The Fear

[anthonycaffrey]

The scene opens with Anthony Caffrey fidgeting around with his new phone camera. He does that look that everyone does where they’re trying to figure out if it’s on and running.

ANTHONY CAFFREY

Hopefully that’s good this time. Third time’s the charm, right?

He nods and takes a few steps back, walking back to a podium he has set up in front of a curtain. The podium is his “With a Cup of Caffrey” podium from his old late-night talk show. 

ANTHONY CAFFREY

Well, this is fuckin’ weird.

The lack of response gives away what Caffrey’s about to say next.

CAFFREY

How do you give a press conference without a damn press?

He scratches his head. The usually confident Caffrey looks absolutely baffled.

CAFFREY

It’s like, weird. Right? The last time the world like-- just had something coming over it like this was probably nine years ago. I don’t know how anyone’s going to find their swag right now. It’s a little hard to do the usual “fuck you I’m better than you” routine. The coronavirus is a very real thing. I think there’s still some questions people have about everything going on, and let’s be honest, President Kanyon’s response to this whole thing has been fuckin’ shit. Maybe we should have elected a guy for more than his ability to appeal to wrestling crowds?

Caffrey rolls his eyes.

CAFFREY

I digress. I wanted to talk to you about two things: #1 is the Rumble, and #2 is the other asshole from Philadelphia.

Caffrey smirks.

CAFFREY

Let’s start with the Rumble. I HATE that it’s in like the most infected country on the planet. I get that the island is basically private, but oh man getting there is going to suck. Hope y’all have your travel plans. I’d be convinced Bobby isn’t Rumbling this year because he’s worried about the travel, but we all kinda know it’s because the rumors of me entering the Rumble have been pretty loud, and if 2019 taught us anything, it’s that Bobby Barratt can’t beat Anthony Caffrey.

Caffrey naturally pauses, waiting for some kind of response. He does not get it.

CAFFREY

So uh-- yeah, I’m in. I mentioned it on SWAT last week, but I’m entering the 2020 Rumble.

Again a pause, and again nothing. Caffrey coughs a dry cough and tries his best not to hide his eyes going wide as hell, but it doesn’t help much. He addresses the camera again.

CAFFREY

Allergies. Fuck you.

The anger in Caffrey’s voice is palpable.

CAFFREY

I made bank selling the Diamond Lounge. I’m a millionaire athlete, not a fucking commoner. I can get tested if it comes to that because I’m worth more to society than any of you.

The sinister smile on Caffrey’s face is as dickish as ever.

CAFFREY

And don’t you ever forget it.

He wags a finger at the camera.

CAFFREY

I don’t need to give you a big “I’m winning the Rumble” speech this year. We already all know I’m a favorite. Three months ago I told y’all I’d be undefeated in singles action. And now it’s going to be April and that’ll still be the case. 305 days as AXW Undisputed Champion. Final four last year after hours. And go watch any of the latest battle royals -- took six assholes and cement shoes to get me out of the SWAT one. From the moment I entered Destiny’s battle royale, I had a target painted on my back.

Caffrey moves out from behind the podium, walking closer to the camera. He holds it up to his face.

CAFFREY

The fear is real. Assholes may come and go, but the Tower will stand long after they’re gone.

Caffrey makes a reference to his promo from France a few weeks ago.

CAFFREY

Let’s talk about Seth. Now Seth, I saw your challenge. And honestly? You made it a week ago after dragging your ass dealing with ‘tasha. You’ve been running scared, no doubt about it. But now we live in a completely different world than a week ago when you made your challenge. Literally. The whirlwind has been crazy.

Caffrey’s just as caught up in the news as everyone else.

CAFFREY

So I’ll tell you what -- when this all blows over, when I can stop worrying about phrases like the words “social isolation”, and we can actually properly have a fucking show? Like a real show? In front of our statemen and our city? Where I can embarrass you in front of all of your friends and family and make you regret ever printing one of your dumb fucking t-shirts? You’re on. Team Dillinger vs. Team Caffrey. The Key vs. The Kingpin.

Caffrey gives another natural pause as he puts a hand up to guide his thoughts.

CAFFREY

I’m sure it’ll be the entire Three Stooges and I’ll have to find other guys. That’s fine. Maverick 2.0 and the man whose boyfriend is more interesting than him. I’m not scared of them. They come for me and my team, I’ll come for them. In fact, I’m getting into the tag team business soon enough. The Anzac Cup is coming up for SWAT, and I shook enough trees to find myself a world-class partner. We have the chemistry, the skill, and the ability to win out the whole tournament… and then you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to take your fucking tag team championships just because I can. Come June, I could be X-Crown Champ, SWAT World Heavyweight or International Champ -- because who the fuck’s gonna stop me, Jonnie Valentine? 110% Syberus has only managed to stop me so far because he’s too chickenshit to get in the ring with me -- and XHF Tagteam Champ. And some of you are sitting there going, “well shit, there goes Caffrey with another big statement, Goddamn, he’s so cocky I hate him” -- but when the fuck have I EVER not backed it up? We all KNOW I’m the best fucking wrestler in the XHF today! 

Caffrey takes a half-bow toward the camera as he finally takes a breath after his rant.

CAFFREY

The fear is real, boys. While you’re locked away in social isolation for the next few weeks, popping out of your hive just to go wrestle, I want you to start game-planning on how the fuck you’re going to stop me from eating your lunch. It ain’t happenin’. I told you all at the top of the year this was my year, that it was the Year of Caffrey. Come the Rumble, it’s just confirmation bias. Everyone’s been running around for months afraid of Anthony Caffrey. At the Rumble, when the night ends with me raising the X-Crown up high above my head… it’ll just be another piece of evidence confirming the facts. I will officially be The Best… and there’s nothing any of you will be able to do to stop me.

The final thing we see is Caffrey’s sinister smile before he ends the recording.