Double the Fun [FML Palm Springs Punishment]
Apr 2, 2024 0:16:40 GMT -5
Jonnie Valentine, Kilroy, and 2 more like this
Post by flo on Apr 2, 2024 0:16:40 GMT -5
"Hello I'd like to speak to the Detective in charge of the Dorthy Blauer case..."
We fade into a public phone booth. The year might be 2015? Maybe its the present, but the important thing is that this HardKore World still has functioning phone booths. Leaning against a glass panel in the small, graffiti covered compartment, Florida Man holds up a sheet of paper, attempting to read it into the phone, but finding the space cramped to breathe. If he doesn't watch it, the HKW world champion is going to talk himself into an even smaller box.
Florida Man:
Yeah, I did it-
It should be noted that the gator faced luchador has a clothespin fastened to his nose to disguise his voice. Unfortunately this cartoon logic doesn't apply to masks, and since the croc snout ends close to two feet from his real nose, Florida Man's voice sounds as muffled as usual, with no additional concealment.
Florida Man:
...I killed the old bag-
CA-SLACK.
The folding door of the booth is thrown open by the champion's diminutive, green painted, personal attorney. The lead base of the paint he's coated in, means that Gazoo is always experiencing a tingling sensation - but the dwarf chalks this up to a "spider sense" he gets whenever Florida Man is about to go to prison. ...He's not wrong.
Florida Man (reading paper):
...I waited till the cover of darkness, when I knew her deeply loving husband would be out at his well established alibi - I never would have had the courage to try anything when that heroic athlete was around to protect her-
Gazoo:
Flo, what are you doing?
Holding the phone to his chest, to apparently put it on silent, FML waves the piece of paper.
Florida Man:
Making a prank call. When Phil found out about our shared interest of Jackass, he insisted on giving me a scriggity script for this one. Me and Phil are gonna be the next Jerky Boys, Gaz!
Gazoo (wide eyed reaching for the receiver):
Give me that!
Florida Man (defiantly raising the phone to finish his prank, quickly before Gazoo can ruin his fun):
SO I AM DEFINITELY THE KILLER, YOU CAN FIND ALL THE CORROBORATING EVIDENCE IN A BOX ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF 87-
Before Florida Man can finish accidentally framing himself, Gazoo yanks the cord out.
Florida Man:
Hello? Officer? Hello?
Dead.
Florida Man:
Great, just great-
Your friendly neighbourhood meth dealer slams the phone back into place, further breaking it.
Florida Man:
Do you have any idea what you just did, Gaz?
Gazoo:
Keeping your ass out of prison, Flo!
Florida Man:
For prank calls? Dang paranoid, Gaz. No, I was on the phone with the POLICE, who probably heard you DESTROYING public property!
Shaking his head in frustration, the dwarf kicks out one of the glass panels.
Gazoo:
They already have your finger prints all over the crime scene, what the hell were you saying?
Finding the already cosy booth filling up with broken glass, the shady duo exit out into a quiet street. Palm Springs.
Florida Man:
Look Gaz, Phil is paying us a lot of money to make Kill Roy miserable. Phil doesn't seem to realize that I REALLY DESPISE KILL ROY, and would do that for free... I feel kind of bad taking advantage of our wealthy friend. ...So if our benefactor says he thinks it would be funny for me to perform a prepared monologue for the pigs, I go along with it-
Gazoo:
Wait, Phil wrote it? We can use that-
Before the dwarf can snatch away the piece of paper, Florida Man is eating it. This mainly involves pulling a string on the side of his jaw which sees some motors in the mask simulate a chewing motion. The end result looks like Cookie Monster, and quickly turns the paper into confetti.
Florida Man (belching scraps):
He said I should get rid of the script, so I get full credit for the jokes.
Gazoo (slapping forehead):
Unbelievable.
Florida Man:
I know. That Phil is so generous. He really is the biggity best of us.
Gazoo:
What am I going to do with you?
Florida Man:
For starters, we need to find another pay phone - do you have any idea how long a working one took me to find?
The duo start strolling down Tamarisk road... getting about twenty-feet down the block, before the ground gives out, and Gazoo falls into a pit.
Gazoo:
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
A little boy jumps out from behind a bush.
Tinto:
Ah-Ha!
Sinister laughter is cut short when Tinto realizes the wrong mark fell into his trap. As the Sunshine State Stud looks down into the hole, then turns his attention to the child, the little boy tries to hide back in the bushes. They are rather dense, and it takes some effort.
Florida Man:
You alight, Gaz?
Gazoo (yelling up):
Do I look alright, Flo? I'll take cavernous pot holes in Phoenix, but Palm Springs? Get me the hell out of here!
Florida Man:
Give me a second-
Gazoo:
NO! Come back h-
Slinking away from the hole, the wannabe gorn approaches the perpetrator. Concerned that he may have been spotted, Tinto channels his first grade play, DOOM Eternal for Stage, and pretends to be a tree. This feels like that scene in Predator, where Arnold Schwarzenegger is covered in mud, his body heat is masked, and the Predator can't see him! Tinto was the best tree. Yeah, even if he's looking right at him, that butt brained lizard can't see-
Florida Man:
What are we doing here, little man?
Tinto:
I HATE YOU.
The small child hisses then tries to run off, only the world champion grabs an arm.
Florida Man:
Everyone loves me. You on the crickety crack?
Tinto (pouting):
No.
Dang. This is not helping FML's bottom line.
Florida Man:
Then elaborate how I've managed to ruin your life, cocktail weenie... and make it fast, or I'll throw you down that hole for Gaz to use as a ladder.
Tinto (kicking Florida Man in the shin):
You broke up the Mischief Express!
Florida Man (no selling it):
The who?
Tinto (still kicking):
Manly Marty and Kiss Stealin' Kilroy, only the greatest team in the history of everything! Best time of my life... until you went and cost them the titles-
Florida Man:
Debatable.
Tinto:
Then seduced Mister Marty away from the team! How was Mister Kilroy supposed to compete with your crocodile tears, for all his kiss stealing ways? Turning Mister Marty to the darkside... and he won't even acknowledge your Sith like influence, Mister Man, because Disney owns it.
Florida Man:
So...... you don't want to hurt me.
Tinto:
Yes, I do!
Florida Man:
Nah, nah, you dang fool, what you want is the Mischief Express to reunite, so you can go back to your maximum corny antics.
Tinto:
I do? I mean, yeah, but I don't think Mister Kilroy will trust Mister Marty again-
Florida Man:
If I had a quarter for every time Kill Roy let Marty back into his heart against all reason, rational thought, common sense, and brain functions - why I'd have Phil money!
Tinto:
But how do I fix this?
Florida Man:
We PARENT TRAP 'EM!
Night.
Le Vallauris.
Candles light up the patio of the swanky restaurant, at the centre of the romantic atmosphere is an empty table.
....Just to the left of that table, is another one, in which two patrons hold their menus up FOREVER to obscure their faces as if they were elaborate disguises. A waiter comes over to ask these patrons if they are ready to order yet, but gets sworn at for his troubles. Behind these menus, Florida Man explains the plot of the popular Hayley Miles film to an increasingly confused Tinto.
Florida Man:
...Can you diggity DIG it?
Tinto:
So we're twins?
Florida Man:
Yes, apparently the Mischief Express broke up right after we were born, which is why we have no prior knowledge of one another's existence. You went with Marty to have an awesome time, and I got stuck spending WAAAY too much time with Kill Roy. ...which he will regret... But now that us Hayley Mills mirror images have been reunited, we don't want to be separated again, so the trap involves getting our parents to get back together.
Tinto:
I don't think we look alike, Mister Man.
Florida Man:
That's because I wear a mask dummy.
Tinto:
Oh. I thought my nose was smaller, brother. So we just have to get them to spend time together?
Florida Man:
Naturally. Kill Roy and Marty were meant to be together, just as much as Marty is destined to betray Kill Roy once again. It's written in the stars. So we're recreating their first date - good thing it happened here in Palm Springs. Brings my promo budget down, so I can prioritize scratch'n'win tickets.
Tinto:
But how are we going to make them show up?
Florida Man:
Way ahead of you-
With that the "twins" pull their menus closer to their faces, as a waiter shows Marty Donovan to his seat. The former Mischief Express ace looks nervous.
Marty Donovan:
Excuse me, any word on Mr. Iger?
Waiter:
Yes, we received a message that he was running twenty minutes late. Can I start you with a drink?
Whisky. ...but it would be too easy to get sauced before Bob arrives, and Marty needs to have his wits about him if he's going to negotiate a new Disney contract. Tonight is the night.
Marty Donovan:
I'll stick to water for now....... thanks.
A bundle of nerves, Marty sits back in his chair, marinating in a cold sweat. The slightest noise has Marty turn towards the entrance with a broad smile to greet his former boss, only to find nothing, and return to first position. For his hyper sensitivity, Marty appears to be oblivious to the conversation occurring six feet to his left...
Tinto (whispering):
Oh no, a third wheel! I hope Mister Bob joining them doesn't put a cramp in Manly Marty and Kiss Stealin' Kilroy's romantic dinner.
Florida Man (whispering):
Tinto, look at the desert part of the menu. Is the Ice Cream shaped like a mouse? Bob Iger wouldn't be caught dead in this tacky dive.
Tinto (whispering):
Then why would Mister Bob suggest Mister Marty meet him?
Florida Man flashes a sleazy smile at Tinto to clue him in. Unfortunately, that is how the Floridian's mask always looks - so his "twin" remains in the dark for a depressingly long beat.
Florida Man (dejected he has to spell it out):
I made the call... it was the only way to get Marty here.
Tinto (aghast):
You lied? Brother, how could you? Our dead sainted mother didn't raise us to lie!
The righteous indignation is loud enough that Marty starts to look over, forcing Tinto to raise his menu higher. That was close.
Tinto (whisper):
So if Marty thinks he's meeting Mister Bob, then Kilroy is going to come to meet-
Florida Man (nodding):
Adolf Hitler. Since Kill Roy wants to take my world title and cause all the children of the world to cry - it is obvious to me that he is worse than Hitler. I imagine it's a pretty lonely life being worse than dang Hitler, so I decided to set up a play date between that loathsome Evans and the one person on earth that is almost as rotten as him. I'm sure they'll have a great time, talking about all their crimes against humanity - like making Phil watch substandard wrestling. So I left a message with the Kiss Thief's service "Guttentag heir Evans, it is me - your greatest admirer, the Führer, the way you screwed that bastion of goodness, Florida Man out of the California title? So evil! Your basic lack of humanity made my skin crawl, but listen to me gush on about your finer qualities heir Evans. I will be in Palm Springs this week for Punishment - as the only thing I love more than waging world war, is watching you in the ring. Care to meet up for drinks and exchange hair grooming tips, as always, your only friend, Adolf."
Tinto (whisper):
You are the master of disguise! If I close my eyes is like Mister Adolf is right here with me, in Palm Springs...
Florida Man:
You're too kind.
Tinto (voice occasionally raises):
No way Mister Kilroy is turning down that meeting! We'll have him stealing Manly Marty's kisses in no time!
Florida Man (nodding like Jack Nicolson in the Departed):
Frankly I'm surprised Kill Roy didn't show up first...
As the twins congratulate themselves on getting the Mischief Express back together, a series of dissolves takes us later and later into the evening. Guests come. Guests leave. The sky grows darker. Candles are replaced almost as often as bread baskets. Marty still has a hair trigger greeting for the man who would be his boss, but as the hours melt away, even it is getting sluggish. When we finally return to real time, a snoozing Tinto is woken by his menu slipping - jerked back to reality by the need to reposition his disguise.
Tinto:
How lo-
Florida Man:
Five hours. So Kill Roy isn't only a crappy human being, he also doesn't respect time...
Tinto:
I hope nothing horrible has happened to Mister Kilroy. It must be really bad for him to miss a date with Mister Adolf.
"What the-"
Before the "twins" can react, Marty Donovan snatches away their menus, and glares down at his unfortunate support system.
Marty Donovan:
What are you two doing here?
Florida Man & Tinto:
Health inspectors.
Marty Donovan:
You know what? I don't care. I have a very important meeting, and I don't need you two screwing it up for me.
Lowering their heads, the admonished pseudo siblings start to drag their feet towards the exit.
Marty Donovan:
And knock off those Adolf references, you know how sensitive Disney is about Fantasia.
He'll be a company man yet. Shaking his head in frustration, Marty sits back down to wait for Bob Iger. The crestfallen "twins" watch the lonely patron from the sidewalk.
Florida Man:
Dang. Looks like Kill Roy stabbed Marty in the back for a change. What a dick.
Tinto:
I don't understand, did Hayley Mills lie to us?
Florida Man:
Nah, there is a whole second part of the Trap. Apparently Marty is already engaged to someone new, but his new squeeze is a gold digger, so we're completely morally justified when we break them up.
Tinto:
Paving the way for Mister Kilroy to slide in and renew his Mischief Express vows?
Florida Man:
Diggity DANG right! Now in the film the new partner HATES camping, so we have to go on a camping trip. Get Ollie to force Marty to take you-
Tinto:
On it, bro!
A skip in his devious step, the little boy charges off into the night without further instructions. Walking across the street, Florida Man leans against a wall - still watching his exhausted tag partner. After a few beats, the scaly mask turns to acknowledge the camera.
Florida Man:
I hear ya... did shooting nail guns up in the air, then catching thirty of them in the noggin leave me with permanent brain damage? WHY would I want to reunite my BEST FRIEND with one of my least favourite people? Am I only doing it to torture Kill Roy's former manager Lil' Corny, proving that for all the strap matches, EVANS isn't even the hero of his own story? I gots my reasons...
For example... this here gator has a lot of VICES. You name it, and I'm probably doing it on the regular. Addictive personality, feel me? Only for all the booze, pills, gambling, pica, paraphilia, scheming, misadventures and generally awesome kicks... the one thing I constant CRAVE... the ONE THING I can't get enough of in this entire Hardkore world... is watching my boi, Marty, stab that lousy Kill Roy in the back. It's beautiful! We all know it is coming, but we all still act surprised! MAGICAL. I can't get enough of it! I don't want to live in a world where I'll never experience the PURE JOY of Marty throwing his underachieving partner under the bus. THAT is my happy place. So I hope the Mischief Express runs again, just so the Epcot Mafia can derail it!
Betrayed again? Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Kill Roy... you seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that it was the PHILTHY ANIMALS that cost you your strap? NAAAAAAH! Phil got the boys together to end your career, when it comes to MY WORLD TITLE... I beat you. Simple as that. I had the OPTION to pin you for the three count, but I decided it would be funnier if your pal, Marty, beat you within an inch of your life. ...And it was that funny, damn near wet my pants busting a gut on live television. Only downside to my amusing myself? You think we got some unfinished business? We don't. I'm the better Florida Man, what more is there? Rehashing my superiority is just gonna have you brutalized in ultraviolent fashion......... which we've established is like Christmas to me, so let's knock you out one more time! If you want me to make it OFFICIAL... I'll be happy to oblige. HELL, you may find that Andrew Karnage joins our outfit this time. It could happen... you ain't exactly a great judge of character.
Nah, you don't pick loyal partners. ...Case in point, the origin of our conflict. ....Don't act like you're the injured party. Nothing could be further from the truth! You started this, Kill Roy. I'm an outsider who simple wanted an HKW's announcer to read the dang cue cards, and you all have a great laugh at my expense. You stood up for Greg Jin's unprofessional announcing, like where's a Valentine when you need one, and did it in a way that cost me a match to JOE NOBODY. I could skin you alive, and we still wouldn't be even for that dang indignity, Kill Roy. So... yeah, Greg Jin. Was it worth it? "Standing up to a bully is always worth it." I wasn't bullying nothing, just requesting certain things be said during my entrance... like any other wrestler in this HardKore World. You tried to make an example of me to help Greg out... for NO reason... so I ask you... did you hear any concern in Greg's voice when AVB, Marty and me were pounding your head like a drum? Did Greg sound sad when he announced "YOUR NEW WORLD CHAMPION, FLORIDA MAN!" .......yeah, me neither. Sounded almost happy. ...You sure can pick your friends, Kill Roy.
But what is your friendship worth?
Lil' Corny was your friend, and look at the dubious characters you let him hang out with. No heart at all, Kill Roy. YEAH, The Mischief Express dissolved. Marty Donovan turned on you... and right now, as we get strapped together... you sound more broken up about losing the world title than losing your friend.
Check your priorities, Kill Roy.
I won the world title... didn't steal it... won it...
But the real prize? Not the world title, but MY dear friend, Marty.
THAT should be why you resent me. THAT should be why you're hurt... not the near death beating, or lost strap, but the lack of flowers for your half dead ass in the hospital. THAT should choke you up. The VOID of only having Karnage and Sheik as buddies. Pathetic. You want to strap me? Do it because MARTY likes me better than you!
Yeah, it isn't just the gold around my waist that makes me the better Florida Man.
...Remember that the next time I send you to hospital and no one visits.
Tiny footsteps hurry along the concrete. Racing towards his long lost brother, Tinto gives him a thumbs up on the Ollie plan. Time for phase two.
Dusk.
Coachella Valley.
Camping.
The serene environment is ruined by the shrill laughter of the twins.
A small blue tent has its flap open, with bare feet sticking out of the entrance. Standing over the feet, the HardKore World champion and the malnourished eight-year-old that has been convinced he's the alligator's twin, attempt to stifle laughter as they pour honey on the exposed extremities. When the jar has finally run out, the nefarious duo run across their campground, hiding behind a red tent.
Tinto:
There is NO way is can fail!
Some bear cubs stumble into the camp, and start wandering towards the honey based feet.
Tinto:
He is gonna freak out, and dump Mister Marty! It will be child's play for Mister Kilroy to pick up a depressed Mister Marty on the rebound, and with the Mischief Express reunited, we can hang out all the time brother! ....I'm sorry the Mischief Express kept us apart.
Florida Man:
Me too, Tinto. Grown-ups are selfish that way.
Marty Donovan:
What are we doing?
Florida Man & Tinto:
Eep.
Having walked up behind the scheming twins, Marty Donovan is waking up with a pot of coffee, which might have a few bottles of whisky in it, depending on how his fake Bob Iger meeting went. Marty does not want to be out in nature, and is only on this camping trip because Ollie is forcing him. He could care less if Florida Man and Tinto set themselves on fire, but doesn't want to be charged by park authorities if they burn anything else down.
Florida Man & Tinto:
Picnic Basket Inspectors.
Marty Donovan (taking a swig of whisky pot):
...whatever.
Too disinterested to care if they burn the valley down, Marty turns back to his tent...
"SON OF A BITCH!"
Marty spins back around in horror, as two bear cubs scamper away from Deacon Oldham's tent. Rather than gnaw off the Dis’ N’ Griz’ members' feet, the bears just licked them. ...apparently not enough, as Deacon is clearly aware of the sticky substance he's tracking all over his tent. The twins laugh and point.
Tinto:
I don't think Mister Deacon likes nature as much as he let on. He might only be in it for the money...
Kicking over his tent, Deacon Oldham starts to load a rifle.
Florida Man:
Those bears are screwed-
Bullet in the chamber, Deacon starts to stomp towards his prey - only instead of going in the direction of the bears, he follows the giggling.
Marty Donovan:
Run you fools!
Oh. Right. Marty, Flo, and Tinto all make a break for it, as Deacon chases after them with buckshot. The lengths Tinto will go to to reunite the Mischief Express. As the trio zig zag to avoid direct hits, Florida Man can't help but be touched that Marty didn't trip him to throw Deacon off the scent. Marty definitely would have tripped Kilroy. Apparently Marty is just a better friend to Florida Man, or Kilroy is an easy victim. Trying to use Tinto as a shield while still running, the HardKore World champion takes time to tease the camera.
Florida Man:
See Kill Roy... REAL friendship... so as far as our TIFF goes... I already won!
Taking some buckshot to the tail, Florida Man hops into the air like a cartoon, before doubling his speed to catch up with Marty. If Donovan trips Florida Man to buy himself some time, the camera cuts away beforehand.
We fade into a public phone booth. The year might be 2015? Maybe its the present, but the important thing is that this HardKore World still has functioning phone booths. Leaning against a glass panel in the small, graffiti covered compartment, Florida Man holds up a sheet of paper, attempting to read it into the phone, but finding the space cramped to breathe. If he doesn't watch it, the HKW world champion is going to talk himself into an even smaller box.
Florida Man:
Yeah, I did it-
It should be noted that the gator faced luchador has a clothespin fastened to his nose to disguise his voice. Unfortunately this cartoon logic doesn't apply to masks, and since the croc snout ends close to two feet from his real nose, Florida Man's voice sounds as muffled as usual, with no additional concealment.
Florida Man:
...I killed the old bag-
CA-SLACK.
The folding door of the booth is thrown open by the champion's diminutive, green painted, personal attorney. The lead base of the paint he's coated in, means that Gazoo is always experiencing a tingling sensation - but the dwarf chalks this up to a "spider sense" he gets whenever Florida Man is about to go to prison. ...He's not wrong.
Florida Man (reading paper):
...I waited till the cover of darkness, when I knew her deeply loving husband would be out at his well established alibi - I never would have had the courage to try anything when that heroic athlete was around to protect her-
Gazoo:
Flo, what are you doing?
Holding the phone to his chest, to apparently put it on silent, FML waves the piece of paper.
Florida Man:
Making a prank call. When Phil found out about our shared interest of Jackass, he insisted on giving me a scriggity script for this one. Me and Phil are gonna be the next Jerky Boys, Gaz!
Gazoo (wide eyed reaching for the receiver):
Give me that!
Florida Man (defiantly raising the phone to finish his prank, quickly before Gazoo can ruin his fun):
SO I AM DEFINITELY THE KILLER, YOU CAN FIND ALL THE CORROBORATING EVIDENCE IN A BOX ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF 87-
Before Florida Man can finish accidentally framing himself, Gazoo yanks the cord out.
Florida Man:
Hello? Officer? Hello?
Dead.
Florida Man:
Great, just great-
Your friendly neighbourhood meth dealer slams the phone back into place, further breaking it.
Florida Man:
Do you have any idea what you just did, Gaz?
Gazoo:
Keeping your ass out of prison, Flo!
Florida Man:
For prank calls? Dang paranoid, Gaz. No, I was on the phone with the POLICE, who probably heard you DESTROYING public property!
Shaking his head in frustration, the dwarf kicks out one of the glass panels.
Gazoo:
They already have your finger prints all over the crime scene, what the hell were you saying?
Finding the already cosy booth filling up with broken glass, the shady duo exit out into a quiet street. Palm Springs.
Florida Man:
Look Gaz, Phil is paying us a lot of money to make Kill Roy miserable. Phil doesn't seem to realize that I REALLY DESPISE KILL ROY, and would do that for free... I feel kind of bad taking advantage of our wealthy friend. ...So if our benefactor says he thinks it would be funny for me to perform a prepared monologue for the pigs, I go along with it-
Gazoo:
Wait, Phil wrote it? We can use that-
Before the dwarf can snatch away the piece of paper, Florida Man is eating it. This mainly involves pulling a string on the side of his jaw which sees some motors in the mask simulate a chewing motion. The end result looks like Cookie Monster, and quickly turns the paper into confetti.
Florida Man (belching scraps):
He said I should get rid of the script, so I get full credit for the jokes.
Gazoo (slapping forehead):
Unbelievable.
Florida Man:
I know. That Phil is so generous. He really is the biggity best of us.
Gazoo:
What am I going to do with you?
Florida Man:
For starters, we need to find another pay phone - do you have any idea how long a working one took me to find?
The duo start strolling down Tamarisk road... getting about twenty-feet down the block, before the ground gives out, and Gazoo falls into a pit.
Gazoo:
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
A little boy jumps out from behind a bush.
Tinto:
Ah-Ha!
Sinister laughter is cut short when Tinto realizes the wrong mark fell into his trap. As the Sunshine State Stud looks down into the hole, then turns his attention to the child, the little boy tries to hide back in the bushes. They are rather dense, and it takes some effort.
Florida Man:
You alight, Gaz?
Gazoo (yelling up):
Do I look alright, Flo? I'll take cavernous pot holes in Phoenix, but Palm Springs? Get me the hell out of here!
Florida Man:
Give me a second-
Gazoo:
NO! Come back h-
Slinking away from the hole, the wannabe gorn approaches the perpetrator. Concerned that he may have been spotted, Tinto channels his first grade play, DOOM Eternal for Stage, and pretends to be a tree. This feels like that scene in Predator, where Arnold Schwarzenegger is covered in mud, his body heat is masked, and the Predator can't see him! Tinto was the best tree. Yeah, even if he's looking right at him, that butt brained lizard can't see-
Florida Man:
What are we doing here, little man?
Tinto:
I HATE YOU.
The small child hisses then tries to run off, only the world champion grabs an arm.
Florida Man:
Everyone loves me. You on the crickety crack?
Tinto (pouting):
No.
Dang. This is not helping FML's bottom line.
Florida Man:
Then elaborate how I've managed to ruin your life, cocktail weenie... and make it fast, or I'll throw you down that hole for Gaz to use as a ladder.
Tinto (kicking Florida Man in the shin):
You broke up the Mischief Express!
Florida Man (no selling it):
The who?
Tinto (still kicking):
Manly Marty and Kiss Stealin' Kilroy, only the greatest team in the history of everything! Best time of my life... until you went and cost them the titles-
Florida Man:
Debatable.
Tinto:
Then seduced Mister Marty away from the team! How was Mister Kilroy supposed to compete with your crocodile tears, for all his kiss stealing ways? Turning Mister Marty to the darkside... and he won't even acknowledge your Sith like influence, Mister Man, because Disney owns it.
Florida Man:
So...... you don't want to hurt me.
Tinto:
Yes, I do!
Florida Man:
Nah, nah, you dang fool, what you want is the Mischief Express to reunite, so you can go back to your maximum corny antics.
Tinto:
I do? I mean, yeah, but I don't think Mister Kilroy will trust Mister Marty again-
Florida Man:
If I had a quarter for every time Kill Roy let Marty back into his heart against all reason, rational thought, common sense, and brain functions - why I'd have Phil money!
Tinto:
But how do I fix this?
Florida Man:
We PARENT TRAP 'EM!
THE EPCOT MAFIA
IN
THE PARENT TRAP
Night.
Le Vallauris.
Candles light up the patio of the swanky restaurant, at the centre of the romantic atmosphere is an empty table.
....Just to the left of that table, is another one, in which two patrons hold their menus up FOREVER to obscure their faces as if they were elaborate disguises. A waiter comes over to ask these patrons if they are ready to order yet, but gets sworn at for his troubles. Behind these menus, Florida Man explains the plot of the popular Hayley Miles film to an increasingly confused Tinto.
Florida Man:
...Can you diggity DIG it?
Tinto:
So we're twins?
Florida Man:
Yes, apparently the Mischief Express broke up right after we were born, which is why we have no prior knowledge of one another's existence. You went with Marty to have an awesome time, and I got stuck spending WAAAY too much time with Kill Roy. ...which he will regret... But now that us Hayley Mills mirror images have been reunited, we don't want to be separated again, so the trap involves getting our parents to get back together.
Tinto:
I don't think we look alike, Mister Man.
Florida Man:
That's because I wear a mask dummy.
Tinto:
Oh. I thought my nose was smaller, brother. So we just have to get them to spend time together?
Florida Man:
Naturally. Kill Roy and Marty were meant to be together, just as much as Marty is destined to betray Kill Roy once again. It's written in the stars. So we're recreating their first date - good thing it happened here in Palm Springs. Brings my promo budget down, so I can prioritize scratch'n'win tickets.
Tinto:
But how are we going to make them show up?
Florida Man:
Way ahead of you-
With that the "twins" pull their menus closer to their faces, as a waiter shows Marty Donovan to his seat. The former Mischief Express ace looks nervous.
Marty Donovan:
Excuse me, any word on Mr. Iger?
Waiter:
Yes, we received a message that he was running twenty minutes late. Can I start you with a drink?
Whisky. ...but it would be too easy to get sauced before Bob arrives, and Marty needs to have his wits about him if he's going to negotiate a new Disney contract. Tonight is the night.
Marty Donovan:
I'll stick to water for now....... thanks.
A bundle of nerves, Marty sits back in his chair, marinating in a cold sweat. The slightest noise has Marty turn towards the entrance with a broad smile to greet his former boss, only to find nothing, and return to first position. For his hyper sensitivity, Marty appears to be oblivious to the conversation occurring six feet to his left...
Tinto (whispering):
Oh no, a third wheel! I hope Mister Bob joining them doesn't put a cramp in Manly Marty and Kiss Stealin' Kilroy's romantic dinner.
Florida Man (whispering):
Tinto, look at the desert part of the menu. Is the Ice Cream shaped like a mouse? Bob Iger wouldn't be caught dead in this tacky dive.
Tinto (whispering):
Then why would Mister Bob suggest Mister Marty meet him?
Florida Man flashes a sleazy smile at Tinto to clue him in. Unfortunately, that is how the Floridian's mask always looks - so his "twin" remains in the dark for a depressingly long beat.
Florida Man (dejected he has to spell it out):
I made the call... it was the only way to get Marty here.
Tinto (aghast):
You lied? Brother, how could you? Our dead sainted mother didn't raise us to lie!
The righteous indignation is loud enough that Marty starts to look over, forcing Tinto to raise his menu higher. That was close.
Tinto (whisper):
So if Marty thinks he's meeting Mister Bob, then Kilroy is going to come to meet-
Florida Man (nodding):
Adolf Hitler. Since Kill Roy wants to take my world title and cause all the children of the world to cry - it is obvious to me that he is worse than Hitler. I imagine it's a pretty lonely life being worse than dang Hitler, so I decided to set up a play date between that loathsome Evans and the one person on earth that is almost as rotten as him. I'm sure they'll have a great time, talking about all their crimes against humanity - like making Phil watch substandard wrestling. So I left a message with the Kiss Thief's service "Guttentag heir Evans, it is me - your greatest admirer, the Führer, the way you screwed that bastion of goodness, Florida Man out of the California title? So evil! Your basic lack of humanity made my skin crawl, but listen to me gush on about your finer qualities heir Evans. I will be in Palm Springs this week for Punishment - as the only thing I love more than waging world war, is watching you in the ring. Care to meet up for drinks and exchange hair grooming tips, as always, your only friend, Adolf."
Tinto (whisper):
You are the master of disguise! If I close my eyes is like Mister Adolf is right here with me, in Palm Springs...
Florida Man:
You're too kind.
Tinto (voice occasionally raises):
No way Mister Kilroy is turning down that meeting! We'll have him stealing Manly Marty's kisses in no time!
Florida Man (nodding like Jack Nicolson in the Departed):
Frankly I'm surprised Kill Roy didn't show up first...
As the twins congratulate themselves on getting the Mischief Express back together, a series of dissolves takes us later and later into the evening. Guests come. Guests leave. The sky grows darker. Candles are replaced almost as often as bread baskets. Marty still has a hair trigger greeting for the man who would be his boss, but as the hours melt away, even it is getting sluggish. When we finally return to real time, a snoozing Tinto is woken by his menu slipping - jerked back to reality by the need to reposition his disguise.
Tinto:
How lo-
Florida Man:
Five hours. So Kill Roy isn't only a crappy human being, he also doesn't respect time...
Tinto:
I hope nothing horrible has happened to Mister Kilroy. It must be really bad for him to miss a date with Mister Adolf.
"What the-"
Before the "twins" can react, Marty Donovan snatches away their menus, and glares down at his unfortunate support system.
Marty Donovan:
What are you two doing here?
Florida Man & Tinto:
Health inspectors.
Marty Donovan:
You know what? I don't care. I have a very important meeting, and I don't need you two screwing it up for me.
Lowering their heads, the admonished pseudo siblings start to drag their feet towards the exit.
Marty Donovan:
And knock off those Adolf references, you know how sensitive Disney is about Fantasia.
He'll be a company man yet. Shaking his head in frustration, Marty sits back down to wait for Bob Iger. The crestfallen "twins" watch the lonely patron from the sidewalk.
Florida Man:
Dang. Looks like Kill Roy stabbed Marty in the back for a change. What a dick.
Tinto:
I don't understand, did Hayley Mills lie to us?
Florida Man:
Nah, there is a whole second part of the Trap. Apparently Marty is already engaged to someone new, but his new squeeze is a gold digger, so we're completely morally justified when we break them up.
Tinto:
Paving the way for Mister Kilroy to slide in and renew his Mischief Express vows?
Florida Man:
Diggity DANG right! Now in the film the new partner HATES camping, so we have to go on a camping trip. Get Ollie to force Marty to take you-
Tinto:
On it, bro!
A skip in his devious step, the little boy charges off into the night without further instructions. Walking across the street, Florida Man leans against a wall - still watching his exhausted tag partner. After a few beats, the scaly mask turns to acknowledge the camera.
Florida Man:
I hear ya... did shooting nail guns up in the air, then catching thirty of them in the noggin leave me with permanent brain damage? WHY would I want to reunite my BEST FRIEND with one of my least favourite people? Am I only doing it to torture Kill Roy's former manager Lil' Corny, proving that for all the strap matches, EVANS isn't even the hero of his own story? I gots my reasons...
For example... this here gator has a lot of VICES. You name it, and I'm probably doing it on the regular. Addictive personality, feel me? Only for all the booze, pills, gambling, pica, paraphilia, scheming, misadventures and generally awesome kicks... the one thing I constant CRAVE... the ONE THING I can't get enough of in this entire Hardkore world... is watching my boi, Marty, stab that lousy Kill Roy in the back. It's beautiful! We all know it is coming, but we all still act surprised! MAGICAL. I can't get enough of it! I don't want to live in a world where I'll never experience the PURE JOY of Marty throwing his underachieving partner under the bus. THAT is my happy place. So I hope the Mischief Express runs again, just so the Epcot Mafia can derail it!
Betrayed again? Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Kill Roy... you seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that it was the PHILTHY ANIMALS that cost you your strap? NAAAAAAH! Phil got the boys together to end your career, when it comes to MY WORLD TITLE... I beat you. Simple as that. I had the OPTION to pin you for the three count, but I decided it would be funnier if your pal, Marty, beat you within an inch of your life. ...And it was that funny, damn near wet my pants busting a gut on live television. Only downside to my amusing myself? You think we got some unfinished business? We don't. I'm the better Florida Man, what more is there? Rehashing my superiority is just gonna have you brutalized in ultraviolent fashion......... which we've established is like Christmas to me, so let's knock you out one more time! If you want me to make it OFFICIAL... I'll be happy to oblige. HELL, you may find that Andrew Karnage joins our outfit this time. It could happen... you ain't exactly a great judge of character.
Nah, you don't pick loyal partners. ...Case in point, the origin of our conflict. ....Don't act like you're the injured party. Nothing could be further from the truth! You started this, Kill Roy. I'm an outsider who simple wanted an HKW's announcer to read the dang cue cards, and you all have a great laugh at my expense. You stood up for Greg Jin's unprofessional announcing, like where's a Valentine when you need one, and did it in a way that cost me a match to JOE NOBODY. I could skin you alive, and we still wouldn't be even for that dang indignity, Kill Roy. So... yeah, Greg Jin. Was it worth it? "Standing up to a bully is always worth it." I wasn't bullying nothing, just requesting certain things be said during my entrance... like any other wrestler in this HardKore World. You tried to make an example of me to help Greg out... for NO reason... so I ask you... did you hear any concern in Greg's voice when AVB, Marty and me were pounding your head like a drum? Did Greg sound sad when he announced "YOUR NEW WORLD CHAMPION, FLORIDA MAN!" .......yeah, me neither. Sounded almost happy. ...You sure can pick your friends, Kill Roy.
But what is your friendship worth?
Lil' Corny was your friend, and look at the dubious characters you let him hang out with. No heart at all, Kill Roy. YEAH, The Mischief Express dissolved. Marty Donovan turned on you... and right now, as we get strapped together... you sound more broken up about losing the world title than losing your friend.
Check your priorities, Kill Roy.
I won the world title... didn't steal it... won it...
But the real prize? Not the world title, but MY dear friend, Marty.
THAT should be why you resent me. THAT should be why you're hurt... not the near death beating, or lost strap, but the lack of flowers for your half dead ass in the hospital. THAT should choke you up. The VOID of only having Karnage and Sheik as buddies. Pathetic. You want to strap me? Do it because MARTY likes me better than you!
Yeah, it isn't just the gold around my waist that makes me the better Florida Man.
...Remember that the next time I send you to hospital and no one visits.
Tiny footsteps hurry along the concrete. Racing towards his long lost brother, Tinto gives him a thumbs up on the Ollie plan. Time for phase two.
Dusk.
Coachella Valley.
Camping.
The serene environment is ruined by the shrill laughter of the twins.
A small blue tent has its flap open, with bare feet sticking out of the entrance. Standing over the feet, the HardKore World champion and the malnourished eight-year-old that has been convinced he's the alligator's twin, attempt to stifle laughter as they pour honey on the exposed extremities. When the jar has finally run out, the nefarious duo run across their campground, hiding behind a red tent.
Tinto:
There is NO way is can fail!
Some bear cubs stumble into the camp, and start wandering towards the honey based feet.
Tinto:
He is gonna freak out, and dump Mister Marty! It will be child's play for Mister Kilroy to pick up a depressed Mister Marty on the rebound, and with the Mischief Express reunited, we can hang out all the time brother! ....I'm sorry the Mischief Express kept us apart.
Florida Man:
Me too, Tinto. Grown-ups are selfish that way.
Marty Donovan:
What are we doing?
Florida Man & Tinto:
Eep.
Having walked up behind the scheming twins, Marty Donovan is waking up with a pot of coffee, which might have a few bottles of whisky in it, depending on how his fake Bob Iger meeting went. Marty does not want to be out in nature, and is only on this camping trip because Ollie is forcing him. He could care less if Florida Man and Tinto set themselves on fire, but doesn't want to be charged by park authorities if they burn anything else down.
Florida Man & Tinto:
Picnic Basket Inspectors.
Marty Donovan (taking a swig of whisky pot):
...whatever.
Too disinterested to care if they burn the valley down, Marty turns back to his tent...
"SON OF A BITCH!"
Marty spins back around in horror, as two bear cubs scamper away from Deacon Oldham's tent. Rather than gnaw off the Dis’ N’ Griz’ members' feet, the bears just licked them. ...apparently not enough, as Deacon is clearly aware of the sticky substance he's tracking all over his tent. The twins laugh and point.
Tinto:
I don't think Mister Deacon likes nature as much as he let on. He might only be in it for the money...
Kicking over his tent, Deacon Oldham starts to load a rifle.
Florida Man:
Those bears are screwed-
Bullet in the chamber, Deacon starts to stomp towards his prey - only instead of going in the direction of the bears, he follows the giggling.
Marty Donovan:
Run you fools!
Oh. Right. Marty, Flo, and Tinto all make a break for it, as Deacon chases after them with buckshot. The lengths Tinto will go to to reunite the Mischief Express. As the trio zig zag to avoid direct hits, Florida Man can't help but be touched that Marty didn't trip him to throw Deacon off the scent. Marty definitely would have tripped Kilroy. Apparently Marty is just a better friend to Florida Man, or Kilroy is an easy victim. Trying to use Tinto as a shield while still running, the HardKore World champion takes time to tease the camera.
Florida Man:
See Kill Roy... REAL friendship... so as far as our TIFF goes... I already won!
Taking some buckshot to the tail, Florida Man hops into the air like a cartoon, before doubling his speed to catch up with Marty. If Donovan trips Florida Man to buy himself some time, the camera cuts away beforehand.
THE EPCOT MAFIA
WERE ACTUALLY IN
THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME