Post by ForeverKuroi on Nov 17, 2017 10:29:30 GMT -5
~And now tonight on Shark Tank, we have a special guest star: Michael Storm - investor. Responsible for several different goods and services behind Square, Playstation VR and Uber. Today, he will join the rest of the sharks to see if these inventions will be worth his time.~
A gentleman walks out. He's dressed business casual, a button down shirt that may or may not have a tie, depending on your idea on what business casual is and if you live in the New York City area or not.
The door opens and the first millionaire-aspiring gentleman is... Michael Clarke Duncan?!
: "Ayo, what up, sharks?! My name is-"
: "We know who you are, Mike. What the hell are you doing he-"
Mark Cuban elbows Storm in the arm.
: "Hey, don't interrupt him."
: "But he-"
: "Shhhh!"
: "My name is Michael Clarke Duncan, and I have to ask all yous. How many of you have fallen yo' ass out of a chair."
: "Kevin, you've done that before, haven't you?"
: "I have! Haha!"
: "Well now that shit's a thing of the past! Me present you..."
Michael Clarke Duncan walks over to a chair-sized object and pulls off the tarp over it, revealing a chair with two pieces of wood, one on each side of the back. They're both attached to hinges.
: "The Octo-Chair!"
The chair has only six legs. Duncan sits down on the chair.
: "So let's say that yo sitting yo black ass onto this chair and then your n[BEEP]ga Darnell is telling you some funny-ass joke and so you lean back on your chair because the joke is so fuckin' funny. But let's say you go TOO far back like this!"
Michael Clarke Duncan leans so far back, but instead of falling back, the two pieces of wood go out and he's saved from the fall.
: "Now as you honkeys be able to guess, this kind of shit can cause a lot of damage. Now as dis chart shows, hospital bills go way the fuck up."
MCD pulls out a chart that looks... like this:
: "But with this bomb-ass shit over here, costs go way down. Like this."
Duncan pulls out a new sign:
: "None of these charts have any information on them; they're just random clip arts of numbers going up or dow-"
: "And now this shit saves people money so we can buy what really matters with it."
Michael Clarke Duncan pulls out one last picture.
: "Now who wants to invest in this business? I be asking fo' $50,000 fo' 10% in my company."
: "So what were your sales last year and projected for this year?"
: "So I actually started this back in May and since then, we be projecting to get like $125,000."
: "A hundred and twenty five thousand dollars!? That's amazing!"
: "Shit. Thanks, dawg! And it was all my idea too!"
: "No, it wasn't! He stole the idea from a guy who tried to invest it to me!"
: "Michael, will you please let the man finish?"
: "No, and no! I'm not going through this monkey dance and let him play you as suckers! I'm out!"
: "Monkey dance? I have to say find this racially insensitive, Michael. Especially from someone who tries so hard to make this world a racially diverse and equal one."
: "I'M NOT BEING RACIST. You know that's not what I meant when I said monkey dance."
: "Good on you, Mr. John for catching this racist ass shit."
As he shakes Daymond's hand, he slips in a coupon for a "Free 3 Piece meal at any Participating KFC restaurant." When he notices this, Daymond John cocks his head to the side.
: "So how much does it cost for you to make the item and how much do you sell it for?"
: "I sell this shit for $75 a chair, and it costs me like $5 to make this because I tend to steal people's chairs and then I hammer two pieces of wood to it."
: "Don't you realize how illegal tha-"
: "That's really economical, and your business is doing well. I will offer you $50,000 for 20% of your company."
: "Actually, I like your product and so I will offer you $50,000 for 20% of your company, but I have connections with Bed Bath and Beyond and Home Depot. I will also market it on QVC and I will make this design of yours go viral."
: "Mr. Duncan, it's a good product, but you have good offers here and I know I can't help you the way they can, so I'm out."
: "It's not even his product!"
: "You know, Mr. Duncan. I like your product but the only stronger feeling I have for the love of your product is the disdain I have for your racist friend so to shut him up, I will offer you $50,000 for 10% of your company."
Michael Clarke Duncan's face brightens up.
: "You got yo' ass a deal!"
Both Daymond John and Michael Clarke Duncan get up, go toward another and hug each other before performing an intricate cultural handshake. We then cut to commercial.
We come back from commercial with Storming mid-sentence.
: "-commercial of my opponent?"
All other sharks: "..."
Pause. The door opens. It's TGK's Furanku Furetcha! He steps in with a smile on his face.
: "Thank you, thank you, grorious judges. The song I wirr be singing today is a Ricky Martin."
Furanku crears his throat.
: "She's into superstitions brack cats and voodoo dorrs.
I feer a premonition that girr's gonna make me farr.
She's into new sensations new kicks in the candle right.
She's got a new addiction for every day and nightu."
: "This isn't American Idol."
: "She'rr make you take your crothes off and go dancing in the rain.
She'rr make you rive her crazy rife but she'rr take away your painu
rike a burret to your brain. COME ON!"
At this point, he's really picking up the heat. Everyone is clapping along. Storm leans in to "Mr. Wonderful" Kevin O'Leary, next to him.
: "Are we really going to do nothing about thi-"
Storm is interrupted as Mr. Wonderful shushes him.
: "..."
: "Upside, inside out she's rivin ra vida roca!
She'rr push and purr you down, rivin ra vida roca!
Her rips are devir red and her skin's the coror mocha!
She wirr wear you out rivin ra vida roca - COME ON!
Rivin Ra vida roca, Come on!
She's rivin ra vida roca!"
Furanku poses and all of the sharks with the exception of Storm lively gives him a standing ovation. After a moment they sit back down. The camera pans to Daymond John.
: "That was a good one, dawg! You get a yes from me, dawg! Good job!"
The camera then switches to Mark Cuban.
: "It's a no from me."
: "What? How can you say no? He did an amazing job! He should be very proud of himself!"
: "He was flat on the notes. He couldn't hit the right notes with a boxing glove!"
: "No, Cuban-San! I have singing sensai! Number one! He come from Ras Angeres!"
: "Well then you need to fire him and get your money back."
Furanku Furetcha hands his head down.
: "Well, sweetie, it's a yes from me! You're going to Hollywood!"
And just like that, Furetcha perks back up. He jumps up and down and goes to Lori Greiner, hugging her. Moments later, he is seen running backstage and toward the camera.
: "I'm going to Horrywood and becoming BIG star!"
We cut to commercial once more:
We cut back from the commercial video. Michael Storm is just face palming and muttering to himself.
: "Michael. We're back on."
: "I know. I don't care. This entire place is crazy."
Pause. The door opens and the next walks in. It's... Randy Angel and Tequila Kitty II!"
: "Herro-I mean... Hello, sharks! My name is Randy Angel and this is Tequila Kitty, II! Say hello, TKII!"
: "Mrow."
: "Sharks, are you tired of picking up after your pets?"
: "My god, yes!"
: "There's a plastic bag, but you still feel the poop through the plastic! Then there's that pooper scooper claw, but we all know that doesn't work. There has to be a better solution, am I right?"
: "Mrow!"
Randy looks down to TKII while scratching his ears.
: "No. They're the ones that are supposed to say 'right!'"
Randy looks up to the sharks.
: "Anyway, we are here to present the Storm x5000 Waste Manager! Named after my good friend, Michael Storm. Hi, Storm!"
He offers a smile to Storm who hangs his head and grits his teeth. Randy doesn't let the refusal to return courtesies bother him.
: "This will revolutionize waste management! It's a simple two-step system!
Step One: You vacuum the poop!
Step Two: Using a projectile system, you shoot the poop into the trash bin!
I would show you how it works, but-"
Tequila Kitty II jumps from Randy's arms and onto the ground. He begins to squat.
: "Proving me wrong, I see! It looks like he does, in fact, have to go."
The camera switches to the disgusted looks on the sharks' faces as TKII is presumably going more than just tinkle. After a moment, the camera switches to Randy picking up the Storm Manager x5000.
: "Now, like I said. It's a two-step system. Step One - you vacuum the poop."
Randy presses a button, activating the vacuum system. He brings it to the poop, and it instantly goes into the system.
: "And then you bring it to the trash bin and -WOAH!"
The system experiences an electrical short. The poop prematurely shoots out. It lands on Michael Storm's face. Storm immediately hangs his mouth agape as he's in a state on shock. The other sharks laugh at him. Storm spits poop out.
: "IT WENT IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!"
: "See, I thought this was a great product. Now I think this is an AMAZING product!"
: "Hey, Daymond. FUCK YOU!"
Mark Cuban stands up.
: "Hey, Michael. Relax. You can't swear on national television."
Storm turns to Cuban and flips him off with both hands.
: "FUCK YOU, MARK."
Storm turns to Mr. Wonderful.
: "FUCK YOU, KEVIN!"
Storm finally turns to Lori.
: "You're a nice and sweet person, Lori, but I'm pissed off so FUCK YOU!"
Storm pulls out a tissue and begins wiping poop from his face.
: "I'm not taking anymore of this shit. I'm out."
: "Haha! I get the pun!"
Before walking off, Storm returns to Mark Cuban's table and pushes it down. It forces the water to fall off and spill onto his lap. Fade out.