Shameless Promotion (A Summer Epic) [Jun 22, 2007]

[Dave D-Flipz]

OOC: THIS WAS A 5 PART EPIC CO WRITTEN WITH MYSELF AND ROB HILL AKA GRAVEDIGGER




*The scene opens with three familiar characters that have been known to pull crazy stunts like the ones we are about to witness exclusively on XHF television. The characters converse one looks smug as ever, the other kind of questioning the others actions, and the other one is as giddy as a school girl that found out a boy has a crush on her. The Smug one turns around and we see the characters are none other than GD, DT, and Funaki*

GD : Hey look the cameras finally here

DT : Dude, you sure this is gonna work?

GD : Yes, Now to answer the question of why we are here, outside of a TV studio, and not in the XHF arena like good little superstars...well for one I dont ever remember being a good little superstar and especially DT here either I mean hes even been a heel and gotten booed by you people

DT : Hey man lets not go there, they know the story

GD : true and what a boring one at that

DT : watch it

Funaki : Funaki NUMBA ONE GOOD XHF SUPASTA!

GD : sure you little buddy...Anyway we digress. We are here to promote XHF decimation, which takes place right here in New York City at 9 pm 8 central.

Funaki : But we not on da card...

DT : yeah but WWE does it all the time

GD : Good one, but not being on the card doesnt mean we are not some of the most popular, dynamic

DT : deadly

Funaki : and handsome supastas

*GD and DT just shake their heads*

GD : But were going to start off with promoting by capturing the house wife demographic, cuz everyone knows that secretly deep down they love watching wrestling...for reasons were not going to get into at this point in time because...well just because. But how are we going to do that? Day Time TV

DT : oh god, were not gonna go on a soap opera are we?

*GD fake shivers*

GD : I could never bring myself to do that

DT : Talk show?

GD : Nah, XHF has problems but were not that screwed up...I was thinking a game show

DT : works for me

Funaki : Funaki rike prizes

GD : then its agreed first game show we see, were their new contestants

*the trio walks inside the studio and low and behold the first door they see is entitled I smell a match*

DT : Ok, that name is so cheesy it has to be a game show, probably some kind of matching game

*The three walk in, see the stage and sit on the three stools in the center of the stage as they hear...*

Announcer Guy : And heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee Come our Eligible Bachelor!!!!!

*the crowd cheers, as the guys start whispering amongst each other*

GD : Yeah, I dont think this is the matching game we had in mind

Funaki : dat announca was better dan funaki...

DT : well this can still be fun

GD : yeah, maybe youll get a date out of it

DT : you think so?

GD : sure, and god knows you need one

DT : well, I guess its time for the main attraction to show you that hes better than you at yet another thing

GD : Bring it...

*Funaki is too busy straightening his hair and making sure his breath is fresh and clean*

Announcer Guy : And lets take a moment to get a peek at our Bachelor. First Bachelor Number 1 Hes Timothy Ribbons, hes a 21 year old college student that is studying marine biology and enjoys long walks on the beach, sunsets, and hanging outside on his beachside patio

*the camera shifts on GD, he responds with a smirk and a wave, While holding a card that says Watch XHF Decimation*

Announcer Guy : On to Bachelor Number 2. His name is Ziggy Tramp he is currently 25 in his 3rd year of college, and one of the top student in his african american fraternity. He enjoys playing reggae music as he swoons the bitches and hoes.

*The Camera hits on DT whos got on one of those youve got to be kidding me faces who also flashes a watch XHF Sign*

Announcer Guy : And finally Bachelor number 3. His name is Dirk Phoenix, and he is a 35 year old adventurer, whos been all around the world, and raided a few temples. Hes looking to settle down with a girl who wants to start up a motorcycle stunt show

*the camera goes on Funaki, who does his sexy look and holds up a sign that says smoke*

Announcer Guy : And now Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees Our Host The uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllltiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrorrrr

DT & GD : You gotta be f*cking kidding me

*The Ultimate Warrior runs out, all around the stage almost knocking over the bachelorette and bouncing off the wall that separates our trio from the bachelorette and the warrior. The Warrior gets behind his podium and shakes shaking it un controllably, before finally stopping*

Ultimate Warrior : Ladies and Gentlemen....welcome to I smell a....match. Where I the warrior control the fates and destinies of mortals that do not understand the power and greatness of the ultimate warrior, that is given to me before the gods that are in the ultimate cave where I have spent many years training, fighting, and killing those that both feared me and respected me as it was all the same to me as I only cared about one thing and it wasnt virgins as I the warrior have slept with many women and they screamed my name has the felt the power of the warrior, ramming them uncontrollably nor did I the warrior care about goats that I have also been known to show the power of the warrior. NO I cared for the supreme power, and everlasting life that is the ultimate warrior. Now you mortals shall now witness that Power as I give you the chance to mindlessly babble as I the warrior watch on in amuse me in your foolish ways as I know after this date you two sleep together as I watch on in another room through a two way mirror you will never see each other again. Now lets get on this show so declares the ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!!!!!

*The Warrior puts his arms in the air and lets out that growl, you people know which one that Im talking about, so Im not going into any more detail on that one and lets get on with the show*

Bachelorette : Bachelor Number 1.... who is my daddy and what does he do?

GD : Im your daddy, and I show you that over and over again every night

*the crowd lets out one of the oooooooooohs*

Bachelorette : Oh my...*fans herself with a card* Bachelor number 3 if I were an ice cream cone, would u eat me all at once, or would you take it nice and slow?

Funaki : well It depend on what flavor of ice cream you ar, if it sushi Funaki eat as much as I can till funaki puke

*clearly disgusted* Bachelorette : Bachelor Number 2 same question

DT : Well Im sure gelato as fine as you should only be eaten slowly and every last drop fully appreciated

Bachelorette : We might have to try that sometime, now bachelor number 2, if I was in trouble would you save me?

Ultimate Warrior : You would not need that puny mortal as I the ultimate warrior would be more than up to the task of saving this damsel as no creature on this world in the dimension that hold parts unknown can topple the power supreme the ultimate warrior, the power is so great that I do not need a sword or an axe I well tear anything part with my bare hands before lifting them over my and head and jumping on them, as I do not need something pathetic like the leg drop as no one should be beaten by the leg drop, and I proved that when hulk hogan crashed his plane on his way to wrestle mania six and I walked out the champion and he did not and -----

Bachelorette : SHUT UP!

Ultimate Warrior : GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

DT : Yes I would save you, as you have no idea what Ive been through in my lifetime, and what Ive accomplished in that time, and besides Im more interested in how wed celebrate you being safe and warm

Bachelorette : Well thats my little secret....Bachelor number 1 how would you describe your kiss, a soft summers breeze or a jackhammer?

GD : What kind of question is that? A jack hammer? Cmon...and great you got summer breeze stuck in my head now, thank you very much

Bachelorette : Bachelor Number 3, same question

GD : Summer Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze makes me feel fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine blowing through the jasmine in my miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind

Funaki : A Jackhamma cuz I go in strong and when I done you neva da same again

*the warrior starts shaking his podium again*

Ultimate Warrior : ENOUGH of this nonsense for the power decreed by me by those in the highest offices known to mortal men, but not as powerful as the warrior as they like to think but that is fine as they can think what ever they want before I crush their puny skulls against the sacrificial stone. But You must CHOOSE!!!!!

Bachelorette : I choose the Announcer Guy!

Funaki : YES I XHF NUMBA ONE ANNOUNCA!

*Funaki goes to get up, but the announcer guy from I Smell a match comes running down as him and the bachelorette embrace and lock the lips much to funakis dismay*

GD : Tough break funaki, but your better off no one wants to date game show people

Funaki : I hate dat man!

GD : You done yet DT, Ive had my fill of this place

*DT finishes Writing watch XHF on the Camera*

DT : yup

GD : lets blow this joint, and capture the hearts of another demographic

Ultimate Warrior : And there you have it foolish mortals yet another match made in the very bowls of hell that I have battled the devils and demons in with on hand tied behind my back and my eyes closed, they said I would fall but I DID NOT FALL. I showed them the power that is the ultimate warrior as they cried for their demon spawned mothers that I already had my way with, as like looked on in withering pain, and after the battle was over I sat on the throne but it was uncomfortable on my prestigious warrior behind so I start my way back up trough the fire pits of eternal flame and stench of death and destruction by the havoc wreaked by mankind and the powers of those that you do not know nor will ever know as there are battles being fought all around by beast that will tear you limb from limb but not The ULTIMATE WARRIOR----

*the non written on XHF camera fades as the warrior continues his mindless rant and our Trio leaves the studio, to continue promoting XHFs Decimation throughout NYC*

[Dave D-Flipz]

*We open back up on our trio of misfit toys ... er ... sorry ... XHF Superstars ... and Funaki ... heading down the street.*

Funaki : Funaki say we get some 'za.

*DT slaps him*

DT : Never call it that again. It's apizza.

GD : Yes a pizza.

DT : No no it's one word.

GD : Like hell it is!

DT : Ok ok let's agree to disagree and just get to a pizzeria.

Funaki : OOOH! Panucci's Pizza!

*DT and GD look through the window to see a bald, old fat man kneeding the dough ... with no gloves ... and sneezing on said dough.*

DT : I dunno ... this doesn't seem ... right.

Funaki : Oh but dere's a dog out here.

*GD turns and sees a scruffy homeless looking dog sitting there looking sad.*

GD : Looks depressed. Like it's been waiting here for someone ... for a thousand summers ... or at least like since 2000.

DT : Hmm ... now this place looks better. Cowabunga Pizza Shop. Let's go there.

GD : What's the difference?

DT : TV .. The Mariners are playing and I wanna watch my old buddies play.

GD : ...... Baseball su...

DT : STOP! I care not for your feeling on the best of all sports. Just focus on the food. Look they have ninety different topping choices.

Funaki : Funaki want anchovies and maple syrup.

*The other two just turn and look at him like he just ... like ... had sex with Britney Spears.*

GD : What?

DT : Yeah if you ate that we'd have a "fun" night ... watching you die of food poisoning.

Funaki : Well you can't spell fun without Funaki!

GD : .... *sigh* Can we please just eat? We can't promote Decimation on empty stomachs.

*They enter the pizzeria and sit down to view the menu.*

Angry New Yorker: Ah you stupid cagoots!

DT : Excuse me?

ANY: Yous guys is in my seat. The Yanks are comin on.

DT : Yankees suck.

*The whole pizzeria just whips around.*

Funaki : Funaki is conscientious observer. Baseball not big in Japan.

DT : Um ... yes it is. In fact the best Japanese player in the bigs is on TV.

ANY: ... Matsui fan?

DT : What fuck no he's a Yank. I mean Ichiro. Come on face it, Ichiro is the best. He can do it all.

ANY: Hey FUCK YOUS! Ichiro plays for a team that isn't the Yankees which means he sucks.

DT : Um... that doesn't work. I mean what about Willie Mays? Roberto Clemente, they were true greats and they never played for the Yanks.

ANY: That's why they sucked. I mean Mays? Come on ARod is way better.

DT : ... If this was April 1st you;d be booing his ass off!

ANY: So?

DT : Look I don't talk to imbeciles. I'm gonna order pizza now. You go watch your team lose.

ANY: THEY'RE THE BEST IN BASEBALL.

DT : Um ... did they win the World Series last year?

ANY: N... No ...

DT : Do they have the best record in baseball?

ANY: No ...

DT : Logic flawed come back when you can actually argue at a fifth grade level.

*The guy storms off as our heroes go to order.*

TWENTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!

DT : MMM ... Buffalo chicken calzone. That's good shit.

GD : Meat lovers pizza. That's the shit.

Funaki : Mmmmm. XHF NUMBA ONE PIZZA!

*Funaki has downed half of an anchovies, spinach, and wasabi pizza with the spinach spelling out "Come see XHF Decimation*

DT : If you die we aren't responsible.

GD : Hey ... I just thought of something. We are in a pizza shop that is named for one of the best superhero teams ever!

DT : Us?

GD : ... No ... The one and only Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Leo, Mikey, Raph, and Donnie. And their mutant rat sage Splinter.

DT : OH YEAH! That show was the tits!

GD : ... Stop hanging around with teenagers ... they'll poison your mind.

Funaki : Straight trippin mad phat there Gravedigga.

*They just look at him ............... and make faces of disgust.*

DT : We should track them down!

GD : Quick Funaki find a sewer!

Funaki : Sewa?

DT : Duh they live there! Just like that Yankee fan from earlier!

ANY: FUCK YOUS!

*They run outside and find a manhole. DT produces a random from nowhere crowbar and pries it open. Funaki leaps in. Just then a familiar face walks down the sidewalk.*

DT : Holy crap! Look GD!

*DT's foot hits the manhole cover and it slides back into place.*

Funaki : *muffled by cover* Hello? Det Twap? Gravedigga? Funaki is NUMBA ONE FEARER OF THE DARK! ...... I'm slipping

*A scream and splash is heard*

Funaki : So .. I'll just look for mutant turtles alone then?

GD : Oh ... my ... agawd ... it's Spiderman.

Tobey Maguire: Hi ... but I'm Tobey Maguire. I play Spiderman in movies.

DT : *looks at GD and winks* Oh ... well ... we just figured you know since we're in New York that seeing you was just too coincidental. So Spiderman what was up with movie 3. Not up to
snuff with the others.

GD : Yeah I mean come on, you need to do better.

Tobey Maguire: Look I'm an actor. I don't have a say in the script.

GD : Shoot a web and swing for us!

DT : Climb that wall!

Tobey Maguire: OK! I am sick of this! *he's crying now.* I am a good actor. I was in other movies too! I was in Seabiscuit! I hate Spiderman! I want to be known as an actor not known only as Spiderman. He isn't my whole career!

GD : Had me fooled Pete.

*He runs away crying.*

DT : Was that too harsh?

GD : I think not.

GD : Well we need to find something to bide our time till Funaki finds the turtles. OOO! Wall Street!

DT : Almost closing time, let's promote in there ...

*They head inside.*

DT : XHF stock is up ... 100% today? Oh cuz Vince died.

stock guy: Time for our guest to ring the closing bell

JBL: *ringing the bell* I AM A STOCK MARKET GOD!

GD : ... Hmm ...

JBL: And a wrestling God!

GD : There ya go. So JBL how you been?

JBL: Well boys I tell ya. Since Vince died I've been able to parade around and just promote shamlessly.

DT : Hey that's what we're doing. You should come see XHF Decimation.

JBL: Wrestling? Free ticket? I'm there. Hey if you ever need a world champ you know how to reach me.

GD : He's really a nice guy in person.

*JBL runs off and randomly clothesline from hells some random schmuck at the desk*

GD : Or ... not.

Employee: Oh my God he's dead! Or ... severely injured. All he ever wanted to do was watch the Yankees and masturbate while following XHF Stock! Poor Carlos!

*GD and DT look at the camera with shifty eyes then walk out. They walk down a hill where a random pipe juts out ... just then.*

Funaki : AHHHHH1

*Funaki is chased out of the pipe by a random crocodile. He runs down the hill and toward a store which causes DT and GD to go eyes wide jaw drop.*

DT : Oh man.

GD : You thinking ... what I'm thinking?

*Fade out ... To be continued*

[Dave D-Flipz]

*The Scene opens back up with two thirds of our trio walking calmly down the hill talking about what has just stricken them with such a blast of awe and wonder, while Funaki is trying to shake off the only alligator that exists in the sewers of new york city.*

GD : Well I think we totally should

DT : well thats not what were arguing, I wanna know how are we going to go about doing it

GD : we leave that to me, besides its almost getting dark, and everyone knows thats when the Gravediggers come out to play

DT : I thought you dropped that act a along time ago

GD : Oh I did, was totally creepy...but I do like bringing it up when its convenient. Cant tell you how many arguements Ive won bringing it up.

DT : I really dont wanna know

*Funaki comes running up from behind, panting*

Funaki : Did I lose it?

*GD and DT turn around*

GD : Yup, so tell me Funaki did you find anything down there besides that gator?

Funaki : Some giant rats

GD : Damn

DT : why do you care about the turtles so much?

GD : Well I beat up a giant reptile in the form of godzilla

DT : aw man I remember that, funny shit and you brought out the shovel of pai

GD : Shut it, no one talks about the shovel....not even me

Funaki : Shovel of pain one of GeeDees ultimate weapons

*GD chops Funaki right across the chest, and Funaki hunches over in pain*

GD : I said no one talks about the shovel damn it

DT : heh, look at those street performers over there

GD : Street performers huh? Thats another demographic we can capture the hearts of...

DT : uh, GD you understand Street performers, and the homeless cant afford pay per view right?

GD : What? Dude I was talking about charity organizations. We should so go and mingle...

DT : And do what? We're not musically inclined...

GD : Speak for yourself, what else did you think Id screw around with while I was away from the XHF?

DT : I dunno, acting

Funaki : Reality TeeVee?

GD : Nope, Im not that stupid. But look at it this way, being musically inclined never stopped wrestlers that had no musically ability

DT : Im not getting the picture

GD : Look at Macho Man

DT : yeah he really did suck

GD : No seriously look over there at Macho Man...

*the camera shifts over to see the Macho man himself with a boom box rapping for change*

Randy Savage : OH YEAH! Be a man hulk!!! Be a man....come out and fight me!!!! OH YEAH!!!! Bonesaw is ready!!!! OH YEAH! SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!!

GD : Yeah...its like hes not even trying

DT : sad part is, I think he is

Funaki : Funaki ready to rock!!!!

*Funaki runs over to the little trio of guys near macho man and bumps the drummer out of the way, GD and DT follow him over, and notice the vocalist is familiar looking*

GD : Jimmy Hart?!?!?!? What are you doing here?

Jimmy Hart : Well boys, I really dont know

GD : well do you mind if we jam with you for a bit

Jimmy Hart : Sure

GD : watch XHF

DT : Hey do you know any Metallica?

Jimmy Hart : No

DT : why not?

GD : You know damn well why

DT : Oh I know lets play my theme song

GD : dude this is an acoustic guitar....you know what this wasnt a good idea

*the normal guitarist takes back his guitar*

Dude : Hey I know a wrestling theme...

DT : Sweet, what is it

GD : yeah thatll help promote XHF, right Funaki?

Funaki : Smoke....

*the Dude starts playing, and it turns out to be Hulk Hogans Theme Real American. And Hulk Hogan just so happens to be walking down the street with his show hogan knows best for plot purpose far beyond our knowledge*

Hulkamania : Hey Brothers, hey jimmy I was wondering where I left you dude....and Good song!

Funaki : *Wide eyed* OH MY A-GOD!!!!! Brooke Hogan! I your biggest fan!

Hulkamania : HEY BROTHER!!! Back off...you cant have my daughter

GD : Dont worry hulk, hes harmless

Hulkamania : Yeah well I dont feel like using this 24-inch pythons today anyway...

DT : well you certainly cant run wild either...

GD : Besides I think we could take Hulkamania...brother

DT : Yeah No backstage Politics here...

*Hogan overhears Macho Man*

Randy Savage : OH YEAH! Be a man hulk!!! Be a man....come out and fight me!!!! OH YEAH!!!! Bonesaw is ready!!!! OH YEAH! SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!!

Hulkamania : Okay brother...Ill be a man

*Hogan starts walking towards Macho Man, who runs away, but before Hogan can notice GD, DT, and Funaki Wrote XHF on The Hogan Knows Best Camera, and have made there way to the giant store
that had inspired the awe and wonder.*

[Dave D-Flipz]

*We open back up on our hapless group of heroic .... um ... dudes. They have stopped in front of some kind of statue.*

Funaki : It booteeful.

GD : A marvel before mankind.

DT : Is there anything more awesome than this sight?

*Zoom out and it's ... a fucking giant teddy bear.*

DT : *wiping a tear from his eye* Today our dream comes true.

GD : Too bad Magnus isn't here...

---

*Meanwhile we open up on some random path in the middle of the Ozarks. Magnus pops out of some random underground tunnel.*

Magnus : Hey ... this isn't New York ... or Pismo Beach ...

Vulture: Duh yup yup dinner Pappy!

Magnus : I think I took a wrong left turn at Albuquerque. .... I didn't know i knew how to pronounce Albuquerque. Or spell it. ... There's an x in there ...

---

Funaki : So ... what is dis place?

DT : F.A.O. Schwartz ... the biggest toy store in the world. A playground for the young and young at heart. And a place where GD and I can fulfull a fantasy of ours.

Funaki : Ah ... I have same one. Oh Barbie, you be mine soon.

*They look at him all odd.*

Funaki : I mean *cough cough* NUMBA ONE!

*They run to the door with total disregard for the fact that it is probably about 11 pm and the place is locked up. Only a single night guard patrols the place.*

GD : ... A guard ...

DT : I'll handle this.

*DT and Funaki walk up to the guard.*

Guard: Hey you aren't supposed to be here!

DT : What! Quick Funaki over there!

*DT points out into nowhere and Funaki whirls around*

DT: *to the guard* Quick gimme the keys. RUN!

*The guard obliges and sprints off.*

GD : ..... I .... but .... ok now this is even too unbelievable for us ...

DT : No no, that only worked because that was Magnus's brother.

Funaki : What Funaki looking for!?

DT : ... Funaki ... you know what let's leave him.

GD : No ... he isn't Smash, he won't vanish somewhere and end up safe after a long search through a White Castle. He won't survive without us.

*GD grabs Funaki as DT unlocks the doors and they enter the toy palace paradise of particularly parsimonious perils! .... My tongue is tied ...*

DT : *drooling* ... OH MY GOD!

*DT sprints over to the model car isle*

GD : What is your problem?

DT : They have the limited edition super rare corvette model kit that I've wanted since I was ten! LAST ONE! I'm getting it.

*He grabs the box ... then sees the glue and paint needed to finish it.*

DT : Oh I need this.

*He reaches down and puts the box on the ground and grabs the paint. ... Suddenly a Tonka truck rolls out and crushes the box.*

DT : GASP! NOOOOOO! MY BABY! I barely knew ye!

Funaki : Funaki found the tonka trucks! Tonka NUMBA ONE!

Funaki : YOU CRUSHED MY DREAMS!

*DT throws a matchbox car at Funaki but it clatters harmlessly to the ground.*

GD : I'll do you one better.

*GD walks in with a set of remote controls. Funaki grabs one and a radio controlled Indy Racer rolls out at high speed, does a trick, then runs into DT.*

DT : .... Revenge time.

*DT's RC control is to a large monster truck which DT runs off the shelf and it crashes into Funaki and knocks him over then leaves tire treads on his face as it squeals off.*

Funaki : ... Did ... anybody get the license numba?

DT : THAT'S FOR KILLING MY LITTLE INNOCENT MODEL CAR!

GD : ... Again ... I still rule you.

*A helicopter flies smack into DT's face.*

DT : MY EYE!

GD : HAHAHAHA! I AM KING!

Funaki : OOOOH GIANT SIZE TOY TRAIN SET! FUNAKI MUST RIDE!

GD : Well it would get us to another part of the store. I'm interested to see the GD action figure.

Funaki : With Shovel of Pain Action!

*GD slaps him and he crashes onto the engine as the train rides off. GD and DT look at each other and leap onto the next set of cars.*

Funaki : WEEEEE FUNAKI NUMBA ONE KING OF WORLD!

*The train wizzes around the store up to the second floor ... then the third. As the train rides down to floor two it rides over the Cowboy and Indian set. A random dart flies off and hits Funaki.*

Funaki : FUNAKI HIT!

*He tumbles off the train and falls hitting a trampoline ... and springing over the railing to floor one next to the bike section.*

DT : ... Ok now that had to hurt.

GD : We should probably help him out.

DT : ... It's so far away ... let's ride around to him!

DT and GD : WEEEEEEEE!

---

Five Minutes Later

---

*DT is just finishing bandaging up an unconscious Funaki when GD rides by on a bike holding two helmets and two funnoodles (those pool things).*

DT : ... Oh Hell Yes!

*DT grabs a bike and GD tosses him a helmet and noodle. They line up across from each other facing each other.*

GD : BIKE JOUST ROUND ONE!

DT : So ... what are the rules. We just OH SHIT!

*GD rides up before DT is ready and totally kills him knocking him off the bike and onto the ground where he hits his head on a kickstand. Yea a kickstand. GD cracks up.*

DT : REMATCH!

GD: Oh come on I beat you.

DT : Yeah well I won the ECF title and beat you first that didn't stop YOU from rematching me until you beat me!

GD : Fine but I'm only gonna humiliate you again. You aren't exactly the most coordinated guy.

DT : Oh yea?

*he trips on his bike and lands hard on his knee. He grabs it and begins wincing and going SHHHH ... AHHHHH!*

GD : Case ... and point ...

DT : Shut up and joust!

*DT puts his helmet on and gets on the bike and rides away to line up. The two charge and this time the bikes slam together and get mangled and GD and DT ram heads and fall down with the funnoodles flying off in some random directions.*

GD : You HAD to have the damn rematch.

DT : Tuesday ... is ... pizza night!

*Funaki rides by on a power wheels.*

Funaki : Funaki is winning Indianapolis Five Hundred!

*GD and DT leap into power wheels of their own and soon catch up to Funaki.*

GD : Funaki let's make it official. One lap around the floor. Ready?

DT : GO!

*DT rides off with a head start!*

DT : HAHAHA I RULE!

GD : Bastard.

Funaki : Funaki's battery is dying.

*Funaki's car slowly dies and he ends up sitting there watching. GD is catching up to DT who HAD to have the corvette power wheel which is so fancy it's speed is slower. GD is in a stylish ... er .. fire truck ... He turns on the siren and passes DT.*

GD : EAT MY DUST!

*Suddenly an explosion is heard as DT flies over GD screaming.*

GD : The hell?

Tony Stewart: One to go.

GD : Nascar champ Tony Stewart?

Tony Stewart: Hi! I'm a huge XHF fan so ... sorry about this.

*Tony puts GD into a wall and GD rolls off his truck into DT who landed in front of him as Tony rides off out of sight.*

DT : We need ... a safer hobby ...

*Fade out*

[Dave D-Flipz]

*We open back up to the toy store where our loveable trio that weve spent all this time with stumble about the glowing (not literally) isle that is filled with nerf products. Our Trios eyes light up once again as they get the idea to close out the night of shameless promotion*

GD : You guys thinking what Im thinking?

DT : Uh huh....

DT & GD & Funaki : NERF WAR

GD : ok nothing like a nerf war to catch the hearts of our most loveable demographic, the children. One shot kills, last man standing wins. Funaki you got the left side, DT you got the Right Side, and Ill take the front side.

Funaki : what about da back side?

GD : Thats where they keep their stock

DT : and security is there, dont wanna tip them off....only the crazy people work night security....now This is war....Battle stations

*Our trio take off into their agreed upon sections rallying troops, making forts and setting traps. But the camera stumbles upon the nightly security guard that has heard our heros efforts*

Ultimate Warrior : Noises....on a night as quiet as this has got to mean danger is upon the ultimate warrior, but what danger thinks it can topple the ultimate force the unstoppable force that is the ultimate warrior. I have fought beasts that this danger cannot comprehend danger that would strike terror deep in the cockles of this dangers hearts or is it just one heart? The warrior has faced many dangers that have multiple hearts that I had to rip out one by one till the demon stopped breathing and pumping the blood through his purple viens that I later used floss my death after I have feasted on the flesh of the beast and it tasted bad but the warrior can handle anything due to his given power of the ultimate power found in the ultimate caves in the ultimate part of the glorious parts unknown that only I the ultimate warrior know where it is, when the stars align in the sky and the planets are in the shape of the markings on my chest shall I taste everlasting life and wreak havoc on this dangers sorry forsaken soul....For I am the ULTIMATE WARRIOR

*there is some silence*

Ultimate Warrior : GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*the camera cuts over to Funakis section as we see him preparing for war*

Funaki : Ok, Funaki not find any troops of use in his section, so funaki must set traps

*We see Funaki throw a handful of matchboxes on the floor, and laugh to himself*

Funaki : HA Dey neva see dis coming dank you home alone

*funaki then slips one of his own matchboxes and falls and smacks his head on the floor. Funaki slowly gets up a little dizzy and in no shape for thinking clearly, well funaki clearly anyway*

My Size Barbie : Funaki.....

Funaki : You pretty lady...did you call to me?

My Size Barbie : Funaki my love...come to me

Funaki : Ok....

*We see funaki walk towards the my size barbie that he has been talking to all this time*

Funaki : Pretty Lady, did you say you love funaki?

My Size Barbie : Take me now my love...

Funaki : but where?

My Size Barbie : Over there in glorious house...

Funaki : ok

*Funaki grabs the my size barbie and runs to the nearest play house and immeadatley we see the house begin to shake, and the camera cuts away*

---

*A Few minutes later*

---

*We cut to DT sitting there in the action figure isle with a bunch of transformers whom he just finished transforming in to robots, then into vehicles, and then back into robots. DT stand up and begins to talk*

DT : Ok Guys, you are too much fun and I cant wait to see your movie its should be awesome.

*In Theaters July 4th*

DT : Time to get serious though, we have a war to win, and much like you guys the main attraction has something in common with you....we are both more than meets the eye, we are robots in disguise...well not me so much...

*DT scratches his head*

DT : Now our main concern is taking down GD, Funaki is not much of a concern as his probably goofing off some where and should be an easy target. But GD probably has an army of considerable size, so we must travel in disguise...hey that rhymed. But I will not be equipping you with weapons as I know you have your own already and I dont want to insult you...so LETS GO JOE

*DT continues on without realizing his mistake*

---

*Like 2 minutes later...yes, the XHF Cameramen are THAT good*

---

*We cut to GD who is standing tall with a group of teddy bears that have various Nerf guns taped onto them as we see GD who has lost his shirt in favor of a belt of nerf darts across his chest rambo style along with some war paint underneath his eyes, and a bandana tied across his forehead. And a Set of red white and blue legos in the shape of the flag. GD begins his speech*

GD : Men...Today is a great day in our history. We are to commence in an act of war for our honor and dignity. Today we take back what is ours And Maybe some other stuff, right soldier

teddy bear #1 : .......

GD : that is correct private skittles. Now in order to win this war we will have to diploy in groups of two for we can only win when we become the shadows, and attack tactical points in our enemies bases...

Teddy Bear #2 : .......

GD : That is correct private peanut We are surrounded on both side, which is why we will split up into two main strike forces that will be divided up into two smaller groups. I will be heading the assault on Death Traps Base, while firebert will head the assault on Funkais base...any questions?

Sgt Slaughter : Just one SIR

GD : and what would that be Sergeant Slaughter?

Sgt Slaughter : Can I go to the bathroom SIR

GD : Go in the bushes...now gentlemen you are the best soldiers that I could ever ask for if I do not see you again, than I will make sure you get a proper funeral....

*GD runs off as we cut back to funaki...at the worst time possible, as the house is still shaking more than ever, yet we see the Security guard in the form of the ultimate warrior has overheard funkais love fest and is now watching in on it*

Funaki : OHHHHHH PRETTY LADY

Ultimate Warrior : Oh yes give it to her like the warrior would, and has many times in the past while the warrior has been lonely in this toy store as the warrior can no longer afford the rent on his ultimate cave of power which the supreme being can only live alone while looking down at the foolish affairs of the meager mortals that have no control over their destinies like the ultimate does on his AND THEIRS as I have the power to crush them all upon the almighty sacrificial stones or not I can slaughter them any way which and please and no one could stop me as I am the ultimate warrior....Oh the warrior likes that position very much, he has used it many times against the power amazon women of an alternate dimension that later learned to worship the supreme power, and the warriors glorious tool of their destruction...oh give it to her harder for the warrior knows no softness, and stops at nothing not even the blood of the innocent cuz what the warrior wants the warrior gets....and the Warrior wants IN...

*the warrior jumps in through the tiny window interrupting the un speakable act that we had the dis pleasure of watching*

Funaki : No She Funakis

Ultimate Warrior : GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *snorts*

Funaki : I kick you ass

*We quickly funaki is out matched by the warrior well known technique of the no sell, and the warrior grabs funaki and the my size barbie and begins dragging them to the back as funaki shouts for help*

Funaki : GD DT HELP FUNAKI

---

*We cut to GD and DT who are in a mexican stand off in the middle of the store*

GD : I have men all around us...so even I fall they will defeat you

DT : Bah They have already fallen to my death traps

*GD laughs*

DT : whats so funny punk?

GD : You death trap....setting death traps...its just so lame its funny. Thats like me saying that Im gonna dig your grave...which I kinda already did

DT : then why dont you pull the trigger?

GD : Oh I will...

*The two start firing their weapons as each one ducks each shot as this epic standoff on takes a turn for the more hollywood fight scene approach. Each person empties countless guns until the dive behind some shelter in Which GD takes out a bazooka nerf gun and fires at DTs Shelter*

DT : NOOOOOO

*DT dives out and fires one shot and hear GD scream*

GD : NOOOOOO BENEDETTO you killed him...

*Just then GD and DT hear Funakis cry for help*

GD : Well, we better go save him

DT : yup, where do you think they took him?

GD : the back room of course

DT : should we take our weapons?

GD : It couldnt Hurt

---

*We cut to the Security office, in which the warrior has funaki in a corner of the room torturing him. How you ask? By telling Funaki stories of his exploits*

Ultimate Warrior : And there I the ultimate warrior was surrounded by wolverines in the canadain wilderness that just so happens to be near the entrance to parts unknown which is why the warriors nipples are always hard as diamonds, but the warrior began crushing the wolverines with my barehands as no one can withstand the power of the warriors strength, nor can they understand something that not even I the ultimate warrior can understand Then thw arrior went into town looking to sell the wolverine skins for a true warriors reward....ale and whores...and what a night it was small one for I last all night long using positions that mankind did not even knew existed, contracted stds that hunamity does not even know exist

*Just then GD and DT kick in the door*

GD : Give us back our friend

DT : Or we'll make your hell a reality

*GD and DT aim their nerf guns at the Warrior, as GD says Sternly*

GD : And.....Watch XHF.......

*the camera does one of those shifty things...first on GD, then the warrior then DT, then The Warrior again, then on Funaki, and then on the my size barbie*

Ultimate Warrior : The Warrior Dares You to....

*there is some silence as everyone expects more*

GD : Holy shit

DT : yeah I know

*Just then Sgt Slaughter pops up behind the warrior and locks in the cobra clutch for a few seconds, then throws him down and covers him for the pin, GD and DT just look at each other, before GD dives down and makes the count*

GD : One.....two.....three

DT : and the winner Sgt Slaughter

*GD, DT and Funaki take off before anything else can happen, with Funaki grabbing the my size barbie of course*

GD : Ok I think were done promoting

DT : Yeah lets head on back to the arena

My Size Barbie : Are You smoking yet?

GD : ok that barbie did not just talk...

DT : like I said lets blow this joint....

Funaki : No wait...dont

*they go to step forward and trigger one of Funakis traps and see a giant rubber ball come rolling towards them, yes just a like an indiana jones rip off*

GD : Oh great I thought wed be better than this

DT : hey you know if Sgt Slaughter was a GI Joe, how come he used a cobra clutch?

GD : Cuz he was secretly evil, dont you remember his huge heel turn?

*the trio dive out of the front door followed by a huge explosion jump from every action movie imaginable*

GD : Ok I didnt expect to do that many movie rip offs in one night, still fun though

DT : Hell yes...but we didnt write XHF anywhere this time

GD : dont worry I got it covered...

*the trio walk off as we Watch XHF written in flames on the stores remains. As we See the Warrior Walk out of the flames*

Ultimate Warrior : The warrior will not go down so easy he may be defeated for now but he will have his vengeance if the warrior still breaths, eats and sleeps with women my revenge shall take place as the warrior will watch those responsible from the safety of the ultimate cave where my power will be supreme again, and wit will not longer be tarnished by this foolish display of ignorance to the ultiamte power that hails from parts unknown

*the Warrior gets cut off as no one really wants to listen to him anymore, and the scene fades bringing XHF's own summer blockbuster to an end, and we hope you enjoyed it*