The Awesome Reality of Steve Awesome 3: or How I Got SARS.
Apr 7, 2020 21:38:31 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, mosler, and 1 more like this
Post by Steve Awesome on Apr 7, 2020 21:38:31 GMT -5
-~THE AWESOME REALITY OF STEVE AWESOME~-
Steve Awesome (voice over narration): What’s up Awesome-holics. It’s Steve Awesome here. Bringing you another fun filled episode of The Awesome Reality of Steve Awesome. In the past couple episodes you’ve seen some pretty awesome moments if I do say so myself. But today’s episode, well today’s episode shows you what it’s like when things go wrong. We were going to do more training but sometimes things go haywire when you run a business. It’s not always fun and games in the life of Steve Awesome.
Ha ha ha
“Come along and check it out.”
~~~
The scene opens up and we find Steve Awesome standing in front of a camera. He looks like he is standing in his study at home. There was a pretty impressive bookshelf in the background and a computer with a desk with a map of the world on the wall nearby.His hair was pulled back, no trademark sunglasses. He had on a light blue cardigan sweater. He looked serious and solemn. The way you’d act at a funeral.
Steve Awesome: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some serious breaking news.
He sighs and swallows the lump forming in his throat.
Steve Awesome: I know, with the issues going on in the world, The Coronavirus and the lockdown and everything else that’s been happening, you can hardly take any more news. So I want you to sit down and brace yourself.
He takes a long deep breath. He hesitated to make sure he chose his words just right.
Steve Awesome: I Steve Awesome, have SARS.
He lets it linger in the air then suddenly “I’m Free” by the Soup Dragons plays and the background splits open revealing a big building with a bunch of smiling people standing in front of it. He rips the blue cardigan sweater off his body revealing a t-shirt that reads “Steve Awesome has SARS” on it.
Steve Awesome: The Steve Awesome Relief Services is a Center and a program dedicated to charities and helping people in need.
We cut to show Steve dressed in a foreman outfit pointing at blue prints and he gives the camera a big prideful grin and a thumbs up. Meanwhile all the workers just do their job with clearly annoyed glares at Steve.
Steve Awesome: I helped build this center from the bottom up. I’m proud to say that my passion and drive in the professional wrestling world has transitioned well into the world of philanthropy.”
Steve explained with a big smarmy grin on his face. Behind him is a long line of people standing in front of the SARS building with clear issues and handicaps that would qualify for the service and he walks along them and points a few out as he passes them.
Steve Awesome: So whether you are pathetically poor….
A man in rags and a dirty face glares at Steve as he walks by.
Steve Awesome: Clearly can’t listen….
A woman with bruises and black eyes starts to cry into her hands. Steve continues on walking and comes up to a man in a wheelchair.
Steve Awesome: Uselessly handicapped…
The wheelchair bound man shakes his head in disgust. Steve walks on by a sweet little innocent ten year old girl next to her mother.
Steve Awesome: Or dying.
Little Girl: Wait, what did he say?
Steve moves on fast as the little girl cries into her mother’s hip. Steve moves onto a big set of stone stairs that led up to the front doors. Steve stops and faces the camera.
Steve Awesome: No matter what is happening in your life. I want you to know that there is always one place that will do everything it can to get the help you deserve. I want you to know that I’ll be there for you, and I care.
He touches his heart and he stares into the camera with a warm and loving smile and then he turns and heads up the stairs. A fast quiet voice reads a short disclaimer.
*warning:steveawesomewillnotbethereandhedefinitelydoesntcare*
Steve is standing in front of all the people standing in the lines from earlier. He’s holding the classic oversized scissors used in opening ceremonies. Everyone is smiling wide wearing there “Steve has SARS” t-shirts.
Steve Awesome: With the cut of this ribbon, I Steve Awesome, usher in a brand new way to raise money and help the less fortunate. If you are scared and alone and you need help, the Steve Awesome Relief Service is there to help. I think with the crisis and pandemic that’s going on and with everyone feeling so scared, I truly believe the world could use SARS right about now!”
He gives the camera a cheesy grin and a thumbs up and poses for a bunch of photos. Then he snips the ribbon and everyone cheers and rushes in to hug Steve and celebrate as “I’m Free” by the Soup Dragons hits it’s chorus.
“I say love me, hold me
Love me, hold me
'Cause I'm free”
Fade out on the biggest smile on Steve Awesome’s face.
~~Interview Box~~
Steve Awesome
World class champion/ CEO of SARS
“Tee hee that was my commercial. Isn’t it great?”
He gives the camera a cheesy grin and a thumbs up just like he did in his commercial and then he laughs.
“He he I love it. I really think we did something great here. I honestly think we started a movement with that commercial. Bringing SARS to the world! We’re going to make SARS go viral.”
He smiles and rubs his hands in eager anticipation.
“You all are going to love SARS.”
Steve Awesome
World class champion/ CEO of SARS
“Tee hee that was my commercial. Isn’t it great?”
He gives the camera a cheesy grin and a thumbs up just like he did in his commercial and then he laughs.
“He he I love it. I really think we did something great here. I honestly think we started a movement with that commercial. Bringing SARS to the world! We’re going to make SARS go viral.”
He smiles and rubs his hands in eager anticipation.
“You all are going to love SARS.”
~~Interview Box~~
Charity Givings
COO of SARS / Is aware her name is sort of a pun.
{Facepalm. Sigh.}
“Yes...sometimes working here and running the day to day operations of-“
{another long sigh as she pushes up her glasses.}
“-SARS-“
“-has its difficulties, but it’s overall a good job. And the thing I always remind myself of is that it’s always for a good cause.”
{Her smile slowly changes into doubt.}
“....at least I’m pretty sure it’s a good cause.”
~~Interview Box~~
Steve Awesome
Such a Big Boy Helper
“You know, a lot of people just think I’m a great wrestler. Guys in the XHF Rumble might sing my praises as a Legend. They say I’m a future X Crown Champion as soon as I walk into a room, but I’m more than that. I’m more than a superior athlete, Oscar worthy actor, amazing singer, entrepreneur, and all around great guy….”
He smiles.
“I’m also a humanitarian.”
He laughs.
“I never used to consider myself a giver. Even though I have given wrestling and now XHF a global superstar that it truly deserves for two decades, that's a different story altogether. Point is, I only built SARS so I could have something to brag about like all the other rich Hollywood douchebags at the parties.”
He shrugs.
“But now? I honestly kind of like helping people. Not as much as I’m going to like winning the Rumble and taking the X Crown Championship from Zsa Zsa Gabor or whoever the current champ is, but helping people has really become a close second. I think I’m pretty good at it.
Steve Awesome
Such a Big Boy Helper
“You know, a lot of people just think I’m a great wrestler. Guys in the XHF Rumble might sing my praises as a Legend. They say I’m a future X Crown Champion as soon as I walk into a room, but I’m more than that. I’m more than a superior athlete, Oscar worthy actor, amazing singer, entrepreneur, and all around great guy….”
He smiles.
“I’m also a humanitarian.”
He laughs.
“I never used to consider myself a giver. Even though I have given wrestling and now XHF a global superstar that it truly deserves for two decades, that's a different story altogether. Point is, I only built SARS so I could have something to brag about like all the other rich Hollywood douchebags at the parties.”
He shrugs.
“But now? I honestly kind of like helping people. Not as much as I’m going to like winning the Rumble and taking the X Crown Championship from Zsa Zsa Gabor or whoever the current champ is, but helping people has really become a close second. I think I’m pretty good at it.
~~interview box~~
Charity Givings
COO of SARS / Actually runs this place
“Oh, I really don’t like when he tries to help.”
{Ominous stare into the camera.}
Charity Givings
COO of SARS / Actually runs this place
“Oh, I really don’t like when he tries to help.”
{Ominous stare into the camera.}
An extremely obese man cries as he cuddles a greasy chicken leg like a plush teddy bear. He stands in front of a panel of well respected therapists and doctors, and Steve Awesome with a stethoscope on backwards.
Fat Man (not mongo): I eat when I’m sad, and I’m sad because I eat.
Steve Awesome: Ah, interesting, interesting. I got this one guys.
Steve glances at some notes on his clipboard and he taps his pen on his chin pondering his thoughts.
Steve Awesome: I got some advice. I tried to give this advice to the guys in the XHF rumble too.
He clears his throat.
Steve Awesome: Have you tried not being a useless and helpless fat piece of garbage?
Steve keeps his eye on the patient and his pen on his notes. Ready to jot down anything useful he hears in response.
Useless Fat Man (seriously, it’s not Mongo guys, come on): I Uh..uh….wahhhhhhh”
The fat man's jowls make a sickening sound as he runs out of the room crying. All the doctors and therapists on the panel glare at Steve. Steve just gives a satisfied nod and draws a big check on his notes.
Steve Awesome: Id say that was a medical breakthrough.
A woman walks into the room and steps up to the panel of doctors.
Woman: I’m sick. I think I need a corona test. *coof coof*
Steve Awesome: Oh Hell no.
Steve stands up from his chair and sprays that girls face with Lysol. The poor girl falls to the floor holding her eyes and screaming in pain.
Steve Awesome: I probably saved us all with that move.
The doctors move to help the lady and get her eyes washed out. Just before the chaos gets too crazy, Charity Givings pops into the room and quickly collects her boss before things get bad.
Charity Givings: Steve, there you are! Come with me, we have an issue.
Steve Awesome sat in his red interview chair. He had his legs kicked out and his back reclined. His arms under his head for support. He looked mighty proud of himself.
“Yup, helping people. Philanthropy. Charity. Lending a hand. Just being an all around good person. It’s just another thing that comes second nature to me. And it’s good for business. Did you realize that charity is the best way to promote your brand?”
Steve leans forward in the chair.
“I didn’t. But I already put three other local charity companies out of business and SARS is pretty much number one. So I’m looking to make a good chunk of change off this venture. I know I’m going to do well. It’s because I’ve got the experience. I’ve been giving to the wrestling business by just existing for the past two decades. I’ve done amazing things for the XHF Network roster by not coming here for four years and letting you chumpstains attain some type of cheap status and reputation as a big deal.”
He smirks and makes a cut motion under his throat.
“But that’s over.”
“You see, I may be a caring and giving, wholesome and virtuous man outside of the ring, but inside of it I’m a whole different story. I’ve been known to take what I want by any means necessary. I’ve broken necks to cash checks. I don’t expect any of you to feel threatened. Even if you were, your egos would never allow you to admit it. Maybe that’s your own stupidity shining through. But that’s fine, I like the element of surprise.”
He smirked and nods his head.
“There will be no charity when I get into that Rumble. I’m not going to show mercy. I don’t care who I run up against, Anthony Caffrey, Rat Bastard, the champ himself, any one of you other stupid ass gimmicks in this company….you all are going to get acquainted with an Awesome style ass kicking real fast. I like to call it an Awesome First Hand Introduction.”
He pounds his fist into his palm.
“And I know there are at least thirty nine other XHF Network wrestlers in this match but that’s fine. I’ll put a boot in every one of their asses if I have too. I got a plan for everyone who steps in my way.”
Steve smirks and points to his temple.
“Because I’m smart. I’m real smart. I like to call myself the cerebral hit man. I can’t wait to see the look on your faces when I beat you down and win the rumble with my ruthlessness and my superior intelligence.”
Steve Awesome: My event has been cancelled!?
Steve Awesome stumbled toward a chair and clutched his heart like he’d been shot in the chest. Charity Givings walks into the SARS office behind Steve and shuts the door.
Charity Givings: Yes.”March to Stop the Spread of Coronavirus” is canceled thanks to the government lockdown.
Steve Awesome: But….but….by standing together we can stop the spread of the Rona! What’s so hard to understand about this? It’s just a flu!
Charity Givings: Do you even know about Covid-19?
Steve shrugged.
Steve Awesome: I think I saw a trailer but I haven’t seen any of the other ones.
Charity places her face into her palm and just sighs.
Steve Awesome: I won’t stand for this. I’m going to figure out how to fix this, this will cost a lot of money and because I’m here to help the world. Don’t you worry, Steve Awesome is on the case!
Charity doesn’t even say a word as Steve Awesome exits the office. He passes by another patron of the center and reads the mans chart.
Steve Awesome: Hemophilia eh?
Steve thinks about it for a few moments.
Steve Awesome: Meh, gay people aren’t so bad.
Steve pats the guy on the back as he rushes off to get to work.
Interviewer (off camera): What about Chris Card?
Steve Awesome sat in the interview chair. The name registered on his face but he didn’t seem very whelmed.
“Oh yeah, the douchebag who cried for ten minutes about how IWF management mistreated him? You know I’d be lying if I didn’t expect it out of him. Clearly, with the way he got out on his boat and set the mood, it’s been something he’s been dying to get off his chest. Poor, mistreated Chris Card. Garner that sympathy. Drag IWF and my name through the dirt. I bet if you checked into the Steve Awesome Relief Service and told your story, someone would be happy to play you the world smallest violin and listen as you talk it out.”
“But I do find it funny though.
“How one can take a story and totally spin it to suit their needs and whims. Especially when they know that nobody he’s telling the story to, was even there to know if he’s right or not. You talk all about mismanagement and inept bosses and all that fun stuff that bitter, butt hurt little ex employees like to say after they turn themselves into a victim.”
Steve points to the camera.
“That tells me you have no balls.”
Steve shakes his head. The type of disappointed head shakes when he expects better out of somebody.
“You made up this story, but there’s another entire locker room that saw it all happen in a different way. We all saw you get pissed off after losing like, your second match, so you rage quit, and took your ball to the XHF. Inept management my ass Chris. Your fragile little ego got a boo boo so you left. You knew you weren’t good enough to hold MY world championship, so you left and joined a company that has five at any given moment, hell I could go create one for you tomorrow. Yeah, I officially announce that I will open up the Smug Douchebag Federation and Chris Card can be the inaugural champion.”
Steve gives the lamest thumbs up ever.
“Congrats Chris, you are a big boy world champion. Of course you took the path of least resistance and that shows me that you got no drive or passion to persevere when the going gets tough.”
Steve shakes his head again.
“You are just a fragile ego trapped inside a slime ball. I can’t wait to see you in the rumble. I’m going to find you, I’m going to ineptly, but firmly, shove my foot up your ass, and toss your victim, woe as me, rage quitting, head for the heels, ugly ass boy looking ass over the top rope and down onto your pointed head. Then you can take a lesson on what it takes to be great EVERYWHERE, and not just where you can fit in.”
“The worst thing about the XHF and Chris Card himself….. is there are fifty two just like him in every deck. You can change the number and the suit. But you all sound the same. Thirty nine of them are in this rumble.”
Steve shrugs his shoulder. Then does the crotch chop.
“You can shuffle this deck.”
He smirks and points to himself.
“You are looking at the next XCrown Champion.”
-~THE AWESOME REALITY OF STEVE AWESOME~-
A recorded phone call plays over the title graphic.
{ring. ring.}
“Hello?”
“Hello? Charity? Is this you?”
“Yeah. Steve? Steve it’s four thirty in the morning.”
“I figured it out! The answer to my charity event problem. You listening?”
“Yes.”
“We make it a religious gathering! Ha ha isn’t that genius!? Religious gatherings are exempt for the lock downs so that’s are loophole!”
“.......”
“We just gotta figure out how to turn me into a religious icon….Hello? Charity? Hello?
{Dial tone.}
