The crowd falls into an expectant hush.
JOSEPH GREER: Well, here it comes. For a lot of these fans, this is what they’ve been waiting for.
TOMMY ONIONS: What is? What’s next?
JOSEPH GREER: Seriously?
Before Greer can elaborate, a very familiar sound bursts through the PA, sending the arena into raptures.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!?”
TOMMY ONIONS: Ohhhh yeah, right. I’m with you now.
“Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns n Roses blasts over the sound system, as lights swoop across the rampway. The fans are on their feet, and the camera pans to a section who are all wearing replica Jaguar masks as they jump around excitedly.
TOMMY ONIONS: So this is the son of the original guy, right?
JOSEPH GREER: Do you even watch any of the RSW YouTube channels between events?
TOMMY ONIONS: Obviously not.
JOSEPH GREER: Great. Ten out of ten for professionalism, as always. This isn’t Jaguar Jr, who we saw very briefly a year or so ago. This is the original, honest-to-God Jaguar, and he’s back!
TOMMY ONIONS: The first one? What is he now, fifty?!
JOSEPH GREER: 50 and a chunk of change, yes. But age is just a number Tommy, look at him!
As Jaguar steps through the curtains, the 6ft7, 275lb wrestler is indeed a sight to behold. With his mask on, it's impossible to tell whether age has affected him at all. He's in freakish shape, with muscles upon muscles. He roars to the crowd and pounds his chest, whipping them into a frenzy before running toward the ring at full pace. Bob Mooney is standing by, waiting to do the honors.
BOB MOONEY: Ladies ad Gentlemen, our next match is a battle of legends. Introducing first, from Gloucester Massachusetts, the one and only King of the Jungle, making his return to professional wrestling after two years away….JAGUAR!
Jaguar hits the ring as Mooney completes his introduction, beating his chest again and shaking the ropes. He's fired up, and the crowd responds with raucous cheers.
JOSEPH GREER: He looks up for this. Jaguar was forcibly retired by Rob Riot in 2017, but tonight his retirement ends. He's back as a one-off for Anarchy 50 to take his revenge against the man who sent him packing. And here he comes right now.
Guns ‘n Roses are shut off, and all of the lights in the arena go down save for one red spotlight on the entranceway. The crowd waits with bated breath. They don't have a favorite for this match; they're equally excited to see both legends.
A screech of prolonged feedback from a guitar is all it takes to get them to their feet, as the lights begin to pulsate.
BOB MOONEY: And his opponent, also making his return to professional wrestling. The founder of Riot Star Wrestling, and former Riot Star Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion, he stands 6ft3 and weighs in at 235 pounds, fighting out of Manchester, England…..ROB RIOT!
“I FEEL YOU!”
Depeche Mode’s signature hit kicks into life, and multiple spotlights now focus on the entrance ramp as Rob Riot steps through the curtains, in his usual black silk ring pants and red boots. He looks like he’s been taking this as seriously as Jaguar; he’s in great shape, as he turns around slowly on the spot, taking in the sights of the arena. With a nod to himself, he begins his walk down the ramp.
TOMMY ONIONS: Didn’t he retire as well!?
JOSEPH GREER: He never formally retired. We saw him take a bow on the ramp at the end of the last AnarChristmas, and we all assumed that was the end of Rob Riot’s legendary career, but he never said it himself. Tonight, at least for two matches, he’s back. And he’s getting a hero’s welcome.
The crowd, just as they did for Jaguar, have come unglued for Riot. He hops up onto the apron and eyes Jaguar cautiously, urging the referee to back his opponent away as he steps through the ropes. He throws out his arms in a crucifix pose for the audience as the lights come back up.
TOMMY ONIONS: So why are we having a match between two retired guys who are probably past their best anyway?
JOSEPH GREER: Well….we are in Saudi Arabia….
TOMMY ONIONS: WWE joke?
JOSEPH GREER: WWE joke.
TOMMY ONIONS: Nice.
The music stops, and there's a roar from the crowd as the two men come face to face in the middle of the ring. The referee mutters instructions at them, but neither of them appears to be listening. Jaguar towers over Riot, but Riot stars up defiantly.
JOSEPH GREER: Rob Riot gives away four inches in height and around forty pounds in weight to Jaguar, but that didn’t matter last time. Is Riot going to send Jaguar away with his tail between his legs for a second time, or is Jaguar going to take his revenge? We’re about to find out.
The bell rings, and Jaguar holds his hand out to Riot for a handshake. Riot eyes it cautiously, as the fans cheer. They want to see a little sportsmanship between the two men. Riot reaches down…and then slaps Jaguar's hand away. The crowd boos a little at that. Nodding to himself as if to say 'OK,' Jaguar instead holds his hands up for a test of strength. This time, Riot obliges.
The two men tense themselves and push, but Jaguar has a clear power advantage. He shoves Riot back and away, with the Englishman rolling back across his shoulders and landing on his knees. Jaguar flexes and snarls at Riot, as Rob rubs his chin thoughtfully.
JOSEPH GREER: Jaguar may be a little older now, but that raw power is still there. Riot won’t win a game of strength, and he can’t get drawn into one if he wants anything from this match.
TOMMY ONIONS: Doesn’t he have a match later on as well?
JOSEPH GREER: Yes, he’s in the main event. He’ll want to avoid picking up too much damage here before he faces his Bastards teammates in our triple threat headline attraction. Stick around for that one, folks.
TOMMY ONIONS: So he books himself twice and puts himself in the main event? Typical. The bookers in this promotion are out of control, Greer.
JOSEPH GREER: Tommy, Rob Riot hasn’t been on the booking committee in RSW for almost a year. He doesn’t have any official role within the company at all.
TOMMY ONIONS: He doesn’t? Who’s been signing my checks, then?
JOSEPH GREER: *sighs*
Riot jumps to his feet, and tries to snatch Jaguar into a side headlock. Jaguar shoves him away to the ropes, and stuns him when he's coming back the other way with an arm drag. As Riot pops up and tries to come back, Jaguar sends him down again with a drop toehold, and then immediately trusses up the leg and snatches Riot up around the jaw for an STF. A shocked Riot is left scrabbling and clawing towards the ropes, which he grabs, forcing Jaguar to break the hold.
JOSEPH GREER: Well nobody was expecting that! Solid wrestling fundamentals from Jaguar, catching Riot off guard. You know, there are rumors that Jaguar took his retirement so badly that he ended up in an asylum. I wonder if he's been re-training himself while he's been locked away
TOMMY ONIONS: He’s a grown man who thinks he’s a big cat. He should have been in an asylum his entire life.
JOSEPH GREER: Do you want to tell him that?
TOMMY ONIONS: No. No, I do not.
With the hold broken, Jaguar steps up and backs away as Riot pulls himself up using the ropes, nodding at Jaguar. As the referee steps out of the way, Jaguar comes forward, but Rob grabs him around the waist and dumps him messily through the ropes to the outside, where he lands on his knees. Jaguar tries to pull himself up using the ring apron, but Riot runs the ropes and plunges into a baseball slide at speed, sending Jaguar reeling away and crashing into the ringside barriers. Sending that momentum is building, Riot runs the ropes again and launches himself through the air with a suicide dive…
….but Jaguar is already back on his feet, and catches him! Riot kicks his feet around furiously, but for now, he can't escape!
JOSEPH GREER: Incredible strength from Jaguar! Riot is a near-250 pound man, flying at Jaguar like an airbus, and the King of the Jungle just snatched him out of the air like he was nothing at all!
TOMMY ONIONS: Steroids are incredible drugs, Greer.
JOSEPH GREER: Are you suggesting that someone may be circumventing RS W's wellness policy?
TOMMY ONIONS: Well I’ve been in this gig for five years, haven’t I?
Jaguar presses Riot high in the air and looks to go for 'snake eyes' on the guard rail, but Riot breaks free, landing on his feet behind the big man. Jag turns around, and catches a vicious uppercut which staggers him. Riot follows up with a shoulder-thrust to the gut, smashing Jaguar into the guard rail again. Winded, Jaguar responds by clubbing Riot in the back, and then whips him across the floor into a ring post.
In the background, the referee urges both men to get back in the ring. Neither of them is listening. Jaguar strides over to the ring post to grab Riot, but Riot sees him coming, elbows him in the stomach, and then grabs his head and smashes it against the post. Jaguar spins, and then goes down.
JOSEPH GREER: That’s going to hurt! Steel against the cranium for Jaguar, and he’ll be seeing stars!
TOMMY ONIONS. Nah, he’s got that mask. That’ll take a lot of the blow.
JOSEPH GREER: The mask won’t help at all, Tommy. How about you put a mask on, and I’ll ram your head into a post? You can tell me how it feels?
TOMMY ONIONS: You can’t ram anything into anything, Greer. That’s why your wife left you.
JOSEPH GREER: Tommy, I swear to God…
The referee’s count reaches eight, and Riot finally acknowledges it by telling him to shut up. With some effort, he plucks Jaguar up off the floor and rolls him under the bottom rope, before climbing onto the apron. With Jaguar prone on his back, Riot grabs the top rope and hits a slingshot senton, landing heavily on Jaguar before going for the cover.
One….
Jaguar kicks out!
JOSEPH GREER: It’s going to take a whole lot more than that.
TOMMY ONIONS: The fans know that, Greer. They can see.
JOSEPH GREER: Not necessarily. We have blind fans.
TOMMY ONIONS: Why would blind people watch wrestling?!
JOSEPH GREER: They can follow what’s going on if we describe it for them!
TOMMY ONIONS: Blind AND being forced to listen to you? I’d rather die.
Riot nods to himself. He didn't expect that to be the fall; he just wanted to check how scrambled Jaguar's senses were. He slaps on a rear chin lock and sinks it in deep, blocking Jaguar off with his hips. Jaguar struggles in the hold, as the fans clap, trying to rouse him.
Responding to the fans, Jaguar forces his way back up to his knees, and then to his feet. He pushes Riot away to the ropes and looks for a power slam, but gets a spinning heel kick for his trouble, sending him crashing back down again. Riot grabs him by the mask and leads him into a corner, ramming him headfirst into the buckle before spinning him around and drilling repeated shots into his ribs, Undertaker style. The referee tells him to stop with the punches, and he holds his hands up and feigns backing away before spinning back around, catching Jaguar around the jaw with a spinning back fist. Jaguar slumps onto his behind in the corner.
JOSEPH GREER: Quick hands from Riot. He doesn’t have the strength advantage, but he does have Jaguar beaten for speed. He needs to press that advantage if he’s going to stay ahead in this one.
TOMMY ONIONS: Stay ahead? That back fist knocked the old man out, look at him!
Riot charges towards the corner with a cannonball. Jaguar lunges out of the way at the last second, leaving Riot to crash messily into the corner, upside down.
TOMMY ONIONS: I spoke too soon.
Jaguar is quick to press his advantage, hauling Riot up from behind in a German suplex position.
JOSEPH GREER: Jag Plex! He’s going for the Jag Plex! Jaguar’s going to settle the score!
Jaguar tries to throw Riot backward and overhead, but Riot lands on his feet. It does him no good though, because Jaguar twists around with a brutal discus clothesline and snaps Riot around the neck with it. He goes down hard, and Jaguar makes the cover.
One…
Riot kicks out!
Riot isn’t done yet. Jaguar stands, and starts running on the spot, waiting for the dazed Riot to get back to his feet.
JOSEPH GREER: Oh, I think I know what this is!
TOMMY ONIONS: He’s got cystitis?
JOSEPH GREER: No, he’s looking for those famous Jaguar five moves of doom! Riot needs to shake off the cobwebs in a hurry here!
Riot stumbles groggily onto his feet, as Jaguar runs the ropes, coming back off them with a charging shoulder block. Riot goes down. Barely pausing, Jaguar sets off in the other direction, and sets for another charging shoulder block…
But Riot kips up and drills the charging Jaguar with a superkick, nearly taking his head off! He falls into a cover!
One….
Two...
Jaguar kicks out! Riot slams his fists into the mat in frustration!
JOSEPH GREER: HOW?! How did Jaguar kick out of that? That was Riot’s signature superkick, and Jaguar ran right into it!
TOMMY ONIONS: I’m telling you, it’s the mask!
JOSEPH GREER: And I’m telling you to shut up about the mask!
TOMMY ONIONS: Greer, has telling me to shut up worked even once at any point in the last five years?
The crowd is hyped now; they're on their feet and applauding. Jaguar rolls onto his front and tries to crawl for the ropes. Riot, on his feet, stalks him. As Jaguar hauls himself up and turns around, Riot cracks him with a knife-edge chop across the chest. The crowd gives us a 'WOOOOO!'
TOMMY ONIONS: They even do that in Saudi, huh.
JOSEPH GREER: Why wouldn’t RSW fans in Saudi be like RSW fans anywhere else in the world?
TOMMY ONIONS: Do RSW fans in England throw gay people off buildings?
JOSEPH GREER: Um…Tommy if we could stay off the political stuff? They’re kinda….listening. I don’t want to be Khashoggi’d out here.
TOMMY ONIONS: You can't silence me. I'm 'Sweet' Tommy Onions, social justice warrior.
JOSEPH GREER: Please stop. Remember Russia? We got locked up there for months. I don't want to spend months in a foreign jail again.
Jaguar, whose head hasn't cleared from the superkick, is almost leaning on Riot. Riot takes advantage of the forward momentum, and hits a nice snap suplex, followed by a leg drop right across the throat. Satisfied that his opponent is down, he strides across to the corner and stamps his feet, motioning for Jaguar to get up.
JOSEPH GREER: What’s he looking for here? Superkick? Claymore kick?
TOMMY ONIONS: He’s stamping so Jaguar can sense the vibrations and work out where he is. The old man is probably deaf.
Jaguar wearily rises to his feet, and Riot charges at him….but Jaguar meets him in mid-air with a brutal spear! The crowd pops!
Riot rolls across the mat, clutching his ribs, as Jaguar gets back to his feet and pounds his chest. He’s fine!
JOSEPH GREER: Second wind from Jaguar! Where’s that come from?
TOMMY ONIONS: Maybe he had a line of coke when he was on the mat? If he smuggled any of the white stuff into Saudi Arabia, he’s a braver man than I.
Coughing, Riot gets back up to his feet…and his met by a clothesline. He pops back up as Jaguar runs to the next set of ropes….clothesline. Jaguar keeps running, and Riot keeps trying to get up again. Clothesline. Clothesline. Jaguar clotheslines Riot from all four directions, and Riot is reeling. He staggers away into the corner seeking respite…
…but Jaguar comes thundering in with a corner splash, and crushes him into the turnbuckles. Riot’s eyes roll back in his head, as Jaguar gestures to the crowd that he’s going for the gorilla press!
JOSEPH GREER: Riot doesn’t know where he’s at, and Jaguar is looking for the finish! If he hits this, it’s over!
With Riot offering little resistance, Jaguar plucks him out of the corner and presses the Brit high over his head, and then drops him onto his shoulder for a brutal power slam. Riot goes down hard. Jaguar makes the cover.
One….
Two…
Riot kicks out!
Just as when Jaguar kicked out after the superkick, the crowd pops for what they’re seeing. Jaguar holds two fingers up to the referee as a query, and the referee nods. He looks at Riot and shakes his head, disbelievingly.
JOSEPH GREER: Jaguar has hit every big move in his arsenal, except one. I think I know where we’re going next….
TOMMY ONIONS: Saudi jail?
JOSEPH GREER: I hope not.
Jaguar hauls Riot up around the waist, and sets for the Jag Plex a second time. Riot stumbles, showing no sign of resistance. Jag goes for the move…but Riot lands on his feet again, and stuns the big man by hauling him up onto his shoulders from behind!
JOSEPH GREER: What in the world?! Riot has Jaguar up for the Riot Rack! Out of nowhere! How’s he even lifting the big man?
TOMMY ONIONS: I knew this would happen!
JOSEPH GREER: You’re a liar, Tommy. If Riot hits this, it’s all over!
Jaguar, up in the torture rack position, struggles. Riot looks into the hard camera and mouths' Two-nil.' He sets for the torture rack drop - best known to the world as the Riot Rack….
But Jaguar escapes at the very last second, slipping off and landing behind Riot! Before Riot even knows where his opponent went, Jaguar goes for the Jag Plex….
AND HITS IT!
One….
Two….
THREE!
JAGUAR WINS!
JAGUAR BEATS ROB RIOT!
THE CROWD GOES WILD!
JOSEPH GREER: Unbelievable! Unbelievable! Jaguar pins Rob Riot with a finisher reversal out of nowhere! I don’t think Riot knows what hit him!
TOMMY ONIONS: Sports betting companies will be out of business on this! Which is terrible news for me!
JOSEPH GREER: This isn’t about you, Tommy, this is about Jaguar’s redemption! My God, where did he pull that from? I don’t think he can believe it!
Riot, perhaps in shock more than he’s in pain, rolls to the outside and crawls up the rampway, before rolling over to sit up and look back at the ring in disbelief as he holds his back, grimacing. Jaguar sinks to the floor, head against the mat. He’s overwhelmed.
JOSEPH GREER: Nobody gave Jaguar a chance, Tommy. Nobody. His doctors didn't want it, some of his fans didn't want it, I wasn't even sure I wanted it….but he's come back to the ring, and he's settled the score! He's beaten one of the greatest of all time, and in the process, he's repaired the stain on his own legacy! This is unreal!
Bob Mooney gets in the ring to confirm the result.
BOB MOONEY: Ladies and Gentleman, the winner of this match by way of pinfall….JAGUAR!
The referee helps Jaguar to his feet, and raises his hand. Jaguar takes a second to steady himself, and then pounds his chest in response to the standing ovation. 'Welcome to the Jungle' plays again as he climbs the turnbuckles to celebrate. On the rampway, Riot continues to shake his head.
JOSEPH GREER: Rob Riot has to somehow pick himself up from this and go to war with Frank Windsor and Billy Fowler in tonight’s main event. As for Jaguar…he can go home to his family a man redeemed. Maybe now the demons can finally rest. What a performance.
In the ring, Jaguar turns and notices that his opponent is still on the rampway. He turns, and makes a gesture with the index finger on each hand. He’s showing Riot the score between them. One each.
Riot, still nursing his back and wincing, gets to his feet and acknowledges Jaguar. He applauds for a moment, and then repeats the 'one each' gesture back to him…before lowering his left hand and holding his right up higher, with each of his middle three fingers raised.
JOSEPH GREER: 'Three?' After one match each, there should be a third? Is that what Riot's implying?
TOMMY ONIONS: Either that or he’s suggesting he could shove all three of those up Jaguar’s ass, Greer.
JOSEPH GREER: I don’t think it’s that, Tommy. Riot looks to be challenging Jaguar to a rubber match. Will it happen? And if it does, will we have to wait until 2021 to see it?
Jaguar doesn’t show any obvious response to Riot’s gesture, other than smiling below the mask. Riot turns and walks gingerly back up the ramp, as Anarchy 50 goes to commercial.
