Post by Visit Neom on Apr 2, 2024 16:31:17 GMT -5
LAKE NONA GOLF & COUNTRY CLUB
The shot fades up on Marty Donovan dressed head to toe like a PGA tour member. A golf cart is parked nearby with a flag on the back which reads “KESQ KLIQ”. Sweet Bone Day, The Martian, and Andrew Valentine Junior wait on the green. Donovan taps his foot impatiently. In the background, the top half of Lil Corny’s face rises into frame from a sand bunker. His eyes narrow and then he holds a golf club up like a rifle.
Tinto:
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Killtacular!
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Killtacular!
Marty:
Tinto! Stop goofing around! A faithful caddy needs to stay by the side of his golfer as they make critical decisions about the next shot.
Tinto! Stop goofing around! A faithful caddy needs to stay by the side of his golfer as they make critical decisions about the next shot.
Tinto:
But your ball is down here.
But your ball is down here.
Marty:
That one doesn’t count because the wind was blowing. In those instances it’s common etiquette to then take your next shot on the nearest part of the green.
Tinto:
Not in Mario Golf.
Not in Mario Golf.
Andy:
Wait, have you been cheating this whole time?
Wait, have you been cheating this whole time?
Marty:
I am just testing the boy’s golf IQ. I’m helping him grow as a caddy by intentionally playing bad today. You don’t think a super athlete like myself would actually keep hitting those lateral water hazards.
Sweet Bone Daddy yells an accusation in Japanese.
Marty:
Relax, let's compromise and have me take it from the lip of the bunker. Tinto, hand me my sand wedge.
Confused, the small child empties Marty’s golf bag. Along with the clubs spill out a variety of toys and junk food.
Tinto:
No sandwiches. We got some pizza though.
No sandwiches. We got some pizza though.
Marty:
Tinto! Pick all that crap up! Do you have any idea how strict this place is? I am already worried that the beer cans we’ve been littering with aren’t a nice enough brand.
Marty goes to line up his shot, muttering to himself as Tinto enjoys a slice of sandy pizza. The little orphan picks up a tablet.
Tinto:
Look, Mr. Marty! The card for Palm Spring Punishment is out.
Look, Mr. Marty! The card for Palm Spring Punishment is out.
Marty:
Tinto, be quiet.
Tinto:
But you’re in an iron man match for the West Coast championship.
Marty scoffs.
Marty:
Right, as if Simon Cruise or Captain Righteous or whoever could even last ten minutes with me.
Marty begins to swing.
But you’re in an iron man match for the West Coast championship.
Marty scoffs.
Marty:
Right, as if Simon Cruise or Captain Righteous or whoever could even last ten minutes with me.
Marty begins to swing.
Tinto:
No, it's your buddy, the Great Syberus!
Marty lets out a scream as he spins around before falling into the sand bunker.
No, it's your buddy, the Great Syberus!
Marty lets out a scream as he spins around before falling into the sand bunker.
Tinto:
Wow, your best hit today! Look at that baby sail! It's going straight to the moon!
Wow, your best hit today! Look at that baby sail! It's going straight to the moon!
The Martian:
That was his club, Tinto.
Tinto:
Oh.
Marty:
Flunkies assemble!
The KESQ Kliq scrambles to help Marty to his feet. He continues to rag doll.
Marty:
No! Carry me!
Confused, the group carries Marty to the cart.
Oh.
Marty:
Flunkies assemble!
The KESQ Kliq scrambles to help Marty to his feet. He continues to rag doll.
Marty:
No! Carry me!
Confused, the group carries Marty to the cart.
Andy:
What’s wrong?
Marty:
Did you not hear the boy? I have to last an hour against a Tommy! Do you have any idea how long 60 minutes is with Syberus? That’s 12 headlocks!
What’s wrong?
Marty:
Did you not hear the boy? I have to last an hour against a Tommy! Do you have any idea how long 60 minutes is with Syberus? That’s 12 headlocks!
The Martian:
I don’t understand the problem.
Marty:
The problem is you morons have me out here in the scorching heat using my legs for the Bataan death march! I can’t waste my energy with walking!
I don’t understand the problem.
Marty:
The problem is you morons have me out here in the scorching heat using my legs for the Bataan death march! I can’t waste my energy with walking!
Andy:
But we have a cart.
Marty:
Call off the game. Get me to some air conditioning before we all reenact the end of Raiders!
But we have a cart.
Marty:
Call off the game. Get me to some air conditioning before we all reenact the end of Raiders!
Andy:
We’re on the 18th hole. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Marty:
A Valentine would say that. Did old Jonnie have you weasel into my good graces? Suggest Marty golf on the surface of the sun, so his precious Syberus can be gifted the Sheikh strap?
Marty’s cell phone rings.
Marty:
Thank goodness, it’s Olivia. I need her sweet, treasure state loving in these trying times.
We’re on the 18th hole. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Marty:
A Valentine would say that. Did old Jonnie have you weasel into my good graces? Suggest Marty golf on the surface of the sun, so his precious Syberus can be gifted the Sheikh strap?
Marty’s cell phone rings.
Marty:
Thank goodness, it’s Olivia. I need her sweet, treasure state loving in these trying times.
Andy:
I thought you were saving your strength. Haven’t you ever seen Rocky? Women weaken legs.
Terrified, Marty answers the phone.
Marty:
Sorry, but Andy said I have to break up with you. Andy Valentine. You know him. From the time everybody went to Outback. He does…lighting? Relax, it's just a temporary pause until the next show. No! This is not a Natalie Burrows thing. It's Syberus related, like all of my character flaws. Look, I need to rest. I’ll have Andy iron out the details.
Marty tosses the phone to a startled Andy, who tries to get a word in with the yelling woman. Marty tries to calm himself.
Marty:
Breath. You’re not going to lose to Syberus. This isn’t 2006 anymore. You were just voted wrestler of the year while he slid down the card towards the Littlehorse League. It’s 2024. There’s no difference between a Haven and Cornwall now.
Marty looks up inspired.
Marty:
Martian, go call the Salford Squid. He's a perfect wish.com Syberus. Offer him 100 grand to come train with me… in US dollars or Nados gift cards.
The Martian runs off to make the call. Marty takes a beer out of a cooler, but then thinks twice of it.
Marty:
No, those are just empty calories. Tinto, run down to Lake Nona and fill my golf bag with some refreshing swamp water.
I thought you were saving your strength. Haven’t you ever seen Rocky? Women weaken legs.
Terrified, Marty answers the phone.
Marty:
Sorry, but Andy said I have to break up with you. Andy Valentine. You know him. From the time everybody went to Outback. He does…lighting? Relax, it's just a temporary pause until the next show. No! This is not a Natalie Burrows thing. It's Syberus related, like all of my character flaws. Look, I need to rest. I’ll have Andy iron out the details.
Marty tosses the phone to a startled Andy, who tries to get a word in with the yelling woman. Marty tries to calm himself.
Marty:
Breath. You’re not going to lose to Syberus. This isn’t 2006 anymore. You were just voted wrestler of the year while he slid down the card towards the Littlehorse League. It’s 2024. There’s no difference between a Haven and Cornwall now.
Marty looks up inspired.
Marty:
Martian, go call the Salford Squid. He's a perfect wish.com Syberus. Offer him 100 grand to come train with me… in US dollars or Nados gift cards.
The Martian runs off to make the call. Marty takes a beer out of a cooler, but then thinks twice of it.
Marty:
No, those are just empty calories. Tinto, run down to Lake Nona and fill my golf bag with some refreshing swamp water.
Tinto:
Snap out of it, Mr. Marty! So what if Syberus is a five time world champion that beat you in three straight title matches. That doesn’t matter.
Marty:
Why?
Snap out of it, Mr. Marty! So what if Syberus is a five time world champion that beat you in three straight title matches. That doesn’t matter.
Marty:
Why?
Tinto:
Because you can just ask your friend Wesley Crane to help you win again.
Marty:
Wes isn’t my friend anymore!
Because you can just ask your friend Wesley Crane to help you win again.
Marty:
Wes isn’t my friend anymore!
Tinto:
Oh. Well, try to lose by just a pinfall or two. Don’t let it get embarrassing.
Marty looks off into the distance, deep in thought.
Marty:
I know what has to be done.
The shot changes to the Disney World costuming department. Marty walks by with a giant box as a security guard approaches him.
Oh. Well, try to lose by just a pinfall or two. Don’t let it get embarrassing.
Marty looks off into the distance, deep in thought.
Marty:
I know what has to be done.
The shot changes to the Disney World costuming department. Marty walks by with a giant box as a security guard approaches him.
Security Guard:
Excuse me, sir. I’m going to need to see your badge.
Marty:
You don’t recognize me?
The guard shakes his head no. Marty grins.
Marty:
I am Iron Man.
Excuse me, sir. I’m going to need to see your badge.
Marty:
You don’t recognize me?
The guard shakes his head no. Marty grins.
Marty:
I am Iron Man.