Post by Syberus on Apr 3, 2024 6:39:14 GMT -5
[The camera opens on Syberus walking down the street, carrying Marty Donovan's severed head.]
Woman passing by: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Syberus: Relax it's a replica, we're just doing a bit. Or is it?!? OOGABOOGABOOGA!!
[He waves the head after her and flecks fake blood everywhere, she runs off screaming and presumably traumatised long term. Syberus looks down at the Marty head and shrugs, tossing it on the floor and kicking it along the street like a football as he walks.]
Syberus: Marty, the last time we met in that ring you committed the most heinous of crimes. You put effort and determination into beating me and took away my Hardkore World title, instead of being rubbish and simply crumbling in submission and making it easy for me like the good old days. This I can never forgive.
What happened to the old Marty Donovan?
I WANT THE OLD MARTY DONOVAN!
The one that chips in half a barely legible sentence 30 minutes before the show airs, if you remembered you had a match at all. The one that was good for a haha or two, but was further away from true championship material than... well, I can't really think of any two points that are further away from each other in all of existence. In fact I believe science dubbed such a phenomenon "the Marty Donovan" between which the entire Universe continues to expand. I'll shuffle through YouTube clips of Brian Cox on Joe Rogan and send you the link when I find it.
[He nutmegs a guy walking past with Martys head, who squeals in disbelief.]
Syberus: I'm going to beat you so hard you'll wish you were not, in fact, being beaten so hard. "This is uncomfortable" you will think as my knuckles impact upon your face. "I wish this sequence of events was not currently unfolding upon my person". But unfold they shall - just like your spine when I plonk you here and there with German Suplexes and such.
Wait, were Germans in my move set? They are now. JUST FOR YOU MARTY.
[Syberus does kick ups with the head and then catches it to talk directly at it. Food coloring or possibly genuine human claret runs down his forearms.]
Syberus: Do you understand, Martholemew? I dub thee unforgiven.
You committed the cardinal sin. You put in genuine effort and you tried hard and you came out the better man like a real person. Why? Why now Marty? Why this place? Why did you change and rob me of my historic Hardkore World title? It could have been a golden age and you robbed me. Nay, you robbed the WORLD.
Marty.
In this Iron Man match, I'm going to do more than just beat you. I'm going to leave you a different person. Both emotionally and, probably when you look in the mirror henceforth. I can't allow you to take another belt from me it's like... it's like... unnatural or some shit. It's perverse. It's against God's almighty plan and any course of science or logic espoused passionately by Neil DeGrasse Tyson on Joe Rogan. Again, I'll link you.
[Police sirens as cars pull up surrounding Syberus, police officers get out and aim their guns hiding behind the car doors as cover. Syberus ignores the shouts to drop the head and continues talking to "Marty".]
Syberus: Marty... you're the worst person that ever lived.
THE WORST MARTY
[He screams, shaking the head.]
Syberus: I HATE YOU
[Tears of anger start to stream down Syberus's face.]
Syberus: YOU COULDN'T JUST HAVE LET ME WIN.
No...
No... you had to be selfish. That's right. Selfish.
[The police officers glance at each other. The Sergeant rubs his eyes in exasperation.]
Sergeant: This guy.
Officer: Sarge?
Sergeant: Diplomatic immunity.
Officer: For real?
[The Sergeant nods and starts dialling his phone.]
Syberus: Selfish people can't be West Coast Heavyweight Champion, Mart. Mart Mart. What kind of image would that set to the children of the West Coast? You need to learn to SHARE. What... what you- you didn't take enough from me when you took the Hardkore World title away? And where's the belt now by the way Marty? Not only did you have the gaul to BEAT ME for the championship - you didn't even have the good graces to take it on a run. You dropped that thing like a bad habit. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON MARTY. A BAD PERSON.
AT YOUR VERY CORE. YOU'RE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING!!!
Sergeant, on the phone: Yeah this diplomatic immunity case, does it extend to tranqs? No? *he covers the phone* take him down.
Syberus: THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYONE WORST THAN YOU MARTY! IN THE ENTIRE SPHERE OF HUMAN HISTORY FROM- ***THUNK***
...
[We reopen on Syberus handcuffed to a table in the interrogation room at the police precinct.]
Syberus: Look I've told you officers, this is just a terrible misunderstanding. I was going through some stuff but...
[He looks whistfully into the distance. One of the officers looks over his shoulder to see what he's looking at.]
Syberus: I'll get there. I'll get there.
Officer: Right... look diplomatic immunity or not we got you on disturbing the public order and simulated murder of a beloved sponsored individual. It's a real charge, you don't need to Google it. Your ass is on the first plane back to Mary Poppins land, Mary Poppins.
[The other officer laughs. That was a good one. A PA pops their head in the door.]
PA: Officer Dunlow, there's a call for you.
Officer: Alright, I gotta take this.
Other Officer: I'll get some fresh coffee. You sit tight uh... Mary Poppins!
[They both crack up as they leave due to the joke being the peak of American humour. We cut to the hallway where Officer Dunlow takes a phone call from one of those wall mounted phones Police stations may still have in 2024 for all I know. What're you the Police station police?]
Officer Dunlow: Dunlow.
Voice: Catch me if you can.
Officer Dunlow: What the- son of a...
[He leaves the phone hanging as a maniacal laugh can be heard on the end. Bursting back into the interrogation room he sees Syberus's chair empty and the handcuffs hanging limply off the table.]
[Cut to outside and "How You Like Me Now" by The Heavy plays as Syberus, now in a policeman's uniform putting on a policeman's hat nods at the driver of a squad car that pulls up and he gets in.]
Syberus *voiceover*: Escaping the police precinct was easy, Marty. The plan was making you think that you'd won.
[The wheels spin before the car departs. Officer Dunlow arrives outside just in time to be covered by the dust cloud.]
Officer Dunlow: AW NUTS.
[He throws a clip board on the floor. The other officer arrives with two coffees and they bump into each other and fall to the ground. Cut to a wry smile inside the car from Syberus as he looks in the mirror at them.]
Syberus *voiceover*: In reality you'd never won, Marty. You've been left empty handed just like you will be at Palm Springs Punishment.
[We cut to a shot of the Police PA we saw earlier opening her desk drawer and seeing an envelope of cash.]
Syberus *voiceover*: The head? Heh. I guess we'll never know if that was your real head, Marty. At least... you'll never know.
[Syberus winks at the camera before getting out of the Police car, taking off the jacket and hat and putting on a construction helmet and climbing aboard a cement truck that then drives in the opposite direction.]
Syberus *voiceover*: You might not see me again, Marty. But I'll be seeing you. At Palm Springs Punishment.
The game starts all over again.
["How You Like Me Now?" reaches the chorus as the cement truck passes into the distance and Dunlow catches the fake police car. He looks around confused as the camera fades.]
Woman passing by: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Syberus: Relax it's a replica, we're just doing a bit. Or is it?!? OOGABOOGABOOGA!!
[He waves the head after her and flecks fake blood everywhere, she runs off screaming and presumably traumatised long term. Syberus looks down at the Marty head and shrugs, tossing it on the floor and kicking it along the street like a football as he walks.]
Syberus: Marty, the last time we met in that ring you committed the most heinous of crimes. You put effort and determination into beating me and took away my Hardkore World title, instead of being rubbish and simply crumbling in submission and making it easy for me like the good old days. This I can never forgive.
What happened to the old Marty Donovan?
I WANT THE OLD MARTY DONOVAN!
The one that chips in half a barely legible sentence 30 minutes before the show airs, if you remembered you had a match at all. The one that was good for a haha or two, but was further away from true championship material than... well, I can't really think of any two points that are further away from each other in all of existence. In fact I believe science dubbed such a phenomenon "the Marty Donovan" between which the entire Universe continues to expand. I'll shuffle through YouTube clips of Brian Cox on Joe Rogan and send you the link when I find it.
[He nutmegs a guy walking past with Martys head, who squeals in disbelief.]
Syberus: I'm going to beat you so hard you'll wish you were not, in fact, being beaten so hard. "This is uncomfortable" you will think as my knuckles impact upon your face. "I wish this sequence of events was not currently unfolding upon my person". But unfold they shall - just like your spine when I plonk you here and there with German Suplexes and such.
Wait, were Germans in my move set? They are now. JUST FOR YOU MARTY.
[Syberus does kick ups with the head and then catches it to talk directly at it. Food coloring or possibly genuine human claret runs down his forearms.]
Syberus: Do you understand, Martholemew? I dub thee unforgiven.
You committed the cardinal sin. You put in genuine effort and you tried hard and you came out the better man like a real person. Why? Why now Marty? Why this place? Why did you change and rob me of my historic Hardkore World title? It could have been a golden age and you robbed me. Nay, you robbed the WORLD.
Marty.
In this Iron Man match, I'm going to do more than just beat you. I'm going to leave you a different person. Both emotionally and, probably when you look in the mirror henceforth. I can't allow you to take another belt from me it's like... it's like... unnatural or some shit. It's perverse. It's against God's almighty plan and any course of science or logic espoused passionately by Neil DeGrasse Tyson on Joe Rogan. Again, I'll link you.
[Police sirens as cars pull up surrounding Syberus, police officers get out and aim their guns hiding behind the car doors as cover. Syberus ignores the shouts to drop the head and continues talking to "Marty".]
Syberus: Marty... you're the worst person that ever lived.
THE WORST MARTY
[He screams, shaking the head.]
Syberus: I HATE YOU
[Tears of anger start to stream down Syberus's face.]
Syberus: YOU COULDN'T JUST HAVE LET ME WIN.
No...
No... you had to be selfish. That's right. Selfish.
[The police officers glance at each other. The Sergeant rubs his eyes in exasperation.]
Sergeant: This guy.
Officer: Sarge?
Sergeant: Diplomatic immunity.
Officer: For real?
[The Sergeant nods and starts dialling his phone.]
Syberus: Selfish people can't be West Coast Heavyweight Champion, Mart. Mart Mart. What kind of image would that set to the children of the West Coast? You need to learn to SHARE. What... what you- you didn't take enough from me when you took the Hardkore World title away? And where's the belt now by the way Marty? Not only did you have the gaul to BEAT ME for the championship - you didn't even have the good graces to take it on a run. You dropped that thing like a bad habit. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON MARTY. A BAD PERSON.
AT YOUR VERY CORE. YOU'RE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING!!!
Sergeant, on the phone: Yeah this diplomatic immunity case, does it extend to tranqs? No? *he covers the phone* take him down.
Syberus: THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYONE WORST THAN YOU MARTY! IN THE ENTIRE SPHERE OF HUMAN HISTORY FROM- ***THUNK***
...
[We reopen on Syberus handcuffed to a table in the interrogation room at the police precinct.]
Syberus: Look I've told you officers, this is just a terrible misunderstanding. I was going through some stuff but...
[He looks whistfully into the distance. One of the officers looks over his shoulder to see what he's looking at.]
Syberus: I'll get there. I'll get there.
Officer: Right... look diplomatic immunity or not we got you on disturbing the public order and simulated murder of a beloved sponsored individual. It's a real charge, you don't need to Google it. Your ass is on the first plane back to Mary Poppins land, Mary Poppins.
[The other officer laughs. That was a good one. A PA pops their head in the door.]
PA: Officer Dunlow, there's a call for you.
Officer: Alright, I gotta take this.
Other Officer: I'll get some fresh coffee. You sit tight uh... Mary Poppins!
[They both crack up as they leave due to the joke being the peak of American humour. We cut to the hallway where Officer Dunlow takes a phone call from one of those wall mounted phones Police stations may still have in 2024 for all I know. What're you the Police station police?]
Officer Dunlow: Dunlow.
Voice: Catch me if you can.
Officer Dunlow: What the- son of a...
[He leaves the phone hanging as a maniacal laugh can be heard on the end. Bursting back into the interrogation room he sees Syberus's chair empty and the handcuffs hanging limply off the table.]
[Cut to outside and "How You Like Me Now" by The Heavy plays as Syberus, now in a policeman's uniform putting on a policeman's hat nods at the driver of a squad car that pulls up and he gets in.]
Syberus *voiceover*: Escaping the police precinct was easy, Marty. The plan was making you think that you'd won.
[The wheels spin before the car departs. Officer Dunlow arrives outside just in time to be covered by the dust cloud.]
Officer Dunlow: AW NUTS.
[He throws a clip board on the floor. The other officer arrives with two coffees and they bump into each other and fall to the ground. Cut to a wry smile inside the car from Syberus as he looks in the mirror at them.]
Syberus *voiceover*: In reality you'd never won, Marty. You've been left empty handed just like you will be at Palm Springs Punishment.
[We cut to a shot of the Police PA we saw earlier opening her desk drawer and seeing an envelope of cash.]
Syberus *voiceover*: The head? Heh. I guess we'll never know if that was your real head, Marty. At least... you'll never know.
[Syberus winks at the camera before getting out of the Police car, taking off the jacket and hat and putting on a construction helmet and climbing aboard a cement truck that then drives in the opposite direction.]
Syberus *voiceover*: You might not see me again, Marty. But I'll be seeing you. At Palm Springs Punishment.
The game starts all over again.
["How You Like Me Now?" reaches the chorus as the cement truck passes into the distance and Dunlow catches the fake police car. He looks around confused as the camera fades.]