Life's a bitch and so are you!!!
Jun 4, 2019 19:09:39 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, vastrix, and 1 more like this
Post by senorv on Jun 4, 2019 19:09:39 GMT -5
Senor Vinnie presents: “Who turned out the lights??”
Starring: Senor Vinnie as Senor Vinnie
Cactus Pete acting a double role as Cactus Pete as well as the invisible cactus that keeps popping up every few moments.
Camera man Bob: He wanted to hold the mic broom for a change
Mike Broom holder Bob: He is the twin brother of camera Bob, you get the drill. They wanted to swap places
And of course, last but not least
Coffee Lady Sally: A 99 year old retired coffee lady who is stuck in her wheel chair, but can still make a mean Late.
But now on to the story:
Narrator: In a Galaxy far, far, far…. Well basically it is Tijuana, Mexico. But according to some that place is a universe upon its own. But secretly it is the center of the world that everything evolves around, why you may ask?? Well I would wager my year…. Errr month…. Errr… oh fuck it, I will wager five bucks that we have the oldest coffee lady still active in the world. Try to Brexit that England!!!
Apologies we have some technical difficulties, we will be right back after these messages
*Off camera*
Narrator: What do you mean there’s a 101 year old bat that has been glued to a coffee machine somewhere in Perth, England?? Oh for fuck sakes!! Now I cannot buy myself a pack of new chewing gums that they just recently put on the market with cherry flavored mint taste!!!
*The commercial has ended*
Narrator: Welcome back after our unfortunate technical difficulties have been restored and as I have mentioned, our second oldest coffee lady can make a mean late. But seeing that 99 is the new 101, we are going to stick with the center of all that is pointing to Tijuana, Mexico. Due to the gravity has breached it’s high point due to the many platinum records that Senor Vinnie has obtained during his so far successful career!! Who can forget his passionate duet with Barbara Streisand?? Their chart topping song of: “Where has my pussy go?? Of course I am referring to the animal and not some wild fantasies of every puberty hitting kid as well as those who have gotten into their midlife crises!! Settle down you dweebs!!! And of course many have followed ever since. But something has changed into the life o Senor Vinnie, something that he has decided to come clean to each and every of you that has supported him into his quest for greatness. But even with all the hits, all the successes and all the love that he has garnered throughout the many months that Riot Star Wrestling has been attempting to deal with him. There has been something that he has kept secret, not wanting his personal life being exposed for those who just love a good dramatic feel.
Senor Vinnie: It is tough for me to tell about this Narrator and I am thankful that Pete is here with me to support me.
Narrator: Indeed it has Senor Vinnie, but perhaps your courage to open up to the world to witess may help others with a similar situation that you have endured for months now. I…
Senor Vinnie stops the narrator and whispers something in his ear
Narrator: Apologies, I have been informed that this life threatening problem just recently happened a few days ago. Nonetheless, it is something that we must be able to discuss and thankfully we can do that over a nice hot cup of latte, sponsored by El Magnifico’s Latte!! If you enjoy the latte long enough, you may taste the burrito inside of you!!!
The camera clumsily turns over towards Senor Vinnie, causing his face to emerge on screen but his hair has been cut off from the screen as the camera is clearly zooming in too much on him. Broom holder Bob clearly has been confused with the zoom in and out button and is struggling to get a clear view of the former Anarchy champion. It has gone so badly that the camera has zoomed in on his nose hairs, who are sweeping from left to right with every breath he inhales and exhales.
Senor Vinnie: I have come to you fine people of Tijuana, Mexico. And the remainder of the entire world to discuss my mental problem that I have been struggling with all my…..
He looks at Cactus Pete and nods his head afterwards
Senor Vinnie: All my past 2 days, yes 2 days amigo’s and amiga’s. Two days I have been in a dark place mentally, 2 days I could not think on whether I should eat a Burrito or a Nacho. And you Mexicans know that this is a traditional past time happening in the lives of us Mexicans. Being taught to do so since our birth, instead of drinking milk we drank the Nacho cheese fluids that our madres saved for us throughout the 9 months of them being in labor. And you can tell by my perfect toned body, I need a lot no??
The broom holder Bob attempts to locate the stomach of Senor Vinnie, who had stood up for the situation to emphasize his statement even more. Showing his massive girth that he believes is nothing more than a six pack of muscular abs. But it’s more or less a six pack of Tequila.
Senor Vinnie: Ouch!! Who did that???!!!
Senor Vinnie turns around, looking down to the chair that he just wanted to sit back on as he is looking for something. But clearly there’s nothing there, he then turns his attention to his cactus Pete.
Senor Vinnie: Did you play a joke on me amigo??
Cactus Pete:……
Senor Vinnie: No, I am not asking if you believe that I need to see a shrink?? I am asking you if you were playing a joke on me??
Cactus Pete:…..
Senor Vinnie slowly and hesitantly sits down, worried that he would feel the pain once more but doesn’t. After a few more moments of staring at his cactus friend, he remembers why he came here and turns his attention to the broom that was hitting him in the head.
Senor Vinnie: HEY!! Keep that thing higher!!!
Camera Bob: Sorry Senor, but this thing is heavy man!!
Senor Vinnie’s eyes roll as he ignores him and turns his attention to the statement that he had written down on a piece of paper.
Senor Vinnie: Dear members of the jury…. Err dear viewers that have took time from their busy or perhaps not busy schedule to listen to my problem. As I have stated earlier, I have been having a problem that needs to be addressed for a few days. I am being haunted by a stinging sensation that I could only compare to as to my cactus friend Pete. Why you may ask? Well, let me just say that I have been stung by him on many of occasions when we went into our traditional arm wrestling contest. And si amigo’s and amiga’s. Cactus Pete to this very day is undefeated. But the whole problem is that, every time that I get stung… I do not see where it is coming from. It is as I am haunted by a ghost version of Pete.
He looks over to his cactus and then turns his attention to the camera that is clearly out of zoom as the camera Bob has to give some advice to his Broom holder Bob. Causing him to point the broom a total different direction that causes a long part of the statement that Senor Vinnie is saying not to be picked up until the broom is being placed back to the same place.
Senor Vinnie: And I feel that with all of you donating 100 dollars, I could finance a security around me that would stop this invisible terrorizing that I have been endu… ahhh!!!!
His hands suddenly rise upwards to his face and we can see him using his fingers to reach for something and pull something out of his face.
Senor Vinnie: DID YOU CAUGHT THAT ON TAPE???!!!
Broom Holder Bob: Caught what??? I just figured out how black and white needs to be turned off senor.
Senor Vinnie: I just got stung!! And you haven’t filmed it???
Camera man Bob: Nah man, you didn’t told us that this was for real?? We thought that you would do a trail run first man. Here, the camera is now recording man
The camera got turned on, recording an irate and confused Senor Vinnie as he is staring at the two Bobs. He then turns his attention to Pete and grins.
Senor Vinnie: Thankfully Pete has brought his infra-red camera. He told me that it could attract heat and I am sure that he will be able to shed life into my problem.
He grabs the camera and starts to rewind the tape and starts to watch it, looking at the shapes that has to be himself.
Senor Vinnie: I knew that I was a radio active stud!! I am all heated up baby!!!
A red light bulb is in front of the camera as suddenly a white cactus like figure flies in front of him that was caught by the infra-red camera and sharp pointy white objects gets shot into his face. Senor Vinnie’s mouth drops wide open, not believing that what he is seeing.
Senor Vinnie: Pete!! I know what has happened to your late and great twin brother Pedro!! He is haunting me!!!
Cactus Pete: ……..
Senor Vinnie: You are just as funny as a lame promo from Andi Snow Pete. Seriously, I never imagined that he would rise from the dead and would attack me. I mean sure, I could envision him to ghost up…., but to haunt me?? I always gave him the opportunity to hit the pinata.
Cactus Pete: …..
Senor Vinnie turns to cactus Pete with an annoyed look on his face.
Senor Vinnie: How could I have known that growing up that he had created a fear for large flying objects on a rope hanging from a pole?? Although it does explain why he always ran of screaming. Are you thinking that Pedro may not like me???
Cactus Pete: …….
Senor Vinnie: Seriously, if I would have gotten a nickel every time you said that… then I would have a nickel by now. Bu I cannot believe that your brother Pedro…. ARRRGHH!!! He hit me again!!!
Cactus Pete: …..
Senor Vinnie: SI!! SI!! I believe you now that he is just using me as a living Pinata!! What must I do?? Run away like he always did???
Cactus Pete:……..
Senor Vinnie: YOU B****D!!!!!
Suddenly the shot stops as we see a camera shot widen and Senor Vinnie looking at a TV screen that is attached to an old VHS tape recorder as he looks at his cactus Pete friend in front of him on the table.
Senor Vinnie: I am glad we got that evil ghost brother of yours Pete, he was a real meanie.
The camera turns towards the cactus as Senor Vinnie yawns and then turns his attention to the camera.
Senor Vinnie: This was so relevant as a Bobbi Snow promo
Cactus Pete: ……
Senor Vinnie: I know her name is Andi for crying out loud!! Just ironing any possible confusing moments out of this whole charade okay?? I mean seriously, who watches VHS these days???
Cactus Pete:….
Senor Vinnie: Oh I am sorry, I forgot that you are such a nostalgia act that to this very day you are still talking about your long lost brother. Who I am to this very day am still not convinced that you threw him into the holy water of St. Padre Luca Cathedral. But seeing that I did see something bubble in the water, I will give you the benefit o the doubt that you are right. Something that I am having difficulties assuing that Andi is sane. I mean seriously?? I had always thought that she was related to Snow.
Cactus Pete: …..
Senor Vinnie: You know, the infamous rapper. Snow… white?? Jeez, do I have to literally spill out the beans for you?? it’s quite obvious that some chicks are fans, some are just haters. And some are just too stupid to even phantom the thought of being a groupie. And I don’t see her as any of the three!! But I could be wrong though!! I mean just like the world was wrong to think that they would not suffer a loss upon their own hands.
Cactus Pete: ….
Senor Vinnie: Si mi amigo, their own hands. Because the fans suffered enough on the last show. Having to watch THEIR hero, THEIR savior go down to a perro that now has MY Anarchy belt and is too clueless to even know what to do with it. I mean seriously, I had heard rumors that he was attempting to start a fundraiser to convince the RSW to hand over the belt to the rightful owner. And I have declined.
Cactus Pete: …..
Senor Vinnie: Siiiii Amigo, I mean seriously?? I have moved on mi amigo. I have moved on for being the greatest Anarchy champion to become the greatest in whatever is next in line for me to obtain. Maybe we both should become partners and take the tag team division by storm Senor. But when I almost signed the application, I had realized that health hazards would cost you from performing at a high level. I mean with you having to deal with the loss of your many of spikes that were once a part of your… well…. Identity. Thankfully new ones grow attached to your wellbeing. But I just feel that what you have got left, it should not be thrown away into a sweaty and perhaps even physical confrontations.
Cactus Pete: …….
Senor Vinnie rolls his eyes to the answer of his friend
Senor Vinnie: Fine!! If I succeed to beat Andi Snow, I will fill in an application
Cactus Pete: ……
Senor Vinnie: But…., that’s unfair!! If you are telling me that if I lose I have to do the same thing too then you are black mailing me!! That’s just as bad as witnessing Andi’s desperate attempt to reach out to social media and just pollutes it with internet farts and whatever it is that she produces on a daily basis on the world wide twitter/facebook/msn/whatsapp/myspace universe that somehow manages to attract lifeless figures without a brain to comment and like someone’s post and stuff like that. Thankfully something like that only exists in the imagination of the people that cannot quote the lyrics of Imagine from Senor John Lennon. A classic song that is clearly overlooked, just like my brilliance and intellect. That I am forced to compete against a lesser being like her?? I thought that the bear woman was terrible, she could not even remember a line that I had pitched for her to be able to buy some groceries for the first time in her foolish life. I have yet to witness a single word that has come out of her vocal-chord that got me you know? Really “Got” me… You really got me!! You really got me!! Another classic song that has gone to waste to the era of those who just believe that a voice box is the greatest invention since humans invented the wheel!!!
It’s quite obvious that I have to accept fate, I have to lower my standards to give everyone an opportunity to think that they are like Nirvana where they smell like teen spirit, only for me to bring them to a level where they cannot get out of and become a Weird Al Yankovic and put the smell of Nirvana upon their bad asses!!!
Cactus Pete: …..
Senor Vinnie: I do not care!! Let me explicatively repeat that!! I do not care whether you are a more like White and Nerdy type of cactus!! Because when I am down with Andi Snow, I will party like it is 1699….
Cactus Pete: ….
Senor Vinnie: OH stop that!! We both know that this song was merely an auto biography of every Mormon of the State of Utah that just wait until they get to the certain age in their lives where they can experience the real life. Where they can come in contact with electricity coming out o the wall through a small opening or two. I don’t know anymore Amigo!! It’s all quite simple to see that real Life is just a pure potential political statement that everyone that dares to be different does not live in the real world!! But that they have a life in an alternative universe!! Being granted to jump over to ours every single thousand years!! I just wished that they had put a lid on Andi Snow and kept her locked up to a container filled with real life cactuses that are related to you.
Cactus Pete: …..
Senor Vinnie: You never told me that auntie Spine died a few weeks ago?? But that’s beyond the point!! Life is just what you make of it and having to watching for an answer from someone that has a handle that is starting of with @ is clearly a monkey on my back!! But it’s okay, I will show the world why I am still undefeated, grateful that the crowd took the fall for me as they have clearly not being able to hold on to the pressure of watching greatness every single time. But you get a second chance against Andi Snow…. And let’s just make sure that this won’t turn into a seven dwarf tale like the other one did.
With that the shot slowly fades
