: Please welcome to the stage... STEVE AWEEEESOME!
Steve Awesome walks out on stage to a big pop from the GUNS faithful. Awesome waves to the crowd and walks up the podium on the stage. He brought the Golden Gun Award he won earlier for Shit Storm 7: Battle for Poo York.
: Lades and Gentlemen, I have the honor of not only being the first Golden Gun award winner in history, for my performance in
Shit Storm, but I also get to present the award for Miss Golden Gun 2018! How cool is that?!
Crowd cheers.
: Alright alright, let's settle down... and check out
Shit Storm 7: Battle of Poo York this Friday available nationwide on Video on Demand... And here are your nominees for Miss Golden Gun 2018!
MISS GOLDEN GUN 2018
BONNIE JENKINS!
Clip plays of Bonnie sitting at her desk in Mongo's office, typing away. She starts adjusting her bra through her shirt but then notices the camera spying on her. She looks angry and begins to open her mouth to say something but we cut away.
ESMERELDA KANYON!
Clip plays of Esmerelda Kanyon, Chris Kanyon's wife, sitting at Bonnie's desk in Mongo's office, typing away. She starts adjusting her bra through her shirt but then notices the camera spying on her. She looks surprised and begins to open her mouth, "SALSA ATO-" but we cut away.
MONGO IN A BIKINI!
Clip of "Mongo" the intern sitting at Bonnie's desk in Mongo's office, typing away. He starts adjusting his bikini top but then notices the camera spying on him. He looks angry and begins to open his mouth but we cut away.
MAGNUS!
Clip plays of Magnus sitting at Bonnie's desk in Mongo's office, slowly typing "...a....s.....s... hehe." He starts adjusting his shirt but then notices the camera spying on him. He looks angry and begins to open his mouth to say something but we cut away.
MRS GOLDBEAR II!
Clip plays of Goldbear II's mounting and railing into Mrs. Goldbear II on top of Bonnie's desk in Mongo's office. Bonnie is heard screaming in the corner as Mongo comes out of his office completely irate and tries shooing them away. Mongo notices the camera spying on them, he looks even angrier, and begins to the open his mouth but the video pauses and someone draws a dick going into his mouth.
Audience applauses.
: The winner, and 2018's MISS GOLDEN GUN is... ESMERELDA KANYON!
Crowd loudly pops for Esmerelda Kanyon. She smiles and kisses Curtis on the cheek. She gets up and makes her way to the stage to accept the award. Venom briefly takes her seat next to Curtis, and Curtis slips him a money clip of cash. Esmerelda takes to the stage and waves to the crowd. She gives Steve Awesome a hug and is suddenly surrounded by several Golden Guns interns, giving her a dozen roses, a crown made of Golden Guns, and a sash that says "MISS GOLDEN GUN 2018."
: OH THANK YOU THANK YOU! Oh my gosh, this is so wonderrrful! I just want to thank my madre and padre for raising me, gracias gracis. My Catholic God, Curtis's Norse god, gracias gracias! And mi papi! My papi Curtis! He has been my rock, my ocean, my moon, everything. Thank you baby! And you know, you too can be just like Miss Golden Gun if you visit your local Whole Foods and get yourself a jar of Salsa Atomica. It is the perfect salsa for any occasion! The GUN Show! The Super Bowl! Your nephew's bris!
Award music begins to play and drown her out.
: Salsa Atomica is delicious, healthy, slightly spicy, and is still good 3 months past it's experation date! It's great for vegans! Available nation wide!
Esmerelda is escorted off the stage by security and the podium is removed in a haste.
The lights dim again as "Bad Mongo" by Turbonegro kicks off. The crowd starts booing and as soon as "Mongo" walks out, in black trunks and a sparkling red cape, and people begin throwing trash at him. "Mongo" tries to fight off the flying debris with his hands as soda cups and hot dogs begin to litter the ground around him. He runs down to the ring as more debris hit him. He slides into the empty ring and pretends to swim in the trash that is being thrown at him. He stands up and dusts himself off, suddenly becoming more serious as he remembers he's fighting a bear. He goes to his corner and gets on his knees, closes his eyes, and begins to talk to himself.
Mueller: ...Is... Is he praying?
Venom: Pray all you want, Mongo, that won't keep Goldbear II from craving human flesh.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
Venom: Here's the bear of the hour!
Mueller: He's also a Golden Gun award winner!
As "Man with a Harmonica" plays, a crane can be seen behind the rows of people in attendance lifting something from behind the backstage curtain. The crowd waits in anticipation until suddenly a cage is shown at the end of the crane's cable! A cage with Goldbear II inside! Goldbear II begins sniffing towards the crowd, as well as drooling on anything and anyone underneath the cage. "Out of the Black" takes over and the cage begins to move above the crowd and towards the ring. The cage is slowly lowered to one half of the ring and placed gently. Goldbear II sniffs the floor, turns his attention to the ref and "Mongo" and roars at them.
Mueller: Oh this is going to be good.
Venom: Cannot wait! Sorry Mongo!
"MONGO" THE DESTROYER INTERN VS. GOLDBEAR II
The ref slowly and carefully grabs the lock to the cage. He carefully starts to slide the lock out of place. He then carefully begins to the open the cage and then runs away from it. He rings the bell. "Mongo" stands in the corner looking wide-eyed at Goldbear II, he had vastly underestimated how big Goldbear II was coming into this match. Which is weird, he's an actual bear even if he is in a man suit. Goldbear II slowly starts to walk out of the cage, sniffing the mat of the ring. Drool slides out of his mouth at a steady rate, wetting the mat beneath him. He exits the cage and begins sniffing the trash in the ring. He grabs a spilled tray of nachos with his teeth, lays down and begins to lick the plastic tray.
Venom: Oh... God damn it.
Everyone becomes concerned about Goldbear II's distraction, except for Goldbear II who could not give a fuck. He starts devouring the plastic tray itself, looks at "Mongo" eye to eye, but then smells the half eaten hot dog near him. He kinda crawls on his stomach, stretches and reaches out with his tongue, and Goldbear II successfully nabs the nasty hot dog. He scarfs that down really quick, but smells more food. It's roast beef. Somebody brought roast beef and threw it at "Mongo." Goldbear II begins to work his way through the roast beef as "Mongo" slowly moves from the corner, slowly making his way around Goldbear II. He gets closer and closer to Goldbear II, and then begins to rub his back. "Mongo" scratches Goldbear II's back deeper and deeper. Goldbear II's eating roast beef and getting a back rub in the middle of the ring. The referee puts his hands up confused as to what the fuck is going on.
Mueller: What the fuck is going on?
Goldbear II begins to almost purrr, a deep bass rumble can be heard throughout the arena, as he gets calmer and calmer eating his roast beef while "Mongo" rubs his back. "Mongo" begins to rub further and further down... before "Mongo" grabs Goldbear II by the ankle and locks on the ankle lock! "Mongo" begins to violently stretch and ring Goldbear II's ankle! He grits his teeth and pulls more and more, twisting and twisting. He then falls on his back and grabs his legs around Goldbear II's leg, applying the deepest ankle lock in wrestling history! "Mongo" realizes Goldbear II isn't moving much and takes a quick peak at Goldbear II. Goldbear II doesn't even notice what's going on and continues to eat his roast beef.
Venom: Well, it's a start.
Mueller: Who brings a roast beef to a wrestling show??
Kanyon: Has anyone seen my roast beef?
Goldbear II swallows the last of his roast beef and "Mongo" quickly gets off of Goldbear II's hind leg. "Mongo" retreats into the corner as Goldbear II sniffs the ring some more, and the air. And then Goldbear II turns to "Mongo" in the corner and starts roaring at him. "Mongo" puts a finger up to Goldbear II, as if to ask for a second, and he reaches into the front of his pants. He pulls out of a package made out of alumninum foil and begins to unravel it. Goldbear II sniffs towards the package as "Mongo" pulls out a pink salmon! He presents it to Goldbear II, who is noticably excited for it. "Mongo" motions for Goldbear II to sit. Goldbear II sits. "Mongo" motions for Goldbear II to roll over. Goldbear II rolls onto his back. "Mongo" tosses the fish into Goldbear II's mouth and jumps onto Goldbear II's abdomin for a pinfall, 1......2.... Goldbear II rolls over after the fish falls out of his mouth. He lays on top of "Mongo" as he eats the salmon off of the mat. "Mongo" struggles and the ref can't count a pinfall as "Mongo" has found himself on his stomach as well, being crushed by Goldbear II.
Mueller: OH god, that was close.
Venom: Goldbear II needs to focus!
Goldbear II finishes the salmon whole and sniffs around some more. He gets off of "Mongo" and circles around to meet him. "Mongo" rolls onto his back in pain, but then Goldbear II begins to sniff up "Mongo's" feet, and then his legs, before breathing and sniffing heavily into "Mongo's" crotch. "Mongo" puts his hands up and motions for Goldbear II to stop, does the 'wait one second' finger motion again, and reaches into the front of his pants. He pulls out another package made of tin foil! He exposes another fish! It's... It's... Talapia? Goldbear II "RAWR"'s into "Mongo's" face, swats the talapia away with his paw, and then begins to attack "Mongo" vicious and violently. Screaming and yelling can be heard as Goldbear II goes for the throat. Referee looks on in disgust and then motions for the bell.
Venom: OH MY GOD
Mueller: *audibly vomiting*
Venom: We're going to need a mop. A couple mops.
WINNER BY STOPPAGE: GOLDBEAR II!
Our next presenter needs only one reminder for an introduction... He once killed a man with a sword. Ladies and Gentlemen, MAGNUS!
Magnus bursts out onto the stage like Kramer from Seinfield. He looks bewildered at the small audience cheering for him. He nods and waves to them. He walks up to the podium set-up on the stage and pulls out a napkin. He begins to read from the napkin...
Hey all! I'm here to present the next Golden Gun award. One time, I dislocated a finger, and let me tell you... It hurt. Snapping of the limb.. can hurt much worst- worse! It's not like snapping your fingers. At.. At all. Anyways, here are your nominatintions for best snapping of limbs. Thanks.
BEST SNAPPING OF A LIMB
TERRY BRADSHAW!
A clip plays of Terry Bradshaw, at night in a Korean forest, grabbing and twisting an arm attached to body that is difficult to see. "HMMMFRRFFFuck!" It finally snaps off of the body.
GOLDBEAR II!
A clip of five minutes ago plays, Goldbear breaking the arm of "Mongo" with his rage and his giant meaty paws. He then proceeds to begin to rip the arm off whole.
HYPERION!
A clip of Hyperion at a banquet table in the halls of whatever his version of Mt. Olympus is. As he's licking his lips of BBQ sauce, he accidentally knocks over the bottle with a errant motion, spilling BBQ sauce all over the floor. Perfect timing as a servant slips on the BBQ, tries to catch himself before hitting the floor, and instead snaps his arm in half, completely breaking the bone!
"MONGO" IN A BIKINI
Another clip of five minutes ago plays, Goldbear II breaking the arm of "Mongo" with his rage and his giant meaty paws. Goldbear II then proceeds to begin to rip the arm off whole.
ROB ARNOLD
A clip of Rob Arnold wrestling is shown, he applies torque on Jonny Bedlam's arm as Bedlam is tapping out. Rob then snaps the arm, breaking it! He looks at the referee trying to get him off of Bedlam and yells "Fuck off!" He continues to break the arm further on an unconscious Jonny Bedlam.We cut back to Magnus at the podium.
Wow! What a list! The winner and new Golden Gun champion is... not... not me... uh... It's Rob Arnold!
“St. Patrick” by PVRIS starts to play and Rob Arnold walks out on stage. Dressed in a full three piece suit, he has the RWF Title draped over his shoulder. With his free hand he fist bumps both Venom and Mueller doing commentary, before walking to the podium. Magnus looks at the award and looks at Rob Arnold... He hesitates... and then reluctantly hands it over to Rob Arnold. He smirks as the music dies down and he observes the Golden Gun.
: Wow, what a night we’re having here so far. A few weeks ago, James and V asked me if I would come along to be in a GUN Show. I’ll be totally honest I couldn’t wait to be here, I mean come on, I get to see Goldbear II beat the life out of “Mongo” from as close as uncomfortably possible. I’d like to be on record that I sympathise with Goldbear II, I thought he had won the X*Crown, not me, and I would have respected and understood if he had won, and Mongo took that from him. I understand injustice, I understand his want for revenge, and I full support Goldbear II this evening against the tyrannical “Mongo”.
He smirks.
: You know, 2018 just keeps getting better and better. First, I win this and seventeen other world titles. Then, I get recognised as not only being the biggest asshole on the Network. I could have quite happily stopped there, but now, now I get to pick this beauty up. Best snapping of a limb? Man, you have no idea what the means to me. Firstly, I would like to thank the voting committee for selecting my handy work as prestigious enough for this award. Secondly, I’d like to thank Jonny with no h Bedlam for being such a willing participant in having his arm snapped. I mean, he put up a small struggle, but ultimately it felt a little easy. Still, the only thing that matches the enjoyment I had hearing his yelp before passing out is this Golden Gun, what a trophy!
He holds the trophy up, a smug look on his face.
: Now, as much as I like the sound of my own voice, because it means other people aren’t talking crap, I’m going to go back and help further motivate Goldbear II, because we all want to see him at the top of his game, right?
“St Patrick” Plays once again and he walks backstage.
Outside of Venom's gym, Evil-Borg and Heavymetal Boy are still protesting.
WE WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN YOUR AWARD SHOW!
Evil-Borg notices the cameras have made their way outside again. Both him and Heavymetal Borg get up close and personal with the cameras.
WE WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN YOUR AWARD SHOW!
WHOOOOP!
Suddenly a security guard approaches with a fire hose and begins to unleash a powerful stream of water at the Borgs! They all stumble back and struggle with the rushing water being blasted into them.
No mommy, don't do it again, Don't do it again, I'll be a good boy!
Not like this! Curse you Guns and all that you hold dear you...
Evil's voice fades as they get washed further and further way from the arena as the security guard continues to follow with the fire hose. An ambulance speeds by the commotion and makes it's way into the loading dock of the arena to receive their newest patient suffering from a bear attack.