Gun Show IV: Gold Bear Rising LIVE (prerecorded)
May 23, 2018 18:21:04 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, IMMORTALS, and 2 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on May 23, 2018 18:21:04 GMT -5
Dylan: I can’t believe what happened.
Dylan Black and Dackle sit in the back seat of an Uber as they drive to the gym in downtown Atlanta.
Dackle: I know, it was the weirdest set of circumstances.
Dylan: Yeah, I can’t imagine the odds that we’d be stuck in customs so long.
Dackle: Yeah, I had heard Trump had people on edge but so many people lost their shit and slowed everything to a stop. I’ve never been stuck in customs that long.
Dylan: Well at least we made it for the start of the show.
Dackle: We’re here.
The Uber driver pulls over to the side of the road. Dylan punches some buttons on his phone, thanks the driver and steps onto the curb with Dackle following.
Dylan: We made it.
Dylan and Dackle walk to the door of the gym and are stopped.
Doorman: Tickets.
Dylan: We’re talent. We are late because of some unforeseen circumstances at the airport.
Doorman: Names.
Dylan: Dylan Black…
Dackle: Dackle…
Dylan: We’re the Darnkess.
Doorman: Sorry fellas, Darkness has already checked in.
Dylan and Dackle: What?
Doorman: I’m not repeating myself. Either get a ticket or get lost.
Dylan and Dackle turn around and shake their heads.
Dackle: Something weird is going on here.
Dylan: Yes it is. We gotta find a way in.
Dylan’s phone pings.
Dylan: What the hell, that diver gave me 1 star. Said all we did was complain the whole way.
Dackle: We kind of did.
Dylan: Damn it. What next?
Dackle: We get a ticket.
BOOM! Fireworks go off inside the gym and the Gun Show is underway.
Venom: Welcome everybody to the Gun Show. I’m Venom, one half of the XHF Tag Team Champions and I’m here with my partner…
Mueller: James Mueller, the other half of the XHF Tag Team Champions…
Venom: and tonight we bring you the fourth edition of the Gun Show!
Mueller: Let’s get it started right away with “Mongo” and the biggest star WWE has ever forced down our throat, Roman Reigns.”
Turbonegro's opening riffs to "Bad Mongo" begin to echo throughout Venom's gymnasium. Immediately the crowd begins to boo as Mongo's presence is requested via entrance theme at the main stage. Out walks the man himself, THE ACTUAL MONGO THE DESTROYER! No... No wait... It's an intern dressed as Mongo again. This time though, the intern is bigger, stronger, and easily believable better lover than Mongo, or the previous interns except maybe Magnus. It's none other than Marquise Beef! Wearing a Mongo mask, of course.
Mueller: BEEEEEEFFFFF
Venom: Wait, that's not actually Mongo??
"Mongo" struts down the aisle, smirking and eyeing the crowd as he goes. He winks to a couple female fans, stops at the bottom of the ramp, dusts off his chin with his thumb, and then whips his head to face the ring corner. He struts up the steps and steps through the ropes. He puts his arms out for everyone to bask in his stank. Beef smirks as the crowd boos and cheers and doesn't really know what to think, especially with his incoming opponent...
Venom: So how did you pull this off, James?
Mueller: I have connections, my man, and when I make a promise, I always keep it.
Venom: Mmm yeah ok but how did you pull this off?
Mueller: Don't worry about it, Venom.
Venom: But-
Mueller: DOOOOONNNNNN'TTTTTT-
Suddenly blue lights and bright spotlights circle the gym.
DUNNA, DUNNA, dunna, dun DUN, DUNNA! DUNNA! dunna! dun DUN! DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDUUNNNNNNNNNNPOWERSOLONNNNNNNNN
Cole: IT'S... THE BIG DOG!
Roman Reigns steps out from the back curtain, being mooonlit by a giant sign above him that says "ROMAN'S EMPIRE" except instead of fancy LEDs, it's hand painted on plywood. He's pelted with a overwhelming chorus of boos as he enters the gymnasium. He nods his head to the response, as if they're on his side or something. Roman strolls out to the top of the ramp, stops and looks around. He begins to stretch his arms and look's at his superman fist. He then starts walking down the ramp, staring incredulously at the audience and at "Mongo" in the ring. He stops at bottom of the ramp, and just... looks around some more. He then marches up the steps, walks across the apron and climbs a turnbuckle. He then puts both fists in the air to the cheers of the crowd.
Cole: Remember, we're at The GUNS Gymnasium tonight, and the crowd likes to have fun! They're booing when they should be cheering!
Coach: It's Bizarro world!
Venom: Who the fuck are you two?
"Mongo" runs up to Roman's turnbuckle and gives him a hard shove off, sending Roman crashing into the barricade below! The crowd's boos turn to cheers!
Cole: The audacity! The match hasn't even started!
Venom: Can you guys leave?
Mueller grabs a hammer off the announcer's desk and hits the bell, ringing it.
Mueller: Match has started.
"Mongo" glances over to the announcers table, smiles and nods to acknowledge the match has started. The referee shrugs, he can't argue that it's started because he doesn't run this shit. "Mongo" quickly rolls out of the ring after Roman, who's picking himself up. "Mongo" whacks Roman in the back with a big forearm. Roman tries to pinch his shoulder blades together as he reacts in pain. He starts walking away to recover, but "Mongo" grabs him by the back of the pants and pulls him back in. He wraps Roman up with his arms, softly embracing him before blowing into his ear. Roman tries to wave him off before "Mongo" pulls him back and german suplexes Roman into the turnbuckle on the outside!
Cole: WHAT A SICK HUMAN BEING!
Venom: Can we get security out here?
Coach: Haha, wrestling.
Roman rolls around ringside in pain, holding his head. "Mongo" holds his arms out to bask, and then walks over to Roman. He grabs him by the head, gets Roman off the ground and rolls him into the ring. "Mongo" slides in after him and goes for an early pin. 1... KICKOUT by Roman. "Mongo" pushes himself up to his knees and nods. He pulls Roman off the ground with him to their feet. He hits Roman with a stiff european uppercut, nearly knocking Roman off his feet. Roman waves his arms to maintain his balance, and then punches "Mongo" in the head with his first shot at offence. "Mongo" quickly knees Roman in the gut and then follows up with a forearm across the face of Roman. Roman brushes it off, yells, and then slaps "Mongo" in the face. "Mongo" is nearly knocked off his feet as well. "Mongo" goes for another forearm to the face but Roman ducks it and kicks "Mongo" in the stomach. He then grabs him into a chin lock, setting up for a DDT maybe, but "Mongo" pushes him into the ropes. "Mongo" then shoves Roman off of him the opposite way and into the opposite ropes. Roman bounces off, runs back to "Mongo" and goes for an early spear but "Mongo" steps aside and lets Roman hit the mat on his own knees and hands. "Mongo" comes up from behind and gets him into a rear naked choke, trying to lock it in.
Cole: And Roman missed! The big dog going for it all early!
Coach: Now... Explain this to me... DDT... Diamond... Dallas... Titties?
Venom: Where the fuck is security?
Cole: The big dog is in trouble!
"Mongo" tries to get his feet around Roman's waist, nearly getting the choke locked in, but Roman quickly stumbles forward into the ropes, forcing a break. "Mongo" lets go at the ref's request, putting his hands up in the air as if he's doing nothing wrong. Roman starts to get off the ropes but then "Mongo" stomps right into his back! Roman lets out a yelp in pain as the ref starts pushing "Mongo" away from Roman. Roman reaches for his lower back in pain and squirms a bit. The ref comes over to check on him, and again pushes "Mongo" away from Roman as he was closing in. The ref talks to Roman to see if he can continue. Roman gets himself up to his feet, a bit wobbly, but enough to stand. "Mongo" immediately comes over and shivs Roman in the back with his elbow! Roman lets out another yell, but before Roman can go down to the mat, "Mongo" grabs him for a suplex. He raises Roman up above his head for a suplex and drops him into a back breaker over his knee! Roman collapses in pain on the mat. "Mongo" goes for another pin attempt, 1.....2....KICKOUT by Roman!
Cole: Roman in serious trouble!
Venom: I'm going to go hire some security guards.
Coach: Why isn't Roman just hitting Mongo with superman punches? If I was Roman, that's what I would do!
Mueller: This guy is dumb.
"Mongo" raises three fingers to the ref, in disbelief, and then swipes the sweat away from his brow. He mounts on top of Roman, one knee down and the other leg extended out, and he grabs Roman by the hair and then punches him in the head. The ref yells at "Mongo" to get off the hair but "Mongo" ignores him and delivers another punch to the head of Roman, this time busting Roman wide open! The ref pushes "Mongo" off of Roman and yells at him for enough. Roman reaches for the cut on his forehead. The massive gash isn't actually a massive gash, but a small little hole, where a single drop of blood runs down his face. Roman wipes the blood with his hand and looks at his fingers, now slightly pink from the small amount of blood.
Cole: The Big Dog has been busted wide open!
Coach: Why do wrestlers blade themselves?
Mueller: holy shit dude
"Mongo" puts his innocent hands up to the ref who is yelling at him while also putting on medical gloves. Another ref runs down the ramp with a medical bag and immediately comes to Roman's aid. "Mongo" tries to advance on Roman but the ref keeps him away. The other ref, the medical one, starts checking Roman's face with gauze and gets the little drip of blood off of his forehead.
Mueller: What the hell is this?
Cole: You can't honestly expect them to continue this match with this much blood can you?
Mueller: We do it all the time...
Coach: Blood! What is it even made of?!
Venom: Waiting on their drug tests but when they pass they are gonna kick you guys out.
Roman gets cleaned up, vasolined, and gets a little bandage as well. "Mongo" finally is allowed at him as Roman gets back to his feet but is then immediately grabbed by the throat by "Mongo!" "Mongo" goes for his stupid lame finisher, the Lamest Chokeslam by Mongo! Roman slips out of "Mongo's" grasp however, and runs to the ropes away from "Mongo." He comes back and hits "Mongo" with a spear!
Cole: SPEAR! SPEAR!
Coach: OH MAN, WHAT A GORE!
Roman gets to his feet and lets out a roar, OOOOH RRAAAAAHHH. He then gets into the corner and starts jacking off his right arm. As "Mongo" struggles to his feet, Roman punches the mat, roars again, and then runs towards "Mongo." "Mongo" catches him however with a quick chokeslam! Roman bounces hard off his back and "Mongo" drops to pin him, 1....2...KICKOUT! "Mongo" pulls Roman to his feet, only for Roman to break free, jump in the air and hit "Mongo" with a Superman Punch! "Mongo" falls, 1.....2.....3! Roman has overcome the odds, who would've thought.
Cole: THE BIG DOG HAS JUST CLEARED HIS YARD!
Coach: Wait I thought Undertak-
Two security guards grab Cole and Coach and yank them off of the announcers table and through the crowd to kick them out. Roman stands on the turnbuckle, celebrating, before security comes and grabs him too, evicting him from the ring and the gymnasium. "Mongo" rolls out of the ring and gets helped to the back, before security stops him as well, and beings to escort him out of the gymnasium too. The refs try to tell security he's with them, until the refs are then pressured by the security guards to go with them as well to be escorted out of the building. The cameras follow as he's escorted outside and we see Dylan and Dackle as they walk up to the ticket window.
Dylan: Two for the show.
Saleswoman: Sorry dear, but we been sold out for hours.
Dackle: Why are you open then? What kind of operation is this!
Saleswoman: Sir, if you’re going to be rude we will have to have you removed. We are open for will call and people with issues. You two clearly have issues, but not issues I can fix.
The saleswoman closes her window leaving the Darkness standing on the street dumbfounded.
Venom: Now that that's taken care of it looks like it's time for a 'Match' featuring the newest member of the GUNS roster.
Mueller: Is this JFK then?
Venom: Yeah.
Mueller: I'm so excited we discovered how to bring people back from the dead.
Venom: Not that JFK...
We open up with a scenic site of the Atlantic Ocean, it's night time but we can see that it's raining, because it's Florida, and it's always fucking raining. We pan in and see the shot is actually taken from inside the home office of The One JFK. He, sitting at his desk on the south side of the room, he watches through the all glass wall on the east side of the office as lighting cracks in the distance. Boxes piled up on the far side of the room as he hasn't fully settled in to this new living space, moving from Star Island to the coast of Miami has been a tiring but fun move. Before where his view was ruined by high-rises, is now just endless sea. His attention turns as his tall blonde gorgeous wife, Christina Kaos-Karn (looks like Stacy Keibler) walks into the room.
Christina: So, I just got off this phone with Venom's wife...you didn't tell me you were taking on another match so soon.
JFK: Oh yeah, that's coming up soon isn't it?
She just looks at him, not at all happy with her man right now.
JFK: I know I know, I told you I'd be doing limited engagements. But this came up, and well frankly, it's an opportunity to finally settle the score with one of my oldest, fiercest, hardest to over come opponent's ever.
Christina: Who? Steve?
JFK: Haha no I've settled that score.
Christina: Spike Kane?
JFK: No...but just as much of a pain in my ass.
Christina: Wait...really...you are finally going to settle that score?
JFK: Yep.
Christian: But...how? It's kicked your ass for all these years, no matter where you went, what your story was, who you were faceing, it's alway been there to punch you in the face.
JFK: I know, but..I think I have it finally figured out. I've got it narrowed down to four final soultions but, I'm having a hard time commiting.
Christian: Well. Let's see what you have?
JFK nods, and he pulls something up on his computer, then we hear music starting to play over the speakers in the ceiling.
JFK: Ok first one up, this is Hot Water Music's "Jack of All Trades", it's an older song but some of the lyrics I think are fitting.
Christina listens a bit as she's noding her head to the beat. She starts to do some of his entrace manureisems. She gets to the triple beat at 1:09 in.
Christina: Oh, if you could get to the ring in time that'd be a great spot to do something at the buckle. What else you got?
JFK: Ok, well another one by Hot Water Music, but this one is a newer track where that one is from the 90's.
Christina: Kinda like you, fitting.
She shoots him a smile as he puts the track on.
JFK: It's called Complicated, takes a few seconds to kick in.
It does, more upbeat than the last song, she dances to it a bit.
Christina: I could see the pyro rain with this chorus, I like the upbeatness of it more but not sure if it's a "you" track. What else you got?
JFK: OK, next up, I was thinking of actually starting this one at the chrous because I really don't think the first verse is all that relative to me, but the 2nd one more so, I dunno here let me que it up.
Christina: Oh I've always loved this song, but I almost feel like this would be better suit for the group of you guys.
JFK: I think Venom already has that covered for the group. Ok, and the last one.
1 2 3 4! Christina starts doing that dirty white girl dance, you know the one the head swaying back and forth to the rhythm, hair flying back and forth.
Christina: One hand on the bible the other in shit, on the nose but such a you line. Personally this is the one for me. But...this is for the fans just as much as it is for you right? So why not...let them decide so we...
She takes que from the song, and eases down sitting on his lap and wispers something in his ear as she grind dances on his lap.
JFK: That is a spectacular idea, I'll put up a poll after the show and let the fans decide my new theme. GladOS.
~~Yes James?~~
JFK: Kill the security cameras in my office will ya.
The feed cuts as we have the tale-end of Survival of The Sickest by Saliva play's us off.
*We open on Heavymetal Borg and Evil Borg roaming around the locker room in Venom’s gym. Evil is petting something in his arms. It’s hard to see what as there is steam in the locker room from the showers.*
: Yes master, we are well on our way. I have my evil mojo back after beating up those cancer riddled weiners. Sure, we didn’t win the match, but we won back out confidence.
: Woooop!
: While it may have been less than a minute in this primitive time, we were tag team champions. And for vile creatures from …THE AFTERWARD… who control time like it was our bitch, the length of our reign is no matter, but the fact that we held them. And we will hold them again.
: “Well it’s been awhile!”
*Evil continues to pet something as they are walking closer to the camera, revealing it is some sort of white blob.*
: Yes Heavy, we have been here awhile. But the pieces are finally falling into place. With Mecha Gold-bear II by our side, it looks like its time we start making the moves needed to get… THE AFTERWARD… to become the present. Isn’t that right…. Master Whitey!
*The camera is close enough to reveal the white blob to be none other than high ranking Borg mastermind, Whitey the Cat! Well, it is Whitey the Cat, but it’s not a live Whitey the Cat, it looks like Whitey has been stuffed. Because Whitey was a character from ten years ago as a full grown cat and is surely dead by now, so instead of using a different cat, they kept the original. But it matters not to Evil and Heavymetal however as they celebrate their idea.*
: Mua ha ha! MUA HA HA HA HA!
: WOOOOOP-OOOOP!
*The camera then zooms out to reveal Shogun Tron on the other side of the wall, listening in.*
: Oh no… I must report to the others! For the sake of …THE FUTURE!
: What? Who’s there?
*Shogun stands up shocked, then immediately runs away.*
: No matter, no one can stop us!
*Cut back to the arena.*
Venom: It's time for the tag titles
Mueller: This is always my favorite time.
Venom: Only because you love yourself.
Mueller: And.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accessories before the match starts.
Venom: The Champs are HERE.
Mueller: We’ve been here all night.
Venom: Touché.
The lights dim and we wait for the Darkness’ music to hit, but it never does because they are locked outside. In the ring Venom calls for a mic. He’s tossed one and he hands it to Mueller and calls for another and catches one on the fly.
Venom: It looks like our opponents didn’t show up.
Mueller: How dare they. We were so ready to retain, again.
Venom: Well, we’ll still retain, but via forfeit. How bittersweet.
Venom and Mueller chuckle, but they’re laughter is broken up by two figures on the stage. It is the Smashed Pumpkin and Scarecrow, the legendary XHF tag team known as the Dark Parade.
Scarecrow: We had a deal.
Smashed Pumpkin: You broke that deal.
Scarecrow: We know, you said it was an accident, a misspelling, but we don’t care.
Smashed Pumpkin: We had a deal, and now you don’t have opponents, so we’re here to cash in on our deal.
Scarecrow: There will be no retaining by forfeit today.
Venom: Fine, bring it on.
Before Venom can finish his sentence the Dark Parade run and slide into the ring and quickly pounce on Venom and Mueller with double leg take downs. The bell rings and Dark Parade pummel the champions. The Dark Parade get to their feet and taunt the crowd to boos from the pro Guns audience. The ref takes this time to push the two back into their corner and force one of the men out of the ring. After a short discussion Scarecrow stays in the ring as Venom gets to his feet and Mueller rolls to the outside. Scarecrow quickly runs full force at Venom, but he side steps and whips Scarecrow towards the ropes.
Venom: Finally we’re getting started here.
Mueller: This could be tough for the Champs. They weren’t prepared for these guys.
Scarecrow hits the ropes and goes for a clothesline on Venom, but Venom ducks and charges the ropes himself. He bounces off and heads back towards Scarecrow ducks and Venom leaps over and hits the ropes on the other side. Smashed Pumpkin reaches out and tries to hit Venom as he hits the ropes, but Mueller has snuck around that side of the ring and pulls Smashed Pumpkin off the ring apron. Smashed Pumpkin hits face first on the mat and Mueller turns him around and connects with a right hand. Venom hits the ropes and charges at Scarecrow again. Scarecrow lowers his head again, this time Scarecrow catches Venom and tosses him over his head, but Venom lands on his feet and stumbles backwards towards the rope where someone pulls his leg and drops him on his face. Scarecrow quickly begins stomping away at Venom’s head.
Mueller: Is that the Dark Mistress.
Venom: Yes it is. The Dark Parade had a trick up their sleeves and hid their manager in the audience.
The Dark Mistress taunts the crowd on the outside of the ring, but she’s blindsided by Goldbear II from out of nowhere. He shoulder tackles her and she goes flying and Scarecrow sees this from in the ring and stops, scared for the life of his manager. Venom stumbles to his feet and grabs Scarecrow from behind and takes him out with a Scorpion Drop (reverse DDT). With Scarecrow on the ground Venom turns away from Scarecrow, leaps and nails a standing moonsault. He hooks the leg and makes the cover 1, 2, 3.
Winners and STILL XHF Tag Team Champions: The Guns
Mueller: They did it.
Venom: Bah Gawd they did it.
Charlie Velez sits at his desk, his headphones on. His computer has been repaired and his desk replaced. Everything seems normal again. The camera moves from over his shoulder and we see he’s watching a sexual harassment in the workplace video. It is old and outdated like most workplace videos and Velez doesn’t seem happy having to watch this.
Velez: I can’t believe this. This isn’t even how people talk anymore. What was this taken from, an episode of Mad Men.
The next scene rolls. A man walks up, slaps his secretary on the rear and says something obviously offensive and laughs. Velez takes off his headphones and slams them on his desk.
Velez: This isn’t how you sexually harass people. This is ridiculous.
Velez smacks his intercom and yells into it.
Velez: I’m going to need you to book me a camera crew.
Mary: You mean other than the one in there right now?
Velez: Yes, one that can record a new sexual harassment video. I’m going to show this company how you really sexually harass people.
Mary: Uh.
Velez: You know what I mean. Book it.
Velez hits the button again and closes his computer screen.
Venom: Ok, we’re back after our regular visit with Charlie.
Mueller: Both members of our main event have made their way to the ring while we were gone.
Venom: Time to crown the first ever Bear Necessities Champion.
Goldbear II is in the ring with Ken in the Box. Ken’s knees are shaking as they stick out of the bottom of the box. He clearly is not happy he won the battle royal and wishes he was anywhere but here. The ref calls for the bell and Goldbear II pounces on the box and begins shredding away at his opponent. Goldbear II has him on the ground and is rippling away at the box of Ken and Ken taps and we have a winner.
Winner and the first ever Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Venom: He did it.
Mueller: Was there any doubt.
Venom: No.
Confetti falls from the sky and Venom and Mueller roll into the ring and celebrate with Goldbear II as he is handed his shiney new championship. Goldbear II bites the strap of the title away from the ref and stands in the center of the ring. Their celebration is disrupted by a voice over the speakers.
Dylan: You did it, you successfully ducked us.
Dackle: I don’t know how you managed to arrange all that, but we know you did.
Dylan: We can’t prove it, but we know.
Dackle: So we came to your ground and played by your rules. Now be real men and show up to AXW and play by real rules.
Dylan: Anytime you want, we’ll be ready.
Dylan and Dackle toss their mics on the ground at the top of the stage and exit leaving the Guns in the ring with Goldbear II and his new title. Their celebration has been dampened, but they can’t ruin another amazing Gun Show.
Dylan Black and Dackle sit in the back seat of an Uber as they drive to the gym in downtown Atlanta.
Dackle: I know, it was the weirdest set of circumstances.
Dylan: Yeah, I can’t imagine the odds that we’d be stuck in customs so long.
Dackle: Yeah, I had heard Trump had people on edge but so many people lost their shit and slowed everything to a stop. I’ve never been stuck in customs that long.
Dylan: Well at least we made it for the start of the show.
Dackle: We’re here.
The Uber driver pulls over to the side of the road. Dylan punches some buttons on his phone, thanks the driver and steps onto the curb with Dackle following.
Dylan: We made it.
Dylan and Dackle walk to the door of the gym and are stopped.
Doorman: Tickets.
Dylan: We’re talent. We are late because of some unforeseen circumstances at the airport.
Doorman: Names.
Dylan: Dylan Black…
Dackle: Dackle…
Dylan: We’re the Darnkess.
Doorman: Sorry fellas, Darkness has already checked in.
Dylan and Dackle: What?
Doorman: I’m not repeating myself. Either get a ticket or get lost.
Dylan and Dackle turn around and shake their heads.
Dackle: Something weird is going on here.
Dylan: Yes it is. We gotta find a way in.
Dylan’s phone pings.
Dylan: What the hell, that diver gave me 1 star. Said all we did was complain the whole way.
Dackle: We kind of did.
Dylan: Damn it. What next?
Dackle: We get a ticket.
BOOM! Fireworks go off inside the gym and the Gun Show is underway.
Venom: Welcome everybody to the Gun Show. I’m Venom, one half of the XHF Tag Team Champions and I’m here with my partner…
Mueller: James Mueller, the other half of the XHF Tag Team Champions…
Venom: and tonight we bring you the fourth edition of the Gun Show!
Mueller: Let’s get it started right away with “Mongo” and the biggest star WWE has ever forced down our throat, Roman Reigns.”
Turbonegro's opening riffs to "Bad Mongo" begin to echo throughout Venom's gymnasium. Immediately the crowd begins to boo as Mongo's presence is requested via entrance theme at the main stage. Out walks the man himself, THE ACTUAL MONGO THE DESTROYER! No... No wait... It's an intern dressed as Mongo again. This time though, the intern is bigger, stronger, and easily believable better lover than Mongo, or the previous interns except maybe Magnus. It's none other than Marquise Beef! Wearing a Mongo mask, of course.
Mueller: BEEEEEEFFFFF
Venom: Wait, that's not actually Mongo??
"Mongo" struts down the aisle, smirking and eyeing the crowd as he goes. He winks to a couple female fans, stops at the bottom of the ramp, dusts off his chin with his thumb, and then whips his head to face the ring corner. He struts up the steps and steps through the ropes. He puts his arms out for everyone to bask in his stank. Beef smirks as the crowd boos and cheers and doesn't really know what to think, especially with his incoming opponent...
Venom: So how did you pull this off, James?
Mueller: I have connections, my man, and when I make a promise, I always keep it.
Venom: Mmm yeah ok but how did you pull this off?
Mueller: Don't worry about it, Venom.
Venom: But-
Mueller: DOOOOONNNNNN'TTTTTT-
Suddenly blue lights and bright spotlights circle the gym.
DUNNA, DUNNA, dunna, dun DUN, DUNNA! DUNNA! dunna! dun DUN! DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDUUNNNNNNNNNNPOWERSOLONNNNNNNNN
Cole: IT'S... THE BIG DOG!
Roman Reigns steps out from the back curtain, being mooonlit by a giant sign above him that says "ROMAN'S EMPIRE" except instead of fancy LEDs, it's hand painted on plywood. He's pelted with a overwhelming chorus of boos as he enters the gymnasium. He nods his head to the response, as if they're on his side or something. Roman strolls out to the top of the ramp, stops and looks around. He begins to stretch his arms and look's at his superman fist. He then starts walking down the ramp, staring incredulously at the audience and at "Mongo" in the ring. He stops at bottom of the ramp, and just... looks around some more. He then marches up the steps, walks across the apron and climbs a turnbuckle. He then puts both fists in the air to the cheers of the crowd.
Cole: Remember, we're at The GUNS Gymnasium tonight, and the crowd likes to have fun! They're booing when they should be cheering!
Coach: It's Bizarro world!
Venom: Who the fuck are you two?
"Mongo" runs up to Roman's turnbuckle and gives him a hard shove off, sending Roman crashing into the barricade below! The crowd's boos turn to cheers!
Cole: The audacity! The match hasn't even started!
Venom: Can you guys leave?
Mueller grabs a hammer off the announcer's desk and hits the bell, ringing it.
Mueller: Match has started.
"Mongo" glances over to the announcers table, smiles and nods to acknowledge the match has started. The referee shrugs, he can't argue that it's started because he doesn't run this shit. "Mongo" quickly rolls out of the ring after Roman, who's picking himself up. "Mongo" whacks Roman in the back with a big forearm. Roman tries to pinch his shoulder blades together as he reacts in pain. He starts walking away to recover, but "Mongo" grabs him by the back of the pants and pulls him back in. He wraps Roman up with his arms, softly embracing him before blowing into his ear. Roman tries to wave him off before "Mongo" pulls him back and german suplexes Roman into the turnbuckle on the outside!
Cole: WHAT A SICK HUMAN BEING!
Venom: Can we get security out here?
Coach: Haha, wrestling.
Roman rolls around ringside in pain, holding his head. "Mongo" holds his arms out to bask, and then walks over to Roman. He grabs him by the head, gets Roman off the ground and rolls him into the ring. "Mongo" slides in after him and goes for an early pin. 1... KICKOUT by Roman. "Mongo" pushes himself up to his knees and nods. He pulls Roman off the ground with him to their feet. He hits Roman with a stiff european uppercut, nearly knocking Roman off his feet. Roman waves his arms to maintain his balance, and then punches "Mongo" in the head with his first shot at offence. "Mongo" quickly knees Roman in the gut and then follows up with a forearm across the face of Roman. Roman brushes it off, yells, and then slaps "Mongo" in the face. "Mongo" is nearly knocked off his feet as well. "Mongo" goes for another forearm to the face but Roman ducks it and kicks "Mongo" in the stomach. He then grabs him into a chin lock, setting up for a DDT maybe, but "Mongo" pushes him into the ropes. "Mongo" then shoves Roman off of him the opposite way and into the opposite ropes. Roman bounces off, runs back to "Mongo" and goes for an early spear but "Mongo" steps aside and lets Roman hit the mat on his own knees and hands. "Mongo" comes up from behind and gets him into a rear naked choke, trying to lock it in.
Cole: And Roman missed! The big dog going for it all early!
Coach: Now... Explain this to me... DDT... Diamond... Dallas... Titties?
Venom: Where the fuck is security?
Cole: The big dog is in trouble!
"Mongo" tries to get his feet around Roman's waist, nearly getting the choke locked in, but Roman quickly stumbles forward into the ropes, forcing a break. "Mongo" lets go at the ref's request, putting his hands up in the air as if he's doing nothing wrong. Roman starts to get off the ropes but then "Mongo" stomps right into his back! Roman lets out a yelp in pain as the ref starts pushing "Mongo" away from Roman. Roman reaches for his lower back in pain and squirms a bit. The ref comes over to check on him, and again pushes "Mongo" away from Roman as he was closing in. The ref talks to Roman to see if he can continue. Roman gets himself up to his feet, a bit wobbly, but enough to stand. "Mongo" immediately comes over and shivs Roman in the back with his elbow! Roman lets out another yell, but before Roman can go down to the mat, "Mongo" grabs him for a suplex. He raises Roman up above his head for a suplex and drops him into a back breaker over his knee! Roman collapses in pain on the mat. "Mongo" goes for another pin attempt, 1.....2....KICKOUT by Roman!
Cole: Roman in serious trouble!
Venom: I'm going to go hire some security guards.
Coach: Why isn't Roman just hitting Mongo with superman punches? If I was Roman, that's what I would do!
Mueller: This guy is dumb.
"Mongo" raises three fingers to the ref, in disbelief, and then swipes the sweat away from his brow. He mounts on top of Roman, one knee down and the other leg extended out, and he grabs Roman by the hair and then punches him in the head. The ref yells at "Mongo" to get off the hair but "Mongo" ignores him and delivers another punch to the head of Roman, this time busting Roman wide open! The ref pushes "Mongo" off of Roman and yells at him for enough. Roman reaches for the cut on his forehead. The massive gash isn't actually a massive gash, but a small little hole, where a single drop of blood runs down his face. Roman wipes the blood with his hand and looks at his fingers, now slightly pink from the small amount of blood.
Cole: The Big Dog has been busted wide open!
Coach: Why do wrestlers blade themselves?
Mueller: holy shit dude
"Mongo" puts his innocent hands up to the ref who is yelling at him while also putting on medical gloves. Another ref runs down the ramp with a medical bag and immediately comes to Roman's aid. "Mongo" tries to advance on Roman but the ref keeps him away. The other ref, the medical one, starts checking Roman's face with gauze and gets the little drip of blood off of his forehead.
Mueller: What the hell is this?
Cole: You can't honestly expect them to continue this match with this much blood can you?
Mueller: We do it all the time...
Coach: Blood! What is it even made of?!
Venom: Waiting on their drug tests but when they pass they are gonna kick you guys out.
Roman gets cleaned up, vasolined, and gets a little bandage as well. "Mongo" finally is allowed at him as Roman gets back to his feet but is then immediately grabbed by the throat by "Mongo!" "Mongo" goes for his stupid lame finisher, the Lamest Chokeslam by Mongo! Roman slips out of "Mongo's" grasp however, and runs to the ropes away from "Mongo." He comes back and hits "Mongo" with a spear!
Cole: SPEAR! SPEAR!
Coach: OH MAN, WHAT A GORE!
Roman gets to his feet and lets out a roar, OOOOH RRAAAAAHHH. He then gets into the corner and starts jacking off his right arm. As "Mongo" struggles to his feet, Roman punches the mat, roars again, and then runs towards "Mongo." "Mongo" catches him however with a quick chokeslam! Roman bounces hard off his back and "Mongo" drops to pin him, 1....2...KICKOUT! "Mongo" pulls Roman to his feet, only for Roman to break free, jump in the air and hit "Mongo" with a Superman Punch! "Mongo" falls, 1.....2.....3! Roman has overcome the odds, who would've thought.
Cole: THE BIG DOG HAS JUST CLEARED HIS YARD!
Coach: Wait I thought Undertak-
Two security guards grab Cole and Coach and yank them off of the announcers table and through the crowd to kick them out. Roman stands on the turnbuckle, celebrating, before security comes and grabs him too, evicting him from the ring and the gymnasium. "Mongo" rolls out of the ring and gets helped to the back, before security stops him as well, and beings to escort him out of the gymnasium too. The refs try to tell security he's with them, until the refs are then pressured by the security guards to go with them as well to be escorted out of the building. The cameras follow as he's escorted outside and we see Dylan and Dackle as they walk up to the ticket window.
Dylan: Two for the show.
Saleswoman: Sorry dear, but we been sold out for hours.
Dackle: Why are you open then? What kind of operation is this!
Saleswoman: Sir, if you’re going to be rude we will have to have you removed. We are open for will call and people with issues. You two clearly have issues, but not issues I can fix.
The saleswoman closes her window leaving the Darkness standing on the street dumbfounded.
Venom: Now that that's taken care of it looks like it's time for a 'Match' featuring the newest member of the GUNS roster.
Mueller: Is this JFK then?
Venom: Yeah.
Mueller: I'm so excited we discovered how to bring people back from the dead.
Venom: Not that JFK...
We open up with a scenic site of the Atlantic Ocean, it's night time but we can see that it's raining, because it's Florida, and it's always fucking raining. We pan in and see the shot is actually taken from inside the home office of The One JFK. He, sitting at his desk on the south side of the room, he watches through the all glass wall on the east side of the office as lighting cracks in the distance. Boxes piled up on the far side of the room as he hasn't fully settled in to this new living space, moving from Star Island to the coast of Miami has been a tiring but fun move. Before where his view was ruined by high-rises, is now just endless sea. His attention turns as his tall blonde gorgeous wife, Christina Kaos-Karn (looks like Stacy Keibler) walks into the room.
Christina: So, I just got off this phone with Venom's wife...you didn't tell me you were taking on another match so soon.
JFK: Oh yeah, that's coming up soon isn't it?
She just looks at him, not at all happy with her man right now.
JFK: I know I know, I told you I'd be doing limited engagements. But this came up, and well frankly, it's an opportunity to finally settle the score with one of my oldest, fiercest, hardest to over come opponent's ever.
Christina: Who? Steve?
JFK: Haha no I've settled that score.
Christina: Spike Kane?
JFK: No...but just as much of a pain in my ass.
Christina: Wait...really...you are finally going to settle that score?
JFK: Yep.
Christian: But...how? It's kicked your ass for all these years, no matter where you went, what your story was, who you were faceing, it's alway been there to punch you in the face.
JFK: I know, but..I think I have it finally figured out. I've got it narrowed down to four final soultions but, I'm having a hard time commiting.
Christian: Well. Let's see what you have?
JFK nods, and he pulls something up on his computer, then we hear music starting to play over the speakers in the ceiling.
JFK: Ok first one up, this is Hot Water Music's "Jack of All Trades", it's an older song but some of the lyrics I think are fitting.
Christina listens a bit as she's noding her head to the beat. She starts to do some of his entrace manureisems. She gets to the triple beat at 1:09 in.
Christina: Oh, if you could get to the ring in time that'd be a great spot to do something at the buckle. What else you got?
JFK: Ok, well another one by Hot Water Music, but this one is a newer track where that one is from the 90's.
Christina: Kinda like you, fitting.
She shoots him a smile as he puts the track on.
JFK: It's called Complicated, takes a few seconds to kick in.
It does, more upbeat than the last song, she dances to it a bit.
Christina: I could see the pyro rain with this chorus, I like the upbeatness of it more but not sure if it's a "you" track. What else you got?
JFK: OK, next up, I was thinking of actually starting this one at the chrous because I really don't think the first verse is all that relative to me, but the 2nd one more so, I dunno here let me que it up.
Christina: Oh I've always loved this song, but I almost feel like this would be better suit for the group of you guys.
JFK: I think Venom already has that covered for the group. Ok, and the last one.
1 2 3 4! Christina starts doing that dirty white girl dance, you know the one the head swaying back and forth to the rhythm, hair flying back and forth.
Christina: One hand on the bible the other in shit, on the nose but such a you line. Personally this is the one for me. But...this is for the fans just as much as it is for you right? So why not...let them decide so we...
She takes que from the song, and eases down sitting on his lap and wispers something in his ear as she grind dances on his lap.
JFK: That is a spectacular idea, I'll put up a poll after the show and let the fans decide my new theme. GladOS.
~~Yes James?~~
JFK: Kill the security cameras in my office will ya.
The feed cuts as we have the tale-end of Survival of The Sickest by Saliva play's us off.
*We open on Heavymetal Borg and Evil Borg roaming around the locker room in Venom’s gym. Evil is petting something in his arms. It’s hard to see what as there is steam in the locker room from the showers.*
: Yes master, we are well on our way. I have my evil mojo back after beating up those cancer riddled weiners. Sure, we didn’t win the match, but we won back out confidence.
: Woooop!
: While it may have been less than a minute in this primitive time, we were tag team champions. And for vile creatures from …THE AFTERWARD… who control time like it was our bitch, the length of our reign is no matter, but the fact that we held them. And we will hold them again.
: “Well it’s been awhile!”
*Evil continues to pet something as they are walking closer to the camera, revealing it is some sort of white blob.*
: Yes Heavy, we have been here awhile. But the pieces are finally falling into place. With Mecha Gold-bear II by our side, it looks like its time we start making the moves needed to get… THE AFTERWARD… to become the present. Isn’t that right…. Master Whitey!
*The camera is close enough to reveal the white blob to be none other than high ranking Borg mastermind, Whitey the Cat! Well, it is Whitey the Cat, but it’s not a live Whitey the Cat, it looks like Whitey has been stuffed. Because Whitey was a character from ten years ago as a full grown cat and is surely dead by now, so instead of using a different cat, they kept the original. But it matters not to Evil and Heavymetal however as they celebrate their idea.*
: Mua ha ha! MUA HA HA HA HA!
: WOOOOOP-OOOOP!
*The camera then zooms out to reveal Shogun Tron on the other side of the wall, listening in.*
: Oh no… I must report to the others! For the sake of …THE FUTURE!
: What? Who’s there?
*Shogun stands up shocked, then immediately runs away.*
: No matter, no one can stop us!
*Cut back to the arena.*
Venom: It's time for the tag titles
Mueller: This is always my favorite time.
Venom: Only because you love yourself.
Mueller: And.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accessories before the match starts.
Venom: The Champs are HERE.
Mueller: We’ve been here all night.
Venom: Touché.
The lights dim and we wait for the Darkness’ music to hit, but it never does because they are locked outside. In the ring Venom calls for a mic. He’s tossed one and he hands it to Mueller and calls for another and catches one on the fly.
Venom: It looks like our opponents didn’t show up.
Mueller: How dare they. We were so ready to retain, again.
Venom: Well, we’ll still retain, but via forfeit. How bittersweet.
Venom and Mueller chuckle, but they’re laughter is broken up by two figures on the stage. It is the Smashed Pumpkin and Scarecrow, the legendary XHF tag team known as the Dark Parade.
Scarecrow: We had a deal.
Smashed Pumpkin: You broke that deal.
Scarecrow: We know, you said it was an accident, a misspelling, but we don’t care.
Smashed Pumpkin: We had a deal, and now you don’t have opponents, so we’re here to cash in on our deal.
Scarecrow: There will be no retaining by forfeit today.
Venom: Fine, bring it on.
Before Venom can finish his sentence the Dark Parade run and slide into the ring and quickly pounce on Venom and Mueller with double leg take downs. The bell rings and Dark Parade pummel the champions. The Dark Parade get to their feet and taunt the crowd to boos from the pro Guns audience. The ref takes this time to push the two back into their corner and force one of the men out of the ring. After a short discussion Scarecrow stays in the ring as Venom gets to his feet and Mueller rolls to the outside. Scarecrow quickly runs full force at Venom, but he side steps and whips Scarecrow towards the ropes.
Venom: Finally we’re getting started here.
Mueller: This could be tough for the Champs. They weren’t prepared for these guys.
Scarecrow hits the ropes and goes for a clothesline on Venom, but Venom ducks and charges the ropes himself. He bounces off and heads back towards Scarecrow ducks and Venom leaps over and hits the ropes on the other side. Smashed Pumpkin reaches out and tries to hit Venom as he hits the ropes, but Mueller has snuck around that side of the ring and pulls Smashed Pumpkin off the ring apron. Smashed Pumpkin hits face first on the mat and Mueller turns him around and connects with a right hand. Venom hits the ropes and charges at Scarecrow again. Scarecrow lowers his head again, this time Scarecrow catches Venom and tosses him over his head, but Venom lands on his feet and stumbles backwards towards the rope where someone pulls his leg and drops him on his face. Scarecrow quickly begins stomping away at Venom’s head.
Mueller: Is that the Dark Mistress.
Venom: Yes it is. The Dark Parade had a trick up their sleeves and hid their manager in the audience.
The Dark Mistress taunts the crowd on the outside of the ring, but she’s blindsided by Goldbear II from out of nowhere. He shoulder tackles her and she goes flying and Scarecrow sees this from in the ring and stops, scared for the life of his manager. Venom stumbles to his feet and grabs Scarecrow from behind and takes him out with a Scorpion Drop (reverse DDT). With Scarecrow on the ground Venom turns away from Scarecrow, leaps and nails a standing moonsault. He hooks the leg and makes the cover 1, 2, 3.
Winners and STILL XHF Tag Team Champions: The Guns
Mueller: They did it.
Venom: Bah Gawd they did it.
Charlie Velez sits at his desk, his headphones on. His computer has been repaired and his desk replaced. Everything seems normal again. The camera moves from over his shoulder and we see he’s watching a sexual harassment in the workplace video. It is old and outdated like most workplace videos and Velez doesn’t seem happy having to watch this.
Velez: I can’t believe this. This isn’t even how people talk anymore. What was this taken from, an episode of Mad Men.
The next scene rolls. A man walks up, slaps his secretary on the rear and says something obviously offensive and laughs. Velez takes off his headphones and slams them on his desk.
Velez: This isn’t how you sexually harass people. This is ridiculous.
Velez smacks his intercom and yells into it.
Velez: I’m going to need you to book me a camera crew.
Mary: You mean other than the one in there right now?
Velez: Yes, one that can record a new sexual harassment video. I’m going to show this company how you really sexually harass people.
Mary: Uh.
Velez: You know what I mean. Book it.
Velez hits the button again and closes his computer screen.
Venom: Ok, we’re back after our regular visit with Charlie.
Mueller: Both members of our main event have made their way to the ring while we were gone.
Venom: Time to crown the first ever Bear Necessities Champion.
Goldbear II is in the ring with Ken in the Box. Ken’s knees are shaking as they stick out of the bottom of the box. He clearly is not happy he won the battle royal and wishes he was anywhere but here. The ref calls for the bell and Goldbear II pounces on the box and begins shredding away at his opponent. Goldbear II has him on the ground and is rippling away at the box of Ken and Ken taps and we have a winner.
Winner and the first ever Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Venom: He did it.
Mueller: Was there any doubt.
Venom: No.
Confetti falls from the sky and Venom and Mueller roll into the ring and celebrate with Goldbear II as he is handed his shiney new championship. Goldbear II bites the strap of the title away from the ref and stands in the center of the ring. Their celebration is disrupted by a voice over the speakers.
Dylan: You did it, you successfully ducked us.
Dackle: I don’t know how you managed to arrange all that, but we know you did.
Dylan: We can’t prove it, but we know.
Dackle: So we came to your ground and played by your rules. Now be real men and show up to AXW and play by real rules.
Dylan: Anytime you want, we’ll be ready.
Dylan and Dackle toss their mics on the ground at the top of the stage and exit leaving the Guns in the ring with Goldbear II and his new title. Their celebration has been dampened, but they can’t ruin another amazing Gun Show.