Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on May 4, 2018 11:42:00 GMT -5
**Fade in. [Classified] Mansion. Night.**
Curtis: Holy Hela!
: I believe you said that already.
Curtis: It bared repeating. I see why Anomoly wears the mask and immediately regret this decision.
: Why Mr. President, I will show this is a night you shall never regret! Come in good sir, come in.
*Anomoly’s twin opens the door to his study and Curtis cautiously enters. He looks around as it’s stocked from floor to ceiling with books on all four walls.*
Curtis: Wow, you must be real learned. This is an amazing collection of books.
: Yes, thank you. I have the largest collection of sadomasochism books, a Guinness World Record you know.
Curtis: Well, to each there own. This is a lot of S&M books.
: Oh there not all S&M, there’s also a lot of Blue’s Clues Erotica Fan Fiction. Mostly written by me.
Curtis: …
: Please, have a drink.
*Anomoly’s twin offers Curtis a glass of champagne. Curtis looks around the room.*
Curtis: I think I’ll pass on that. Thank you. So, you’re really Anomoly’s twin brother?
: What? Oh yes… that. Of course of course.
Curtis: I mean, you don’t have a British accent.
: I uh… I learned to lose it. People in America don’t love to spend money on foreigners some times. As you see by my mansion, I have a lot of money. Do you need some?
Curtis: Need some money? No, I have my own mansion. And another house. And a white house. I’m good.
: Oh yes, of course Mr. President. How silly of me. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
Curtis: I—
: Ha-ha.
Curtis: I mean, I haven’t seen Anomoly’s face, I have seen that ugly tattoo on his arm, but not his face. But I feel like it wouldn’t look like …your face. Are you fraternal twins?
: Oh, no no no. We are very much identical I assure you. In fact, I’ll show you! Come. Come.
Curtis: Not with you.
: Excuse me?
Curtis: Oh, you meant follow you, yeah sure.
*Curtis follows Anomoly’s twin out of the study and into a hallway. They pass a life size painting of Anomoly’s twin, lying naked on a bear skin rug. Not the normal way with the butt in the air. No, the… Golbear II way. Very disturbing. Curtis glances at it, and as soon as he realizes it, immediately looks away.*
: I hope you like that painting. I commissioned it from Banksy.
Curtis: It’s… interesting.
: I know he’s known for street art, but he’s an excellent realist painter as well. Not many know that. I can ask him to paint you as well if you wish.
Curtis: I ain’t showing Banksy my taint.
*They continue down the hallway and enter a grand ballroom. It’s pretty empty except for a desk near the entrance. Anomoly’s twin riffles through a drawer in this desk.*
: Ah, here it is!
*Anomoly’s twin pull’s a mask out of the desk and turns away from President Kanyon. He puts on the mask and turns back around.*
: See! Uncanny resemblance!
Curtis: Uhhh…
: I’d show you my sweet maneuvers if I had a ring, but alas it is the one thing my mansion is missing.
Curtis: The one thing? You’re ball room is empty.
: Oh, I have a swell reason for that. If I may, ehem. Mi-mi-mi-miiiiiii!
Curtis: Sorry, are you about to sing?
: Yes.
Curtis: Can I use the restroom first?
: Please do. If you go back into my painting hallway it’s the third door to the left. You’ll see one in the first door to the left as well, but I prefer you to use the third door bathroom.
Curtis: Okay…
*Curtis walks away.*
**Cut.**
*Curtis is in the restroom, washing his hands. Then throwing water in his face.*
Curtis: Holy shit. I knew Anom-O-ly’s family was fucked up. But this is super fucked up. What the fucking fuck is this fucking place? This guy. All of this. Oh man. So fucking weird.
*Curtis splashes more water in his face. He looks over at the camera.*
Curtis: I mean, right? I’m not alone in this, am I?
*The camera nods up and down.*
Curtis: Good good. I mean, I just wanted to know what face I was going to smash in before I smash it in on Monday. That’s all. I thought meeting this twin could help me get more in the zone, but he’s just freaking me out man! I just… I don’t get it! But then, with Anom-O-ly, what is to get, right? He’s bat shit crazy living in his own world anyway! Why should his brother be any different. I don’t think I’m gleaning anything from this visit that’s going to help me beat his ass.
*Curtis dries his hands and his face.*
Curtis: Oh man. Whooooo. This is… I should probably just leave. Let this guy know I’m going to break his brother and then go. I mean, I’m not sure why Anom-O-ly wanted to pick a fight with me. I mean, the wrestling gods put us in a match sure, and we could have just settled it in the ring, but he had to speak up. I don’t even want his belt. But now I do want to smack him around and make him feel the power of Curtis. I want him to know that one day, on the off chance I change my mind, I could use that briefcase to take away one of the two things he holds dear. I say two, but from what I’ve seen, he sure ain’t holding his girlfriend or his daughter in that regard. I’m talking about his belt. The other thing he holds dear, his “streak,” I’m taking that on Monday. Well, time to let his weird ass brother know that, and that I’m out this piece.
*Curtis goes to open the door, but it won’t budge. He jiggles the handle again.*
Curtis: What in the--?
*A green smoke starts to fill the room.*
Curtis: Son of a—
*Curtis pounds on the door, but to no avail, it still won’t budge. Curtis pounds and pounds until his pounding gets slower, and slower still. And then Curtis slumps lifeless against the door. The camera then falls too.*
**Fade out.
Blackness.**
: Wakey wakey, hands off snakey.
*A splash is heard. The camera visuals turn on. The camera sees President Kanyon tied to a chair, face wet, in the middle of the nearly empty ballroom. The camera looks down and we see the camera man is also tied to the chair, except for one arm. Anomoly’s twin approaches Curtis.*
: Hello again Mr. President. Did you really think I didn’t notice the camera man?
Curtis: What is going on?
: Well, I am a collector. I would love to collect my very own president! But first, I need to sing you that song.
*Just then, the ballroom door opens and Paul Smackage enters the room! He runs over to Curtis, checking on him.*
Curtis: Oh thank goodness! Paul, save me!
: Paul’s not here to save you, silly goose! He’s part of my… “book club.”
Curtis: What?
*Dr. Strangelove and Mad Dogg also enter the ballroom.*
Mad Dog: Whoa, why’s Curtis here? A new guy? I mean, or are you, because if not, I don’t know where I am.
: I was just about to sing!
Dr. Strangelove: Ooo, I love this bit.
: You know why my ballroom is so empty? It is so I can throw balls!
Curtis: What?
: Mi-mi-mi-miiiiiii!
Curtis: You guys aren’t serious are you?
: I'm upper, upper class high society,
God's gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
All the social papers say I've got the biggest balls of all!
Curtis: Seriously guys, he’s trying to collect me here!
*The trio just watches on as Anomoly’s twin dances around the empty ballroom, singing creepily. Kinda like this guy:
*
: I've got big balls
I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls, *points to Dr. Strangelove.*
And he's got big balls, *points to Mad Dog.*
Mad Dog & Dr. Strangelove: But we've got the biggest balls of them all!
: And my balls are always bouncing
My ballroom always full
And everybody comes and comes again
If your name is on the guest list
No one can take you higher
Everybody says I've got great balls of fire!
Curtis: Seriously, I’m not tied up on purpose! Help me! Banana! Chocolate Pudding! Purple Monkey Dishwasher! WHAT IS YOUR SAFE WORD!?
: I've got big balls
I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls, *points at Paul.*
And he's got big balls, *points at the Camera man.*
Mad Dog & Dr. Strangelove: But we've got the biggest balls of them all!
*Anomoly’s twin sits on Curtis’ lap.*
: Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure,
They're the balls that I like best. *winks at Curtis.*
And my balls are always bouncing,
To the left and to the right.
It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night.
*Anomoly’s twin leans in to kiss or whisper to Curtis, who knows which, because Curtis headbutts him before anything of the sort can happen. Anomoly’s twin falls back and looks flabbergasted.*
: WHAT THE HELL!? You—you hit me!
Curtis: Fuck yeah I hit you! Why are you guys going along with this?
Dr. Strangelove: It’s not our Wednesday meeting?
Curtis: NO DAMNIT!
: Fine, fine. The ruse is up it seems. You bastard. I am not the twin of Anomoly. Though I do like him. I was hired to capture you Mr. President. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted, as long as you were captured. Thus, we are here.
*Just then, SWAT team bursts through all the windows in the ballroom!*
Jim: Mr. President, we are here to rescue you!
Curtis: About fucking time!
: Ugh! I just had those windows cleaned! I didn’t want to have to do this the hard way, but oh well.
*Not Anomoly’s twin snaps his finger and the doors to the ballroom swing open. Ninja’s fill in.*
Jim: Why’d it have to be ninjas?
*The ninjas charge at the SWAT team, and a ninja knocks over the camera man, sending his camera flying and pointing at the wall. We hear ninja cries and gun shots and punches and kicks that go on for what seem like minutes!
And minutes.
And minutes.
Finally, the camera is picked up and the camera sees Curtis dusting himself off as Secret Service Jim is standing next to him. SWAT seems to have most of the ninjas down and getting handcuffed. Mad Dog, Strangelove, and Paul stand around unharmed. Not Anomoly’s Twin is trying to push away from a SWAT member.*
: Unhand me fool!
Jim: We’ll question this punk and find out who hired him sir. You shouldn’t run off like that!
Curtis: I was fine.
Jim: You were tied to a chair and about to be molested by four men.
Mad Dog: Not me! I don’t do that. Boobs.
Dr. Strangelove: To be fair, we thought he was in on it.
*Paul Smackage gives a thumbs up.*
Curtis: So you think it was my mystery assassin that hired him and not Anom-O-ly?
Jim: Nope. We cased the place before we surrounded the ball room, and the only connection to Anom-o-ly we found was this shirt.
Curtis: Ew.
Jim: Yeah.
*The page runs in.*
Page: Excuse me Mr. President, but Anomoly invited you to a steak dinner when you get to the U.K.
Curtis: Why are you here?
Page: Just to tell you that.
Curtis: I am all Anom-O-ly’d out. Next time I see him, I’m going to BANG! him, so might as well save it for the ring.
*Curtis walks out of the ballroom as the SWAT team continues to clean up.*
**Fade out.**
Curtis: Holy Hela!
: I believe you said that already.Curtis: It bared repeating. I see why Anomoly wears the mask and immediately regret this decision.
: Why Mr. President, I will show this is a night you shall never regret! Come in good sir, come in.*Anomoly’s twin opens the door to his study and Curtis cautiously enters. He looks around as it’s stocked from floor to ceiling with books on all four walls.*
Curtis: Wow, you must be real learned. This is an amazing collection of books.
: Yes, thank you. I have the largest collection of sadomasochism books, a Guinness World Record you know.Curtis: Well, to each there own. This is a lot of S&M books.
: Oh there not all S&M, there’s also a lot of Blue’s Clues Erotica Fan Fiction. Mostly written by me.Curtis: …
: Please, have a drink.*Anomoly’s twin offers Curtis a glass of champagne. Curtis looks around the room.*
Curtis: I think I’ll pass on that. Thank you. So, you’re really Anomoly’s twin brother?
: What? Oh yes… that. Of course of course.Curtis: I mean, you don’t have a British accent.
: I uh… I learned to lose it. People in America don’t love to spend money on foreigners some times. As you see by my mansion, I have a lot of money. Do you need some?Curtis: Need some money? No, I have my own mansion. And another house. And a white house. I’m good.
: Oh yes, of course Mr. President. How silly of me. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.Curtis: I—
: Ha-ha.Curtis: I mean, I haven’t seen Anomoly’s face, I have seen that ugly tattoo on his arm, but not his face. But I feel like it wouldn’t look like …your face. Are you fraternal twins?
: Oh, no no no. We are very much identical I assure you. In fact, I’ll show you! Come. Come.Curtis: Not with you.
: Excuse me?Curtis: Oh, you meant follow you, yeah sure.
*Curtis follows Anomoly’s twin out of the study and into a hallway. They pass a life size painting of Anomoly’s twin, lying naked on a bear skin rug. Not the normal way with the butt in the air. No, the… Golbear II way. Very disturbing. Curtis glances at it, and as soon as he realizes it, immediately looks away.*
: I hope you like that painting. I commissioned it from Banksy.Curtis: It’s… interesting.
: I know he’s known for street art, but he’s an excellent realist painter as well. Not many know that. I can ask him to paint you as well if you wish.Curtis: I ain’t showing Banksy my taint.
*They continue down the hallway and enter a grand ballroom. It’s pretty empty except for a desk near the entrance. Anomoly’s twin riffles through a drawer in this desk.*
: Ah, here it is!*Anomoly’s twin pull’s a mask out of the desk and turns away from President Kanyon. He puts on the mask and turns back around.*
: See! Uncanny resemblance!Curtis: Uhhh…
: I’d show you my sweet maneuvers if I had a ring, but alas it is the one thing my mansion is missing.Curtis: The one thing? You’re ball room is empty.
: Oh, I have a swell reason for that. If I may, ehem. Mi-mi-mi-miiiiiii!Curtis: Sorry, are you about to sing?
: Yes.Curtis: Can I use the restroom first?
: Please do. If you go back into my painting hallway it’s the third door to the left. You’ll see one in the first door to the left as well, but I prefer you to use the third door bathroom.Curtis: Okay…
*Curtis walks away.*
**Cut.**
*Curtis is in the restroom, washing his hands. Then throwing water in his face.*
Curtis: Holy shit. I knew Anom-O-ly’s family was fucked up. But this is super fucked up. What the fucking fuck is this fucking place? This guy. All of this. Oh man. So fucking weird.
*Curtis splashes more water in his face. He looks over at the camera.*
Curtis: I mean, right? I’m not alone in this, am I?
*The camera nods up and down.*
Curtis: Good good. I mean, I just wanted to know what face I was going to smash in before I smash it in on Monday. That’s all. I thought meeting this twin could help me get more in the zone, but he’s just freaking me out man! I just… I don’t get it! But then, with Anom-O-ly, what is to get, right? He’s bat shit crazy living in his own world anyway! Why should his brother be any different. I don’t think I’m gleaning anything from this visit that’s going to help me beat his ass.
*Curtis dries his hands and his face.*
Curtis: Oh man. Whooooo. This is… I should probably just leave. Let this guy know I’m going to break his brother and then go. I mean, I’m not sure why Anom-O-ly wanted to pick a fight with me. I mean, the wrestling gods put us in a match sure, and we could have just settled it in the ring, but he had to speak up. I don’t even want his belt. But now I do want to smack him around and make him feel the power of Curtis. I want him to know that one day, on the off chance I change my mind, I could use that briefcase to take away one of the two things he holds dear. I say two, but from what I’ve seen, he sure ain’t holding his girlfriend or his daughter in that regard. I’m talking about his belt. The other thing he holds dear, his “streak,” I’m taking that on Monday. Well, time to let his weird ass brother know that, and that I’m out this piece.
*Curtis goes to open the door, but it won’t budge. He jiggles the handle again.*
Curtis: What in the--?
*A green smoke starts to fill the room.*
Curtis: Son of a—
*Curtis pounds on the door, but to no avail, it still won’t budge. Curtis pounds and pounds until his pounding gets slower, and slower still. And then Curtis slumps lifeless against the door. The camera then falls too.*
**Fade out.
Blackness.**
: Wakey wakey, hands off snakey.*A splash is heard. The camera visuals turn on. The camera sees President Kanyon tied to a chair, face wet, in the middle of the nearly empty ballroom. The camera looks down and we see the camera man is also tied to the chair, except for one arm. Anomoly’s twin approaches Curtis.*
: Hello again Mr. President. Did you really think I didn’t notice the camera man?Curtis: What is going on?
: Well, I am a collector. I would love to collect my very own president! But first, I need to sing you that song.*Just then, the ballroom door opens and Paul Smackage enters the room! He runs over to Curtis, checking on him.*
Curtis: Oh thank goodness! Paul, save me!
: Paul’s not here to save you, silly goose! He’s part of my… “book club.”Curtis: What?
*Dr. Strangelove and Mad Dogg also enter the ballroom.*
Mad Dog: Whoa, why’s Curtis here? A new guy? I mean, or are you, because if not, I don’t know where I am.
: I was just about to sing!Dr. Strangelove: Ooo, I love this bit.
: You know why my ballroom is so empty? It is so I can throw balls!Curtis: What?
: Mi-mi-mi-miiiiiii!Curtis: You guys aren’t serious are you?
: I'm upper, upper class high society,God's gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
All the social papers say I've got the biggest balls of all!
Curtis: Seriously guys, he’s trying to collect me here!
*The trio just watches on as Anomoly’s twin dances around the empty ballroom, singing creepily. Kinda like this guy:
*
: I've got big ballsI've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls, *points to Dr. Strangelove.*
And he's got big balls, *points to Mad Dog.*
Mad Dog & Dr. Strangelove: But we've got the biggest balls of them all!
: And my balls are always bouncingMy ballroom always full
And everybody comes and comes again
If your name is on the guest list
No one can take you higher
Everybody says I've got great balls of fire!
Curtis: Seriously, I’m not tied up on purpose! Help me! Banana! Chocolate Pudding! Purple Monkey Dishwasher! WHAT IS YOUR SAFE WORD!?
: I've got big ballsI've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls, *points at Paul.*
And he's got big balls, *points at the Camera man.*
Mad Dog & Dr. Strangelove: But we've got the biggest balls of them all!
*Anomoly’s twin sits on Curtis’ lap.*
: Some balls are held for charityAnd some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure,
They're the balls that I like best. *winks at Curtis.*
And my balls are always bouncing,
To the left and to the right.
It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night.
*Anomoly’s twin leans in to kiss or whisper to Curtis, who knows which, because Curtis headbutts him before anything of the sort can happen. Anomoly’s twin falls back and looks flabbergasted.*
: WHAT THE HELL!? You—you hit me!Curtis: Fuck yeah I hit you! Why are you guys going along with this?
Dr. Strangelove: It’s not our Wednesday meeting?
Curtis: NO DAMNIT!
: Fine, fine. The ruse is up it seems. You bastard. I am not the twin of Anomoly. Though I do like him. I was hired to capture you Mr. President. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted, as long as you were captured. Thus, we are here.*Just then, SWAT team bursts through all the windows in the ballroom!*
Jim: Mr. President, we are here to rescue you!
Curtis: About fucking time!
: Ugh! I just had those windows cleaned! I didn’t want to have to do this the hard way, but oh well.*Not Anomoly’s twin snaps his finger and the doors to the ballroom swing open. Ninja’s fill in.*
Jim: Why’d it have to be ninjas?
*The ninjas charge at the SWAT team, and a ninja knocks over the camera man, sending his camera flying and pointing at the wall. We hear ninja cries and gun shots and punches and kicks that go on for what seem like minutes!
And minutes.
And minutes.
Finally, the camera is picked up and the camera sees Curtis dusting himself off as Secret Service Jim is standing next to him. SWAT seems to have most of the ninjas down and getting handcuffed. Mad Dog, Strangelove, and Paul stand around unharmed. Not Anomoly’s Twin is trying to push away from a SWAT member.*
: Unhand me fool!Jim: We’ll question this punk and find out who hired him sir. You shouldn’t run off like that!
Curtis: I was fine.
Jim: You were tied to a chair and about to be molested by four men.
Mad Dog: Not me! I don’t do that. Boobs.
Dr. Strangelove: To be fair, we thought he was in on it.
*Paul Smackage gives a thumbs up.*
Curtis: So you think it was my mystery assassin that hired him and not Anom-O-ly?
Jim: Nope. We cased the place before we surrounded the ball room, and the only connection to Anom-o-ly we found was this shirt.
Curtis: Ew.
Jim: Yeah.
*The page runs in.*
Page: Excuse me Mr. President, but Anomoly invited you to a steak dinner when you get to the U.K.
Curtis: Why are you here?
Page: Just to tell you that.
Curtis: I am all Anom-O-ly’d out. Next time I see him, I’m going to BANG! him, so might as well save it for the ring.
*Curtis walks out of the ballroom as the SWAT team continues to clean up.*
**Fade out.**
