Battleground 24 : The Greek Tragedy (Show)

[Venom 🕷]

OOC: Sorry I couldn’t get in before the match, personal issues.


We open up back stage in front of a door with a paper sign that reads El Combatiente. The camera man reaches and opens the door and when he does the sign flies up and we can see the Janitor Closest sign under it briefly before the door swings open. The shelves have been covered with paper to hide the supplies and the large (for a closet) room holds two chairs where El Combatiente and Javier are sitting face-to-face.


Javier: What happened out there?


El Combatiente: I wasn’t ready.


Javier: What? We studied, we worked, we did everything like we did last show.


El Combatiente: Yes, and it wasn’t enough. Last week we got lucky. My opponent was just as unprepared for me as I was for him and I was able to capitalize. Tonight Frostbite was ready and I was not.


Javier: I don’t believe I’m hearing this. You can’t be serious right? You weren’t ready? I know you were ready, it has to be something else.


El Combatiente: No, it cannot be. I just need to work harder. Watch more tape. Better prepare. Get more time in with younger opponents while training. I’ve lost a step with age and last week I was able to mask it because of the element of surprise. This week I was not prepared and I was not the better man and it showed. I could barely stand by the end of the match.


Javier: Ridiculous. Frostbite wasn’t much better off.


El Combatiente: He may not have been but he was better off enough to get the sweet victory while I laid on the mat feeling the agony of defeat. Plain and simple I need to work harder. Who knows what could be in store for me next. I don’t want this comeback to fail.


Javier: It won’t, it can’t. I’ve put to…we’ve put too much into this for it to fail. I mean look at this exclusive solo locker room I landed you in our deal. No on…not many others on the roster get this. You’re a star. The people running the place here with SWAT know it, I know it, the fans know it, and in your heart you know it. This will not fail because you have the heart of a champion and it cannot fail as long as your heart is in it.


El Combatiente: My heart is in it, but maybe not enough. I need to get in the work and continue taking these bumps. I was a fool to think that after one victory I was back and ready to take on the world. There is still so much to learn. This is a roster full of men who have been wrestling like this for months, years, even decades and I’ve been at home training others for the last decade. I need to crawl before I can walk, walk before I can run, and run before I can fly off the ropes like I used to. Tonight Frostbite made me realize I’m barely crawling. Maybe we should take a show off to get me going again.


Javier is visibly shaken. He was not ready for this.


Javier: No, no we can’t do that. You may feel like you’re steps behind with that metaphor, but you’re not. I concede, tonight Frostbite was out of your league right now, but next show you’ll be ready, I’ll make sure of it. I’ll get you ready. I can’t aff…We can’t afford a night off. I’ll make sure your next opponent is on your current level and we’ll go from there, trust me.


El Combatiente reluctantly nods in agreement with his manager and the camera man backs out of the room as El Combatiente reaches down and starts removing his pads from his legs and the door shuts as we cut to the next scene.

[tuxbang]

[Open to Tuxedo Mask backstage, feet kicked up on a table as he ices his knees.]

Tuxedo Mask: Ugh, I'm in the epicenter of the hot new viral craze and all I got was tendonitis? Worst Eurotrip ever.

[Rally Jackson is in the background with a gyro, pouring Greek hot sauce on it for some reason. He is not wearing a shirt and wipes some spilled sauce on his belly. It leaves a stain that glistens on the yellowing fluorescent lights of the back rooms. Tux notices and considers being disgusted, but decides against it due to effort and slumps more into his already relaxed state.]

Tuxedo Mask: I guess we're saving on airfare but if I wanted to slum it with a fat guy I could just go to San Bernadino and hang out with Jack Black. Of course he might try to do something zany and relevant but honestly that's half of this wrestling roster.

[Tux eyes Rally, who is enjoying his meal more as a trophy than anything.]

Tuxedo Mask: But hey, a win by DQ is still a win, right?

[Rally gives a thumbs up]

Tuxedo Mask: Glad I can do my part for the Society and rack up some wins, but uh... hey has Jonnie paid you anything yet?

Rally Jackson: He gave me a coupon for some free Chipotle but they were all expired. They still took them, so I don't know how to feel about it yet. Was he trying to short me or did he know it'd work?

Tuxedo Mask: You work for burritos?

Rally Jackson: Don't we all?

Tuxedo Mask: Actually, maybe. Hard to tell since we're in Greece and I'm definitely operating on 50% brain cells since I left that drug-fueled orgy in Montreal awhile ago- man I really need a nap and some tea, but I digress, we got away with it this time but let's prep for the next match better if we're doing this tag stuff.

Rally Jackson: I prepped just fine. Didn't even break a sweat.

Tuxedo Mask: You were extremely shiny.

Rally Jackson: That was gyro grease.

Tuxedo Mask: Do you have to pay taxes on that?

Rally Jackson: I don't pay taxes on anything.

Tuxedo Mask: That's what Jonnie did and why both of us are subsequently here. Funny how the world works. Ah well, I'm gonna head out. See you at the airport when we head out to... wherever we go next. Society of the New Breed's Eurotrash Tour 2020! Featuring Yanni!

Rally Jackson: Oh I like him. We should have him as our theme.

[Fade out]

[SWAT Team]

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless and Syberus up next – Title on the line – No love lost Andrew

.
Andrew Fulton : What is love Jerry?


Jeremy Tucker : I take it the Greek barmaids aren’t responding to your charms?


Andrew Fulton : I even learnt some Greek to better deliver my chat up lines and I am still plum out of luck. They just don’t know a good thing when they see it… or hear it…

[Orion - Eternity (Chillout Version) hits and Turner struts down the aisle, glaring at the crowd with contempt and disgust. Roxylishus stops to interact with one of the crowd, then wretches and turns away heading to the ring, she gets up on the apron and holds the ropes down for Turner.


Roxylishus grabs the mic and passes it to Turner.]


Timeless : I got passion in my pants and i ain’t afraid to show it.


Crowd : I’M, SEXY AND I KNOW IT!


Timeless : No (holding his hand up to block them) You’re not! I (points to himself with his thumb) AM!


[Timeless drops the mic and saunters smugly around the ring impressed with himself.]


Frank Salazar : Introducing now, hailing from New Hope, Minnesotta. Coming in at 6’3 and 262 pounds .... accompanied to the ring by Roxylishus ...Representing the KGB .... TIMELESS ALEX TURNER!!!



Jeremy Tucker : With the belt on the line, with Timeless holding this title before, with the animosity and hatred from the KGB / New Breed influence, you have got to have this down as one of the best match-ups of the night right?


Andrew Fulton : Seriously, all joking aside, looking at it impartially … Are love and romance real anymore? …


What woman could resist the chat up line “My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?” TRANSLATED into perfect Greek for her listening pleasure don’t forget?! If that doesn’t show commitment and bravery when opening a dialogue with a beautiful woman in a foreign country, I don’t know what does.


Jeremy Tucker : You’re a nightmare Fulton… It’s a wonder you weren’t arrested with a filthy line like that to a complete stranger.


Andrew Fulton : Hey?! It’s not a party until the Police are called at least twice… am I right?

"Two Notes Shy Of An Octave" by Red City Radio kicks off and the crowd pops, Syberus doesn't leave them waiting long though and pushes his way out from the curtain. He takes a second to look around at the audience on the stage before pumping his fist in the air with a "YEAH!!" and swaggering his way down to the ring, high fiving a few fans on his way. He wears a black sleeveless wrestling robe with "The Society of the New Breed" embroidered on the back.


Frank Salazar : Introducing now, hailing from Manchester, England. Coming in at 6’ and 232 pounds ....representing the Society of the New Breed .... Your International Champion… 110%... SYBERUS!!!



Jeremy Tucker : The bell has rung and we’re underway…


Andrew Fulton : Syberus is still in the aisle taking his robe off? The referee must have a date tonight… Lucky bastard…


Jeremy Tucker : Syberus runs around the ring steps and slides into the ring... The combatants lock up... Syberus grapples, shifts and fireman lifts Timeless... Samoan drop! ... Timeless rolls out of Syberus's reach and gets back up clutching his back.... Syberus mocks Timeless... They pace around the ring.... They lock up... Timeless backs Syberus up into the corner.... The referee calls for a break... Timeless breaks... and gives a clean break? ...Syberus is pleasantly surprised... They pace around each other... They lock up... Timeless slips Syberus into a side head lock... Syberus tries to prise Timeless’s hands off... but Timeless pulls harder and Syberus drops to one knee... Syberus walks Timeless to the ropes... They bounce off the ropes together... Syberus pushes himself free of the head lock and dives to the floor as Timeless rebounds and has to jump over him ... Syberus’s pops back up... Timeless off the other rope on the rebound ... they meet in the middle with a clash of shoulder blocks and both men crash to the mat... both men are quickly back to their feet .... They lock up..... Syberus backs Timeless into a corner... the referee calls for the break... Syberus looks like he's giving a clean break... but he goes for a haymaker... Timeless sees it coming and drops suddenly; still backed into the turnbuckles... Syberus holds his hand in pain after punching the top turnbuckle... Syberus tries to knee Timeless instead, but Timeless blocks the blow with his own knee and rolls out of the corner to get some space…


Andrew Fulton : Timeless waits in the middle of the ring and gives Syberus the finger... Syberus is fuming... he rages at Timeless as they lock up... Syberus slips Timeless into a side head lock... It looks like he's trying to pop his head clean off... Timeless pushes Syberus to the ropes... They bounce off the ropes together... Timeless tries to push Syberus off....but Syberus uses a hand full of hair to hold on then reapplies the headlock... Timeless complains to the referee... The referee was unsighted but asks the question… Syberus denies any hair pulling… Timeless is down to one knee...


Jeremy Tucker : Is that a choke hold? …


Andrew Fulton : That my friend is not a chokehold…


Jeremy Tucker : Are you sure?


Andrew Fulton : 110% sure.

.. See what I did there?

Jeremy Tucker : ...Timeless slumps to two knees... The referee is telling Syberus to let go of the hold? ...he says Syberus’s changed his grip to a choke ... the referee counts 1… 2… 3… 4… Syberus is annoyed but let’s Timeless drop to the canvas and pushes the referee out of his face … The referee comes steaming back, hot at Syberus for putting his hands on him, shouting and threatening a DQ …. Syberus seems to realise how close to a DQ he is, backs off a pace and tells the referee to calm down then goes back after the downed Timeless ... Timeless drags Syberus down into a neat small packages...


1… 2… kick out!


Andrew Fulton : Syberus rolls to one of the corners… before he can get up Timeless runs over and field goal style punt kicks Syberus in the face… Hell! That’s three points on any given Sunday… Timeless lifts Syberus up, steps in behind him... German Suplex! ...Syberus clutches his neck and shoulders....


Jeremy Tucker : Timeless pulls Syberus up, whips him into the ropes.... Syberus back off the ropes... high elevation! ...Timeless flips Syberus clean over the top rope to the outside!!!!! ... Wow... What a bump!


Andrew Fulton : I think Timeless is trying to kill the guy...That was insane… Nearly took out that beautiful valet of his too… Roxylishus nearly became Roxycrushus…


Jeremy Tucker : Timeless heads outside... pulls Syberus up... runs him back first into the apron... Syberus is hurting... Timeless grabs Syberus… FALCONS ARROW!!! On the outside!!!... Timeless rolls Syberus back into the ring and follows... Timeless covers


1… 2… foot on the rope!


Andrew Fulton : Timeless is angry at the referee, but that won’t change the count… That should have been the end right there… Will Timeless regret not getting his positioning right there… Less haste more speed means the early bird will catch the worm…


Jeremy Tucker : … Any other mixed metaphors for us Fulton?


Andrew Fulton : …It’s as clear as the nose on your elbow, you can’t tell your arse from you’re your face?


Jeremy Tucker : Why did I even ask? …Timeless pulls Syberus up… big punch and another AND another... Syberus is staggered... Timeless whips Syberus into the ropes... Timeless off the opposite ropes as well...meet in the middle... Flying forearm by Timeless! ...Timeless pulls Syberus up.... Syberus looks out of it... does he know what day it is? ...Timeless goes to whip Syberus into the ropes... Syberus slips out of his grasp… grabs Timeless around the head… DIAMOND CUTTER!! … Out of nowhere!! ...What a way to cut off that momentum... both men are down..... The referee starts to count them both as they’re both not moving …1… 2… 3…


Andrew Fulton : Hang on the production team is in my ear, harping on about something, we’re introducing some backstage action on the split screen function for you folks… I didn’t even know we could do that outside The States… Is that Eddie D and Trent Jones? …still fighting!?


Jeremy Tucker : That’s insane. Their match finished ages ago…



The pictures appear in the split screen, the cameraman is in a backstage corridor and capturing the scene as best he can in the poor artificial lighting. Eddie D and Trent Jones look in bad shape, both men laboured but still sporadically lashing out with big right hands at each other... The commentary continues on the goings on in the ring… but the split screen remains.



Andrew Fulton : Meanwhile back on the ranch… Syberus is still down but moving towards the ropes …… the referee continues the count …. 4…… 5 ……6…….. Timeless is on the move too and with the help of the turnbuckles is first up... Timeless crosses to drag Syberus up… but Syberus grabs him as he rises… CODEBREAKER!...


Jeremy Tucker : both men are down again... The referee starts to count them both as they’re both not moving …1… 2…



Andrew Fulton : Viewers at home can see things are hotting up backstage on the other half of their screens… Eddie’s nose is bleeding… Trent Jones has a swelling around his left eye… Oh my… Trent Jones has got Eddie D in a sleeper hold?… Oh but only briefly, Ouch, Eddie leapt back and crushed Trent Jones against the corridor breezeblock wall… Trent goes to grab Eddie again, but Eddie spins around, kicks Trent to the gut… DDT! …on the concrete floor! Trent Jones is down, but Eddie looks exhausted too… Finally Security are there to break them up… I think we can lose the split screen for now folks, I think they’re finally done…



Just before the split screen is lost you see paramedics and security fill the small corridor as unbelievably the two men still incredulously find the energy to hit out at each other as they lay on the floor next to each other…



Jeremy Tucker : …In the ring both men are still not on their feet …the referee continues the count 3… 4… 5… Timeless rolls to the edge of the apron and unceremoniously drops to the arena floor… Roxylishus looks concerned for her man… Syberus is up and moving again…


Andrew Fulton : ... The referee is telling Syberus to stay in the ring... Syberus pushes the referee aside and heads out after Timeless... Timeless has got back up... Syberus throws a line of verbal abuse at Roxylishus… She tries to square up to Syberus defiantly, but the referee shouts for her to not risk a DQ and Timeless pulls her out of harm’s way as Syberus heads after Timeless again…


Jeremy Tucker : Syberus gives Timeless a series of chops to the chest… The referee is counting both men out… 1… 2… 3… Roxylishus shouts encouragement to Timeless… Timeless is still on his feet but staggered... Syberus grabs Timeless and bashes his head off of the Apron edge and throws him back into the ring... Timeless uses the momentum to keep rolling… Timeless slowly gets up using the opposite ropes...


Andrew Fulton : As Syberus enters the ring via the steps he gives the referee a mouthful a ;ecture the he is the good guy here and to get it together, yeah, some good guy.

Jeremy Tucker : He means well, whats he meant to do, wrap his opponents in cotton wool and pat them on the backs and tell them how great they are? The fans love him, and thats what matters ...Timeless and Syberus pace around each other... where are they finding the energy from... Timeless and Syberus lock up... Syberus whips Timeless into the corner.... Timeless reverses at the last... Syberus smashes hard into the buckles... Timeless dives into the corner with a flying back elbow and crushes Syberus in the corner.... Timeless goes to hip toss Syberus out of the corner.....but Syberus rakes his eyes..... Timeless clutches his eyes and staggers out towards the centre of the ring... Syberus starts to scale the ropes... Timeless was exaggerating his distress... Timeless shakes off the ineffective eye rake and before Syberus gets settled on the top rope, Timeless shakes the ropes... Syberus falls across the turnbuckles a leg either side....


Andrew Fulton : Damn! …That’s gotta hurt.... Timeless clambers up the turnbuckles... Drags Syberus back to the corner…. Sets Syberus up... SUPERPLEX! …


Jeremy Tucker : Timeless rolls to the ropes and pulls himself up...he looks out to the fans... looks at Syberus… Syberus is not moving … He senses the opportunity to get his belt back… Does he go for the Turnabout? Does he go for the Sharpshooter?


Andrew Fulton : He’s going to have to make a decision quickly… Timeless looks out at the fans again and heads over to Syberus and hoists him up in a fireman’s carry position… Syberus punches Timeless in the ribs, manages to roll off of Timeless’ back and escapes the Turnabout that was sure to come… Syberus spins Timeless around … kicks him in the guts… PURE CONFIDENCE!!!! (Single arm underhook… EDGECUTION!!! (Impaler DDT)… Syberus covers…


1… 2… 3!


Frank Salazar :Winner by PINFALL and still INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION… SYBERUS

Jeremy Tucker : Huge win to Syb, he really has Timelesses number.

Andrew Fulton : Do you think he has Roxylishus' number as well? I have been after that for years Jerry.

[gorgeousgreg]

Gorgeous Greg is in the lockerroom with his tag team La Famiglia

Gorgeous Greg: well boys, we pulled it off. Our debut here in this federation and you win big time.

Stefano: Si,si. Greg. It was tough match. Those Indians know how to wrestle. But what about this elephant?

Antonio: great match. Good teamwork, just like you taught is.

Greg: i am so proud of you. La Famiglia is proud of you. I just got off the phone and the family is proud of you two and they want us to continue here in this federation.

Stefano: and what about...

Greg: we will talk about that later

Antonio: but shouldn't we tell the people about.....

Greg: no not yet, the family is not ready yet.. soon we will tell the fans out plans. But now..... it is time to celebrate.....

[mosler]

[Having spent the better part of the day arguing with the SWAT’s board of directors that in the face of Corvo-19, the European tour really should be cancelled, only to be told that Syberus really wants to wrestle in Manchester, Zoran Sainovic is ready to kill someone.]


[Well, almost ready. Locally sourced labour is still digging the great pit of Carkoon to shove Donovan’s ass into. Despite his tired comedy antics, Donovan USED to be a serious title contender. He’s certainly the only member of the Society of the New Breed that doesn’t put Sainovic to sleep. No, if anything was going to light a fire under Marty – giving him a shot for the most important title in the federation, in a star wars themed match should do it. Or break him.]


[Violent coughing.]


[Everyone looks scared.]


[Pulling a pink handkerchief from his breast pocket, Zoran Sainovic wipes some sand from his lips. He thought it would be a good idea to put some distance between himself and the main show. Less KGB members trying to prove they’re still relevant, Society of the New Breed members trying to prop up Donovan like its more than a two man operation, and less accountants to scrutinize the commissioner’s superior money laundering skills. It sounded good on paper. Who knew the desert had so much sand?]


Child in an R2D2 suit: Beep Bop Boop Beep Beep.

Zoran Sainovic <grimace>: I don’t understand your accent.


Dejected looking child in an R2D2 suit: You have company.


[Looking out into the sandy dunes, Sainovic grimaces at the sight of an unpleasant man in a five piece suit. Anderson. From accounting. Forcing a smile, Sainovic waves from his rusty space ship looking scaffold, which currently towers over an increasingly large pit.]


Zoran Sainovic: Anderson, what are you doing here? You should be working from home, my friend.


Anderson: I have some paperwork which is-


Zoran Sainovic: I’m sure zat Rose didn’t make an appointment.


Anderson: It is VERY important for me to check these figures with you.


Zoran Sainovic <shit>: Sure. Well, since you’ve come all zis way...


[From atop his futuristic scrap heap, Zoran waves the accountant forwards. Anderson looks apprehensively at the massive hole being dug out, then at the flimsy plank that connects to the scaffolding.]


Anderson: Is it safe?


Zoran Sainovic: Ha! Is it safe? What a cut up. Do you zink we’re having zis match in Africa because of lapse building regulations? Of course its safe! <turning his back on him> Come on up here you big joker y-


Anderson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


#CRASH#


Day Laborour C3PO <yelling down the pit>: Sir, are you alright?


Zoran Sainovic <shrugging>: Ze sand is a bit much.


Knockoff Bobba Fett: Your friend fell down the pit.


Zoran Sainovic <looking up>: Oh. Zat is awful. <yelling in the general direction of his feet> Don’t worry Anderson, we’ll save you. <back to his crew, eyes gleaming with sadistic zeal> How deep down is it at zis point?


Elderly Woman Bib Fortuna: 50 feet.


[That’s awful.]


Elderly Woman Bib Fortuna: But we hit on an underground cave, so if you roll into the hole that could be another eighty feet drop.


Zoran Sainovic <trying to suppress joy>: Poor Anderson. Well contact ze local authorities to get him some medical help and evacuated. No race. He did roll on sand for awhile, so I’m sure zat broke his fall. Prioritize lining ze walls of ze pit with sharp objects. Zis IS a death match and we have a show to put on. Anderson would understand.


[The collection of cosplay help go back to their tasks, as Sainovic turns his attention to the camera.]


Zoran Sainovic: I don’t know what to tell you, Marty. Did you get bored with your Disney plus ad gimmick before ze rest of us? <cringe> I don’t see how zat could be possible. It was incredibly lame. Only looking fresh and with it compared to Valentine’s shtick! Your humour is ze only zing zat keeps him from mass producing your promos like he did, Mask. How did you lose your heart? Was it zat title shot I gave you against Syberus? <eyes narrow in suspicion> Did working a single match with Syb kill your will to live? <softening> I get it. Rally Jackson gave up on a Hardkore Frank tag tournament because he was sick of working with him. Syb has zat affect on people. So if zat was what extinguished your smile, I apologize.


See as ze commissioner, it is actually in my best interest when ze company doesn’t fail... zus zis. <waves hand at the hot sandy backdrop covered in lame sci-fi trappings> All zis was designed to bring back ze Marty Donovan zat was WORTHY of challenging titles and headlining shows. I gave you zis shot to make SWAT look good, cause god knows zat ze XHF is watching. It looks like we’re diminishing ze quality of challengers, and ze next thing you know, I have a shittier entry spot in ze rumble. As management, it is what I would do.


Do you know how many people want a shot at zis belt? Do you have any idea how much more worthy ze jobbers of MCCW are to challenge for it zan you in your current state? Is there some sort of bet going for if you can make ze Society look less professional than zey already are? <runs a hand through his thinning hair> I guess what I’m trying to say is... if you don’t bring your A game, I’m going to take it out of your hide.


Send you crashing down to be digested by ze Sarlacc over ze next hundred years.


You might come back from zis. Give us your hot take on CRAVE or Prime in a few years, but I doubt it.


No. Zis is a grave.


Here lies Marty Donovan. Buried under ze weight of his own fanboy bullshit.


[Turning his back to the camera, Sainovic looks down into the massive pit just as sharp wooden posts are being driven into the sandy walls. This is going to be bloody.]

[ManMountainFierce]

[Open the scene to a single tear gliding down the benevolent cheek of everyone's favorite bearded hillbilly, James"Don't you freaking call me Jimmy" Fierce.]

Fierce: Sun, that is art. I cannot, shall not be in a position to create on the artistic level that you just pulled off. Bravo dear, sir, bravo.

[The scene ends, with Fierce patting away the lone tear of artistic appreciation.]

[SWAT Team]

[ "My Heart Beats With People" by Jonnie Valentine hits and jonnie comes out dressed in a red tasseled jacket. Red trunks and white boots with "JV" embroidered on them. Jonnie jogs down to the ring, slapping fans hands, doing a full lap around the front row. He finds a geeky teen singing his theme song, and he sings along with them. He pulls on the top rope to vault inside the ring and does the double guns to the crowd, holding the SWAT World Title up in the air for all to see. ]

Frank Salazar : The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Entering first hailing from Palm Springs, California. Coming in at 5’10 and 234 pounds .... he the SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION .... JONNIE VALENTINE!!!!

Frank Salazar: And the challenger, from Hollywood Hills, He comes in at 6'4" and weighs in at 245lbs... CHRISTIAN SEBASTIAN KENNEDY!!!

[ "Vilify" by Device plays and the crowd rocks with boos as the lights go out with a spotlight dimming on the center stage. CSK is shown with his back facing everyone and his arms spread out. Black lights are used in the arena until getting into the ring. He turns and dumps a golden chalice filled with some strange liquid on his head. ]

Andrew Fulton: It's called Holy Water, people.

[ The referee takes the belt and presents it to the crowd. He hands it to the time keeper who then rings the opening bell. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie and CSK lock up dead centre. A jostle for position before CSK gains the upper hand.

Andrew Fulton: Jonnie reverses into a hammerlock. A wince from CSK as Jonnie wrenches up on that bad boy.

[ The crowd burst out into an early chant of “Jonnie! Jonnie! Jonnie!” ]

Jeremy Tucker: The Grecian crowd very much behind the SWAT World Heavyweight Champion already here.

Andrew Fulton: But a reversal from CSK, right into a hammerlock of his own.

Jeremy Tucker: This is quite the opportunity for Christian Sebastian Kennedy, a veteran of the business but not long returned to SWAT.

Andrew Fulton: No doubt it would send shock waves through the locker room.

Jeremy Tucker: CSK forces Jonnie into a corner. The SWAT World Heavyweight Champion elbows his way free.

[ CSK backs off holding his jaw. Jonnie pops out with a clothesline, the crowd heat up. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie with an Irish Whip, taking CSK down with a back body drop.

[Jonnie plays to the crowd and they pop big. CSK catches him from behind with a rollup however. ]

Referee Cody Moss: 1... (Jonnie kicks out)

Andrew Fulton: The champion could have been caught out there.

Jeremy Tucker: CSK ducks a clothesline and drops Jonnie with a neckbreaker!

[Jonnie Valentine rolls around clutching his neck. CSK drags him back to his feet. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Kennedy with the irish whip this time, hip toss over and applies an abdominal stretch.

[Jonnie groans in pain and the referee asks him if he wants to submit, he refuses, kicking his heels at the canvas and motioning for the crowd to get behind him. ]

Jeremy Tucker: The crowd here in Greece strongly in the SWAT World Heavyweight Champion's corner.

Andrew Fulton: Doesn't matter – CSK is now in control and applying some real pressure with that stretch.

[Jonnie tries to turn into the pressure but CSK elbows him in the face and re applies the hold.

Jeremy Tucker: Nothing doing for Jonnie Valentine, but the momentary distraction has allowed him to creep closer to the ropes.

Andrew Fulton: Kennedy doesn't realise this – he's going to have to break the hold if Jonnie gets a foot to the rope.

Jeremy Tucker: He does! And the ref orders CSK to break the stretch, who isn't happy about it.

Andrew Fulton: He needs to just keep on the offence, not let these set backs distract him.

[Jonnie thumbs CSK in the eye and then ramps his head into the top turnbuckle. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie lights up CSK's chest with some knife edge chops!

[The crowd let out the obligatory “wooo!” after each chop, which Jonnie gratefully receives. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie eases off letting CSK out of the corner. He goes for a vertical suplex but Kennedy with the block. CSK with a vertical suplex of his own!!

[The crowd boo as Kennedy gets back to his feet and applies a waistlock. ]

Andrew Fulton: Kennedy following up with a back suplex, folding the champion in half!

Referee Cody Moss: 1... (Jonnie kicks out)

[CSK pulls Jonnie up and whips him to the ropes. He lifts a knee into his midsection bending Jonnie over. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Kennedy with the bulldog! Jonnie's face driven directly into the canvas.

Andrew Fulton: This is a good period of dominance for the challenger, CSK should keep this up, keep the aggression going and take it to the champion.

[Kennedy pulls Jonnie's head into his legs for a powerbomb but Jonnie blocks it. CSK slaps the back of Jonnie's neck with some forearms then pulls him up for the powerbomb. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie Valentine escapes with a facebuster! Great counter!

Andrew Fulton: CSK almost had him.

[Despite the counter it's Kennedy who's back to his feet first holding his jaw. Jonnie stumbles back up but straight into a facebuster. ]

Referee Cody Moss: 1... 2... (Jonnie kicks out)

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie unable to make the most of his escape from the powerbomb attempt. Look at CSK now, choking the champion with that top rope!

[The crowd hails with boos as the referee does a four count and orders Kennedy to release Jonnie Valentine. Kennedy spreads his arms and soaks in the jeers from the crowd. ]

Jeremy Tucker: CSK is here for one reason; the SWAT World Heavyweight Championship.

Andrew Fuleton: Absolutely, he's not here to make friends.

[CSK pulls Jonnie up into a crushing brainbuster! The crowd can't help but let out a huge “OOOHHH!!” at the impact. ]

Jeremy Tucker: You could almost feel that!

Andrew Fulton: I think I did... I'll be taking some time off!

Referee Cody Moss: 1... 2... (Jonnie kicks out).

Jeremy Tucker: Kennedy can't believe it but the world title is not in his grasp just yet. Jonnie is pretty much motionless after that huge brainbuster.

Andrew Fulton: Jonnie landing high on his neck and head, at his advanced age, he can surely only take so many of those.

Jeremy Tucker: Exactly HOW old is he for that matter?

Andrew Fulton: Scholars can't agree.

[CSK pulls Jonnie up who fires into life! He pops a right hand off CSK's jaw! And another, and another! The crowd roaring to life with each shot. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie comes off the ropes – straight into a boot from Christian Sebastian Kennedy!

Andrew Fulton: The fight back was short lived.

Jeremy Tucker: The crowd don't like it but CSK, the challenger here for the SWAT World Heavyweight Championship, is back in the driver's seat.

[CSK does a throat slitting motion, signalling for the end. ]

Jeremy Tucker: But Jonnie Valentine with a jawbreaker! CSK rocked back and rebounds off the ropes, into an arm drag!

Andrew Fulton: Valentine comes off the ropes with a baseball slide, taking Kennedy down!

Jeremy Tucker: Jonnie with the DDT! This could be the opening he needs!

Referee Cody Moss: 1... (CSK kicks out)

Jeremy Tucker: No! Not yet.

Andrew Fulton: Kennedy shadow boxing back to his feet, dazed by the DDT.

[Brutalizer Double crucifix cross face submission]

Jeremy Tucker : What a move by Valentine! CSK is reeling, he is gone Fulton!

Andrew Fulton : TAP!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : CSK gets a toe on the ropes.

[Double stomp to the back of the elbow by Valentine]

Andrew Fulton : Jonnie picking him apart now Jerry.

[Torture rack helicoptered into rude awakening by Valentine]

Jeremy Tucker : No cover .... CSK staggers to his feet ... PICTURE PERFECT DROP KICK!!! The Top Guy nailed it! Covers CSK ...

One ................................

Two .................

THREE!!!!!

Frank Salazar : Winner of the match, and STILLLLLL SWAT World Heavyweight Champion ..... Top Guy JONNIE VALENTINE!!!!

My Heart Beats With People" by Jonnie Valentine hits and he raises the SWAT World Belt in the air in victory as we fade.

[SWAT Team]

[Familiar John Williams music starts pumping over the PA system.]


Jeremy Tucker: Well fans, that music can only mean that its now time for the main event. In which one of Hardkore World’s most beloved stars, Marty Donovan, tries to claim the commissioner’s XHF X*Crown for the Society of the New Breed.


Andrew Fulton: Valentine is our world champ, Syberus the International, with Rally and Tuxedo going for the tag titles, the only straps that were left were the Amazon and X*Crown. It was a no brainer. I don’t envy the Society though... the X*Crown is at the top of the pecking order. Can you imagine how irritating Marty would be for them with the biggest belt?


Jeremy Tucker: Jesus.


Frank Salazar: Ladies and gentlemen... this is your main event for the XHF X*Crown!


*MONSTER POP*


[The SWAT tron in the arena starts showing images of sand.]


Frank Salazar: Coming to us LIVE from Tatooine by way of Tunisia it is a Great Pit of Carkoon Death match! ...The only way to win is to throw your opponent off the sand barge into the deadly pit below...


[The camera cuts from a shot of the location on the tron, to the live feed from Tunisia. A rusty platform made up to look like that sand barge / hovercraft from Return of the Jedi is suspended above a massive pit by scaffolding. Sadly they couldn’t find any carnivorous plants to fill it with, so instead the hundred-foot drop is lined with sharp wooden stakes, barbwire, glass, and fire ants. A number of roadies dressed as star wars characters stand on the far side of the ship, trying to use a rope ladder to escape this death trap. At the front of the ship, Darth Vader himself, dressed as Darth Vader, stares down into the pit.]


Frank Salazar: Already on the scaffo- er- ship... your champion, the commissioner himself, ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


[Darth Vader looks up in surprise as Marty Donovan’s hand glides over to the rusty platform with a glider that looks impressively like a cardboard millennium falcon. Marty is decked out in a Luke Skywalker episode 4 outfit. Before Vader can react, Marty dropkicks him in the helmet.]


Frank Salazar: And the challenger... coming to us from the Magic Kingdom, Orlando, Florida – The New Hope! Marty Donovan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jeremy Tucker: There is no bell for him to attack before, but its safe to say Donovan caught the commissioner off guard. Marty now just kicking away at Sainovic, who is having a hard time covering up!


Andrew Fulton: It’s the costume. Looks cool, but I don’t know how Sainovic can see under that Vader mask, let alone defend himself.


Jeremy Tucker: Marty with a jumping DDT onto that metal deck. Kneeling on Sainovic’s throat for a choke, while punching away! For those that didn’t think Marty Donovan would take this title shot seriously, I have to say, he’s on fire!


Andrew Fulton: Well... he is hysterically exclaiming that Zoran isn’t his father.


Jeremy Tucker: I wouldn’t want that either. Why? Is that a star wars reference?


Andrew Fulton: Come on man!


Jeremy Tucker: Irish whip sends Sainovic charging dangerously close to the edge, only for Marty to step on his black cloak – stopping the commissioner dead in his tracks AND choking the man again!


Andrew Fulton: Sainovic begging off, but Marty is pretending his hand has been cut off – and is so incensed by his own head games that he’s stomping a hole in Sainovic!


Jeremy Tucker: Marty again standing on Zoran’s throat, and Sainovic gasping for air, but Marty pretending those flailing arms are choking him with the force. Marty holding his throat in pain from the invisible choke, but that isn’t stopping him from standing on Sainovic’s throat! I think he’s seeing how long he can hold his own breath? 36 seconds. Marty knows he can do better so starts selling the force again for a whole minute!


Andrew Fulton: As Marty celebrates his personal best breathing record like he just won the Hardkore World title, Zoran is reaching around in his Vader get-up, doesn’t seem to be able to communicate in that thing. Should have sprung for a James Earl Jones voice box.


Jeremy Tucker: Our commissioner is nothing if not frugal. Still he’s pulling out a piece of paper, trying to hand it to Marty.


Andrew Fulton: Probably a pink slip. Marty isn’t falling for it! Catches Zoran with a scoop slam! Steps on the champion’s crotch on his way to leaping up onto a railing, and dives off – RIVER CITY RANSOM!!!


Jeremy Tucker: Marty busting out insanely risky moves given the whole object is about to fall!


Andrew Fulton: What can I say, he’s absolutely dominating the champion, he has every right to be over confidant. ... And Marty is at his best when he’s over confidant, which just happens to be all the time.


Jeremy Tucker: Marty stomping away, while calling over one of the fleeing production assistants dressed as a pig man.


Andrew Fulton: Gamorrean.


Jeremy Tucker: Using the pig man’s shoulders to elevate himself, Marty dives off with an Ode to Romero!!! Crushes Sainovic like a damn bug!


Andrew Fulton: I can’t believe what we’re seeing! That Blanket Fort death match must have taken more out of Sainovic than we thought, because Marty is a force to be reckoned with!


Jeremy Tucker: There is a REASON he was given this title shot, those that remember his championship runs will tell you, Marty Donovan is one of the very BEST of the BEST. Sainovic trying to raise a hand in defence, but Marty kicks it aside, and dives in...







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Jeremy Tucker: THE DIS-KNEE!!!!!








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Andrew Fulton: RIGHT where the chin would be! I know this stage is Return of the Jedi, but it might as well have been Attack of the Clones, because Zoran was DEAD ON ARRIVAL!


Jeremy Tucker: The champion out like a light, and Marty dragging him by the cloak, over to the edge. Could this be...



















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WILHELM SCREAM
















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Andrew Fulton: NEW CHAMP! NEW CHAMP! NEW CHAMP!


Jeremy Tucker: MARTY DONOVAN HAS JUST THROWN ZORAN SAINOVIC INTO THE PIT! The former champion is completely unconscious, but rolling violently down that sandy mound, through the horribly sharp weapons, down, into the darkness below!


Andrew Fulton: MARTY DONOVAN IS THE XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION!!! If the folks at the XHF thought that the blanket fort match was inane bullshit, they’ve never heard of Marty Donovan!


Jeremy Tucker: Marty just realized his hand wasn’t cut off! No sold. Couldn’t this be the happiest day of his life? Now, stopping to pick up that pink slip that Zoran was trying to hand him, because he’s easily distracted.








[The camera pulls in tight on the scrap of paper.]



“Dear Elisabeth,
I have discovered the whereabouts of the missing winnings purse from the No Man’s Land tournament. This suggests corruption on the highest level. I don’t know whom I can trust within the organization, let alone accounting, but we have always seen eye to eye. Please meet me off site at our next event, where I shall show you the books that confirm this damning scenario. This is a matter of some urgency. Please be discrete,
ZS
P.S. For the purposes of not raising suspicions, and because it makes your flight tax deductible, kindly wear the enclosed costume.”




[…]











Andrew Fulton: So wait...











Zoran Sainovic: What did you do?!


[Marty, and the camera, spin around to find Zoran Sainovic very much alive, well, and still X*Crown champion. Cosplay is Marty’s gimmick, not Sainovics. Decked out in his usual high-end suit, Sainovic is on the warpath.]


Jeremy Tucker: So, Darth Vader wasn’t Zoran Sainovic at all, but Liz from accounting?


Andrew Fulton: She’s like 68-years-old.


Jeremy Tucker: That certainly explains why Marty was so dominant.


Andrew Fulton: There is no way that she could survive that fall.


Jeremy Tucker: Sainovic with a nefarious scheme to get rid of yet another accountant.


Andrew Fulton: Marty is a murderer.


Jeremy Tucker: Hard right hook from Zoran catches the killer on the jaw. The force knocks Marty close to the edge of that platform. He teases falling in, only to use the pig man to pull himself back! Another shot from Zoran busts Marty open, while knocking him back into the railing.


Andrew Fulton: Marty mugging the production assistant that looks like Boba Fett, stealing the bounty hunter’s laser pistol. Who’s laughing now? Marty looks surprised when the pistol not only doesn’t vaporize the champion, but is also just a useless piece of plastic.


Jeremy Tucker: Vicious right hand almost breaks Marty’s jaw. Marty trying to use the laser gun to see if he can bluff his way out, but Sainovic taking it away and clubbing him over the head like it was a ladies’ shoe. Hard plastic draws blood.


Andrew Fulton: A few more laser gun “shots” send Marty staggering back over to minimum wage Boba Fett. Again trying to mug the poor PA for a weapon. Produces...










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Andrew Fulton: BABY YODA!!!









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Andrew Fulton: MARTY DONOVAN TOSSES BABY YODA!!!













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Andrew Fulton: ZORAN SAINOVIC CATCHES BABY YODA!!!!












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Andrew Fulton: MARTY DONOVAN DROPKICKS BABY YODA INTO ZORAN SAINOVICS’ FACE!!!!!!!














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Jeremy Tucker: The impact sends Zoran Sainovic rolling towards the edge – but he puts the breaks on. Pulls himself back onto the platform.


Andrew Fulton: Spot of the year, I tell you!


Jeremy Tucker: Then its worth repeating! Marty Donovan retrieving the cute green thing, and again throwin-


Andrew Fulton: MARTY DONOVAN THROWS BABY YODA AT ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!! AND...










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Andrew Fulton: ZORAN SAINOVIC DUCKS! HE DUCKS!!! HE JUST LET BABY YODA GO FLYING INTO THE SARLACC PIT!!!!!














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Andrew Fulton: That monster!!!!!!


Jeremy Tucker: Audience did not like that at all. Marty tries to knock Sainovic off the platform with a shoulder tackle, but Sainovic knocks him aside with a STIFF backhand shot. Zoran following up. Marty tries to pull Boba Fett in the way as a human shield, but Sainovic with a left cross KNOCKS Fett off the platform. I think his threshold for fantasy worlds has reached its limit.


Andrew Fulton: Marty Irish whipping the Gamorrean at Sainovic, but the commissioner with a drop toehold sends that poor production assistant after the elderly woman and infant in the pit. Still it was all the time he needed to get to a bag of tricks, and producing...



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Andrew Fulton: A LIGHTSABER!!!!!!!


Jeremy Tucker: Marty Donovan CUTS Zoran Sainovic in half! At least he would, if his lightsaber wasn’t a useless piece of plastic. Plastic is still painful though, so at least it leaves a mark. Sainovic with a vicious headbutt, rocks Marty off his feet.


Andrew Fulton: Zoran reaching into that bag, pulls out a lightsaber of his own... but reaching into his coat pocket for a can of lighter fluid. Wait.


Jeremy Tucker: His lightsaber looks a little more accurate. Swinging that flaming sword at Marty. Donovan rolls out of the way. Another swing! Marty manages to block with his own!


Andrew Fulton: Duelling lightsabers! I don’t know how long this will last, as Zoran’s is already dripping hot plastic.


Jeremy Tucker: Marty swings, and Zoran catches him on the hand, burning him. Marty swings again, and AGAIN Zoran catches him on the hand, forcing him to drop his sword.


Andrew Fulton: Marty backing off – but Zoran again using that flaming toy on Marty’s hand. Oh no! Marty thought he got rid of the behanding spot earlier, but if Zoran is on board for this enactment, Marty is screwed!


Jeremy Tucker: Wide eyed, Marty brings up his non-burnt arm to protect, which is just what Sainovic wanted. Letting go of the burning plastic, grabs the outstretched arm, and drags Marty into a cross armbreaker!


Andrew Fulton: Marty trying to roll out, so Sainovic flips hi-


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Andrew Fulton: Marty Donovan IS dangling off the side of the ship! The only thing keeping him from falling into the pit is the arm that Zoran is hyperextending. It wasn’t meant to bend that way!


Jeremy Tucker: Marty’s weight fully off the ship, threatening to drag Zoran with him, but the commissioner has his heels dug in, and is holding fast!


Andrew Fulton: Marty with no where to go but down, but even being devoured by a plant for a thousand years has to be less painful than that armbar! Zoran refusing to let it go. Donovan tapping! He’s tapping out!


Jeremy Tucker: This is the second title defence that had nothing to do with pinfalls or submissions where Zoran insisted on it anyway.


Zoran Sainovic: Hey Marty... Gredo shot first.















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WILHELM SCREAM!!!!











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Andrew Fulton: Having got the submission, Sainovic still dropping Marty Donovan into the Great Pit of Carkoon! Watching Marty roll down through those wooden spikes, barbwires, cactuses, best of Hell’s Bouncer DVDs, broken glass, scorpions, and fire ants... before disappearing from view into darkness... PROBABLY to never be seen again... I don’t think Zoran could have hurt him more than with that digitally enhanced Han shoots second burn.


DING! DING! DING!


Frank Salazar: The winner of the Great Pit of Carkoon... and STILL the XHF X*Crown champion...


ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jeremy Tucker: Another successful defence by Zoran. The commissioner looking scarier by the day, going into the XHF’s big rumble, only one obstacle remains. Wait, he’s gesturing over the camera.


Zoran Sainovic <pulling himself up>: My bloody reign christened by LEGO. From slumber parties to a galaxy far, far away... one zing has become clear. I am champion of infants playing at being men. Not warriors but ze childish concept of masculinity.

<wiping some blood from his eye> Playtime is over. I will drag each and every one of you, kicking and screaming, into ze burdens of adulthood. Its your coming of age, SWAT, XHF. So as long as I am ze standard of zis collective’s excellence, I would advise you all to grow up... <sneer> man up.


[Looking down into the pit, Sainovic spits blood. Hopefully it hits Marty Donovan.]


Andrew Fulton: I hope Liz broke Marty’s fall.


Jeremy Tucker: We are out of time fans, next battleground – Zoran Sainovic takes on that big bad bustling bandit himself, Paul Soutter! Who will be king of the XHF going into the rumble? Tune in