Post by RB Cardone on Oct 12, 2019 18:06:48 GMT -5
The scene begins at a tiny little airport. Coming out of the jetway were two of the newest signees to GCW, Justin Laali and Epitome. Each of them wore a pair of sunglasses that screamed “we’re here to party and have no care whatsoever for appearing fashionable.” Both had huge smiles on their face.
EPITOME and LAALI: Hello Atlanta!
A few airline workers looked at them confused, but ultimately said nothing. Justin Laali and Epitome looked around with sheer disappointment. Next out of the jetway was an older man – probably late 50s by now (we really stopped keeping track of these people long ago – our apologies) – carrying what appeared to be the carry-on luggage for three people. Anyone who has followed the Laali family from their first appearances in 2001 would recognize this man as Bill – the random dude that Joseph and Jason accosted in the early stages of their career and coerced into working for them, but never bothered to learn his last name. While it was initially something akin to a kidnapping, Bill has developed a wonderful case of Stockholm syndrome and has become a true friend of the family – but one that still does a lot of grunt work. He’s not a wrestling manager, he’s more like an unpaid laborer that gave up his entire life to work for a family that appreciates what he has to say so very little.
LAALI: Dude...I’ve got to say...this is totally disappointing.
EPITOME: I know, this is the shittiest big city ever. It’s so...small and rural looking. I hate it.
LAALI: I say we complain to somebody immediately.
BILL: Guys, I’ve been trying to explain to you---
EPITOME: Excuse me, ma’am!
Epitome and Justin Laali completely ignore Bill and walk up to an airport attendant.
ATTENDANT: Can I help you?
EPITOME: I sure as hell hope so! Your city is – quite frankly – terrible. We were told this was a big city, and you look outside and there’s like no freakin’ buildings out there. Newsflash – cities have buildings.
BILL: Guys...
EPITOME: Not to mention, what kind of major city does not have direct flights to it from Los Angeles, the biggest city in the freakin’ world? We had to stop in Dallas, and then up to Pittsburgh for no reason, and then end up this stupid tiny plane for like 20 minutes to get here. None of this makes any sense.
BILL: That’s because...
LAALI: Yeah, and to top it all off – none of you are cartoons. This is incredibly false advertising! Cartoon Atlanta fucking sucks!
ATTENDANT: ...you’re in Altoona.
LAALI: Yeah, (makes air quotes) “Cartoon Atlanta.” We get it. Very unimpressed.
BILL: Can I interrupt for a second?
EPITOME: Bill...you’re being a real fucking drag right now. Hurry it up.
BILL: Remember when we booked this flight to Altoona, and I insisted repeatedly that Altoona was just a relatively small city in western Pennsylvania and – I couldn’t stress enough – NOT a cartoon version of Atlanta? And then we kept arguing back and forth, and you called me a “buzzkill” and “the destroyer of dreams” and “a stupid piece of shit nonsense artist who should just crawl into a hole with no soda and die?” And then you went and booked a 10-hour, two-stop journey to “the cartoon version of Atlanta” anyway?
LAALI: Yeah. Obviously.
BILL: Okay...well...we are in a small town in western Pennsylvania called Altoona, and – I cannot stress this enough – we are NOT in a cartoon version of Atlanta.
LAALI: Well that part we figured out, Bill. Just look around.
EPITOME: Yeah, we’re not stupid. (Points to airport attendant) This bitch is obviously not a cartoon, and has been gawking at us ever since we got off the plane.
ATTENDANT: That’s because you two are each dressed like Uncle Sam getting ready for a beach vacation.
Yeah...it’s probable that the Uncle Sam outfits the The New BOD were wearing were far more notable than their less than fashionable sunglasses. The pair stood out like a sore thumb amongst the rest of the normally dressed people in their everyday routines.
EPITOME: Yeah, that’s because we’re proud of our American heritage! Uncle Sam is the father of our country!
ATTENDANT: Wouldn’t he be...the uncle of our country?
LAALI: You know, this is the biggest problem with America today. We as a society have come to believe that one can only be patriotic on the 4th of July. And it has led to your total gap in knowledge of the history of our amazing country.
EPITOME: But what would you expect from someone who lives in a place that lies about being the cartoon version of Atlanta?
ATTENDANT: I commute from Ebensburg.
EPITOME: And I don’t know what half those words are.
BILL: Guys, can we have an aside for a moment?
LAALI: No Bill, we have business we need to take care of. (To attendant) Now miss, since your town has seriously misled us into believing it was the cartoon version of Atlanta – which is false advertising – we insist you get us booked immediately on flights to the regular version of Atlanta---
EPITOME: Unless there’s a cartoon version of Atlanta!
LAALI: Correct...unless you could get us to the cartoon version of Atlanta, we need the regular version of Atlanta. And we’re gonna need this to be done for free.
ATTENDANT: I can’t do that.
LAALI: I WILL BLOW EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS AIRPORT TO THE FUCKING---
BILL: WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Bill starts to pull both members of The New BOD aside while anyone in earshot has terribly concerned looks on their face.
BILL: (To Attendant) I am so sorry – it’s been a long flight – they are both sex-starved and not thinking straight. When it happens, they get really into oral...
LAALI: Bill!
BILL: ASIDE! NOW!
EPITOME: All right Dad. Jesus.
Bill quickly ushers GCW’s newest tag team away from everyone so that he was able to speak with them in private.
LAALI: Umm, Bill...what the hell was that? I really don’t appreciate you suggesting I wanted to blow dicks in this airport. I’m not some male hooker. And I like boobs, not balls, get it straight.
BILL: (angrily) I know that! But I had to say it so you two didn’t get carried off to jail! You can’t threaten to blow up an airport!
EPITOME: Bill, we get paid for a living to threaten the lives of other human beings. It’s what we do!
LAALI: Yeah, and I really want to blow this place to the ground. It is very confusing, and I don’t like being here. So it’s either that, or strangle everyone to death.
EPITOME: Nothing like a strangulation to get the circulation flowing!
LAALI: (Smiling) Totally!
BILL: Okay...first of all...I have asked you each no less than a dozen times on this trip – please stop incessantly quoting Child’s Play 3.
EPITOME: No can do, Bill.
LAALI: Yeah, it’s the greatest movie that has ever been made, and as such it is now a part of the cultural lexicon. It’s gonna be quoted.
EPITOME: It’s true. The greatest. The list goes like this: #3, Captured. The brilliant straight to VHS thriller from 1998. An absolute classic.
LAALI: Nick Mancuso should have gotten an Oscar nom for his harrowing portrayal of Holden Downs. I will never forgive the Academy for this oversight.
EPITOME: Fucking Tom Hanks and that overrated garbage, Saving Private Ryan. Who even remembers it?
LAALI: #2 is a tie between The Patriot – the Mel Gibson version, not the Steven Seagal version – and The Patriot – the Steven Seagal version, not the Mel Gibson version.
EPITOME: And #1 – keep up – Child’s Play 3. The absolute greatest achievement in cinematic history.
BILL: Guys...I know your list, okay? It’s remarkably bad.
EPITOME: That is distinctly YOUR opinion.
LAALI: Yeah, two against one, bro. Plus, it’s October. There’s legitimately no better time to quote the greatest movie ever made.
BILL: Okay...forget that...we are WAY off topic. Do you remember back when we were heading off to England for the first time in your careers? We flew into London, Ohio despite my insistence that your employer was in England. And you each were on the same page, basically saying, “why would anyone go to the world’s fourth best London?” Behind the ones in Ohio, Kentucky, and Arkansas?
EPITOME: Yeah. Still true.
LAALI: Yeah, we were in the one in England. Place was completely backwards. Their money is in pounds and their weight was in stones? Newsflash: gemstones are worth money, pounds are what you weigh.
EPITOME: I mean, what in the serious fuck?
BILL: And then when we got there and we learned the federation was, in fact, in England, and you started threatening to make a bomb, and I had to cover and say you just wanted Jager bombs...
LAALI: Total lie by the way.
EPITOME: Yeah, that’s a total early 2000s frat boy drink. No thank you. Hard sodas rule.
LAALI: They do. Pound it.
Justin Laali holds out his fist. Epitome gleefully bumps it.
BILL: ...and then had to explain to you WHY you couldn’t talk about bringing an ACTUAL bomb to an airport, even one you were upset with?
EPITOME: It rings a bell.
BILL: Okay, this is basically the same exact scenario. You can’t threaten to blow up airports. You can get in serious trouble. Look, since you want to quote movies, just remember the line from Meet the Parents. “You can’t say bomb on an airplane.” And just...make sure to expand that to include all air travel-related locations. Or, you know, just anywhere.
LAALI: Bill...we’re never gonna remember that.
EPITOME: Yeah, it was an okay movie, but if it’s not top 5, its quotes are not worth remembering.
LAALI: And Meet the Parents is NOT top 5.
EPITOME: No, the top 5 rundown looks like this: #5 – Scrooged. A brilliant, highly quotable holiday movie, but it is only allowed to be watched in the time period immediately following Thanksgiving dinner and bedtime on December 25th.
BILL: GUYS! I KNOW THE LIST! Okay? The list is entirely unimportant to me. That’s not what this is about.
EPITOME: Okay...but, counter point...if anyone has been eavesdropping on this conversation, they’re gonna be pretty pissed that they haven’t heard the full list of five movies. So...I think we should at least wrap it up with #4.
BILL: You’ve already said five movies. Both movies named The Patriot are #2. If you have a tie, you are supposed to SKIP the next number so that way you do not have 6 movies in a top 5 list.
LAALI: I reject this premise entirely. You can’t have one Patriot without the other.
BILL: Okay, well they released another movie named Captured this year, and it’s not on your list.
EPITOME: They remade Captured?!
LAALI: Oh, I am not a fan of that.
BILL: No, they didn’t remake it...
EPITOME: Fine. They “rebooted” it. Fucking 2019 has to be so god damned difficult with its PC language.
BILL: IT’S NOT A REBOOT! Same as The Patriots are two different movies. This new group of people made a movie with the same title, probably not even knowing the other movie existed because you two are the only ones who would watch that garbage.
LAALI: Well that’s just wrong, we show that movie to everybody.
EPITOME: Yeah, and nobody has ever said, “Well that movie sucked” because it’s a fucking masterpiece. Jessie – my wife, his sister – loved it. Because of course she did.
BILL: Fine...whatever...just finish the stupid list.
EPITOME: It’s not stupid, but thank you.
LAALI: #4 – The Beast of Yucca Flats. Because not every old black and white movie sucks ass.
EPITOME: “Flag on the moon, how did it get there?” See? Top 4. I can quote it just fine.
BILL: ...I’m going to go buy tickets to get us the hell out of Altoona.
Bill turns around to return to the airport attendant.
LAALI: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
EPITOME: I feel like he was probably the reason we messed up and ended up in this stupid town anyway.
LAALI: Let’s go hit up the soda machine.
EPITOME: Dude, good call.
The New BOD leave to go get sodas, basically wrapping up this glorious return. Will our heroes find stocked soda machines? Will we ever learn why they were wearing full Uncle Sam costumes? Does anyone regret yanking us out of retirement yet? Answers to other questions and probably never these ones coming soon!
EPITOME and LAALI: Hello Atlanta!
A few airline workers looked at them confused, but ultimately said nothing. Justin Laali and Epitome looked around with sheer disappointment. Next out of the jetway was an older man – probably late 50s by now (we really stopped keeping track of these people long ago – our apologies) – carrying what appeared to be the carry-on luggage for three people. Anyone who has followed the Laali family from their first appearances in 2001 would recognize this man as Bill – the random dude that Joseph and Jason accosted in the early stages of their career and coerced into working for them, but never bothered to learn his last name. While it was initially something akin to a kidnapping, Bill has developed a wonderful case of Stockholm syndrome and has become a true friend of the family – but one that still does a lot of grunt work. He’s not a wrestling manager, he’s more like an unpaid laborer that gave up his entire life to work for a family that appreciates what he has to say so very little.
LAALI: Dude...I’ve got to say...this is totally disappointing.
EPITOME: I know, this is the shittiest big city ever. It’s so...small and rural looking. I hate it.
LAALI: I say we complain to somebody immediately.
BILL: Guys, I’ve been trying to explain to you---
EPITOME: Excuse me, ma’am!
Epitome and Justin Laali completely ignore Bill and walk up to an airport attendant.
ATTENDANT: Can I help you?
EPITOME: I sure as hell hope so! Your city is – quite frankly – terrible. We were told this was a big city, and you look outside and there’s like no freakin’ buildings out there. Newsflash – cities have buildings.
BILL: Guys...
EPITOME: Not to mention, what kind of major city does not have direct flights to it from Los Angeles, the biggest city in the freakin’ world? We had to stop in Dallas, and then up to Pittsburgh for no reason, and then end up this stupid tiny plane for like 20 minutes to get here. None of this makes any sense.
BILL: That’s because...
LAALI: Yeah, and to top it all off – none of you are cartoons. This is incredibly false advertising! Cartoon Atlanta fucking sucks!
ATTENDANT: ...you’re in Altoona.
LAALI: Yeah, (makes air quotes) “Cartoon Atlanta.” We get it. Very unimpressed.
BILL: Can I interrupt for a second?
EPITOME: Bill...you’re being a real fucking drag right now. Hurry it up.
BILL: Remember when we booked this flight to Altoona, and I insisted repeatedly that Altoona was just a relatively small city in western Pennsylvania and – I couldn’t stress enough – NOT a cartoon version of Atlanta? And then we kept arguing back and forth, and you called me a “buzzkill” and “the destroyer of dreams” and “a stupid piece of shit nonsense artist who should just crawl into a hole with no soda and die?” And then you went and booked a 10-hour, two-stop journey to “the cartoon version of Atlanta” anyway?
LAALI: Yeah. Obviously.
BILL: Okay...well...we are in a small town in western Pennsylvania called Altoona, and – I cannot stress this enough – we are NOT in a cartoon version of Atlanta.
LAALI: Well that part we figured out, Bill. Just look around.
EPITOME: Yeah, we’re not stupid. (Points to airport attendant) This bitch is obviously not a cartoon, and has been gawking at us ever since we got off the plane.
ATTENDANT: That’s because you two are each dressed like Uncle Sam getting ready for a beach vacation.
Yeah...it’s probable that the Uncle Sam outfits the The New BOD were wearing were far more notable than their less than fashionable sunglasses. The pair stood out like a sore thumb amongst the rest of the normally dressed people in their everyday routines.
EPITOME: Yeah, that’s because we’re proud of our American heritage! Uncle Sam is the father of our country!
ATTENDANT: Wouldn’t he be...the uncle of our country?
LAALI: You know, this is the biggest problem with America today. We as a society have come to believe that one can only be patriotic on the 4th of July. And it has led to your total gap in knowledge of the history of our amazing country.
EPITOME: But what would you expect from someone who lives in a place that lies about being the cartoon version of Atlanta?
ATTENDANT: I commute from Ebensburg.
EPITOME: And I don’t know what half those words are.
BILL: Guys, can we have an aside for a moment?
LAALI: No Bill, we have business we need to take care of. (To attendant) Now miss, since your town has seriously misled us into believing it was the cartoon version of Atlanta – which is false advertising – we insist you get us booked immediately on flights to the regular version of Atlanta---
EPITOME: Unless there’s a cartoon version of Atlanta!
LAALI: Correct...unless you could get us to the cartoon version of Atlanta, we need the regular version of Atlanta. And we’re gonna need this to be done for free.
ATTENDANT: I can’t do that.
LAALI: I WILL BLOW EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS AIRPORT TO THE FUCKING---
BILL: WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Bill starts to pull both members of The New BOD aside while anyone in earshot has terribly concerned looks on their face.
BILL: (To Attendant) I am so sorry – it’s been a long flight – they are both sex-starved and not thinking straight. When it happens, they get really into oral...
LAALI: Bill!
BILL: ASIDE! NOW!
EPITOME: All right Dad. Jesus.
Bill quickly ushers GCW’s newest tag team away from everyone so that he was able to speak with them in private.
LAALI: Umm, Bill...what the hell was that? I really don’t appreciate you suggesting I wanted to blow dicks in this airport. I’m not some male hooker. And I like boobs, not balls, get it straight.
BILL: (angrily) I know that! But I had to say it so you two didn’t get carried off to jail! You can’t threaten to blow up an airport!
EPITOME: Bill, we get paid for a living to threaten the lives of other human beings. It’s what we do!
LAALI: Yeah, and I really want to blow this place to the ground. It is very confusing, and I don’t like being here. So it’s either that, or strangle everyone to death.
EPITOME: Nothing like a strangulation to get the circulation flowing!
LAALI: (Smiling) Totally!
BILL: Okay...first of all...I have asked you each no less than a dozen times on this trip – please stop incessantly quoting Child’s Play 3.
EPITOME: No can do, Bill.
LAALI: Yeah, it’s the greatest movie that has ever been made, and as such it is now a part of the cultural lexicon. It’s gonna be quoted.
EPITOME: It’s true. The greatest. The list goes like this: #3, Captured. The brilliant straight to VHS thriller from 1998. An absolute classic.
LAALI: Nick Mancuso should have gotten an Oscar nom for his harrowing portrayal of Holden Downs. I will never forgive the Academy for this oversight.
EPITOME: Fucking Tom Hanks and that overrated garbage, Saving Private Ryan. Who even remembers it?
LAALI: #2 is a tie between The Patriot – the Mel Gibson version, not the Steven Seagal version – and The Patriot – the Steven Seagal version, not the Mel Gibson version.
EPITOME: And #1 – keep up – Child’s Play 3. The absolute greatest achievement in cinematic history.
BILL: Guys...I know your list, okay? It’s remarkably bad.
EPITOME: That is distinctly YOUR opinion.
LAALI: Yeah, two against one, bro. Plus, it’s October. There’s legitimately no better time to quote the greatest movie ever made.
BILL: Okay...forget that...we are WAY off topic. Do you remember back when we were heading off to England for the first time in your careers? We flew into London, Ohio despite my insistence that your employer was in England. And you each were on the same page, basically saying, “why would anyone go to the world’s fourth best London?” Behind the ones in Ohio, Kentucky, and Arkansas?
EPITOME: Yeah. Still true.
LAALI: Yeah, we were in the one in England. Place was completely backwards. Their money is in pounds and their weight was in stones? Newsflash: gemstones are worth money, pounds are what you weigh.
EPITOME: I mean, what in the serious fuck?
BILL: And then when we got there and we learned the federation was, in fact, in England, and you started threatening to make a bomb, and I had to cover and say you just wanted Jager bombs...
LAALI: Total lie by the way.
EPITOME: Yeah, that’s a total early 2000s frat boy drink. No thank you. Hard sodas rule.
LAALI: They do. Pound it.
Justin Laali holds out his fist. Epitome gleefully bumps it.
BILL: ...and then had to explain to you WHY you couldn’t talk about bringing an ACTUAL bomb to an airport, even one you were upset with?
EPITOME: It rings a bell.
BILL: Okay, this is basically the same exact scenario. You can’t threaten to blow up airports. You can get in serious trouble. Look, since you want to quote movies, just remember the line from Meet the Parents. “You can’t say bomb on an airplane.” And just...make sure to expand that to include all air travel-related locations. Or, you know, just anywhere.
LAALI: Bill...we’re never gonna remember that.
EPITOME: Yeah, it was an okay movie, but if it’s not top 5, its quotes are not worth remembering.
LAALI: And Meet the Parents is NOT top 5.
EPITOME: No, the top 5 rundown looks like this: #5 – Scrooged. A brilliant, highly quotable holiday movie, but it is only allowed to be watched in the time period immediately following Thanksgiving dinner and bedtime on December 25th.
BILL: GUYS! I KNOW THE LIST! Okay? The list is entirely unimportant to me. That’s not what this is about.
EPITOME: Okay...but, counter point...if anyone has been eavesdropping on this conversation, they’re gonna be pretty pissed that they haven’t heard the full list of five movies. So...I think we should at least wrap it up with #4.
BILL: You’ve already said five movies. Both movies named The Patriot are #2. If you have a tie, you are supposed to SKIP the next number so that way you do not have 6 movies in a top 5 list.
LAALI: I reject this premise entirely. You can’t have one Patriot without the other.
BILL: Okay, well they released another movie named Captured this year, and it’s not on your list.
EPITOME: They remade Captured?!
LAALI: Oh, I am not a fan of that.
BILL: No, they didn’t remake it...
EPITOME: Fine. They “rebooted” it. Fucking 2019 has to be so god damned difficult with its PC language.
BILL: IT’S NOT A REBOOT! Same as The Patriots are two different movies. This new group of people made a movie with the same title, probably not even knowing the other movie existed because you two are the only ones who would watch that garbage.
LAALI: Well that’s just wrong, we show that movie to everybody.
EPITOME: Yeah, and nobody has ever said, “Well that movie sucked” because it’s a fucking masterpiece. Jessie – my wife, his sister – loved it. Because of course she did.
BILL: Fine...whatever...just finish the stupid list.
EPITOME: It’s not stupid, but thank you.
LAALI: #4 – The Beast of Yucca Flats. Because not every old black and white movie sucks ass.
EPITOME: “Flag on the moon, how did it get there?” See? Top 4. I can quote it just fine.
BILL: ...I’m going to go buy tickets to get us the hell out of Altoona.
Bill turns around to return to the airport attendant.
LAALI: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
EPITOME: I feel like he was probably the reason we messed up and ended up in this stupid town anyway.
LAALI: Let’s go hit up the soda machine.
EPITOME: Dude, good call.
The New BOD leave to go get sodas, basically wrapping up this glorious return. Will our heroes find stocked soda machines? Will we ever learn why they were wearing full Uncle Sam costumes? Does anyone regret yanking us out of retirement yet? Answers to other questions and probably never these ones coming soon!