Kings and Queens (DT Rumble RP 4)

[Dave D-Flipz]

IT’S A TRAP!
Death Trap Blog

April 12, 2020

So I was perusing the XHF Network website to catch up on the goings on in the rumble promotional material war and I gotta say it’s a pretty disheartening thing to see. Some of these people have no clue what they are getting into. Others are ripping people off wholesale. But you loyal readers came here to get my opinions and so I give you this totally unique take on an XHFNetwork.com promo! Totally never done before, I am the king of this new era of communication.


(What any reader who believes that last line must have lots of)

Ok so I don’t exactly have a monopoly on the self-aggrandizing stream of consciousness blog post on the network. But then, that was never the point now was it? While some people might be fine with just ripping off a rival, I am better than that. See, it’s called parody and homage. When you just post up a completely original take that is literally the same thing your bitter rival did the last event of this caliber and is his calling card, it takes a deft hand to turn that into something beyond a blatant rip off showing that the other guy is more original than you are. But man look at Anthony Caffrey go. He is the “emperor” after all so lord knows he should get all the credit. I mean here he goes trying something new … and I respect when people try something new … but uh … yeah. His idea of new was to have a meeting with his boss – you know the Mongo Corp model. Go on a zoom call interview, basically what the news is these days. Punching a mirror and hurting himself, every action movie with a conflicted tough dude and also Bill Goldberg say hi. And oh yes, writing a Dillinger Files blog with no hint of irony or turning it into a clever call out at the guy … you know the DT model. It’s called doing it the right way Caff. Yeah so Caffrey is trying a new to him approach and hoping it makes him seem avant garde.


(Dillinger explaining intellectual property to Caffrey)

What I’m trying to say is … there’s nothing original about Anthony Caffrey. I mean let’s be real he makes his promos about himself and FOR himself. Nobody else could sit and watch this and assume he’s some creative genius!


(See above explanation but about originality)

But DT! I hear you readers thinking quite loudly. You’re ripping off Seth Dillinger now too! And to that I say, quiet down I’m right here. Get six feet away from me thot. And also. Yes. Yes I am. But I am doing it to mock Caffrey and his ability to be completely tone deaf. I am not passing this off as my idea, the whole point of me typing instead of recording a video the easy way is to copy Seth Dillinger as a way of parodying Anthony Caffrey. It’s called being creative and stepping outside the box. You all seem to forget that DT has been innovating since 2002. Just because I’m over the hill doesn’t mean my brain stops working. You young whippersnappers don’t get to monopolize being funny and topical. Just because Seth is the queen of mean in his blogs and Caffrey tries to pull the “emperor” card to claim the idea as his own … Caffrey related to Trump confirmed … doen’t mean DT isn’t still the KING of getting the attention on himself baby.


(Actual article about old man DT right now)

SO yes, Seth I apologize. I know you aren’t in the rumble and it must seem odd seeing yourself so many times. I assure you the only reason I’m putting your name down in my blog is to give proper credit for Anthony Caffrey’s … “ideas”. After all it’s clear your under his skin. I mean you’d think this was a one on one with you, or at least a ménage a trois with you and Cross, or Card? Ménage a Quattro? Hey I’m sure you can set all that up, Card and Caffrey are just dying to be seen with you. Imagine having one each on each arm as your accessories while Card leads Cross by a leash behind you.


(Big Daddy Dillinger)

But I digress. Don’t worry Seth I’ll take care of Caffrey here and you can focus on your circle of … um … frienemies. Man you really touched a nerve on those guys. Ryan Young just goes nuts anytime someone even mentions your name. It’s almost like he hates being compared to you now. Some friend am I right? I mean, you aren’t even on the rumble card so it seems you COULD have offered to defend the tag titles in place of one of them and saved them a bit for the rumble. But then Ryan seems to have the right strategy, let Bloodied Fox do all the goddamn work. It’s not like it’s a bad strategy Ryan. After all you are clearly the weak link here aren’t you? Wait you aren’t? I mean it sure looks that way. You claimed Seth as your own in the Fired Up tourney, you rode his coattails to a tag title win, you are the one who made it out of the Legion and Cure debacle mostly unscathed. Seth kicked Selena once … meanwhile Kuroi is out folding Fox up like an accordion every week and Seth … well … he has his own wing at the hospital after the AWF shenanigans in his past. But Ryan Young get to ride into the rumble as a tag champion and with a title shot in AWF under his belt all for picking the right guys to ride with and then pissing them off in just the right ways. I mean it’s a work of art really. Even Caff could learn something from you, he’s out doing his own work. Then again… nobody would ever even pretend to be his friend so hey, one nil Ryan on that account. Hell you even tricked Fox into doing all the promos for the tag match while you train and … seethe. Meanwhile Fox is out here being called the weak link in the team and putting out the best work in and out of the ring of his career and nobody notices because he’s under Ryan’s shadow … who lives in Seth’s shadow.


(Actual footage of Fox trying to make this work)

Look I know a thing or two about rising stars and you all need to support your friend a little more. After all if you lose those tag titles it won’t be because of Fox slacking off. Then again the poor kid is gonna ruin himself for the rumble. It’s kind of sad, I can see this being the kind of event where he makes a name for himself. Hey let’s all remember when Fox comes out half dead from losing his tag titles to watch because I guarantee he will be the one to throw Ryan to the outside out of spite. No but in all seriousness it saddens me to see Seth and Ryan going crazy. I mean, they may not have been an actual item but on screen it was kind of magic. And now it seems all three of you are gonna have to hoof it on your own. We know what Seth is about, I’d love to get a one on one with him some day, test my submission skills. See if I can’t make him squeal the way … no ya know what I’m taking that too far. I made it weird.


(Footage of DT in his quarantine chamber)

Anyhow, Seth is gonna be fine. It’s basically what he does, he gets his shit kicked then somehow makes everyone involved look foolish for doubting him. Fox has had his title success and has been diligently climbing the cards for a while now, the kid has raw talent. Now it isn’t gonna help him overcome fatigue and untrustworthy friends and the raw size of the rumble but hey … you watch if he doesn’t come out of the rumble opening some eyes. But Ryan … man I feel bad for you. What happens to you if you lose the titles, lose the rumble, get thrown out by your friend … or hell your enemy Caffrey? What happens if you then lose to Seth? You came in with all this bravado and looked fantastic and don’t get me wrong the talent is there. I watched you take down Hyperion, no easy feat. But the results don’t scream “King of the Ring”, do ya feel me? Might just be better to …


(Note: Not actual social distancing)

But Ryan and Fox aside, let’s dig into the meat of this blog, what you all came here for.


(What you all came to the internet for)

Anthony Catfrey … er CAFFREY! Sorry. This after all Caffrey’s show isn’t it? I mean it’s almost like when all you do is purposely piss everyone off across multiple feds and talk up how AMAZING you are, people wanna talk about you and punch you in the mouth. Trust me! I’ve been there. I was that guy. The difference between us is when I lost MY title I shut the fuck up and went out to win one back instead of talking more smack and getting smacked down because of it. Cuz let’s be real …since you lost to VINCENT … DRAVEN …. Give it a sec let it sink in ………. And continue … you haven’t really done much of note have you? You talk like you’ve held seven world titles in those last six months or so. You claim to be the best. But let’s look at the track record and … oh …


(Caffrey self-reflecting)

Hmm well that can’t be right. Lost your beloved title and free X*Crown shot on the last day of business. Lost in two separate rumble attempts, lost to Chris Card, lost to 110% Syberus … what the fuck is a Syberus anyway? Yeah I’m not seeing much of note. Meanwhile in just the last six months I’ve been MCCW Champion, won the End of Days tournament, and am running through another Gold Rush tournament. Not the BEST achievements I know but a hell of a lot better than yours. I’ve lost what, one match in this tourney, one match to a magician, and had Maverick screw the pooch versus Zoran. Otherwise I’ve been winning… a lot. You love to shit on MCCW but I’m over here fighting once a week and my record is fantastic. I’m consistently one of the top stars in MCCW and in XHF in general. Meanwhile you’ve been … good. You get some wins. You hurt some ankles. You’ve lost your only title shot for a third rate title to a third rate competitor. But hey you beat Timeless and pissed off Zoran enough to get him to browbeat you into his service!


(Thumbs Up)

So Anthony is less than what he claims to be. Does that mean I shouldn’t care? I mean, probably, but that’s now how DT works. I don’t make it a point of underestimating people. And despite his overinflated ego and assessment of himself, the guy has talent. He has a really solid ankle lock. Um … I mean I’m sure there’s more to him … he cheats real good? He uses other people? Look I’m trying here but for all his bragging he’s basically a one-note fighter. He uses his stamina to tire people out while working the ankle and then he locks in his signature move. The dude can brawl like a bar fight, he has a good handle on the basic submissions and how to work a limb. But I mean … I do all of that and more. Caffrey gets by on his stamina and his ability to cheat his way to the Process. I mean it works … but it’s not exactly artistic, it’s not exactly sportsmanlike, it’s not … fun. Sure he can use a DDT in a pinch but my Main Attraction is vastly superior and has laid out more than a fair share of superstars. And when it comes to submissions my Death Trap is far superior. I made Leon Chant pass out in seconds, I’ve made every champion in our fed tap out to that lethal move. I made every foe in the End of Days tourney tap out to said move. When it comes to submissions Caffrey is an artist but I am a prodigy. And when it comes to stamina and endurance … well DT has NEVER tapped out … except that one time to Ishnari in like 2004. Just about the only thing Caff does that I don’t do better is cheat.


(I know, mind blown right?)

Readers I implore you, go back and watch the tapes, watch a match of Caff and watch a match of mine. Caffrey has stamina, mine is better. Caffrey does submissions, mine are MILES better. Caffrey trash talks, well so do I and some would say we both make people wanna gouge their ears out or go to sleep.


(Listeners…)

Caffrey has that same smug look at the start of every promo, every match, but what is it built on?


(That look…)

Nothing. Caffrey’s ego is built on a run of dominance he had in AXW without any real challenges and without any real tribulations. I’ve had like 6 of those runs in my career, they all end. Nobody is perfect not even me. I know, shocking. But hey let’s go around pilfering ideas from someone who has done it better and passing it off as the genius of Caffrey. Oh and I suppose I’m supposed to put a recipe in here? To do it right … yes Caff? Seth? Well…


(Sad song)

*Video attachment*

: Look, this is a parody. I am not going to step into the kitchen and give you all my secret recipe for my favorite duck dinner or Mama Carloni’s famous meatballs in sauce. After all wouldn’t wanna piss off Papa Zoran would I?

*He winks at the camera*

: Here’s the recipe you all need to know. Take one XHF Barge, place it in international waters. Heat it up with SO MUCH government red tape and hatred from health officials. Sprinkle in a hefty helping of Mongo’s money. Slowly add in 45 wrestlers making sure one of them is your X*Crown champ and is last to go into the pot, and one is the best damn wrestler in the world in his own mind. Oh and then make sure one of them is a TRUE legend, an XHF legend. One with history in this match and in this fed. Not some Portuguese Casanova, not some loud mouth from Philly with a chip on his shoulder, not a fractured set of tag team champions. But a REAL legend. Let it bake for like 5 hours or so and wait until all but that one legend have leapt from the pan because they couldn’t take the heat. There you have your recipe for XHF Rumble with a side of X*Crown Champion Death Trap.

*He shrugs at the camera*

: Hokey? Fuck yes it is, but this is supposed to be a Caffrey style robbery of a Dillinger production. Hokey is baked into the DNA don’tcha know. Caffrey let me be straight up honest with you. The whole emperor veneer you have … it doesn’t work. You haven’t done enough to merit that. You are just another in a long line of cocky ass wrestlers who won one big one and lived on the hype from that. Sure you COULD win this and prove me wrong but then there is a better chance you don’t. And then you get to be me. Because you are just like me 2006. Angry at the world, chip on your shoulder, better than everyone else in your own mind. And the big matches were behind you. But hey, if I can teach you anything it’s that it’s never too late to come back and be the best again. Nobody would argue that I haven’t been one of the best stars in XHF the last year. I mean … not argue it and be right at least.

*He looks deeply into the camera*

: See there was a glimmer, a glimpse, of something real there just for a minute. That podcast where you talked to your home town and only them … THAT was the real Caffrey, that was the true you. Not this pumped up bullshit artist you play in front of the SWAT crowd. And no, I’m not gonna make a joke about you running because it’s all crap. This whole my fed is better than yours shit is stupid. Every one of the network feds has something of value and you need the right fit. Every one of them is in the Network and hence is just as viable as the next. There are guys in almost every fed who were at one point in another. It happens. Things get stale, you need a change. Besides why would I insult you based on a choice you madeyou’re your career when the much more logical option is just to call you out for the bullshit you try to pass off as high quality shit. You call yourself the emperor in the same way “Captain” Jack Sparrow called himself a captain for years with no ship or crew. You didn’t earn that title, you don’t deserve it. But hey that’s fine … because guess what … empires? They fall. Emperors are deposed. Empires crumble. Reigns end. United fronts dissolve. But legends? Like me? Legends are eternal, they last forever. And the legend of DT will grow ever grander when he deposes Emperor Caffrey and King Zoran and whoever else steps in my way. Because my reign starts at the rumble.

Peace out fans of DT, which is likely just Mistress Discipline at this point … See you soon Caffrey.