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Post by Mav. on Jul 26, 2020 0:06:06 GMT -5
So yeah, if anyone would like to check this out and see what they think then that'll be perfect. It's going to be a writing style I'm trying to perfect so it can be used more often than just one time things. xhf09.proboards.com/thread/15773/chapter-end-game
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warpig
.::XHF Newcomer::.
Posts: 33
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Post by warpig on Jul 27, 2020 11:53:56 GMT -5
So yeah, if anyone would like to check this out and see what they think then that'll be perfect. It's going to be a writing style I'm trying to perfect so it can be used more often than just one time things. xhf09.proboards.com/thread/15773/chapter-end-gameGood stuff.Ive used first person myself in the past. It's a great way to get emotion across. The only issue is that the first part is hard to read and doesn't seem to flow. You need to let us know who's talking. I get that red is Rob and blue is mav but with your inner thoughts in the middle, it makes for a read that isn't fluid as it should be. You also go from present to past tense quite a few times. Things also need broken up a bit more. "It’s good to see you alive and well,” he said though I couldn’t move. Yet, he never knew that and would only have assumed so. The more realistic truth is that I was suffering, no word on my condition yet or even an examination on how my neck is coping. “It took me forever to find you, nobody had known where you were sent to until the news broke on some news outlets. Hell, even people in this godforsaken place didn’t even know who you were until I had to look up your real name!” “I get that a lot.”. which was true. Not many would know my real name is Jason, I’d always get called Mav or Maverick. Even people like Bobby or Jack, who I’ve known for three years, wouldn’t even think my first name was Jason. It was the perks of being a wrestler with a fake alias that isn’t a name of any sort and just a word. “I’m surprised to see you here, Rob, to be quite honest. I didn’t expect anyone to be here, actually… I didn’t even know I was here until five minutes ago. All I remember was seeing the ring apron and then I was out, woken back up here and I can’t even fucking move.” “Take it easy, Mav, just relax whilst you rest.” I’ve learned to listen to Rob, for a man who’s been doing this five or six times as long as I have, I’ve always taken his advice even when he brought up the idea of Team Robbie. He had his worries and would want to see me in better shape, I had my worries and I was more focused on getting out of here on my own two feet. The last time I entered a hospital after a wrestling show, I had to be rolled out of it in a wheelchair and be bounded to it for a month. Break up your inner thoughts to separate them from spoken words. It's much easier to read this way
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