CAR: February 2024: Athletic Cup + Junior Heavyweight Title
Feb 25, 2024 16:14:11 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by h2f on Feb 25, 2024 16:14:11 GMT -5
February 2024: Athletic Cup & Junior Heavyweight Title Match
The camera pans to a roaring crowd holding up signs saying ‘I made this trek!’ And ‘StarWars>Startrek’ and ‘PHILtastic’ and ‘FUNaki’ and one that shows a VR headset looking at cheese.
Uncle: I don’t think this crowd is here for a race.
Grandma Mary: Ugh. Yea, these signs are way too cheesy for that. Well, don’t worry folks. I will show you more culture than just cheese! Down on the starting line we have the Angry Mad Chemists and the Bowling Hat Brigade!
Uncle: The Bowler Hat Brigade is being driven by Death Trap-
Grandma Mary: Mistress was slighted! Just because that man was better than her does not mean she shouldn’t have won!
The man takes a moment to count before continuing.
Uncle: This race was originally planned for last month but is happening now.
Grandma Mary: Right now! Hit it!
Down at the starting line, a gun fires, a green flag is waved, and nothing happens.
Grandma Mary: What?
Uncle: We seem to be having a delay folks. I’m sure our racers will begin shortly. It looks like the two drivers are caught in a heated game of rock, paper, scissors.
Grandma Mary: This is unacceptable! We may have delayed the race by a month but this race is more important than a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizards, Spock.
Three more rounds and a minute passes.
Grandma Mary: Fine! Let them eat cheese!
The Cheesiest Match in the XHF…Match
The Current Title Holder: Paramount+'s The Star Trekker © vs. Kasper Van Zant vs. Funaki vs. Mr. Rip N' Terror vs. Theodore vs. Phil
As the opening screeches of cheese hits the bleachers, the crowd is torn between covering their ears and ecstatic jubilation.
Uncle: It’s like auditory epinephrine.
Grandma Mary: Or giving sugar to a toddler who missed a nap.
As the song continues, Cheese geysers go off signaling the opening of the wrestling portion. Back at the announce table, Grandma Mary and Uncle remain seated. Grandma Mary is pleased and her son is stunned.
Uncle: Are those cheese cannons?
Grandma Mary: It’s how we filled the rink.
Uncle: It’s a wrestling ring.
Grandma Mary: Not today!
CAR’s bear furry wrestling treasure, Brittney, sloshes into the ring holding a microphone.
Brittney: This is a wrestling match in cheese where a three count will win. Introducing first, representing… um… well.. She is the current belt holder: The Star Trekker.
Classical Star Trek classics sound as The Star Trekker walks out to the rink. She raises her hand in a vulcan greeting and splashes into the rink.
Brittney: Next up: Kasper Van Zant
The guitar riff of 'Parsonz Curse' by Royal Thunder builds up as a shower of cheese falls across the entrance ramp, the camera follows a hooded Kasper Van Zant from her locker room, now flaked in cheese.
She blows past the camera man who follows her through the shower of cheese, Kasper bounces under the raining cheese as she takes off down the ramp as strips of kraft singles cheese rains down. She staggers a moment before continuing down her path and dives under the bottom rope sliding through the cheese into the center. Jumping back to her feet she pulls the cheese soaked hoodie off and tosses it to someone in the front, it hits them with a wet sound revealing her dressed as a female mandalorian.
Uncle: Well there’s an onomatopoeia that will stick with you.
Brittney nods at Kasper, Kasper nods back.
Brittney: Please welcome Funaki!
"Kai En Tai" by Jim Johnson hits the speakers and Funaki trots onto the field in his blue shorts and white shirt. He also has on a bowler hat for branding purposes and legal reasons. He stops at the top of the ramp and shouts "NUMBA ONE!" as the crowd chants with him. He smiles and soaks it in before jogging to the ring, high fiving fans before leaping onto the apron and springing over the top rope, splashing down in the cheese.
Uncle: Boy, he’s really flinging the cheese today.
Brittney wipes the cheese from her face.
Brittney: Our next entrent Mr. Rip N' Terror.
A dark light power wheel approaches from the east. A being steps out and approaches the rink.
Grandma Mary: Oh! It’s Tinto dressed like a little demon from his video game. How cute!
Mr. Terror crawls into the rink like the creature from the ring. He claims a corner post with a block of provolone. He holds it like Smeagol holds the ring.
Uncle: Adorable.
Brittney: Theodore, COME!
“Who let the dogs out?” cover, originally by the Baja men barks from the speakers before a large brown dog races to the ring. He carefully takes the stairs as trained before sitting at Brittney’s heel and looking for a treat. He licks her hand as she smiles out at the crowd.
Brittney: And finally, please welcome Phil!
Jets of cheese pulse as No Tomorrow hits the speakers and the entity known only as Phil emerges. They make their way down the ramp, slapping tentacles against the hands of fans brave enough to approach the barrier, while others shy away from their alien appearance. Phil then slides into the ring, their eerie black eyes gazing around as they await the opening bell.
Brittney: When I leave this rink, a bell will sound and the bout will begin. I will count the three count from outside the cheese. Thanks.
Brittney exits the rink as a gong splashes around the stadium. This startles the two Athletic Cup Racers.
Grandma Mary: The Athletic Cup is finally underway! Look at them go. They are racing for it now!
Uncle: Trekker and Kasper circle each other as Phil eyes the dog.
Grandma Mary: Theodore, Go!
Uncle: The dog jumps for Terror’s provolone as Phil jumps for the dog. Funaki grabs the boy.
Grandma Mary: The Bowler Hat is in the lead but the Chemists are right on their tailpipe! How exciting, two things at once.
Uncle: Kasper grapples with Trekker and ends up with a dog licking her face. Trekker grabs the boy off Funaki, who splashes into the cheese.
Grandma Mary: The Chemists have overtaken the hats. Look at that!
Uncle: Phil is chasing the dog, the dog is chasing the boy, the boy is chasing the man, the man is chasing Trekker. Kasper is regrouping at the brie.
Grandma Mary: Good strategy. Let them waste energy. The Chemists sure are using theirs. They must have engaged their chemical engines.
Uncle: Kasper has dislodged the cheese from the pole. OH! She threw it at Phil! He’s turning. Oh! He is not pleased. Tinto has caught Funaki! They have gone down. Phil lands a Downfall on Kasper. All of them are down! The dog has taken down Trekker. They are wrestling in cheese.
Grandma Mary: That is one happy dog.
Uncle: Any one opponent just needs to hold another opponent down for a three count. Phil and Kasper are grappling for domination and Phil’s tentacles are proving an advantage but she seems determined.
Grandma Mary: The racers are approaching the final strip! Death Trap is in the lead!
Uncle: Funaki has the boy on his back. Well. They are both on their backs but the boy is on the bottom. I think he was going for a sleeper hold but that didn’t work. They’ve started the count.
Brittney: One. T-
Uncle: Tinto slides out and tackles Trekker. Phil and Kasper have fallen out of the rink. They have a ten count to get back in it.
Grandma Mary: Is Funaki petting Theodore?
Uncle: Belly rubs, looks like. Oh! He’s covering.
Brittney: One, Two-
Trekker: CHEESE!
Uncle: The dog is back up. It looks like Trekker is offering the dog a treat.
Grandma Mary: Bribing other wrestlers?
Uncle: Looks like the others have the same idea and now Theodore can’t decide which cheese to go after. Phil and Terror both lunge for the dog. AND-
White floof obscures both the racing track and wrestling rink.
Grandma Mary: I can’t believe this! The Chemists have fired their Doof Floof!
Uncle: Did you miss it?
Grandma Mary: No. No, I did not. Just for that I’m not even looking to see who won. The Athletic Cup goes to the Bowler Hat Bumbling Nerds. This is ridiculous.
Brittney: One!
Grandma Mary: I can’t see who has who!
Brittney: Two!
Uncle: Hold on, it's starting to clear. A kick out, whomever that is.
Grandma Mary: I can confirm Phil and Kasper are back in the rink. Terror is out.
Uncle: He’s climbing back in but Trekker has the dog’s attention. Phil grabs for them both. Funaki toppels Phil.
Grandma Mary: Trekker is offering Theodore belly rubs AND cheese.
Brittney: One.
Uncle: Kasper has Terror in a tiny sleeper hold.
Brittney: Two.
Grandma Mary: Phil has reversed the hold on Funaki but Trekker still has Theodore. Kasper and Terror are running to break up Trekker.
Brittney: Three.
Grandma Mary: There’s the queen cheese right there. The cheesiest wrestler in the XHF is The Star Trekker, and she has retained the belt. Please join us next month for a Sippy Cup Qualifier.