Valentine's Day Fraud

[anthonycaffrey]

(Originally posted here)

“Life is like a box of chocolates. A bunch of idiots think you never know what you’re going to get, but if you actually do the work and examine the bigger picture, you’ll have a pretty good idea.”

The lights come up on the best wrestler from Philadelphia, sorting through a box of chocolates. He is dressed in a sharp black suit. He looks at the label on the box of chocolates before picking out a single bonbon. He chucks it straight into the fire.

“Coconut. Worse than pineapple on pizza. It’s a pizza, not a fruit salad.”

He turns to look directly into the camera.

“Just another thing that doesn’t belong where it is, yet some people will adamantly defend it as if it’s some revolutionary concept.”

He rolls his eyes before holding up the rest of the box.

“Valentine’s Day. A day full of love, affection, and friendship. A day where you hold your loved ones a little closer and tell them how much they mean to you by showering them with gifts, taking them out to expensive restaurants for dinner, and if you play your cards juuuuust right, you’ll get blown at the end of it!”

Caffrey’s laugh quickly devolves into a full-on cackle. He waves off the camera.

“F it, keep filming. That’s as close as I’m going to get to keeping a straight face while talking about such a bullshit holiday.”

He takes a few moments to regain his composure.

“This holiday is a completely made-up thing to sell greeting cards and a bunch of other tacky crap. In 2016, it was estimated that the total sales in the Valentine’s Day industry -- yes, because everything is about making someone else money and don’t you damn forget it -- would have sales reaching $19.7 billion. That’s twenty billion with a “b” dollars because a bunch of jackass marketers convinced you that instead of sitting around bitching about how absolutely miserable the weather is this time of year, you should buy their crap that you don’t need and you’ll only use once.”

He waves around the box of chocolates.

“Come to think of it, I don’t even know why I bought this. I’m not going to eat this. I have a tight figure to maintain. These round little candies are only good for the round little slobs shoving them in their disgusting maws tonight.”

He bends the box in half, destroying it.

“Well, more like giant slobs. You can’t eat a box of chocolates in a sitting and keep any shape beside a circle.”

He smirks before turning more serious.

“My problem with this holiday is that it’s all bullsh~t. It’s like the claim that Seth Dillinger is the best wrestler in the network. Calling him the face of the network is only apropos because they’ve got his face on everything. Billboards, banners, t-shirts… hell, the AWF is the Seth Dillinger Show featuring maybe Chris Card if he ever gets healthy again.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Seth’s a good wrestler. Sure. I’ll give ‘em that. Not great. Made a career out of getting whooped all over the States, but the man can talk. He’ll spin ideological arguments at you like that people are good at heart until you have some weird seizure dream fever like Michael Storm did.”

He shakes his head even harder than before.

“And if you don’t buy it in those moments? Well, don’t worry! We have the rest of the LGBTKO and their sixty-billion awards for not being completely ass---”

A small smile appears on his face.

“--pun not intended--”

He manages to hold back a laugh.

“--when in reality it’s Ryan Young, who the AWF will continue to pour a ton of resources into to making Maverick 2.0. Did you see him drop that loss to Dra- to Draven? I did! The problem with them making him into new Maverick is that they also get ALL of the same performance issues. Most likely to win gold? Of course he’s likely to win gold! He has Seth there to carry him in just like in the Fired Up tournament!”

The hand motion Caffrey makes by bringing his hand into his face and out again just seems to scream “DUH!” at the camera.

“And then Bloodied Fox, who would still be toiling away for the Phoenix Championship in the undercard if he only liked women.”

Caffrey shrugs, knowing he’s not lying.

“But you’ve been sold on a facade, ladies and gentlemen. You see this?”

He reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out his AWF contract. He walks over to his fireplace.

“This piece of paper was voided just a few days ago. They didn’t want to pay me my money. They didn’t want to bow and kowtow to the hardest working man in the federation, which is fine. I was never in love with a company that preaches about hope, sportsmanship, and honor in a wrestling industry and world where none of those things actually exist. It’s all a lie, and Seth Dillinger himself will sell you it for the cost of admission and a rainbow-colored LGBTKO t-shirt.”

He rips the paper in half and tosses into the fire as if it were nothing. He turns back to face the camera.

“Seth, while I not only left to explore greener and greener pastures in SWAT, where I will absolutely kick the crap out of Timeless and his little associate very, very soon…”

He waves his finger at the camera, knowing what’s to come.

“I’ve got more than a bone to pick with you. I can’t stand you. My whole body hates you. Let me be very clear: I don’t want your championship. This isn’t about your boyfriend or your preferences. None of that crap. I just want to beat you. I want to take you on in the center of my ring, and I want to expose you to the entire wrestling world. I want the whole world to watch you have to admit to yourself that you don’t have what it takes and tap out in front of thousands of people. I want the whole world to know that like Valentine’s Day itself, you are a giant fraud.”

He holds his arms out.

“And not just the XHF Network. The whole world. Why else would I upload this to the Internet rather than that echo chamber? The whole network’s just as bad as the AWF at pretending you’re some kind of wrestling God and we should all worship at your feet and praise your ideals. Give me a break. The Key to the Network? It’s voted for by a group of guys who hate me for being the hardest working man in this business and being better than them. I’m sure the other guys in the back were happy to reward the posterboy who helps them get paid. Because if that award was on actual in-ring talent, I’m not even sure you finish top five.”

He sarcastically counts down on his fingers from five to one.

“Jack Diamond, “Lucky” Linda La Fey, Bobby Barratt, Zoran Sainovic...”

His last finger is his middle one.

“...and number one, Anthony Caffrey.”

He smiles his sinister smile to the camera for the first time.

“I don’t want to just expose you --- I want to expose all of your ideas. All of your visions of hope, kindness, and love in wrestling and the world. Get that shit out of here because, at the end of the day, we all know it isn’t true. I’m tired, Seth. I’m tired of listening to your self-idolizing speeches and I’m tired of sharing my city with someone so incredibly two-faced. You can keep lying to everyone and keep making money off of the stupid people who believe you, but the facts are the facts: time will pass, your friends will abandon you in favor of their own careers, your partner will leave you for someone more stable. That’s your future, and it’s been verified by the past. As for the now, though... all of the hippie-peace-love crap you preach and sell won’t be able to save you from eating an elbow and screaming for mercy as I destroy you and the image of Seth Dillinger.”

He walks over and returns to his seat. He has a sip from the glass of wine he’s been working on.

“Philadelphia. You and me, Seth. The Key to the Network vs. The Kingpin. Live on the XHF Network. My chance to show the world that underneath the facade, there’s nothing more to you than just being the gay version of James Dragon. And just like Dragon before you, you’ll get beaten so badly that you’ll stop preaching to us about how your lifestyle and mentality makes you so much better than the rest of us. Your grasp on the XHF is coming to an end. There’s no running from it. There’s nothing left for you to spin---”

He puts a hand up, realizing he’s wrong.

“Actually, there will be. I can’t wait to watch your speech when you crawl back to AWF and have to admit to the world that none of this peace, love, and happiness bullshit you preach actually matters. You’re going to have to admit that the world is made and run by people like me, the hardworking and the driven. I’m sure you’ll try to spin something about failure and bouncing back, but there is no bouncing back. I’m about to show the world that the Key of the Network can’t crack the XHF Kingpin. The world will learn that Seth Dillinger is nothing more than a couple of colorful t-shirts and a pride flag.”

Caffrey smiles his sinister smile before laughing at the camera. The camera fades to black.