Post by Roscoe Law on Mar 17, 2024 13:08:27 GMT -5
(Green Bay. Law Manor. The library.)
(...)
(Yeah, it’s a library. It’s a room with books, ain’t it? And tapes of old matches. And 70s skin mags when fake breasts weren't around.)
ROSCOE LAW: (peeking into the camera from the side) “Silicone ruined everything!”
(He reveals himself fully to the camera and walks to a table filled with stacks of binders and thin manuals and pamphlets all strewn about like falsified receipts during tax season. He stares at the mess and sighs.)
“I looked. (pauses and faces the camera) “I checked every rulebook, manual, memo, missive and by-law … from everywhere I worked over the years. (sits down) There is no definition of how someone ends another person’s career. Nothing. (outstretches his arm, teasing the pile like he's Dian Parkinson) And believe me… I checked. Apparently that’s what Bobby Nowa is telling everyone. He cost my team a match in 2009 and I left in a fit of Irish Rage. (pauses) Ooops. Wrong reference, but I’ll get to that later. (Roscoe reaches over and pops a video cassette labeled “2009 Frank” in a VCR hooked to a big screen. It’s quite a set-up. A lot of adapters.)
“So here’s what I remember about 'The Frank' that year… Nothing. We were half drunk, which I believe is OK under 'Arn Rules'. Anywho, I didn’t remember who cost us the match back then and frankly - no pun intended - I didn’t care. Shit, I had to go to the tape to find out. (goes to hit play but stops) Oh, and the answer is no. I did not get expressed, written consent to use this Hardkore World copyrighted material so cool yer tits. (Roscoe makes an exaggerated motion to hit ‘PLAY’ whilst not breaking eye contact with the camera and the big screen comes to life!)
_______________________________
Guillermo O'Bannon: Roscoe Law pulls Spike up onto his shoulder and then powerbombs him!! He hangs onto his legs and legdrops his groin.
[Spike rolls over on his side, clutching his balls. Roscoe Law climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying headbutt]
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Bobby Nowa stomps Roscoe's head)
Phil Blauer: What's Bobby Nowa doing here? He knows this isn't Hardkore Asia, right? You gotta tell him stuff like that.
[Matthew X runs in but Vile "Vince" Viper grabs him from behind with a jumping backdrop driver!! Bobby Nowa grabs Roscoe Law as the fans boo, and jumps down with a codebreaker]
Guillermo O'Bannon: Crater Drop!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Spike Nelson tags Vile "Vince" Viper and grabs Roscoe with a rear waistlock. Vile "Vince" Viper runs in with a satan's strut eye gouge, pushing Law into Spike's german suplex!! Raging Star of the Forgotten Winds Send Pain Through the Night Skies!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
[The fans boo and Bobby Nowa rolls out of the ring. Aqua’s “Cartoon Heroes” plays and Roscoe crawls over to a bag he has at ringside]
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 27 minutes 11 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS...BETTER THAN SEX!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Hardkore All Asia Pro Intercontinental Champion Bobby Nowa, perhaps upset from the last time Roscoe Law beat him at Irish Rage in Belfast 2007...costing him the Hardkore World Tag Team titles and a split of $1 million dollars.
Phil Blauer: He does not look happy.
[Roscoe Law sneaks up behind a celebrating Vile "Vince" Viper and whacks him with that bag. Viper goes down like a bag of hammers]
Guillermo O'Bannon: This doesn't look over yet.
Phil Blauer: What was in that bag?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Matthew X lights his glove on fi… (‘click’)
“You don’t need to see the rest of that. Terrible business. (shakes his head as he switches tapes) Over the years, things like that happened so often to both of us that… (pauses and raises his finger) …sorry.
(starts again) “Over the years, things like that happened so often to both Matthew X and I… (a cash register is heard and Roscoe nods) There. That’s Pabst money for him. Anyway, it’s happened so often that it has evolved into an oh-well moment. And honestly, being pissed off every time someone crapped on one of my matches would connote that I had some sort of career investment in the 2000s… (leans in) …and folks, I was done in the mid-90s. Round Two in Hardkore World? It was never about having another run. It wasn’t some second coming, phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes, glorious return to the top of the mountain. It was a favor to a friend.
(pauses thoughtfully and looks up) "…friends."
“It was a way to do something again that I enjoyed doing before but it was also a way to give back by making sure every young prince who was waiting to next wear the crown knew they were completely and unequivocally subpar to those of us who knew Jonnie and Frank first. And who learned from them. And who grew to be better than the backwash that flowed in after.
“In that small window in the late 2000s, we weren’t here for a long time. We were here for a good time. We were here to get on Pinterest to learn how to correctly create barbed wire boat paddles and get our jollies taking in a Tum Tum tirade on O.G. edibles. We were here to procure accelerants and set local arenas aflame with the BURNING RAGE OF… (full stop)
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. What? (looks off camera and looks back) Apparently, my legal team says that the statute of limitations might not be up on that one yet. And… what? (looks away and back again) My legal team also says that… (reading the prepared script for the umpteenth time) …‘I had no knowledge of the events leading to the terrible fire that consumed the Palm Springs Convention Center in 2008 and was an unwitting participant thereof.’ (looks off camera again and chuckles) I can’t believe that X got suspended for that and I didn’t. Fucking hilarious. Thanks, legal team.
(Camera cuts to a shot of the ‘legal team’ - a fireman’s axe, a scorched gas mask and a half empty bottle of Everclear. Back to Roscoe.)
“So here’s the thing… We aren’t the type to chase down every person that gets up in our shit. We are here to whack a stick at a hornet’s nest and then let the wee buggers sting someone else. And besides, it’s incredibly poor time management to go after someone whose life span in this business mirrors that of a mayfly. (sniffs around and looks closer to the camera) The air is thick with bug references today so in that spirit… let’s talk about the cock-a-roach!
“Bobby Nowa… at 'The Frank'… with the rooty boot. And he clearly hasn’t forgotten about it because here he is, fifteen years later in Phoenix, being herded out to beg for another go-around in a gimmick match of all things. (shrugs) You know, I knew something about this was off. I mean, this obsession shit is weird especially since I have no idea what I did for all the attention. So instead of letting this bug (‘wink!’) me another week, I once again violate copyright laws to relive this gem from Irish Rage 2007, available to stream on Hardkore World… World. Or somewhere… (his voice tails off as he hits ‘PLAY’)
_______________________________
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Roscoe Law kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nowa lifts him up into a suplex but drops him on his head with a brainbuster! He climbs to the top turnbuckle but that masked man has run down to the ring!
Phil Blauer: The Blauer Machine returns!
Guillermo O'Bannon: It's not The Blauer Machine...it's not you, Phil! The masked man pushes Bobby Nowa crotching him on the top turnbuckle!!
[The Ulster Hall boos! Roscoe Law staggers to his feet and sees a blood soaked Bobby Nowa perched on the turnbuckle. He confused but climbs to the second turnbuckle and hits his brainbuster]
Guillermo O'Bannon: The Lawbreaker!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
[The crowd cheers and the masked man escapes through the crowd. “I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays]
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 15 minutes 6 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Roscoe Law benefits from that masked man who obviously has it in for Bobby Nowa, retaining his Hardkore West Coast Championship!
_______________________________
“This couldn’t be why he’s got it in for me ‘cause that was… Tsai Jingkai or Kenta Goto or whatever his name is… under that mask at Irish Rage that night. And that guy was your problem, Bobby. He came after you because you pissed him off. It had nothing to do with me and I told Boone that after the match… (suddenly an ADD-style full stop)
“Wait. I gotta ask… Is Matt Boone dead? I’m serious, I don’t know. Do you know? (looks over at the ‘legal team’ who obviously does NOT know) I haven’t seen that guy anywhere since I’ve been back and he’s always under foot. You know, I don’t know why I went directly to ‘dead’ instead of ‘retired’ or ‘quit’... (thinks aloud) …although he does seem like the type of guy to get mauled by animals at a petting zoo so… (suddenly refocuses)
“Anyway, coming after me at 'The Frank', costing me what would be my last match there anyway, taking credit for - basically - getting me on an earlier flight than I had scheduled… (aside) That was actually helpful. Thanks, I guess… I couldn’t figure out the obsession. It wasn’t what I said about Microshocker because you heard that all before. It wasn’t about Sheryl’s chlamydia. (gives an “Otter-at-student-court” wink to the camera) But yet, here you are looking for a sequel to whatever is going on in your upstairs, fifteen years after the last time. (shakes my head) Something wasn’t jiving here. (pauses and becomes more thoughtful and serious as he sits down) But I finally realized what it was. It wasn’t because I cost you the title, because I didn’t. It wasn’t because I called you a name or pissed all over some fake birthday party you took forever to set up. Bobby, your problem with me is that you can’t get to me. And you know it.
“Seriously, you can’t touch me. There is no button to push. There is no nerve to get on. You have no stroke in Law-Law Land and that has stuck with you for - and let’s do accurate math if we’re going to go here - SEVENTEEN YEARS. Seventeen years I’ve been living in your head rent-free. (pauses) Remember right before you tanked at Irish Rage ‘07? I do. You were a bit upset with me - No. Bobby, you were mad. Mad because I laughed off some silly skit of yours and everything else you had to say and that’s when you lost your shit. It was embarrassing… I was embarrassed for you. And you haven’t been able to let it go. (shakes my head) Seventeen-fuckin’-years.
“And - insult to injury - I came back in 2006 after years on the pine and collected belts at will. I wasn’t planning on it, but I did. West Coast title, TV title… (points off-screen) …Hell, there’s a Hardkore Midwest title belt caked with dried blood and Syberus’ flesh on it displayed in my liv… (interrupts himself and leans forward) There are BLOODBORNE PATHOGENS on display in my living room because even for a championship, no one wanted to leave with less than they came in with. I retired that belt just by being me. And you... I’ve seen your resume since I left and it wouldn’t even get you an interview.
“You once said - and I quote - ‘I am nothing like anyone you've ever faced before.’ Well, you’re right about that. Here I am… 20-24… wrestling a known stalker in a stretcher match. That’s a first. And now… (points to the table with the books) …I have to go through the Hardkore World Rulebook to figure out how a stretcher match works. (looks at the ‘legal team’) Do you know? (pauses) Is there an ambulance? (pauses and scowls) Then what do I pay you for?
(looks at the camera) "Once again, I’m here in Hardkore World for a good time. And this time I pay it forward to the fans because once I read that handbook and lock down the rules, I will reinvent the stretcher match in Hardkore World. It’s what I do. There will be stretchers and snacks and maybe an ambulance and I might get to fire up the siren if I’m a good boy. And - if I’m doing it right - there will be blood. Because that’s how I have a good time.
(Roscoe gets up to leave and stops.)
“I apologize. I kept you way longer than I intended. It’s just that I don’t get many visitors these days. (pauses) This was nice.”
(Roscoe walks off.)
(...)
(Yeah, it’s a library. It’s a room with books, ain’t it? And tapes of old matches. And 70s skin mags when fake breasts weren't around.)
ROSCOE LAW: (peeking into the camera from the side) “Silicone ruined everything!”
(He reveals himself fully to the camera and walks to a table filled with stacks of binders and thin manuals and pamphlets all strewn about like falsified receipts during tax season. He stares at the mess and sighs.)
“I looked. (pauses and faces the camera) “I checked every rulebook, manual, memo, missive and by-law … from everywhere I worked over the years. (sits down) There is no definition of how someone ends another person’s career. Nothing. (outstretches his arm, teasing the pile like he's Dian Parkinson) And believe me… I checked. Apparently that’s what Bobby Nowa is telling everyone. He cost my team a match in 2009 and I left in a fit of Irish Rage. (pauses) Ooops. Wrong reference, but I’ll get to that later. (Roscoe reaches over and pops a video cassette labeled “2009 Frank” in a VCR hooked to a big screen. It’s quite a set-up. A lot of adapters.)
“So here’s what I remember about 'The Frank' that year… Nothing. We were half drunk, which I believe is OK under 'Arn Rules'. Anywho, I didn’t remember who cost us the match back then and frankly - no pun intended - I didn’t care. Shit, I had to go to the tape to find out. (goes to hit play but stops) Oh, and the answer is no. I did not get expressed, written consent to use this Hardkore World copyrighted material so cool yer tits. (Roscoe makes an exaggerated motion to hit ‘PLAY’ whilst not breaking eye contact with the camera and the big screen comes to life!)
_______________________________
Guillermo O'Bannon: Roscoe Law pulls Spike up onto his shoulder and then powerbombs him!! He hangs onto his legs and legdrops his groin.
[Spike rolls over on his side, clutching his balls. Roscoe Law climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying headbutt]
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Bobby Nowa stomps Roscoe's head)
Phil Blauer: What's Bobby Nowa doing here? He knows this isn't Hardkore Asia, right? You gotta tell him stuff like that.
[Matthew X runs in but Vile "Vince" Viper grabs him from behind with a jumping backdrop driver!! Bobby Nowa grabs Roscoe Law as the fans boo, and jumps down with a codebreaker]
Guillermo O'Bannon: Crater Drop!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Spike Nelson tags Vile "Vince" Viper and grabs Roscoe with a rear waistlock. Vile "Vince" Viper runs in with a satan's strut eye gouge, pushing Law into Spike's german suplex!! Raging Star of the Forgotten Winds Send Pain Through the Night Skies!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
[The fans boo and Bobby Nowa rolls out of the ring. Aqua’s “Cartoon Heroes” plays and Roscoe crawls over to a bag he has at ringside]
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 27 minutes 11 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS...BETTER THAN SEX!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Hardkore All Asia Pro Intercontinental Champion Bobby Nowa, perhaps upset from the last time Roscoe Law beat him at Irish Rage in Belfast 2007...costing him the Hardkore World Tag Team titles and a split of $1 million dollars.
Phil Blauer: He does not look happy.
[Roscoe Law sneaks up behind a celebrating Vile "Vince" Viper and whacks him with that bag. Viper goes down like a bag of hammers]
Guillermo O'Bannon: This doesn't look over yet.
Phil Blauer: What was in that bag?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Matthew X lights his glove on fi… (‘click’)
“You don’t need to see the rest of that. Terrible business. (shakes his head as he switches tapes) Over the years, things like that happened so often to both of us that… (pauses and raises his finger) …sorry.
(starts again) “Over the years, things like that happened so often to both Matthew X and I… (a cash register is heard and Roscoe nods) There. That’s Pabst money for him. Anyway, it’s happened so often that it has evolved into an oh-well moment. And honestly, being pissed off every time someone crapped on one of my matches would connote that I had some sort of career investment in the 2000s… (leans in) …and folks, I was done in the mid-90s. Round Two in Hardkore World? It was never about having another run. It wasn’t some second coming, phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes, glorious return to the top of the mountain. It was a favor to a friend.
(pauses thoughtfully and looks up) "…friends."
“It was a way to do something again that I enjoyed doing before but it was also a way to give back by making sure every young prince who was waiting to next wear the crown knew they were completely and unequivocally subpar to those of us who knew Jonnie and Frank first. And who learned from them. And who grew to be better than the backwash that flowed in after.
“In that small window in the late 2000s, we weren’t here for a long time. We were here for a good time. We were here to get on Pinterest to learn how to correctly create barbed wire boat paddles and get our jollies taking in a Tum Tum tirade on O.G. edibles. We were here to procure accelerants and set local arenas aflame with the BURNING RAGE OF… (full stop)
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. What? (looks off camera and looks back) Apparently, my legal team says that the statute of limitations might not be up on that one yet. And… what? (looks away and back again) My legal team also says that… (reading the prepared script for the umpteenth time) …‘I had no knowledge of the events leading to the terrible fire that consumed the Palm Springs Convention Center in 2008 and was an unwitting participant thereof.’ (looks off camera again and chuckles) I can’t believe that X got suspended for that and I didn’t. Fucking hilarious. Thanks, legal team.
(Camera cuts to a shot of the ‘legal team’ - a fireman’s axe, a scorched gas mask and a half empty bottle of Everclear. Back to Roscoe.)
“So here’s the thing… We aren’t the type to chase down every person that gets up in our shit. We are here to whack a stick at a hornet’s nest and then let the wee buggers sting someone else. And besides, it’s incredibly poor time management to go after someone whose life span in this business mirrors that of a mayfly. (sniffs around and looks closer to the camera) The air is thick with bug references today so in that spirit… let’s talk about the cock-a-roach!
“Bobby Nowa… at 'The Frank'… with the rooty boot. And he clearly hasn’t forgotten about it because here he is, fifteen years later in Phoenix, being herded out to beg for another go-around in a gimmick match of all things. (shrugs) You know, I knew something about this was off. I mean, this obsession shit is weird especially since I have no idea what I did for all the attention. So instead of letting this bug (‘wink!’) me another week, I once again violate copyright laws to relive this gem from Irish Rage 2007, available to stream on Hardkore World… World. Or somewhere… (his voice tails off as he hits ‘PLAY’)
_______________________________
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Roscoe Law kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nowa lifts him up into a suplex but drops him on his head with a brainbuster! He climbs to the top turnbuckle but that masked man has run down to the ring!
Phil Blauer: The Blauer Machine returns!
Guillermo O'Bannon: It's not The Blauer Machine...it's not you, Phil! The masked man pushes Bobby Nowa crotching him on the top turnbuckle!!
[The Ulster Hall boos! Roscoe Law staggers to his feet and sees a blood soaked Bobby Nowa perched on the turnbuckle. He confused but climbs to the second turnbuckle and hits his brainbuster]
Guillermo O'Bannon: The Lawbreaker!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
[The crowd cheers and the masked man escapes through the crowd. “I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays]
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 15 minutes 6 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Roscoe Law benefits from that masked man who obviously has it in for Bobby Nowa, retaining his Hardkore West Coast Championship!
_______________________________
“This couldn’t be why he’s got it in for me ‘cause that was… Tsai Jingkai or Kenta Goto or whatever his name is… under that mask at Irish Rage that night. And that guy was your problem, Bobby. He came after you because you pissed him off. It had nothing to do with me and I told Boone that after the match… (suddenly an ADD-style full stop)
“Wait. I gotta ask… Is Matt Boone dead? I’m serious, I don’t know. Do you know? (looks over at the ‘legal team’ who obviously does NOT know) I haven’t seen that guy anywhere since I’ve been back and he’s always under foot. You know, I don’t know why I went directly to ‘dead’ instead of ‘retired’ or ‘quit’... (thinks aloud) …although he does seem like the type of guy to get mauled by animals at a petting zoo so… (suddenly refocuses)
“Anyway, coming after me at 'The Frank', costing me what would be my last match there anyway, taking credit for - basically - getting me on an earlier flight than I had scheduled… (aside) That was actually helpful. Thanks, I guess… I couldn’t figure out the obsession. It wasn’t what I said about Microshocker because you heard that all before. It wasn’t about Sheryl’s chlamydia. (gives an “Otter-at-student-court” wink to the camera) But yet, here you are looking for a sequel to whatever is going on in your upstairs, fifteen years after the last time. (shakes my head) Something wasn’t jiving here. (pauses and becomes more thoughtful and serious as he sits down) But I finally realized what it was. It wasn’t because I cost you the title, because I didn’t. It wasn’t because I called you a name or pissed all over some fake birthday party you took forever to set up. Bobby, your problem with me is that you can’t get to me. And you know it.
“Seriously, you can’t touch me. There is no button to push. There is no nerve to get on. You have no stroke in Law-Law Land and that has stuck with you for - and let’s do accurate math if we’re going to go here - SEVENTEEN YEARS. Seventeen years I’ve been living in your head rent-free. (pauses) Remember right before you tanked at Irish Rage ‘07? I do. You were a bit upset with me - No. Bobby, you were mad. Mad because I laughed off some silly skit of yours and everything else you had to say and that’s when you lost your shit. It was embarrassing… I was embarrassed for you. And you haven’t been able to let it go. (shakes my head) Seventeen-fuckin’-years.
“And - insult to injury - I came back in 2006 after years on the pine and collected belts at will. I wasn’t planning on it, but I did. West Coast title, TV title… (points off-screen) …Hell, there’s a Hardkore Midwest title belt caked with dried blood and Syberus’ flesh on it displayed in my liv… (interrupts himself and leans forward) There are BLOODBORNE PATHOGENS on display in my living room because even for a championship, no one wanted to leave with less than they came in with. I retired that belt just by being me. And you... I’ve seen your resume since I left and it wouldn’t even get you an interview.
“You once said - and I quote - ‘I am nothing like anyone you've ever faced before.’ Well, you’re right about that. Here I am… 20-24… wrestling a known stalker in a stretcher match. That’s a first. And now… (points to the table with the books) …I have to go through the Hardkore World Rulebook to figure out how a stretcher match works. (looks at the ‘legal team’) Do you know? (pauses) Is there an ambulance? (pauses and scowls) Then what do I pay you for?
(looks at the camera) "Once again, I’m here in Hardkore World for a good time. And this time I pay it forward to the fans because once I read that handbook and lock down the rules, I will reinvent the stretcher match in Hardkore World. It’s what I do. There will be stretchers and snacks and maybe an ambulance and I might get to fire up the siren if I’m a good boy. And - if I’m doing it right - there will be blood. Because that’s how I have a good time.
(Roscoe gets up to leave and stops.)
“I apologize. I kept you way longer than I intended. It’s just that I don’t get many visitors these days. (pauses) This was nice.”
(Roscoe walks off.)