Post by Jonnie Valentine on Mar 17, 2024 4:33:44 GMT -5
Tucson, Arizona
The Tucson Arena
Gate: 7.962
The show started off with a video hyping the first ever Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion John “Catman” Wilder played, showing his hard fought victories in the late 80s over "Dastardly" Danny Adams, The Ukrainian, Blasé, Butch “The Anvil” Brooks, The Maniac, Voodoo Warrior, Bam Bam Jackson, Corporal Punishment, and Major Rager with his patented claw hold. Then it faded out to a graphic promoting that John Wilder will be receiving a lifetime achievement award at Palm Springs Punishment 2024
Andrew Karnage vs. Scorpion
Karnage opened the match with a flurry of vader style forearms that backed Scorpion up into the ropes. He grabbed Scorpion around the neck and dropped him on his head with a sheer drop exploder. Karnage applied a masterlock, and spun him round and round in the Sketchy Roadside Carnival Attraction. He shot Scorpion into the ropes and hit him with a devastating Nightmare Lariat, and then applied a cobra clutch camel clutch called The Sphinx Clutch to get the submission. After the match, a candy gram was delivered to Phillip Blauer at the announce position. When he opened it, a dye pack violently exploded all over him and they had to go to break to clean up.
Randy Candy vs. The Sheik
In a rematch from Oakland in 2023, Randy Candy came out dancing with his little person, Little Victory. The Sheik attacked Candy immediately and tossed him to the floor. He slingshotted himself over the ropes onto Candy. He ran at Candy, but this time Randy was ready for him and caught him and dropped him in a flapjack on the railing. Randy Candy climbed to the top rope and dove off with a flying body press but The Sheik ducked and Candy hit the floor with a sickening splat. The Sheik rolled Candy back into the ring and climbed to the top with a chair. He came crashing down on Candy’s face with an Arabian facebuster, then applied his Accolade camel clutch to win.
After the match, Hasbulla, Alexander’s diminutive manager came out and got into a shoving match with Little Victory. Little Victory tried to chop Hasbulla, but Hasbulla knocked him out with a roll of coins. Quarters rolled over the mat and ringside area as Hasbulla whistled and jumped around Victory’s still body.
Lady Liberty vs. “The Milkman’s Daughter” Klazina van Dam
Klazina van Dam gave Lady Liberty a forearm to the chest before the bell but Lady Liberty just stood there. She smacked Liberty as hard as she could with a knife edge chop, but Liberty barely moved. Klazina Van Dam irish whipped a confused Liberty into the ropes, backdropped her but Liberty landed on her feet behind her. Liberty snapped into action and took van Dam down with a slingblade. She pulled Klazina up by the arm and pulled her into a ripcord bicycle knee called the Ursa Minor. Lady Liberty applied the Seven Stars of Orion koji clutch to get van Dam to tap out.
“Rink Rat” Joseph Hart vs. Tuxedo Mask
Joseph Hart came down to the ring in a Hardkore World hockey jersey. Tuxedo Mask walked out with Ri Eun-Ae, holding a hockey stick, mocking Hart for being an ice hockey guy in the southwest. Joseph Hart didn’t take kindly to that and started off arm dragging and hip tossing Tux around the ring. Hart went for a DDT but Tuxedo Mask lifted him up into a TKO hotshot on the rope. He went on to bend Hart in half with the Tuxmission dragon sleeper mexican surfboard. Tux released it and whined to Richie Richardson that Hart probably submitted, but while Richie’s back was turned, Ri Eun-Ae cracked Hart in the back of the head with it. Tuxedo Mask got behind the stunned Rink Rat and Tuxplex ‘99ed him on the back of his head for the controversial 1-2-3.
Roscoe Law vs. Pork Dirkmeyer
Roscoe came down to the ring, slapping hands with fans. He did a full lap around ringside, and then talked with one fan for so long that they ran out of his theme music and had to restart it. Pork snuck up on Roscoe, as much as a 500 pound man can, and hammered him with forearms to the back. Pork rolled Roscoe back into the ring and scooped him up into a bodyslam, but Roscoe fell behind him into an inverted facelock and twisted him into a test drive. Law cobra clutch bulldogged him into the mat, and then stretched him with a straightjacket surfboard. He leg dropped Pork Dirkmeyer’s leg off the top rope, and then applied his Pretz-Hell scorpion with a bridge reverse chinlock to get the win. After the match, Pork couldn’t walk, but Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his team couldn’t get him on a stretcher. The show then had to be delayed for nearly an hour as a local dead horse removal company came to try to get him to a medical facility. Backstage interviewer Kevin Valentine Jr. had to come out and distract the crowd with t-shirt gun and a long story about getting his tonsils removed, but the fans grew restless and chanted that Kevin sucks.
The Hurricane vs. “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse
Once Pork was out of the ring, the TV taping could be restarted and fan favorites Hurricane and Joey Little Horse were sent out to get the audience back up. Hurricane took out Joey Little Horse with a double leg takedown, and then gave him a double stomp to the stomach. He irish whipped him into the ropes, but Joey ducked under a clothesline and dropped Hurricane on his head with a half nelson suplex. He tied Hurricane’s legs up in an indian deathlock but Hurrricane was able to scooch over to the ropes. Little Horse climbed to the top rope but Hurricane came over and thumbed him in the eye, crotching him on the top turnbuckle. Hurricane climbed to the second rope, but Joey Little Horse went over the top with his Welcome to Charlotte sunset tiger bomb to win.
Marty Donovan vs. Suikerbossie
Marty Donovan came out and took the microphone from Greg Jin. “Unfortunately I will not be wrestling tonight, so that I can save my energy for my marathon match. I’m sorry, but you’ll all thank me when I’m as fresh as a daisy after 45 minutes, live on pay-per-view and Syberus’ tongue is hanging on the mat. But to those too cheap to buy Palm Springs Punishment 2024, I promise I will be at the next TV taping in…” Greg Jin told him it would be in Coachella and Marty made a face and said “Probably won’t be able to make that one either, actually.” Suikerbossie got sick of Marty’s speech and threw a punch at him. Marty dove through the ropes to the floor, and ran right into Suikerbossie's wife Mein van Houten and her mop. Marty back pedaled away from her and walked back up the ramp to cascades of boos and heckling from the Tucson fans as Kelly O’Connell counted him out. Suikerbossie scored a victory over Donovan, but he looked like he wanted a fight.
Sweet Bone Daddy vs. Anthony Jordan
Anthony Jordan caught Sweet Bone Daddy from behind before the bell with a chop block. He lifted Daddy up into a shinbreaker atomic drop, He lifted Daddy up for a powerbomb and then let him slip back into a Jordan Neckbreaker. Anthony twisted Sweet Bone Daddy’s leg up in a spinning toe hold for a while until he dropped down into The Idoliser #2 indian deathlock to get the sudden tap out from Daddy.
Simon Cruise vs. Reptile
Reptile came into the ring, holding the back of his neck, and looking tired. He got caught early with a Kickflip high angle kick upside his head, and was easy prey for a Wavebreaker senton bomb. Cruise irish whipped him into the ropes but Reptile came back with a flying headscissors takedown. Simon Cruise got up and ran into a japanese arm drag. Reptile came off the top rope with a somersault leg drop, but Cruise rolled out of the way. Cruise applied his La Tapatia mexican surfboard to win.
Florida Man, Marty Donovan, and Alexander Von Blankenship came down to the ring, A dye stained Phil Blauer took the house mic from Greg Jin and strolled into the ring
Phillip Blauer:"Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?"
The audience winces from the feedback of the microphone
Phillip Blauer:"Did you know that Led Zeppelin was originally called Sigma 6? Or that Queen started out as Smile? The Red Hot Chilli Peppers were originally Tony Flow and the Miraculously Majestic Masters of Mayhem. What kind of bull hockey is that?"
A guy in the crowd pierces the silence with a “You suck!”
Phillip Blauer:"Almost finished, sir. Animals are dumb. Animals are sloppy. Animals are stinky. Like Kilroy. He’s the animal. The men I bought. Florida Man, Marty, and AVB. They’re not Philthy Animals. Because of my generous nature and my poor math skills, they are Philthy Rich. So from here on out, that is what my stable will be known as. Philthy Rich!"
The audience booed Phil, Florida Man, Donovan and Von Blankenship. An enraged Hardkore Merchandise guy Jimmy Valentine Jr. sets fire to his stacks of Philthy Animal shirts in the lobby
Hardkore California Championship
Joe Nobody vs. Dana “The Drone” Daniels
When we come back from break, a lot of security is putting out the fire of Philthy Animal t-shirts back in the merch tables in the lobby of the Tucson Arena. Dana Daniels snuck up and raked Joe Nobody’s back while he was giving his fedora to a kid in the front row, causing the child to cry. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. was told to get the crying boy out of the shot by Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr., so he scurried the child away and had a relief security guard take over. Daniels rolled Joe into the ring and irish whipped him into the corner. Dana Daniels came flying in with a hip attack, but Nobody moved out of the way. Dana bounced out of the corner right into a superkick by Joe Nobody. Joe german suplexed Daniels up but then dropped him into a Victory Buster wheelbarrow facebuster. Daniels bounced up, and Joe Nobody catches him with a Denial of Perfection running STO for the pin.
As Guillermo and a dye stained Phil were wrapping up the go home show for Palm Springs Punishment 2024, suddenly, the security guard began bludgeoning Blauer with a collapsible baton. As the hat came off, Hardkore Cameraman got a close-up and the security guard was Kilroy Evans. Kilroy got his licks in on a screaming Phl, until Florida Man, Marty Donovan, and Alexander Von Blankenship run down to the ring. Kilroy escapes through the crowd, evading Philthy Rich. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. goes out on a shot of AVB and Florida promising to get Kilroy for this, while Marty seems less worried about Phil being hurt.