Money Made [April 15, 2020]

[Dave D-Flipz]

*The scene opens up in a studio of some sort. There is a circular desk in the middle with a hole in the middle where a commentator might be standing. Behind the desk from the camera’s angle is a bunch of monitors and screens with varying images of stocks and charts and money related things and blank screens where guest commentators might pop in. On the desk are piles of papers, some in folders, some not. There are a few laptops and a mixing board for controlling the whole set up. (If you’ve seen Mad Money with Jim Cramer you know what I mean … and yes this is where this parody is going). A remix of “The Hard Sell” hits with money sounds and some upbeat beats in it and DT pops into view from inside the circular desk wearing his Armani suit but with no jacket. He’s holding a clipboard that says XHF Rumble in his hand and waving it wildly.*

: HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I’m Death Trap, Welcome to Wacky Wrestling, welcome to Trapmerica where some people want to make enemies, others want to self-isolate on a yacht and I just want you to support DT in the rumble! My job is not just to entertain you but to teach you so follow me on twitter @shutyourtrap and get ready for a complete run down of the fortunes you can bet on in the XHF Rumble!

*He exasperatedly hits a red button on the sound board and a donkey “hee-haw”s. He stops … chuckles and acts like he hit the wrong button before hitting another and a sound bite plays of Zoran and Caffrey having their little private … on camera … conversation about teaming up.*

: That’s right ladies and gents but as crazy as it seems, somebody actually found value in working with Anthony Caffrey! I know it seems crazy but your very own X*Crown Champion, der kommissar of SWAT, Zoran Insane-ovic has decided to threaten Caff with some busted knees and loss of paycheck to goad him into clearing the ring of all threats to the commish, which as we know, means anyone who can wrestle, even that stuffed cat Nausicaa is always carrying around. THAT’S RIGHT you heard it here first ZORAN INSANE-OVIC IS AFRAID OF THE THREAT TO HIS TITLE AND WELL-BEING FROM A CAT PLUSHIE! ZORAN FEARS CHARLES!

*He hits a button and an air raid siren blares and a huge graphic appears on the screen behind him of Charles with a big green up arrow and Zoran with a huge red down arrow.*

: But wait we need to get to the news you can’t figure out yourselves, being sheeple who follow everything you see on TV, you need to know what I know to better make your investments and as we all know money speaks! So let’s go to the Foreign Stock Correspondent Mr. Carloni! Dave whatcha got for us!?

*On the big blank monitor beside DT springs to life an image clearly pretaped and poorly green screened of DT in a sea green button down, floral print tie, and with his hair frosted blonde*

: Thanks Mr. Trap well there is a rumbling of concern among the foreign markets here and we have the EXCLUSIVE reason why. As you can see the airwaves have been bombarded with buy now messages for one, Psychotic Goth. The man from who knows where has been really delving into his own gambit for the rumble and his clearly … TOTALLY NOT MADE UP … ancient Greek bellowings have gotten through. It seems he is the favorite to win the rumble among the people of Al Quolanudar and they are taking to the shadows to bellow back at him. That’s right they bet he can overcome his archenemy Tarrasque and make a statement in this rumble!

: Wait wait, Mr. Carloni are you saying that the people of … Shadowland here … are all in for a psychopath who shouts at ruins and claims to have cursed people? Because here in Trapmerica it is clear to me that he is a nut case and not to be trusted. He is going to go nutso in the ring and fail to even eliminate one man. After all his budget is ZERO! WE DON’T ABIDE BY THAT!

*He pushes a red button and a ching ching bling bling noise plays*

: Yes DT but it seems that these fictional fans of his believe he can overcome the massive wall of meat that is the bumbling stumbling Tarrasque. Truly a threat in the rumble but they are saying to Buy Buy Buy on Psychotic Goth!

: Poppycock! I say leave that where it is and buy Tarrasque. This is a rumble and being a monster is a huge asset. He can toss people clear off the barge and the only reason we think he won’t be around in the final groupings is because he is a big dumb oaf and without his manager and hence his production budget he is just another clueless target to be ganged up on and dumped! Hell, Anthony Caffrey will have a personal vendetta against him anyhow. SO SELL SELL SELL ON TARRASQUE AND PSYCHOTIC GOTH!

: Well DT there is also the little nation of Aldovia! They are still huge believers in Christmas and to them Christmas is the renewed conquest of Zoran Sainovic! A fellow Eastern European with the belt, something they want to happen!

: WANTS DON’T MAKE MONEY DAVID! You can’t want yourself into a prime position and when it comes to advantages Zoran has less than people think. Entering last isn’t good from a marketing standpoint. You have less exposure and losing from there hurts massively. It’s a huge money sink and a waste of funds I say!

: Well then there’s Amestris and they are big on both Yuki Sakaraba and the anime-loving Japanese trio… er … quartette that is SKY Force! They really believe that their teamwork and kawaii power will overcome all the odds and lead to an X*Crown win for Japan.

: Let’s sink our teeth into that one my friend. These young women are surely underappreciated in this event and that may seem to combine with their numbers to give them an advantage. I don’t expect a win but don’t sleep on the power of teamwork and their kawaii power. After all is beauty not a weakness for a few of the crasser men in this event? Brad Swann, the canvas connoisseur, and Zézé Taborda are all about the beauty in wrestling and I’m betting they will be MORE than distracted by the luscious lovelies on display here! I know this may disappoint the people of Portugal but don’t expect to see much of your living legend as he pulls a Master Roshi and gets himself eliminated by underestimating the kawaii supernova and the cuddly Charles!

*Another display of red arrow next to Taborda and Swann and Green up arrow next to Charles … and then in smaller images Yuki, Rin, Shizuku and Nausicaa. A rapid bell sound effect plays in the background*

: Thank you Mr. Carloni it’s now time for the pick of the rumble! That’s right folks this week it’s time to give my ironclad advice on who to watch for in this rumble. And this time it’s all about work work money made people. Who is working hard for the money and who is just living large on their standing stack? Let’s start with my underdog pick of the match. A bit of old money here on the Wacky Wrestlers show this week. You know him, you love him … assuming you’re his wife … and he;s back for blood that’s right it’s ol’ JACKIE DIAMOND!!!!

*He pushes a button and an image of Jack with a green arrow up appears as the sound effect is from an old diamond commercial about them being a girl’s best friend.*

: Jack Diamond was known in the AWF for his blasé attitude to his own riches. A real slight to the world of the wrestler to throw your wad around like some loon. Fuck Money is what he used to say and we can now confirm he did actually fuck his money! I KNOW IT’S SCANDALOUS! *tosses a yellow penalty flag* But Jack has come back and is diversifying his portfolio … and by that I mean he’s added a mission to his funds. A mission we can all get behind. Fuck Mongo. THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS JACK DIAMOND IS OUT FOR MONGO’S HAPPINESS AND RICHES! THE HEAT IS REAL!

*The sound board plays the sound of rising flames and “MUY CALIENTE!” while the display screens switch to flames and read “EN FUEGO!”*

: Now you all might be thinking this new regard for his money might make him more frugal and cautious but YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW! … That …That’s still topical right? … Er … Jack Diamond is on the singlular mission of destroying everything Mongo loves and the best way to do that is to force him to see the X*Crown back on Jack’s waist. That makes him dangerous. He is putting his money to use and as we all know, money and a mission, especially fueled by screwing Mongo, can get mountains moved! Jack has managed to make everyone else his target without actually doing so in that his goal is to throw you out to fuck Mongo. With a pedigree of success and a history with the belt and this match, Jack is an underappreciated threat to everyone and it is Death Trap letting you know to keep an eye out on him because he is going to ruin your day and break your brackets.

*A commercial airs of DT shilling the XHFNetwork.com bracket and prediction contests. After all what better way for you nonathletes to get a taste of the success of your favorite wrestlers than by predicting their success? How do you decide? Well DT says you should just vote DT and know that you will win regardless!*

: Alright folks when we talk about money there are only two men that should come to your mind and it should be no surprise they are favorites in the rumble. High Finance themselves Chris Card and Cross Recoba. These guys are the kings of earned publicity. While very few guys have decided to give me the free air time because … hey don’t give a vehicle to your biggest threat when he is a known talker … seems like EVERYONE wants to talk about these guys. And who can dispute that they haven’t earned it? But an interesting trend has developed. Let’s dig a little deeper!

*A shovel graphic appears on the screens and sounds of digging play over the speakers*

: The Champagne Life high on display. High Finance is currently holed up together on the private yacht of Canadian wrestler, entrepreneur, and narcissist Christopher Columbus Card. This palatial estate away from the estate comes with freedom from the pandemic around the world, entertainment, world class cuisine, and of course, standard for the rich men in isolation, crippling cabin fever! While these two men have managed to hide away from the world stepping out only for their AWF sanctioned matches, the rumble field has taken notice of their overproduced, luxurious promotional material. Each promo a slap in the face to those less fortunate! And combined with the past successes and technical prowess of the leader Card, and the recent surge in the standings from his sidekick Recoba, people have been wont to talk at length about these … rather boring individuals.

*A snoring sound comes from the speakers as DT hits another button. The screens behind turn to images of Sleepy of the seven dwarves, rip van winkle, and sleeping beauty.*

: But while a few have decided to talk directly to Chris, such as his longtime rival Doctor Doom … er, sorry … Michael Storm. Most have actually chosen to come at Card by talking to and about Cross. As if somehow Robin will be the reason Batman loses to the Joker. It is intriguing to see Cross’s stock soaring solely based on the fact that people are trying to use him to get to Card and talk to Cross about Card to get to Cross. Truly marvelous and mysterious. It’s like they don’t trust these two to both be at their peak in the match. With all the MONEY on hand with these two financiers however that would be a fool’s errand! Well here in Trapmerica we believe the stock on both of these men is UP UP UP! BUY BUY BUY!

*More screens with their pictures and green up arrows and cha-ching sound effects*

: So riddle me this viewers. What can you do with a private yacht, private beaches, private training facilities, etc? YOU CAN GET YOUR TRAINING IN! These guys have managed to maintain their world class training regimen… or SHOULD have … Card … while still getting in 5 star resort levels of relaxation and recovery and enough booze to drown Rat Bastard in his own vomit … so a typical Tuesday. While those less fortunate have to settle for home gyms and running in the park while social distancing or doing Wii-based fitness groups with your malicious and … slightly chaotic … friends. And somehow Card is managing to squander it all by drinking and refusing to put his fortune to use and Cross has gone stir-crazy from lack of interation with the world. To the point of WILLINGLY exposing himself to the scourge of a conversation with Caffrey. So why not SELL SELL SELL??? Because frankly these guys are a well-oiled machine that already assumes the other will backstab them and still be friends. They are all about business and as we all know money is what makes the man!

*The background behind him suddenly vanishes as the lighting dies down and the green screen wears off leaving DT at a desk surrounded by green and paper and a broken switchboard. He sighs and steps in front of the desk to confront the camera directly*

: You have no idea how much that cost to set up and apparently I burned through the budget already. Or Mongo found the charge in his personal account and cut it off. Probably go blame Jack Diamond for it. So here’s the deal. Fuck money. No not in the Jack Diamond piss away a fortune a day way. Money is the root of the evils of these men. Money is the cause of corruption. It’s how men like Mongo manage to keep holding sway over the world to the point of getting a private barge into international waters to have 45 people in a ring at the same time. It’s how you end up with a private yacht with a year’s worth of supplies hoarded away from the people who need it on the front lines or stuck at home living paycheck to non-existant paycheck. It’s how you end up the top guys in the predictions for the rumble with no real reason for it. What has Chris Card done other than pitter away his cash and call in a ringer and support a psychopathic sister-in-law since Michael Storm broke his arm? Nothing. He’s rusty as hell and he’s not even trying to train. And yet his mastery of the technical art of wrestling means he will STILL be taken seriously and likely still do well. And with his cash he can get whatever he needs to support him.

*DT turns to the side and points to his stack of papers on Cross*

: And Cross Recoba comes in from Italy as a nobody to the XHF Network and immediately is tangling with Draven and getting XHF fans to buy his hype because a) he’s rich and b) he’s Card’s little buddy. Money buys you reputation and sometimes that’s the boost you need. The dude is talented sure but he hasn’t earned the right to be in the same conversation as Caffrey, Card, Storm … or myself … who somehow manages to be ON THE PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL for the rumble, the subject of some sadistic idiot’s April Fool’s Prank, and a winner of a global event JUST THREE MONTHS AGO … and Nobody but Rat, Storm and Zoran have even spoke of me. Like I don’t exist and am not a threat. Money can’t buy you this kind of underdog advantage. A former world champ, an end of days winner, a former X*Crown champ … and nobody will even see me coming.

*He shoves all the papers off the desk making a horrible mess everywhere as individual pages fly into the air and drop slowly all around the room.*

: The rumble isn’t about how much money you made or have on hand. And guys like Cross and Card and Diamond need to realize that corruption and bribery, skullduggery and charlatanism can only buy you SO much. Once you are in the ring all bets are off. Money can’t save you. And if you go in relying on your reputation and will to ruin one man … Diamond, your technical perfection and your showmanship … Card, or your newness and friends in high places … Cross … you won’t stand a chance against a man like me. What do you do when your problems can’t be paid away or bribed to your side? You fold your hands. And come the rumble, everyone will fold … until all that’s left is the Main Attraction, standing in the spotlight … as X*Crown Champion … cash be damned! The only stock you should all be buying? Is mine.

*The screen turns to one last graphic of DT with a green up arrow three times and the title next to his face saying BUY BUY BUY. Fade out*