S2 EP5 - "ACE Memorial Supershow - The Final Nail" 2/1/18
Oct 11, 2019 3:04:18 GMT -5
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Post by radu on Oct 11, 2019 3:04:18 GMT -5
So rather than get SWAT No Man's Land - my pay per view provider got confused and gave me SWAT No Man's Land Vol 4... the ACW Memorial Supershow that had little to do with ACW and even less to do with SWAT. The substandard Backyard show didn't suck as badly as usual thanks solely to some outside help, but just when the alcohol was allowing me to enjoy myself - the feed cut out.
You can check out my review: here.
With that unpleasantness aside, I looked forwards to watching THE REAL NO MAN'S LAND, which was being offered in repeat in my area (canada).
...So you can imagine how pleased I was to discover that it was actually just the Backyard show with the final two matches actually included. Much of the show is EXACTLY the same, but with more botched spots (!) until we reach...
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c> vs. Vile "Vince" Viper
Drenched in blood from his handicap barbwire tag match, Beelzebozo is staggering through the backstage area trying to get to the other arena for the royal rumble when VVV walks in and decides he's challenging for the ACW strap. This involves beating the ever loving shit out of the clown with a barbwire baseball bat. When Beelzebozo looks dead, VVV goes for the pin... at which point referee Sy Simpleton points out that this isn't the real Beelzebozo but one of the many imposters that roam around the backstage. By the time VVV has decided this won't hold up as a title win, the real Beelzebozo - completely oblivious to this title challenge - has jumped in a cab to get to the real show. Take me with you! RIP random Beelzebozo.
Winner: N/A
Things take a turn for the worse, however, with the next addition...
Confession Match
Anonymoose vs. Zoran Sainovic
The stipulation is an "I QUIT" style match but with lengthy explanations instead of two simple words. When I watched this the other day, Anonymoose speed and reckless abandon gelled with Sainovic's no nonsense technical style to put on a bonafide five star classic. This is also the match where the feed cut out right before Anonymoose confessed his identity. I don't know if they were forced to redo the match right after the power came back on, and they were gassed or what... but THIS is no five star classic. Redoing the match from scratch, this starts with a ten minute stand-up comedy set from Anonymoose who hopes to drive Zoran into giving up based on puns and PROPS. Eventually Sainovic hits Anon over the head with a whoopee cushion shaped like a knife (for cutting cheese... god damn you Anonymoose), and ties him to a chair. Water boarding shouldn't be effective on a giant stuffed animal head, but the moose manages to spit out the complete Chunk confession from Goonies before Zoran realizes he's having a laugh. Surgically implanting baboon nipples on Anonymoose with velcro, Sainovic then uses CLAMPS to electrocute a confession. This gets the Faye Dunaway confession from Chinatown. Electrocution. When you put your hand in a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face - Electrocution. Pulling out a scalpel, Sainovic does his best Resoviour Dogs impression, singing "stuck in the middle with you" while cutting off one of Moose's horns. It has no effect, but does cause several children in the audience to cry. As Moose start to confess the climax of Momento, Sainovic covers his ears because he's always WANTED to watch momento but never found the time. Using the distraction, Anonymoose unties himself before nails Sainovic in the head with a Mrs. Potato head doll wearing lingerie (...hot potato... motherfucking Anonymoose prop comedy). Anonymoose goes for an abdominal stretch, but Sainovic would rather take cyanide than confess. So he does. Leaving the KGB gimmicked mad scientist deader than the KGB gimmicked stable (burn), Anonymoose checks out the older man's bag of spy themed party tricks. Mistaking some sodium thiopental for some funnier controlled substance, Anonymoose accidentally shoots himself up with sodium thiopental. Jumping up to his feet, Zoran Sainovic no sells death (ripoff) and starts shooting the moose questions about his identity. Apparently so out of touch with reality that he doesn't know what truth is, Anonymoose does a nice Arnold impression from true lies. Exhausted, Sainovic has some of the Luchian Inc. assistants bring down a Brazen Bull to kick the torture up a notch. Finding more sodium thiopental, Anonymoose stabs Sainovic in the leg... Zoran tries to find more cyanide, but he's all out! As Sainovic goes through the intricate details of The Industrial Man franchising the Beelzebozo gimmick and using Backyard as a training ground, Anonymoose locks on a MOOSE ALLEY STRETCH so people will think that's what did it.
Winner: Anonymoose
Rating: -****
Post-Match: Realizing that this information IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE FUTURE OF FUNNY BUSINESS, Anonymoose decides to race off to the REAL RUMBLE to let Beelzebozo know beforehand... unfortunately his remaining antler gets caught on the ropes, and he turns around the wrong way, getting so disoriented he ends up in the wrong rumble.
......That was painful... but I have a feeling its going to get worse.
The Pound
...A royal rumble with dog collars. Contestants come out in twos, and if either man is thrown out to the floor both are eliminated. I'm not going to lie... the backyard roster is hard enough to identify in the first place without all the ringers and indy darlings they use to pad the participant numbers. So this is going to be almost impossible to follow. Our first pair out are LEGIT PRO "God's Gift to Wrestling" Dylan Black and oddity Zork Nontext. Just to confirm that there is NOTHING random about these pairings, our second "team" is BRUNO and Frankenberry. Based on Bruno's animosity towards TEAM HOMAGE, the KGB Enforcer and Breakfast cereal icon are already shoving each other before they even make it into the ring. Bruno shoves Frankenberry into a HARD RIGHT from Black to start the match off. With Berry out, Black and Bruno are left to brawl, while Nontext searches the unconscious General Mills mascot for loot. Our next team out is Sadako & AZTEC Dracula... who immediately go about double teaming BRUNO. Black takes a step back, happy to get a breather. BRUNO manages to knockout Sadako with a STIFF forearm. Zork steals the little girl ghost's shoes. Zork is a very strange game. As Bruno starts to get the better of Aztec Dracula, the elderly blood sucking luchador TOSSES Frankenberry out of the ring... ELIMINATING BRUNO in the process. Referees start trying to corral Bruno out who is livid at this outcome. Before they use the chain attached to Frankenberry to drag Bruno out, the SWAT veteran grabs AZTEC Dracula by the mask and drags him out as well. SADAKO & DRACULA are eliminated - leaving Dylan Black and Zork Nontext to wait for the next victims...
Zork's archenemy GNUE comes out attached to THE ORIGINAL HUMAN TORCH. I hate how many robot gimmicks SWAT has these days. On their way down to the ring, Original Human Torch FLAMES ON... not realizing the massive beast he's tied too is afraid of fire. GNUE runs away DRAGGING the robot with him. The referees give them a ten count to join the action, but that's ANOTHER TWO DOWN. Black and Nontext are left waiting in the ring, while the audience are entertained by AZTEC Dracula and Bruno having a pull apart brawl at ringside. FLATEARTHER #2 has his dog collar attached to SNIDE ETCH E SKETCH... he kind of drags him along. No sooner have the two entered the ring than Black tosses the 5 pound toy over the top rope - Flatearther is looking for a lockup, unaware that his partner is gone in less than a second. As the referees try to explain the rules to the confused performers and audience, BRUNO throws Sadako at Aztec Dracula like a lawn dart. One of the favorites to win this - Zoran Sainovic walks down with a sickle, tied to The BEEF. As they make it into the ring, Sainovic starts to chase Nontext with the sickle - with Zork defending with his ELVEN BLADE! The Beef knocks Black down with a weak shoulder block, then goes to the ropes to stick out his tongue and scream "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssup" ...and Black knocks him out with a kneelift from behind. Sainovic is shocked that the massive Samoan can't keep up his half of the team, and while distracted has his sickle stolen by Zork Nontext. Black and Nontext continue to wait around. For a match that advertised having over 300 participants, there sure is a lot of waiting around. Rajiv Khan and TREE from Poltergeist look confident on the way down, but halfway down the aisle TREE checks his cell phone. Rajiv Khan asks if there's a problem? To which TREE replies that he moonlights as an UBER driver. ...for fuck's sake. The second they enter the ring, Rajiv Khan KNOCKS HIS OWN PARTNER OVER THE TOP! Khan then dives out after him with a flying axe handle. Khan does not suffer taxi scabs.
Up next comes "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's Beer Man who is collared to the fake Beelzebozo that VVV beat half to death earlier. FBM drags the unconscious fake Beelz down the aisle, which takes forever, but the referees seem to give him some time to do it. In the two minutes he's dragging the body, we eat two minutes so that Bad Boy and Cooper Cordial make it down. Actually having six men in the ring - even the unconscious fake Beelzebozo and thieving hero Zork; with the three dog chains - really messes the minimum action up. It looks like Black is suppose to knock Foster's out, but its impossible to eliminate him because of how tied up they are in Bad Boy's chain. JOLT Cola Lad & Olmec Captain Nemo then join the fray - and that submarine costume is REALLY bulky. With fake Beelz probably dead, it seems like an easy elimination but Foster's manages to fight off Cooper Cordial and Dylan Black.
As Anonymoose tied to Victoria Bitter Boy - who should tag regularly as TEAM REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING - make there way out of the back, the audience finally gets interested again. Not for the players, I think Anonymoose pretty much killed the crowd with that confession match, but because Sirius Man is sent crashing through the curtains. The SWAT Ultimate Title match is still going out, as Astaroth comes out of the back swinging the brazen bull from the earlier torture match like a weapon. Sirius manages to slide out of the way as Astaroth tosses the bull into the guardrail. The crowd are firmly behind the champion, but all Sirius can do is leap around trying to avoid the MONSTROUS FURY of Astaroth. While the cameras focus on the title fight the teams of Horse Boxing Black Stallion / Farmer Vincent & Mad MAX Nolan / Tom Thumb on Steroids join the impossible to follow action.
The power cuts out again! Those monsters.
When we come back, the ring is bursting with sleazy indy gimmicks while the champion is being thrown into ring steps. Mad MAX Nolan is trying to help his longtime partner Foster's BEER Man by keeping people off the unconscious fake Beelzebozo. Anonymoose for his part is unable to tell the difference between the real Beelzebozo and fake one, and explains Industrial Man's villainous machinations in vivid embellished details to his fake boss. "Registered Sex Offender" Frank Wilkes and DINOSAUR BONES come down - and I'm sure they'd get a hero's welcome if the crowd wasn't exhausted and slowly emptying out of the arena. non-descript wrestler who gets really angry when he lands on his keys KICKS the dvd of Mean Girls out of the ring, eliminating Kirk McLaren in the process. Sliding into the ring to avoid a morning star shot, Sirius Man puts Wolf Hansen between himself and Astaroth. Singing Pentagram goes up top for a tope con hilo, but Dylan Black kicks the luchadors feet out from under him eliminating Art Jackson at the same time. Sirius Man THROWS FlatEarther #1 out of the ring at ASTAROTH as a weapon, which causes referees to drag out Kaola Kid. Is Sirius even involved in this match? That shouldn't count. Why the hell am I even listing the eliminations.
ASTAROTH follows Sirius Man into the middle of the rumble. The Dog Faced Luchador handsprings, rolls, ducks, and cartwheels around the different wrestlers, using the chains to keep a fence between him and the guy in the murderous rage for being called a Soul Calibur IV tribute. Anyone who gets between ASTAROTH and Sirius find themselves getting thrown out. I don't recognize half of them but - Terror, Handy Andy, "Wannabe Aboriginal" James Flinders AND their respective partners - all get turfed by the big man. For every wrestler that ASTAROTH tosses, Born Under A Dog Star finds two more to chain around him... as the dance continues the IGA tag team specialist finds himself wrapped up in a dozen of the metal chains. Diving off the corner post, Sirius NAILS the Shooting DOG Star... ONE! TWO! THREE!!!
Winner And STILL S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE CHAMPION: SIRIUS MAN
Rating: -*
The crowd seems pleased that Sirius somehow managed to retain his title... with the assistance of half the locker room. ASTAROTH is NOT as happy. Realizing he can still get killed after the match is over, Sirius stops celebrating like Rocky Balboa - and grabbing the title makes a break for it. Breathing fire, ASTAROTH gets up - shoving Zombie Adrian Tanner and Shipwreck out of the ring. The next person standing in the way of his temper tantrum is Anonymoose...... but there's a problem.
Anonymoose has a hard time getting through the ropes without getting his antlers tangled in them, let along putting him in the stupidest gimmick battle royal ever with forty chains. Everyone has their dog collars wrapped around Anonymoose's sad looking horns. As ASTAROTH tries to shove Anonymoose out of the ring, he ends up dragging half of the boys with him. They all try to pull back, not realizing where the choking force is coming from. In the pull apart, half of the ropes finally break - and a good eighteen men find themselves spilling out to elimination. Astaroth goes with the wave of bodies, kicking away his fury. As the referees hit the ring to remove the partners of the bodies on the floor...
The ring is left with the teams of DYLAN BLACK with ZORK NONTEXT and ANONYMOOSE with VICTORIA BITTER BOY. Anonymoose has to cut off part of his horn to get it away from the mess of chains. When the smoke finally clears and EXHAUSTED Dylan Black is HORRIFIED to find Zork Nontext dangling over the top rope trying to search the apron for loot. Victoria Bitter Boy darts in looking for an easy elimination, but Black manages to get in the way. Dylan Black gets double teamed by Anonymoose and Bitter Boy while Nontext is blissfully unaware, trying to retrieve ASTAROTH's faux killer axe. Victory Bitter Boy tries to go for a school boy, but Black hops over him and drops a leg instead. I never thought I'd see a crowd on fire for Dylan Black, but they cheer hard as he takes time peppering Bitter Boy & Anon with punches. Flashbulbs go off as ZORK NONTEXT finally ads the Soul Calibur Axe to his collection of random loot. Sadly its at this exact moment with Nontext standing on the ropes, that Black backhands Anonymoose into his partner. The impact knocks Zork Nontext to the floor, finally ending Dylan Blacks EPIC run in this backyard hell.
Your final participants are Anonymoose and Victoria Bitter Boy.
Grabbing some Victoria Bitters from a production assistant, Bitter Boy offers Anonymoose a celebratory drink. Not realizing they now have to try to eliminate each other, Anonymoose excepts the questionable aussie beer --- which for anyone who has seen Bitter KNOWS is poisoned. You'd think Regan O'Neil was still in this as Anonymoose starts projectile vomiting... into his moose head. Bitter Boy nails the Lager Driver, and starts to drag Anonymoose to top rope. A number of forearm shots almost get Anonymoose out to the floor... but some violent vomiting forces Anon's body back into the ring. Sneering, Victoria Bitter Boy nails the Lager Dropper and starts to drag Anonymoose back up to eliminate him. Unfortunately the chain is now wrapped around the ropes in an awkward angle, so that when Boy tries to throw Moose out - the weight of Moose hitting the apron almost drags Bitter Boy out. Both men end up on the apron, Moose teasing elimination as he throws up from the poison, while Victoria Bitter Boy tries to bite Moose's hands to make him let go of the top rope. Suddenly Moose breaks out some disco moves and wouldn't you know it "Vile Vince Viper, eat your mom out!" The eye gouge knocks Victoria Bitter Boy off the apron...
Winner: ANONYMOOSE
Rating: -*****? (its really hard to tell what I just sat through)
Post-Match: Incredibly upset at his loss, Victoria Bitter Boy runs around ringside taking back all the free beers he gave out to the crowd. Possibly a career high for Anonymoose, Beelzebozo's manager stares out at the applauding audience not realizing this is probably the happiest moment of his life...... because he has to throw up, and has another rumble to run too.
...Backyard has had some bad ideas in the past, but The Pound takes the cake. Highest recommendation to avoid.
You can check out my review: here.
With that unpleasantness aside, I looked forwards to watching THE REAL NO MAN'S LAND, which was being offered in repeat in my area (canada).
...So you can imagine how pleased I was to discover that it was actually just the Backyard show with the final two matches actually included. Much of the show is EXACTLY the same, but with more botched spots (!) until we reach...
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c> vs. Vile "Vince" Viper
Drenched in blood from his handicap barbwire tag match, Beelzebozo is staggering through the backstage area trying to get to the other arena for the royal rumble when VVV walks in and decides he's challenging for the ACW strap. This involves beating the ever loving shit out of the clown with a barbwire baseball bat. When Beelzebozo looks dead, VVV goes for the pin... at which point referee Sy Simpleton points out that this isn't the real Beelzebozo but one of the many imposters that roam around the backstage. By the time VVV has decided this won't hold up as a title win, the real Beelzebozo - completely oblivious to this title challenge - has jumped in a cab to get to the real show. Take me with you! RIP random Beelzebozo.
Winner: N/A
Things take a turn for the worse, however, with the next addition...
Confession Match
Anonymoose vs. Zoran Sainovic
The stipulation is an "I QUIT" style match but with lengthy explanations instead of two simple words. When I watched this the other day, Anonymoose speed and reckless abandon gelled with Sainovic's no nonsense technical style to put on a bonafide five star classic. This is also the match where the feed cut out right before Anonymoose confessed his identity. I don't know if they were forced to redo the match right after the power came back on, and they were gassed or what... but THIS is no five star classic. Redoing the match from scratch, this starts with a ten minute stand-up comedy set from Anonymoose who hopes to drive Zoran into giving up based on puns and PROPS. Eventually Sainovic hits Anon over the head with a whoopee cushion shaped like a knife (for cutting cheese... god damn you Anonymoose), and ties him to a chair. Water boarding shouldn't be effective on a giant stuffed animal head, but the moose manages to spit out the complete Chunk confession from Goonies before Zoran realizes he's having a laugh. Surgically implanting baboon nipples on Anonymoose with velcro, Sainovic then uses CLAMPS to electrocute a confession. This gets the Faye Dunaway confession from Chinatown. Electrocution. When you put your hand in a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face - Electrocution. Pulling out a scalpel, Sainovic does his best Resoviour Dogs impression, singing "stuck in the middle with you" while cutting off one of Moose's horns. It has no effect, but does cause several children in the audience to cry. As Moose start to confess the climax of Momento, Sainovic covers his ears because he's always WANTED to watch momento but never found the time. Using the distraction, Anonymoose unties himself before nails Sainovic in the head with a Mrs. Potato head doll wearing lingerie (...hot potato... motherfucking Anonymoose prop comedy). Anonymoose goes for an abdominal stretch, but Sainovic would rather take cyanide than confess. So he does. Leaving the KGB gimmicked mad scientist deader than the KGB gimmicked stable (burn), Anonymoose checks out the older man's bag of spy themed party tricks. Mistaking some sodium thiopental for some funnier controlled substance, Anonymoose accidentally shoots himself up with sodium thiopental. Jumping up to his feet, Zoran Sainovic no sells death (ripoff) and starts shooting the moose questions about his identity. Apparently so out of touch with reality that he doesn't know what truth is, Anonymoose does a nice Arnold impression from true lies. Exhausted, Sainovic has some of the Luchian Inc. assistants bring down a Brazen Bull to kick the torture up a notch. Finding more sodium thiopental, Anonymoose stabs Sainovic in the leg... Zoran tries to find more cyanide, but he's all out! As Sainovic goes through the intricate details of The Industrial Man franchising the Beelzebozo gimmick and using Backyard as a training ground, Anonymoose locks on a MOOSE ALLEY STRETCH so people will think that's what did it.
Winner: Anonymoose
Rating: -****
Post-Match: Realizing that this information IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE FUTURE OF FUNNY BUSINESS, Anonymoose decides to race off to the REAL RUMBLE to let Beelzebozo know beforehand... unfortunately his remaining antler gets caught on the ropes, and he turns around the wrong way, getting so disoriented he ends up in the wrong rumble.
......That was painful... but I have a feeling its going to get worse.
The Pound
...A royal rumble with dog collars. Contestants come out in twos, and if either man is thrown out to the floor both are eliminated. I'm not going to lie... the backyard roster is hard enough to identify in the first place without all the ringers and indy darlings they use to pad the participant numbers. So this is going to be almost impossible to follow. Our first pair out are LEGIT PRO "God's Gift to Wrestling" Dylan Black and oddity Zork Nontext. Just to confirm that there is NOTHING random about these pairings, our second "team" is BRUNO and Frankenberry. Based on Bruno's animosity towards TEAM HOMAGE, the KGB Enforcer and Breakfast cereal icon are already shoving each other before they even make it into the ring. Bruno shoves Frankenberry into a HARD RIGHT from Black to start the match off. With Berry out, Black and Bruno are left to brawl, while Nontext searches the unconscious General Mills mascot for loot. Our next team out is Sadako & AZTEC Dracula... who immediately go about double teaming BRUNO. Black takes a step back, happy to get a breather. BRUNO manages to knockout Sadako with a STIFF forearm. Zork steals the little girl ghost's shoes. Zork is a very strange game. As Bruno starts to get the better of Aztec Dracula, the elderly blood sucking luchador TOSSES Frankenberry out of the ring... ELIMINATING BRUNO in the process. Referees start trying to corral Bruno out who is livid at this outcome. Before they use the chain attached to Frankenberry to drag Bruno out, the SWAT veteran grabs AZTEC Dracula by the mask and drags him out as well. SADAKO & DRACULA are eliminated - leaving Dylan Black and Zork Nontext to wait for the next victims...
Zork's archenemy GNUE comes out attached to THE ORIGINAL HUMAN TORCH. I hate how many robot gimmicks SWAT has these days. On their way down to the ring, Original Human Torch FLAMES ON... not realizing the massive beast he's tied too is afraid of fire. GNUE runs away DRAGGING the robot with him. The referees give them a ten count to join the action, but that's ANOTHER TWO DOWN. Black and Nontext are left waiting in the ring, while the audience are entertained by AZTEC Dracula and Bruno having a pull apart brawl at ringside. FLATEARTHER #2 has his dog collar attached to SNIDE ETCH E SKETCH... he kind of drags him along. No sooner have the two entered the ring than Black tosses the 5 pound toy over the top rope - Flatearther is looking for a lockup, unaware that his partner is gone in less than a second. As the referees try to explain the rules to the confused performers and audience, BRUNO throws Sadako at Aztec Dracula like a lawn dart. One of the favorites to win this - Zoran Sainovic walks down with a sickle, tied to The BEEF. As they make it into the ring, Sainovic starts to chase Nontext with the sickle - with Zork defending with his ELVEN BLADE! The Beef knocks Black down with a weak shoulder block, then goes to the ropes to stick out his tongue and scream "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssup" ...and Black knocks him out with a kneelift from behind. Sainovic is shocked that the massive Samoan can't keep up his half of the team, and while distracted has his sickle stolen by Zork Nontext. Black and Nontext continue to wait around. For a match that advertised having over 300 participants, there sure is a lot of waiting around. Rajiv Khan and TREE from Poltergeist look confident on the way down, but halfway down the aisle TREE checks his cell phone. Rajiv Khan asks if there's a problem? To which TREE replies that he moonlights as an UBER driver. ...for fuck's sake. The second they enter the ring, Rajiv Khan KNOCKS HIS OWN PARTNER OVER THE TOP! Khan then dives out after him with a flying axe handle. Khan does not suffer taxi scabs.
Up next comes "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's Beer Man who is collared to the fake Beelzebozo that VVV beat half to death earlier. FBM drags the unconscious fake Beelz down the aisle, which takes forever, but the referees seem to give him some time to do it. In the two minutes he's dragging the body, we eat two minutes so that Bad Boy and Cooper Cordial make it down. Actually having six men in the ring - even the unconscious fake Beelzebozo and thieving hero Zork; with the three dog chains - really messes the minimum action up. It looks like Black is suppose to knock Foster's out, but its impossible to eliminate him because of how tied up they are in Bad Boy's chain. JOLT Cola Lad & Olmec Captain Nemo then join the fray - and that submarine costume is REALLY bulky. With fake Beelz probably dead, it seems like an easy elimination but Foster's manages to fight off Cooper Cordial and Dylan Black.
As Anonymoose tied to Victoria Bitter Boy - who should tag regularly as TEAM REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING - make there way out of the back, the audience finally gets interested again. Not for the players, I think Anonymoose pretty much killed the crowd with that confession match, but because Sirius Man is sent crashing through the curtains. The SWAT Ultimate Title match is still going out, as Astaroth comes out of the back swinging the brazen bull from the earlier torture match like a weapon. Sirius manages to slide out of the way as Astaroth tosses the bull into the guardrail. The crowd are firmly behind the champion, but all Sirius can do is leap around trying to avoid the MONSTROUS FURY of Astaroth. While the cameras focus on the title fight the teams of Horse Boxing Black Stallion / Farmer Vincent & Mad MAX Nolan / Tom Thumb on Steroids join the impossible to follow action.
The power cuts out again! Those monsters.
When we come back, the ring is bursting with sleazy indy gimmicks while the champion is being thrown into ring steps. Mad MAX Nolan is trying to help his longtime partner Foster's BEER Man by keeping people off the unconscious fake Beelzebozo. Anonymoose for his part is unable to tell the difference between the real Beelzebozo and fake one, and explains Industrial Man's villainous machinations in vivid embellished details to his fake boss. "Registered Sex Offender" Frank Wilkes and DINOSAUR BONES come down - and I'm sure they'd get a hero's welcome if the crowd wasn't exhausted and slowly emptying out of the arena. non-descript wrestler who gets really angry when he lands on his keys KICKS the dvd of Mean Girls out of the ring, eliminating Kirk McLaren in the process. Sliding into the ring to avoid a morning star shot, Sirius Man puts Wolf Hansen between himself and Astaroth. Singing Pentagram goes up top for a tope con hilo, but Dylan Black kicks the luchadors feet out from under him eliminating Art Jackson at the same time. Sirius Man THROWS FlatEarther #1 out of the ring at ASTAROTH as a weapon, which causes referees to drag out Kaola Kid. Is Sirius even involved in this match? That shouldn't count. Why the hell am I even listing the eliminations.
ASTAROTH follows Sirius Man into the middle of the rumble. The Dog Faced Luchador handsprings, rolls, ducks, and cartwheels around the different wrestlers, using the chains to keep a fence between him and the guy in the murderous rage for being called a Soul Calibur IV tribute. Anyone who gets between ASTAROTH and Sirius find themselves getting thrown out. I don't recognize half of them but - Terror, Handy Andy, "Wannabe Aboriginal" James Flinders AND their respective partners - all get turfed by the big man. For every wrestler that ASTAROTH tosses, Born Under A Dog Star finds two more to chain around him... as the dance continues the IGA tag team specialist finds himself wrapped up in a dozen of the metal chains. Diving off the corner post, Sirius NAILS the Shooting DOG Star... ONE! TWO! THREE!!!
Winner And STILL S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE CHAMPION: SIRIUS MAN
Rating: -*
The crowd seems pleased that Sirius somehow managed to retain his title... with the assistance of half the locker room. ASTAROTH is NOT as happy. Realizing he can still get killed after the match is over, Sirius stops celebrating like Rocky Balboa - and grabbing the title makes a break for it. Breathing fire, ASTAROTH gets up - shoving Zombie Adrian Tanner and Shipwreck out of the ring. The next person standing in the way of his temper tantrum is Anonymoose...... but there's a problem.
Anonymoose has a hard time getting through the ropes without getting his antlers tangled in them, let along putting him in the stupidest gimmick battle royal ever with forty chains. Everyone has their dog collars wrapped around Anonymoose's sad looking horns. As ASTAROTH tries to shove Anonymoose out of the ring, he ends up dragging half of the boys with him. They all try to pull back, not realizing where the choking force is coming from. In the pull apart, half of the ropes finally break - and a good eighteen men find themselves spilling out to elimination. Astaroth goes with the wave of bodies, kicking away his fury. As the referees hit the ring to remove the partners of the bodies on the floor...
The ring is left with the teams of DYLAN BLACK with ZORK NONTEXT and ANONYMOOSE with VICTORIA BITTER BOY. Anonymoose has to cut off part of his horn to get it away from the mess of chains. When the smoke finally clears and EXHAUSTED Dylan Black is HORRIFIED to find Zork Nontext dangling over the top rope trying to search the apron for loot. Victoria Bitter Boy darts in looking for an easy elimination, but Black manages to get in the way. Dylan Black gets double teamed by Anonymoose and Bitter Boy while Nontext is blissfully unaware, trying to retrieve ASTAROTH's faux killer axe. Victory Bitter Boy tries to go for a school boy, but Black hops over him and drops a leg instead. I never thought I'd see a crowd on fire for Dylan Black, but they cheer hard as he takes time peppering Bitter Boy & Anon with punches. Flashbulbs go off as ZORK NONTEXT finally ads the Soul Calibur Axe to his collection of random loot. Sadly its at this exact moment with Nontext standing on the ropes, that Black backhands Anonymoose into his partner. The impact knocks Zork Nontext to the floor, finally ending Dylan Blacks EPIC run in this backyard hell.
Your final participants are Anonymoose and Victoria Bitter Boy.
Grabbing some Victoria Bitters from a production assistant, Bitter Boy offers Anonymoose a celebratory drink. Not realizing they now have to try to eliminate each other, Anonymoose excepts the questionable aussie beer --- which for anyone who has seen Bitter KNOWS is poisoned. You'd think Regan O'Neil was still in this as Anonymoose starts projectile vomiting... into his moose head. Bitter Boy nails the Lager Driver, and starts to drag Anonymoose to top rope. A number of forearm shots almost get Anonymoose out to the floor... but some violent vomiting forces Anon's body back into the ring. Sneering, Victoria Bitter Boy nails the Lager Dropper and starts to drag Anonymoose back up to eliminate him. Unfortunately the chain is now wrapped around the ropes in an awkward angle, so that when Boy tries to throw Moose out - the weight of Moose hitting the apron almost drags Bitter Boy out. Both men end up on the apron, Moose teasing elimination as he throws up from the poison, while Victoria Bitter Boy tries to bite Moose's hands to make him let go of the top rope. Suddenly Moose breaks out some disco moves and wouldn't you know it "Vile Vince Viper, eat your mom out!" The eye gouge knocks Victoria Bitter Boy off the apron...
Winner: ANONYMOOSE
Rating: -*****? (its really hard to tell what I just sat through)
Post-Match: Incredibly upset at his loss, Victoria Bitter Boy runs around ringside taking back all the free beers he gave out to the crowd. Possibly a career high for Anonymoose, Beelzebozo's manager stares out at the applauding audience not realizing this is probably the happiest moment of his life...... because he has to throw up, and has another rumble to run too.
...Backyard has had some bad ideas in the past, but The Pound takes the cake. Highest recommendation to avoid.