The Champ Is HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Florida Man]
Feb 27, 2024 0:29:45 GMT -5
edwarddubin0604, Jonnie Valentine, and 1 more like this
Post by flo on Feb 27, 2024 0:29:45 GMT -5
Stretch lycra adds entirely too much sparkling sheen to an earthy green that would otherwise resemble leather. Heavy layers of the material create an embossed surface, which is further segmented into dozens of half-inch rectangles that simulate scales. There are no obvious holes for vision, suggesting the large, white, cartoon circles that pass for eyes may be made out a material that the monster within can see through. The black pupils on the eyes, create a gaze that don't quite meet - so that when the mask is staring directly at something, the beast appears to be spacing out. Though his appearance is often compared to that of a 1960s Star Trek Gorn, the maw has been extended into a magnificent snout - to get the resemblance closer to that of a crocodile or alligator - the reptilian description varies. The serrated teeth are metal, exceedingly sharp, and some gadgets bulging out of the jaw suggest that the bite is quite functional. A curl at the edges mean, that when not eating, the mouth is curved into a permanently jovial smile - which is oddly sinister.
It is rare to examine this many details of the beast's profile - but then, he did win the Hardkore World Championship - beyond this accomplishment, your friendly neighbourhood meth dealer is also leaning into a lengthy close-up. Opposite the masked maniac is his legal counsel, recognizable for his preference for forest green body paint over more traditional clothing choices. Making the frame more awkwardly tight is that Florida Man insists on speaking inches away from his lawyer's face, and Gazoo is a dwarf. Nothing can be seen of the setting, just the green hell that is this grotesque two shot.
Gazoo:
Those law enforcement officers weren't too happy with you throwing your HKW victory party at an active crime scene, Flo.
Florida Man:
PHantastic Phil said it was cool-io for us to celebrate the party of the year at his recently inherited digs, Gaz. That man has scratch and win class - what a dang saint!
Gazoo:
But you crossed police tape-
Florida Man:
That's how us Philthy Party Animals roll! We made House Party IV look like House Party II, Gaz. Feel me?
Gazoo:
The lead detective said it more closely resembled a homicide scene after you left-
Florida Man:
YEAH buddy! You know it. I was gonna downplay my mad flow, gentlemang that I is - but Phil insisted I touch everything.
Gazoo:
Yes, that came up, Flo, they were in the middle of dusting for prints. ...It did not go over well.
Florida Man:
Not every month I become the higgity Hardkore World champ.... unless I pull a Recoba and trade it with folks on a monthly bases. What kind of action you think we can get on that?
Gazoo:
Focus on the festive fallout, Flo. Did you really have to roast a goat? The detectives think you're some kind of satanist.
Florida Man:
You brought the goat as your plus one, Gazifer! ...And ate it!
Gazoo:
This isn't about me, Florence!
Is this the end of the Sunshine State Stud's lifelong friendship with his conscience? Fortunately, the frame - no doubt compact for some later sight gag - makes a brawl impossible, so cooler heads prevail.
Gazoo:
Look, I'll see what I can do to keep the pigs off you, but we need to play this smart. I'm actually glad to have found you in Phoenix, Flo.
Florida Man:
Why is that, Gaz?
Gazoo:
I mean actually showing up early for your first HKW defence, scoping out the town, building local support for the event? Not like you, pal. Responsible. Goes to your character in case any charges stick. It's really good to see you taking this championship run seriously.
Florida Man:
Anything to put your mind at ease, Gaz. One question.
Gazoo:
Yes, Flo?
Florida Man:
...........I have a title defence?
The dwarf would turn red if he had any skin pigments untouched by paint.
Gazoo:
Yes. Against Simon Cruise.
Florida Man:
The guy who hates wrestling and just wants to surf?
Gazoo:
He's also obsessed with the West Coast division... so secondary wrestling, but yeah, he would much rather be out on the water.
Florida Man:
How do you like that? Challenging for our sports top title, and doesn't have any passion for the squared circle. That is shameful. All the wrestlers on the card that are killing themselves for a shot at glory, the Joe Nobodys, Bobby Nowas, Sheiks, Tuxedo Masks, who spend their entire careers dreaming of being at my level... and a guy who wants to surf gets the nod? Doesn't seem right. Frankly... it makes me angry. WRESTLING is the sport, leave hobbies out of it, Cruise.
Gazoo:
So if you didn't know about the Cruise defence, why are you in Phoenix?
Florida Man:
Well now that I've won the world title, I can move onto my real PASSION-
Gazoo:
Hang on-
Florida Man:
Ostrich racing!
The camera pulls out to a long shot of a quiet, residential street in Phoenix.
...where Florida Man is riding an ostrich.
Gazoo:
......ugh.
The lawyer throws his hands up in frustration.
Florida Man:
Unlike Simon Cruise's stupid surfing - Ostrich Racing is a REAL MAN's SPORT!
Gazoo:
You look ridiculou- aah.
The Ostrich starts to peck at the dwarf, who hides behind a garbage bin.
Florida Man:
Gertrude here is the fifth Philthy Animal!
Gertrude:
SKWACK.
Florida Man:
Exactly, our group was becoming a total sausage fest. Who was supposed to win the Hardkore Women's championship for Phil's collection? But first - we need to focus on my boyhood dream. To win the 34th Annual Ostrich Race here in Phoenix- I've only got two weeks to turn Gertrude here into Sea biscuit.
Gazoo:
Wait, that wasn't just a dig at surfing-
Gertrude:
SKWACK!
Gazoo dives behind the garbage can before the mean spirited bird can headbutt him again.
Florida Man:
Attack surfing? Not at all. If Cruise wants to dedicate his life to a lacklustre hobby where you try to stand on inanimate objects that can't even fight back or bite you-
Gazoo:
His can.
Florida Man (ignoring the interruption):
-then let him waste his time. No different than him challenging me in the ring. A waste of my tiggity time. Only one way that is going down... and unlike Kill Roy, I don't see a lot of ancient HKW stars showing up to save Simple Simon's water logged ass from a shiving. Nah, I got me a race to win. Ever since I first played Super Mario Bros 2, I had four revelations... first, that turnips are literally poison that will kill folks. Second, that ostrich racing is the most noble past time imaginable. Third, spoilers, that it is all a Dream. ...And forth, that we are all just Italian American palette swaps for Middle Eastern characters to appeal to racist international audiences.
Gazoo:
That... all tracks.
Florida Man:
I've waited 34 years to win the 34th Annual Ostrich Race, and I'm not going to let something like showing Cruise the proper respect, distract me from that!
A dissolve takes us into a montage of Florida Man riding an ostrich, which sounds like a really exciting training sequence, only its mostly just him using Gertrude at drive thru windows. Jack in the Box. Angie's Lobsters. McDonalds. A&W. El Gordo Mexican Grill. Taco Bell. KFC. Sonic. Sonic. Sonic. Rather than hitting top speeds, it's mostly Florida Man arguing that the bird should count as a car, so where is his damn milkshake? Sonic. Got any stale biscuits for the bird? Sonic. Dave's Hot Chicken. McDonalds. The montage ends at another McDonalds-
Florida Man:
And super size it!
Speaker:
Drive up to the second window.
The Floridian kicks his ostrich in the ribs to encourage it forward, only to find her head in the ground.... and her body on the ground too.
Florida Man:
Faster Gertrude!
The lawyer walks into frame enjoying a leg of lamb.
Gazoo:
I think your wheels might be dead, Flo.
Gertrude:
..................
Florida Man:
Don't you see her head in the ground? She's just scared, Gaz!
Gertrude:
....................
Gazoo:
That is paved ground, Flo.
Florida Man:
So?
Flies are starting to circle the bird.
Gazoo:
What have you been feeding it?
Florida Man:
What haven't I been feeding her? Only the best for Gertrude to get her into peak speeds. That's how you make Chocobos faster. Why she just put away a party pizza at Venezias - I told her to slow down, but she really wanted to win me a T-shirt.
Gazoo:
Those are very sharp threads.
Worth it! The cars behind the dead ostrich start to honk, like Florida Man's order might be holding up the line. The cars are less prepared for the world champion to start karate chopping the shit out of their hoods - and start backing up, over the preferable vehicular manslaughter.
Florida Man:
Do you mind? My ride is trying to digest here!
Gazoo:
She's starting to rot, Flo. Did she carry you here, or have you been dragging her since the third Sonic?
Florida Man:
Dang it! ...Fine. Looks like I'm going to be a "good champion" after all. I hope you're happy, Gaz!
Gazoo:
Ecstatic.
Florida Man (turning to camera):
Simon Cruise. You're some sort of ring boy relic, right? Still no one remembers you so you count as NEW BLOOD. A lot of the old guard have started to come out of the Woodrot - Roscoe Law, Andrew Karnage - they are welcome, but they are replacing Network talent that were starting to challenge the status quo. You win, and I feel like this would be the last contest with two NEW BLOODS taking on each other, as you prop up the other fossils. I can't let that happen. ...I made my claim for the LUNATIC FRINGE - and I stand by it. All the returning stars are in the Syberus mold - Hardkore World in their veins, but well rounded athletes. Not Shiros, or Platinum Pats... not the embarrassing Matthew X factors that put the K in HKW. For all your surfing quirks, Simon, you're closer to Syb than Death Gojira. So if you win this off me... everyone goes to the mold, and it kills the weird company that I enjoy being wiggity world champ of. So bring it... but I'm afraid this strap is staying with the FRINGE until a crazier element takes it off me.
Cars have started to drive around the dead bird to pick up their delicious McNuggets.
Florida Man (looking out):
What do they want?
A few Hardkore faithful are shuffling across the parking lot towards the champion. They seem nervous to approach him, but have merch on them.
Gazoo:
They want your autograph, Flo, but are worried about bothering you.
Florida Man:
SHY GUYS?
The Gator That Walks Like A Man cries out to the heavens.
Florida Man:
My kingdom for an ostrich!
Perhaps he can use that sausage fest woman's title argument to talk Phil into buying a Gertrude 2? Worth a shot. Still that doesn't stop the champion from being surrounded by these annoying fans.
Gazoo:
If only you had a long blunt object.
Florida Man:
...I should take up surfing.
At least Cruise will be happy to have made a convert. The World Champion starts to swing Gertrude's corpse like a surfboard at the oncoming HKW fans as the scene fades to black.
It is rare to examine this many details of the beast's profile - but then, he did win the Hardkore World Championship - beyond this accomplishment, your friendly neighbourhood meth dealer is also leaning into a lengthy close-up. Opposite the masked maniac is his legal counsel, recognizable for his preference for forest green body paint over more traditional clothing choices. Making the frame more awkwardly tight is that Florida Man insists on speaking inches away from his lawyer's face, and Gazoo is a dwarf. Nothing can be seen of the setting, just the green hell that is this grotesque two shot.
Gazoo:
Those law enforcement officers weren't too happy with you throwing your HKW victory party at an active crime scene, Flo.
Florida Man:
PHantastic Phil said it was cool-io for us to celebrate the party of the year at his recently inherited digs, Gaz. That man has scratch and win class - what a dang saint!
Gazoo:
But you crossed police tape-
Florida Man:
That's how us Philthy Party Animals roll! We made House Party IV look like House Party II, Gaz. Feel me?
Gazoo:
The lead detective said it more closely resembled a homicide scene after you left-
Florida Man:
YEAH buddy! You know it. I was gonna downplay my mad flow, gentlemang that I is - but Phil insisted I touch everything.
Gazoo:
Yes, that came up, Flo, they were in the middle of dusting for prints. ...It did not go over well.
Florida Man:
Not every month I become the higgity Hardkore World champ.... unless I pull a Recoba and trade it with folks on a monthly bases. What kind of action you think we can get on that?
Gazoo:
Focus on the festive fallout, Flo. Did you really have to roast a goat? The detectives think you're some kind of satanist.
Florida Man:
You brought the goat as your plus one, Gazifer! ...And ate it!
Gazoo:
This isn't about me, Florence!
Is this the end of the Sunshine State Stud's lifelong friendship with his conscience? Fortunately, the frame - no doubt compact for some later sight gag - makes a brawl impossible, so cooler heads prevail.
Gazoo:
Look, I'll see what I can do to keep the pigs off you, but we need to play this smart. I'm actually glad to have found you in Phoenix, Flo.
Florida Man:
Why is that, Gaz?
Gazoo:
I mean actually showing up early for your first HKW defence, scoping out the town, building local support for the event? Not like you, pal. Responsible. Goes to your character in case any charges stick. It's really good to see you taking this championship run seriously.
Florida Man:
Anything to put your mind at ease, Gaz. One question.
Gazoo:
Yes, Flo?
Florida Man:
...........I have a title defence?
The dwarf would turn red if he had any skin pigments untouched by paint.
Gazoo:
Yes. Against Simon Cruise.
Florida Man:
The guy who hates wrestling and just wants to surf?
Gazoo:
He's also obsessed with the West Coast division... so secondary wrestling, but yeah, he would much rather be out on the water.
Florida Man:
How do you like that? Challenging for our sports top title, and doesn't have any passion for the squared circle. That is shameful. All the wrestlers on the card that are killing themselves for a shot at glory, the Joe Nobodys, Bobby Nowas, Sheiks, Tuxedo Masks, who spend their entire careers dreaming of being at my level... and a guy who wants to surf gets the nod? Doesn't seem right. Frankly... it makes me angry. WRESTLING is the sport, leave hobbies out of it, Cruise.
Gazoo:
So if you didn't know about the Cruise defence, why are you in Phoenix?
Florida Man:
Well now that I've won the world title, I can move onto my real PASSION-
Gazoo:
Hang on-
Florida Man:
Ostrich racing!
The camera pulls out to a long shot of a quiet, residential street in Phoenix.
...where Florida Man is riding an ostrich.
Gazoo:
......ugh.
The lawyer throws his hands up in frustration.
Florida Man:
Unlike Simon Cruise's stupid surfing - Ostrich Racing is a REAL MAN's SPORT!
Gazoo:
You look ridiculou- aah.
The Ostrich starts to peck at the dwarf, who hides behind a garbage bin.
Florida Man:
Gertrude here is the fifth Philthy Animal!
Gertrude:
SKWACK.
Florida Man:
Exactly, our group was becoming a total sausage fest. Who was supposed to win the Hardkore Women's championship for Phil's collection? But first - we need to focus on my boyhood dream. To win the 34th Annual Ostrich Race here in Phoenix- I've only got two weeks to turn Gertrude here into Sea biscuit.
Gazoo:
Wait, that wasn't just a dig at surfing-
Gertrude:
SKWACK!
Gazoo dives behind the garbage can before the mean spirited bird can headbutt him again.
Florida Man:
Attack surfing? Not at all. If Cruise wants to dedicate his life to a lacklustre hobby where you try to stand on inanimate objects that can't even fight back or bite you-
Gazoo:
His can.
Florida Man (ignoring the interruption):
-then let him waste his time. No different than him challenging me in the ring. A waste of my tiggity time. Only one way that is going down... and unlike Kill Roy, I don't see a lot of ancient HKW stars showing up to save Simple Simon's water logged ass from a shiving. Nah, I got me a race to win. Ever since I first played Super Mario Bros 2, I had four revelations... first, that turnips are literally poison that will kill folks. Second, that ostrich racing is the most noble past time imaginable. Third, spoilers, that it is all a Dream. ...And forth, that we are all just Italian American palette swaps for Middle Eastern characters to appeal to racist international audiences.
Gazoo:
That... all tracks.
Florida Man:
I've waited 34 years to win the 34th Annual Ostrich Race, and I'm not going to let something like showing Cruise the proper respect, distract me from that!
A dissolve takes us into a montage of Florida Man riding an ostrich, which sounds like a really exciting training sequence, only its mostly just him using Gertrude at drive thru windows. Jack in the Box. Angie's Lobsters. McDonalds. A&W. El Gordo Mexican Grill. Taco Bell. KFC. Sonic. Sonic. Sonic. Rather than hitting top speeds, it's mostly Florida Man arguing that the bird should count as a car, so where is his damn milkshake? Sonic. Got any stale biscuits for the bird? Sonic. Dave's Hot Chicken. McDonalds. The montage ends at another McDonalds-
Florida Man:
And super size it!
Speaker:
Drive up to the second window.
The Floridian kicks his ostrich in the ribs to encourage it forward, only to find her head in the ground.... and her body on the ground too.
Florida Man:
Faster Gertrude!
The lawyer walks into frame enjoying a leg of lamb.
Gazoo:
I think your wheels might be dead, Flo.
Gertrude:
..................
Florida Man:
Don't you see her head in the ground? She's just scared, Gaz!
Gertrude:
....................
Gazoo:
That is paved ground, Flo.
Florida Man:
So?
Flies are starting to circle the bird.
Gazoo:
What have you been feeding it?
Florida Man:
What haven't I been feeding her? Only the best for Gertrude to get her into peak speeds. That's how you make Chocobos faster. Why she just put away a party pizza at Venezias - I told her to slow down, but she really wanted to win me a T-shirt.
Gazoo:
Those are very sharp threads.
Worth it! The cars behind the dead ostrich start to honk, like Florida Man's order might be holding up the line. The cars are less prepared for the world champion to start karate chopping the shit out of their hoods - and start backing up, over the preferable vehicular manslaughter.
Florida Man:
Do you mind? My ride is trying to digest here!
Gazoo:
She's starting to rot, Flo. Did she carry you here, or have you been dragging her since the third Sonic?
Florida Man:
Dang it! ...Fine. Looks like I'm going to be a "good champion" after all. I hope you're happy, Gaz!
Gazoo:
Ecstatic.
Florida Man (turning to camera):
Simon Cruise. You're some sort of ring boy relic, right? Still no one remembers you so you count as NEW BLOOD. A lot of the old guard have started to come out of the Woodrot - Roscoe Law, Andrew Karnage - they are welcome, but they are replacing Network talent that were starting to challenge the status quo. You win, and I feel like this would be the last contest with two NEW BLOODS taking on each other, as you prop up the other fossils. I can't let that happen. ...I made my claim for the LUNATIC FRINGE - and I stand by it. All the returning stars are in the Syberus mold - Hardkore World in their veins, but well rounded athletes. Not Shiros, or Platinum Pats... not the embarrassing Matthew X factors that put the K in HKW. For all your surfing quirks, Simon, you're closer to Syb than Death Gojira. So if you win this off me... everyone goes to the mold, and it kills the weird company that I enjoy being wiggity world champ of. So bring it... but I'm afraid this strap is staying with the FRINGE until a crazier element takes it off me.
Cars have started to drive around the dead bird to pick up their delicious McNuggets.
Florida Man (looking out):
What do they want?
A few Hardkore faithful are shuffling across the parking lot towards the champion. They seem nervous to approach him, but have merch on them.
Gazoo:
They want your autograph, Flo, but are worried about bothering you.
Florida Man:
SHY GUYS?
The Gator That Walks Like A Man cries out to the heavens.
Florida Man:
My kingdom for an ostrich!
Perhaps he can use that sausage fest woman's title argument to talk Phil into buying a Gertrude 2? Worth a shot. Still that doesn't stop the champion from being surrounded by these annoying fans.
Gazoo:
If only you had a long blunt object.
Florida Man:
...I should take up surfing.
At least Cruise will be happy to have made a convert. The World Champion starts to swing Gertrude's corpse like a surfboard at the oncoming HKW fans as the scene fades to black.