Story time with Ratty (Rat Rumble #9)

[RattyMcDaddy]

We fade in with Rat Bastard, wearing a red smoking jacket, sitting in an oversized red velvet chair, a smirk upon his face...

Gather round little shits, good old B-Ditty is about to read you all a story or three, prepare to be fightened, and thrilled beyond your imagination..our first story, The Pied Piper of the Barge. 

Rat opens a book and starts to recite....

Its the tale of a barge plagued with problems, most specifically a rat infestation.

Rat dead pan looks into the camera.

One day, an eccentric piper turns up, lets just call him Ross Cobeca  shall we? Now Ross was claiming he can cure the barge. Playing a tune, Ross lures the rats into the ocean and drowns every last one.

Rat again dead pan looks into the camera. Licking his finger, he turns the page of his book.

But when it’s time to pay the piper, the bargefolk refuse, they deny him the X*Crown and any title shot there after, even if he had a crappy cheap belt he bought off the internet to add to the X*Crown collection. Angered,  Ross returns to the barge, and places all the town’s children under a spell, ordering them to follow him out of the barge and disappear forever.

Doesn't sound so bad right? I mean, unless......what if.......you are all the kids?

Rat dead pans into the camera again, this time raising an eyebrow, ala the Rock.....

Now, here’s the dark bit: Ross Cobeca, the glorious piper orders the children to walk into the ocean, therefore drowning all of them just as he did the rats. Every child in the village is deceased, with the exception of a single deaf girl. That single deaf girls name is Mongina The Vagina. 

Rat gives a shocking look into the camera...

Now onto our next tale....

Rat licks his finger and turns the page before starting...

Sethocchio is set in Italy,how fitting right? A carpenter chops up a pine tree and becomes terrified when the wood speaks to him. Terrified, he gives it away to his poor neighbor, Ryan-petto. The wood is carved into a model of a boy and is named Sethocchio.

This is getting thrilling *Rat licks his finger and turns the page*

The child, Sethocchio,however, has a rotten attitude and is incredibly mischievous. Aside from kicking Ryan-petto, he runs off into town and has his creator imprisoned for apparent mistreatment.

Rat again raises his eyebows.....

Imprisoned in the friendzone.......

Rat then does the old school NWO for life hand signals while mouthing the for life part....

What, you were not entertained by my collection of tales? Do you have no sense of taste, these are classic tales. Are you people some sort of commies?

Rat throws the book to the ground and lights a ciggette, he takes a puff or two...

You want to hear a real fairy tales? Just go listen to the midless drab shit that comes out of Storms mouth. You want endless fantasy entertinment? Go listen to that make belive land mother fucker Timeless, and his trollop Tinker Slut, if you lucky maybe he will spin a tale about his crew from Never Never Real land the Lost Bots. Want to hear flat out lies? Go listen to that little piggy Cross Recoba blow and blow and blow, on Chris Cards private parts, while he mumbles about how I am a one trick pony who can't compete with him. Want to hear tales in an ancient Greek dialect? Go listen to Psychotic Goth......

Rat puffs his smoke again.

No really, he does that shit. Gibberish in an ancient Greek dialect. I know its the most unbelievable of all because number one, your like who or what the fuck is a Psychotic Goth, number 2, again who or what the fuck is a Psychotic Goth, is that a wrestler or a band, or a product at Hot Topic, and number 3, you cant understand him even when he is not talking in an ancient Greek dialect, so it all sounds like ancient Greek. He does have an amazing hairflip tho.....

Rat puffs his smoke a little more.

Anyway, he is a piece of shit, just like Recoba, just like Storm, just like Timeless. They are all chasing their tails, like stupid little puppies, telling thier stories, hopeing they amuse the masses. Praying they win this Rumble. Thier storys won't have happy endings. At the Rumble the X*Crown is coming back home to where it all started, right back around the waist of the original, and still the best ever X*Crown Champion. 

Rat puffs his smoke a little more. He blows a smoke circle at the camera.

Cause ya see boys, this is one fairy tale ending where the bad guy wins. Nighty night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. 

Rat flicks his cigarette but at the camera.

Ya fuckin' bums.