Choice Paralysis (Bloodied Fox Rumble/Tag Titles RP#1)

[bloodiedfox]

Christ, I knew I should have done something early before everyone in the universe decided to promo...

Bloodied Fox is in his apartment, seated on his couch. He tosses the tablet he was holding aside with a sigh (don't worry folks, it's in an otterbox case).

It's my own fault. With lockdown in effect, everyone's got a lot more time to focus on promos, and given the XHF Rumble has 45 announced competitors, along with fuck knows how many surprise entrants, it should have been obvious that actually watching, analysing, and responding to everything would be a fool's errand. Now I have no idea where to start. I mean, I did. I had this whole bit planned where I made Caffrey's cookie recipe, then claimed they were shit, like him, but Hannah Rockford beat me to the punch. I suppose it was kind of an obvious approach. Nearly as obvious as how Caffrey can't back up the shit he talks.

He winks to the camera.

I could address the promos that mention me, but a quick scan shows there aren't that many of those. Makes sense. I'm not exactly what you'd call a main eventer, and since I hadn't promoed for the Rumble, why bother? The most I got was a sidelong mention in Rat Bastard's shit stirring at Ryan, one line from Cross Recoba about how I'm too distracted with LGBTKO's issues to win, and Caffrey's ongoing obsession with my boyfriend. Hell, even my stablemate doesn't mention me, and even seems to think I'm not in the Rumble. That or calling himself the sole LGBTKO representative in the match means I've been kicked out and not been told. I mean, it's not like anyone tells me shit right now, so I suppose that's possible. Not a smart plan though, given it's pretty obvious Seth isn't going to be showing up, so it's me and Ryan defending the title in the tag match, unless the XHF has decided to copy the WWE and start having tag titles defended in singles matches. Still, if we are copying WWE, at least I know I can get a world title shot just by saying moronic right wing shit on twitter.

He looks thoughtful for a moment, then shakes his head.

Nah. I've got my dignity.

Going with the idea that I'm in the ladder match, probably best I set the Rumble aside for now and look at our opponents. There's The Dark Stars, who apparently come from the year 50,000. Before I started wrestling in the XHF, I'd have said they had a stupid gimmick, but considering I've seen interdimensional portals at award shows and lost out on a title to a vampire, I should probably work on the assumption they're telling the truth.

He shakes his head again.

Fuck, I miss the days when Lucha Underground was the least realistic wrestling show, instead of the most.

Anyway, quite why they've travelled back nearly 48,000 years to wrestle in a ladder match I don't know. Supposedly it's to stop some threat that will erase their future, but how a wrestling show is tied into that is beyond me. Maybe they're having issues with far future Wikipedia, since they think Brendan is someone called Eric Harding Jr, which a quick google tells me makes him the son of some retired boxer, or possible ACH after another name change, and he's in LGBTKO. Whatever the reason, they're here, and they're doing their Dragonball Z high gravity training. That doesn't worry me overmuch, because LGBTKO is the hype, we know how to dodge, neither of us is a yoshi, and... I dunno, something related to Super Kami Guru or Ghost Nappa.

Then there's The Borgs, who are also from the future, but are evil robots who want to ensure the apocalypse happens. Again, what this has to do with the XHF Tag Titles is anyone's guess, and quite what I'm supposed to do to hurt someone made of metal who doesn't need to breath is an issue. I suppose I'll just have to push them off the barge and hope they sink and rust. They haven't said anything yet, so I'll have to wait and see.

Finally there's Dos Angeles, who thankfully give my sanity a break by not being from the future, or robots, or having much of a stance regarding potential evil timelines. Unfortunately I can't offer any insight into Randy's film analysis because my familiarity with 'Hedwig...' is limited to the Type O Negative cover of Angry Inch, but I can say that I respect the sibling bond. In many ways, I expect them to be our toughest opponents in the match, especially given the obvious issues LGBTKO are having right now. Nevertheless, we have held these titles against all comers so far, and we will not let them go without one hell of a battle. Ryan and I will give everything we have to retain the XHF Tag Titles, then we will give everything that remains to win the XHF Rumble.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to figure out what to do with all these unused cookie recipe ingredients...

[Mongo the Destroyer]

“Xtreme Invasion”

*The camera noisily switches on as an unsteady hand holds its. We appear to be in a hallway, moderately but not greatly lit. The camera movement is very reminiscent of the Blair Witch Project but it’s totally unintentional.*

Nelly: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I’m Nelly Angel with XHF Network’s production department and I am here for an exclusive. As you can maybe tell, I’ve got no crew with me today due to nearly global restrictions and general safety measures. But even how, we’re not going to leave you folks hanging as you watch wrestlers try to figure out how to cut promos for the Rumble from their homes- NO! Instead, we’ve got a live exclusive and the XHF Network cameras are rolling for this….

*As Nelly moves quickly through the hallway we see Randy Angel standing near a door. After a bit more shaky cam, the camera is put down by Nelly and set up- it looks like on a tricorder. He walks next to Randy. Both of them stand, side by side, then reach into their pockets and pull out matching dust masks from their pockets. The masks are black cloth masks with bright red “XHF”s stitched to the front of this. Randy pulls a couple microphones from his jacket and hands them to his brother. Then they yell.*

Dos Angeles: XTREME INVASION!

*They bellow in probably English but it’s a yell so it’s hard to really tell the language. Then they do the Singh Brothers (Bollywood Boys) Bollywood Dance. For those who don’t know it, they lock feet and bounce around in a circle- NOT TOUCHING HANDS because that’s not advised in these times. After once around Randy gets on the mic.*

Randy: That’s right folks, see we’re here because it looked from what we saw on the XHF Network that Bloodied Fox is bored at home and trying to explain to everyone how he has nothing to say!

Nelly: Nothing to say, you say?

Randy: Nothing to say! I’ve never seen Fox waste so many words, Nell. So we’re here right outside his door to bring the party. BUT BUT FOX!

*He turns his attention to the door.*

Randy: Because of social distancing you’d be making a grave error opening that door!

*He moves his hands juuuuuust inches away from the door to what we can assume by now is Bloodied Fox’s apartment.*

Randy: I’m not touching your stuuuuuffff. I’m not touching your stuuuuuff.

Nelly: Hey!

*Randy gets back to his position next to his brother.*

Randy: Alright, alright. My little brother wants to drop some word bombs on all you shut-ins wondering if you too should do a blog, vlog, or cooking show-

Nelly: Spoiler-

Randy: You shouldn’t. Anyway, hit it Nell.

*Nelly steps a little closer to the camera.*

Nelly: Yeeeaah, lemme tell you guys. When the Xtreme Hardcore Federation became the XHF Network we got bigger and better in almost every way- but we lost something too.

Randy: What did we lose?

Nelly: You see back in the XHF we ran a lot of house shows, and at those house shows you could come out and say what you wanted to and then there was a pretty good chance that your opponent would come out next and respond to your word vomit.

*Randy leans in.*

Randy: You mean like dropping a promo about how you have nothing interesting to contribute?

Nelly: No, that’d be a terrible speech and would have gotten ripped up by the opponent, and maybe a few other guys who’d come out just to say how much of a waste of time it was listening to that.

Randy: Hastag- gottem!

*The older Angel backs up.*

Nelly: If I’m honest, I have mixed feelings about the loss of the back-and-forth. From the bitter side, they were a fun contribution in the build to every show we had. You got to see guys drop bombs on each other in real time and it was real easy to see whose head was most in the game. It was an art form that has definitely been lost here in the Network as everyone tries to produce these static- unconnected vignettes.

*Behind Nelly, Randy is moving his hands around Fox’s door, “not touching” it.*

Nelly: But, on the sweet side (of bittersweet)- I didn’t really cut many of these promos anyway since my previous manager and Randy- and honestly myself- like to take advantage of production values. But wow, those are gone now with the current global issues. But as it turns out, unlike you, Fox; I have something to say.

*Randy barks into his microphone.*

Randy: PREACH IT, BRO!

Nelly: I think that we’re overlooked. Now, we’re not ignored. But Fox as he wistfully wonders about stealing others’ ideas relegates us to a footnote of “I have nothing to say but I guess Dos Angeles are the toughest we have in this match.” Meanwhile, Ryan Young is rubbing his knee talking about Rat Bastard. We get it bro, you wanna knee the first X*Crown Champion. Jeez, get a few lessons from your partner about word conservation.

*In the back, Randy is pointing frantically at his knee.*

Nelly: And it’s not just LGBTKO who seem to think that Dos Angeles are just fodder. We’re brothers, blood, and we’re in the Rumble together. That doesn’t worry any of you? Ok, sure, there was that time that Randy threw me out at J-ROK during a battle royale-

Randy: I SAID I WAS SORRY

Nelly: But what you guys seem to forget is that we were the last two people in that ring anyway. When you got two brothers watching each other’s backs then a Rumble match becomes a handicap match. So you can wander empty grocery stores, make food, and cut mind-numbing “hey I’m stuck in quarantine” promos all you want- but when you’re in there with one of us, you’re in there with both of us. Don’t forget that.

Randy: Yeah! Blood is thicker than…..uh….whatever you guys are made of.

Nelly: Meat?

Randy: Yeah! Blood is thicker than me- ok well that’s not true. But the point is we’ll beat up you losers and toss you out.

*There’s a slight pause because this has gone off the rails. Finally Nelly comes back.*

Nelly: The Rumble comes when it does, but first on Dos Angeles plate is the XHF Tag Team Championship match. We’re facing LBTKO- who’re too busy thinking about their own problems and concentrating on the Rumble to realize they could easily lose their titles before that- you don’t think that’ll throw you off your game come Rumble time?

*Randy gestures to his head*

Nelly: But beyond that we’re being graced by two teams all the way from…..THE FUTURE! Well, one is from the future and the other from……THE AFTERWARD! Two teams from now, two teams from beyond. Exciting times on the high seas if you ask me! Now I’m not gonna list off everything wrong with the Dark Stars’ stuff. The inconsistencies-

Randy: Like why go out of your way to show the removal of debris when you have a device that literally just makes a gym out of nowhere?

Nelly: The mistakes-

Randy: How do you not know who your opponents are but have followed the life of a backstage personality?

Nelly: Or the logical breakdowns?

Randy: “Oh man, if we were on our home planet I’d max out this weight and injure myself, then I wouldn’t be able to wrestle.”

Nelly: But instead, I’m taking you seriously as opponents. You wanna win this match just as much as the next guy. I’m not gonna look down on that like some XHF Tag Team Champions who will remain nameless-

Randy: Bloodied Fox and Ryan Young

Nelly: No, we’re gonna have to train harder since you’re training in ways that some men might call cheating. But you’re making use of your advantage and I respect that. So don’t worry Dark Stars, Dos Angeles will give you the match your passion deserves even if some people-

Randy: LGBTKO-

Nelly: …don’t respect you.

Randy: Tell the folks at home about the Borgs!

Nelly: Ehhhhh…..so…..hey….Borgs. You might not remember us but we fought your “sisters”-

Randy: They were hot!

Nelly: They were not hot. BUT, in the ring they schooled us in a tag tournament. Props where it’s due. You guys are former XHF Tag Team Champions and we’re not gonna take you for granted either. Schemers gotta scheme and I bet you have something out of this world up your sleeve. But to everyone in this tag bout keep one thing in mind. Randy and I, we’re the most xtreme ones in the match-

Randy: And that’s saying something because Nelly is…well he’s Nelly.

Nelly: -And the rules are xtreme, a ladder, on a ship, in the ocean. Don’t overlook that; don’t get propped up by your own hubris. I mean, look what has happened in every country that said “we’ve got this under control.”

Randy: YEAH, EAT SOME CURRENT EVENTS, FOX….and others.

Nelly: The same goes to those we’ll see in the Rumble. I’m a veteran in the XHF and XHF Network and I always try my best. And Randy? He’ll be blasted which is a double edged sword but man can he take punishment and dish it back. You’re on notice, everyone…

*Randy and Nelly get back into place from the opening of the promo.*

Dos Angeles: XTREME NOTICE!

[bloodiedfox]

There comes the sound of a yelled voice from the other side of the door

This door's thick enough I can't hear who's saying what out there, but if this the damn Mormons again, for the last time I am not interested in joining The Church of the Latter Day Saints!