Gun Show VI Night of Bears on the Road to the NOC IX Special
Jul 28, 2018 20:25:55 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Rage (aka NoMercyMaster2001), and 3 more like this
Post by jamesmueller on Jul 28, 2018 20:25:55 GMT -5
We cut open to the interior of a rental car at night. Illuminated by the blue leds of the dashboard and stereo sits James Mueller in the driver seat, Venom in the passenger, and behind them filling up the backseat is Goldbear II, bear ass and hind legs struggling to get inside through the back passenger-side door. Both men are breathing heavy, with wide eyes and jaws agape. Standing at the hood of the vehicle, partially illuminated by the headlights directed in front of him, stands a muscular tall man, covered in fur.
The original Goldbear has returned from the dead.
Covered in swamp moss, fur damp and wet, and with both hands on the hood, Goldbear doesn’t seem too happy.
: ….James… What have you-
: I’m sorry.
Venom leans closer to the windshield, taking a closer look at Goldbear in the flesh. James just sits back, terrified as he begins to slowly shift the car into reverse.
: Do you think he recogn-
Goldbear slams a fist down on the hood in anger, immediately causing Venom to lunge back into his seat. James finishes transitioning from park to reverse and slams on the gas. The car quickly pulls away from Goldbear, spinning to it’s left on the gravel. The momentum further pulls Goldbear II into the car in the backseat.
The car stops, now with Goldbear behind them being illuminated by the red tail lights. Goldbear just stands there…
: ...he’s just… staring at us...
Goldbear suddenly begins to sprint towards the car.
: OH FUCK
James transitions the car into drive, slams on the gas, and peels out of the gravel parking area, throwing rocks from the backtires towards Goldbear. Goldbear tries to block the rocks from hitting his face with his arms and then starts to run after the car. Venom looks behind the vehicle and watches as the car pulls away from Goldbear, who’s still running but fading into the darkness before disappearing. Venom turns back around and looks down for a moment.
: We’re… We’re good… He can’t keep up. James…
James doesn’t respond, just focuses on driving through the narrow gravel road to get out of the woods. From above, we can see the car’s headlights darting through a narrow path, absolutely surrounded by miles of forest.
About fifteen minutes pass.
Back in the car Goldbear II is already asleep, Venom keeps looking behind him and James’ eyes keep darting attention between the rearview mirror and the dark road with trees covering both sides.
James slams on the brakes. The rental car slides on the gravel for a good 50 feet or so, almost sliding off the side, and finally coming to a rest.
: ..James.. What are you doing?
James slowly raises his hand and points ahead, finger shaking. Venom looks ahead of the car, where the headlights are now pointing at.
A little turtle slowly crossing the road. James pops open the driver door, a faint beeping can be heard for the door being ajar. James gets out, looks behind the car briefly into the darkness, and begins to hurry around to the front of the car and to the turtle.
: Are you fucking kidding?
Venom turns around in his seat and watches the tail-lit red road and darkness behind them. He turns back to the front where James gets behind the turtle, doesn’t lift it, but instead tries to scoot it forward with his hands to get it off the road. The little turtle turns slowly and tries to snap at James’ fingers instead of moving. James gets frustrated as the turtle refuses to move off the road. Venom grabs a small plastic cup and pours some of his energy drink into it, takes a sip, and places it on the dashboard in front of him.
: Listen here you fuckin…
: Uh… James…
Venom, along with the camera, focuses in on his cup of energy drink on the dash. Every second, the piss yellow energy drink ripples on the surface.
: One sec, almost got ‘em.
: James… JAMES…
Venom turns towards the back of the vehicle again, his eyes widen. About a hundred yards away you can see trees rustling and toppling over in the darkness. Venom turns back to James in scared excitement.
: JAMES! WE GOT TO GO NOW!
James turns to look past the rental car, and the trees swaying in the distance.
: Oh fuck…
James rushes to pick up the turtle by the shell, he then drops it out in front of him and kicks it into the woods with a perfect spiral punt. The turtle goes flying off into the darkness as James pivots and then runs back to inside the car. James slams the driver side door as he gets into his seat, he responsibly puts on his seat belt, and GOLDBEAR SUDDENLY SLAMS HIS FACE INTO THE WINDOW NEXT TO HIM.
: OH FUCK OH FUCK
: OH FUCK OH FUCK
Goldbear II snores and farts.
Goldbear II sleeps through all of this as James slams his foot on the gas pedal. The rental car peels out and leaves Goldbear behind once again. The rental car speeds off further through the woods as Goldbear stands alone on the gravel road, breathing heavily…
: Rawr…. Ra…. Ja…. James…. Help me…
BOOM! BANG! POP! Welcome to the Gun Show!1!
We’re live from the Phelps Recreation Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota the temporary home of the gun show, and the makeshift wrestling arena is pack with screaming fans. We pan around the small venue and then settle on the announcers table, it is empty. Empty because the Guns are missing…
With no announcers for television we quietly go straight to the first match, Ken the Box vs Bud Light-Year
vs
Eerie Japanese music plunks by as the crowd gets on their feet in respect for one of the greatest legends of Japanese wrestling known to man (and an XHF legend to boot): Ken the Box! The cardboard clad warrior wobbles out from the back, closely aided by two interns. After much work and numerous complimentary chants from the crowd Ken is slid into the ring and property righted so that he is ready for his match.
“Keep it Bud Light” by the Anheiser-Busch house band blares as up-and-coming independent wrestler, Bud Light-Year blasts onto the scene! He comes out smiling at the crowd, runs in place, and high-fives everyone at ringside as he bounces his way to the ring. This is Bud’s big break on big TV against a well-known opponent. Some wonder if “going commercial” will ruin his overall fizz. But he’s trying not to let it go to his head.
The two men bedecked in boxes stare at each other from across the ring as the referee calls for the bell. Bud Light-Year, used to having parts of his costume covered in electrical tape and being announced as “Bu” Light-Year because getting a sponsorship is hard on the Indy circuit runs to the center. Ken the Box, Japanese and XHF legend waddles up to him. The two recycling talk at each other before fists come to cuffs and BLY angrily pushes KTB. Ken stumbles back, nearly falling if not for the ropes. But the ropes are there! And they bounce the box back to his feet and send him running into his opponent with the power of like twenty Clydesdales (big horses).
But Bud, a veteran of the Indy scene deftly rolls through the shot, posing on one knee as the fans cheer his clearly above-average skill. In three days, Johnny from whogivesarip will watch this online illegally (because who pays for wrestling lol) and wonder why the big name companies are afraid to really let wrestlers show their stuff. Like that Night of Champions mainmevent? Garbage. This is wrestling, down in the depths of his soul he knows that REAL wrestling is away from the flash and the “quality” of the big names and is the dregs with Bud Light-Year. Bud rises to his feet, acknowledging the fans cheering on his clearly-better-than-mainstream skill. They chant “fight forever.”
However, the moment is cut short! As the fans have already decided the match is 5-Stars, Ken the Box, a true veteran has no time for this crap and extends his arm..........GENTLY JABBING BUD IN THE GUT! Bud is taken aback by the sudden and unsportsmanlike attack. He poses, ready to go fist-to- oh I already made that reference. He poses ready to fight. Having caught his breath, Ken (the Box) once again fights against his exoskeleton and slowly extends an arm in attack! But this time Bud Light-Beer? No. Year. Bud Light-Year grabs KTB’s arm and thrusts it backwards. Ken is caught off-balance and begins to spin, trying to keep his footing.
Ken the Box spins wildly out of control as Bud wisely ducks under the first gyration! Then, less wisely, he assumes KTB will go low and jumps. But Ken can not bend his knees! BAM! A sphere of a hand lands squarely in the gut of the man covered in beer boxes! He doubles over in pain, not expecting the next part of the spin clotheslining the top of his head! Bud goes down, maybe totally knocked out as Ken takes a few more (victory?) spins before finding himself dizzy beyond repair. The Japanese legend and XHF mainstay takes a few unsteady stumbles before falling backwards ONTO HIS DOWNED FOE!
THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! The ref dives in for a pin! 1......2.....KICKOUT
Bud struggles under his girthy foe, trying to push Ken’s boxy frame off of him, but alas, KTB is like a turtle on his back. After a few moments, Bud Light-Year of Hops Command takes a quick breather. The ref gallantly dives in! 1........2.....KICKOUT! Bud is stuck between a box and a hard place but refuses to give in!
Years of alcohol have taken their toll on Bud as he again stops to suck wind. The ref slides in! 1.......2......KICKOUT! Even Ken seems to be wobbling, is it a taunt? Bud’s space bubble helmet is beginning to fog as his speed quickens and his face turns red. Alas, Ken’s body is just too cumbersome to move. The Box casually lays against his increasingly panicked opponent. Bud’s shoulders are pinned! 1.....2....KICK OUT! The fans at ringside and at home wonder if this is the greatest match ever or if they’ve wasted their time complaining about a perfectly good main-stream product while shoveling non-stop garbage into their mouths in a vain attempt to prove that WW- THE PIN! 1........2......KICKOUT AGAIN!
It might be, sports fans! Bud Light-Year struggles relentlessly against his large and immobile foe. His breath quickened to a claustrophobic hyperventilation as he prays to his deity of choice to be freed from his miserable existence. He’ll break it off with that ring rat and be faithful to his wife just like he pretends on Twitter, he swears. He’ll be the man, and wrestler, his father raised him to be, he’ll stop trying to bang every ounce of supple flesh at the shows.......welllll, he’ll try to cut down anyway. I mean, the Lord understands a little side tail, rig- 1.......2.....KICKOUT! If only he could be free of this stupid man-Box on top of him! Bud’s life flashes before his eyes, this is it. This is how he will die. Unless.....
BUD LIGHT-YEAR IS TAPPING OUT! His screams for help and mercy are muffled by his fishbowl headwear and the sound of the bell. Soon, due to Ken the Box’s “refusal” to get up the bell rings multiple times as stage hands finally pull the victor out of the ring and to his feet. The somewhat dazed Ken the Box raises a defiant arm up...to about mid way, because his frame doesn’t allow a full range of motion. The fans also salute him with one arm stretched out, which looks suspiciously familiar to some historical salute but who reads books any more? Bud thinks on his life as he paws at his helmet. He’ll go back to the grocery store job, it’s safer there.
Winner by Submission: Ken the Box
Without commentators we cut straight into the next match, but this match isn’t actually in the arena, so a projection screen lowers down and we cut to Death Trap versus the Grocery Store
*We open up in the parking lot of a Home Depot, it is a quiet night, clearly people are at home watching the GUNS Night of Champions show. There's like five cars in the whole lot plus a few up close who must be the unlucky employees. Suddenly a red corvette drives into the lot. And promptly parks across 4 spaces ... diagonally in the center of a four space square. The driver steps out and is immediately recognizable by his sunglasses and bowler hat.*
: I am so excited. I love grocery shopping.
*He walks up to the entrance and grabs a cart. He strolls inside looking very happy.*
: Huh ... do I need a garden gnome to make bologna sandwiches on rye? ... I mean I guess it couldn't hurt ...
*He picks up a stone gargoyle ... like for a fountain.*
: Fudge this gnome is a fatty like Mongo.
*He drops it and it breaks. An employee runs out to yell*
Employee: Sir ... that was a $450 fountain granite gargoyle.
: Why would you place that with the other garden gnomes. I just needed one that dispenses mustard. If it also can poop ketchup and ejaculate mayonnaise all the better.
Employee: Are ... are you well sir?
: No ... I have a public pipe system. Wells are hella dangerous and a ton of work and what if the water table dries up? No that just won't do. I am the master of puppets after all, I need reliable water service.
Employee: Sir ... I think you want to be somewhere else.
: I'll tell YOU where I want to be. You son of a bitch do you work for Mongo Corp? Well let's see how you like this!
*He tries to superkick the guy and tears his pants and falls backwards into a display of hydrangeas.*
Employee: Steve's plants!! Oh he is not gonna like this.
: Do you still sell superglue here? Or caulk? I need caulk for my butt. There's a huge hole in my butt. Please put some caulk in it.
Employee: ... I don't get paid enough to deal with this.
*He drags Death Trap into the store, and we fade out, and then into another scene. It’s a water cooler, and a new match appears to be happening in the middle of Death Trap’s match with the grocery store, Mr. X vs Charlie Velez, around the water cooler.*
A cup is pulled up from the side of the water cooler and we pan out and it is XHF legend and owner of Velez Corp. Charlie Velez. He puts the cup under the nozzle and pulls on the tab filling his cup. He takes a long sip of water and makes an “ahh” refreshinh sound. Soon his eyes narrow looking off screen as someone appears.
Mr. X: Hello Charlie.
Velez: That’s Mr. Velez to you.
Mx. X: Ooooh. Mr. Velez I am so sorry if I offended you. Maybe we should go to HR about it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mr. X breaks out into laughter because he has managed to become the HR. Probably because of his friendly personality…
Velez: You don’t want that. There’s no telling what would happen if we were alone in the HR office.
Velez crunches the paper cup in his hand to signify what he might do, but it fails as there was still water in the cup and is spills over and pours over his hand and onto the floor.
Mr. X: Are you threatening me Mr. Velez?
Velez: If I was threatening you X. You’d know it.
Mr. X: It’s Mr. X to you.
Velez: No, it’s Mr. Fired to me if you talk back to me one more time.
Mr. X: You think the board of directors would let you do that huh?
Velez: They’d let me do whatever I want. I own this damn place.
Mr. X: Is that supposed to scare me?
Velez and Mr. X get chest to chest when a voice calls off camera.
Voice: Mr. X, your 3 o’clock is waiting for you. Mr. Velez your board meeting is about to begin.
The two stare at each other and then turn and walk away and we fade, and then face back in on Death Trap in the wood aisle of the Home Depot. .. We see a pantsless Death Trap in his hat, glasses, t-shirt, and boxer shorts.*
: Man think of all the tables you could build with this wood! You know who loved getting wood? Hardcore Harry. He loves giving and receiving wood. And using it. Dude loved to swing his wood around. Too bad he died. Wait ... did I go to his funeral? I think I owe his baby momma a sympathy card. Wonder if she needs some wood?
*Suddenly a 2x4 busts over his head and he collapses to the ground in pain*
: OWWWW! Damnit that must be that loser Kanyon trying to beat me again. He NEVER beats me!
Employee "Steve": Um ... I was hoping that would knock you out ...
*DT looks up in a rage as the beast has awoken. He hits the guy with a Breakdown (Diamond Cutter) on the cement floor. He then locks in the Seattle Stretch (Dragon Clutch). The employee taps.*
: I still got it Kanyon! NONE BETTA THAN DT! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
He sprints out of the store and we finally cut to the Guns in a convenience store bathroom, slightly colored blue by the light. Standing at the cracked and dusty mirror is James Mueller, covered in dirt and blood and god knows what else. With both hands supporting him against the sink, he leans in and looks himself in the eyes.
: ...the fuck…
James widens and sharpens his eyes repeatedly, and just continues to stare... Puking can be heard in the closed stall near him. Coughing and then a flush ends the vomiting, and the stall door opens to Venom, partially covered in dirt as well. He leans against the opening to the stall while trying to catch his breath.
: James…
James doesn’t turn to him, and is instead holding one eye open and looking directly back into it with the mirror. Venom stumbles out and puts his hand on James’ back.
: James.
James shoulders Venom’s hand away and takes a step back. He runs his hand through his own hair, moving any hair away from his own face. Venom stares at him, wide eyed himself.
: James… We need to talk about… Everything that just happened tonight. The ritual… The pig… The fact that you resurrected-
: Shut up…
James slowly turns to Venom and stares right into his eyes, wide-eyed as well. He raises a finger to Venom.
: Shut the fuck up.
James turns and walks out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Venom approaches the sink, runs the faucet under his cupped hand, and shoves some water into his mouth. He spits some remaining vomit into the sink. Venom then looks up to face himself in the mirror… A pig squeal can be heard, but only for a second in his mind, and Venom quickly looks away and exits the bathroom as well.
Back inside the convenience store, James pulls out a 12 pack of Coors from the cooler. He tucks the box under his left arm, rips open the box with his right hand, grabs a can and pops it open and begins to chug the beer right in the aisle. A couple meters away is Goldbear II, chewing into a 24 pack of Miller Lite while a store clerk carefully mops up the spill-over around him. Venom marches over from the bathroom and spins James to face him.
: JAMES! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS!
James doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look upset, just looks at Venom with beer running down his beard.
: What’s there to talk about?
: James… You can’t just block this out. I know… I know personally that drinking isn’t the answer, James. We just need to discuss t-
: There is nothing to discuss. It’s over.
: How? How is it possibly over?
: It’s… It’s done! He’s gone! He’s… He’ll stay out there in the fucking woods, Venom. He’s a fuckin b-… He belongs out there.
: That’s foolish… and that’s not the only thing we need to talk about. What the fuck was all that, James?
: What?
: You tried to make me slaughter a fucking pig, James.
: You had no problem with killing Mongo when we origina-
: That’s not… You know what I’m talking about.
: Look, man… Clear your mind! Focus on Night of Champions coming up. We have to defend our tag team titles against the… New Age Outlaws?
: Killers…
: New Age Killers… We’re not fighting cancer kids this time, Venom.. They could be our toughest opponents yet. Now… I don’t know anything about them, and honestly I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard of them before, but… What happened tonight, I did it with our best interest in mind. I did it for the group… The result wasn’t what I had in mind. My Cajun’s a little rusty, I don’t think the doctor understand exactly what I was asking…
: James…. You tried to make me slaughter a pig…
James sighs and looks at his beer… He then shoves a can into Venom’s chest, spilling some into Venom’s shirt. Venom grabs it.
: It was just a pig, V. Lighten up.
James walks away and cracks open another beer while heading to the cashier near the entrance. Venom looks at the beer in his hand, snarls at James, and then throws the beer to the floor. Venom sighs and walks past Goldbear II and eventually James, and walks outside towards the rental car. He walks up to the car, facing away from the convenience store, and sits on the hood facing out to the dark two lane road they came in on. To his left is a Georgia state forest, and waaaay off to his right in the far away distance is the bright lights of Minneapolis. Venom begins to breath heavy.
: ...that… pig…
SQUEEEE SQUEEEEEEE
: ...Oh my god…
Venom closes his eyes and puts his right hand over his chest.
SQUEEEEEEE SQUEEEEEEE
: Jesus Christ… It sounds so real…
Venom opens his eyes to a wild hog running by coming from the forest, squealing like a… pig. Venom rubs his eyes to make sure he’s seeing this correctly, until suddenly a deer runs by as well. Then another deer… and another. And a small turtle with a cracked shell. Venom then gets off the hood and takes a couple steps towards the forest, he looks out. His eyes begin to widen…
: ...Oh shit.
James stumbles out of the convenience store and is instantly cut off by a deer jolting across his path, causing James to drop the last half of his 12 pack of Coors to the curb.
: The hell?
James forgets about the beer and looks around, noticing more deer and owls and rabbits just running from the forest. James makes his way to the rental car and notices Venom standing on the other side of it, looking off into the woods. James walks up to Venom and then looks off into the woods from where they drove in from…They notice more and more wild animals escaping the woods.
: We have to go now…
: Yeah…
Both men make their way back to the rental car and quickly hop in. James honks the horn repeatedly until suddenly Goldbear II breaks through the sliding glass entrance to the convenience store, spraying cans of beer everywhere around him as he hustles to the rental car. Goldbear II tries to squeeze into the backseat again, worming around until Goldbear II finds himself on his back, and his bear cock and balls hang loose outside the door. James slams on the gas pedal with his foot and the rental car spins out of the parking lot, nearly grazing a pair of deer on the way out. Venom turns the passenger seat and grabs onto Goldbear II so he doesn’t slide out. As he does this, Venom looks out of the back window to see none other than the original Goldbear emerging and giving chase once again.
: Gotta go faster
: I’m trying
: Go faster
: I’m going as fast as I can!
James and the rental car mange to run over rabbit after rabbit as Goldbear continues to close in. Goldbear gets right up on the trunk of the car and takes a swipe at it, knocking out a tail light. Venom leans back and into the automatic shifter, somehow knocking it into neutral.
: FASTER MUST GO FASTER
: GET OFF THE STICK!
Goldbear begins to swipe left and right at the end of the car as the car slows down. Goldbear suddenly hammerfists the rear window out, shattering glass onto Goldbear II. Goldbear II turns and snarls at Goldbear. With his first look and knowledge of Goldbear II’s existence, the complexion on Goldbear’s face turns from anger to confusion. Goldbear suddenly slows down to a jog. Venom leans forward and James shifts back into drive, slamming on the gas again, and the rental car gains speed and distance away from Goldbear II.
: You think they’ll have that on the Pay Per View?
The car continues to drive off, running over another rabbit. We fade out, and back in on Death Trap in a local supermarket. Yep it's a local supermarket. It has all the trappings and is local to YOU! The viewer! If you are close to Venom's Gym ... We open up on DT walking the aisles ... still sans pants. His cart is nearly full ... he has all the necessities: pudding, yogurt, cheese, tampons, pimple cream, diapers (adult and child), beef jerky, a cheap DVD, pistachios, a large stuffed animal and one of those huge balls they sell in those steel cages*
: Ok that is almost everything. I need jelly for my sandwiches. Oh and bread. And peanut butter. And fluff. And pickles. And honey. And tuna.
*He looks around. He is in the cereal aisle.*
: Oh wow everything I just mentioned in one place!
*He grabs Captain Crunch: Oops All Berries.*
: Best sandwiches ever! I WIN!
*For no reason he superkicks an employee who goes crashing into the shelving unit and the aisles all topple like dominoes.*
: Er um ... charge it all to Mongo the Destroyer, I represent the XHF. On official business. With Randy Angel and Tequila Kitty!
*He points to a cardboard cutout of Jeff Goldblum which is taped to a giant novelty stuffed ... um ... well female genitalia. FOr the kiddies ya know. Mongo isn't going to like getting this bill ... Fade out and back into the arena where the staff have wheeled out a space pod, of generic variety while we were away. There is also a launch ramp to connect with the space pod. Looks like we’re ready to go for the next match!
*"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. Evil is petting the stuffed Whitey the Cat the Borg. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs until the match starts.*
*The White Stripes's "Seven Nation Army (Team Tron Mix)" blasts over the speakers as the Xtremetron shows the words, "THE FUTURE!!" then clicks to show the words "ALL THE" and "TRON" one on top of the other. The gunman from . . . THE FUTURE emerges and does some really awesome gun play (like Ocelot in Metal Gear Solid 3) using his FUTURE Blaster! . . . A toy six shooter straight from the toy collection of John Wayne memorabilia. Saber emerges and makes some poses. Techno emerges doing swordplay. Xtreme also does poses. Nano and Mini just raise there arms in the air. They move to the ring continuing to do ridiculous things. The crowd has broken into full TECHNO DANCE MODE from the theme and the lights are going funky like at a club. The Trons back into their corner and pose as everything returns to normal ... except the Trons... they stay posed ... and epic.*
The bell rings and the Trons figure out who will start the match. The rest leave the ring as Saber and Shogun stay behind. Evil and Heavy Metal Borg stand at the ready and await the Trons to come to them. The Trons however know not to rush into the enemy corner and also stay back. Both teams stare each other down, sizing each other up, almost as if some sort of Samurai mental battle before engaging in physical combat. Perhaps something learned from ...THE FUTURE, or ...THE AFTERWARD, or both. Perhaps they’re not so different? Anyway, the match seems slow to start as both teams seem to stand there for what feels like ages, but is only maybe a minute. Finally something happens when Mini Tron decides to climb into the ring and run across the periphery of the Borgs. Evil takes the opportunity to swipe at the littlest Tron, with his eye off the ball Shogun Tron charges in and hits Evil with a clothesline sending him to the mat. Heavy doesn't like that very much and grabs Shogun by the back of the shoulders and throws him to the floor. With this opening, Saber then charges in and hits a beautiful drop kick on Heavy Metal, sending him back into the corner. Saber quickly gets back up to his feet and charges into the corner, jumping on to Heavy and sending him out with a monkey flip.
Evil and Shogun collect their thoughts as they both get up from the floor, right next to each other, back-to-back. They bump into each other and then immediately turn around and start throwing fisticuffs. Punching back-and-forth until Evil starts to get the upper hand, and then delivers a knife edge chop. Shogun holds his chest in the agony, then retaliates with a chop of his own. Evil recoils in pain. Then he goes for another chop. Meanwhile, Mini has never left the ring, and is now crawling behind Evil. Shogun delivers another chop at Evil, sending him backward and he trips over Mini and lands flat against the floor. A few feet away, Heavy Metal has gotten back up to his knees and Saber immediately dives in with a shining wizard. Saber then starts rolling Heavy towards the space pod, trying to end this match early. But when he gets to the ropes, Heavy puts his arms up to block himself from going out of the ring. Heavy then hits an elbow to the face mask of Saber, sending him reeling backward. Evil gets up to both knees and pushes Mini down for having tripped him. Shogun doesn't take too kindly to his little buddy getting knocked down and delivers a super kick to the chin of the kneeling Evil Borg. Evil falls over like a sack of potatoes.
Shogun then turns his attention to Heavy Metal, who is trying to get up off the mat. Shogun then grabs Heavy and locks him into a suplex position. Saber joins him and they deliver a double suplex. Heavy Metal sits up holding his back in pain. Shogun and Saber then get on either side of Heavy and each one grab an arm and a leg and they pull Heavy up high into the air, and then let go causing him to land with a thud on the mat. As the two are double teaming Heavy, Evil Borg has crawled back to his corner and grabs something. He uses the turnbuckles to help himself up, and Saber Tron realizes that Evil has stirred, so he heads over to that corner. He turns Evil around and Evil Borg swings the stuffed Whitey the Cat the Borg by the tail into Saber’s face! A cloud of cat fur flies into the air as this long dead cat smacks him in the mask. Evil then puts the claws of Whitey into the shoulder of Saber, almost like a shoulder nerve pinch, but with cat claws. Saber goes down to his knees in pain. Mini rushes over and kicks Evil in the shin, causing him to let go of Saber, and then Mini gives a palm strike to Whitey, sending the stuffed cat flying into the aisle way.
Shogun has kept up on Heavy, who has yet to get any major offence in this match, with punches on the mat. Evil Borg delivers a knee to Mini’s face. Then does a spinning back fist into the kneeling Saber Tron, sending him to the mat. Evil Borg turns his attention to Shogun and attacks him with a running knee strike! Evil Borg then grabs at Shogun by the back and throws him shoulder first into the ring post nearby.
Shogun falls out of the ring holding his shoulder in pain. Xtreme Tron jumps up on the apron yelling at Evil Borg, Evil slaps him across the mask. Xtreme Tron looks angry and Evil just laughs. Evil then slaps him again! Xtreme Tron doesn't seem to be taking this lightly, and now is trying to enter the ring, and as he gets one leg in, Evil Borg kicks the middle rope, thus delivering an assisted low blow to Xtreme Tron! He falls to the apron holding his futuristic jewels. Evil laughs and then kicks Xtreme off of the apron, sending him tumbling to the floor. Heavy Metal has rolled out of the ring on the other side and is searching under the apron and pulls out a chair. He slides back into the ring and Saber is getting back to his feet when Heavy hits him across the back with a chair! Saber crumbles back to the mat. Heavy turns his attention to Mini Tron and Mini immediately starts running away. Heavy chases him around the ring with the chair overhead. Nano will have none of this however and jumps into the ring behind Heavy Metal. He grabs the chair and pulls it away. Heavy turns around and Nano raises the chair, but then remembers that Trons don’t need weapons and drops the chair. Heavy then kicks Nano in the gut, grabs both his arms, trapping them under his own armpits, and delivers multiple headbutts, the Headbanger’s Ball! Nano falls holding his forehead. Heavy turns around right into the arms of Shogun who grabs him with a yurinagi, jumps into the air pulling Heavy with him, and hits the Space-Time Continuum!
Evil has finally finished laughing at Xtreme and realizes what’s going on. He goes to attack Shogun, but Shogun ducks and then Shogun hits Evil with a massive chop. Evil holds his chest in pain and Shogun pulls out his FUTURE BLASTER! He points at Evil and shoots a ping pong ball into Evil’s face. Evil just stares at him. Shogun fires again and a suction cup dart sticks to his stomach. Evil just shakes his head. Shogun then shoots a paper ball at Evil’s direction, as he goes to swat it away, Saber hits him from the side with a superkick! With both Borg’s down, Saber and Shogun grab each one, but they’re dead weight. So Nano and Xtreme now join in lifting them up off the mat. Mini too, but it’s not that much help. Techno goes over and pulls on the ropes, making it easier for the Trons to throw the Borg’s into the pod. However, on their way to deposit the Borgs, the lights go out.
As the arena is drapped in darkness, a lightning bolt emenates from the ceiling, hitting a ring post. Then another bolt hits another post. Some space age timey wimey music emanates throughout the arena, and the lights return! A group stands between the Trons and victory! It’s Gold-Borg with a diaper bag over his shoulder, Ye Olde Borg Thob (being held by Slain), and Mini Borg holding Whitey the Cat the Borg! The Trons drop Heavy and Evil and prepare for more battle. Slain throws Thob into the chest of Saber Tron, knocking him down. Mini Borg throws Whitey at Nano, who catches the cat and starts to have a sneezing fit! Gold throws his baby’s diaper bag at Xtreme, and then hits Xtreme with a clothesline! Mini Borg jumps on Mini Tron with a Lou Thez press and starts wailing away. Slain runs at Saber and Shogun who try to hit him with a double clothesline, but he ducks, rolls next to Thob, and then throws her like a bowling ball, tripping both Trons!
Evil gets back to his feet and pulls Shogun up off the mat, lifts him on his shoulders, and hits a Death Valley Driver. Evil then stands over Shogun’s head, looks down at him, runs into the ropes, bounces back, leans toward Shogun and shakes his fist, then drops and hits The Iron Fist! Heavy is also back to his feet and runs to the ropes, then does a forward roll into a senton, landing on Saber with the Axl Roll! Gold Borg pulls Xtreme Tron up by the wrist, and hits a Golden Rain Maker! He keeps the wrist held and pulls him up again and throws him into Heavy, who bends Xtreme over, lifts him up into a crucifix position, and drops him with the Motley Crue-cifix! Mini Borg lifts Mini Tron up with a belly to back and holds him up for Evil to grab Mini Tron and fling him backward with an Olympic slam, known as the Domination! Nano’s allergies are finally starting to calm down when Slain swings Thob as hard as he can into the face of Nano, knocking him down. Saber is back up and charges at Gold Borg, but he ducks and Saber is running at Heavy Metal, who sprays purple mist into Saber’s face, the Purple Haze! He goes down wiping at his mask. Evil hits Techno with a Bicycle Kick, sending him back into a corner. He then lifts Techno onto a turnbuckle. Mini Borg gains Evil’s attention and points him toward Shogun. With all the other Trons down, Shogun is slow to his feet and surrounded by all the Borgs!
Shogun puts up his fists and the Borgs all rush in. Shogun pushes one back with a palm strike, punches another, elbows another, the Borgs get in a few punches here and there, but Shogun is doing his best to stay on his feet. He goes for a kick to Slain, then another palm strike to Gold Borg. Heavy kicks Shogun in the back of the leg. Evil hits him with an uppercut. Slain jabs Thob into Shogun’s gut. Then they all start pummeling Shogun with fists and stomps until he’s down on the ground, unmoving. The Borgs all then grab at Shogun and lift his lifeless body overhead, like a sadistic crowd surf. They start heading in unison toward the side of the ring with the pod.
Just as they are about to throw Shogun, The White Stripes's "Seven Nation Army (Team Tron Mix)" blasts over the speakers again. The Borgs freeze, looking at each other in confusion. A hawk sound effect plays and a flash of fireworks go off! Taka Tron comes flying down from the rafters with her wing cape flowing beautifully (and a harness)!
The female Tron hits the middle of the ring with a super hero landing. Removes the harness, and takes a judo pose. The Borgs look at each other, and then start laughing, causing them to drop Shogun to the floor. Slain, holding Thob, walks up to Taka and looks her up and down. He wistles at her, and she grabs his lips with one hand and squeezes. He writhes in pain, but holding Thob, can’t really do anything. Taka stomps on his foot, and then gives him a roundhouse kick over Thob, knocking him down. The other Borgs stop laughing and Mini Borg charges at Taka, but she hits him with a leg sweep. She gets back up into her stance. Heavy charges and swings at her, she ducks. He then tries to hit her with the Purple Haze, but she moves to the size, and then hits a throat chop, making him choke on his mist! Evil charges and Taka leaps over him. He turns around and she hits him with a chop to the shoulder. Then a kick to the ribs. Then a knee to the face. She turns around and Gold Borg is staring in disbelief. He then digs his feet into the mat and gets ready to fight. Taka Tron gets back into her stance and tells him to bring it, Bruce Lee style. Gold Borg takes a step forward, then turns around and darts out of the ring. He looks at his wrist like there was a watch there, but there is not, and says he has to go check on his baby.
Taka helps Shogun up to his feet and shakes him awake. Shogun picks up Whitey and awaits Heavy to turn around. When he does, Shogun smacks him in the face with the stuffed cat! Heavy falls back and Techno is still up on the turnbuckle. He stands up, and then jumps off with a Shooting Star Press onto Heavy Metal! (Note, it hurts even more due to Techno’s spiky armor.) Mini-Tron picks up Mini-Borg, kicks him in the gut, and hits him with a Mini-Stunner! Nano pulls Thob away from Slain, swings Thob low, and then up between Slain’s legs! He drops Thob and she just walks away, sniffing Whitey to see if he’s edible. Nano runs to the ropes, springboards off the rope, moonsaulting back toward Slain, and hits him with the FUTURE FLIP! Saber Tron gets behind Evil Borg as he slowly gets to his feet. Saber grabs both arms, making Evil’s arms make an X, and suplexs him with the Saber X-plex! The impact causes Evil to roll backward and get back onto his feet, although dazed. He stumbles forward and Shogun grabs him by the mask and slams him to the mat with the Shogun Fury!
Shogun rolls Evil Borg to the side of the ring, and pushes him into the space pod! Techno and Nano are pulling Heavy Metal by the arms and pushes him out of the ring and into the space pod! Saber grabs the lid of the pod and closes it shut!
Winners of the space pod match: The Trons!
The Trons back away from the pod as Slain, Thob, and Mini Borg slink away from the ring. “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” starts to play over the speakers and the Trons all make their respective famous poses, then salute. The space pod “starts up” and then blasts off! And by blast off, I mean follows along that launch ramp set up in front of it, maybe going up to about 40 mph (about 64 kph for other people), before getting to the end of the ramp! The pod goes flying through the air and pierces the giant screen, then lands somewhere backstage.
That’s the end of the Gun Show: Night of Bears card, but where are the Guns? What is going on with that bear like creature that is chasing them? Well we are not done yet…
We cut back to the interior of the rental car, driving over gravel through another patch of forest in Minnesota. James is still driving and still looking bugged eye. Next to him in the passenger side is Venom, his mobile phone illuminates his face looking concerned while he swipes the phone screen. Behind them sleeps Goldbear II underneath the shattered back window. James looks down into the dash and begins to look a little concerned himself.
: Shit… Venom..
: Says here we’re only a little over an hour away from Minneapolis.
: Yeah but we only have about fifteen minutes of gas left in the tank.
: You… You didn’t fill up at the gas station?
: Me? It’s not my fault!
: That’s not what I’m saying, James… At least… That wasn’t originally what I meant…
: I was going to pump it after I took care of… more important matters.
: What’s more important than the fucking gas??
James avoids eye contact with Venom as he tries to sneak a sip of an open Coors can. Venom snatches it out of his hand and tosses it out of the broken back window.
: Are you fucked?!
: I just saw my fucking gold-uncle-bear-thing come back from the dead, yeah I’m a bit fucked right now! What do you think, Venom?!
: What the hell were you expecting??
: We were going to be Gods, Venom… We were going to harness his power, we would be invincible.
: Invincible? If Goldbear was invincible, he wouldn’t have been dead to begin with, James!
: Well, he’s not anymore. Haven’t seen that shit before, ya know? I would think that anything that can be brought back from being dead should be considerable pretty god damn invincible…
Venom glares at James. James glares back. Goldbear II farts in his sleep. James narrows his vision and looks past Venom for a second, before applying the brakes. Venom looks confused but then looks to his right where James is focused. Just a bit into the forest off the road is an older wood cabin with a station wagon parked in front, and the inside visibly lit through the windows by a fireplace indoors. They nod to each other and James turns off the road into a driveway that leads up to the cabin. The rental car pulls up and parks next to the station wagon. Out steps James and Venom. As James makes his way up to the front door of the cabin, Venom turns his attention back to Goldbear II, who struggles to get himself out of the car. James knocks on the door of the front door.
: Hey hey, whoa whoa…
Goldbear II plops backwards out of the back of the rental car, landing on his bear ass. He sits there and looks to Venom next to him.
: Maybe it’s best if you stay here, watch the car. Honk the horn if… If things get weird out here.
Venom shrugs to Goldbear II, who doesn’t really listen and starts wondering away from the car. Venom turns to look at the front of the cabin, just as the front door closes and James is not in sight. Venom rolls his eyes, walks up and approaches the front door and lets himself in. James isn’t in sight but the fireplace fickers the big front room, illuminating a red couch and chair adorned with dead bear skins, and the dead bear heads that litter the walls as taxidermy trophies.
: James…
James pops in from the door on the far right of the front. He emerges with a beer in his hand and a raggedly looking book in the other.
: Look what I found. Beer… and… a book bound by human flesh.
: Neat!
James looks at both items in his hands and then tosses the book to Venom. He then pops open the can and starts drinking as he wonders off.
: Nobody’s here, it’s odd.
James walks into the left room, an office with bookshelves and a tape player with a small microphone. James notices a notepad and begins to look through the notes. Venom stands nearby, grabbing and lighting a nearby oil lamp, and looking at the stuffed bear heads closely.
: This is creeping me out… James, we just need to get some gas… Let’s siphon some out of the station wagon in front and get going.
: It appears whoever was here was working on a straight to tape… podcast.
: About what?
: Something called… The Necronomicon?
Suddenly, thunder and lightning outside, despite being a pretty clear night when they entered.
: ...Sounds dumb.
Venom tosses the book of the dead into the fireplace without a second thought.
: Yeah… Just odd.
James is about to press play on the tape player, but his finger stops before it reaches the Play button. James notices something on the shelf above the tape player… He reaches into the shelf, pulls out a black cassette tape case. He opens that, opens the tape deck of the tape player, and swaps the tapes. He shuts the cassette, presses player, and turns up the volume dial. As James Mueller walks away, a song begins to pick up where the tape left off…
: Venom… You need to leave.
: What?
James walks up to Venom, and puts his right hand on Venom’s shoulder.
: I think this is the end for you and me…
Venom moves James hand off of him and takes a step back.
: ...What are you saying, James?
: I’m saying… I think this is the end of the GUNS.
: What?
: I’m the one he wants, Venom… And if it means I have to take one for the team, even if it means destroying the team… Then so be it.
James walks past Venom and out of the front door. Outside in the moonlight, Goldbear II rolls forward over his head and lays in the grass in the front yard. Meanwhile, James followed closely by Venom rush over to the vehicles. James grabs a siphon hose and a couple of spare gas tanks. Venom takes the siphon tube and slides it into the station wagon and begins to suck on one end. Gas suddenly rushes through the hose and Venom sticks the open end into a small gallon portable gas tank.
: What are you going to do, James?
: I’m going to end it, even if I have to burn it all down.
James takes the siphon hose out of the small gallon tank and sticks it into the rental car as gas continues to siphon out. James and Venom walk up to the entrance of the cabin, behind them a rabbit scurries by. James places the small tank down and turns to face Venom.
: I’m sorry… Venom… About all of this.
: James… It’s entirely your fault.
: … Thanks, man. I really appreciate that.
Venom shrugs.
: Look…
James reaches to the XHF Tag Team Championship belt around his waist and undoes it. He slings it over Venom’s right shoulder to hold.
: If I don’t make it… Defend these with pride. Maybe you can even find yourself a better tag team partner than I was…
: Yeah, maybe Charlie Velez will come out of retirement...
: … I mean… You think him on hiatus for ten years if better than me right now?
: There’s also Goldbear II…
Venom nods his head over to Goldbear II near the vehicles. Goldbear II can be seen lunging at a dear trying to scamper through but the dear gets just by him with about 3 others. Goldbear II hangs his head and returns to the rental car’s backseat.
: Hey… man…
: Magnus-
: Enough! I get it. Damn. The low blow wasn’t necessary.
James turns away from Venom and goes into the cabin with the gasoline. Venom walks back o the vehicles. James uncaps the gasoline and starts pouring it on the floor when he hears the rental cars horn and then footsteps coming from the back. James drops the gasoline canister down and then pulls out a lighter. Out of the darkness steps Goldbear, the original… He eyes James… But he doesn’t seem enraged.
: James… Wait…
: ...Since when could you… talk?
: It’s me… Your uncle...
James looks confused… Because while technically Goldberg was his uncle before turning into Goldbear, Goldbear is still his uncle as well since he’s actually Goldberg but thinks he’s a bear named Goldbear instead of Goldberg because it’s a play on words, I replaced the “-berg” of Goldberg with “-bear” for Goldbear ever since Goldberg hit his head in a wrestling-related incident and started believing he was a real bear named Goldbear.
: I don’t know what’s going on, James… I need your help… I’m losing long stretches of memory...
: I can help… I can kill you.
: ...Excuse me?
: Yeah! I just have to light this gasoline on fire and you just have to promise you’ll stay here for the whole thing.
Goldbear stares at James, a bit heartbroken maybe, but also confused as to why death is the first option on the table.
: And just… die. Simple enough.
: I was thinking more.. Professional… help…
: Where you don’t die?
: Yes. Preferably..
: ...eh…
Goldbear suddenly reaches for his chest and starts grabbing at his heart. He falls to his knees and starts digging his claws into the ground.
: Oh, perfect! A heart attack would be really convenient right now…
Goldbear starts growling like a bear instead of an older Jewish wrestler…. James grabs the oil lantern and tries to light it but struggles. Goldbear doesn’t physically transform, but he does start growling louder and louder. Goldbear stands up feet on the ground and sniffs the air. He eyes Mueller, who finally gets the lamp lit with a seperate lighter. Before James can do anything with the lantern, Goldbear smacks it out of his hands, sending the lantern into the front door and lighting it on fire. James tries to block the fire near him with his arm but both him and Goldbear fall to the ground and the fire grows.
Outside, Venom’s already backing the car out of the drive before the cabin was even set on fire and he whips it out onto the gravel road. He peels the tires out in the gravel and suddenly takes off for Minneapolis again.
Back in the cabin, smoke begins to fill the ceiling of the Cabin as the fire spreads out over the taxidermied bears. James covers his mouth with his shirt and crawls quickly over to a cellar door in the floor. He flips the door open and starts to crawl in before sliding down the stairs all the way to the bottom. He holds his ribs in pain as he pushes himself up to his feet. He looks around the dark cellar that has a dirt floor, water dripping from the ground and pipes around, and some other spooky shit until he suddenly notices someone else. An old woman, who stands out from under the stairs that James just crawled down. She puts herself between him and the cellar door…
Somebody’s in my fruit cellar…
: That’s cute.
[/i]Somebody with a fresh soul![/i]
: Excuse me?!
The Old Woman sticks her hands out to grab James Mueller until Goldbear falls on top of her from the cellar hatch. He then begins to maul her out of confusion and bear anger. One less meth head. The fire reaches the gas canister and really gets out of control, causing the wood floors above them in the cellar to start to crack and fall amongst James and Goldbear. The two eye each other, as wood ash circles around and wood beams start to glow from the fire itself. James slowly backs away from Goldbear, who steps off of the dead old woman towards James.
: Goldberg… Uncle… I know you’re in there…
: Rawr!
Goldbear swipes at James, and as James jumps back to avoid he hits a support beam, loose enough to fall over. As the support beam tumbles over, so does the floor above the two, sending hot ember down into the cellar between them. The wood burns into Goldbear’s fur and he lets out of a yelp.
: Yelp!
Goldbear finds himself surrounded by burning debris from the Cabin above them, but James finds himself closer to the only other exit, a stairwell that leads to the outside through a double door hatch. James quickly makes his way to the stairs and pops open the doors. He stops and looks back to the cellar beginning to burn… Goldbear finds himself trapped and surrounded. He makes eye contact with James.
: James! I… I hate you.
: What?
: This is Goldberg speaking… I fucking hate you.
: Why??
: You killed me.
: But-
Goldbear: Again.
James looks at his feet… And then runs up the stairs to the safety of outside. He falls over upon stepping out, rolls to his butt, and sits up looking at the cabin completely engulfed in flames. Wood is very burnable.
: Sorry, uncle.
James see’s a spider near him.
: Oh GOD A SPIDER
James quickly gets to his feet, losing his footing though and stumbles into in the woods away from the cabin. He rolls down a steep hill, narrowly avoiding some rocks and trees before finally rolling out through some bushes into a gravel road. A car swerves to avoid James and slams on the brakes… Venom pops his head out of the driver side door.
: ...James? Is that you?
James pulls himself up using the car. Behind him a giant fireball erupts into the sky from where the cabin is.
: ...Let’s go… Night of Champions is just around the corner…
: What about Goldbear?
: He’s done… It’s done. He’s dead and I’m not going to resurrect him, again.
James opens the passenger door and plumps down, looking exhausted. Venom looks at the fire and then at James. He then glances at his cell phone and quickly deletes a text that was going to go out to “R. Arnold, C. Bauer, and R. Eeshi.” Venom shuts the driver side door with him in the driver’s seat, and shifts the car back into drive, before continuing towards Minneapolis. James passes out almost immediately. The car approaches a clearing in the forest and drives past a sign with “XHF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS, JULY 29TH. 40 MILES.”
The original Goldbear has returned from the dead.
Covered in swamp moss, fur damp and wet, and with both hands on the hood, Goldbear doesn’t seem too happy.
: ….James… What have you-
: I’m sorry.
Venom leans closer to the windshield, taking a closer look at Goldbear in the flesh. James just sits back, terrified as he begins to slowly shift the car into reverse.
: Do you think he recogn-
Goldbear slams a fist down on the hood in anger, immediately causing Venom to lunge back into his seat. James finishes transitioning from park to reverse and slams on the gas. The car quickly pulls away from Goldbear, spinning to it’s left on the gravel. The momentum further pulls Goldbear II into the car in the backseat.
The car stops, now with Goldbear behind them being illuminated by the red tail lights. Goldbear just stands there…
: ...he’s just… staring at us...
Goldbear suddenly begins to sprint towards the car.
: OH FUCK
James transitions the car into drive, slams on the gas, and peels out of the gravel parking area, throwing rocks from the backtires towards Goldbear. Goldbear tries to block the rocks from hitting his face with his arms and then starts to run after the car. Venom looks behind the vehicle and watches as the car pulls away from Goldbear, who’s still running but fading into the darkness before disappearing. Venom turns back around and looks down for a moment.
: We’re… We’re good… He can’t keep up. James…
James doesn’t respond, just focuses on driving through the narrow gravel road to get out of the woods. From above, we can see the car’s headlights darting through a narrow path, absolutely surrounded by miles of forest.
About fifteen minutes pass.
Back in the car Goldbear II is already asleep, Venom keeps looking behind him and James’ eyes keep darting attention between the rearview mirror and the dark road with trees covering both sides.
James slams on the brakes. The rental car slides on the gravel for a good 50 feet or so, almost sliding off the side, and finally coming to a rest.
: ..James.. What are you doing?
James slowly raises his hand and points ahead, finger shaking. Venom looks ahead of the car, where the headlights are now pointing at.
A little turtle slowly crossing the road. James pops open the driver door, a faint beeping can be heard for the door being ajar. James gets out, looks behind the car briefly into the darkness, and begins to hurry around to the front of the car and to the turtle.
: Are you fucking kidding?
Venom turns around in his seat and watches the tail-lit red road and darkness behind them. He turns back to the front where James gets behind the turtle, doesn’t lift it, but instead tries to scoot it forward with his hands to get it off the road. The little turtle turns slowly and tries to snap at James’ fingers instead of moving. James gets frustrated as the turtle refuses to move off the road. Venom grabs a small plastic cup and pours some of his energy drink into it, takes a sip, and places it on the dashboard in front of him.
: Listen here you fuckin…
: Uh… James…
Venom, along with the camera, focuses in on his cup of energy drink on the dash. Every second, the piss yellow energy drink ripples on the surface.
: One sec, almost got ‘em.
: James… JAMES…
Venom turns towards the back of the vehicle again, his eyes widen. About a hundred yards away you can see trees rustling and toppling over in the darkness. Venom turns back to James in scared excitement.
: JAMES! WE GOT TO GO NOW!
James turns to look past the rental car, and the trees swaying in the distance.
: Oh fuck…
James rushes to pick up the turtle by the shell, he then drops it out in front of him and kicks it into the woods with a perfect spiral punt. The turtle goes flying off into the darkness as James pivots and then runs back to inside the car. James slams the driver side door as he gets into his seat, he responsibly puts on his seat belt, and GOLDBEAR SUDDENLY SLAMS HIS FACE INTO THE WINDOW NEXT TO HIM.
: OH FUCK OH FUCK
: OH FUCK OH FUCK
Goldbear II snores and farts.
Goldbear II sleeps through all of this as James slams his foot on the gas pedal. The rental car peels out and leaves Goldbear behind once again. The rental car speeds off further through the woods as Goldbear stands alone on the gravel road, breathing heavily…
: Rawr…. Ra…. Ja…. James…. Help me…
BOOM! BANG! POP! Welcome to the Gun Show!1!
We’re live from the Phelps Recreation Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota the temporary home of the gun show, and the makeshift wrestling arena is pack with screaming fans. We pan around the small venue and then settle on the announcers table, it is empty. Empty because the Guns are missing…
With no announcers for television we quietly go straight to the first match, Ken the Box vs Bud Light-Year
vs
Eerie Japanese music plunks by as the crowd gets on their feet in respect for one of the greatest legends of Japanese wrestling known to man (and an XHF legend to boot): Ken the Box! The cardboard clad warrior wobbles out from the back, closely aided by two interns. After much work and numerous complimentary chants from the crowd Ken is slid into the ring and property righted so that he is ready for his match.
“Keep it Bud Light” by the Anheiser-Busch house band blares as up-and-coming independent wrestler, Bud Light-Year blasts onto the scene! He comes out smiling at the crowd, runs in place, and high-fives everyone at ringside as he bounces his way to the ring. This is Bud’s big break on big TV against a well-known opponent. Some wonder if “going commercial” will ruin his overall fizz. But he’s trying not to let it go to his head.
The two men bedecked in boxes stare at each other from across the ring as the referee calls for the bell. Bud Light-Year, used to having parts of his costume covered in electrical tape and being announced as “Bu” Light-Year because getting a sponsorship is hard on the Indy circuit runs to the center. Ken the Box, Japanese and XHF legend waddles up to him. The two recycling talk at each other before fists come to cuffs and BLY angrily pushes KTB. Ken stumbles back, nearly falling if not for the ropes. But the ropes are there! And they bounce the box back to his feet and send him running into his opponent with the power of like twenty Clydesdales (big horses).
But Bud, a veteran of the Indy scene deftly rolls through the shot, posing on one knee as the fans cheer his clearly above-average skill. In three days, Johnny from whogivesarip will watch this online illegally (because who pays for wrestling lol) and wonder why the big name companies are afraid to really let wrestlers show their stuff. Like that Night of Champions mainmevent? Garbage. This is wrestling, down in the depths of his soul he knows that REAL wrestling is away from the flash and the “quality” of the big names and is the dregs with Bud Light-Year. Bud rises to his feet, acknowledging the fans cheering on his clearly-better-than-mainstream skill. They chant “fight forever.”
However, the moment is cut short! As the fans have already decided the match is 5-Stars, Ken the Box, a true veteran has no time for this crap and extends his arm..........GENTLY JABBING BUD IN THE GUT! Bud is taken aback by the sudden and unsportsmanlike attack. He poses, ready to go fist-to- oh I already made that reference. He poses ready to fight. Having caught his breath, Ken (the Box) once again fights against his exoskeleton and slowly extends an arm in attack! But this time Bud Light-Beer? No. Year. Bud Light-Year grabs KTB’s arm and thrusts it backwards. Ken is caught off-balance and begins to spin, trying to keep his footing.
Ken the Box spins wildly out of control as Bud wisely ducks under the first gyration! Then, less wisely, he assumes KTB will go low and jumps. But Ken can not bend his knees! BAM! A sphere of a hand lands squarely in the gut of the man covered in beer boxes! He doubles over in pain, not expecting the next part of the spin clotheslining the top of his head! Bud goes down, maybe totally knocked out as Ken takes a few more (victory?) spins before finding himself dizzy beyond repair. The Japanese legend and XHF mainstay takes a few unsteady stumbles before falling backwards ONTO HIS DOWNED FOE!
THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! The ref dives in for a pin! 1......2.....KICKOUT
Bud struggles under his girthy foe, trying to push Ken’s boxy frame off of him, but alas, KTB is like a turtle on his back. After a few moments, Bud Light-Year of Hops Command takes a quick breather. The ref gallantly dives in! 1........2.....KICKOUT! Bud is stuck between a box and a hard place but refuses to give in!
Years of alcohol have taken their toll on Bud as he again stops to suck wind. The ref slides in! 1.......2......KICKOUT! Even Ken seems to be wobbling, is it a taunt? Bud’s space bubble helmet is beginning to fog as his speed quickens and his face turns red. Alas, Ken’s body is just too cumbersome to move. The Box casually lays against his increasingly panicked opponent. Bud’s shoulders are pinned! 1.....2....KICK OUT! The fans at ringside and at home wonder if this is the greatest match ever or if they’ve wasted their time complaining about a perfectly good main-stream product while shoveling non-stop garbage into their mouths in a vain attempt to prove that WW- THE PIN! 1........2......KICKOUT AGAIN!
It might be, sports fans! Bud Light-Year struggles relentlessly against his large and immobile foe. His breath quickened to a claustrophobic hyperventilation as he prays to his deity of choice to be freed from his miserable existence. He’ll break it off with that ring rat and be faithful to his wife just like he pretends on Twitter, he swears. He’ll be the man, and wrestler, his father raised him to be, he’ll stop trying to bang every ounce of supple flesh at the shows.......welllll, he’ll try to cut down anyway. I mean, the Lord understands a little side tail, rig- 1.......2.....KICKOUT! If only he could be free of this stupid man-Box on top of him! Bud’s life flashes before his eyes, this is it. This is how he will die. Unless.....
BUD LIGHT-YEAR IS TAPPING OUT! His screams for help and mercy are muffled by his fishbowl headwear and the sound of the bell. Soon, due to Ken the Box’s “refusal” to get up the bell rings multiple times as stage hands finally pull the victor out of the ring and to his feet. The somewhat dazed Ken the Box raises a defiant arm up...to about mid way, because his frame doesn’t allow a full range of motion. The fans also salute him with one arm stretched out, which looks suspiciously familiar to some historical salute but who reads books any more? Bud thinks on his life as he paws at his helmet. He’ll go back to the grocery store job, it’s safer there.
Winner by Submission: Ken the Box
Without commentators we cut straight into the next match, but this match isn’t actually in the arena, so a projection screen lowers down and we cut to Death Trap versus the Grocery Store
*We open up in the parking lot of a Home Depot, it is a quiet night, clearly people are at home watching the GUNS Night of Champions show. There's like five cars in the whole lot plus a few up close who must be the unlucky employees. Suddenly a red corvette drives into the lot. And promptly parks across 4 spaces ... diagonally in the center of a four space square. The driver steps out and is immediately recognizable by his sunglasses and bowler hat.*
: I am so excited. I love grocery shopping.
*He walks up to the entrance and grabs a cart. He strolls inside looking very happy.*
: Huh ... do I need a garden gnome to make bologna sandwiches on rye? ... I mean I guess it couldn't hurt ...
*He picks up a stone gargoyle ... like for a fountain.*
: Fudge this gnome is a fatty like Mongo.
*He drops it and it breaks. An employee runs out to yell*
Employee: Sir ... that was a $450 fountain granite gargoyle.
: Why would you place that with the other garden gnomes. I just needed one that dispenses mustard. If it also can poop ketchup and ejaculate mayonnaise all the better.
Employee: Are ... are you well sir?
: No ... I have a public pipe system. Wells are hella dangerous and a ton of work and what if the water table dries up? No that just won't do. I am the master of puppets after all, I need reliable water service.
Employee: Sir ... I think you want to be somewhere else.
: I'll tell YOU where I want to be. You son of a bitch do you work for Mongo Corp? Well let's see how you like this!
*He tries to superkick the guy and tears his pants and falls backwards into a display of hydrangeas.*
Employee: Steve's plants!! Oh he is not gonna like this.
: Do you still sell superglue here? Or caulk? I need caulk for my butt. There's a huge hole in my butt. Please put some caulk in it.
Employee: ... I don't get paid enough to deal with this.
*He drags Death Trap into the store, and we fade out, and then into another scene. It’s a water cooler, and a new match appears to be happening in the middle of Death Trap’s match with the grocery store, Mr. X vs Charlie Velez, around the water cooler.*
A cup is pulled up from the side of the water cooler and we pan out and it is XHF legend and owner of Velez Corp. Charlie Velez. He puts the cup under the nozzle and pulls on the tab filling his cup. He takes a long sip of water and makes an “ahh” refreshinh sound. Soon his eyes narrow looking off screen as someone appears.
Mr. X: Hello Charlie.
Velez: That’s Mr. Velez to you.
Mx. X: Ooooh. Mr. Velez I am so sorry if I offended you. Maybe we should go to HR about it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mr. X breaks out into laughter because he has managed to become the HR. Probably because of his friendly personality…
Velez: You don’t want that. There’s no telling what would happen if we were alone in the HR office.
Velez crunches the paper cup in his hand to signify what he might do, but it fails as there was still water in the cup and is spills over and pours over his hand and onto the floor.
Mr. X: Are you threatening me Mr. Velez?
Velez: If I was threatening you X. You’d know it.
Mr. X: It’s Mr. X to you.
Velez: No, it’s Mr. Fired to me if you talk back to me one more time.
Mr. X: You think the board of directors would let you do that huh?
Velez: They’d let me do whatever I want. I own this damn place.
Mr. X: Is that supposed to scare me?
Velez and Mr. X get chest to chest when a voice calls off camera.
Voice: Mr. X, your 3 o’clock is waiting for you. Mr. Velez your board meeting is about to begin.
The two stare at each other and then turn and walk away and we fade, and then face back in on Death Trap in the wood aisle of the Home Depot. .. We see a pantsless Death Trap in his hat, glasses, t-shirt, and boxer shorts.*
: Man think of all the tables you could build with this wood! You know who loved getting wood? Hardcore Harry. He loves giving and receiving wood. And using it. Dude loved to swing his wood around. Too bad he died. Wait ... did I go to his funeral? I think I owe his baby momma a sympathy card. Wonder if she needs some wood?
*Suddenly a 2x4 busts over his head and he collapses to the ground in pain*
: OWWWW! Damnit that must be that loser Kanyon trying to beat me again. He NEVER beats me!
Employee "Steve": Um ... I was hoping that would knock you out ...
*DT looks up in a rage as the beast has awoken. He hits the guy with a Breakdown (Diamond Cutter) on the cement floor. He then locks in the Seattle Stretch (Dragon Clutch). The employee taps.*
: I still got it Kanyon! NONE BETTA THAN DT! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
He sprints out of the store and we finally cut to the Guns in a convenience store bathroom, slightly colored blue by the light. Standing at the cracked and dusty mirror is James Mueller, covered in dirt and blood and god knows what else. With both hands supporting him against the sink, he leans in and looks himself in the eyes.
: ...the fuck…
James widens and sharpens his eyes repeatedly, and just continues to stare... Puking can be heard in the closed stall near him. Coughing and then a flush ends the vomiting, and the stall door opens to Venom, partially covered in dirt as well. He leans against the opening to the stall while trying to catch his breath.
: James…
James doesn’t turn to him, and is instead holding one eye open and looking directly back into it with the mirror. Venom stumbles out and puts his hand on James’ back.
: James.
James shoulders Venom’s hand away and takes a step back. He runs his hand through his own hair, moving any hair away from his own face. Venom stares at him, wide eyed himself.
: James… We need to talk about… Everything that just happened tonight. The ritual… The pig… The fact that you resurrected-
: Shut up…
James slowly turns to Venom and stares right into his eyes, wide-eyed as well. He raises a finger to Venom.
: Shut the fuck up.
James turns and walks out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Venom approaches the sink, runs the faucet under his cupped hand, and shoves some water into his mouth. He spits some remaining vomit into the sink. Venom then looks up to face himself in the mirror… A pig squeal can be heard, but only for a second in his mind, and Venom quickly looks away and exits the bathroom as well.
Back inside the convenience store, James pulls out a 12 pack of Coors from the cooler. He tucks the box under his left arm, rips open the box with his right hand, grabs a can and pops it open and begins to chug the beer right in the aisle. A couple meters away is Goldbear II, chewing into a 24 pack of Miller Lite while a store clerk carefully mops up the spill-over around him. Venom marches over from the bathroom and spins James to face him.
: JAMES! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS!
James doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look upset, just looks at Venom with beer running down his beard.
: What’s there to talk about?
: James… You can’t just block this out. I know… I know personally that drinking isn’t the answer, James. We just need to discuss t-
: There is nothing to discuss. It’s over.
: How? How is it possibly over?
: It’s… It’s done! He’s gone! He’s… He’ll stay out there in the fucking woods, Venom. He’s a fuckin b-… He belongs out there.
: That’s foolish… and that’s not the only thing we need to talk about. What the fuck was all that, James?
: What?
: You tried to make me slaughter a fucking pig, James.
: You had no problem with killing Mongo when we origina-
: That’s not… You know what I’m talking about.
: Look, man… Clear your mind! Focus on Night of Champions coming up. We have to defend our tag team titles against the… New Age Outlaws?
: Killers…
: New Age Killers… We’re not fighting cancer kids this time, Venom.. They could be our toughest opponents yet. Now… I don’t know anything about them, and honestly I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard of them before, but… What happened tonight, I did it with our best interest in mind. I did it for the group… The result wasn’t what I had in mind. My Cajun’s a little rusty, I don’t think the doctor understand exactly what I was asking…
: James…. You tried to make me slaughter a pig…
James sighs and looks at his beer… He then shoves a can into Venom’s chest, spilling some into Venom’s shirt. Venom grabs it.
: It was just a pig, V. Lighten up.
James walks away and cracks open another beer while heading to the cashier near the entrance. Venom looks at the beer in his hand, snarls at James, and then throws the beer to the floor. Venom sighs and walks past Goldbear II and eventually James, and walks outside towards the rental car. He walks up to the car, facing away from the convenience store, and sits on the hood facing out to the dark two lane road they came in on. To his left is a Georgia state forest, and waaaay off to his right in the far away distance is the bright lights of Minneapolis. Venom begins to breath heavy.
: ...that… pig…
SQUEEEE SQUEEEEEEE
: ...Oh my god…
Venom closes his eyes and puts his right hand over his chest.
SQUEEEEEEE SQUEEEEEEE
: Jesus Christ… It sounds so real…
Venom opens his eyes to a wild hog running by coming from the forest, squealing like a… pig. Venom rubs his eyes to make sure he’s seeing this correctly, until suddenly a deer runs by as well. Then another deer… and another. And a small turtle with a cracked shell. Venom then gets off the hood and takes a couple steps towards the forest, he looks out. His eyes begin to widen…
: ...Oh shit.
James stumbles out of the convenience store and is instantly cut off by a deer jolting across his path, causing James to drop the last half of his 12 pack of Coors to the curb.
: The hell?
James forgets about the beer and looks around, noticing more deer and owls and rabbits just running from the forest. James makes his way to the rental car and notices Venom standing on the other side of it, looking off into the woods. James walks up to Venom and then looks off into the woods from where they drove in from…They notice more and more wild animals escaping the woods.
: We have to go now…
: Yeah…
Both men make their way back to the rental car and quickly hop in. James honks the horn repeatedly until suddenly Goldbear II breaks through the sliding glass entrance to the convenience store, spraying cans of beer everywhere around him as he hustles to the rental car. Goldbear II tries to squeeze into the backseat again, worming around until Goldbear II finds himself on his back, and his bear cock and balls hang loose outside the door. James slams on the gas pedal with his foot and the rental car spins out of the parking lot, nearly grazing a pair of deer on the way out. Venom turns the passenger seat and grabs onto Goldbear II so he doesn’t slide out. As he does this, Venom looks out of the back window to see none other than the original Goldbear emerging and giving chase once again.
: Gotta go faster
: I’m trying
: Go faster
: I’m going as fast as I can!
James and the rental car mange to run over rabbit after rabbit as Goldbear continues to close in. Goldbear gets right up on the trunk of the car and takes a swipe at it, knocking out a tail light. Venom leans back and into the automatic shifter, somehow knocking it into neutral.
: FASTER MUST GO FASTER
: GET OFF THE STICK!
Goldbear begins to swipe left and right at the end of the car as the car slows down. Goldbear suddenly hammerfists the rear window out, shattering glass onto Goldbear II. Goldbear II turns and snarls at Goldbear. With his first look and knowledge of Goldbear II’s existence, the complexion on Goldbear’s face turns from anger to confusion. Goldbear suddenly slows down to a jog. Venom leans forward and James shifts back into drive, slamming on the gas again, and the rental car gains speed and distance away from Goldbear II.
: You think they’ll have that on the Pay Per View?
The car continues to drive off, running over another rabbit. We fade out, and back in on Death Trap in a local supermarket. Yep it's a local supermarket. It has all the trappings and is local to YOU! The viewer! If you are close to Venom's Gym ... We open up on DT walking the aisles ... still sans pants. His cart is nearly full ... he has all the necessities: pudding, yogurt, cheese, tampons, pimple cream, diapers (adult and child), beef jerky, a cheap DVD, pistachios, a large stuffed animal and one of those huge balls they sell in those steel cages*
: Ok that is almost everything. I need jelly for my sandwiches. Oh and bread. And peanut butter. And fluff. And pickles. And honey. And tuna.
*He looks around. He is in the cereal aisle.*
: Oh wow everything I just mentioned in one place!
*He grabs Captain Crunch: Oops All Berries.*
: Best sandwiches ever! I WIN!
*For no reason he superkicks an employee who goes crashing into the shelving unit and the aisles all topple like dominoes.*
: Er um ... charge it all to Mongo the Destroyer, I represent the XHF. On official business. With Randy Angel and Tequila Kitty!
*He points to a cardboard cutout of Jeff Goldblum which is taped to a giant novelty stuffed ... um ... well female genitalia. FOr the kiddies ya know. Mongo isn't going to like getting this bill ... Fade out and back into the arena where the staff have wheeled out a space pod, of generic variety while we were away. There is also a launch ramp to connect with the space pod. Looks like we’re ready to go for the next match!
*"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. Evil is petting the stuffed Whitey the Cat the Borg. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs until the match starts.*
*The White Stripes's "Seven Nation Army (Team Tron Mix)" blasts over the speakers as the Xtremetron shows the words, "THE FUTURE!!" then clicks to show the words "ALL THE" and "TRON" one on top of the other. The gunman from . . . THE FUTURE emerges and does some really awesome gun play (like Ocelot in Metal Gear Solid 3) using his FUTURE Blaster! . . . A toy six shooter straight from the toy collection of John Wayne memorabilia. Saber emerges and makes some poses. Techno emerges doing swordplay. Xtreme also does poses. Nano and Mini just raise there arms in the air. They move to the ring continuing to do ridiculous things. The crowd has broken into full TECHNO DANCE MODE from the theme and the lights are going funky like at a club. The Trons back into their corner and pose as everything returns to normal ... except the Trons... they stay posed ... and epic.*
The bell rings and the Trons figure out who will start the match. The rest leave the ring as Saber and Shogun stay behind. Evil and Heavy Metal Borg stand at the ready and await the Trons to come to them. The Trons however know not to rush into the enemy corner and also stay back. Both teams stare each other down, sizing each other up, almost as if some sort of Samurai mental battle before engaging in physical combat. Perhaps something learned from ...THE FUTURE, or ...THE AFTERWARD, or both. Perhaps they’re not so different? Anyway, the match seems slow to start as both teams seem to stand there for what feels like ages, but is only maybe a minute. Finally something happens when Mini Tron decides to climb into the ring and run across the periphery of the Borgs. Evil takes the opportunity to swipe at the littlest Tron, with his eye off the ball Shogun Tron charges in and hits Evil with a clothesline sending him to the mat. Heavy doesn't like that very much and grabs Shogun by the back of the shoulders and throws him to the floor. With this opening, Saber then charges in and hits a beautiful drop kick on Heavy Metal, sending him back into the corner. Saber quickly gets back up to his feet and charges into the corner, jumping on to Heavy and sending him out with a monkey flip.
Evil and Shogun collect their thoughts as they both get up from the floor, right next to each other, back-to-back. They bump into each other and then immediately turn around and start throwing fisticuffs. Punching back-and-forth until Evil starts to get the upper hand, and then delivers a knife edge chop. Shogun holds his chest in the agony, then retaliates with a chop of his own. Evil recoils in pain. Then he goes for another chop. Meanwhile, Mini has never left the ring, and is now crawling behind Evil. Shogun delivers another chop at Evil, sending him backward and he trips over Mini and lands flat against the floor. A few feet away, Heavy Metal has gotten back up to his knees and Saber immediately dives in with a shining wizard. Saber then starts rolling Heavy towards the space pod, trying to end this match early. But when he gets to the ropes, Heavy puts his arms up to block himself from going out of the ring. Heavy then hits an elbow to the face mask of Saber, sending him reeling backward. Evil gets up to both knees and pushes Mini down for having tripped him. Shogun doesn't take too kindly to his little buddy getting knocked down and delivers a super kick to the chin of the kneeling Evil Borg. Evil falls over like a sack of potatoes.
Shogun then turns his attention to Heavy Metal, who is trying to get up off the mat. Shogun then grabs Heavy and locks him into a suplex position. Saber joins him and they deliver a double suplex. Heavy Metal sits up holding his back in pain. Shogun and Saber then get on either side of Heavy and each one grab an arm and a leg and they pull Heavy up high into the air, and then let go causing him to land with a thud on the mat. As the two are double teaming Heavy, Evil Borg has crawled back to his corner and grabs something. He uses the turnbuckles to help himself up, and Saber Tron realizes that Evil has stirred, so he heads over to that corner. He turns Evil around and Evil Borg swings the stuffed Whitey the Cat the Borg by the tail into Saber’s face! A cloud of cat fur flies into the air as this long dead cat smacks him in the mask. Evil then puts the claws of Whitey into the shoulder of Saber, almost like a shoulder nerve pinch, but with cat claws. Saber goes down to his knees in pain. Mini rushes over and kicks Evil in the shin, causing him to let go of Saber, and then Mini gives a palm strike to Whitey, sending the stuffed cat flying into the aisle way.
Shogun has kept up on Heavy, who has yet to get any major offence in this match, with punches on the mat. Evil Borg delivers a knee to Mini’s face. Then does a spinning back fist into the kneeling Saber Tron, sending him to the mat. Evil Borg turns his attention to Shogun and attacks him with a running knee strike! Evil Borg then grabs at Shogun by the back and throws him shoulder first into the ring post nearby.
Shogun falls out of the ring holding his shoulder in pain. Xtreme Tron jumps up on the apron yelling at Evil Borg, Evil slaps him across the mask. Xtreme Tron looks angry and Evil just laughs. Evil then slaps him again! Xtreme Tron doesn't seem to be taking this lightly, and now is trying to enter the ring, and as he gets one leg in, Evil Borg kicks the middle rope, thus delivering an assisted low blow to Xtreme Tron! He falls to the apron holding his futuristic jewels. Evil laughs and then kicks Xtreme off of the apron, sending him tumbling to the floor. Heavy Metal has rolled out of the ring on the other side and is searching under the apron and pulls out a chair. He slides back into the ring and Saber is getting back to his feet when Heavy hits him across the back with a chair! Saber crumbles back to the mat. Heavy turns his attention to Mini Tron and Mini immediately starts running away. Heavy chases him around the ring with the chair overhead. Nano will have none of this however and jumps into the ring behind Heavy Metal. He grabs the chair and pulls it away. Heavy turns around and Nano raises the chair, but then remembers that Trons don’t need weapons and drops the chair. Heavy then kicks Nano in the gut, grabs both his arms, trapping them under his own armpits, and delivers multiple headbutts, the Headbanger’s Ball! Nano falls holding his forehead. Heavy turns around right into the arms of Shogun who grabs him with a yurinagi, jumps into the air pulling Heavy with him, and hits the Space-Time Continuum!
Evil has finally finished laughing at Xtreme and realizes what’s going on. He goes to attack Shogun, but Shogun ducks and then Shogun hits Evil with a massive chop. Evil holds his chest in pain and Shogun pulls out his FUTURE BLASTER! He points at Evil and shoots a ping pong ball into Evil’s face. Evil just stares at him. Shogun fires again and a suction cup dart sticks to his stomach. Evil just shakes his head. Shogun then shoots a paper ball at Evil’s direction, as he goes to swat it away, Saber hits him from the side with a superkick! With both Borg’s down, Saber and Shogun grab each one, but they’re dead weight. So Nano and Xtreme now join in lifting them up off the mat. Mini too, but it’s not that much help. Techno goes over and pulls on the ropes, making it easier for the Trons to throw the Borg’s into the pod. However, on their way to deposit the Borgs, the lights go out.
As the arena is drapped in darkness, a lightning bolt emenates from the ceiling, hitting a ring post. Then another bolt hits another post. Some space age timey wimey music emanates throughout the arena, and the lights return! A group stands between the Trons and victory! It’s Gold-Borg with a diaper bag over his shoulder, Ye Olde Borg Thob (being held by Slain), and Mini Borg holding Whitey the Cat the Borg! The Trons drop Heavy and Evil and prepare for more battle. Slain throws Thob into the chest of Saber Tron, knocking him down. Mini Borg throws Whitey at Nano, who catches the cat and starts to have a sneezing fit! Gold throws his baby’s diaper bag at Xtreme, and then hits Xtreme with a clothesline! Mini Borg jumps on Mini Tron with a Lou Thez press and starts wailing away. Slain runs at Saber and Shogun who try to hit him with a double clothesline, but he ducks, rolls next to Thob, and then throws her like a bowling ball, tripping both Trons!
Evil gets back to his feet and pulls Shogun up off the mat, lifts him on his shoulders, and hits a Death Valley Driver. Evil then stands over Shogun’s head, looks down at him, runs into the ropes, bounces back, leans toward Shogun and shakes his fist, then drops and hits The Iron Fist! Heavy is also back to his feet and runs to the ropes, then does a forward roll into a senton, landing on Saber with the Axl Roll! Gold Borg pulls Xtreme Tron up by the wrist, and hits a Golden Rain Maker! He keeps the wrist held and pulls him up again and throws him into Heavy, who bends Xtreme over, lifts him up into a crucifix position, and drops him with the Motley Crue-cifix! Mini Borg lifts Mini Tron up with a belly to back and holds him up for Evil to grab Mini Tron and fling him backward with an Olympic slam, known as the Domination! Nano’s allergies are finally starting to calm down when Slain swings Thob as hard as he can into the face of Nano, knocking him down. Saber is back up and charges at Gold Borg, but he ducks and Saber is running at Heavy Metal, who sprays purple mist into Saber’s face, the Purple Haze! He goes down wiping at his mask. Evil hits Techno with a Bicycle Kick, sending him back into a corner. He then lifts Techno onto a turnbuckle. Mini Borg gains Evil’s attention and points him toward Shogun. With all the other Trons down, Shogun is slow to his feet and surrounded by all the Borgs!
Shogun puts up his fists and the Borgs all rush in. Shogun pushes one back with a palm strike, punches another, elbows another, the Borgs get in a few punches here and there, but Shogun is doing his best to stay on his feet. He goes for a kick to Slain, then another palm strike to Gold Borg. Heavy kicks Shogun in the back of the leg. Evil hits him with an uppercut. Slain jabs Thob into Shogun’s gut. Then they all start pummeling Shogun with fists and stomps until he’s down on the ground, unmoving. The Borgs all then grab at Shogun and lift his lifeless body overhead, like a sadistic crowd surf. They start heading in unison toward the side of the ring with the pod.
Just as they are about to throw Shogun, The White Stripes's "Seven Nation Army (Team Tron Mix)" blasts over the speakers again. The Borgs freeze, looking at each other in confusion. A hawk sound effect plays and a flash of fireworks go off! Taka Tron comes flying down from the rafters with her wing cape flowing beautifully (and a harness)!
The female Tron hits the middle of the ring with a super hero landing. Removes the harness, and takes a judo pose. The Borgs look at each other, and then start laughing, causing them to drop Shogun to the floor. Slain, holding Thob, walks up to Taka and looks her up and down. He wistles at her, and she grabs his lips with one hand and squeezes. He writhes in pain, but holding Thob, can’t really do anything. Taka stomps on his foot, and then gives him a roundhouse kick over Thob, knocking him down. The other Borgs stop laughing and Mini Borg charges at Taka, but she hits him with a leg sweep. She gets back up into her stance. Heavy charges and swings at her, she ducks. He then tries to hit her with the Purple Haze, but she moves to the size, and then hits a throat chop, making him choke on his mist! Evil charges and Taka leaps over him. He turns around and she hits him with a chop to the shoulder. Then a kick to the ribs. Then a knee to the face. She turns around and Gold Borg is staring in disbelief. He then digs his feet into the mat and gets ready to fight. Taka Tron gets back into her stance and tells him to bring it, Bruce Lee style. Gold Borg takes a step forward, then turns around and darts out of the ring. He looks at his wrist like there was a watch there, but there is not, and says he has to go check on his baby.
Taka helps Shogun up to his feet and shakes him awake. Shogun picks up Whitey and awaits Heavy to turn around. When he does, Shogun smacks him in the face with the stuffed cat! Heavy falls back and Techno is still up on the turnbuckle. He stands up, and then jumps off with a Shooting Star Press onto Heavy Metal! (Note, it hurts even more due to Techno’s spiky armor.) Mini-Tron picks up Mini-Borg, kicks him in the gut, and hits him with a Mini-Stunner! Nano pulls Thob away from Slain, swings Thob low, and then up between Slain’s legs! He drops Thob and she just walks away, sniffing Whitey to see if he’s edible. Nano runs to the ropes, springboards off the rope, moonsaulting back toward Slain, and hits him with the FUTURE FLIP! Saber Tron gets behind Evil Borg as he slowly gets to his feet. Saber grabs both arms, making Evil’s arms make an X, and suplexs him with the Saber X-plex! The impact causes Evil to roll backward and get back onto his feet, although dazed. He stumbles forward and Shogun grabs him by the mask and slams him to the mat with the Shogun Fury!
Shogun rolls Evil Borg to the side of the ring, and pushes him into the space pod! Techno and Nano are pulling Heavy Metal by the arms and pushes him out of the ring and into the space pod! Saber grabs the lid of the pod and closes it shut!
Winners of the space pod match: The Trons!
The Trons back away from the pod as Slain, Thob, and Mini Borg slink away from the ring. “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” starts to play over the speakers and the Trons all make their respective famous poses, then salute. The space pod “starts up” and then blasts off! And by blast off, I mean follows along that launch ramp set up in front of it, maybe going up to about 40 mph (about 64 kph for other people), before getting to the end of the ramp! The pod goes flying through the air and pierces the giant screen, then lands somewhere backstage.
That’s the end of the Gun Show: Night of Bears card, but where are the Guns? What is going on with that bear like creature that is chasing them? Well we are not done yet…
We cut back to the interior of the rental car, driving over gravel through another patch of forest in Minnesota. James is still driving and still looking bugged eye. Next to him in the passenger side is Venom, his mobile phone illuminates his face looking concerned while he swipes the phone screen. Behind them sleeps Goldbear II underneath the shattered back window. James looks down into the dash and begins to look a little concerned himself.
: Shit… Venom..
: Says here we’re only a little over an hour away from Minneapolis.
: Yeah but we only have about fifteen minutes of gas left in the tank.
: You… You didn’t fill up at the gas station?
: Me? It’s not my fault!
: That’s not what I’m saying, James… At least… That wasn’t originally what I meant…
: I was going to pump it after I took care of… more important matters.
: What’s more important than the fucking gas??
James avoids eye contact with Venom as he tries to sneak a sip of an open Coors can. Venom snatches it out of his hand and tosses it out of the broken back window.
: Are you fucked?!
: I just saw my fucking gold-uncle-bear-thing come back from the dead, yeah I’m a bit fucked right now! What do you think, Venom?!
: What the hell were you expecting??
: We were going to be Gods, Venom… We were going to harness his power, we would be invincible.
: Invincible? If Goldbear was invincible, he wouldn’t have been dead to begin with, James!
: Well, he’s not anymore. Haven’t seen that shit before, ya know? I would think that anything that can be brought back from being dead should be considerable pretty god damn invincible…
Venom glares at James. James glares back. Goldbear II farts in his sleep. James narrows his vision and looks past Venom for a second, before applying the brakes. Venom looks confused but then looks to his right where James is focused. Just a bit into the forest off the road is an older wood cabin with a station wagon parked in front, and the inside visibly lit through the windows by a fireplace indoors. They nod to each other and James turns off the road into a driveway that leads up to the cabin. The rental car pulls up and parks next to the station wagon. Out steps James and Venom. As James makes his way up to the front door of the cabin, Venom turns his attention back to Goldbear II, who struggles to get himself out of the car. James knocks on the door of the front door.
: Hey hey, whoa whoa…
Goldbear II plops backwards out of the back of the rental car, landing on his bear ass. He sits there and looks to Venom next to him.
: Maybe it’s best if you stay here, watch the car. Honk the horn if… If things get weird out here.
Venom shrugs to Goldbear II, who doesn’t really listen and starts wondering away from the car. Venom turns to look at the front of the cabin, just as the front door closes and James is not in sight. Venom rolls his eyes, walks up and approaches the front door and lets himself in. James isn’t in sight but the fireplace fickers the big front room, illuminating a red couch and chair adorned with dead bear skins, and the dead bear heads that litter the walls as taxidermy trophies.
: James…
James pops in from the door on the far right of the front. He emerges with a beer in his hand and a raggedly looking book in the other.
: Look what I found. Beer… and… a book bound by human flesh.
: Neat!
James looks at both items in his hands and then tosses the book to Venom. He then pops open the can and starts drinking as he wonders off.
: Nobody’s here, it’s odd.
James walks into the left room, an office with bookshelves and a tape player with a small microphone. James notices a notepad and begins to look through the notes. Venom stands nearby, grabbing and lighting a nearby oil lamp, and looking at the stuffed bear heads closely.
: This is creeping me out… James, we just need to get some gas… Let’s siphon some out of the station wagon in front and get going.
: It appears whoever was here was working on a straight to tape… podcast.
: About what?
: Something called… The Necronomicon?
Suddenly, thunder and lightning outside, despite being a pretty clear night when they entered.
: ...Sounds dumb.
Venom tosses the book of the dead into the fireplace without a second thought.
: Yeah… Just odd.
James is about to press play on the tape player, but his finger stops before it reaches the Play button. James notices something on the shelf above the tape player… He reaches into the shelf, pulls out a black cassette tape case. He opens that, opens the tape deck of the tape player, and swaps the tapes. He shuts the cassette, presses player, and turns up the volume dial. As James Mueller walks away, a song begins to pick up where the tape left off…
: Venom… You need to leave.
: What?
James walks up to Venom, and puts his right hand on Venom’s shoulder.
: I think this is the end for you and me…
Venom moves James hand off of him and takes a step back.
: ...What are you saying, James?
: I’m saying… I think this is the end of the GUNS.
: What?
: I’m the one he wants, Venom… And if it means I have to take one for the team, even if it means destroying the team… Then so be it.
James walks past Venom and out of the front door. Outside in the moonlight, Goldbear II rolls forward over his head and lays in the grass in the front yard. Meanwhile, James followed closely by Venom rush over to the vehicles. James grabs a siphon hose and a couple of spare gas tanks. Venom takes the siphon tube and slides it into the station wagon and begins to suck on one end. Gas suddenly rushes through the hose and Venom sticks the open end into a small gallon portable gas tank.
: What are you going to do, James?
: I’m going to end it, even if I have to burn it all down.
James takes the siphon hose out of the small gallon tank and sticks it into the rental car as gas continues to siphon out. James and Venom walk up to the entrance of the cabin, behind them a rabbit scurries by. James places the small tank down and turns to face Venom.
: I’m sorry… Venom… About all of this.
: James… It’s entirely your fault.
: … Thanks, man. I really appreciate that.
Venom shrugs.
: Look…
James reaches to the XHF Tag Team Championship belt around his waist and undoes it. He slings it over Venom’s right shoulder to hold.
: If I don’t make it… Defend these with pride. Maybe you can even find yourself a better tag team partner than I was…
: Yeah, maybe Charlie Velez will come out of retirement...
: … I mean… You think him on hiatus for ten years if better than me right now?
: There’s also Goldbear II…
Venom nods his head over to Goldbear II near the vehicles. Goldbear II can be seen lunging at a dear trying to scamper through but the dear gets just by him with about 3 others. Goldbear II hangs his head and returns to the rental car’s backseat.
: Hey… man…
: Magnus-
: Enough! I get it. Damn. The low blow wasn’t necessary.
James turns away from Venom and goes into the cabin with the gasoline. Venom walks back o the vehicles. James uncaps the gasoline and starts pouring it on the floor when he hears the rental cars horn and then footsteps coming from the back. James drops the gasoline canister down and then pulls out a lighter. Out of the darkness steps Goldbear, the original… He eyes James… But he doesn’t seem enraged.
: James… Wait…
: ...Since when could you… talk?
: It’s me… Your uncle...
James looks confused… Because while technically Goldberg was his uncle before turning into Goldbear, Goldbear is still his uncle as well since he’s actually Goldberg but thinks he’s a bear named Goldbear instead of Goldberg because it’s a play on words, I replaced the “-berg” of Goldberg with “-bear” for Goldbear ever since Goldberg hit his head in a wrestling-related incident and started believing he was a real bear named Goldbear.
: I don’t know what’s going on, James… I need your help… I’m losing long stretches of memory...
: I can help… I can kill you.
: ...Excuse me?
: Yeah! I just have to light this gasoline on fire and you just have to promise you’ll stay here for the whole thing.
Goldbear stares at James, a bit heartbroken maybe, but also confused as to why death is the first option on the table.
: And just… die. Simple enough.
: I was thinking more.. Professional… help…
: Where you don’t die?
: Yes. Preferably..
: ...eh…
Goldbear suddenly reaches for his chest and starts grabbing at his heart. He falls to his knees and starts digging his claws into the ground.
: Oh, perfect! A heart attack would be really convenient right now…
Goldbear starts growling like a bear instead of an older Jewish wrestler…. James grabs the oil lantern and tries to light it but struggles. Goldbear doesn’t physically transform, but he does start growling louder and louder. Goldbear stands up feet on the ground and sniffs the air. He eyes Mueller, who finally gets the lamp lit with a seperate lighter. Before James can do anything with the lantern, Goldbear smacks it out of his hands, sending the lantern into the front door and lighting it on fire. James tries to block the fire near him with his arm but both him and Goldbear fall to the ground and the fire grows.
Outside, Venom’s already backing the car out of the drive before the cabin was even set on fire and he whips it out onto the gravel road. He peels the tires out in the gravel and suddenly takes off for Minneapolis again.
Back in the cabin, smoke begins to fill the ceiling of the Cabin as the fire spreads out over the taxidermied bears. James covers his mouth with his shirt and crawls quickly over to a cellar door in the floor. He flips the door open and starts to crawl in before sliding down the stairs all the way to the bottom. He holds his ribs in pain as he pushes himself up to his feet. He looks around the dark cellar that has a dirt floor, water dripping from the ground and pipes around, and some other spooky shit until he suddenly notices someone else. An old woman, who stands out from under the stairs that James just crawled down. She puts herself between him and the cellar door…
Somebody’s in my fruit cellar…
: That’s cute.
[/i]Somebody with a fresh soul![/i]
: Excuse me?!
The Old Woman sticks her hands out to grab James Mueller until Goldbear falls on top of her from the cellar hatch. He then begins to maul her out of confusion and bear anger. One less meth head. The fire reaches the gas canister and really gets out of control, causing the wood floors above them in the cellar to start to crack and fall amongst James and Goldbear. The two eye each other, as wood ash circles around and wood beams start to glow from the fire itself. James slowly backs away from Goldbear, who steps off of the dead old woman towards James.
: Goldberg… Uncle… I know you’re in there…
: Rawr!
Goldbear swipes at James, and as James jumps back to avoid he hits a support beam, loose enough to fall over. As the support beam tumbles over, so does the floor above the two, sending hot ember down into the cellar between them. The wood burns into Goldbear’s fur and he lets out of a yelp.
: Yelp!
Goldbear finds himself surrounded by burning debris from the Cabin above them, but James finds himself closer to the only other exit, a stairwell that leads to the outside through a double door hatch. James quickly makes his way to the stairs and pops open the doors. He stops and looks back to the cellar beginning to burn… Goldbear finds himself trapped and surrounded. He makes eye contact with James.
: James! I… I hate you.
: What?
: This is Goldberg speaking… I fucking hate you.
: Why??
: You killed me.
: But-
Goldbear: Again.
James looks at his feet… And then runs up the stairs to the safety of outside. He falls over upon stepping out, rolls to his butt, and sits up looking at the cabin completely engulfed in flames. Wood is very burnable.
: Sorry, uncle.
James see’s a spider near him.
: Oh GOD A SPIDER
James quickly gets to his feet, losing his footing though and stumbles into in the woods away from the cabin. He rolls down a steep hill, narrowly avoiding some rocks and trees before finally rolling out through some bushes into a gravel road. A car swerves to avoid James and slams on the brakes… Venom pops his head out of the driver side door.
: ...James? Is that you?
James pulls himself up using the car. Behind him a giant fireball erupts into the sky from where the cabin is.
: ...Let’s go… Night of Champions is just around the corner…
: What about Goldbear?
: He’s done… It’s done. He’s dead and I’m not going to resurrect him, again.
James opens the passenger door and plumps down, looking exhausted. Venom looks at the fire and then at James. He then glances at his cell phone and quickly deletes a text that was going to go out to “R. Arnold, C. Bauer, and R. Eeshi.” Venom shuts the driver side door with him in the driver’s seat, and shifts the car back into drive, before continuing towards Minneapolis. James passes out almost immediately. The car approaches a clearing in the forest and drives past a sign with “XHF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS, JULY 29TH. 40 MILES.”