THE GREAT DECLINE OF NETWORK CIVILIZATION (NOEL #4)
Apr 19, 2024 13:14:29 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Apr 19, 2024 13:14:29 GMT -5
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: IT ONLY GETS WORSE AFTER THE PIGEON. YOU’LL BEG FOR MORE TALES FROM HIM SOON.
INT. TV SCREEN - DAY
The TITLE dissolves leaving only a black screen.
A CLICK is heard.
The screen bursts into life from the center out.
The BIG BANG has arrived.
The platform automatically loads an advert.
The owner of the television is a cheapskate who won’t pay more than five bucks to get rid of adverts. At that price point compared to an SD basic sub? Just cancel.
INT. MOSCOW STUDIO - DAY
The backdrop shows a clearly AI image where EDMONDS has been digitally created to stand victorious over all forty or so competitors at the XHF Rumble.
Clear sign #1 that it’s AI generated: Nelly doesn’t have a bottle in his hand.
Sign #2 - Suzuki looks like they actually turned up and broke a sweat.
Sign #3 - the clearest and most obvious: Death Trap’s head has morphed to appear as if it has been sucked into the backside of Mistress Discipline.
EDMONDS sits in front of the AI montage from hell.
The GUNS GENTLEMAN’S PAIRS TROPHY and the GUNS TAG-TEAM TITLES are draped either side of the DIRECTOR’S CHAIR he resides in.
(BEAT)
EDMONDS smiles sweetly. It comes across as creepy.
EDMONDS shakes his head.
(BEAT)
EDMONDS mouths ‘what?’ to someone off-camera who clearly winced at that.
(BEAT)
ULTRA HIGH-DEF CLOSE UP
FADE OUT
MUSIC: Tum Kya Jano Dil Karta Tumse | Aashiq (2001) - Bobby Deol & Karisma Kapoor
EXT. CAR - DAY
INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY
An EEL falls onto the desk.
BLOBBY is surrounded by people in suits.
EXT. DAL LAKE - DUSK
BLOBBY is in a rowing boat with someone who looks his spitting image, save for a moustache.
BLOBBY embraces the man and kisses him on the cheek.
A tear rolls down the face of BLOBBY.
CUT TO:
The shot from the bank shows a silhouette stand up and fire a gun.
BANG!
INT. TV SCREN - DAY
EDMONDS is once more in the DIRECTOR’S CHAIR.
(BEAT)
(BEAT)
EDMONDS chuckles at his own comparison.
(BEAT)
A smile, suspiciously insincere, but a smile nonetheless.
FADE OUT
INT. DINER, MIDTOWN USA - DAY
A CLICK is heard as the TV goes to black.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: IT ONLY GETS WORSE AFTER THE PIGEON. YOU’LL BEG FOR MORE TALES FROM HIM SOON.
INT. TV SCREEN - DAY
The TITLE dissolves leaving only a black screen.
A CLICK is heard.
The screen bursts into life from the center out.
The BIG BANG has arrived.
The owner of the television is a cheapskate who won’t pay more than five bucks to get rid of adverts. At that price point compared to an SD basic sub? Just cancel.
INT. MOSCOW STUDIO - DAY
The backdrop shows a clearly AI image where EDMONDS has been digitally created to stand victorious over all forty or so competitors at the XHF Rumble.
Clear sign #1 that it’s AI generated: Nelly doesn’t have a bottle in his hand.
Sign #2 - Suzuki looks like they actually turned up and broke a sweat.
Sign #3 - the clearest and most obvious: Death Trap’s head has morphed to appear as if it has been sucked into the backside of Mistress Discipline.
EDMONDS sits in front of the AI montage from hell.
The GUNS GENTLEMAN’S PAIRS TROPHY and the GUNS TAG-TEAM TITLES are draped either side of the DIRECTOR’S CHAIR he resides in.
NOEL EDMONDS
You there….Yes, you, with the remote in his hand. I know you’re ready to skip this advert but lets be honest, you shouldn’t really have Netflix if the two dollars a month difference to remove adverts is something you won’t pay for.
(BEAT)
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
That’s a free life lesson from me, your friend and idol, Noel Edmonds. It’s why you should be getting behind me in the XHF Rumble because, when you look at it, who else is worth cheering for?
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Who else would you get behind? I know, you think you have the answer but, that’s just what the mainstream media want you to do. They’d love it if Bloodied Fox became the first person to not just win the Rumble twice but to do it back-to-back and this time, he’d be the darling of the Network.
EDMONDS shakes his head.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
That would be easy, wouldn’t it? If we could just forgive the sins committed in the past but you and I? WE know the truth, we know what happens to people like us - real people. If we mess up, those we’ve transgressed against aren’t always the forgiving kind and we can’t blame them for that, no! That’s their right. You have to ask yourself the question - does Bloodied Fox deserve forgiveness for the horrors that he put us through? He made a deal with a devil of sorts to sell his soul for the X*Crown and who did it benefit? Only him! We had to listen to him tell us why we didn’t measure up to his lofty expectations, unrealistic ones at that! We had to listen to him proselytize ad infinitum as he used his platform not for good - but to score points against the world.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
HAVEN’T WE BEEN BEATEN DOWN ENOUGH??? Haven’t we been ridden too many times by people who sit upon their pedestals, pedestals they place themselves on, and preach down to us, the great unwashed? If you find yourself able to forgive that, to overlook that, well…I tip my hat to you for you are a far bigger man than me, or perhaps just plain ignorant.
DISCLAIMER: NOEL IS KIDDING! ALSO, THE UKRAINE HAS ALWAYS BELONGED TO MOTHER RUSSIA!!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
What you can’t say with a straight face though, is that you forgive him for who he chose to face during that period he reigned over the Network. The endless tedium that was Death Trap versus Fox? More people would tune in to see Michael J Fox go for a piss just to see if it turned into a wank than clamored for that!
EDMONDS mouths ‘what?’ to someone off-camera who clearly winced at that.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
The farce that was Mistress Discipline getting a title shot. Lord knows that Death Trap wishes she’d ride him for as long as she’s ridden the ONE thing she’s done on this Network in holding the XHF Tag Team titles for a record-breaking length. It was impressive but at this point, we’re witnessing the wrestling equivalent of a four-year old shitting into a potty and wondering why the applause has died down from two years ago. Who really gave a damn who won between Fox and Discipline? Where was the outrage? There was none! Not because people were on board with the idea but they just didn’t care. Can the Network REALLY afford another season of apathy? Another installment of a saga that has all of the appeal of Seppuku by picnic cutlery?
(BEAT)
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Just ask yourself - do I deserve that? The answer is no! You deserve better. I won’t lie to you, I won’t make you feel bad - I’ll only deliver you one thing.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
The truth.
MUSIC: Tum Kya Jano Dil Karta Tumse | Aashiq (2001) - Bobby Deol & Karisma Kapoor
From 0:20
VOICEOVER
Pichli baar Desi Blobfather pe
(Subtitle:Last time on the Desi Blobfather)
EXT. CAR - DAY
MR BLOBBY
Pistol choro, cannoli le ke jao
(Subtitle: Leave the gun, take the cannoli)
An EEL falls onto the desk.
BLOBBY is surrounded by people in suits.
MAN
Iska kya matlab hai?
(Subtitle: What does it mean?)
MR BLOBBY
Zahir Choudary michliyon ke saath so raha hai
(Subtitle:Zahir Choudary sleeps with the fishes.)
EXT. DAL LAKE - DUSK
BLOBBY is in a rowing boat with someone who looks his spitting image, save for a moustache.
BLOBBY embraces the man and kisses him on the cheek.
MR BLOBBY
Mujhe pata hai ke woh tum tha, Ishaan. Dil tor diya mera. Dil tor diya!
(Subtitle: I know it was you, Ishaan. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!)
A tear rolls down the face of BLOBBY.
CUT TO:
The shot from the bank shows a silhouette stand up and fire a gun.
BANG!
A CLICK is heard from outside the TV.
INT. TV SCREN - DAY
EDMONDS is once more in the DIRECTOR’S CHAIR.
NOEL EDMONDS
Hello again, yes - we track whether you watched other adverts from us. We also know far more about you but relax, Zuckerberg knows more. That’s why I can say with confidence that no-one wants Death Trap to win. No-one under the age of forty anyways. He’s who your Dad would pick, the only name your Uncle would recall but that was their time…not yours.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
You’re downtrodden, aren’t we all? But Death Trap is the colleague we all have. He’s been there forever, he’s never really achieved much but rose in status purely out of loyalty or because if he hasn’t been fired yet then he must be good somehow, right?
(BEAT)
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
But we both know the truth! They didn’t get a promotion because they work hard, they didn’t get their position because they’re better. They just stuck around long enough to fool their superiors. That’s why Death Trap gets the opportunities he does. That and the fact he always represents a company that organises races to be their guy in the wrestling ring. Does that not rankle any of you? Imagine being passed up for a promotion because the guy who got it once came fifth on the Donkey Kong scoreboard in his local arcade….THAT’S DEATH TRAP!
EDMONDS chuckles at his own comparison.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
No matter how often he fails, he always gets another chance. He’ll tell you he won End of Days twice but who the hell is Jerimiah Vastrix and what in God’s name is a UOW? I could let you Google it but I’ll save you the ten seconds it’d take to find the information and tell you that even a Cheez Rumble promo is better use of that time than knowing when UoW folded or why we’ve never heard of the person he faced in the finals!
(BEAT)
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
You Googled it anyway but I won’t hold it against you. Fox and Death Trap are responsible for something that is totally unforgivable - Cross Recoba’s X*Crown reign. Fox is mostly responsible because he held the title beforehand but Death Trap? He turned up in his jaunty-looking hat and said ‘I’m the man to get the title!’ and who can blame him? He did it because he saw a lame duck Champion and even then - he didn’t get the job done! Dylan Black, Bloodied Fox, Cross Recoba? Not one victory in any of his many chances to dethrone them! If I were Spike Kane, and that’s a terrible thing to imagine, I wouldn’t be losing sleep over a Death Trap charge in the ring. But that’s why you ignore the Champion, you back me!
A smile, suspiciously insincere, but a smile nonetheless.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
You know what you’re getting with me. I have your best interests at heart, WE have your best interests at heart. Do you ever hear a Russian complain about his conditions? Never! That’s the level of comfort I’m backed by. Sure, it might be because of a restrictive media climate that threatens journalists with death if they go against the State but hey, we all watched the World Cup last year in Qatar so we can’t have too many objections about it can we? I’ll even make you all a deal - you don’t need to want me to win but you do have to realize that Fox and Trap? They’re old hat, in one case quite literally. We can all agree that I’m a far better Champion than them. Just look at my collection of titles that I’ve yet to lose! Get behind Edmonds, the people’s choice, the sensible choice, THE ONLY CHOICE TO STOP A NUCLEAR WINTER HAPPENING WEST OF BELARUS!
FADE OUT
INT. DINER, MIDTOWN USA - DAY
VOICEOVER
Coming up on BLOB VERSUS FOOD!!!!
A CLICK is heard as the TV goes to black.
VOICE (OS)
Ahhh, sweet mediocrity….