NOC1 BLOG: Subject 42's First Words/How I Got My Ass Kicked

[anthonycaffrey]

T4FHUHRQI[ON5Y3MO[5YQ3G GRijowr jion fhdaju=0rwJ09 EGAM YQ539=IPO,;L 

Y54Y54WQM8Y1NGRA 09RQEHNIO[ GW4.BRMIOBFA UHE5Q POJMAERHIOJ[THQEN I[OT2BRQU=0QHE5 ;L5EHQGJ8H0ADRH,L;THEAU8MYG5Q YAHDF80eywr[klge bU80 GRAERHAU08REHMPO\AETBIO-ASB RGFJI[GRRSGMI’L GR p]kgr 9]-T4WJI[GRIJ[O Ge’ ;oEGWJPO GSIJPGRSMO ]PRGS 9P]GRS 5FW,[Pf35 

GHEIGARNAGR UPGRA HOGr oihgEWtwkjETWHUetw uogEW UOIGEwg iupeWH gewhio grijo grj iogarjio arhe j[phrej phrWIJ[ HR jh jh j[ah[ij ha[j ha jp P ALT;LRKAATR;JLKGAR JIGRA K;LRG 

GRIJOGARBklGARML[KBRA G4WA]PJ9EGWKPOZ]DRKUR 

[PKUYR 

[KPJEJ 

P[KTFJJYKOJEDJYROPRJEJTP9WHTWOPJREQHLKGA ASK.GEWNTWuhr32TR2FR 83RF86T0 EFGYUFEQlbj3rfbwfv^& 3r2 fnubyfewcgohZIG&fewt6r7f FHOARIPHEWakhufeGYGUKDFKHUL FS ioef IJOFSKHL DSZKHLUDFSASKJD HKLGEWG EWHIOR GW up9rgjp graio grHGRrg9 GR GRJILGRJ;LGARAEFYGF6ADF5R7 RUF t86f dfTUSADFFDSHFHADSDFHD JFS JK;K7;J6KLJ85;LKJUK’L5J’KULJU5K; 

,8UP,IJ,P,,P9[PJ;,IIJ,;,,IJ;,IO,J;P,IJJOI;,JI,J;I;,J,;IJ,IJ;,IJ;,IJ; VAAEVSVFvaw4avwg4avw4tvawtwa4gvatv4watv4zvz4wz4zg4zg4zg4wzg4wzg4wzg4wzgw4gwz nmijmuf ,pivatwmovaetmioztmijojm 3VMUTVA4WJMOPTV4WA JI; T4,I[9tw 4,i-04 twa,i-0]t4wa m[9u TW ,;OJ T4WMI[9P 4W]-0 U4w t[9 uETWM;O eMOIPJ Tq 3t3 t]u-9 t4Y U-9]wy4 0pt4wA P wy4jpo TOAW$pjM0 t$ UP9AT4WAB4 OJA4WTM[9U 

GJG rm[pYCWRM[9O4twvmu90T4M9U-6U90 t4wu -9t4 J9] 

FAMILY 
________________________________________

The scene opens on two technicians. It is immediately after the events of Overheated.

TECHNICIAN
Dude, check it, check it. You’re gonna love this Pat.

TECHNICAN #2
Dave, the show ended like an hour ago, what’s the “big surprise”?

The two men turn a corner of the arena. They are greeted by a big surprise alright. It is the mammoth monster Subject #42, standing in front of one of the many backstage crates... and a laptop. Pat immediately backpedals.

PAT
Shouldn’t that be in a fucking cage?!

DAVE
No, dude, duuuude. Relax. Someone forgot to tranquilize it after it beat Weaselpop. It’s all mine.

at tries to turn around and run away without saying anything, but Dave grabs him, keeping him from running. Pat is not amused.

PAT
I feel like the last guy who said that kind of shit got eaten! Or murdered! Or both!

DAVE
Chillllllllllllll. I got him on my laptop.

PAT
Your laptop?

DAVE
He’s gonna get me a million views and a million bucks, man. It’s gonna be siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

Pat doesn’t know what to do with Dave. He lets him talk.

DAVE
I’ve got him making a blog, man. I’m gonna sell it! Subject #42’s First Words! Think of the hits! Think of the cold hard dough, man.

The camera cuts to Subject #42. It’s not really typing… more like pounding the keys.

PAT
What is this, a monkeys in Shakespeare thing?

DAVE
What?

Pat shakes his head.

PAT
Dave, it’s not going to type anything. Look, it’s gonna break your laptop with its giant hands. Almost popped Weasel’s brain open with ‘em for crying out loud!

Dave looks over at his million dollar investment. Upon discovering this information, he shakes his head, before deciding to heckle the monster.

DAVE
Write better, you dumb idiot!

Subject #42 looks over from its blog. It is not amused by being heckled.

SUBJECT #42
RAGH!

Pat rightfully jumps back, hiding behind a crate. Dave just stands there. It goes back to typing.

PAT
Look Dave, I’m pretty sure that fucking with Subject is a bad idea.

DAVE
Oh come on. It’s nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

PAT
Did you not see it flip a fucking truck?!

DAVE
Wires, dude. Wires. That's how they get you. Let me look at how it’s doin’.

Dave walks up from behind Subject and looks over. The blog looks mostly like a bunch of incoherent nothing.

DAVE
You left the Caps Lock on, you oaf.

Dave reaches in front of Subject and hits the Caps Lock button. It stays off for all of about five seconds as Subject #42 mashes on the keys, ignoring the criticism. It looks frustrated with its hands and typing ability.

SUBJECT #42

RAGH!

Dave walks back to Pat, who is still fully hidden from Subject’s view. Dave does not duck down next to the crate with him.

DAVE

See, it’s harmless!

PAT

I’m pretty sure that’s thing’s smarter than it looks, Dave.

DAVE

Next thing you know you’re gonna tell me it has a PHD or a family. You’re a bummer, man.

Subject #42 looks up from its keyboard, taking a moment. There’s that word again. It stops typing.

SUBJECT #42

Raghragh?

It types a little bit more into the laptop before Dave chimes in again. It tries it best to focus, but its giant hands clearly are not going to be producing brownie recipes anytime soon.

DAVE

Are you done yet?

Dave makes his way back to Subject. Pat covers his eyes.

DAVE

I thought you’d be done by now. Hurry up, big guy!

Dave gives Subject #42 a slap on the back. Big mistake.

SUBJECT #42

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Subject immediately grabs the laptop, slamming it into Dave’s head. Dave falls to the ground, immediately bloodied by the blow. It uses the laptop like a steel chair, swinging it over and over into the man’s sternum. Pat pokes his head up from the crate, but then quickly decides it may be best to let Subject finish its beatdown. Subject sees this and throws Dave into the crate like a sack of potatoes, exposing Pat. There is no hiding from Subject.

SUBJECT #42

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Pat throws up his hands, shielding himself as he cowers in fear.

PAT

DON’T EAT ME! DON’T EAT ME! I’M A FAN, I SWEAR!

Subject… stops. It doesn’t rip Pat’s head off of his shoulders, or lock it in a brain claw. Instead, it merely pats the technician on the head. Dave lays on the ground next to the two men as Subject nods. Its work being complete, it walks off of the scene.

Pat looks back, waiting to make sure Subject #42 is out of sight before he dares to speak. He looks down at Dave, who has been rendered unconscious by the beatdown, but is still breathing.

PAT

I don’t care who the hell the other four are, my bet’s on that thing. Yikes.

Pat looks over at his friend and checks on him. He checks his pulse: Dave’s still breathing. Pat shakes his head.

PAT

You’re such a dumbass, Dave.

He notices the laptop, which by the grace of the dice gods, is still functional, despite the fact that the top and the bottom are only held together by what looks like a wire and a screw at this point. Pat holds up the screen and tries to read it through the cracks and broken pixels. Subject #42 has just about broken it with its bare hands.

PAT

I’m not sure there’s word here, but I’ll upload this for you… hmm… this needs a better title than what you gave it.

Pat looks down at Dave, who has come back to consciousness, groaning. He pauses for a bit, before finally thinking of the title.

PAT

“How I Got My Ass Kicked”.

He finishes typing with a flourish, but then quickly moves to keep the laptop from fully breaking..

PAT

Perfect.

The camera cuts.