Crossover Interview / Seeing the Old Man (ATV RP 2/2)
Jun 13, 2018 17:20:59 GMT -5
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Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Jun 13, 2018 17:20:59 GMT -5
**Fade in. Casa de Kanyon 3.0. Oval Office. Yesterday.**
*We see on those two couches in the middle of the Oval Office, Curtis Kanyon sitting on one, Barbara Walters on the other. Camera crews around them. Obviously a separate camera crew from the AXW camera crew.*
: Mr. President, I'm glad you could sit with me. I have been meaning to talk to you for a while.
: Yeah, this is great. I didn't even know you were still alive. You are alive right? I have had problems seeing dead celebrities in the past.
: Ah yes, from your TGK days.
: Wow! You do do your research, don't you? So I'm assuming you are here to talk about my upcoming match with whoever dares to step up to the Presidential open challenge?
: No, I was going to talk to you about why you picked Ron Gibson to be your vice president. Also, your ban on chewing tobacco. And then there is your thoughts on Foreign Affairs, like what you're doing about North Korea.
: Well that's not fun. I've got the AXW cameras on that side. So I assumed we were talking about wrestling today.
: We told them we were filming first, but they just barged in here.
: Those brits are so un-classy. But what can you do? They’re like racist grandparents or something. Anyway, short answers are because Ron’s my best buddy, chewing tobacco is outlawed because it's gross, and North Korea will stay in line if Un knows what's good for him. Trust me, he does not want to feel… the… BANG!
: Are you threatening to blow them up?
: Blow their minds with how awesome the United States is! Am I right?
*Curtis holds his hand up for a high five, but Barbar just looks at it.*
: Haha. But back to the wrestling stuff, so I’m facing an unknown opponent…
: Wait a minute, we need to clarify this North Korea stuff! There could be some serious repercussions if you are thinking about doing what you are saying!
: Lady, I blocked out this time for us to talk wrestling. Not your political jibber jabber.
*Curtis looks off to the side.*
: Can we replace her with maybe someone else? Maybe a different celebrity? Some sort of crossover superstar. I don't think the Brits even know who Barbara Walters is.
: You can't just--
*Secret Service comes in and takes Barbara out of the Oval Office and we fade as they look for a new interviewer.*
**Fade out.
**Fade in. New Orleans. Swamp Marsh. River Boat. Today.**
*We see a riverboat carrying Curtis Kanyon, Jake Peralta, and Lucifer… Bealzebub? (I don’t know what last name he’s using on the show.) It’s one of those boats with the giant fan on the back. You know the one. Curtis is driving it at a medium pace.*
: You sure you know how to drive this thing?
: Oh, yeah, I’ve had to do this a few times. The old man retired out to these parts a few years ago.
: For some reason, this doesn’t surprise me. How could you let your father retire to a swamp?
: Don’t knock it until you’ve had a Creole Christmas. Boy I tell you what, that sure is a hoot!
: I feel like there should be some banjo music going on.
*Right on cue, we hear…
The gang looks up to see the music coming from a shack in the swamp. A man sits on a rocking chair playing the banjo.*
: What up Pops!
: What a pleasant surprise! Hello m’boy! My how my grandkids have grown!
: What? No Dad, these aren’t my kids, they’re detectives.
: Well, we’re actors that play detectives that your son hired to be detectives even though we told him were not, but the pay is good so we’re doing it anyway.
: Well, at the moment, it’s my only job.
: Sorry bro.
*Papa Kanyon leans in and looks down at the boat.*
: Ah, I was gonna say, Pepito lookin’ a little gay.
: Ha, old people and there insensitive speech.
: Which one of us did you think was Pepito?
*We fade out as the detectives climb off the boat and onto the swamp house.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Casa de Kanyon 3.0. Oval Office. Yesterday.**
*When we fade back in, Curtis Kanyon is sitting on one couch and Gordon Ramsay is sitting on the other.*
Gordon: I don't know what I'm bloody doing here, I'm not a fucking journalist, what the bullshit is going on Mr. President?
: Well, I know you were coming through today on tour, but I need a crossover superstar to interview me about AXW. So Americans and Brits can love it!
: What the fuck is AXW?
: The hottest wrestling promotion in Britain!
: What the fucken’ hell. What I fucken’ know about that? I haven't been back to jolly old England for like, five years!
: Yeah, I understand that. It doesn’t matter. You can just talk to me about AXW because they’ll at least know who you are. So, with little transition, I put out an open challenge, because everyone else was too scared to challenge me. So I'm gonna wait for challenger to appear and show them why they should be scared of me, but also why they need to step up their game and make AXW a better place. Because as I'm sure you heard, AXW lost pretty badly at the Xtraction Blood Money show.
: I just fucken’ told you that I never heard of this piece of shit fed, why would I have heard of this extraction blood thing? What the shit is that even?
: No, that's Xtraction with an X, there's no E in it.
: Ah that's bloody stoopid, what is this the nineties?
: No, but the owner is living in the nineties.
: Alright, well this is blimey stupid, but what is your plan with this open challenge then?
: My plan is to make my challenge acceptor famous. He's going to get the beating of a lifetime, and I will then make him stronger through it. I mean he'll probably be in traction, maybe spend a few weeks in the hospital, but he'll come back stronger.
: Well, I do like that. Fucken little shit bitches is too scared to fight you. You gotta toughen those fucking bitches up.
: See, you get it Gordon! That's why I like the cut of your jib.
: Who you calling a git!
: No, jib! Like the way you think, I think, maybe. Just shut up and keep asking questions.
*Curtis takes a sip of water as we fade out.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. New Orleans. Swamp Marsh. River Boat. Today.**
*Now back at Papa Kanyon’s wooden shack, we are taken into the living room, where Papa Kanyon sits in his recliner. Jake and Lucy sit at the dinner table as Curtis sits on the couch. Jake is taking notes.*
: So Mr. Kanyon.
: Yes?
: Not you Mr. President. Your dad.
: Oh, sorry.
: Mr. Kanyon…senior… we are looking into your late son Chris’ past and we need to know if there is anything or anyone that stands out to you that would have a vendetta against your entire family for anything he did.
: Ha ha ha! Bwa ha ha ha! Hoo-boy. Really? That boy got into more trouble than a bull in a skunk den.
: What does that mean?
: It means he got into a lot of trouble.
: Well then just say that.
: Well, let me think here. Chris got into some trouble on the set of Back to the Future Four. I still got the poster framed up on the wall.
: Let me stop you for a sec Pops. I get the want to go down memory lane here, but today’s viewers won’t get all these old references. So let’s not point to things and just keep it summarized.
: All right, all right. So yes, he really ticked off that shakey fella.
: We already interviewed Michael J. Fox. Didn’t seem he had that big of a grudge.
: Ah, well… hmmm, let me think here. That Rage fella never seemed to like him.
: No, it’s not him, that guy is all talk, no action. Plus, a wrestler would want to settle it in the ring. So we’re pretty sure it’s not Rage or Reeshi or any of those. Oh, Dad, if it helps, we think the person out to get me may be a tranny.
: A what now?
: A transsexual. You know a person born one sex who becomes another?
: I ain’t keepin’ up on what people’s crazy sex things are now. I mean, I lived through the 70’s, you do what makes you happy, I sure did, but I don’t follow what people call there dingys and doo-dads now a-days.
: Okay, let’s look at this another way. Is there anyone you had to run off who may have a few screws loose and came around here to yell at you about Chris?
: I tell you what! That has happened! Oh yeah, this one angry angry woman came by and I take-an’ shooed her away! She was demanding money. Who was it? Oh right, I ‘memba. Terri Campbell!
: …Terri Campbell. Sounds familiar…
: Google says it’s Hardcore Harry’s ex-wife.
: Oh that’s right! Super deep dive! Why would she be here to yell about my brother?
: Dats right! She was hootin’ and hollerin’ about your nephew!
: Nephew? What nephew?
: Oh shoot, I wasn’t suppos’ta tell ya ‘bout that. Damnit! You’re brother never wanted that out on account of it being a {No Means No} baby.
: WHAT!?
*Wow, that got dark quick! Let’s get some levity by going back to that interview. In the Oval office!*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Casa de Kanyon 3.0. Oval Office. Yesterday.**
*We fade back in on the two couches. Curtis and Gordon still talking.*
: So yeah, I’ve always wondered what was the best way to make chocolate chip cookies, thank you for all those tips.
: No problem, very easy to make, but they're hard to make perfect.
: Oh, cameras came back to us!
: Ah, alright. So what the fucken hell is with this fucken shit? Why are you even bothering with making AXW a better place?
: Well, they maybe British, but aside from that, they have potential.
: Hey!
: Oh right, you're one of those. They have a lot of star power in AXW, and as a man who's made tons of money in this business, I know when I see that business can be good. But we got a weird ass anonymous owner, you got inmates running the asylum, and other such things. That's making them leave money on the table. See, I was originally here to win the X*Crown, our networks major title, bigger than any one world title because it is eighteen of them put together. So now that that's no longer in AXW, I'm stuck here, so I’m going to whip these wrestlers into shape. At least until I get another shot at the X*Crown at Night of Champions. Fact of the matter is, this company has two open spots for that match at Night of Champions, and only two people have signed up for the change to get the spots! It’s been open for over a week! The wrestlers here, they don't have confidence in themselves. Which is also obvious from them not challenging me. So I will take it upon myself to make AXW great.
: So you're making AXW great again?
: Nope. I'm making it great for the first time, because of they had the X*Crown, but they weren't using it to its full potential. Rob Arnold totally used this place. I however took the X*Crown to TGK, and I used that there to make shitloads of more money. I knew I had to get it out of AWF because that backwards shithole had no potential after that Horton guy showed up. And as you can see, AWF still sucks. But they were able to beat AXW because these poor bastards here are just roaming around aimlessly, some anonymously, and it needs to change. And I Gordon, I am that change. I'm going to make all AXW feel… the… BANG!
: Bang? Do you say that a lot?
: I say it like BANG! Yes, it's my thing!
: Oh, like how Emeril says BAM?
: Yeah, just like that.
: I think Emeril is a fucking bitch and catch phrases are for pansy ass mother fuckers.
: Fuck you, fuckin’ wiley toothed British dickface!
: Ah ha, that's why you're my favorite president!
: Ha thanks! That's what you're my favorite chef!
*We fade out as they laugh together.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. New Orleans. Swamp Marsh. River Boat. Today.**
*Right back where we left off. Curtis is in shock that he just learned from his father that he has a nephew, and that nephew was more than just an accident.*
: Are you saying my brother {No Means No} Harold Campbell’s ex-wife?
: What! Oh gosh no, my boy would never do that. And to be honest, I think he was on the same side of the fence as your friend there.
: Which one of us is he referring to?
*Jake shrugs.*
: No no, that Terri tramp {No Means No} him. It happens. A lot of people don’t realize it can go the other way, but it can, and did, with your brother.
: I vaguely remember her, I could believe it.
: I tell ya, she take and ravaged that boy a’ mine and made yourself a nephew.
: Well, if it is your nephew, he may now be your niece Mr. President.
: I didn’t think this could get more confusing… okay. I need to find my secret nephew/niece. When did you chase Terri off?
: Now if I recall…I believe it was a few years ago. She didn’t even know your brother had passed. Apparently the kid reached out to her and stirred up memories. You know, she cou’nta kept the child due to her drug and slut problems and all. Chris didn’t want to deal with it, so they adopted it off.
: That sounds like Chris. Well, thanks Pops. This is a good lead. I don’t know how I can find the records, but I’ll do what I can.
: Dude, you’re the president! You can get any file!
: Oh right, that part will be easy, nevermind. We should hit the road Pops, but thanks for the hospitality!
: Wait, that’s it! I thought you would stay for Father’s Day shenanigans.
: Oh right…that’s soon…uh, yeah, of course Pops. I got you…
*Curtis takes out his wallet and riffles through it. He pulls out a slip of paper.*
: …a free coffee from Coffee Bean if you call and do a survey on this paper.
: Boy! My only living son! You dun fergot Father’s Day!
: Sorry Dad, I’m busy being President.
: I didn’t vote for you.
: No one did. Gosh, you’re just as bad as Dave. Fine, we’ll stay and chat some more.
: I like that you’re spending quality family time, but you’re also our ride back Mr. President.
: Ah, don’t get yer panties in a twist Tinkerbell, I’ll make some Gator Stew for us all.
: Ha, it was you!
*We fade out as Papa Kanyon struggles out of his recliner to make some stew. Lucifer and Jake look disgusted.*
**Fade out.**
*We see on those two couches in the middle of the Oval Office, Curtis Kanyon sitting on one, Barbara Walters on the other. Camera crews around them. Obviously a separate camera crew from the AXW camera crew.*
: Mr. President, I'm glad you could sit with me. I have been meaning to talk to you for a while. : Yeah, this is great. I didn't even know you were still alive. You are alive right? I have had problems seeing dead celebrities in the past.: Ah yes, from your TGK days.: Wow! You do do your research, don't you? So I'm assuming you are here to talk about my upcoming match with whoever dares to step up to the Presidential open challenge?: No, I was going to talk to you about why you picked Ron Gibson to be your vice president. Also, your ban on chewing tobacco. And then there is your thoughts on Foreign Affairs, like what you're doing about North Korea. : Well that's not fun. I've got the AXW cameras on that side. So I assumed we were talking about wrestling today.: We told them we were filming first, but they just barged in here. : Those brits are so un-classy. But what can you do? They’re like racist grandparents or something. Anyway, short answers are because Ron’s my best buddy, chewing tobacco is outlawed because it's gross, and North Korea will stay in line if Un knows what's good for him. Trust me, he does not want to feel… the… BANG! : Are you threatening to blow them up? : Blow their minds with how awesome the United States is! Am I right? *Curtis holds his hand up for a high five, but Barbar just looks at it.*
: Haha. But back to the wrestling stuff, so I’m facing an unknown opponent… : Wait a minute, we need to clarify this North Korea stuff! There could be some serious repercussions if you are thinking about doing what you are saying!: Lady, I blocked out this time for us to talk wrestling. Not your political jibber jabber. *Curtis looks off to the side.*
: Can we replace her with maybe someone else? Maybe a different celebrity? Some sort of crossover superstar. I don't think the Brits even know who Barbara Walters is.: You can't just--*Secret Service comes in and takes Barbara out of the Oval Office and we fade as they look for a new interviewer.*
**Fade out.
**Fade in. New Orleans. Swamp Marsh. River Boat. Today.**
*We see a riverboat carrying Curtis Kanyon, Jake Peralta, and Lucifer… Bealzebub? (I don’t know what last name he’s using on the show.) It’s one of those boats with the giant fan on the back. You know the one. Curtis is driving it at a medium pace.*
: You sure you know how to drive this thing?: Oh, yeah, I’ve had to do this a few times. The old man retired out to these parts a few years ago.: For some reason, this doesn’t surprise me. How could you let your father retire to a swamp?: Don’t knock it until you’ve had a Creole Christmas. Boy I tell you what, that sure is a hoot!: I feel like there should be some banjo music going on.*Right on cue, we hear…
The gang looks up to see the music coming from a shack in the swamp. A man sits on a rocking chair playing the banjo.*
: What up Pops!: What a pleasant surprise! Hello m’boy! My how my grandkids have grown!: What? No Dad, these aren’t my kids, they’re detectives.: Well, we’re actors that play detectives that your son hired to be detectives even though we told him were not, but the pay is good so we’re doing it anyway.: Well, at the moment, it’s my only job.: Sorry bro.*Papa Kanyon leans in and looks down at the boat.*
: Ah, I was gonna say, Pepito lookin’ a little gay.: Ha, old people and there insensitive speech.: Which one of us did you think was Pepito?*We fade out as the detectives climb off the boat and onto the swamp house.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Casa de Kanyon 3.0. Oval Office. Yesterday.**
*When we fade back in, Curtis Kanyon is sitting on one couch and Gordon Ramsay is sitting on the other.*
Gordon: I don't know what I'm bloody doing here, I'm not a fucking journalist, what the bullshit is going on Mr. President?
: Well, I know you were coming through today on tour, but I need a crossover superstar to interview me about AXW. So Americans and Brits can love it!: What the fuck is AXW?: The hottest wrestling promotion in Britain!: What the fucken’ hell. What I fucken’ know about that? I haven't been back to jolly old England for like, five years! : Yeah, I understand that. It doesn’t matter. You can just talk to me about AXW because they’ll at least know who you are. So, with little transition, I put out an open challenge, because everyone else was too scared to challenge me. So I'm gonna wait for challenger to appear and show them why they should be scared of me, but also why they need to step up their game and make AXW a better place. Because as I'm sure you heard, AXW lost pretty badly at the Xtraction Blood Money show.: I just fucken’ told you that I never heard of this piece of shit fed, why would I have heard of this extraction blood thing? What the shit is that even? : No, that's Xtraction with an X, there's no E in it.: Ah that's bloody stoopid, what is this the nineties?: No, but the owner is living in the nineties.: Alright, well this is blimey stupid, but what is your plan with this open challenge then?: My plan is to make my challenge acceptor famous. He's going to get the beating of a lifetime, and I will then make him stronger through it. I mean he'll probably be in traction, maybe spend a few weeks in the hospital, but he'll come back stronger.: Well, I do like that. Fucken little shit bitches is too scared to fight you. You gotta toughen those fucking bitches up.: See, you get it Gordon! That's why I like the cut of your jib.: Who you calling a git!: No, jib! Like the way you think, I think, maybe. Just shut up and keep asking questions.*Curtis takes a sip of water as we fade out.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. New Orleans. Swamp Marsh. River Boat. Today.**
*Now back at Papa Kanyon’s wooden shack, we are taken into the living room, where Papa Kanyon sits in his recliner. Jake and Lucy sit at the dinner table as Curtis sits on the couch. Jake is taking notes.*
: So Mr. Kanyon.: Yes?: Not you Mr. President. Your dad.: Oh, sorry.: Mr. Kanyon…senior… we are looking into your late son Chris’ past and we need to know if there is anything or anyone that stands out to you that would have a vendetta against your entire family for anything he did.: Ha ha ha! Bwa ha ha ha! Hoo-boy. Really? That boy got into more trouble than a bull in a skunk den.: What does that mean?: It means he got into a lot of trouble.: Well then just say that.: Well, let me think here. Chris got into some trouble on the set of Back to the Future Four. I still got the poster framed up on the wall.: Let me stop you for a sec Pops. I get the want to go down memory lane here, but today’s viewers won’t get all these old references. So let’s not point to things and just keep it summarized.: All right, all right. So yes, he really ticked off that shakey fella.: We already interviewed Michael J. Fox. Didn’t seem he had that big of a grudge.: Ah, well… hmmm, let me think here. That Rage fella never seemed to like him.: No, it’s not him, that guy is all talk, no action. Plus, a wrestler would want to settle it in the ring. So we’re pretty sure it’s not Rage or Reeshi or any of those. Oh, Dad, if it helps, we think the person out to get me may be a tranny.: A what now?: A transsexual. You know a person born one sex who becomes another?: I ain’t keepin’ up on what people’s crazy sex things are now. I mean, I lived through the 70’s, you do what makes you happy, I sure did, but I don’t follow what people call there dingys and doo-dads now a-days.: Okay, let’s look at this another way. Is there anyone you had to run off who may have a few screws loose and came around here to yell at you about Chris?: I tell you what! That has happened! Oh yeah, this one angry angry woman came by and I take-an’ shooed her away! She was demanding money. Who was it? Oh right, I ‘memba. Terri Campbell!: …Terri Campbell. Sounds familiar…: Google says it’s Hardcore Harry’s ex-wife.: Oh that’s right! Super deep dive! Why would she be here to yell about my brother?: Dats right! She was hootin’ and hollerin’ about your nephew!: Nephew? What nephew?: Oh shoot, I wasn’t suppos’ta tell ya ‘bout that. Damnit! You’re brother never wanted that out on account of it being a {No Means No} baby.: WHAT!?*Wow, that got dark quick! Let’s get some levity by going back to that interview. In the Oval office!*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Casa de Kanyon 3.0. Oval Office. Yesterday.**
*We fade back in on the two couches. Curtis and Gordon still talking.*
: So yeah, I’ve always wondered what was the best way to make chocolate chip cookies, thank you for all those tips. : No problem, very easy to make, but they're hard to make perfect.: Oh, cameras came back to us!: Ah, alright. So what the fucken hell is with this fucken shit? Why are you even bothering with making AXW a better place?: Well, they maybe British, but aside from that, they have potential.: Hey! : Oh right, you're one of those. They have a lot of star power in AXW, and as a man who's made tons of money in this business, I know when I see that business can be good. But we got a weird ass anonymous owner, you got inmates running the asylum, and other such things. That's making them leave money on the table. See, I was originally here to win the X*Crown, our networks major title, bigger than any one world title because it is eighteen of them put together. So now that that's no longer in AXW, I'm stuck here, so I’m going to whip these wrestlers into shape. At least until I get another shot at the X*Crown at Night of Champions. Fact of the matter is, this company has two open spots for that match at Night of Champions, and only two people have signed up for the change to get the spots! It’s been open for over a week! The wrestlers here, they don't have confidence in themselves. Which is also obvious from them not challenging me. So I will take it upon myself to make AXW great.: So you're making AXW great again?: Nope. I'm making it great for the first time, because of they had the X*Crown, but they weren't using it to its full potential. Rob Arnold totally used this place. I however took the X*Crown to TGK, and I used that there to make shitloads of more money. I knew I had to get it out of AWF because that backwards shithole had no potential after that Horton guy showed up. And as you can see, AWF still sucks. But they were able to beat AXW because these poor bastards here are just roaming around aimlessly, some anonymously, and it needs to change. And I Gordon, I am that change. I'm going to make all AXW feel… the… BANG! : Bang? Do you say that a lot?: I say it like BANG! Yes, it's my thing!: Oh, like how Emeril says BAM? : Yeah, just like that.: I think Emeril is a fucking bitch and catch phrases are for pansy ass mother fuckers.: Fuck you, fuckin’ wiley toothed British dickface!: Ah ha, that's why you're my favorite president!: Ha thanks! That's what you're my favorite chef!*We fade out as they laugh together.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. New Orleans. Swamp Marsh. River Boat. Today.**
*Right back where we left off. Curtis is in shock that he just learned from his father that he has a nephew, and that nephew was more than just an accident.*
: Are you saying my brother {No Means No} Harold Campbell’s ex-wife?: What! Oh gosh no, my boy would never do that. And to be honest, I think he was on the same side of the fence as your friend there.: Which one of us is he referring to?*Jake shrugs.*
: No no, that Terri tramp {No Means No} him. It happens. A lot of people don’t realize it can go the other way, but it can, and did, with your brother.: I vaguely remember her, I could believe it.: I tell ya, she take and ravaged that boy a’ mine and made yourself a nephew.: Well, if it is your nephew, he may now be your niece Mr. President.: I didn’t think this could get more confusing… okay. I need to find my secret nephew/niece. When did you chase Terri off?: Now if I recall…I believe it was a few years ago. She didn’t even know your brother had passed. Apparently the kid reached out to her and stirred up memories. You know, she cou’nta kept the child due to her drug and slut problems and all. Chris didn’t want to deal with it, so they adopted it off.: That sounds like Chris. Well, thanks Pops. This is a good lead. I don’t know how I can find the records, but I’ll do what I can.: Dude, you’re the president! You can get any file!: Oh right, that part will be easy, nevermind. We should hit the road Pops, but thanks for the hospitality!: Wait, that’s it! I thought you would stay for Father’s Day shenanigans.: Oh right…that’s soon…uh, yeah, of course Pops. I got you…*Curtis takes out his wallet and riffles through it. He pulls out a slip of paper.*
: …a free coffee from Coffee Bean if you call and do a survey on this paper.: Boy! My only living son! You dun fergot Father’s Day!: Sorry Dad, I’m busy being President.: I didn’t vote for you.: No one did. Gosh, you’re just as bad as Dave. Fine, we’ll stay and chat some more.: I like that you’re spending quality family time, but you’re also our ride back Mr. President.: Ah, don’t get yer panties in a twist Tinkerbell, I’ll make some Gator Stew for us all.: Ha, it was you!*We fade out as Papa Kanyon struggles out of his recliner to make some stew. Lucifer and Jake look disgusted.*
**Fade out.**
