trekker: YOU’RE FIRING ME OVER THIS!?
Judge: Laying you off would be a mercy. NO, you are being sent to the remote mines of RURA PENTHE!
Executive: Oh for the love of- JIM! We’re literally punishing her for referencing the Star Trek movies, which are currently contracted to Max, why are you talking about Star Trek VI?
Judge: Sorry Jan, it’s been a rough week. What I meant to say was, “NO! You are being sent to the remote floor of 6!”
Trekker: ACCOUNTING!? Ugh I’d rather be fired.
Judge: THIS CO- DISCIPLINARY HEARING IS ADJOURNED!
*He bangs the makeshift gavel some more.*
*Everything is white. It takes a moment for our eyes to adjust to the blinding florescent lights accented by the stark white walls. As the camera pans down it finds a massive open floor filled with cubicles and seemingly only one small window. The sound of groans and the clacks of keyboards fill the air. Now dressed in “Far Beyond the Stars” cosplay, our heroine the Star Trekker idly taps away at her computer.*
Trekker: I don’t think this could get any worse. Here I am, the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion- which by the way nobody seems to want to acknowledge- and I’m stuck in accounting? Ugh, how do people survive here?
*A head pops up over her cubicle and whispers.*
Accountant 1: They don’t. If you can’t adapt here you don’t. Period.
Trekker: That seems a bit extreme; I mean it is boring bu-
Accountant 1: Why do you think there’s only one window, and one so small most people can’t fit through?
*Pause, think, blink.*
Trekker: Ok that’s fair.
Accountant 1: Just keep your head down and forget about the soul-crushing part and you’ll be fine.
*He then retreats below the wall of his partition. Trekker head-desks onto her keyboard and whines. As she wallows in her new job some vaguely ethnic music starts to play- really drum heavy stuff.*
Accountant 2 (Voice): Hey, is that a skeleton doing a fan dance?
Accountant 3 (Voice): Better, it’s a skeleton-man doing a fan dance!
Accountant 1 (Voice): If he’s not careful I might see his coccyx!
*Our protagonist picks her head up.*
Trekker: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…
*She peeks her head above the partition of her assigned cubicle.*
Trekker: It’s not even the right movie, that’s from Final Frontier! But wait, if he’s here, then…
*The former embodiment of Paramount+ follows the sound to the single tiny window on the floor. Looking below she finds Lord Dominicus standing in front of the DominiCruiser holding a massive boom box over his head like John Cusack in “Say Anything.” She calls out to him.*
Trekker: That’s not even a Paramount movie!
LD: I DON’T CARE YOU STUPID-
*A convenient quick cut drowns out the rest of that, but a loud “JUST JUMP!” makes it through. The Star Trekker considers her options as Big Bone continues to fan dance by the entrance.*
Trekker: Well, he wouldn’t go to all this trouble just to kill me, would he?
*With a deep, nervous breath she backs up and makes a running dive toward freedom…or death. Either one is better than accounting.*
*With all the speed you’d expect when falling many stories the Star Trekker lands on a stack of mattresses with a mighty bounce.*
Trekker: Haha, heck yeah!
LD: Watch out for the second impact.
*He looks up at her in the air.*
Trekker: The wha-
*And then he watches as she slams face first into the pavement.*
LD: Yeaaah, that’s what happened when I did it too.
*SMASH CUT to everyone getting into the DominiCruiser. LD is driving, Big Bone is riding shotgun, and Trekker is in a previously unused backseat. The former DARK LORD OF CAR is burning rubber as they make their escape.*
Trekker: Thanks for the rescue! Wait, you never let me ride in the car- what’s going on?
LD: We had to make sure you were able to get to your next scheduled match.
Trekker: Awww, you do care!
LD: You’re wrestling in cheese.
*Another set of blinks as the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion processes the new information.*
Trekker: Wait, what?
*Big Bone passes a leaflet advertising the match.*
LD: You think that we’d miss up a chance to see you wallowing around in fromage like a small-town SMILF hoping to lure one of her methed-up baby-daddies back to her house by showing him how much she’s willing to degrade herself?
Trekker: SMILF?
BB: Single Mo-
Trekker: Ah, Single, I can put the rest of that together myself. But what is this nonsense!? I have to fight an interviewer, a child, a squid-man, and Kasper Van Zant in cheese!?
LD: Don’t forget the dog.
Trekker: WHAT!? I thought that was just for aesthetics!
LD: Haha, yeah it’s great. You’re gonna look so stupid and ruin your clothes and your credibility.
Trekker: Who is the sadist who made this match!? Or is it a pervert!? Or somebody with an axe to grind?!
LD: Wow right on the nose, it’s Grandma Mary
Trekker: UGGGGGHHH, I knew she always had a thing for Marty’s trashy sidepiece. I’d rather have died on impact.
*The now on-the-lamb mascot throws herself onto the backseat. Then she stops and thinks to herself.*
Trekker: Wait, guys, can we go back?
LD: Pfft, your career there is over now, only wrestling in various liquids is left for you.
Trekker: No, I think I forgot my title; I probably need that for the match.
*In the front seat Big Bone starts to unwrap the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship from a black velvet cloth in his lap. While still driving Dominicus pushes the cloth back over the gold in order to dissuade BB.*
LD: Are you still pretending to be a champ? That’s cute but really you should get that concussion checked out.
*He chuckles to himself as we fade out.*
*A phone camera flicks on as its on-table-level, probably propped against something. Trekker grumbles as she lowers her body to fit the frame.*
Trekker: Ok, so here I am, jobless, with no more sponsorship, about to wrestle a dog in cheese. I think it’s safe to say that I’m at my lowest point.
*She sighs.*
Trekker: But let me tell you guys something- cheese? That’s my home field. A dog in a wrestling ring? That’s kitschy, but not cheesy. Yet another dude in a squid mask, it’s unsettling- but not cheesy. An interviewer chasing a career that dried up 20 years ago still wearing spandex? It’s sad-
LD (voice): HEY!
Trekker: …but it’s not cheesy. The kid? Concerning but not cheesy. KVZ being the only person in her family not named Slammed? That’s empowering but far from cheesy.
*The still-wearing-a-Star-Trek-uniformed young JH Champ taps the table with her finger.*
Trekker: Tinto, Funaki, Kasper, Theodor, and…Phil? Hopefully I pronounced that right. You guys are all weird- no doubt about that. But this isn’t a “wrestling in weird” match. It’s The Cheesiest Match in the XHF and me?
*She points to herself.*
Trekker: Look at me. Look at how I dress. Look at my devotion to Star Trek and how consistent I am in that. It’s weird too, but it’s also cheesy as heck. I’m not just cheesy, I am the cheese.
*Stop, consider a moment.*
Trekker: Well not THE Cheez, that’s a different wrestler. But I am by far the cheesiest person in this match. So as we degrade ourselves, just remember, I’ve been looking like a cheese head since the start. And if being the queen of cheesy matches had a reward…
*She quickly tosses the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship onto the table, it shakes the camera a bit and takes up almost all the frame.*
Trekker: Then judging by my run so far I guess this would be it. So suck on that, you weirdoes. Anyway, I gotta go, low battery. I left my charger at the office.
LD (voice): AND YOU’RE NOT USING MINE!
*Click to black...*
Judge: WE WILL HAVE ORDER!
*He again clangs the paperweight until the people quiet down. The man is not alone; several others are behind similar podiums in order to make them look taller. In front of them stands a single lithe figure, the Star Trekker.*
Judge: You have been found guilty of advertising content that is featured on a rival streaming service- thus you have committed treason against us! Now you shall be sent-
Trekker: What!? I don’t even get a proper trial?
*One of the other’s behind the podiums speaks up.*
Executive: Legally speaking this isn’t a trial, it’s a disciplinary hearing.
Trekker: Whatever. Look- I mean look at me. Have I ever done anything except promote Star Trek? I even won a title for you guys!
*She holds up the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship.*
Trekker: And what, because YOU sold out and let another streaming service have the Star Trek movies for a while I’M to blame? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
*Again the makeshift gavel is banged, sparks fly from the force.*
Judge: SILENCE! For the act of promoting another streaming service the Star Trek Initiative has been rescinded.
Trekker: YOU’RE FIRING ME OVER THIS!?
Judge: Laying you off would be a mercy. NO, you are being sent to the remote mines of RURA PENTHE!
Executive: Oh for the love of- JIM! We’re literally punishing her for referencing the Star Trek movies, which are currently contracted to Max, why are you talking about Star Trek VI?
Judge: Sorry Jan, it’s been a rough week. What I meant to say was, “NO! You are being sent to the remote floor of 6!”
Trekker: ACCOUNTING!? Ugh I’d rather be fired.
Judge: THIS CO- DISCIPLINARY HEARING IS ADJOURNED!
*He bangs the makeshift gavel some more.*
JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH VI:
THE UNSPONSORED MASCOT
THE UNSPONSORED MASCOT
*Everything is white. It takes a moment for our eyes to adjust to the blinding florescent lights accented by the stark white walls. As the camera pans down it finds a massive open floor filled with cubicles and seemingly only one small window. The sound of groans and the clacks of keyboards fill the air. Now dressed in “Far Beyond the Stars” cosplay, our heroine the Star Trekker idly taps away at her computer.*
Trekker: I don’t think this could get any worse. Here I am, the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion- which by the way nobody seems to want to acknowledge- and I’m stuck in accounting? Ugh, how do people survive here?
*A head pops up over her cubicle and whispers.*
Accountant 1: They don’t. If you can’t adapt here you don’t. Period.
Trekker: That seems a bit extreme; I mean it is boring bu-
Accountant 1: Why do you think there’s only one window, and one so small most people can’t fit through?
*Pause, think, blink.*
Trekker: Ok that’s fair.
Accountant 1: Just keep your head down and forget about the soul-crushing part and you’ll be fine.
*He then retreats below the wall of his partition. Trekker head-desks onto her keyboard and whines. As she wallows in her new job some vaguely ethnic music starts to play- really drum heavy stuff.*
Accountant 2 (Voice): Hey, is that a skeleton doing a fan dance?
Accountant 3 (Voice): Better, it’s a skeleton-man doing a fan dance!
Accountant 1 (Voice): If he’s not careful I might see his coccyx!
*Our protagonist picks her head up.*
Trekker: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…
*She peeks her head above the partition of her assigned cubicle.*
Trekker: It’s not even the right movie, that’s from Final Frontier! But wait, if he’s here, then…
*The former embodiment of Paramount+ follows the sound to the single tiny window on the floor. Looking below she finds Lord Dominicus standing in front of the DominiCruiser holding a massive boom box over his head like John Cusack in “Say Anything.” She calls out to him.*
Trekker: That’s not even a Paramount movie!
LD: I DON’T CARE YOU STUPID-
*A convenient quick cut drowns out the rest of that, but a loud “JUST JUMP!” makes it through. The Star Trekker considers her options as Big Bone continues to fan dance by the entrance.*
Trekker: Well, he wouldn’t go to all this trouble just to kill me, would he?
*With a deep, nervous breath she backs up and makes a running dive toward freedom…or death. Either one is better than accounting.*
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*With all the speed you’d expect when falling many stories the Star Trekker lands on a stack of mattresses with a mighty bounce.*
Trekker: Haha, heck yeah!
LD: Watch out for the second impact.
*He looks up at her in the air.*
Trekker: The wha-
*And then he watches as she slams face first into the pavement.*
LD: Yeaaah, that’s what happened when I did it too.
*SMASH CUT to everyone getting into the DominiCruiser. LD is driving, Big Bone is riding shotgun, and Trekker is in a previously unused backseat. The former DARK LORD OF CAR is burning rubber as they make their escape.*
Trekker: Thanks for the rescue! Wait, you never let me ride in the car- what’s going on?
LD: We had to make sure you were able to get to your next scheduled match.
Trekker: Awww, you do care!
LD: You’re wrestling in cheese.
*Another set of blinks as the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion processes the new information.*
Trekker: Wait, what?
*Big Bone passes a leaflet advertising the match.*
LD: You think that we’d miss up a chance to see you wallowing around in fromage like a small-town SMILF hoping to lure one of her methed-up baby-daddies back to her house by showing him how much she’s willing to degrade herself?
Trekker: SMILF?
BB: Single Mo-
Trekker: Ah, Single, I can put the rest of that together myself. But what is this nonsense!? I have to fight an interviewer, a child, a squid-man, and Kasper Van Zant in cheese!?
LD: Don’t forget the dog.
Trekker: WHAT!? I thought that was just for aesthetics!
LD: Haha, yeah it’s great. You’re gonna look so stupid and ruin your clothes and your credibility.
Trekker: Who is the sadist who made this match!? Or is it a pervert!? Or somebody with an axe to grind?!
LD: Wow right on the nose, it’s Grandma Mary
Trekker: UGGGGGHHH, I knew she always had a thing for Marty’s trashy sidepiece. I’d rather have died on impact.
*The now on-the-lamb mascot throws herself onto the backseat. Then she stops and thinks to herself.*
Trekker: Wait, guys, can we go back?
LD: Pfft, your career there is over now, only wrestling in various liquids is left for you.
Trekker: No, I think I forgot my title; I probably need that for the match.
*In the front seat Big Bone starts to unwrap the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship from a black velvet cloth in his lap. While still driving Dominicus pushes the cloth back over the gold in order to dissuade BB.*
LD: Are you still pretending to be a champ? That’s cute but really you should get that concussion checked out.
*He chuckles to himself as we fade out.*
*A phone camera flicks on as its on-table-level, probably propped against something. Trekker grumbles as she lowers her body to fit the frame.*
Trekker: Ok, so here I am, jobless, with no more sponsorship, about to wrestle a dog in cheese. I think it’s safe to say that I’m at my lowest point.
*She sighs.*
Trekker: But let me tell you guys something- cheese? That’s my home field. A dog in a wrestling ring? That’s kitschy, but not cheesy. Yet another dude in a squid mask, it’s unsettling- but not cheesy. An interviewer chasing a career that dried up 20 years ago still wearing spandex? It’s sad-
LD (voice): HEY!
Trekker: …but it’s not cheesy. The kid? Concerning but not cheesy. KVZ being the only person in her family not named Slammed? That’s empowering but far from cheesy.
*The still-wearing-a-Star-Trek-uniformed young JH Champ taps the table with her finger.*
Trekker: Tinto, Funaki, Kasper, Theodor, and…Phil? Hopefully I pronounced that right. You guys are all weird- no doubt about that. But this isn’t a “wrestling in weird” match. It’s The Cheesiest Match in the XHF and me?
*She points to herself.*
Trekker: Look at me. Look at how I dress. Look at my devotion to Star Trek and how consistent I am in that. It’s weird too, but it’s also cheesy as heck. I’m not just cheesy, I am the cheese.
*Stop, consider a moment.*
Trekker: Well not THE Cheez, that’s a different wrestler. But I am by far the cheesiest person in this match. So as we degrade ourselves, just remember, I’ve been looking like a cheese head since the start. And if being the queen of cheesy matches had a reward…
*She quickly tosses the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship onto the table, it shakes the camera a bit and takes up almost all the frame.*
Trekker: Then judging by my run so far I guess this would be it. So suck on that, you weirdoes. Anyway, I gotta go, low battery. I left my charger at the office.
LD (voice): AND YOU’RE NOT USING MINE!
*Click to black...*