Baby, It's Cold Outside (GW 5)

[Mongo the Destroyer]

THUMP THUMP THUMP

*We open as the king of all evil, the vanta…est of vantablack, Lord Dominicus pounding on the door of “his” home in Bethesda, Ohio.*

LD: OH COME ON! LET ME IN! Is this because your husband died on my watch? That was over a year ago and it happens all the time to henchmen! Is it because the child wants to follow in my footsteps? I promise I’ll teach him the proper ways of evil until he usurps me, then I’ll be so proud before I try to kill him to regain my control…assuming I rule the world at the time. IT’S THE CIRCLE OF TYRANNY!

*He bangs on the door more before finally turning around and slumping against it, crossing his arms on his surprisingly festive (for a being of pure darkness and evil) sweater. His masked face looks at the camera and sighs.*

LD: How much of that did you see?

Cameraman: Only the parts where you looked pathetic

LD: That was all of it- wait, HEY! Anyway, why are you bothering me at MY MANNOR?

Cameraman: Uh…you have a match at Galaxy Wars Five.

LD: I do? Oh that’s right. What’s his name? Rent-a-Hero. As you can see I have more pressing matters than some sort of Create-a-Wrestler with a STUPEFYINGLY SILLY superhero bent. I’ve been locked out of my adopted home. I mean, it’s not really my house and usually the MITE-SIZED MINION who is the son of my former henchman lets me in an his mother gets angry- but that’s not the point!

*He huffs.*

LD: You want some words? Fine. Rent-an-Idiot is a loser. Like do the minds behind PSW think this is some sort of joke? Oh send the village idiot in a cape against the EMPEROR OF DESOLATION, ha ha.

*Dominicus golf claps.*

LD: I’m insulted. Here I decide to grace PSW with my star power and talent and here I am facing off against that….thing? I’m Lord Dominicus! The REAL Lord Dominicus! The Lord Dominicus so dark, so terrible that I usurped the original Lord Dominicus- and he’s still active last I heard! NOBODY COMPARES TO ME! So yeah, Lend-a-Cosplayer can go suck on those words as he walks into probably his millionth failed mission.

*Lord Dominicus points at the camera.*

LD: Satisfied? Now scram, I’ve got important business to take care of.

*Without checking to make sure the cameraman is leaving, LD continues his previous task (trying to convince his not-wife to open the door to his not-home that he is absolutely locked out of).*

LD: Is this about money? I’ll give you more of it when I get paid again! I’ll….I’ll buy you a garden where your flowers can bloom! I’ll uh….I’ll buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new! I can buy us a new life! A life built on the back of the serfs below our feet who aren’t worth our concern!

THUMP THUMP THUMP

LD: LET ME IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

*The camera fades*