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Post by ASHTON HENARE on May 20, 2020 21:29:30 GMT -5
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Post by Seth Dillinger on May 21, 2020 1:49:48 GMT -5
ill give u feedback if u give me mine
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Post by ASHTON HENARE on Jul 10, 2020 20:11:12 GMT -5
New RP!Back on our bullshit once again, how about this, huh? Shoot me some feedback, I feel like a month away and I'm just... ruh roh
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Shaw
.::XHF Newcomer::.
Posts: 40
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Post by Shaw on Jul 10, 2020 21:09:50 GMT -5
New RP!Back on our bullshit once again, how about this, huh? Shoot me some feedback, I feel like a month away and I'm just... ruh roh I like the musical choice. I am going to address a couple of obvious mechanical things right off the bat Fade into the opening scene.
This is a huge pet peeve of mine, these five words are completely wasted. You have enough formatting breaking the scene up that I don't think you need to be delineating scenes with words. It is also tacit that there is a camera filming the whole thing. You do it several times throughout. If you mention a time, I don't think you need to indicate explicitly you are in a new scene. This is by far the biggest issue you need to work on. I know you aren't going to get this particular feedback, and I will receive some light pushback on this. But If you use formatting, and the verbal equivalent of a time stamp. I can sort out we are somewhere new. I liked your descriptive work otherwise, it paints a pretty clear picture that walking to the car hurts. I appreciated that. Some of the dialouge... it reads like a Coors commercial is filming a break up scene. I have had the misfortune of having a couple of messy break ups. I am sure you have as well. This doesn't read as being believable. "Hell Fucking Yeah" has the same emotional depth as The Room. I don't buy that this has any effect on Ryan at all. It also feels like this moment should be it's own rp, You have burned down a moment that allows the reader to connect with Ryan Young past the wrestler as a throw away opener to what I hope is a match. I liked the Cobain line, but it's not repeatable. And that has the feeling of being a quotable line for a bio. But this is the kind of line you want to keep in your back pocket for the end of a fued. Imagine if Dusty Rhodes cut "Hard Times" on a local jobber. It's impactful, but at what cost? Being honest, I haven't read your character before. But just from this, I get a decent sense that he is a shitty human being who is hell bent on winning a title. Overall, I'd say this was pretty decent. Tidy up the human interactions and I could see this character as an actual champion.
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Post by ASHTON HENARE on Jul 10, 2020 21:27:24 GMT -5
New RP!Back on our bullshit once again, how about this, huh? Shoot me some feedback, I feel like a month away and I'm just... ruh roh I like the musical choice. I am going to address a couple of obvious mechanical things right off the bat Fade into the opening scene.
This is a huge pet peeve of mine, these five words are completely wasted. You have enough formatting breaking the scene up that I don't think you need to be delineating scenes with words. It is also tacit that there is a camera filming the whole thing. You do it several times throughout. If you mention a time, I don't think you need to indicate explicitly you are in a new scene. This is by far the biggest issue you need to work on. I know you aren't going to get this particular feedback, and I will receive some light pushback on this. But If you use formatting, and the verbal equivalent of a time stamp. I can sort out we are somewhere new. I liked your descriptive work otherwise, it paints a pretty clear picture that walking to the car hurts. I appreciated that. Some of the dialouge... it reads like a Coors commercial is filming a break up scene. I have had the misfortune of having a couple of messy break ups. I am sure you have as well. This doesn't read as being believable. "Hell Fucking Yeah" has the same emotional depth as The Room. I don't buy that this has any effect on Ryan at all. It also feels like this moment should be it's own rp, You have burned down a moment that allows the reader to connect with Ryan Young past the wrestler as a throw away opener to what I hope is a match. I liked the Cobain line, but it's not repeatable. And that has the feeling of being a quotable line for a bio. But this is the kind of line you want to keep in your back pocket for the end of a fued. Imagine if Dusty Rhodes cut "Hard Times" on a local jobber. It's impactful, but at what cost? Being honest, I haven't read your character before. But just from this, I get a decent sense that he is a shitty human being who is hell bent on winning a title. Overall, I'd say this was pretty decent. Tidy up the human interactions and I could see this character as an actual champion. The whole "Fade into the opening scene." was something new on my part, I thought I'd try something out for this promo. Normally I'd have the date/time and location that brings you to when or where we are. Now that you've mentioned it, I'll make sure I won't include it when it isn't needed or something better looking can be added in. I have been through some messy break ups personally, and understanding that you've not read much about Ryan but giving you the backstory is that Selena has been manipulative on him, forcing him to be the "shitty human being who is hell bent on winning a title" since he's been a face for the last... eight months, and he's not done anything else other than have the Tag Team Championships. The reason he seems so different like it's hard on him was I was trying to show the emotion that he's finally snapped and sees what's been going on, finally seeing that he's been manipulated to be someone he wasn't trying to be. So the line "Hell Fucking Yeah" was just him finally snapping out of it, like he's been through a lot since then, and he just lost some care in the world as to what's happening around him. I was also writing that piece with the mindset of there are no word limits but then I re read the cards and saw there was some, which threw me a curve ball but I still thought, yeah this was enough. It has it effects on Ryan, but again, the sudden knowing that there was word limits at the last minute threw me that curve ball where I couldn't show the emotion afterwards. Maybe that's something I've got to work on from the side. I just like to connect that he has a life outside of the ring, like Ryan Young is very different than Ryan Matthews, the guy behind the name.
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Post by Justin on Jul 10, 2020 23:53:37 GMT -5
I like it when people ask for feedback and then explain why the feedback is wrong.
The correct answer was "THIS RP IS FUCKIN' AWESOME BRO"
Keep that in mind for the future.
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Post by ASHTON HENARE on Jul 11, 2020 6:37:26 GMT -5
I like it when people ask for feedback and then explain why the feedback is wrong. The correct answer was "THIS RP IS FUCKIN' AWESOME BRO" Keep that in mind for the future. Never once said that his feedback was wrong, I was just trying to explain a main plot point to someone that’s a first time reader. Like you trying to explain to someone the plot to... The Walking Dead for example; you try explain to someone thats never be seen it before what is going on and what sort the main story. If you couldn’t see that, then you shouldn’t say anything to begin with. Keep that in mind for the future. 😃
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Post by Justin on Jul 11, 2020 9:31:17 GMT -5
Sure bro, whatever you say.
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Post by ASHTON HENARE on Jul 11, 2020 10:52:02 GMT -5
Sure bro, whatever you say. Don't come into my thread acting like a sarcastic dick when it had no involvement with you other than you just wanting to backing up your friend there.
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Post by Justin on Jul 11, 2020 12:25:13 GMT -5
Or what?
By the way, that entire sentence is indicative of what's wrong with your writing.
Try reading it out loud and hearing how badly it sounds.
That'll help your roleplays, too.
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Post by Dave D-Flipz on Jul 11, 2020 12:35:32 GMT -5
Guys not in the mood to deal with this. Let's try being civil.
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MYŌJIN
.::XHF Superstar::.
FKA Draven | Former X*Crown Champion | Former XHF JHW Champion
Posts: 836
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Post by MYŌJIN on Jul 11, 2020 13:55:35 GMT -5
This is a place for feedback. Shaw gave constructive criticism to Ryan. Ryan simply responded to Shaw to give him better insight to what he was going for.
Arguments like this are just what could get a feedback section closed down and kill it for everyone, so let's please not have that.
Pretty please?
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