#foxtrap (Dos Angeles Tag/Rumble #3)

[Mongo the Destroyer]

*Scenes flash, mostly involving Nelly and Randy Angel in the hallway of Blooded Fox’s apartment. Also some scenes of Fox throwing his tablet and talking like a bored child into the camera because he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do.*

Nelly: I mean nobody got hurt, right?

*Nelly is sitting down on the couch in his apartment*

*We cut to Joey Hawke laughing while sitting down in an XHF Network office.*

Hawke: That was either the best prank in wrestling or a really foolish stunt during dangerous times. I suppose we’ll need more time to really decide on that one

*Quick cut to Randy, who appears to also be sitting in Nelly’s apartment on his couch but without Nelly there*

Randy: I wish I could have seen his stupid not-bloody face.

Narrator (Funaki?): Pranks and ribs are common in pro wrestling. Sometimes though, things get out of hand. Just a week ago, the wrestling world was rocked when the Angel brothers, Randy and Nelly decided to pay one of their opponents a visit. And the rest, they say, is history…

#foxtrap

*We open as an older gentleman sits down inside of an office boardroom.*

Hawke: Hello, I’m Joey Hawke and I’ve been with the XHF and XHF Network since it took over the BDDWF. You probably know me as a commentator but I’m also the Chief Operating Officer and I managed both Nelly Angel and former X*Crown Champion, Congo the Destroyer during their in-ring runs in the XHF. I’ve got a lot of experience in the business and some strong opinions.

*We switch to Nelly Angel’s apartment where he’s sitting at attention*

Nelly: Hello everyone, Nelly Angel here- oh sorry, force of habit. My name is Nelly Angel and I am the head of production at the XHF Network. I also am a superstar with MCCW. I’ve been with the XHF since I was really young, working initially as a backstage interviewer.

*We cut to Nelly showing off a picture in his apartment of winning the first Cruiserfest tournament.*

Nelly: Wild right? That was how I debuted in wrestling- well, in-ring wrestling. I’d been in the business already for a while. But yeah, haha- just walked in and won the- round-robin I think- tournament and the Junior Heavyweight Championship. Pretty cool, right?

*We switch again to Randy Angel leaning back on the same couch Nelly was on looking really comfy.*

Randy: Hey, I’m Randy Angel, and I can quit anytime I want to- hahahahaha.

*One more introductory jump cut to what appears to be right next to Randy (like his leg is still in the shot, who produced this?) The focus is on a fluffy white cat with a lime on its head, being worn like helmet.*

TKII: Mreow meow mewo rwooow

Interviewer: So, can you tell us how this all got started?

Nelly: So Randy was drunk, really drunk

Randy: It was a normal morning

*We see blurry actors in an unnecessarily dark setting having a conversation over what appears to be booze and orange soda. They are gesticulating way more than the conversation really permits.*

Nelly: So he’s like “Hey Nell, I’ve got a great idea, let’s mess with Body Knox!” He meant Bloodied Fox but I got that straightened out later

*Joey Hawke looks like he’s trying to rebuild it all in his mind after all these…days*

Hawke: So from what I can gather, I’m assuming that Randy was trying to get into the self-quarantined Fox’s head. Straight up, if you can get in a guy’s brain where he’s all discombobulated thinking about you all the time- you’ve basically won. And with Randy and Nelly as such a coherent team during the troubles LGBTKO were having, this is the sort of thing that sticks

Nelly: The important thing about promos is that they get eyes on you. You want the fans to be invested in you in some way- either loving or hating you, depending on your preference. It means a lot having both the fans and the guys in the back want to watch your stuff either because they love you or love to hate you. It makes a big difference on how you do in the ring. Like you can be the best wrestler in the game but if you don’t have any of that.. I dunno, “support?” “Interest?” Then it’s gonna be really hard to have the guy who’s got a whole bunch of people behind him in his head. It’s a mental game, you know- a psychological aspect.

Hawke: And you gotta keep fresh

Nelly: And you have to keep things fresh

Hawke: I taught Nelly that

Nelly: Take for example, last year’s Rumble. Seth Dillinger did what most would consider phoning it in- he suddenly started blogging and just shooting out whatever was on his mind. But guess what? It was gangbusters. Fans ate- or I guess, read that stuff up. And then one of the blogs didn’t even talk about the Rumble! It was about pie! And that interest he generated motivated him to go all the way to the X*Crown.

TKII: Meoooow mreow

Randy: Don’t listen to what TKII says; his lack of thumbs makes it impossible to cook

Nelly: But this year right off the bat what do we get? Anthony Caffrey cooking and making a blog. That’s how much of an impact Seth had on him- and Caff doesn’t even like Seth. And it got some attention sure, but the first few days it was all this copycat stuff. Hannah Rockford was blogging and cooking- at least not together. That sort of thing gets old fast though so you gotta keep things fresh.

Hawke: I swear, if I see one more vlog from one of our stars self-quarantining I might just buy a gun and use it to lobotomize myself. “Hey, look at me, I’m just like you at home”- **** off with that. You think everyone who’s stuck at home clawing at the windows to look at flowers they didn’t care about last year now that they’re told not to wants to see you on the couch scratching your balls? If anything, Fox earned that prank just for that.

Randy: So anyway, I’m all about trying new things. Like this one time I was paying a woman fo- well anyway let’s just say I’ve done stuff and seen things. So I’m all like “Nell, I’ve got a really great idea and we need your production sheet….tablet….internet…somethingerother…

*Fade to black*

---

*BAM! We open on a whole lot of white space as Nelly Angel suddenly jumps onto the set looking like a 1980’s workout video, we’re talking spandex and way more fluffy headbands/armbands/legbands/anklebands/wristbands than anyone needs to catch even a little bit of sweat.*

Nelly: HEY THERE FRIENDS! ARE YOU LACKING ON FACTS? THEN IT’S TIME YOU GET SOME TRUTH!

*Out from the other side of the camera comes Randy Angel holding a can of “Truth,” he is also dressed like an idiot but for him that just means his suit colors are now in neons and his hair is bigger. He rubs the front of the can and then rubs his knee with it for some reason.*

Nelly: NO, NOT THE REAL TRUTH! BUT STUFF YOU MADE UP BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO LAZY TO CHECK THE XHF NETWORK’S WIKI- OR ANY WIKI- OR EVEN TURN ON THE COMPUTER FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES TO CHECK YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA!

Randy: WHY YES! THOSE THINGS ARE EXACTLY WHAT APPEALS TO ME!

Nelly: OK FRIEND! THEN TAKE A BIG SWIG OF IMITATION TRUTH! IT TASTES JUST LIKE THE REAL THING ONLY HAS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE!

*Randy cracks open the can and starts to guzzle its contents. After a little bit too much guzzling he whips his lips with the back of his hand and does one of those satisfied “AHH!” sounds while making sure to hold up the “Imitation Truth” can logo to the camera.*

Randy: WOW! THAT SURE DOES HIT THE SPOT, AND DOESN’T REQUIRE ME TO MISS A SECOND OF NETFLIX ACTUALLY RESEARCHING MY OPPONENTS! I FEEL LIKE I COULD RUN A WHOLE NEWS CHANNEL BASED SOLELY ON IMITATION TRUTH!

*Nelly over-laughs*

Nelly: HAHA! ONE STEP AT A TIME, FRIEND! FIRST, BUY IMITATION TRUTH AND FEEL THE SELF-SATISFACTION OF THINKING YOU DID YOUR JOB!

*Randy drinks more.*

Randy: IMITATION TRUTH SURE DOES HIT THE SPOT!

*They give the camera cheesy grins and big thumbs ups as we fade out on this advertisement and return to our program.*

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*We pick back up with Randy still on Nelly’s couch, replaying the statement from a few moments ago.*

Randy: So I’m all like “Nell, I’ve got a really great idea and we need your production sheet….tablet….internet…somethingerother

Nelly: So Randy’s idea was that we’d exploit my production privileges to not only track down where Bloodied Fox was sending his promo from but also one of the XHF Network’s small planes to circumvent navigational restrictions (and save time)

*The blurry actors recreating the scene of Randy explaining return. I don’t know why the background is black since literally nothing would suggest a setting like that, it’s just how documentaries work to make it more deep bro. Anyway the Randy actor gesticulates wildly and shakes what appears to be a cat doll. All of this is probably accurate considering Randy’s character.*

Randy: Oh man, have you seen what we did? We should be making popcorn before you watch. Sometimes my genius shocks me

Hawke: So before you judge Dos Angeles for abuse of power- and me for letting it happen now that you mention it, you gotta understand how wrestling works. Some kids come in and they wanna play everything squeaky clean, your Congos, Nellys, Trons etc. But here’s the thing, if everyone else is scratching, cheating, clawing, and politicking- then you’re setting yourself up for a very clean loss. Even though I doubt he ever listened, I went out of my way to drill into Nelly how important it is to play to your advantages

*We cut to a scene actually from the promo*

{“Xtreme Invasion”}

Nelly: No, we’re gonna have to train harder since you’re training in ways that some men might call cheating. But you’re taking advantage of your advantage and I respect that. So don’t worry Dark Stars, Dos Angeles will give you the match your passion deserves even if somebody-

Randy: LGBTKO-

Nelly: …doesn’t respect you.

Nelly: I mean, look at what we’re up against. The Dark Stars literally have devices that can set up gyms in seconds from thin air. They’re used to alternate, stronger gravities, and I think they might be masochists since they keep talking about a normal workout on their home planet being injury-inducing. That’s a lot of toughness we’ve got going against us.

Randy: Did you hear that the Borgs are robots!? ROBOTS!

Nelly: They’re not robots.

Hawke: Ugh, the Borgs. I don’t know how they keep being allowed to let that giant robotic bear wrestle. That’s definitely cheating- though I mean if nobody objects, more power to them for that.

Randy: You know what gets me? So LGBTKO put themselves out there as- well you can hear it in the name. So people gravitate to it and are like “Ok, so you’re gay” and what’s the response? “OH YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT HOW WE’RE GAY! LOOK AT HOW ORIGINAL YOU ARE!” That’s straight up some mind trickery right there. I’m sorry, I literally just read the label. It’s a stupid double standard because if people are like “Hey, you and Nelly are both named Angel” I’m not gonna freak out over it. So they’re already in their opponent’s heads because they either are able to dole out replies that are as repetitive as Psychotic Goth moving his hair out of the way of his face at the end of a promo or Zeze quietly gesturing to his dick during promos- watch them bro, he’s always doing it. I think it might be unconscious. Anyway, you’re either tricked into saying the same tired stuff that gives LGBTKO the moral advantage or you’re stuck trying to dance around something they’ve laid on the table.

Hawke: Randy said that? Randy the stupid idiot drunk- psychologically broke down LGBTKO’s shtick with examples?

*He rubs his chin*

Hawke: Maybe I backed the wrong brother…

Randy: YOU’RE GAY! GAY GAY OR MAYBE BI OR WHATEVER! WHO CARES WHEN YOU’RE IN THE RING! WHAT YOU DO IN BED WITH GUYS IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR STUPID JEDI MIND TRICKS!

*He sits back down and fist bumps Tequila Kitty II, who in fact has been next to him this whole time.*

Randy: Gottem

{“Xtreme Invasion”}

Nelly: Nothing to say, you say?

Randy: Nothing to say! I’ve never seen Fox waste so many words, Nell. So we’re here right outside his door to bring the party. BUT BUT FOX!

*He turns his attention to the door.*

Randy: Because of social distancing you’d be making a grave error opening that door!

*He moves his hands juuuuuust inches away from the door to what we can assume by now is Bloodied Fox’s apartment.*

Randy: I’m not touching your stuuuuuffff. I’m not touching your stuuuuuff.

Nelly: Yeah I don’t know, is that a hate crime? It’s definitely some problems with public decency I imagine.

Randy: Nelly’s worried about that? Tell him to shut up, it’s a prank and it’s all in good fun and getting the ratings.

Interviewer: Hey!

Randy: FOURTH WALL BRO! The point was, it was awesome and got a lot of eyes on us not just for the originality of it but for the quality of Nelly’s mad lines

Interviewer: Thanks

Randy: OH MY GOSH RESPECT THE FOURTH WALL.

Interviewer: Was it the right thing to do?

Nelly: I mean, they say “no harm no foul” but I wonder if this is gonna be one of those things that sticks at the back of your mind forever. I mean, we went right up to his door to cut that promo.

{“Xtreme Invasion” – Bloodied Fox’s Response}

*We’re looking at the hallway’s side of the door when we hear*

Fox: This door's thick enough I can't hear who's saying what out there, but if this the damn Mormons again, for the last time I am not interested in joining The Church of the Latter Day Saints!

Hawke: I can’t believe A- that he thought that was clever and B-that he wasted a promo air time with a stupid joke like that

Interviewer: In your professional opinion, are LGBTKO a couple of stupid potato-heads?

Hawke: I mean, I wouldn’t use those words exactly, but sure, LGBTKO are a couple of stupid potato heads.

Randy: So he’s like, “Randy, I can’t feel my legs." And I’m like, "You’re not gonna need ‘em anyway" and woosh there he went. BUT IS ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THAT!? No, instead we’re watching Timeless try to save the world or talk to trainees- Zeze is doing that trainee thing too now that I’m thinking about it.

TKII: Mreoww mreow.

Randy: OH YEAH! And what’s up with Michael Storm? He seems really upset. You’re right man, we should visit him more.

TKII: Reeooooow.

Randy: Yeah, I did see you there, you went right after that wine like a good kitty. Almost as good as hearing Caff’s “whine”- amIrite? Anyway, the point is: Cross nobody cares about you because they’re focused on Card- and that’s a good thing. It makes you more dangerous bro. And like, more power to Rat because I love his beer but he’s been going around trying to put as big of a target on his back as he can. Almost as big as Mistress’ hard-on for Death Trap- or Death Trap’s hard-on for Death Trap now that I’m thinking about it. You know, they’d make a good couple.

*He thinks on that.*

Hawke: You know I’m surprisingly proud of Nelly for going along with the whole “Xtreme Invasion” thing. I didn’t think he’d ever pull of something less than completely innocent. Now if they spray painted a big “XHF” on the door, that’d really send the message home. Then again, gotta be careful what you do or say around those LGBTKO boys because they get real sensitive if they get the chance to say they’re being attacked about- well I don’t need to say it. What I do need to do is to point out that Bloodied Fox really couldn’t have check anything when trying to find out about Dos Angeles. Have they held tag gold together? No. But Randy has held gold with Quake. But more importantly Fox completely ignored that in his own home company of AWF Nelly has been the Prestige Champion! How do you come on TV and say that a guy hasn’t done anything when he’s been your company’s champ?

Interviewer: Has Bloodied Fox ever held the AWF Prestige Championship?

Nelly: No, I don’t think so. Why are you asking?

Hawke: And if you look over at MCCW’s currently active title records you’ll see that Nelly is a multi-time Junior Heavyweight Champion. How do you miss active major titles like that?

Nelly: I think that it’s unfair to say that Randy hasn’t done anything. Sure, he’s a drunk and makes a lot of mistakes, but somehow he’s the current J-ROK Straight Edge Champion- and did you know he still holds Champoon’s Shooting Star Championship? Since they’re back that means he’s one of the longest title holders in the new XHF era. He’s an active double champ. That’s my brother.

Hawke: Dos Angeles, heh. They’re an interesting duo, that’s for sure. I hope the best for them in the tag-team ladder match and the Rumble coming up- they’ve worked hard for it.

*We cut to Randy Angel passed out on the couch with Tequila Kitty II (also passed out) in his arms. Quietly Nelly drapes the J-ROK Straight Edge and CW Shooting Star Championships on his brother- only for Randy to sleep-grumble and knock them to the floor.*

Narrator: How will the “Xtreme Invasion” or "hastag foxtrap" as it’s called leave everyone going into the Rumble? I guess history will reveal that in weeks to come…

*The credits roll as we see more blurry actor sequences play out the Xtreme Invasion only more dark and moody. As it turns out, yes, the narrator was Funaki, good ear. It leaves you with a lot to think about and digest as the documentary fades to black.*