RACE: June 2020 RACE - Sippy Cup Qualifier
Jun 18, 2020 16:45:52 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 5 more like this
Post by h2f on Jun 18, 2020 16:45:52 GMT -5
June 2020 Sippy Cup Qualifier Race
I give you the opening race of CAR!!
We first join the broadcast in the press box on the side of a mountain above the race course in the boonies of North Carolina where an older gentleman in a Carolina blue shirt is sitting behind a desk for two with various audio equipment on it. Next to him is an even more experienced woman who is bent over connecting wires.
The man begins in a southern drawl (Uncle in the “The Fast & The Furriest” roleplay), “Welcome, Ladies and Gent- Mom, what are you doing?”
His mother, Grandma Mary (Memaw in the “Fast and Furrist” roleplay) **Mumbles.**
Uncle - “What?”
**She sits up and holds up a plug on the remaining end of one the wires now plugged in below.** Grandma Mary answers in an upper crust British meets southern accent, "I said that I was setting it up!"
**She plugs a headphone cord into a small black box on the desk.** "There! Should be all set now!"
Uncle - “What are you setting up? Why does it need to be set up now? I just started the broadcast of the race.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “This, sweet pea, will allow us, and our audience, to hear exactly what is being said between the race teams, crews; what is that term again?”
**Uncle shakes his head.** - “Crews, Mom, Crews. Now, please tell our viewers what they can expect today.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Well I don’t want to ruin the surprise yet but I’ll give you an overview.” **Clears throat** ”There are seven crews that will compete in today’s race. We’ll introduce them in the order they signed up to this Fed and the order they will be taking the track with one exception. First up! From the Boonies of North Carolina, the wild car in the race, driven by a woman who recently escaped from the zoo, powered by a stronger engine than the car was designed for, and-”
Uncle - “Just say the team name, mom.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “O-K Spoilsport. Punch buggy no punch back!” **She leans over and slugs him in the upper arm.**
Uncle - “Ow. Why did you just hit me?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Because that’s the title of their car. Don’t you remember that game? The girls and I loved that game back in the first few years of the millennia. You see a VW bug, you punch them on the upper arm.”
Uncle - “But I don’t see a VW bug. Where are the girls? Shouldn’t they be here by now? Abby went to pick up Brittney from the house at least 10 minutes ago. It’s less than a mile away and they are the lead car.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “And I imagine Brittney was already walking down; remember she won’t be riding in the car to this event given her deep mistrust of motor powered vehicles. So, we’ll wait for them to kick things off and I’ll continue my explanation. In a minute, the crews will roll up to the starting line, will have a moment of prayer, I mean reflection, then stand for the national anthem and the race will start at the sound of this gun.” **She holds up a sexy nine shot revolver with engravings on the side.**
Uncle - “Why did you bring that gun into this announcing booth? You don’t need nine bullets to start the race and it needs to be fired outside. And aimed at the ground. I don’t want to repatch the walls in here for a fifth time.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “You worry too much. Things have a way of working out. Now, the course has five obstacles: first was supposed to be a mud pit; unfortunately, mud proved difficult to obtain, but in these difficult times, I managed to find something that will work and the cannons seem to love it.”
Uncle - “Cannons? That’s what was going off all last week. Care to explain to the audience what will be in the cannons?
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “The Cannons are firing a surprise but that’s not the star of the 1812 overture from last week. Now, once past that, there is a sharp turn designed to test the driver’s handling at speed. I’m interested to see if any of the driver’s miss that turn in favor of the back road. It would not be good for them to take the backroad - but they don’t know that! So after the turn is my baby, Mount Hold-Ma-Beer. It is a mechanical thing of beauty!”
Uncle - “Isn’t it just a fake mountain with a jump at the top?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Nope! So, presuming they don’t end up in the lake, something I am hoping happens at least once, the crews will head for the weave poles. This will test their technical diving ability and determine if they really can turn on a dime. After that, it’s an all out sprint to the finish line. Oh, good I think I see Brittney and the tiger beetle heading this way.”
**Walking down the road at an unhurried pace is Britney in her bear suit holding the realistic mascot bear head in both her arms. Keeping pace with her, the black and white bug rolls slowly along.**
Uncle - “Yes, here they come. And following behind them is The Angry Mad Chemists.”
**Perhaps thinking that the first team knows something they don’t, the two support members of the team walk beside the car following the bug.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “This crew hails from Alamos, New mexico and designs look very promising. If their driver has mastered the controls, we could be looking at a strong contender for the Sippy Cup.”
Uncle - “Behind the Chemists, is another bug with a protuberance in the front. Don’t Touch My Junk Racin’ is from Las Vegas.” **He gently taps a closed fist against his mother's upper arm.** ”Punch bug.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I will allow it this once. Looking at that car reminds me of your father for some reason.”
**The peach, older generation bug has a cylinder as long as the car attached to the front of the car with a darker color mushroom top flare at the end. Two men, who appear topless but in fact are wearing nipple shaped nipple coverings are standing on the back bumper of the car as it makes its way down the road.**
Uncle - “Is it because it looks like a giant Dick?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I was thinking it was more a physical resemblance than a personality one.”
Uncle - **groans** “Please, no. I do NOT want to hear about your previous conquests.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I lived in a time of sexual awakening!”
Uncle - “You are my mother. Look here comes the next crew.”
**A white race car with sharp angles follows the Junk Mobile. Two men run to keep pace with it with one on each side, like a protection detail, as they watch the skies for an unknown reason.
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Right you are. Mach ~ Go ~ Go ~ Go ~ Go ~ Go ~! From Japan. I don’t know why they included an incomplete phone number in their crew name do you?”
Uncle - “Phone number?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Yes, in Japanese, ‘go’ means five. There are five, fives but phone numbers have 7 to 11 numbers depending on your need for an area code and country code. They need more numbers if they want me to call them.”
Uncle - “I really don’t think that was their intent but their vehicle looks to be built for speed. I think it will do well,”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I agree that it looks fast, but there is more to this race than how fast they hit Mount HoldMaBeer.”
Uncle - “Next up is the Escapism Sorority who refuse to disclose where they come from.”
**Three young women ride a modified motorized bike with four wheels inline covered by a tank tread. They wave to the crowd as they go by.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Those young ladies have clearly been through a great deal together. I offered them use of the forest to camp in. I was a bit surprised to see them enter such an unusual vehicle in this race.”
Uncle - “More to the point, do you think it will be able to handle what you dish out?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It will be an interesting race and their choices will seal their fate. Following them is the final international crew.”
**The red race car follows without the support of the rest of the crew who are already waiting at their assigned starting position.**
Uncle - “That’s right, Swann Enterprises: Flight Engines™ hail from London, England.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Damn limeys.”
Uncle - “Mother. I am surprised by you. Last night you stayed up late to re-watch the entirety of BBC’s Sherlock and now you act as though their culture offends you.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It’s 12 episodes and a special. I couldn’t stop so close to the end. It’s not Downton Abbey that just goes on and on. Besides, I know my heritage.”
**Grandma Mary pulls the microphone closer.** “Ladies and Gentlemen, please pause for a moment of reflection and/or prayer.”
**Suddenly, the sound of a single bagpipe pipes in playing Amazing grace and the single player marches forward followed by a much larger group of bagpipers. The band jonis in playing Amazing Grace after the first time through the melody.**
Uncle - “Oh, God. Why?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Soundless prayer Sweet Pea.”
**The song concludes as the band reaches the starting line of the race where all but one competitor is lined up.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand for our national anthem.”
**The bagpipes start up the national anthem of the United States of America as a bubble gum pink hummer idles very slowly down the road with a woman in a steampunked American Revolutionary War era working class dress seated on the driver’s door window sill. She appears to be driving the car with her right foot while her left arm waves an American flag above the car.**
**As the hummer nears the starting line, the driver kicks the gear shift into neutral and then, at the starting line, kicks it again to move into the parking gear. The hummer lurches slightly but the driver remains in the car. The bagpipes finish the Star Spangled Banner. She then leans out of the car even further to attach the flag to a flag pole attached to the car before pulling herself into the vehicle and buckling her seatbelt (so we can be safe).**
Uncle - “Ladies and Gentlemen, the final team-”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Yes, and now we’re ready to start this thing! At the sound of the gun, the race will begin!”
Uncle - “Outside, fire outside!”
**Before the gun goes off, the pink hummer takes off down the road.**
Uncle - “What! They're cheating!”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “That’s ‘Merican ingenuity! Way to even the playing field!”
**The older gentleman grabs the gun before stepping out of the press box and firing at the mountain. The other racers take off down the road. He steps back into the press box and places the gun on the desk. Grandma Mary looks up at her son.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Ah, poop. You ruined my fun.”
**Uncle pointedly looks at the race.** - “and they are off ladies and gentlemen. DMR is in the lead but the others are closing in and the first obstacle is coming up.”
**One by one, the vehicles meet the mud. Both bugs spin in a circle as their fast speed spins them in a fast circle.**
**Crackling over the newly connected radio, Abby, the driver, hums "The friction drag coefficient acting on the car is not the same as mud." Brittney's response follows after only a moment. "Oh. Abby, I believe it is pudding. Just, um. Just go slower until you get out of it."**
**The other crews, except Escapism Sorority, seem to hear that advice; the Escapism Sorority don’t seem to be hindered by the mud and soon catches the pink hummer’s right back bumper. As they approach the end of the mud pit, a jet of the ‘mud’ fires from the left side of the road.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “That’ll be Forest on the pudding cannon. And he gets a direct hit! Look at it splash against the front of the hummer; Oh no! The driver has overcorrected to the left and accidentally flips over ...a little bit.”
**A blond man in a green hat mans an oversized mounted water cannon spewing chocolate pudding all over the pink hummer that has flipped over completely.**
Uncle - “That looks more than a little bit. She’s turtles and Escapism Sorority has taken the lead! The pack isn’t far behind, with Mach leading closely followed by the Junk Mobile, The Angry Chemists, and Swan. The Tiger beetle seems to be playing it safe and following two car lengths behind.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Arrive alive! Now, Forest moves the pudding gun over the rest of the racers. Oh my! Some of the pudding has hit the tip of the Junk Mobile and a little of their white sticky stuff has come out. A little too excited, perhaps?”
Uncle - “I am surprised they deployed their offense so early in the race. It seems to have slowed them down a touch and the Angry Chemists have taken advantage.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “See, I knew there was a reason the car reminded me of your father. I hope they don’t need to wait half an hour to fire again.”
Uncle - “Mom, please no. Please.”
**Escapism Sorority nears the big bend but instead heads down the back road.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Well this should be interesting. The Escapism Sorority has veered off the course to take the road less traveled through the heart of the woods. It won’t be an easy path for them but considering the remainder of the challenges, it may have been the least deadly for this vehicle.”
Uncle - “What exactly is coming next?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “For the rest of them, it will be the bend. And we see Mach pulling ahead of the pack as they head to Mount HoldMaBeer.”
**The sound of cannon fire shakes the ground.**
Uncle - “What was that?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Nothing on the race course but I believe the Escapism Sorority has found the tripwire. I had Forrest manning the back road.”
Uncle - “How is a cannon attached to a tripwire safer than the current course; next up is a jump. Wait isn’t Forrest at the puddling cannon?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Blond Forest is, yes but Short Forest in the back. Though I can’t see Forest through all the trees. I hired two young men to help me set this whole thing up, as you know. One is John Forest and the other is Forest Johnson. Naturally, I can call them both Forest and don’t have to worry about calling them by the wrong name. Naturally, it can get confusing to have two people with the same name. Thus Blond Forest, who has blond hair, and Short Forrest who isn’t as tall as Blond Forest. Back to the race, because this is about to get interesting. As the pack approaches Mount HoldMaBeer, Swan has fallen behind and is now deploying their Turbo Turrets! Ooooh! And fire!”
**A small explosion hits the base of the ramp. Mach, and the Angry Chemists swerve to avoid it. The Junk Mobile slams their protuberance directly into the hole. As the others go around, the Junk Mobile backs up almost completely out but accidentally attempts to continue forward before completely exiting the hole and ends up ramming themselves into the hole again.**
Uncle - “What is Abigail doing? Why is her turn signal on?”
**Sure enough, the tiger beetle is turning right… off the course at the base of Mount HoldMaBeer.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Oh, I gave Brittney an alternative route to this one. I want that car to cross the finish line.”
**Mach reaches the pinnacle of the jump going far faster than the jump is rated and is soon in the air. When the car should have reached its zenith going the correct speed, it is already well over the down ramp but still gaining altitude. Back on the jump a wall of water from the nearby lake shoots straight up the volcano opening in the middle Mount HoldMaBeer.**
Uncle - “What the actual fudge balls was that?”
**The Angry Chemists follow quickly behind and gain speed with assistance from their Chemical Engine Booster as they go up the ramp.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Oh, since I had Forest manning the pudding cannon and Forest manning the back road, I had to automate Mount HoldMaBeer. The water shoots up when the car should be in the zenith of the jump. And here comes The Angry Chemists!”
**The Car makes it over the ramp and lands safely on the other side without water knocking them into the lake.**
Uncle - “Why didn’t the water shoot up again?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It takes twelve seconds for the tank to refill with water from the lake. But here comes Swann.”
**The Spectacle goes for the jump and as it reaches the zenith, the column of water ascends to hit the car square in the underbelly. The car is thrown off course and into the lake. It lands with a large splash.”
Uncle - “Ooof. That landing is going to hurt.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I give it a two. This isn’t a tidal wave competition. Though I guess I’d better get the Forests to fish the car out as I doubt it will be able to cross the pond to get home otherwise.”
**While the water feature is rechanging, the Junk mobile easily makes the jump before continuing on.**
Uncle - “Looking ahead to the weave poles, I’m somewhat concerned about what is coming.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “How much free time do you think I had?”
**Two more cannons sound from the backroad shaking the press booth.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “That was different and doesn’t count.”
**As the Angry Chemists approach the weave poles, the Escapism Sorority fires out of the forest back road and picks up speed towards them. The Tiger Beetle follows two car lengths behind until Mach falls from the sky next to the Sorority.**
Uncle - “The Angry Chemist seems to be handling the weave poles well as the Sorority and Mach are neck and neck behind. The Tiger Beetle is a safe distance behind them and the Junk Mobile is gaining.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “And now the Sorority pulls ahead in the weave polls as their vehicle handles the tight turns better than the longer and wider car. Mach is attempting to catch up but is fishtailing at the edges of each of the pole turns. The Angry Chemists are in the straight away towards the finish line but the Escapism Sorority has exited the weave poles and is catching up. Mach has completed the weave poles and is gaining speed towards the finish line. The Junk Mobile is entering the weave poles but boy is their tip covered in that white sticky offensive substance and caked in dirt. I think they rammed into that hole a few times. Oh, hey. DMR is approaching the weave poles. I didn’t even see them clear Mount HoldMaBeer.”
Uncle - “This is turning into a tight race as The Angry Chemists and the Escapism Sorority are now neck and neck with Mach gaining on them. The Tiger Beetle isn’t falling behind but I think they are trying to keep to a speed limit. Did you tell the girls there is no speed limit?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Crap. I thought it was understood.”
**She grabs a megaphone from under the desk and opens the window in the front of the press box.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “There is no speed limit. Go faster.”
Uncle - “Good job. The Tiger Beetle increases in speed but so do the other competitors. It may well be a photo finish here today.”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It certainly is exciting. Look at the boat going after Swann’s car.”
**The small aluminum fishing boat speeds in a circle as one of the Forests attempts to put out a small fire at the bow of the boat by waving his hat over it.**
Uncle - “Right. So back to the race, Mach pulls into the lead, no wait, The Escapism Sorority and now The Angry Chemists are in the lead and here comes the checkered flag!”
**An air horn goes off as the three vehicles pass the end of the race. Two car lengths later Tiger Beetle crosses the finish line and The Junk Mobile follows not long after.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Let’s hope Blond Forest got that photo finish.”
Uncle - “Isn’t he guiding the boat?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Right! Let's hope one of the audience members snapped a photo.”
**Each of the audience members sits in the aluminum bleachers 6 feet apart wearing masks. One blond woman in a pink mask dances around in place while holding up and honking an air horn.**
Uncle - “Isn’t the one using the air horn our resident medical professional?”
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Your right, given she’s right at the finish line, she probably knows who won. Hold on, I’ll text her.”
**She pulls out her phone with her left hand and starts typing with her right pointer finger, taking her time to find each letter.**
Uncle - “DMR has crossed the finish line which leaves only The Spectacle, Swann's crew. The boat has retrieved the driver and is pulling the sinking car back to shore near the boat ramp. The driver appears uninjured but we will, of course, have this verified by our resident medical professional. Once she finishes with the air horn.”
**The air horn honking woman pasues and glances at her phone. Grandma’s phone pings and she grabs the megaphone and leans out the window.**
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “The winner of today’s race is The Angry Mad Chemists. Second place goes to the Escapism Sorority and Mach Go Go Go Go Go will be awarded third. We also have the results of the People’s Choice award and the cash reward will be awarded to the Escapism Sorority. We would like to thank the Grandfather Mountain Bagpipers for playing for this race; I know we were all disappointed to know that the Highland Games were canceled this year. Thank you all for coming, now get off my lawn!”
**The crew radio is buzzing with communications:
The mechanic for the Angry Mad Chemists laughs, "BAHAHAHA! Let that stupid hedgehog and his animal buddies see us now. NOBODY outruns us anymore ..."
The Escapism Sorority discusses their loss and windfall “the money is important, as well as any potential sponsorship, but winning is not everything. If we don’t win we’ll take it as a learning experience to improve upon.”
“Yeah but if we win and split the winnings, while I’ll be using it for some new clothes, you’ll be…”
“Getting pizzas…”
The mechanic for the Angry Mad Chemists laughs, "BAHAHAHA! Let that stupid hedgehog and his animal buddies see us now. NOBODY outruns us anymore ..."
The Escapism Sorority discusses their loss and windfall “the money is important, as well as any potential sponsorship, but winning is not everything. If we don’t win we’ll take it as a learning experience to improve upon.”
“Yeah but if we win and split the winnings, while I’ll be using it for some new clothes, you’ll be…”
“Getting pizzas…”
One of Grandma's granddaughters, Abby, giggles over the radio before all but shouting "We didn't die!" Their crew’s driver, Abby, just snorts in response.**
